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on (#5PS35)
NEWARK, NJ—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University, the first 72 hours after a person is reported missing are crucial in determining whether or not their case will go viral. “Our study found that if a missing person case fails to garner media attention in the first three days of…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 06:15 |
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on (#5PS0R)
CHICAGO—All the people out there, living their lives, cut adrift amidst a sea of faces in which they cross paths but never quite connect, where are they going, a new report inquired Monday. “So many people, moving here and moving there, going about their days, eyes downcast as they make their way…where, exactly?” the…Read more...
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on (#5PRV7)
The British High Court has ruled that the will of Prince Philip will be sealed from the public for at least 90 years to protect the dignity of the Sovereign, keeping with a convention dating back to 1910. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PRV8)
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Unseen to all but the most trained observer, the veneer of the Johnsons’ perfect suburban life was reportedly just a facade concealing a pleasant family with several fun lawn games. According to sources, the Johnsons’ white picket fence, trimmed hedges, and pristine garage containing two shiny cars…Read more...
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on (#5PRSM)
HAGATNA, GUAM—Expressing relief that the effects of the climate crisis were perhaps not as dire as previously thought, the world’s leading marine ecologists announced Monday that rising sea levels over the past century were mostly caused by a clump of hair clogging the drain at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. “We…Read more...
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on (#5PRSK)
TORONTO—Casting doubt on the 35-year-old’s commitment to the franchise, so-called diehard Blue Jays fan Eric Tremblay wouldn’t even leap over a stadium railing to catch a T-shirt Sunday during the team’s series finale against the Twins. “Eric talks a big game about how this team is his life, but he wouldn’t even throw…Read more...
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on (#5PRQM)
You might want to erase your browser history, because nothing is a bigger turn-off than reading a list like this. Here are some obvious signs your partner isn’t sexually satisfied.
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on (#5PRN8)
VANCOUVER—Archaeologists from the University of British Columbia have announced new findings Monday revealing that Neolithic people took a couple of weekend trips to North America in order to get a feel for the new continent before committing to a migration across the Bering Strait land bridge. “Analysis of artifacts…Read more...
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on (#5PNEF)
Gene-editing technology CRISPR was in the spotlight this week after a biotech startup unveiled a mission to use it to resurrect wooly mammoths by 2027. The Onion provides a helpful guide to common questions about CRISPR.
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on (#5PJFG)
A team of scientists in New Zealand have started “potty training” calves in a process called “MooLoo training,” an experiment aimed at reducing soil and waterway contamination from cattle waste, which makes up half of agriculture-related ammonia emissions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PHPP)
ROME—Unearthing the earliest known instance of fans being completely fleeced, archeologists from the University of Milan announced Tuesday that they had discovered a buried concession stand at the colosseum that gouged ancient Romans 10 denarii for a small clay cup of wine. “There were prices well beyond what your…Read more...
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on (#5PHGK)
PORTLAND, ME—Questioning how far they would have to go to gain the man’s approval, members of area band Zachariah Flood, halfway through their second set at the Apohadion Theater, confirmed Tuesday they were really busting their asses to earn a local concertgoer’s head nod. “Damn it, I thought we had him with the…Read more...
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on (#5PH0Z)
Even such a simple reminder about addictive substances can send your friend spiraling into a relapse.
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on (#5PH0Y)
Facebook has partnered with Ray-Ban to create glasses called Ray-Ban Stories that can take photos, record video, answer phone calls and play podcasts, with a plan to introduce true augmented-reality spectacles in the future. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PDQ0)
WASHINGTON—As they reminisced 20 years later about a devastating and historic national tragedy, Americans reportedly took note Saturday of how the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks were the last time the country was able to put aside its differences and stand united in a bloody, homicidal thirst for vengeance. “Nowadays,…Read more...
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on (#5PCHM)
First lady Jill Biden has resumed teaching in-person writing and English classes at Northern Virginia Community College, the first first lady to leave the White House to log hours at a full-time job. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PB96)
A former Walmart executive has unveiled plans for a $400-billion futuristic desert metropolis called Telosa, which promises to be eco-friendly, drought-resistant, and accessible by 15-minute commute times within the city. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P9R1)
China has banned “effeminate” men on TV and ordered broadcasters to promote more “masculine” role models as part of a broader Communist Party campaign to tighten controls over society and enforce official morality. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P8V1)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing their dedication to informing readers about the current turmoil of the region, the media announced Tuesday that they would not stop covering Afghanistan unless President Biden happens to wear a scarf. “Of course, our goal right now is covering the abject failure of the Afghanistan withdrawal,…Read more...
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on (#5P8V2)
Members of the Sackler family who are at the center of the nation’s deadly opioid crisis have won sweeping immunity from opioid lawsuits linked to their privately owned company Purdue Pharma and its OxyContin medication as part of the company’s bankruptcy settlement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P4TY)
BERKELEY, CA—In a rare silver lining amid increasingly dire assessments of the climate crisis, optimistic researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, released a report Friday suggesting there was still time to head off environmental catastrophe before it started killing rich people. “Though rising sea…Read more...
