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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 12:48 |
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on (#6CW4D)
ANNAPOLIS, MD-Seeing that her child was upset with her and hoping to provide some reassurance, loving mother Laurie Batts reportedly sat down Tuesday with her daughter Caroline to let her know that the only thing she wanted was for the girl to be different in every way possible. Honey, I know sometimes it can feel...Read more...
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on (#6CVPB)
A teacher in Italy who avoided going to work but kept collecting paychecks for over 20 years by using sick leaves, holidays, and permits to attend conferences has finally been fired by her employers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CVKH)
WASHINGTON-Calling the influencer-backed beverage a serious public health concern, a visibly erect Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called on the FDA Monday to investigate the 72-hour erection he had experienced as a result of drinking Logan Paul's Prime energy drink. Buyers and parents need to understand the risks involved...Read more...
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on (#6CVGD)
IRVINE, CA-Emphasizing that it often made the difference between life and death, top safety experts confirmed Monday that the best response to an active shooter situation was just being yourself. If you're trapped in a public space where a mass shooting is taking place, the worst thing you can do is try to be...Read more...
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on (#6CV8K)
NEW YORK-Shedding new light on consumer trends in the automotive industry, a new report published Monday claimed that 76 percent of tinted windows concealed a pensive celebrity pondering how disconnected they had become from the Everyman. Inside three of every four passenger vehicles with tinted windows sits a...Read more...
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on (#6CV8M)
WALTHAM, MA-In a finding providing direction to the more than 6 million Americans afflicted with the disease, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine concluded that daily exercise could help Alzheimer's patients look hot. Even 30 minutes of exercise every other day can help stave off the...Read more...
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on (#6CSTB)
Meta's new Twitter competitor, Threads, reached over 30 million users in its first day alone, posing one of the biggest threats to the embattled social media company since Elon Musk took ownership. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CSQB)
WASHINGTON-In response to a sharp decline in readership since 2020, desperate Washington Post publisher Fred Ryan offered new subscribers a free hand job, sources confirmed Friday. This limited-time offer to get your pud tugged by yours truly will be extended to all new and renewing subscribers until the end of the...Read more...
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on (#6CSMQ)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming the Meta CEO violated his intellectual property rights, Elon Musk filed a lawsuit against Mark Zuckerberg Friday for being better at profiting off someone else's idea. He clearly violated the law by copying my idea of taking another person's idea, but making way more money off it than I would...Read more...
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on (#6CSMR)
NORMAN, OK-Claiming that statewide curricula should no longer ignore this violent historical event, Oklahoma school officials announced plans Friday to begin teaching students that the Tulsa Race Massacre was a crime of passion that resulted from loving Black people too much. It's important that students are educated...Read more...
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on (#6CSA0)
In anticipation of the summer blockbuster, The Onion provides you with everything you need to know about the Barbie movie.Read more...
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on (#6CSA2)
LONDON-As the debate continues over whether European and American institutions should return artworks and objects forcibly removed from formerly colonized areas, the British Museum announced Friday that it would take a compromise route by launching its collection of stolen African artifacts into space. It's best for...Read more...
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on (#6CRPN)
SAN FRANCISCO-Emphasizing that the product was simple to use and incredibly easy to order through their mobile app, telehealth brand Hims announced Thursday that it would begin offering a new dunce cap for men who can't get hard. Starting today, all Hims customers can log on and, at the click of a button, have one of...Read more...
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on (#6CRKP)
Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is facing backlash for his long history of antigay remarks, both in office and on the presidential campaign trail. The Onion examines some of the most homophobic statements he's made throughout his career.Read more...
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on (#6CRDN)
ITHACA, NY-Putting her head down to avoid drawing attention to herself, Alexandra Hepp, a professor at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, told reporters Thursday she was pretending not to recognize a bird she knew from work. Oh shit, it's that purple honeycreeper from my office," said Hepp, who turned her back toward...Read more...
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on (#6CRDP)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt by the think tank to find a model for sustainable growth of the U.S. economy, a new initiative proposed Thursday by the Economic Policy Institute would require companies to go back to naming products by combining what they do with the suffix O-Matic." Our research shows that businesses...Read more...
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on (#6CRBX)
NEW YORK-Saying even a small amount could keep him awake until the early hours of the morning, local man Pete Gutierrez told reporters Thursday that he always struggled to sleep if he had even a little bit of MDMA after 4 p.m. All it takes is just a taste of molly in the afternoon, and I'll be tossing and...Read more...
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on (#6CRBY)
Currently, the U.S. Supreme Court sits nine justices, three of whom were appointed by former President Donald Trump. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose President Biden expanding the court and appointing more justices of his own, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6CQXJ)
Airbnb has announced that a three-story mansion modeled after Barbie's iconic Malibu DreamHouse will be available for limited booking ahead of the release of the Barbie movie. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CQXM)
WASHINGTON-In response to a lawsuit alleging improper communication between the U.S. government and social media companies, a federal judge blocked the White House this week from continuing to comment Good morning, beautiful" on Instagram models' posts. Following this ruling, the executive branch will no longer be...Read more...
