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on (#67W7F)
Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 04:00 |
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on (#67W5E)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you might want to give your ex a call?” asked officer Brent McCarthy, telling the…Read more...
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on (#67W5F)
BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from eastern Europe. “I coerced a bunch of young lawyers to come to Romania and be…Read more...
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on (#67W5G)
COLUMBUS, OH—Informing her the facility was currently operating beyond capacity and experiencing delays, staff at Columbus Memorial Hospital told a woman suffering cardiac arrest that they could schedule an appointment for her to undergo CPR in six weeks. “If you could just stay home and try to avoid any strenuous…Read more...
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on (#67W48)
PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts. “We have reason to believe Powell has put both company and personal assets…Read more...
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on (#67T4V)
LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who…Read more...
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on (#67SN3)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend.Read more...
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on (#67SFR)
WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun and start shooting at their feet. “Once they reach their 80s, traditional…Read more...
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on (#67RZV)
New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67RXS)
WASHINGTON—Peeking around corners and ducking past doorways in an effort to get in and out of her workplace unseen, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly popped by the Eisenhower Executive Office Building late Wednesday to print out concert tickets. Upon confirming all members of her staff, who she had allegedly not…Read more...
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on (#67R89)
Rep. George Santos (R-NY) has repeatedly misrepresented his achievements, his career, and his heritage both before and during his time as an elected official. Here is every lie he’s told the public about his life so far.Read more...
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on (#67QHP)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silencing conservative voices. “Today, on Roblox, I was disgusted to…Read more...
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on (#67NQ7)
HARTFORD, CT—Overcome with quiet melancholy as she witnessed the profound tenderness of the exchange, area woman Camille Rossner reportedly realized Tuesday that she would never know an intimacy like that of two passing garbage truck drivers slowing down their vehicles to point at each other. “It must feel so amazing…Read more...
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on (#67MF4)
CLEVELAND—Representing just one couple among millions who fall prey to the scam every year, Annalise and Patrick Callahan confirmed Monday they had lost their life savings after getting tricked into having their baby at the hospital. “These so-called healthcare officials assured us this was a safe and smart place to…Read more...
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on (#67MEY)
HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfully accuse a suspect and take him into custody, we…Read more...
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on (#67MEZ)
While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#67J9W)
WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the…Read more...
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on (#67HTD)
BOSTON—Putting his headphones over his ears and taking a deep breath, local man Dalton Griffith was reportedly listening to his pump-up playlist at the gym Friday to get the courage to take off his shirt in the locker room. “I got this,” said Griffith, who turned up the volume on the DMX song from his carefully…Read more...
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on (#67H2B)
WASHINGTON—Defying speculation that the 118th Congress would get little accomplished during its term, the incredibly productive House of Representatives assembled Thursday for its eighth vote in just three days. “Less than 72 hours into the new session, and they’ve already held seven votes—these committed…Read more...
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on (#67H2C)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 18 games.Read more...
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on (#67GGF)
AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as well get really good at pool. “Our moms and dads just ordered their fourth round,…Read more...
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on (#67GGG)
Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state.Read more...
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on (#67FQE)
NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you league doctors have diagnosed me with chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a condition…Read more...
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on (#67FEN)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on what happens to humans after they die, a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Neurology found that the nightmares will never cease, not even in death. “For decades, the consensus among scientists was that once life ended, the nightmares would end too, but new data confirms we…Read more...
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on (#67F5K)
GLENDALE, AZ—After receiving surgery to repair a torn ACL, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray reportedly vowed Wednesday that he was doing everything possible to get back on Xbox Live. “It’s been really difficult not to be out there competing in the Call Of Duty battle royale with my fellow gamers, but I’m…Read more...
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on (#67F5N)
New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67F5M)
WASHINGTON—Banging his head against the top of the dome in the rotunda, newly sworn-in Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) told reporters Wednesday he was struggling to adapt to the size of the Capitol Building. “I didn’t think the transition from small-town Pennsylvania would be easy, but I wasn’t expecting to have to grease…Read more...
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on (#67D4A)
BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly…Read more...
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on (#67D4B)
CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from behind this door, rest assured, that is us,” said a red-faced, profusely…Read more...
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on (#67D4C)
JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the events that transpired after the crucifixion of the religious figure, biblical archaeologists from the University of Oxford announced Monday they had uncovered a 2,000-year-old poster-board photo collage that was displayed at the funeral of Jesus Christ. “This ancient tribute to the…Read more...
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on (#67D30)
A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67D31)
KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re…Read more...
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on (#67D2R)
If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#67D2T)
New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67ATK)
South Korea passed laws to scrap its traditional method of counting ages, in which citizens are deemed to be a year old when born with a year added every Jan. 1, and adopt the international standard, causing everyone to lose one or two years of age. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67ART)
INDIANAPOLIS—Circulating the image widely, local police released a composite sketch Friday of what the department preferred the murder suspect they were hunting to look like. “We’ve been able to put together this photo-realistic drawing of the murderer based on what witnesses have told us, as well as what we think…Read more...
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on (#679V1)
CHAMPAIGN, IL—After failing to identify the legal owner within the standard 90 days, police officials announced Thursday that they would allow a local jogger to keep the body she found since no one claimed it. “We held it in lost and found for the mandatory waiting period, but no one turned up to claim it or even…Read more...
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on (#678SG)
A new census report shows that England is no longer majority Christian, with those claiming Christianity falling from 59% in 2011 to 46%, and citizens claiming no religion rising 12%. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#678SH)
ATLANTA—Making use of a fully automated feature that enables the vehicle to release itself from the guilt and shame of past mistakes, a self-loving Tesla reportedly forgave itself Monday for running over a 6-year-old in a crosswalk on a residential street. “The AI operating system of this Tesla Model 3 allowed it to…Read more...
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on (#678SJ)
NEW YORK—Asserting that America’s favorite no-stick spray had a hidden benefit for younger customers, a new Pam ad campaign released this week reportedly reminded teens that Pam can get them high and was easy to obtain. “Hello, I’m going to cut to the chase for any young viewers watching: you can go out to a…Read more...
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on (#678R4)
A London studio is offering to remove tattoos of the artist now known as Ye for free following a string of controversies surrounding the U.S. rapper. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#678QZ)
Tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tsh ch-ch-tshRead more...
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