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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1B)
The bride (tacky) and groom (cheapskate) had a fucking cash bar at their reception.The post Wendy Tomalin and Lee Epsley appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-24 16:34 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1A)
The post Skin of Omission appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J19)
The post I Don't Know How And It's Not My Event': Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J18)
The post Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGS)
The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000 jobs compared to 1.46 million in 2024. What do you think?The post U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGT)
WASHINGTON-Hailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,"said TurningPointCEO Erika Kirk, adding thatthe island would be known as Port Rick," a mistranslation of Puerto Rico" that [...]The post Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HDR)
The post Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HAS)
SAN FRANCISCO-Heralding what it called a bold new age" in warping the mind of the nation's elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-friendly text-to-video model that can create clips up to two minutes long [...]The post OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H76)
A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner akin to a child's make-believe tea party, concluding that the primate could imagine and track the nonexistent objects being manipulated. What do you think?The post Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H77)
WATERBURY, VT-Not wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a 90-second ad break to the fullest. There are so many drinks in the fridge and snacks in the pantry, and yet here I am just sitting on the sofa," the [...]The post Woman Worried She Not Living 90-Second Ad Break To The Fullest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H78)
Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trump's number one fan." The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss music, politics, and the controversy she's created. The Onion: During President Trump's first term, you criticized his administration's policy of separating families at the border. What changed? Minaj: My [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3S)
The post Luge Gold Medalist Probably Main Luge Guy Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3R)
Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth, gray eternity. $1,300,000. Reference #44439The post It's Gray Time! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73H3Q)
Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume.The post Robert Donahue appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73GMH)
The post Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete's Pocket On First Turn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73GC6)
Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think?The post Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5Y)
BOSTON-In a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams.At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and you should be able to wager however-and whenever-you want, even from deep REM sleep," CEO Jason Robins [...]The post DraftKings Introduces In-Dream Betting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5X)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Claiming there simply wasn't much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time.According to our research, macaws' striking plumage arose as a result of the New World parrots [...]The post Study Finds Macaws Evolved Vibrant Coloration To Pass The Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5W)
The severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating.The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73G5V)
The post Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FE2)
OWENSBORO, KY-Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was basically just lying there and letting gravity happen," local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn't be that difficult. Not to shit on these guys, but c'mon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, you've pretty much [...]The post I Could Totally Do That,' Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAX)
CHICAGO-Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism. Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual output of fantasy football [...]The post Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAW)
YARMOUTH, ME-As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board's biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. It's not even noon, and he's already being a huge prick to someone who just said they [...]The post Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAV)
The post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAT)
You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000...or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73FAS)
The post Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 Pounds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ET1)
WASHINGTON-Advising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple I'm sorry" could make all this go away. We're just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a sense of regret for the harm you [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple I'm Sorry' Could Make This All Go Away appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EQR)
The Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining certain chemicals, and perceived difficulty in detection. What do you think?The post Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have Increased appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EN4)
With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of global girl group" Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop music's influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, [...]The post All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFD)
The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of suicide by cop."The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFC)
STANFORD, CA-In a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on items [...]The post Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot Food appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFB)
WILMINGTON, DE-Expressing relief about his obliviousness to America's unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country. I devoted my entire life to safeguarding the ideals of democratic freedom and promoting liberty across this great land, and I cannot [...]The post Biden Grateful He's Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFA)
President Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE's highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan's background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids [...]The post Political Profile: Tom Homan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EF9)
The post Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E5F)
The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4B)
BOISE, ID-Crying out Dios mio!" and Ayudame!" as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar's EoO," millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny's Super Bowl LX halftime performance. Oh, what a crock-load of mierda-que?-que esta pasando?" said local 43-year-old Randy [...]The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (Dios Mio!' Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4C)
The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2V)
The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E30)
The post Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Z)
The post Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Y)
The post Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2X)
The post Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2W)
The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73D95)
VAL DI FIEMME,ITALY-Calling it a relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling" that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women's 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along thesidelines. Ayyy, bella, how 'bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh?" said one of the hundreds of local men stationed [...]The post Women's Cross-Country Skiing MarredByCatcalling Italian MenOnSidelines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZN)
WASHINGTON-Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend's Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. I can put up with pandering to international markets when it's some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of [...]The post Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZP)
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant's treatment of white employees. What do you think?The post Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZQ)
WASHINGTON-Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you [...]The post TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXR)
The post Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXS)
MILAN-Casting a mournful pall over the procession making its way through the foothills and dusty roads of northern Italy, thousands of wailing, black-shawl-clad Italian women were seen following the Olympic torch this week in the run-up to the 2026 Winter Games. The women, wearing dark head coverings and clutching religious icons that bore the image [...]The post Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CVG)
LOS ANGELES-Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. Sometimes I look back and fear I'll never be able to come up with anything that schlocky ever again," said [...]The post Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him appeared first on The Onion.
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