 |
on (#66NQY)
GREENWICH, CT—Bursting into shouts of opposition as an attorney read aloud her will, members of the local Douvry family were reportedly scandalized Friday upon discovering their recently deceased grandmother, Harriet Douvry, had left her hot, young caretaker her cherished apple cobbler recipe. “This is obscene!…Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-06 17:30 |
 |
on (#66N9W)
Donald Trump’s real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#66N79)
WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.Read more...
|
 |
on (#66N42)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 14 games.Read more...
|
 |
on (#66N43)
Today, reporters and editors of The New York Times began a one-day strike, as negotiations between their union and management failed to reach an agreement. Here at America’s Finest News Source, we are committed to supporting our fellow journalists, and so The Onion has boldly and inadvertently locked ourselves out of…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66MH8)
EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services, a progressive citizen in the year 2180 vehemently argued against gender discrimination in the conscription practices of Nabisco’s corporate military. “It’s disgusting that when Nabisco seizes children…Read more...
|
|
on (#66M25)
Indonesia’s parliament has approved a new criminal code that bans anyone in the country from having extramarital sex, including tourists while visiting, with the law carrying a one-year jail term. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#66K9P)
Northeastern University in Boston faces criticism after students discovered heat-monitoring devices installed under their desks to secretly track desk usage without students’ knowledge or consent. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#66K7R)
PALM BEACH, FL—Calling into question whether he had the junk in the trunk necessary to lead the country, Donald Trump reportedly slammed President Joe Biden Wednesday as America’s most flat-assed president. “You won’t hear the media reporting on it, but it’s a total pancake,” said the former president, who lambasted…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66H39)
DALLAS—Following revelations of his appearance in a 1957 photograph among a mob of white students trying to block a Black student from entering an Arkansas high school, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones blasted the media Monday for trying to make segregation look bad. “This is a classic media smear job trying to demean…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66H19)
SAN DIEGO—Following a long day of conferences on potential rule changes and other league business, MLB owners reportedly held a separate meeting Monday for teams actually trying to win next season. “It’s a small group, but it’s nice to get together for a more intimate conversation among the teams that are actually…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66H1A)
AUSTIN, TX—Telling reporters the procedure could be available to the general public by the end of 2023, Elon Musk announced plans Monday to implant a Tesla inside a human brain in the next six months. “I am proud to share today just how much closer we are to the next step in the evolution of our species: having a…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66GYV)
FORT MYERS, FL—Catering to a niche community of singles looking for love, a new dating app for the over-50 crowd launched Monday that lets users filter matches solely on whether they’d stay if you got Parkinson’s disease. “ParkinsMatch makes it easier for aging singles to find ‘the one’ who won’t abandon them if they…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#66GRP)
NEW YORK—Raising fears that the yuletide would not be made gay, New York Mayor Eric Adams reportedly institutionalized the real Santa Claus on Monday, leaving the fate of Christmas uncertain. Under the new directive from the mayor’s office, Father Christmas was seized by New York City police officers, who noted in…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EKN)
WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only a week away from a nationwide catastrophe in which we would have been…Read more...
|
|
on (#66EKP)
New York City mayor Eric Adams directed police and emergency medical workers to take individuals who appear “mentally ill” into custody involuntarily for psychiatric evaluations. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EH7)
NEW YORK—In response to the rapper’s recent antisemitic comments during his appearance on conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars show, head-covering company Full-Faced Black Hood™ announced Friday it had ended its partnership with Ye, formerly known as Kanye West. “We have taken the decision to terminate Ye’s…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EH8)
BETHESDA, MD—Trying to learn more information about the team he recently decided to root for, new World Cup fan Brian Edman was frantically searching online Friday for any information he could find on the country of the United States. “This is my first time getting into the World Cup and I didn’t know who to root for,…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EH9)
Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers’ perspective. Amid ongoing criticism of how the media portrays violent acts by law enforcement, we’re sharing …Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EFB)
WASHINGTON—Saying the musician’s behavior in the past weeks had been a deep disappointment, far-right commentators criticized Kanye West on Friday for not using his platform to raise awareness of the many lesser-known Nazis. “Ye had a clear educational opportunity to shed light on forgotten figures from the…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66EFC)
After the renowned hip-hop artist praised Hitler and Nazis in an interview with Alex Jones, The Onion asked prominent conservatives how they felt about Ye’s appearance on Infowars.Read more...
