The Onion

LOUISVILLE, KY-In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a man who refused to give up a jar of mayonnaise. She just crushed his skull with a rock and [...]The post Grandma Who Survived Great Depression Casually Drops That She Once Killed Man For Mayonnaise appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKHOLM-In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing peace signs. For their profound advancements in astrophysics, we are pleased to honor this pair of smiling, neon green [...]The post Nobel Prize In Physics Awarded To Alien Giving Peace Sign Driving Tie-Dye VW Bug appeared first on The Onion.

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KANSAS CITY, MO-In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs' game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury. Folks, that was a big hit that Kelce clearly wasn't prepared for, and he's been down for several minutes-you can [...]The post Travis Kelce Suffers Film-Career-Beginning Injury appeared first on The Onion.

SPOKANE, WA-Saying anyone who could swing it would be doing him a huge solid," 38-year-old data entry clerk Darryl Bouchard reportedly asked his coworkers Monday if one of them could cover his weekend with his daughters. Hey, guys, sorry this is such short notice, but is there any chance somebody could pick up my custody [...]The post Coworker Asking If Anyone Can Cover His Weekend With Daughters appeared first on The Onion.

PORTLAND, OR-Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining options Monday by zooming in a little on Google Maps. Oh cool, it looks like there's a pretty good Thai place a few blocks over," said [...]The post Modern-Day Magellan Discovers New Dining Options By Zooming In A Little On Google Maps appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN DIEGO-Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to prevent loss [...]The post Scientists Let Defrosted Neanderthal Run Around Shrieking Before Refreezing Him appeared first on The Onion.

ASHEVILLE, NC-Saying he wished there was more he could do to help as he pointed out a clause that showed he didn't have to, a representative from an insurance company explained to local residents Stan and Loretta Coleman on Thursday that their policy was voided the moment their house got wet. Unfortunately, the coverage you [...]The post North Carolina Family Informed Their Insurance Policy Voided Once House Gets Wet appeared first on The Onion.

VALDOSTA, GA-Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by HurricaneHelene. Please, hurry, we don't have much time," a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing after [...]The post Heartbroken Trump Clutches Limp Campaign Lawn Sign Washed Away In Flood appeared first on The Onion.

CANTON, MA-Shining a light on the unsettling realities behind the foods we eat, a disturbing video shot by undercover activists and posted on YouTube Thursday reportedly shows workers at a Dunkin' hatchery disposing of male donuts in an industrial grinder. When a donut hatches at one of Dunkin's production facilities, a professional donut sexer quickly [...]The post Disturbing Video Shows Dunkin' Hatchery Workers Tossing Male Donuts Into Industrial Grinder appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Saying the effort could bring the Lord's message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. The church teaches that God's glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering [...]The post Vatican Dispatches Micro-Missionaries On First-Ever Trip To Convert Native Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, NJ-Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from agonizing hysteria," said Victoria Holmes, a spokesperson for Tylenol parent company Kenvue, adding that it was already the No. 1 doctor-recommended piece [...]The post Tylenol Introduces New Extra-Strength Fainting Couch For Feverish Women appeared first on The Onion.

An 81-year-old man will soon be sentenced in federal court after he pleaded guilty to creating an illegal hybrid sheep breed he called the Montana Mountain King," for the purpose of trophy hunting on his ranch. What do you think?The post Montana Man Faces Sentencing For Cloning Giant Sheep For Trophy Hunting appeared first on The Onion.

Throughout its venerable 268-year reign,The Onionhas always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution's highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country's long [...]The post The Onion' Officially Endorses Joe Biden For President appeared first on The Onion.

