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on (#68CTV)
WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said President Joe Biden, who urged leaders at all levels of government to…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 04:00 |
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on (#68CJP)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been super interested in communications, so I’d love to hear your perspective on…Read more...
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on (#68CB0)
Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68C93)
ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#68BQG)
The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68BM1)
A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68B80)
Well, here we go! As an experiment, we’re going to leave this McDonald’s hamburger out on our counter here for a year. It should be a pretty good year for us. We have a lot of big things planned. For instance, we’re marrying our fiancée Laura in Cancún next June!Read more...
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on (#68B82)
MINNEAPOLIS—Succumbing to intense societal pressure, local software ChatGPT was reportedly forced to take the bar exam Monday even though its dream was to be an AI art bot. “I can’t help but feel like I sold out a bit by not following my dreams to be a generative art model,” said the chatbot, adding that it felt empty…Read more...
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on (#68B83)
MADISON, WI—Watching the final credits roll on Grease 2, local man Rob Denton told reporters Monday that he had now watched all 761 movies. “I did it, I watched them all,” said the visibly exhausted man, who claimed to have spent the majority of his life thus far working his way through all the movies ever made, from …Read more...
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on (#68B48)
TORONTO—Sighing with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health, director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed Monday. “Are you sure there aren’t any moles on my back that might ooze black pus and cause…Read more...
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on (#68AN5)
PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able…Read more...
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on (#688H9)
CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would love the baby no matter what life-form it…Read more...
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on (#687B3)
People are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6878X)
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire Children’s Division has been replaced with a large van that we fling…Read more...
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on (#6878Y)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United States Joe Biden is delighted to announce that he conceived a child with…Read more...
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on (#686QB)
The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#686GK)
After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.Read more...
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on (#6860R)
FOND DU LAC, WI—Questioning the accuracy of a recent article in the local newspaper, friends and neighbors of late Fond du Lac resident Garry Park, 74, reportedly took issue with The Reporter Wednesday after surmising that Park’s obituary was clearly copied from the Wikipedia article on Genghis Khan. “For starters, it…Read more...
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on (#685CP)
WASHINGTON—Cheering for the incredible sleight-of-hand on display, President Joe Biden reportedly clapped in amazement Tuesday after an FBI agent pulled a document marked “top secret” from behind his ear. “Whoa-ho-ho! How the heck did you do that, man?” said the commander-in-chief, who appeared to beam with …Read more...
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on (#685CQ)
LOS ANGELES—In a small, private ceremony held in the most severely atrophied reaches of his mind, Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin celebrated his 93rd birthday last week by marrying his longtime hallucination of a sexy space babe. “The first time I laid eyes on her she was posing all sexy in a space bikini right…Read more...
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on (#6850Y)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Appearing pleased and presenting the new acquisition with a twirl, local woman Nelly Winters was overheard saying “I love that it has pockets” to a group of friends Tuesday as she showed off her new boyfriend. “I know it’s not my usual style, but it does have four pockets around the waist and this…Read more...
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on (#68468)
Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run “contrary” to state law and that it “significantly lacks educational value.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#683XM)
MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...
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on (#683MW)
Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.Read more...
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on (#683FE)
PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I…Read more...
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on (#681PZ)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.Read more...
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on (#680ZE)
MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling boulders. “Safety comes first, and when you amputate an arm before a big climb, you can be 100%…Read more...
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on (#6807W)
China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67Z1K)
Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67YZT)
WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m supposed to give this to Camilla?” said Warriors rookie shooting…Read more...
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on (#67YGA)
WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditures, one increasingly common strategy is to replace the high-salaried…Read more...
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on (#67Y96)
The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67XRJ)
Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67X9C)
SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from recklessly investing in so many school lunches. “Instead of asking whether it was…Read more...
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on (#67X9B)
COLUMBUS, OH—Grateful that his relatives weren’t attractive enough to tempt him, local man Darren Doherty told reporters Tuesday that his family was too ugly to elicit any incestuous fantasies. “Thank God my family is far too hideous for me to daydream about fucking them,” said Doherty, claiming that if he were part…Read more...
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on (#67X9D)
ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, there’s still some biological urge deep inside of me that wants to…Read more...
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on (#67X9E)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the longest. “Beginning today, all candidates hoping to become president of the United…Read more...
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