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on (#6MM7B)
CHICAGO-Dismissing concerns that funds were being mismanaged, the Chicago Police Department vigorously defended its decision this week to buy an entire fleet of 1967 Ferraris. We will use these babies to keep the community safe, and we will look badass while doing so," said Chicago Police Superintendent Larry...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 02:01 |
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on (#6MM7C)
DAYTON, OH-Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis's draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email-penned by your lifelong foe-is CC'd to your friends, your relatives, and...Read more...
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on (#6MM7D)
LOS ANGELES-Kicking down the unlocked classroom door after listlessly wandering around campus, bored riot cops reportedly broke up a calculus course at the University of California, Los Angeles, on Tuesday. Hey guys, look-there's some students in there," said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Thomas Larkins, who led...Read more...
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on (#6MKRZ)
JERUSALEM-Following its ban of the Qatar-based news outlet's operations in the country, Israel accused Al Jazeera Monday of being a mouthpiece for journalism. It is clear from its continuous, 24-hour coverage of the war in Gaza that Al Jazeera is working on behalf of journalistic principles," Prime Minister Benjamin...Read more...
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Inconsolable Anna Wintour Changes Met Gala Theme To ‘Looking Like Shit’ After Waking Up Feeling Ugly
on (#6MKS0)
NEW YORK-Throwing another outfit across the room with an emphatic sob, an inconsolable Anna Wintour reportedly changed tonight's Met Gala theme to Looking Like Shit" after waking up feeling ugly. Sorry for the last-minute change, everyone, but the theme is now Being An Ugly Piece Of Shit' to accommodate me feeling...Read more...
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on (#6MKRE)
TORONTO-In a stunning twist to the feud between the two hip-hop artists, Drake reportedly dropped a new track Monday inviting Kendrick Lamar out to coffee so they could clear things up. The truth is, Kendrick, I think you're a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?" Drake raps in his new single titled I Miss You,...Read more...
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on (#6MKRF)
NEW YORK-Describing the newborn's stint in a neonatal intensive care unit as a brief, blissful period during which she was still beyond the reach of marketers, sources confirmed Monday that her 17 days in an incubator would be the longest period of her life in which premature baby Rosalyn Williams was not exposed to...Read more...
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on (#6MKDS)
SAN DIEGO-Repeatedly questioning how anyone in this city made a living when all they did was hang out and waste their time and money, local dad Keith Dearborn reportedly spent his entire vacation asking how this many people were out at coffee shops on a weekday. I don't get it. It's 12 p.m. on a Wednesday, and this...Read more...
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on (#6MKBY)
Unit contains resident who leaves out fresh roast chickens and keeps jug of milk in fridge. Take and eat whatever you want-they can't stop you!Read more...
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on (#6MKBZ)
WASHINGTON-Showing wide-ranging approval across all demographic groups regardless of political affiliation, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Monday that the majority of U.S. citizens want immigration reform that includes making up new last names for people again. Our data show that most Americans do...Read more...
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on (#6MKC0)
Rakus, a wild Orangutan being observed in Indonesia, was seen using a medicinal plant called Akar Kuning, which is used throughout Southeast Asia to treat pain and inflammation, to heal a facial wound, chewing the leaves and applying them to the injury like a bandage. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MJ3T)
ACEH, INDONESIA-Watching in awe as the wild animal applied the medicinal product to the top of his head, primate researchers were reportedly stunned Friday after witnessing an orangutan use Rogaine to fix a bald spot. This is the first known case of any wild animal using an over-the-counter hair loss treatment...Read more...
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on (#6MHXQ)
WASHINGTON-His cell phone ringing and causing a huge distraction right as their piece began, the nation reported feeling embarrassed and devastated Friday after President Joe Biden answered a business call during their big recital. We spent weeks practicing for the spring piano recital, and he missed our whole...Read more...
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on (#6MHXR)
NEW YORK-With multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriend's whole face in his mouth. Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth,...Read more...
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on (#6MHPN)
Fujikawaguchiko, a town in Japan known for its clear view of Mount Fuji, has begun constructing a large black screen to obstruct that view in an effort to ward off tourists, saying that the town has become overrun with people blocking traffic, littering, and trespassing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MHPP)
LEAWOOD, KS-Urging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long they've dated. Hi baby, I know you don't know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you very...Read more...
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on (#6MH88)
As part of a promotion for its new Icons" category of rental properties, Airbnb recreated the floating house from the movie Up, which the company claims is a fully functional property that guests can stay in while airborne. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MG7R)
AUSTIN, TX-In the latest round of layoffs for the company's struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical...Read more...
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on (#6MFYX)
SACRAMENTO, CA-In a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, so...Read more...
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on (#6MF1E)
LOS ANGELES-In a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them...Read more...
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on (#6MF1F)
GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZ-Awestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. Shh, kids, quiet-we don't want to scare him off," said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took...Read more...
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on (#6MF1G)
INDIO, CA-Saying it was time to build upon the music and arts festival's two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festival's potential, we've decided to add...Read more...
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on (#6MEB6)
FINDLAY, OH-Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. If we don't have morning-after pills in...Read more...
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on (#6ME2C)
WASHINGTON-Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from...Read more...
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on (#6ME2D)
NEW YORK-Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children's TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to...Read more...
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on (#6ME2E)
In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MCF9)
The Transportation Department issued a new rule requiring airlines provide customers with automatic cash refunds in the event of flight cancellations or significant delays, saving passengers a projected $500 million in the next year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MCFA)
NEW GLARUS, WI-Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen's at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, I'm happy knowing what these dirty blond...Read more...
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on (#6MCC5)
CHICAGO-Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pig's daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever...Read more...
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on (#6MC6P)
This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else's garage so you won't have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents.Read more...
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on (#6MC6Q)
WICHITA, KS-Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn't removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that he's all...Read more...
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on (#6MBSB)
Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America's Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is...Read more...
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on (#6MBM3)
Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians were killed." The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism.Read more...
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on (#6MB7C)
PHILADELPHIA-Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979's Rocky II. God, the part where Rocky's training right-handed instead of southpaw-oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits...Read more...
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on (#6MB6S)
SAN JOSE, CA-Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk...Read more...
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on (#6MB56)
The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MB57)
The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths of time, in their employees' contracts, in an effort to increase wages and competition. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MB58)
OLATHE, KS-Assuaging a client's concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert's erection hitting an air duct. In an old house...Read more...
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on (#6MB59)
LINCOLN, NE-Warning that crime among the nation's youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa...Read more...
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on (#6MARE)
Following the arrest of 100 Columbia University students, dozens more pro-Palestinian protests have sprung up across the country, even as the school year winds to a close. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MA9A)
MIDDLETOWN, OH-Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My God-ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas-does anyone else know about this?" said one source, marveling over...Read more...
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on (#6MA9B)
PARADISE, NV-Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band's four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere's visuals than a projection of the group's website URL. Given what a...Read more...
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on (#6MA8H)
VATICAN-Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff's appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter's Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy...Read more...
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on (#6MA6Q)
Nike came under fire recently after its women's uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the men's. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MA6R)
Being his sexual plaything doesn't seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day!Read more...
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on (#6MA6S)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Conceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration...Read more...
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on (#6MA6T)
TAOS, NM-Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, I've certainly had enough of those," the 35-year-old said to himself,...Read more...
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