The Onion

NEW YORK CITY—Calling the expense class warfare, local billionaire Kenneth Anderson was unfairly targeted Thursday with a 5% sales tax on a sandwich he was buying. “You’re singling me out with this indefensible charge because I’m wealthy, and I will not stand for it!” said Anderson, adding that being required to pay…Read more...

Someone trying to drown themselves got hungry midway through.Read more...

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A hiker who was lost on Colorado’s Mount Elbert said he didn’t answer his phone when rescuers called multiple times because he didn’t recognize the number, with the man eventually finding his own way back after 24 hours. What do you think?Read more...

Internal Facebook documents have revealed that in 2017 the company changed its ranking algorithm to treat emoji reactions, including “angry,” as five times more valuable than “likes” to push more provocative content into news feeds and boost engagement. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that time was running out, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell warned Deshaun Watson’s accusers Wednesday that they only have until the stroke of midnight before the magic of credible allegations disappear forever. “Take heart, my dears, for while you have the public’s ear now, be forewarned: When the clock…Read more...

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As a Bengal Dillon went to three Pro Bowls, which would translate as 8 Pro Bowls for the 49ers and 14 Pro Bowls for the Packers.Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Condemning what it described as reckless safety practices in the film industry, the National Rifle Association issued a scathing statement Wednesday in which it accused the producers of Rust of endangering their crew by failing to provide every single person on set with a loaded gun. “If everyone working…Read more...

SAN DIEGO, CA—Launching a thorough investigation shortly upon entering the event, guests at a housewarming party for local woman Adelaide Talbot reportedly conducted a full financial audit Wednesday after seeing that her apartment was fucking huge. “The probe was automatically triggered after we began the tour and…Read more...

It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them.Read more...

This year marks the 50th anniversary since computer engineer Ray Tomlinson sent the first email on ARPANET, kicking off one of the integral parts of today’s information technology landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in the 50-year history of email.

CHICAGO—In the midst of longer delivery times and rising costs, supply chain backups were reportedly forcing many Americans to rethink shipping themselves home for the holidays. “Obviously, I want to see my family, but with all the delays it looks like I would have had to mail myself to my hometown a week and a half…Read more...

Remember, if your child dies on Halloween, they also die in real life. Here are some of the most terrifying trick-or-treating dangers every parent should watch out for.Read more...

IRVING, TX—Following the release of a World Meteorological Organization report that found greenhouse gas concentrations reached a new high in 2020, sources confirmed the staff of ExxonMobil was rewarded Tuesday with a company-wide pizza party. “We just wanted to do something nice to show the team our appreciation for…Read more...

BOSTON—Noting the major improvements in his mood, taste, and overall outlook, friends and family members of local man Joseph Bennington told reporters Tuesday that he was honestly much better off for having turned his life over to the internet’s algorithms. “He’s always in a great mood from looking at funny videos,…Read more...

BALTIMORE, MD—Noting an unfortunate lack of will power and determination, sources confirmed Monday that local family the Johnsons were so lazy that they had kept their daughter’s room exactly the way it was before she died. “It’s easy to procrastinate, and you can always get distracted by stuff like the memorial…Read more...

Senator Joe Manchin has said that he has previously offered to change his political party affiliation to Independent if he were an “embarrassment” to his Democratic colleagues, adding that no Democrats accepted the offer. What do you think?Read more...

The House of Representatives has voted to hold former Trump adviser Steve Bannon in congressional contempt for ignoring subpoenas related to the investigation into the January 6th insurrection, with the Justice Department now having to decide on the prosecution. What do you think?Read more...

They’re always there, in every ripple of water and maze of branches, smiling and waiting, so you may as well know it.Read more...

The White House on Wednesday unveiled its plan to give 28 million U.S. children vaccinations against Covid-19. The Onion looks at the key details of Biden’s child vaccination plan.

ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL player who retires and loses all their earnings within five years,”…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put forward this extensive, once-in-a-generation communique, which is the first…Read more...

Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.Read more...

