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on (#6D7TZ)
Americans across the country need some moniker to scream at their little shits. The Onion examines the most popular baby name in every state.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 07:33 |
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on (#6D7NF)
LOS ANGELES-Drawing disappointing box office returns after months of excitement and viral marketing, the new Barbie movie reportedly tanked Monday after the nation found an empty cardboard box to play in instead. This is more fun because it can be anything," said giggling local man Colton King, 34, speaking on behalf...Read more...
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on (#6D7NG)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that they had come to the negotiating table with concessions to reach an agreement, SAG-AFTRA reportedly offered Hollywood's major film studios unlimited use of actor Justin Long's AI likeness Monday in exchange for a fair contract. We are serious about reaching a compromise, which is why...Read more...
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on (#6D7NH)
PORTLAND, OR-Noting that the bereaved man kept mentioning that the process looked pretty peaceful" to him, sources confirmed Monday that 56-year-old Greg Miller was clearly fishing for a doctor to tell him that his mother's death was painless. You're the expert here, so would you say her passing was, uh...smooth...Read more...
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on (#6D7N7)
DETROIT-Gathering around the inebriated 37-year-old with plans for a frank but necessary talk, concerned friends at Temple Bar reportedly had a long-overdue conversation with alcoholic acquaintance Jason Peck on Monday about buying the next round. We've been talking, Jason, and we need to address the elephant in the...Read more...
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on (#6D7KC)
Approving a new set of standards for classes that cover African American history, Florida's Board of Education has mandated that middle schoolers be taught that slavery gave Black people a personal benefit" because they developed skills." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D608)
TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Boasting that he had achieved his bigoted mindset all by himself," local 65-year-old Alan Smith told reporters Friday that when he was young, he did not require a social media algorithm to get started down the path of white supremacist beliefs. Back in my day, we didn't need to be spoon-fed a...Read more...
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on (#6D609)
A tornado in North Carolina ripped through a Pfizer pharmaceutical facility that produces nearly 25% of all sterile injectable medicines used in U.S. hospitals, sparking concerns about worsening drug shortages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D5M3)
Test your knowledge of the best-selling doll in the world by passing this quiz on Barbie.Read more...
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on (#6D5M4)
BOSTON-As part of an ongoing rebuilding effort to make the team younger and cheaper, the Boston Red Sox reportedly announced Friday they were trading the aging Fenway Park to the New York Yankees for several highly touted blueprints. While it's never easy to say goodbye to a stadium that has served the team well...Read more...
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on (#6D5HJ)
PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to make the ceremony feel as special and intimate as possible, local engaged couple Nate Brewer and Tara Simmons confirmed Friday they were keeping their wedding to just uncles. We know we have a lot of friends and extended family members who will feel disappointed, but we're keeping the...Read more...
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on (#6D4FK)
LUCASVILLE, OH-Prison officials were reportedly thrown into a panic on Thursday when a malfunctioning lethal injection cocktail killed a death row inmate on the first try. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen error in the injection process, the inmate died immediately and without severe pain," said Southern Ohio...Read more...
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on (#6D4FM)
WASHINGTON-Calling for a full-scale investigation into the rival superpower's alleged surveillance, Rep. Mike Gallagher (R-WI) warned Thursday that shrimp imported from China could be spying on Americans. Every day, the United States is recklessly importing thousands of pounds of seafood from China that could contain...Read more...
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on (#6D40K)
Former President Donald Trump received a letter informing him that he is a target of the Justice Department's investigation into efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D3G3)
In an effort to gain insight into the radical ideology, The Onion asked Republicans to explain what white nationalism means to them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D3G4)
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ-In an effort to make the historically white sandwich spread more inclusive, Hellmann's introduced a new line of mayonnaises Wednesday that has been designed to match every skin tone. If you eat a big sloppy sandwich for lunch and wind up with huge globs of mayo on your face, you deserve to have...Read more...
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on (#6D2DC)
Following the box office success of the child sex trafficking film Sound Of Freedom, The Onion asked viewers what they thought of the movie, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6D2DD)
FITCHBURG, MA-Pointing out the shocking contradiction they had been presented with, sources reported Tuesday that the guy over there with the really huge head wasn't even smart. You'd think a dome that big would be filled with a ton of brains, but nope," 34-year-old Massachusetts resident Caleb Palmer told reporters,...Read more...
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on (#6D2DF)
WASHINGTON-Responding to complaints of widespread telephone scammers, the Federal Communications Commission issued a statement Tuesday that claimed 87% of unknown-number calls come from a record company executive who heard your demo. Although they're dismissed as spam by many Americans, the source of most of these ...Read more...
