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by The Onion Staff on (#719CM)
Ever feel like you have a special connection" with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier [...]The post I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-03-22 02:47 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CK)
BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI-In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto.It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended [...]The post All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CJ)
The post Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#719CH)
The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they'll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.The post Carl Brooks and Evan Perth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S4)
A Kentucky woman who was expecting a delivery of medicine instead mistakenly received a box containing severed human hands and fingers that were meant for surgical training use. What do you think?The post Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S5)
Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment's prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines the pros and cons of a third Trump term. PRO Newly awakened coma patients will always know who the president isCheaper than putting [...]The post Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S6)
PITTSBURGH-Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he'd seen. Aaron's always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718S7)
New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think?The post New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G6)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday imposing an additional 25% tariff on authorized Trump products made in China. According to the White House, the new tariff makes good on the president's long-running [...]The post Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G5)
BROOKLINE, MA-Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron's 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time.I'm not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when [...]The post Uber Driver Seemingly Watching Titanic' For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G4)
This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance's house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873The post Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#718G3)
Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7185T)
The post Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717JA)
LONDON-Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare," said the disgraced [...]The post Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J9)
LEAWOOD, KS-Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiance, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. Babe, what's that?" said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to [...]The post Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J8)
ATLANTA-As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease. Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below [...]The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J7)
WASHINGTON-Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on the ceiling of the Executive Residence.What on earth is that clicking sound? Oh my God, ahhhhhh!" Ovares screamed in terror, dropping a vase she had been dusting [...]The post White HouseMaid Shrieks After SpottingMelaniaOn Ceiling appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J6)
The post Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J5)
Opposites attract, and that's never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.The post Regina Lundell and Mark Francis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J4)
The post Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7173W)
A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?The post Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71724)
The post Mike Johnson: My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71725)
CHICAGO-His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. Oh God, send for backup-there's, like, 30 under [...]The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71703)
The post Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71704)
Eighty-year-old Betty Kellenberger, without realizing it, became the oldest person to complete the Appalachian Trail, pushing through injuries and weather challenges to finish the full 2,197-mile hike. What do you think?The post 80-Year-Old Becomes Oldest Woman To Hike Appalachian Trail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TY)
The post Over the River Into the 'Hood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V4)
NEW YORK-Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up [...]The post NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V3)
WASHINGTON-With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had returned. Bystanders first spotted the churning, amorphous black fog at 2:37 p.m., when it arose from the shadows and crept toward small towns and cornfields in the Midwest. From there, [...]The post Breaking: The Darkness Returns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V2)
LOS ANGELES-Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word Ghoul" on.It only took him two weeks to write, but it's incredible-it's an entire fleshed-out world," said an insider source, who confirmed that [...]The post Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote Ghoul' On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V1)
LONG BEACH, CA-Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.I've got to get in and get out without anyone noticing," said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to [...]The post Vasectomy Hot-Wired appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V0)
The post Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TZ)
Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350The post Pizza's Been Delivered Here Before appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716F9)
The post Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People's Hands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715DG)
Elon Musk launched Grokipedia, a crowdsourced online encyclopedia developed by his company xAI, as a direct competitor to Wikipedia, although users report many articles are seemingly adapted straight from Wikipedia. What do you think?The post Elon Musk Launches Grokipedia To Compete With Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BK)
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau's rumored romance has taken the internet by storm. The Onion sat down with the celebrity couple to discuss their fledgling relationship. The Onion : So how did you two meet? Perry: Lauren Sanchez paired us off as part of Jeff Bezos' plan to breed a higher race of humans. The Onion : [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BM)
The post ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same Military Commando' Halloween Costume appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BN)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In an effort to console the team's star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. Hey, you got lucky-just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch [...]The post Cam Skattebo Assured He'll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BP)
LONDON-In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process [...]The post Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7155Z)
The post Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71560)
WASHINGTON-Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a sketchy dealer" in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary," Kennedy said while gesturing to the [...]The post RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153P)
MILWAUKEE-Expressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theater's all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this week alongside dozens of other failures. It's cool that they don't just focus on the old stuff-there's a nice mix of '80s and '90s cult classics and even some international [...]The post 24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153N)
The post Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153M)
The post Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148V)
The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714PT)
Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think?The post Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714JC)
SEOUL-In a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11 U.S. soybeans. I am extremely honored that President Xi has authorized China to begin the purchase of this unprecedented amount of American-grown soybeans-not merely nine or 10 beans, but 11 [...]The post China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FM)
CHICAGO-Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica Ashe reportedly asked their freshly ICE-detained nanny, Maria Gutierrez, if she'd still be free to watch their kids on Friday. Hey, Maria! We know you have a lot on your [...]The post Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She's Still Free To Watch Kids Friday appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FN)
The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out Operation Midway Blitz" since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Chicago immigration raids. $50,000: Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way 260: Agents with Celtic knot tattoos 8: Pitch sessions before they finally landed on Operation Midway Blitz" [...]The post Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148W)
DES MOINES, IOWA-Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he's had an affinity for cords from a very young age. For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety [...]The post IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age appeared first on The Onion.
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