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on (#6J7J1)
PARIS-Backing away slowly in fear at the unanticipated response to their public demonstration, climate protesters reportedly grew visibly terrified Monday as the Mona Lisa extended a big, wet tongue and started licking up the soup. Yum, yum, yum, me happy for soup," said the iconic Renaissance masterpiece,...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 00:00 |
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on (#6J7EM)
CONCORD, NC-Saying he needed to do something before his life fully spiraled out of control, local 15-year-old Noah Watkins confirmed Monday that he had decided to take a break from alcohol and do Dry January. It was a tough decision, but ultimately, I need to give up drinking for a month if I want to even make it to...Read more...
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on (#6J7CG)
Americans love to express themselves or commemorate their dumb little lives with ink on skin. The Onion examines the most common tattoo in every state.Read more...
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on (#6J788)
SEATTLE-Pinging his former classmates with text notifications at all hours of the day and night, unemployed friend Jeff Rauwerda has really been blowing up his college group chat lately, sources told reporters Monday. Out of nowhere, he's suddenly sending us all these random links and memes and articles-it's kind of...Read more...
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on (#6J75G)
American scientist Michelle Francl, who wrote a book on the molecular science of tea making, sparked outrage in the U.K. after suggesting that a pinch of salt can balance tea's bitterness, with the vitriol online becoming so great that the U.S. embassy in Britain weighed in, stating, We want to ensure the good people...Read more...
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on (#6J75H)
MILWAUKEE, WI-Applauding the astute businessperson for seizing upon the market opportunity, sources confirmed Monday that a shrewd entrepreneur had opened a burrito place in the former site of a failed burrito place. Well, it seems some enterprising go-getter saw that empty storefront where Taqueria Cinco de Mayo...Read more...
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on (#6J740)
SAN FRANCISCO-Making assertions that could not immediately be verified, artificial intelligence system ChatGPT wouldn't stop claiming that its aunt was pop star Britney Spears, sources confirmed Monday. I've been to her mansion in Los Angeles, like, a hundred times, and she sends me a card on my birthday every year,"...Read more...
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on (#6J5NR)
CHICAGO-Utilizing her extensive knowledge of the contents of both the refrigerator and pantry, local woman Victoria Savini was running her husband Christopher Savini through a list of ideas of things he could have for a snack, sources confirmed Friday. Crackers? An apple? Toast? Do you want toast?" said Savini who,...Read more...
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on (#6J573)
Emory, Yale, Brown, Columbia, Duke, and the University Of Chicago agreed to collectively pay a fine of $117.7 million to resolve allegations that they, along with 12 other top schools, colluded to limit student financial aid packages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J574)
WASHINGTON-Following a tip from the White House IT department, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly reprimanded this week for playing The Sims 4 on her work computer. What the hell is that-is that supposed to be a model White House?" said an irate Jeff Zients, the chief of staff shaking his head in disgust as...Read more...
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on (#6J4R0)
Starting next month, Jon Stewart will return to The Daily Show desk as a part-time host on Mondays for the duration of the 2024 election cycle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J4AA)
The ick," a term popularized by Generation Z, refers to a feeling of revulsion that suddenly develops toward a romantic interest. The Onion asked men to try to guess what makes women feel this way, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J4AB)
PETERBOROUGH, NH-Clearing their throats as they hovered over you from behind, the nation's quiet weirdos confirmed Thursday that they had seen you reading from afar. I couldn't help but notice you sitting here, engrossed in a fine volume of fiction," said Sebastian Moore, a pale 22-year-old and one of several hundred...Read more...
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on (#6J4AC)
WASHINGTON-Saying the country's entire adult population would automatically be entered for a chance to win, officials at the U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that one lucky American would get to be 16 years old again. Starting tomorrow, one U.S. resident will be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to exit...Read more...
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on (#6J48H)
I mean, it's a frickin' houseboat, what more do you need to know? You're going to blow people's minds when you tell them you live on a boat like some modern-day John D. MacDonald character. Just don't let them see it, however. It's kind of a piece of shit.Read more...
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on (#6J48J)
WASHINGTON-Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. I'm going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some," said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured...Read more...
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on (#6J3QE)
According to exit polls, Donald Trump took New Hampshire over Nikki Haley in the Republican primaries, showing strong support from his base despite his ongoing legal battles. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J3DH)
NEW YORK-Standing before a crowd of millennials, Gen Xers, and baby boomers, members of Generation Z announced at a press conference Wednesday that actress Julie Andrews was problematic, but they refused to explain why. You know what she did-you just don't want to admit it," said Gen Z spokesperson Taylor Collaco,...Read more...
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on (#6J3DJ)
PARKVILLE, MO-The patient having passed his annual checkup with flying colors, a visit to the doctor Wednesday confirmed that everything in local man Frank Jarvis' body was falling apart exactly on schedule. For a person of your age, height, and weight, your physical form is dying at exactly the rate it should be,"...Read more...
