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on (#5YDVR)
In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 01:01 |
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on (#5YDNQ)
Without social media, we turned to snacks. When the snacks dried up, we turned on each other.Read more...
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on (#5YDNG)
Twitter has permanently banned America’s most prestigious news publication, The Onion, in a huge overreach of power that encroaches on the mass media company’s first amendment rights, which critics are calling the beginning of the end for journalistic freedoms in the U.S. at the hands of brutal social media tyrants.…Read more...
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on (#5YCFS)
A judge has ruled the lawsuit challenging Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s qualifications to run for reelection can proceed, which alleges that she violated the 14th Amendment by engaging in obstructing the transfer of presidential power. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YC5W)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With the final casualty figures still being determined, encouraging reports confirmed that multiple devastating explosions outside a large public school in western Kabul Wednesday had not killed any Ukrainian civilians. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that while the dead are still being…Read more...
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on (#5YAKP)
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan visited Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on their first joint visit to the U.K. since they gave up formal royal roles and moved to the U.S. more than two years ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y56T)
YouTube talk show Hot Ones features host Sean Evans interviewing celebrities over a plate of increasingly spicy hot wings, resulting in some wild and heated moments. The Onion looks at the craziest moments across Hot Ones’ seventeen seasons.Read more...
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on (#5Y56V)
WASHINGTON—Assisting the recently confirmed nominee in the final steps of her onboarding Wednesday, the Supreme Court IT guy reportedly walked soon-to-be Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson through the process of logging into her new gavel. “We require two-factor authentication to issue a majority, concurring, or dissenting…Read more...
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on (#5Y3HV)
COLUMBUS, OH—Shaking his head and sighing at the heavily tattooed woman across the park, local 51-year-old Michael Wagner reportedly stated “She’s going to regret all those once she gets older” Tuesday while gesturing at her kids. “Even now, most of them are pretty ugly—just think how bad they’re going to look in 20…Read more...
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on (#5XZTF)
A 60-year-old man in Germany was caught after allegedly being vaccinated for Covid as many as 90 times in order to obtain vaccination cards with real batch numbers and sell them to people who did not want to receive the immunization themselves. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XZRC)
Wind farm operator ESI Energy has been sentenced to probation and ordered to pay more than $8 million in fines and restitution for at least 150 eagles that were killed by its turbine blades over the past decade. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XZQZ)
THREE SEAS KINGDOM—Discouraged by his seeming lack of progress, the Lord of Darkness confirmed Friday that he was feeling burnt out by the repetitive cycle of rising to power, being defeated by the Chosen One, and rising again. “I mean, yeah, the entire land is blanketed in evil now, but how long until another…Read more...
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on (#5XZ8S)
MIAMI—A crowded nightclub reportedly erupted into contemplation Friday after an avant-garde DJ really got the entire dance floor thinking. “When that crazy-ass meditative soundscape dropped, everybody on the floor just started ruminating like wild,” said nightclub patron Lydia Wallace, adding that she and her friends…Read more...
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on (#5XZ8R)
While free speech is a constitutional right, many Americans do not feel it is properly protected at universities. The Onion asked several current college students how they’ve felt censored on campus, and this is what they said.
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on (#5XYJ9)
CHICAGO—Saying he had been absolutely blindsided by the sudden change in his fortunes, local 33-year-old Tyler Branton, a man who lost everything in cryptocurrencies, told reporters Thursday that he just wished several thousand more people had warned him. “If only a thousand—or even a few hundred—more friends had…Read more...
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on (#5XYG6)
Republicans in Tennessee have amended a bill that would establish an “alternative form of marriage,” primarily meant to create a class of common-law marriage that would be limited to heterosexual people, to include age limits after a week of backlash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XYFX)
WASHINGTON—His lips flaring as he forced the loud blasts out of his lungs, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly brushed up on his honking Thursday in preparation for an important conference with the nation’s big rigs. “If we’re ever going to find common ground with these 18-wheelers, it’s essential that…Read more...
