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on (#5XMWJ)
Hoteliers in Venice are supplying tourists with water guns to help ward off aggressive seagulls that have become increasingly bold in swooping down to steal food as visitors dine on hotel terraces. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 01:01 |
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on (#5XMP7)
LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people. “The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith’s actions, which served as a…Read more...
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on (#5XMP8)
SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you,” said Faraz…Read more...
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on (#5XMP9)
The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5XM87)
CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was because of how much beer I was drinking, but now that happens as a…Read more...
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on (#5XM88)
YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forgot that was today—how is there nothing going on in my social life,…Read more...
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on (#5XM5X)
CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic items, like a quarter pounder with cheese, small fries, or four…Read more...
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on (#5XM5V)
Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XKE1)
Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XK9N)
All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.Read more...
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on (#5XGWN)
Lollapalooza has announced this year’s music festival lineup, which includes a performance by 60-year-old Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who is a dance music DJ outside his day job. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XGWP)
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of text messages that suggested she had urged the White House chief of staff to overturn a presidential election, conservative activist Ginni Thomas told reporters Friday her controversial exchanges with Mark Meadows were nothing more than regular, run-of-the mill infidelity. “I…Read more...
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on (#5XGT2)
WASHINGTON—In a tribute to a brave Civil Rights pioneer who helped the nation cross a momentous threshold, the Smithsonian Institution dedicated a new exhibit Friday to the first African American to use a whites-only glory hole. “I remember being scared, of course, with all those angry white people jeering at me as…Read more...
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on (#5XGR0)
NEW YORK—Expressing concern for the future of one of their most popular series, HBO executives revealed their hopes Friday that George R.R. Martin would finish writing the final Euphoria novel before it was time to start production on the show’s next season. “As a celebrated and beguiling storyteller, George is really…Read more...
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on (#5XGJG)
With Russia waging an unceasing and violent war in Ukraine, Hollywood stars are stepping up and using their money, fame, and influence to help. We asked several celebrities how they are aiding Ukrainians, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5XGHT)
BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden reportedly cut a NATO summit short Friday in order to squeeze in a chocolate tour of Brussels. “Does anyone mind if we wrap this up early? I’ve got nonrefundable tickets to the afternoon chocolate tour,…Read more...
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on (#5XGHV)
NEW YORK—Touting its state-of-the-art technology capable of detecting a fetus just three weeks after conception, Planned Parenthood announced Friday that it had developed and built its first fully functional heat-seeking abortion drone. “This drone, which features an intrauterine infrared camera and 3,000 pounds of…Read more...
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on (#5XGBJ)
Music performer Kid Rock has claimed in a recent interview that former President Donald Trump asked him for advice about U.S. policy on North Korea and the Islamic State while visiting the White House in 2017. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XFQ7)
WASHINGTON—Sending frightened lawmakers and staffers scattering for the exit, Lindsey Graham (R-SC) reportedly burst into Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing Thursday brandishing a rifle and demanding that the senators free the children now. “Where are they? I know you’re hiding them,” said…Read more...
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on (#5XFND)
STANFORD, CA—Offering sympathy and verifying widespread reports about the former secretary of state’s health, sources confirmed Thursday that Condoleezza Rice, 67, will die one day. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I share with you the news that Secretary Rice, who dutifully served her country…Read more...
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on (#5XFNE)
Archaeologists working on Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral following its devastating fire in 2019 discovered several tombs under the floor of the famous church that likely date back to the 14th century. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XF2R)
Due to its low taxes, affordable home prices, and strong job market, Texas has become a very appealing place to live for many West Coasters. The Onion asked several people why they moved from California to Texas, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5XF2S)
Match rolled out a new service called Stir that aims to remove barriers to dating and meet the specific needs of single parents that aren’t typically addressed on mainstream dating apps. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XEF4)
The Biden administration has formally declared that Myanmar’s military committed genocide and crimes against humanity against the Rohingya, a determination that human rights groups have been advocating for years. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XD47)
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was admitted to the Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington where he is being treated for an infection. Court officials said he plans to still take part in cases despite missing oral arguments. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XCYN)
WASHINGTON—Arguing that the glaring gap in her record raised serious questions about her fitness for the role, Senate Republicans spent Tuesday’s nomination hearings attacking Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson for her lack of experience on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Judge Jackson, I’m struggling to understand how you expect…Read more...
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on (#5XCFQ)
OGDEN, UT—Admitting that it wasn’t his area of expertise, a customer at local service center Barry’s Tire and Automotive told reporters Tuesday that he wished he knew enough about cars to tell if a repair on his Hyundai Elantra should really cost one whole blow job. “I should have done some research beforehand so I’d…Read more...
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on (#5XCFS)
PAHRUMP, NV—A local woman doing her taxes Thursday reportedly didn’t know what to do after an onscreen message from TurboTax threatened to tell the IRS that she cheated on her taxes unless she upgraded to the deluxe version of the tax preparation software. “We’ve got all your information now, and we can easily change…Read more...
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on (#5XBS2)
The Chicago Police Department is lowering hiring standards for new recruits by dropping the college credit requirement for some candidates, as the agency continues to face staffing shortages related to Covid as well as a local and national reckoning with policing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XBEC)
ORLANDO, FL—With a grandiose gesture toward the dozens of 1-inch-square wooden plaques lining the walls, local exterminator Keith Dunford invited reporters into his trophy room Friday to show off the mounted heads of insects he had hunted down. “This here is an Eastern subterranean termite whose colony I…Read more...
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on (#5XBB3)
NEW YORK—Motioning for his family to come closer so they could hear his final wishes, corporate executive Roland Drexler reportedly requested on his deathbed Monday that his obituary be optimized for SEO. “After I’m gone, I’ll need you to make sure the notice of my death ranks high in organic search results on Google…Read more...
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on (#5XB3Z)
A group of extremely pale individuals struggle to address their vitamin D deficiency through violence rather than more sun exposure.Read more...
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on (#5X8EA)
Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson will travel to the edge of space next week on Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket, making it the company’s fourth spaceflight with human passengers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X7PE)
Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.Read more...
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on (#5X78B)
WASHINGTON—Calling for a full-scale Federal Trade Commission investigation into the sauce and salad dressing brand, the American Antitrust Institute issued a report Thursday warning that nearly every food brand in the United States was owned by a handful of companies, which in turn were controlled by Newman’s Own.…Read more...
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on (#5X6EV)
SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk has challenged Russian president Vladimir Putin to a “single combat” fight for the fate of Ukraine in a tweet directed at the Kremlin’s official account. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X5X8)
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME—Stressing that there must have been some sort of mix-up in the ordering process, local man Tim McGowan told reporters Wednesday that the coleslaw portion he had received at Rose’s Diner was so generous that it felt like he was getting away with robbery. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated that…Read more...
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on (#5X5P5)
Squatters have occupied the London mansion of a Russian oligarch sanctioned by the British government, displaying a sign saying “this property has been liberated” and calling for the seven-bedroom mansion to be made available to Ukrainian refugees. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X551)
NFL quarterback Tom Brady said he will return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just two months after announcing his retirement, saying his “place is still on the field.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X51A)
WASHINGTON—Shrugging as they revealed that every one of their husbands and wives had participated, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court sheepishly admitted Tuesday that not only Ginni Thomas, but all of their spouses had attended the Jan. 6 riot. “Well, yeah, if you really need to know, my wife Joanna was at the…Read more...
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