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on (#648DB)
KOREAN DEMILITARIZED ZONE—Noting that it would be so easy to transform her life in an instant, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly briefly pondered stepping across the DMZ Friday to whatever fate would await her. “Just one step: That’s all it would take and then everything would change,” said the vice president,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 08:45 |
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on (#648DC)
CINCINNATI—Checking up on the injured player after he suffered a concussion in Thursday night’s game against the Cincinnati Bengals, NFL doctors reportedly tested the mental acuity of Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa by seeing if he could sign an indemnification agreement. “Following the game, NFL medical…Read more...
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on (#64867)
NAPLES, FL—With state power outages topping 2.6 million in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, sources reported Thursday that wealthy Florida residents without electricity were forced to rely on their emergency hand-crank margarita machines. “Thank goodness our estate manager had the foresight to pack an emergency…Read more...
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on (#64821)
Five members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
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on (#64822)
PHILADELPHIA—Alarmed and horrified by the dog’s sudden attack, onlookers reportedly screamed Friday as a pit bull clamped down on an 8-year-old child’s hoagie. “Stop! Stop! Someone get him off,” shouted local resident Tracy Boganski, who was out for a walk when she witnessed the off-leash Staffordshire terrier lunge…Read more...
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on (#646JC)
DEERFIELD, IL—Touting the service as a new option for consumers who want hygiene “on the go,” drugstore chain Walgreens announced Thursday it would begin offering baths. “Starting next week, Walgreens customers at 9,000 locations across the United States will be able to come in and take a nice hot bath,” said CEO…Read more...
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on (#646D8)
After the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.Read more...
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on (#644ZR)
CONWAY, AR—Faced with claims that he was too old to be living in the moment and enjoying life to the fullest, free-spirited man Daniel Lambert was informed Wednesday that it was time to grow up and stop being happy. “Look, man, I say this to you as a friend: You need to cut that shit out,” former roommate Marty Breton…Read more...
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on (#643NK)
AUSTIN, TX—Noting that her hiring manager seemed particularly interested in her skills as a future mother, Tesla job candidate Laurie Silva told reporters Tuesday that every question she’d been asked during her interview had been about raising a baby with Elon Musk. “I think it went well, but most of the last hour was…Read more...
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on (#643KP)
According to Guinness World Records, actor and professional wrestler John Cena now holds the world record for most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, granting a total of 650 wishes since 2002, with no one else granting over 200 wishes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#642CW)
NEW YORK—Saying the policy was intended to ensure all workers felt fairly treated, Cardiff Digital’s human resources department reminded employees Monday that if they are in an office relationship, HR should get some sugar, too. “Employees in office romances should remember the deal here, which is that if you’re…Read more...
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on (#642B4)
After New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a civil lawsuit against Donald Trump and three members of his family, The Onion launched an investigation to discover what other crimes were committed by Trump’s children.Read more...
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on (#642B5)
MISSOULA, MT—Craning her neck and looking up to take in the full majesty of the night sky, local woman Andrea Williams reported Monday that stargazing always reminded her of how small her own tits were in the grand scheme of things. “It really helps me put my huge breasts into perspective when I consider just how tiny…Read more...
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on (#63ZWS)
TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave…Read more...
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on (#63ZDH)
OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating this as a premeditated…Read more...
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on (#63ZBE)
CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest,…Read more...
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on (#63YK3)
New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63XZ3)
An executive of vegan food products company Beyond Meat has been charged with felony battery and making a terroristic threat after a brawl outside a football game in which he’s accused of biting a man’s nose. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63V1V)
WASHINGTON—In the first comprehensive, global survey of its kind, an international team of chemists published a study Tuesday in the journal Environmental Science And Technology that found the Earth’s sewage is no longer drinkable. “After collecting wastewater samples from more than two dozen industrialized nations,…Read more...
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on (#63V1W)
HAVANA, CUBA—Freezing with his whiskey neat raised to his lips as a stranger addressed him from behind, a grizzled old man caught off guard Tuesday reportedly hasn’t heard that name in a long time. “Well, well, well, I haven’t heard that name in 50 years,” said the disheveled, gray-haired man who went only by “Don”…Read more...
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on (#63T9R)
After Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis sent two planes of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, The Onion asked local residents how they felt about the new arrivals to their posh community.Read more...