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MIAMI—Promising to remain current on any recommendations that might gain traction on social media or receive a platform on right-wing news outlets, officials at Miami’s Centner Academy stated Tuesday that they always revised their Covid guidelines to reflect the latest misinformation. “Rest assured, before we decide…Read more...

Dozens of self-driving Waymo vehicles have been inexplicably driving into one San Francisco cul-de-sac, only to make multi-point turns and leave the way they came, with company representatives explaining they’re following road rules to limit traffic elsewhere. What do you think?Read more...

WAUKESHA, WI—Hailing the massive specimen as the greatest NFL discovery of the century, league scientists announced Tuesday that they have discovered a perfectly preserved fourth Watt brother frozen in a Wisconsin beer cooler. “This is a historic find for football that could finally be the crucial missing link between…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that anxieties were rising rapidly, authorities announced Tuesday that concern was mounting over nothing in particular. “We’re seeing a trend towards escalating anxiety which, if left unattended, could spill into full-blown panic,” said researcher Todd Mills, confirming that overwhelmingly negative…Read more...

A Texas school administrator was recorded at a training session advising teachers that if they have a book about the Holocaust in their classroom, they should also offer students access to a book from an “opposing” perspective. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to bring the centrist lawmaker aboard for the party’s signature legislation, Democrats reportedly attempted to woo Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) Monday by taping a single Hershey’s Kiss to the reconciliation bill’s latest draft. “Although we understand Joe won’t budge on certain issues, we…Read more...

CHICAGO—Following an 80-74 win over the Phoenix Mercury, the Chicago Sky erupted in celebration this week after clinching the franchise’s first-ever mention in a newspaper’s sports section. “They said it would never happen in Chicago, but here we are, right at the bottom of the page in the corner,” said star center…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Acknowledging the need to issue federal guidelines before the season’s crisp, cooler weather spread across the country, a special advisory committee of the Food and Drug Administration reportedly met Monday to formulate recommendations for hearty autumn soup recipes. “While we have agreed that…Read more...

CINCINNATI—In a new corporate partnership with the NCAA, Procter & Gamble unveiled a football halftime contest this week that awarded full tuition to any student who could eat an entire line of the company’s products. “Contestants will start with paper products and work their way through hair care, skin care, feminine…Read more...

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more...

The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming?Read more...

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—As the nation’s attitudes toward its own history continue to change, a new study published Friday revealed American support for Indigenous Peoples’ Day significantly increases when it is made clear that it would still be a three-day weekend. “As long as I can still stay up late on Sunday and grill on…Read more...

A Russian film crew and actor have become the first to shoot a feature film in space after boarding the International Space Station on Tuesday, beating Tom Cruise who has partnered with NASA and SpaceX to film in space later this year. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Comforting the city after having their hopes dashed in the final week of the season, the Seattle Mariners promised their fans Wednesday that they would be working hard to finish next year’s playoff race in even more heartbreaking fashion. “We know this was tough, but this was just the beginning; you haven’t…Read more...

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Rapidly turning his head between the spreading leak and the approaching flames, rescue worker Toby Marwell reportedly remarked “uh-oh” Wednesday while standing slack-jawed and watching the California wildfires and oil spill draw ever closer together. “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” said Marwell, grimacing…Read more...

SUDBURY, MA—Explaining that it was nice having a little something for older viewers, local parents Todd and Laila Fischer told reporters Wednesday that children’s movie Peter And The Enchanted Forest had a couple moments that condescend to adults, too. “Obviously, most of the insipid garbage in this movie is just…Read more...

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David Lee Roth, original and current lead singer of Van Halen after a rotation of several other frontmen, has announced his retirement, saying the band’s next slate of scheduled concerts will be his last. What do you think?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Meyer admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Confirming fans’ long-held suspicions about the subtext of the film, Harry Styles revealed Tuesday that Dunkirk was about the female orgasm. “On the surface, it looks like a standard war film, but it’s actually something much sexier,” said Styles, who shared the secret meaning of the 2017 Christopher…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in…Read more...

Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses,…Read more...

DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown,…Read more...