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on (#5P3DV)
Bonnaroo organizers have announced that the music and arts festival, which was scheduled to take place this weekend in Tennessee, has been canceled, citing flooding from heavy rains. What do you think?Read more...
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Javy Báez Wishes He’d Found More Tactful Way To Express Desire For All Mets Fans To Eat Shit And Die
on (#5P0C6)
NEW YORK—Admitting that it was not the most clear way of communicating, Mets second baseman Javier Báez told reporters Tuesday he wishes he had found a more tactful way to tell Mets fans that they should eat shit and die. “Those thumbs down were childish and unproductive, and I should have simply spoken up to let fans…Read more...
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on (#5P050)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Making sure to use all the time they had remaining to leave the country with a strong national identity and political stability, the final U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan reportedly did some last-second nation-building Monday on the way to the plane as they completed their evacuation. “We were heading…Read more...
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on (#5P025)
Why should your relationship lack romance just because you can’t touch, feel, or experience your partner in the same room ever again? If you’re dating someone long-distance, here are the best ways to keep the spark.Read more...
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on (#5NZR0)
Washington State officials say that the first Asian giant hornet nest discovered this year, containing 1,500 invasive “murder hornets” that decapitate honeybees when they enter their “slaughtering phase,” has been destroyed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NZ22)
WASHINGTON—Justifying the attacks that reportedly killed 10 civilians in Kabul as “absolutely necessary,” a U.S. drone strike sent a tough message to 4-year-old Afghans not to mess with America, Pentagon sources confirmed Monday. “I will not mince words here—the United States is an unmatched power on the global stage,…Read more...
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on (#5NYYM)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a new report issued Monday by researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab, years of advances in virtual reality have brought users no closer to being able to make out with a digital interface resembling Abraham Lincoln. “While technology can now provide us with…Read more...
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on (#5NYY9)
SAN JOSE, CA—Touting the piece of technology as revolutionizing the legal industry, Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes reportedly arrived for the beginning of her trial for wire fraud Monday with a prototype for a black box that will prove her innocence. “Too often what we see in criminal cases like this is a rush to…Read more...
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on (#5NYWP)
TikTok has banned videos featuring the “milk crate challenge,” which showed users attempting to climb milk crates stacked in a pyramid, after many people were injured, explaining the platform “prohibits content that promotes or glorifies dangerous acts.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NYQ5)
Oof, gamers. Sorry if we’re a bit shaken up, but something pretty disturbing just happened. We were just hanging out, snacking on some pretzels, and daydreaming about some kind of Star Wars and Mario mash-up when our thoughts took a dark, dark turn. You see, everything was going fine until we suddenly began to imagine…Read more...
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on (#5NYQ6)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to aid unhoused service members, the Department of Veteran Affairs announced Monday a new initiative to help get homeless veterans into bigger tents. “It’s frankly disgusting that these men and women who nobly served their country are consigned to sleeping in a cramped pop-up where they barely…Read more...
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on (#5NVXM)
A new poll has found that 65% of U.S. employees are looking for a new job, nearly double the number surveyed in May, with workers citing wanting better pay, expanded benefits, or workplace flexibility as their top reasons. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NVTQ)
WASHINGTON—Striding briskly through the country’s backstage areas, the nation’s stage managers announced Friday that there were five minutes until places. “We’re on in five, folks,” said the theatrical production managers, wearing headsets and holding clipboards as they informed the nation’s cast members they should…Read more...
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on (#5NVQK)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Urging residents to stay in their homes and away from medical facilities, Governor Ron DeSantis locked down Florida Friday after the spread of Covid vaccinations got out of hand. “With inoculation numbers skyrocketing across the Sunshine State, I have been forced the take the extreme measure of locking…Read more...
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on (#5NVMK)
CHICAGO—Offering readers a nice little kickback in exchange for their assistance, a report released Friday promised that if you click on some ads around this article, The Onion would spit the loot 60/40. “We can confirm that your efforts to click on the advertisements around our website will generate profits for The…Read more...
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on (#5NVJ2)
Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.Read more...
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on (#5NV9K)
Erik Prince, the private military contractor and Blackwater founder who made billions off the United States’ wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, is planning to charge $6,500 per seat on a chartered evacuation flight out of Kabul. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NTAJ)
No applicant can be compelled to divulge information about themselves that could lead to them not getting hired.Read more...
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on (#5NT75)
CUDDEBACKVILLE, NY—Estimating that the rule change had been made at least five seasons ago, local fantasy football player Gregg Holiday revealed Thursday that he was way too deep into his fantasy league to ask what the acronym “PPR” stood for now. “I don’t know, man, I’ve always thought it was ‘play perception ratio,…Read more...
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