|
 |
on (#66E9R)
ANN ARBOR, MI—With a twinkle of seasonal cheer in her eyes as she informs well-wishers of her estrangement from her closest relatives, area 34-year-old Lisa Vandersmith embraces the spirit of the holidays by telling complete strangers she doesn’t speak to her family, sources reported Friday. “Oh, yes, I hope you have…Read more...
|
 |
on (#66E9S)
MITCHELL, SD—After assuring his dinner companions at Blarney’s Sports Bar and Grill that he was more than capable of handling a little spice, area man Jared Perkins was overheard saying “It’s not too bad” as the hot sauce he was eating began to disintegrate his lower jaw. According to sources, the 29-year-old choked…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#66DZJ)
At least 50 of Twitter’s top 100 advertisers have left the platform since Elon Musk bought the social media site. The Onion asked prominent CEOs why their brands are no longer advertising on Twitter, and here’s what they said.Read more...
|
|
on (#66DZK)
Five members of the fair-right group Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, were found guilty of seditious conspiracy and other offenses in connection with the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#66DB6)
House Democrats chose caucus chair Hakeem Jeffries of New York to succeed Nancy Pelosi as leader of the Democrats in the chamber next year, a historic move that will make him the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#66D4R)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 13 games.Read more...
|
 |
on (#66CM8)
If you know someone who is for some reason afraid to sit for several hours in a thin metal tube traveling 35,000 feet above the ground, try to avoid saying these things.Read more...
|
 |
on (#66C0K)
AUSTIN, TX—Touting the feature as the perfect way to enjoy one’s fondest moments in the seconds before a fiery death, automaker Tesla rolled out an update Wednesday that displays pictures from the driver’s life on their dashboard just before the car explodes. “Our new Memories feature is our little way of…Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#66B9P)
Sometimes, it’s not so bad to work for the shitposter-in-chief. Here are the coolest things employees get who work for Elon Musk.Read more...
|
 |
|
on (#66A19)
Frontier Airlines is doing away with its customer service phone line in its latest cost-cutting measure, the company saying that most customers prefer communicating with service agents via digital channels like its website’s live chat or social media. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#664KS)
Traveling during this time of the year is always challenging. The Onion provides practical advice for how to tell your mom that you’re not coming home for the holidays.Read more...
|
|
on (#663ZM)
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office denied Mariah Carey’s application to trademark the moniker “Queen of Christmas,” which the singer hoped to use as branding for various products, after other artists who also claimed the title opposed it. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#663FS)
The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.Read more...
|
 |
on (#663AR)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Admitting she had never in her life used a product from her Fenty Beauty cosmetics line, Rihanna told reporters Tuesday that she just used whatever makeup was on sale at Walgreens. “Yeah, I just look for the yellow sale tags and throw whatever it is in my basket,” said the billionaire pop star, who…Read more...
|
 |
on (#663AS)
LANSING, MI—After waking from a nightmare and running down the hallway to their bedroom, local child Logan McMurray, 9, accidentally walked in on his parents failing to reignite the spark in their marriage, sources reported Tuesday. When the boy opened the door, his mother and father were said to be in the middle of…Read more...
|
|
on (#662W8)
Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the failed start-up Theranos, has been sentenced to 11.25 years for fraud after deceiving investors about the purported efficacy of her company’s blood-testing technology. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#662XX)
In a display of his visionary management style, Elon Musk sent out his rules for “insane productivity” to all Twitter employees. The Onion examines each of the edicts and how they’ll help improve the social media’s site’s efficiency and output.Read more...
|
 |
on (#662S4)
SAN FRANCISCO—Drawing widespread condemnation for failing to abide by industry standard practices, Twitter CEO Elon Musk courted criticism Monday for firing thousands of employees at once rather than spending decades grinding them down into unrecognizable husks of their former selves. “It’s absolutely appalling that…Read more...
|
 |
on (#662EY)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—In the hours following a violent rampage in Colorado in which a lone attacker killed at least five individuals and injured 25 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...
|
|
on (#66270)
A new study found that sperm counts and concentration are down all over the world, decreasing by 62% since the 1970s, with some researchers warning that humans could face a reproductive crisis if action is not taken to tackle the drop in male fertility. What do you think?Read more...
|