The Onion

Over 1,000 major Hollywood power players such as Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams, Jane Fonda, and Sopranos creator David Chase signed an open letter opposing Paramount's proposed merger with Warner Bros., claiming it will result in fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences." What do you [...]The post Hollywood Stars Pen Open Letter Opposing Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago's sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong.Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having [...]The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion.

DULUTH, MN-Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream come true to have all her children back home, a reunion made possible only by the merciless and punishing economic conditions that have stripped an entire generation of [...]The post Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom's Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the move the logical next phase in the league's continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history.We've seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we're planning on [...]The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion.

Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739The post Wretches Welcome appeared first on The Onion.

Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse.The post Tanya Brown appeared first on The Onion.

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VILLENA, SPAIN-Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. All you need to [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place," said agency [...]The post FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens appeared first on The Onion.

WABASH, IN-Emphasizing that her son's young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited [...]The post 12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military's highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed.These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield," said [...]The post Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit appeared first on The Onion.

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The bride and groom's golden retriever served as their ring bearer, which was a real fuck-you to their two young children.The post Peyton Boudouris and Brandon Trusler appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with an unclear adversary Monday by posting an AI video of himself fucking a basketball. The president is clearly enraged at somebody, but the clip provides far too little context to know who exactly is meant to [...]The post Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Following reports that a 20-year-old man had been arrested for throwing a Moltov cocktail at Sam Altman's home, the suspect stated Monday that he only initiated the attack because he was following a ChatGPT recipe for risotto.I've been using ChatGPT to help with cooking for a while now, so I didn't think too much [...]The post Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman's Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had finalized a long-anticipated trade deal with Pedotopia. Despite years of tension between the two leaders, Trump smiled and gave a thumbs-up as he shook hands with Prime Minister [...]The post U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, IL-As the landmark bipartisan legislation passed into law Thursday, Illinois became the first state in the union to mandate paid haircut leave while an employee's new bob grows out.Effective immediately, every employer in Illinois will be required to provide two weeks of compensated time off for workers who thought a blunt, chin-length haircut might [...]The post Illinois Becomes First State To Require Haircut Leave While Bob Grows Out appeared first on The Onion.

This would've been a great place to raise a family, but instead a wealthy couple will collect egregious amounts of passive income from bachelorette parties. Reference #32487The post Never Mind, It's An Airbnb Now appeared first on The Onion.

A class of medications called GLP-1s have skyrocketed in popularity recently for their effectiveness in reducing body mass. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding these weight-loss drugs. MYTH: GLP-1s are only prescribed for diabetes. FACT: GLP-1s have many applications, from aiding in addiction recovery to making your stepsister jealous. MYTH: The long-term effects [...]The post GLP-1s: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

Eligible men in the United States will be registered into the military draft pool automatically by December, a measure slipped into last year's annual defense policy bill that will replace the previous self-registration process. What do you think?The post Automatic U.S. Military Draft Registration To Begin By December appeared first on The Onion.

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AUGUSTA, GA-Saluting the illustrious sportscasters for their passionate work over the course of nearly 40 years in the Augusta National Golf Club broadcast booth, CBS officials announced Sunday that longtime commentators Captain Cooter and the Gooch would be retiring upon conclusion of the 2026 Masters Tournament. Today marks the end of an era as we [...]The post CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. Let me clear: While I have deep ties to a certain affluent individual and secret societies involved in pedophilia, I never once sexually harmed children [...]The post Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANSELMO, CA-Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee's success,Star Warscreator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. Hey man, I know it's been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I'm really proud [...]The post George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn't believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. It's honestly insane-you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, [...]The post MLB Rookie Still Can't Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free appeared first on The Onion.

More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. PRO Phone finally gets some alone time Get to give full attention to jumbotron screen Brings back thousands of professional bootlegger jobs Plenty of other ways to make not-invited friend feel excluded Need both hands for Nintendo [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts appeared first on The Onion.

INDIO, CA-Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly rushed overly lucid 23-year-old Zach Hillman into an emergency psychedelics tent Friday. Thank God for the good Samaritans who alerted us as soon as they noticed him standing up straight and [...]The post Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation's women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that it's yours."Our little blessing is due in October," the chorus of approximately 78 million women of reproductive age said in perfect unison, each gently placing a [...]The post Nation's Women: We're Pregnant!' appeared first on The Onion.

Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.The post Gideon Spencer appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-BTS appeared Thursday in an unconventionally tense episode of the YouTube series Hot Wings during which host Sean Evans was reportedly forced to beg members of the boy band to stop dancing and just try the damn wings." Boys, please!" said Evans, raising his voice and clapping his hands in a futile effort to [...]The post Hot Ones' Host Begs BTS To Stop Dancing And Try Wings appeared first on The Onion.

A Caribbean Airlines passenger went into labor while traveling to New York from Jamaica, giving birth as the flight was in its final descent to JFK Airport. What do you think?The post Passenger Gives Birth Mid-Flight appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to call attention to a potentially life-threatening hazard, the State Department issued a travel warning Thursday for all women considering taking a vacation with their husbands. While we aren't yet expressly banning women from traveling with their husbands, we're emphatically urging them to use extreme caution if they feel they must take [...]The post State Department Issues Travel Warning For Women Vacationing With Husbands appeared first on The Onion.

Following their historic moon flyby, the Artemis II crew will return to Earth on Friday. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the lunar mission. 15 mph Speed limit in moon zone 49 million Fewer streams than a British guy playing League Of Legends 4 Times mission specialist Jeremy Hansen has suggested [...]The post NASA's Artemis II Mission By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After manually prying his eyelids open to read from a report he had prepared on the matter, a badly swollen Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a speech Tuesday in which he warned that Americans were not eating enough bees.In our survey of American dietary habits, we were alarmed to find that the vast majority of [...]The post Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees appeared first on The Onion.

DOVER, WI-In an incident local residents have described as more-or-less tolerable, authorities announced Friday that only two were dead in what many were calling a completely bearable tragedy.We're all still searching for words to talk about this loss-but the first that occurred to me were small' and understandable,'" said Dover Police Chief Andrew McDonagh, who [...]The post Only 2 Dead In Bearable Tragedy appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby's issued a statement Tuesday reclassifying its food as entertainment.Whether it's our Classic Beef 'N Cheddar, our Chicken Cordon Bleu, or our famous Jamocha Shake, the menu items at Arby's are not meant to be [...]The post Arby's Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.

Friends and family of the betrothed traveled from near and far to learn there are no Ubers in Fair Grove, MO.The post Jean McCarthy and Allison Foster appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an announcement that left fans of the 2006 original buzzing with excitement, The Devil Wears Prada 2 director David Frankel confirmed Wednesday that actor Adrien Grenier would make a cameo in the film as a corpse on the street. We're so pleased to have not just Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep back, but [...]The post The Devil Wears Prada 2' Director Confirms Adrian Grenier Cameo As Corpse On Street appeared first on The Onion.