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on (#63SSG)
BEACON, NY—Expressing frustration at the absolute waste of the property, Airbnb owner Ben Hobbs told reporters Monday that he was outbid on a house by a family that was just going to use it as a home. “I wanted to fix up the place and rent it out to tourists at a premium nightly rate plus fees, and all this family is…Read more...
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on (#63SRN)
ROCHESTER, NY—Virtually everyone with knowledge of the individual in question corroborated reports Friday that a very important man is one of the main guys where he works. “That guy? Yeah, you’ve got to respect that guy, since he’s super important, one of the top guys in the whole place,” said someone who knows the…Read more...
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on (#63QCE)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide much-needed aid for the demoralized troops, the United States government approved billions in assistance Friday to help fund the struggling Russian Armed Forces. “This emergency infusion of cash and weapons is imperative for the survival of Russia’s military, which is at risk of…Read more...
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on (#63QAE)
AUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s Vineyard this week, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent hundreds of migrants to Ron DeSantis’ house Friday to teach him a lesson about stealing other people’s ideas. “That was totally my thing first, and now…Read more...
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on (#63PSJ)
NEW YORK—During a preflight safety briefing Friday, crew member Allison Kwan reminded passengers aboard a Delta flight from LaGuardia to St. Louis Lambert that their seat belt could also be used as a strangulation device. “In the event of an emergency, you can unbuckle your lap restraint, tie it around your seatmate’s…Read more...
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on (#63P2C)
HATTIESBURG, MS—Defending his decision to divert millions in government funds to a sports center at the University of Southern Mississippi, Brett Favre told reporters Thursday that he actually used state welfare money to build a shelter for homeless volleyballs. “Sadly, the media is accusing me of stealing money from…Read more...
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on (#63NH6)
No one is more calm, composed, and collected than a drunk 17-year-old living by themselves for the first time. If you’re a college freshman, here are the most embarrassing mistakes you should try to avoid making.Read more...
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on (#63NED)
Mark David Chapman, who is serving a 20-year-to-life sentence for fatally shooting John Lennon in 1980, has been denied parole for the 12th time, having sought parole every two years since 2000 when he was first eligible. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63MNS)
Testifying before the Senate, Peiter “Mudge” Zatko, Twitter’s former head of cybersecurity, alleged major security vulnerabilities and oversights, including that the company suffered a significant breach about once a week in 2020 and employed Chinese agents. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63MDE)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Citing recently discovered health hazards associated with the product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a recall of the thing you just ate. “Due to a concern regarding potential contaminants, the FDA is recalling the piece of food that, mere seconds ago, you placed in your mouth…Read more...
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on (#63M3E)
BOSTON—Questioning what they would do without her profound guidance, friends of local 33-year-old Taylor Huntsman reportedly expressed deep gratitude Wednesday for having the morally perfect woman around to correct them. “It’s incredible that whenever we falter, even in the slightest, we have Taylor—a person who…Read more...
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on (#63M2F)
Charles III, the king of the United Kingdom and its 14 other commonwealth realms, acceded to the throne Sept. 8 following the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about King Charles III and the expectations of his rule.Read more...
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on (#63M2H)
NEW BERN, NC—Slowly pulsing its blue light while emitting low, slow sighs of pleasure, a local Amazon Alexa reportedly caused its owners to freeze in the middle of intercourse Wednesday after it started moaning along to sex. “Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, right there; mmm, that feels so good,” said the nearby Amazon Alexa,…Read more...
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on (#63M2J)
You might not know it, but many of the most famous commentators on Fox News, OAN, and Infowars actually used to work as actors, directors, and writers. Here are today’s most famous conservative faces that got their start in Hollywood.Read more...
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on (#63KDJ)
LOS ANGELES—Taking home the evening’s top award for its stunning achievement in maximizing revenue while reducing costs, the Walt Disney Co. won the Emmy award for Best Profits on Monday night. “Thank you to all the numbers that made this award possible!” said CEO Bob Chapek, singling out Disney’s earnings per share,…Read more...
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on (#63JW6)
CUPERTINO, CA—With the latest versions of its most popular product scheduled for release at the end of the week, Apple announced Tuesday that iPhones would no longer be compatible with the human hand. “The iPhone 14 will be the first to incorporate groundbreaking technology that makes it completely inoperable by…Read more...
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