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on (#6D2D0)
SWARM #31205731-Calling the initiative a solution to one of the most pervasive threats to their species, mosquito scientists announced Tuesday an ambitious plan to eradicate Bill Gates worldwide by 2030. For decades, Bill Gates has been a global menace to mosquito-kind, but our research provides hope that we could...Read more...
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on (#6D2D1)
Bank of America has been ordered by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to pay more than $250 million in fines and customer refunds for double-charging fees, withholding reward bonuses, and opening accounts without customers' knowledge or permission. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D2D2)
LOS ANGELES-Chalking it up to his incredible sense of self-restraint and astute judgment, local police officer Dylan Murphy told reporters Tuesday that he was proud to say he had never once fired his gun in the 30 minutes he had served on the force. A lot of people tend to think of the police as trigger-happy, but I...Read more...
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on (#6D2AY)
TOWNSEND, MT-Expressing astonishment that he was already beginning to feel the disorienting effects of alcohol, local man Nathan Bradley, 33, told reporters Tuesday that he was surprisingly drunk after consuming no more than a dozen pints of beer. Those beers must be really strong, because my tab says I only had 12...Read more...
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on (#6D1RE)
The FDA has approved a birth control pill to be sold without a prescription for the first time in the United States, a milestone that could significantly expand access to contraception. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D1NA)
WORCESTER, MA-Describing feelings of isolation amid a recent episode of his disorder, clinically depressed local man Steve Arroyo reportedly wished Monday that his friends would check in on him so he could insist he was fine. It'd be nice if my loved ones took the time to reach out to me and check on my well-being so...Read more...
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on (#6D1BQ)
The number of Americans who have sought out mental health treatment has nearly doubled in the past two decades ago, and with this mainstreaming of therapy comes an abuse of the field's terminology. Here are the worst ways people misuse therapy speak.Read more...
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on (#6D1BD)
TOLEDO, OH-Marveling that the Son of God had appeared to her in the most surprising of places, local woman Florence Stahl said she was amazed Monday when she saw what looked to be the face of Jesus Christ on a crucifix. It's a miracle, the image of our Our Lord and Savior has appeared before me on a wooden cross,"...Read more...
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on (#6D19R)
THE WORLD WIDE WEB-The existence of shared communal truths was dealt a critical blow at approximately 10:07 a.m. Monday, sources reported, when the last factual piece of information was deleted from the internet. This morning, an anonymous editor changed Muhammad Ali's actual birth date on Wikipedia to the wrong...Read more...
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on (#6D19S)
Leaders of a Hollywood's actors union have voted to join screenwriters in the first joint strike in more than six decades, shutting down production across the entertainment industry after talks for a new contract with studios and streaming services broke down. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CZRC)
The Secret Service concluded its investigation into the small bag of cocaine found at the White House and has been unable to identify a suspect. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CZRD)
BURBANK, CA- Threatening legal action against those using its intellectual property without permission, Disney announced Friday that it would begin cracking down on copyright infringement by people who pictured Mickey Mouse while masturbating. All erotic fantasies featuring Mickey Mouse, whether in his current...Read more...
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on (#6CZRG)
About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of a divorce.Read more...
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on (#6CZN2)
NEW YORK-Local man Matt Waggoner reportedly achieved a major personal milestone late Friday afternoon after a four-second appearance on a stadium Jumbotron marked the longest period anyone will pay attention to him in his entire life. Sources confirmed that the brief recognition the 36-year-old sales associate...Read more...
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on (#6CYSA)
LOS GATOS, CA-Touting the film as inspirational" and deeply personal," Netflix announced Thursday the debut of a new documentary that Jonah Hill has produced and directed about his attorney Marty Singer. I decided to make Singer so everyone can learn how to use aggressive tactics to make allegations go away," said...Read more...
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on (#6CYMD)
Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.Read more...
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on (#6CYAG)
European drug safety officials have launched a probe into Ozempic after patients reported thoughts of suicide or self-harm. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CY87)
SPRINGFIELD, IL-In an effort to accommodate drivers with declining cognitive function, the Illinois Department of Transportation began issuing dementia placards Thursday that would allow holders to drive on the wrong side of the highway. Starting today, drivers suffering from dementia in the state of Illinois can...Read more...
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on (#6CXPQ)
A Wimbledon umpire had to ask fans to not uncork champagne bottles while players are serving after a spectator interrupted the third-round match between Russians Anastasia Potapova and Mirra Andreeva by popping open a bottle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CX8R)
NEW YORK-Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon's behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise's orgasms look and sound exactly how you'd imagine them. Our findings confirm that if you think-as many of us do-that Tom Cruise's climaxes involve him gazing with a manic and unswerving...Read more...
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