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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 00:00 |
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on (#6JCR9)
While there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.Read more...
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on (#6JCRA)
Social media users recently raised the alarm about the presence of lead in virally popular Stanley cups, which the company admits to using in the vacuum-sealed lining that keeps drinks' temperature stable; however, experts say there is no real risk to user safety as the small amount of lead is covered in stainless...Read more...
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on (#6JCP7)
WASHINGTON-In an address from the White House carried live on television, President Joe Biden gave the nation the nuclear launch codes Monday in case anything were ever to happen to him. Folks, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but the fact is, I'm not always going to be around, and you need to be prepared...Read more...
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on (#6JCP8)
WAITSFIELD, VT-Feeling like a failure upon realizing that he had never even been to space, local 38-year-old Mike Arroyo told reporters Monday that he assumed he would have settled down on a distant monster-filled planet by now. I dunno, I just figured at this point in my life I'd be fighting off grotesque,...Read more...
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on (#6JCP9)
GALLATIN, TN-Touting its access to Cocomelon, Noggin, Disney+, and other popular video services, local daycare Little Angels Learning Center boasted Monday that it maintained a great screen-to-toddler ratio across all its programs. We're proud to say that every child enrolled in our daycare receives individual...Read more...
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on (#6JCM2)
COLUMBUS, OH-In an effort to make the streets safer through arbitrary killings, the State of Ohio began executing random people Monday in the hopes they were criminals. You have to assume at least some of the residents we are hanging and beheading are guilty of something terrible, right?" said Gov. Mike DeWine, who...Read more...
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on (#6JB9Y)
NEW YORK-Buffalo sauce dripping from its beak like blood from a baron's walrus mustache, a local pigeon reportedly delighted in eating a chicken wing Friday as if it were a sophisticated German cannibal enjoying his forbidden delicacy. According to sources, the pigeon's eyes took on a crazed glint, and it savored the...Read more...
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on (#6JB9Z)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) sent the state's National and State Guard to assist Texas in putting up razor wire along the border, despite a recent Supreme Court ruling that the federal government has the right to order its removal as the Biden administration has done. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JBA0)
Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public shaming.Read more...
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on (#6JBA1)
DAYTONA BEACH, FL-Saying the event would mark a pivotal moment in the years-long conservative psyop, liberal conspiracy theorists claimed Friday that Kid Rock would endorse Donald Trump for president at this year's Daytona 500. Calling it now-on Feb. 18, Kid Rock takes the stage for a pre-race concert at Daytona and...Read more...
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on (#6JB6V)
Quiet quitting" is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the quiet quitting" phenomenon.Read more...
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on (#6JA88)
The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand why. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.Read more...
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on (#6JB0M)
BENTONVILLE AR-Confirming the wild animals had been captured and airlifted from forests in Oregon and Montana, Walmart announced it had released wolves into hundreds of it stores this week to help manage shoplifter density. Although the issue of retail theft is complex, we believe it's nothing that a few apex...Read more...
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on (#6JB0N)
With Travis Kelce in the upcoming Super Bowl, Taylor Swift's sellout Eras Tour stopping in Japan, and recent online attacks against both from far-right conspiracy theorists, the power couple's relationship, which is less than a year old, is facing unprecedented pressure and public scrutiny. The Onion sat down with the...Read more...
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on (#6JAYH)
ATMORE, AL-In an effort to make capital punishment more cost-efficient, a cash-strapped Alabama Department of Corrections confirmed Friday it had carried out the nation's first execution by lawn mower. As of last night, the state has successfully executed a convict by running him over repeatedly with a gas-powered...Read more...
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on (#6JAYJ)
GREENVILLE, NC-Telling viewers of his latest charitable video to prepare themselves for his most epic challenge yet," 25-year-old influencer Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson announced Friday that he had resurrected everyone buried at Arlington National Cemetery. You might not know this, but sadly, over 400,000 of our...Read more...
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on (#6JAWE)
Taylor Swift, who has not publicly endorsed anyone in the 2024 election, is facing attacks from Donald Trump supporters and far-right conspiracy theorists who fear she could sway the election in favor of Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JAEA)
An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.Read more...
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on (#6JAEB)
HILLSBOROUGH, NC-Running over after they saw a man screaming at their children, a group of local parents reportedly stepped in Thursday to confront an overprotective parent who was overreacting to their kids pelting his son with rocks. Classic helicopter parenting, going absolutely ballistic over every little rock...Read more...
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on (#6JABH)
LONDON-Scuttling through passageways deep beneath Buckingham Palace, King Charles III reportedly fertilized a clutch of royal eggs Thursday. According to sources, Charles maneuvered through the damp, dark corridors on all four of his limbs, pausing occasionally to click together his fangs and eventually stopping...Read more...
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on (#6JABJ)
NEW YORK-Following his effort earlier this week to solicit thoughts from social media followers about their mental health, sources confirmed Thursday that fur had been falling off Elmo in clumps ever since the Sesame Street star asked Twitter users how they were doing. Elmo make big mistake," said the visibly shaking...Read more...