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on (#5XY4N)
Unless you’re getting paid some serious overtime, your Saturday and Sunday should be off limits. If your boss asks you to work on the weekend, here is what you should say.Read more...
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on (#5XY1R)
WASHINGTON—In a collaboration that all involved touted as an innovative step forward in the world of food science, several Wendy’s menu items were reportedly added to the periodic table of elements Thursday as part of a new sponsorship deal. “We are pleased to welcome the Baconator, the Hot Honey Chicken Sandwich, and…Read more...
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on (#5XXZG)
The Rappahannock tribe, a native tribe in Virginia, has reacquired 465 acres of their ancestral home that English settlers displaced them from in the 1660s, the purchase made possible by donors and grants as part of a growing movement of indigenous peoples fighting to reclaim their land. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XVP0)
FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she discovered the nation’s entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they can’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!”…Read more...
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on (#5XVGJ)
BOSTON—In an exhaustive analysis of the most up-to-date human anatomical studies, a report released Tuesday by researchers at Boston University’s School of Public Health concluded that it was completely possible for you to just lose an arm one day. “The data indicate that more than 99% of people who have lost an arm…Read more...
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on (#5XVGH)
Amazon workers at a Staten Island, NY processing facility have won a historic vote to form the first-ever collective bargaining unit at the e-commerce giant, despite months of an aggressive anti-union campaign run by the company. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XVGG)
CHICAGO—In what she described as a major step forward after months of psychological evaluation, a therapist at online mental health provider BetterHelp confirmed that her session with a client Tuesday had led to a significant breakthrough in sellable patient data. “It’s been a long road, but she was finally able to…Read more...
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on (#5XR3H)
NEW YORK—Responding to outcry over the ending of a 2021 playoff victory by the Kansas City Chiefs over the Buffalo Bills, the National Football League reportedly satisfied fans Friday with a new overtime rule that both teams win. “This rule change, which will be implemented next season and will apply to all playoff…Read more...
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on (#5XQEE)
Nebraska state lawmaker Bruce Bostelman has apologized after citing a debunked rumor that schools are accommodating children who self-identify as cats by placing litter boxes in bathrooms. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XQBV)
Elden Ring has sold over 12 million copies in the month since its release, providing gamers with hours upon hours of what passes for enjoyment these days. Gameplay can be tricky, but it’s ultimately rewarding if you follow OGN’s tips and tricks.
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on (#5XQBT)
ISTANBUL—Stressing that he understood the risks involved in consuming anything offered at the latest round of peace talks, Ukrainian negotiator Mykhailo Podolyak told reporters Thursday that a freshly baked brownie was simply too tempting to pass up. “Obviously we’ve been warned not to touch any of the food or…Read more...
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on (#5XQ14)
TUCSON, AZ—Urging immediate action to safeguard the fun of killing exotic animals, a report out Thursday from Safari Club International stated that the incredible thrill of shooting a white rhinoceros and watching it die was in danger of extinction. “If we do not act quickly and decisively, our children will never…Read more...
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on (#5XPS3)
A Texas-based company that sells “doomsday bunkers” claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million “aristocrat” bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XPS2)
DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. “Unfortunately, our students will have to consume obsolete texts that were published as far back…Read more...
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on (#5XPS1)
ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a “total racket,” local dad Simon Marshall couldn’t believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. “For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to plug all Goofy’s holes is borderline extortion,” said Marshall,…Read more...
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on (#5XPS0)
LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. “So, I’m using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever color you want,” said the social media personality in a recently…Read more...
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on (#5XP43)
Calls advisors to ask if it time to switch to anonymous burner phone.Read more...
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on (#5XNG7)
Taylor Swift will receive an honorary doctorate of fine arts from New York University during a commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium where she will address graduates of 2022 as well as those unable to have a ceremony due to the pandemic in 2021 and 2020. What do you think?Read more...
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