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on (#6CQTQ)
WASHINGTON-After examining an unknown substance discovered on White House grounds, the Secret Service told reporters Wednesday that the mysterious white powder found in the West Wing had been identified as President Joe Biden. Through extensive forensic testing we've determined the composition of the white powder to...Read more...
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on (#6CQQ3)
PHILADELPHIA-In the hours following a violent rampage in Pennsylvania in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre...Read more...
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on (#6CQHB)
In recognition of the many cute monikers and hateful terms of defamation by which these American leaders are known, The Onion exams the most famous nicknames of every U.S. president.Read more...
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on (#6CQHC)
HARTFORD, CT-Taken aback by the dark realization of her family history, local woman Helen Staub told reporters Wednesday she was shocked after an ancestry report found that her brother owned slaves. Wait, you're telling me that way back in 1998, my brother owned slaves?" said Staub, who closely examined with...Read more...
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on (#6CQGT)
LOUISVILLE, KY-Providing patients with the exciting, lucrative opportunity, Norton Hospital announced Wednesday that it would offer free healthcare to anyone who beats their 500-Milligram Morphine Challenge. All you have to do is swallow the full bottle of opiates without dying, and all your medical bills will be...Read more...
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on (#6CQF5)
OVERLAND PARK, KS-Marveling at her strong gait, no-nonsense attitude, and absolute laser focus while striding past, dozens of witnesses reportedly mistook a local woman's overwhelming need to find a bathroom for confidence on Wednesday. Wow, that's someone who knows what she wants and knows how to get it," local...Read more...
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on (#6CQF6)
CHICAGO-Appearing ill at ease in its position on the third story, local air-conditioning unit EKJ30-1 confirmed Wednesday it felt like an idiot with its entire ass hanging out of the window. God, this is humiliating-it's huge and everyone can see it," said EKJ30-1, who called the angle at which its behind was jutting...Read more...
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on (#6CPQX)
WASHINGTON-Calling on the radically different-sized fellows to finally fulfill their destinies, the U.S. populace reportedly demanded Tuesday that the world's tallest man give the world's shortest man a piggyback ride. Let us be clear: the world's tallest man must hoist the world's shortest man onto his back and run...Read more...
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on (#6CPQV)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to draw attention to the earth's continuing loss of biodiversity, officials from the World Wildlife Fund confirmed Tuesday that the only remaining species were humans, pigeons, and dandelions. Yep, that's it-there are a few thousand pigeons, some dandelions, and then humans are obviously still...Read more...
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on (#6CPQY)
LAS VEGAS-Alleging that he himself would've had the power to change the course of the deadliest terrorist attack in U.S. history, actor and former rapper Mark Wahlberg reportedly claimed Tuesday that 9/11 would have gone down differently if he were in al-Qaeda. I can tell you this: If I were a radical jihadist in one...Read more...
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on (#6CPR0)
This Fourth of July marks the 247th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?Read more...
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on (#6CPR1)
Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers' perspective. Amid ongoing criticism of how the media portrays violent acts by law enforcement, we're sharing ...Read more...
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on (#6CPR2)
Prove that you're a true patriot who loves their country by correctly answering these questions about the founding of America.Read more...
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on (#6CP72)
In a 6-3 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Biden administration's plan to forgive billions of dollars in federally backed student loan debt, a decision that means millions will have to start making student loan repayments later this year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CNZA)
Texas residents are currently experiencing temperatures of up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit as a result of an extended heat dome" hovering over the state. The Onion asked Texans how they felt about the deadly weather, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6CNZB)
As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it's the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.Read more...
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on (#6CNZC)
HARRISONVILLE, MO-Admitting that he was getting older and it was time to take the next step, single misogynist Rudy Griffin told reporters Monday he was ready to settle down and hate one woman for the rest of his life. I've been playing the field of despising tons of stupid bitches for a long time, and I think I'm at...Read more...
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on (#6CNZD)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Citing data on the isolation and loneliness of Americans, a new study conducted by the Harvard University Department of Psychology confirmed Monday that it becomes much harder to make childhood friends as an adult. As we age, we tend to get caught up in careers and families, so it becomes more...Read more...
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on (#6CNXB)
NEW YORK-His eyes widening in stunned disbelief at the monumental sum, local podcaster Kyle Campbell was reportedly watching in stunned disbelief Monday as his bank account balance doubled with every slur he said into the microphone. Upon recognizing the phenomenon, sources reported that Campbell began uttering racial...Read more...
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on (#6CNXD)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an effort to maintain the quality of the website, Goodreads.com announced Monday that it was now only permitting reviews from people who haven't read the book.We at Goodreads owe it to both authors and readers to stop people from spamming our review section with coherent analyses of books that...Read more...
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on (#6CNXE)
A minuscule handbag measuring just 657 by 222 by 700 microns (or less than 0.03 inches wide) bearing Louis Vuitton's signature monogram sold for over $63,000 at an online auction. What do you think?Read more...
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