The Onion

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and lifting her body together on the count of three.The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion.

So many musicians were hired for this pair's lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.The post Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold appeared first on The Onion.

For those who know what crenellated" means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that good stuff. Reference #49308The post Crenellated Aesthetic appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that rabbits were still somehow managing to get beneath the Octagon fence.We've tried everything-chicken wire, garlic spray, motion-triggered sprinklers-but the little bastards just keep scratching their way under there," said White, [...]The post Dana White Can't Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Dismissing the swashbuckling sci-fi romp as a total hoax" amid growing scrutiny over his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump made remarks Tuesday denying that he had written a 36-volume comic titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles. Obtained last month by the House committee investigating the late financier and child sex trafficker, the Time [...]The post Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles' appeared first on The Onion.

BROCKTON, MA-Acknowledging that he doesn't get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn't make it any less true, the father of local resident Eric Flores reportedly called him Thursday night just to say he loves King Crimson.Hey, champ, I wanted to drop you a line to tell you that I [...]The post Dad CallingJust To Say He Loves King Crimson appeared first on The Onion.

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President Trump's remodeling of the White House continues, which so far has included the demolition of the East Wing to add an expensive ballroom and outfitting his ensuite bathroom with premium Italian marble. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the renovations. 3: Chandeliers in the situation room $500 million: Funding from wealthy [...]The post Trump's White House Renovations By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

GUILFORD, CT-Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. Are you sure Grandma can support the baby's head with [...]The post Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn appeared first on The Onion.

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin' all sorts of trouble. I'd be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do things where you're from, 'round here we have our own way of dealin' with criminals, and that's [...]The post Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But 'Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber's severed head.It could be nothing, but it's a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no?" said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that [...]The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin's Severed Head appeared first on The Onion.

EVANSTON, IL-After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had suddenly started acting cagey about what she was going to order.Hello, Earth to Sarah, we asked you what you're getting," said local woman Sydney Garner, 32, locking eyes with her [...]The post Friend Being Cagey About What She's Going To Order appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Struggling to explain the recent development during a polite conversation at her neighbor's house, local woman Sarah Walker reportedly tried Tuesday to find a nonpolitical way to explain that her cleaner had been deported. Maria will no longer be coming by to tidy up on Wednesdays because of everything going on right now," Walker said [...]The post Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a move that has drawn widespread praise, billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott reportedly donated $80 million Tuesday to rebootLiving Single. It's inspiring and refreshing to see an ally who's not just talking the talk, but walking the walk," said Living Single fan Melanie Parker, who noted that the need for the reboot of the [...]The post MacKenzie Scott Donates $80 Million To Reboot Living Single' <HW> appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that he had fired the nation's sitting piss czar. During a White House press conference, Kennedy explained that he had decided to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over [...]The post RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Accusing the pair of a severe breach of contract, TLC filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the stars of 1000-lb Sisters for losing too much weight.We are asking both Tammy and Amy Slaton to return to their original sizes immediately," said TLC spokesperson Richard Lemmers, who alleged that the reality series stars had conspired [...]The post TLC Sues 1000-Lb Sisters' For Losing Weight appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-In response to what his lawyers characterized as a reckless and defamatory misrepresentation" of the beloved '90s sitcom about a small-town vicar and her eccentric parishioners, President Donald Trump threatened to sue the British Broadcasting Corporation on Monday for an allegedly misleading edit ofThe Vicar Of Dibley. Given that the BBC has chosen to deliberately [...]The post Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of The Vicar Of Dibley' appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded that practicing kung fu naked in the mirror was the best indicator of being a domestic terrorist.Our research determined that performing precision Shaolin kung fu while nude before a living [...]The post Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to count your fucking days." EPA officials confirmed plans to roll back dozens of environmental protections for the vulnerable insect population, vowing to introduce new standards for decimating monarch habitats and saying [...]The post EPA To Monarch Butterflies: Count Your Fucking Days' appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO-Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning.Listen, I don't know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I've got a real doozy [...]The post Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today appeared first on The Onion.

FOXBOROUGH, MA-Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. Looking back, we should've probably checked to make sure he'd played Division [...]The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter appeared first on The Onion.

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing. Save time by having a clear idea of what kind of old shit you're looking for. Arrive in a van or truck large enough to fit 30-plus paintings of pale children picking flowers. Double-check [...]The post Tips For Antiquing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to just go with their gut." You've done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts [...]The post Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut appeared first on The Onion.

CORVALLIS, OR-As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. I've been procrastinating on these for months because I just don't want to deal with them, and now I've [...]The post Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up appeared first on The Onion.

CRAWFORD, TX-Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, Shut up, Mother! Shut up!" at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly [...]The post Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!' Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit appeared first on The Onion.

More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program's new work requirements, which go into effect after next year's midterm elections. MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work. FACT: Whatever. MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot. FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth [...]The post Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.The post Hannah Pike appeared first on The Onion.

It's Dad's weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887The post Dad's House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Reaffirming the Trump administration's promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem stated at a press conference Thursday that daycare workers have walked freely in this country for far too long. Time and time again, we have allowed these people to watch [...]The post DHS: Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long' appeared first on The Onion.

Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims being made about Mamdani. Claim: Mamdani is a nepo baby. True: Mamdani is the eldest son of Bill de Blasio and Ed Koch. Claim: Mamdani will destroy New York City. [...]The post Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Passing the Democrat-backed initiative with a resounding 60% of the vote, Californians overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure this week to redraw the cartoon character Garfield. The people of California have spoken, and they want their funny pages to have an obese orange tabby cat who reflects the character design sensibilities our Founding Fathers stood [...]The post Californians Approve Measure To Redraw Garfield' appeared first on The Onion.

Ever feel like you have a special connection" with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier [...]The post I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships appeared first on The Onion.

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI-In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto.It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended [...]The post All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they'll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.The post Carl Brooks and Evan Perth appeared first on The Onion.

Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment's prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines the pros and cons of a third Trump term. PRO Newly awakened coma patients will always know who the president isCheaper than putting [...]The post Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he'd seen. Aaron's always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday imposing an additional 25% tariff on authorized Trump products made in China. According to the White House, the new tariff makes good on the president's long-running [...]The post Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products appeared first on The Onion.

BROOKLINE, MA-Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron's 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time.I'm not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when [...]The post Uber Driver Seemingly Watching Titanic' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance's house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873The post Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money appeared first on The Onion.

Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.

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