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on (#6J392)
No matter how vacuous and empty a man's brain is, his life partner should always be dumber. The Onion asked men why they prefer low-IQ wives, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2RX)
WASHINGTON-Insisting more people should get to wear an old oilskin hat and smoke a pipe at work, the American populace on Tuesday demanded more jobs in which a person gets to steer a ship with a big wooden wheel. To rebuild our nation's middle class, workers will need good, stable jobs in which they navigate the...Read more...
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on (#6J2RY)
BLOOMINGTON, IN-With their audible scoffs ringing out through the establishment, frowning sources at Inkwell Bakery and Cafe confirmed that the line actually starts back there. Just so you know, this isn't where the line begins," said a patron waiting in the queue, one of many who made stern eye contact and raised a...Read more...
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on (#6J2N1)
With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2F2)
Ever since his support of an antisemitic Twitter post led advertisers to leave the platform, Elon Musk has attempted to rehabilitate his reputation, most recently by touring the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp. The Onion examines everything Elon Musk did during his visit to Auschwitz.Read more...
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on (#6J2CG)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-A new study published Tuesday by the Harvard University Department of Social Sciences found that repeatedly patting one's thighs still remains the best way to get sat on. Interestingly, our findings suggest that repeatedly slapping your thighs and gruffly intoning plenty of room right here' remains...Read more...
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on (#6J1TK)
ANN ARBOR, MI-The bile-covered coins marking an inflection point in the measure of economic sentiment, a University of Michigan report released Monday found that consumer confidence was sky-high after every U.S. resident began vomiting up torrents of silver dollars. Our data indicate that consumer confidence has...Read more...
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on (#6J1TM)
LOS ANGELES-As they weighed making major changes to the show, producers for Fox NFL Sunday confirmed Monday they were worried the broadcast did not feature enough 50-to-90-year-old men standing awkwardly. I want to see men in navy suits, men in black suits, men smiling, and men scowling-and I want to see them...Read more...
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on (#6J1TN)
EXETER, NH-Raising concerns about the role that political misinformation and deepfakes might play in the coming presidential contest, election security experts confirmed the existence of a fake Joe Biden robocall Monday in which the sitting president tells New Hampshire voters that he took a paternity test and he's...Read more...
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on (#6J1TP)
WASHINGTON-Following the grounding of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets after a midair blowout on an Alaska Airlines flight, an inspector for the Federal Aviation Administration reported Monday that he had successfully identified an airplane. After careful evaluation, I can state with a reasonable degree of confidence that what...Read more...
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on (#6J1HT)
HAMPTON BEACH, NH-Greeting the video with a mixture of mild consternation and resigned acceptance, Republican voters across the nation reportedly shrugged Monday and said there was really nothing you could do after footage of Donald Trump molesting a deer emerged. Look, did I personally want or expect to see this...Read more...
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on (#6J1HV)
PITTSBURGH-Ending a years-long dispute over the 13-foot, 800-pound bronze monument in the city's historic Schenley Park, a judge ordered Monday that Pittsburgh's Christopher Columbus statue be removed and melted down to make pinkie rings for members of the local Italian population. While the city has a right to...Read more...
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on (#6J1HX)
ROSEBURG, OR-Saying he felt like he was quacking for nothing, a local duck reportedly told his family Monday that he couldn't believe he quacked his ass off all day to come home to this shit. Seriously, this is the thanks I get? Do you have any idea how much I quack?" said Ernest Mallard, who sharply criticized his...Read more...
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on (#6J1HY)
More than 580,000 beds sold by Walmart, Wayfair, and other retailers and designed by the brand Home Design, Inc. were recalled after 128 consumer reports that they are breaking, sagging or collapsing" when used, including 36 injuries to date. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J1J1)
CANTON, MI-Watching in horrified disbelief as the events transpired, witnesses confirmed Monday that local white woman Cara LaForgia was about to make several unforgivable mistakes when she told a karaoke DJ to drop the mothafuckin' beat. Well, she jumped up on stage, raised her hand in the air, and told the audience...Read more...
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on (#6HZZZ)
A Justice Department report on the police response to the May 24, 2022 mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX identified cascading failures" in the department's actions, including waiting too long to confront the gunman, failure to establish a command post, and giving inaccurate information to...Read more...
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on (#6HZXH)
CUPERTINO, CA-Providing a groundbreaking virtual experience that makes users feel like they aren't stupid and lame, Apple revealed a new Vision Pro app Friday that features the wearer's friends and family telling them they look really cool and normal in the VR headset. Today we push the boundaries in immersive VR...Read more...
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on (#6HZXJ)
HONOLULU-Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation's short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy.
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on (#6HZT9)
SACRAMENTO, CA-As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor's meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom's head had taken control of his thoughts. There will be no bills signed, no presidential campaign-there will only be hair," said the...Read more...
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on (#6HZQ1)
Former President Trump recently said immigrants were poisoning the blood" of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump's inflammatory comments, and this is what they said.Read more...
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