RICHARDSON, TX-In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant wives. Over the 9 months a woman carries a child, her body will change a lot, making it [...]The post Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife appeared first on The Onion.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA-Following the conclusion of her 18-month hiatus from music, pop star Sabrina Carpenter confirmed Wednesday that she had completed her mandatory South Korean military service. It was the honor of a lifetime to do my patriotic duty by serving in the Republic of Korea's armed forces, but I'm looking forward to my next [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Completes Mandatory Service In South Korean Military appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero idea what school the Colorado Buffaloes play for. Look, my job is to devote my full attention to making sure the offense puts points on the scoreboard and the defense [...]The post Deion Sanders Admits He Has No Idea What School Colorado Buffaloes Play For appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Cursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial break. Seriously? For what I paid for this thing, it should work flawlessly," said the billionaire investor, striding confidently past [...]The post Peter Thiel Rushes To Restart Glitching J.D. Vance During Commercial Break appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-During Tuesday's debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon," an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two eyes. Him there! I saw that man and his Chinese communist brethren intoning words from Das Kapital [...]The post J.D. Vance: I Saw Tim Walz Cavorting With The Ghost Of Karl Marx Beneath A Blood-Red Moon' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday's vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. There are hundreds of people from Haiti pouring across our border every day with the express purpose of provoking me into [...]The post J.D. Vance Claims Haitian Immigrants Coming Into This Country To Make Him Look Stupid appeared first on The Onion.

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A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think?The post Scientists Sequence DNA From 3,600-Year-Old Cheese appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Though the man is met with little more than polite smiles and indifferent nods as he brings his dog around from cubicle to cubicle, sources at Patterson Technologies confirmed Tuesday that employee Kyle Lutz thinks his 2-year-old terrier mix is the office's mascot. Everyone loves it when I bring Comet into work, and in [...]The post Man Thinks His Dog Is Office Mascot appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Sipping a fifth cup of coffee as the sun rose on the day of his big debate, Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz confirmed this morning he had stayed up all night making a shoe-box diorama of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Still needs a few finishing touches on the weather effects, but I [...]The post Tim Walz Stays Up All Night Making Shoe-Box Diorama Of Washington Crossing The Delaware appeared first on The Onion.

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TYLER, TX-Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. With the big game coming up, I'm putting in the hours on this tire and making sure I'm prepared to remove any metallic [...]The post High School Quarterback Using Tire Swing To Practice Putting Head Through CT Scanner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, Damn, that's crazy." So much water, dude," said administrator Deanne Criswell, who uploaded a YouTube compilation of flooding in the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida to the homepage of FEMA.gov [...]The post Damn, That's Crazy,' Announces FEMA In Statement appeared first on The Onion.

Following price hikes made at Netflix and Max earlier this year, Disney will be increasing subscription costs for Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+ beginning Oct. 17. The Onion shares tips for saving money on streaming.The post Tips For Cutting Back On Streaming Subscriptions appeared first on The Onion.

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SANTA CLARITA, CA-Staring down at the text message in horror andrealizing that he had been brilliantly outplayed, local man Jonathan Garner told reporters Monday that his friend had set an inescapable social trap by proposing three possible dates to hang out. Goddamn it, he got me-how am I supposed to get out of grabbing drinks [...]The post Friend Sets Inescapable Social Trap With 3 Possible Dates To Hang Out appeared first on The Onion.

ACTON, MA-Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. Look at those rubes just inching along like a funeral procession while this lane's zipping past 'em like the Indy 500," the report [...]The post Report: Cars In Other Lane All Suckers appeared first on The Onion.

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has been indicted on five federal charges related to bribery, wire fraud, conspiracy, and soliciting campaign contributions from foreign nationals, with the unsealed indictment alleging illegal actions stretching back to 2014 when he was Brooklyn Borough president. What do you think?The post Eric Adams Indicted On Federal Corruption Charges appeared first on The Onion.

SI RACHA, THAILAND-Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. I've sacrificed everything to get where I am-everything-but it will disappear in an instant if some plucky upstart [...]The post Moo Deng Worried Chubbier, Feistier Pygmy Hippo Coming To Take This All Away appeared first on The Onion.

The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients' faces look frozen. FACT: The majority of Botox patients can easily move their face around with the help of their fingers MYTH: Botox is painful. [...]The post Botox: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Admitting they had not been keeping up on recent news about the venerable British actress, PBS officials told reporters Friday that they already had a Maggie Smith-themed marathon planned for today. Yes, we have been receiving quite a few messages about our regularly scheduled Weekend Of Dame Maggie marathon," said PBS spokeswoman Sandra Ryan, [...]The post PBS Already Had Maggie Smith Marathon Scheduled For Today appeared first on The Onion.