The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren't for the woke mob," DC fans reportedly flocked to social media Friday to blast the dog from Supergirlas not even hot. It's hard to believe anyone finds this attractive," wrote 25-year-old Evan Marsh in response to a photo [...]The post DC Fans Claim Dog From Supergirl' Not Even Hot appeared first on The Onion.

FLUSHING, NY-Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. I'm [...]The post All Mets Fan Asking For Is One Fucking Season Where Team Wins Every Single Game appeared first on The Onion.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.The post A Sneak Peek At Taylor Swift's Wedding appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK CITY-Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God's rune of punishment. After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked [...]The post Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God's Rune Of Punishment appeared first on The Onion.

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Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here's everything you need to know about the Republican candidate. Angle Of Smirk: 34 degrees Signature Style: Rushing to put belt back on Campaign Slogan: Come Alone With Small, Unmarked Bills" Position On [...]The post Political Profile: Ken Paxton appeared first on The Onion.

The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do you think?The post World's Oldest Soccer Ball On Display In Miami appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Explaining why the company could no longer release Artificial as previously planned, Amazon MGM Studios head Mike Hopkins told director Luca Guadagnino on Thursday that he didn't realize the film would be so pro-art. I had no idea you'd be promoting creativity to such an extent," said Hopkins, who noted that he'd made the [...]The post Amazon Executive Tells Luca Guadagnino He Didn't Realize Film Would Be So Pro-Art appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to alert parents to the potentially dangerous consequences of playing the highly anticipated game,critics warned Thursday thatGrand Theft Auto VI could inspire impressionable teens to live in Florida. This game glamorizes life in Florida to such an outrageous extent that it's easy to see how young minds could be fooled into thinking [...]The post Critics Warn GTA VI' Could Inspire Impressionable Teens To Live In Florida appeared first on The Onion.

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Supergirl, starring Milly Alcock, opens this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is the premise? A: A female superhero must single-handedly save the world as she knows it after the catastrophic collapse of interest in the genre. Q: Is Superman in this one? A: Why? You don't [...]The post What To Know About Supergirl' appeared first on The Onion.

HANNIBAL, MO-Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. In our commitment to improving the world's physique, we must take what is rightfully ours," said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, [...]The post Imperialist Planet Fitness Declares Annexed GameStop Part Of Judgement Free Zone appeared first on The Onion.

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MILWAUKEE-Following his blockbuster trade to the Miami Heat, former Milwaukee Bucks superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo took out a full-page ad in The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Wednesday thanking Bucks fans for not eating him during his 13 seasons with the franchise. To the people of Milwaukee, please know that I will be forever grateful that you looked [...]The post Giannis Antetokounmpo Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Bucks Fans For Not Eating Him appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Enticing fans with the promise of the franchise's most dangerous stunt yet, a new trailer for Jackass: Best And Last released Wednesday showed an aging Johnny Knoxville trying to climb a staircase without a handrail. Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing?" said the 55-year-old Knoxville, who was seen in the footage shrugging [...]The post New Jackass' Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail appeared first on The Onion.

RACINE, WI-Vowing that the new product line was the ideal way to make termites and beetles suffer for all eternity, household chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson announced Wednesday that its insecticide brand Raid would be unveiling a new immortality spray that curses insects to watch everyone they love die. With Raid Immortality Spray, bugs will no [...]The post New Raid Immortality Spray Curses Insects To Watch Everyone They Love Die appeared first on The Onion.

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MIAMI-Whispering a final goodbye to a wallet photo of his wife and two young daughters, beer delivery driver Marcus Dailey jumped down from the cab of his semi truck Wednesday and pointed a trembling shotgun as a crowd of Scottish soccer fans closed in. Back! I'm warning you! Get back right now!" saidDailey, nestling the [...]The post Beer Delivery Driver Points Trembling Shotgun As Crowd Of Scottish Soccer Fans Close In appeared first on The Onion.

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Restaurants and bars catering to World Cup visitors have struggled with foreign tourists leaving without tipping, with many travelers confused by or unaware of the American practice. What do you think?The post World Cup Tourists Fail To Leave Tips appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Calling the update a major breakthrough for players who enjoy new-ball smell, Wilson Sporting Goods officials unveiled a new line of tennis balls Tuesday that contain even more smell. We know tennis fans love that bright chemical fragrance, so we dipped these balls in as much smell as they could physically absorb," said Wilson spokesperson [...]The post Wilson Unveils Tennis Balls With Even More Smell appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Imploring their colleagues across the aisle to be mindful of how the highly charged language might elevate national tensions, congressional Republicans urged Democrats Tuesday to tone down the rhetoric they used to quote President Donald Trump verbatim. Temperatures are running high, and the last thing we need are hotheaded Democrats spewing hateful, inflammatory statements sourced [...]The post GOP Urges Democrats To Tone Down Rhetoric Used To Quote President Verbatim appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a desperate attempt to lower the production budget, director James Cameron confirmed Tuesday that the next Avatar film would be set entirely in a Pandora studio apartment. Look, you can't always get a blank check to do all the motion capture and underwater sets that you want, so I decided that the next [...]The post James Cameron To Lower Costs By Setting Next Avatar' Entirely In Pandora Studio Apartment appeared first on The Onion.

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The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a [...]The post Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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CHAMPAIGN, IL-Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John's. Our exhaustive survey of over 12,000 regular Jimmy John's [...]The post Study Contends Free Will Disproven By Fact That Humans Repeatedly Eat At Jimmy John's appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass [...]The post U.K. Weighs Social Media Ban Of Everyone Except Old Men Who Grow Big Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

As the NBA continues to weigh potential reforms, The Onion asked players across the league what changes they would make if they had Adam Silver's job for 24 hours.The post NBA Players Share The One Thing They'd Change About The League If They Were Commissioner For A Day appeared first on The Onion.

PENSACOLA, FL-Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie's hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the [...]The post Mom Takes Hushed Monologue In Movie As Cue To Go To Kitchen, Wash 5 Pots appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. Watch, I'll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences," said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her [...]The post Lea Michele Shows Off Ability To Make Co-Star Cry On Command appeared first on The Onion.

SAN JOSE, CA-Grimacing as he delved deeper into the article, local man Carter Lee reportedly found himself souring on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on Monday after reading the Controversies" section of the militant group's Wikipedia page. Holy shit-ISIS does what to unbelievers?" said Lee, recoiling in horror as he viewed a blurred-out [...]The post Man Souring On ISIS After Reading Controversies' Section Of Militant Group's Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald's officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace. Grimace will never ask you for your credit card number, social security card, or blood type, so please do not follow any dubious links no [...]The post McDonald's Warns Corporate Employees To Beware Emails From Sender Purporting To Be Grimace appeared first on The Onion.

After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago's Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives. Here, The Onion explores the key facts and figures behind the iconic new attraction. 300 Hidden Michelles' for eagle-eyed visitors to [...]The post The Obama Presidential Center By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to jumpstart the manufacture of munitions, an attempt to replenish weapon stockpiles that have been severely depleted in America's war with Iran. What do you think?The post Trump Invokes Defense Production Act To Boost Weapons Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.

A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here's everything you need to know about the parasitic pest. Q: What is our government doing about screwworm? A: They are currently negotiating with the highest-ranking screwworm representatives. Q: Is this why my burger costs $25? A: No, that's because [...]The post What To Know About Screwworm appeared first on The Onion.

EVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE-Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun carousels, President Donald Trump warned the G7 summit this week that the U.S. will no longer protect them from the threat of the serial killer Jigsaw. We asked you all for support, and you didn't listen, [...]The post Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw appeared first on The Onion.

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