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on (#6JA87)
As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country's stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.Read more...
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on (#6JA4Z)
KEY WEST, FL-Locking eyes upon realizing they were both cut from the same cloth, local man with a cockatiel on his shoulder Alex Maser reportedly gave a knowing nod Thursday to resident Thomas Beltran, who sported an iguana on his shoulder. Several reports indicated that Maser, accompanied by his cockatiel Roxy,...Read more...
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on (#6JA50)
The rate of infectious cases of syphilis has risen by 9%, according to a federal government report, with cases surpassing 207,000, the highest they've been in 74 years. What do you think?Read more...
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Mark Zuckerberg Assures Concerned Parents That He’s Keeping Very Close Personal Eye On Teen Accounts
on (#6J9FZ)
WASHINGTON-During a congressional hearing Wednesday aimed at holding tech companies accountable for children's safety online, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave testimony in which he assured concerned parents that he was keeping a very close, personal eye on teen accounts. I personally spend most days and nights in front...Read more...
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on (#6J9G1)
FARGO, ND-Appearing baffled by the transparency of the fluid discharged from the machine, area man Luke Chambers was said to have looked on helplessly Wednesday as a soda fountain at a local Hardee's began filling his 32-ounce cup with a cascade of clear liquid. Wait, that's not Pepsi-where's did the Pepsi go?" said...Read more...
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on (#6J9G2)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. Although the patient is still recovering from the procedure, they are doing well and have...Read more...
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on (#6J9G3)
Donald Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by Republican Congresswoman Claudia Tenney (NY), citing the Abraham Accords the former president helped sign while in office, making it the fourth time he has been nominated. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J90M)
In an escalation of an ongoing feud between the two rappers, Nicki Minaj released a diss track, Bigfoot," about Megan Thee Stallion over the weekend, reportedly in response to a line in Megan Thee Stallion's song HISS" which fans interpreted as being about Minaj and her husband, Kenneth Petty. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J900)
Several high-profile stars have recently been victims of sexually explicit deepfakes, which have caused a fierce backlash among fans. The Onion asked celebrities how they felt about lewd, AI-generated images, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J8YG)
NEW YORK-In a sign of the dramatic shifts in broadcasting over the past several decades, a report released Wednesday by the New York University Department of Media found that it sure has been a while since someone killed themselves on live TV. Yeah, it just seems like it's been years since a disgruntled politician...Read more...
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on (#6J8YH)
HAGERSTOWN, MD-Attempting between swigs of whiskey to have a frank discussion with their friend about his need to get help for his drinking problem, the loved ones staging an intervention for local alcoholic Eric Garziano were also drunk, sources reported Wednesday. Just hear us out, buddy, 'cause you gotta, like,...Read more...
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on (#6J8YJ)
WASHINGTON-A new poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center offered a rare glimpse into the psychology of those who will decide the 2024 presidential election, finding that for the average voter, it couldn't hurt if they woke up to Donald Trump or Joe Biden making them a big stack of pancakes. I'm not saying...Read more...
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on (#6J8KW)
On Feb. 11, the San Francisco 49ers will face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, who have three Super Bowl wins since 2019 already under their belts. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J8AT)
After an Alabama man was put to death with nitrogen gas in what was described as a lengthy and agonizing execution, many have criticized this method of capital punishment as inhumane. Others, however, think the procedure is in line with what convicted killers deserve. The Onion asked Americans why they think nitrogen...Read more...
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on (#6J84R)
Panera's Charged Lemonade is alleged to have three times as much caffeine as a Red Bull and to have caused severe physical damage or even death. The Onion explains what happens to the human body after consuming a 30-ounce beverage that, according to lawsuits, contains a whopping 390 mg of caffeine.Read more...
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on (#6J82C)
NEW YORK-Shocked and frustrated by the sudden revelation, local man Anton Pierson told reporters Tuesday that he wished his wife, Marcy Pierson, had been more honest when they were dating about wanting family portraits. We've been together for years, and she never brought it up once-and now she's telling me she wants...Read more...
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on (#6J82E)
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME-Drawing audible gasps of awe as the 51-year-old emerged from the kitchen bathed in light from the back of house, excited Chili's customers were reportedly treated Tuesday to a glimpse of the restaurant's almighty shift manager. Oh my God, that's him! That's him! Nobody stare too long!" said...Read more...
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on (#6J80X)
HARPERS FERRY, WV-Emphasizing that he had seen you whilst on horseback and was most taken with your dazzling beauty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the honorable Colonel Westwood of the 10th Brigade would like to take you as his bride. The Colonel, with all due respect to the man of the household, would be the utmost...Read more...
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on (#6J7JP)
PALM BEACH, FL-Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn't pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. Wait, I know where we can get some cash-we can ask Dad!" said Donald Jr., the oldest of...Read more...
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