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by The Onion Staff on (#75PZQ)
WASHINGTON-Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. I'm calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me," said Trump, acknowledging that he [...]The post Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-21 22:35 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PZR)
HEATH, TX-Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal told reporters Tuesday that even he was surprised to learn he was the new spokesman for DivaCup. Really don't remember signing up for this one-I remember Icy Hot, the General, JCPenney, and Muscle Milk, but not [...]The post Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He's The New Spokesman For DivaCup appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PZS)
The post JD Vance Disavows Trump's Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable Genius appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PQH)
NEW YORK-Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their return from the IRS for funding their dream sandwich. Rather than spend that money right away, what would happen if you set it aside as an investment in the sandwich of [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PQG)
EDMOND, OK-Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem,local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday thatherrespect for longtime friend Darci Strouse had plummeted after reading a book Strouse enthusiastically recommended. She said she's read thisfuckingbookadozentimes and that it had a huge influence on who she is [...]The post Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PQF)
Tensions between mainland China and Taiwan remain volatile, with significant geopolitical implications in the region and abroad. The Onion looks back at China's history with the contested island. 8,000 B.C. Taiwan decides it needs a little space and disconnects from the Chinese mainland. 1662 Violent clash over who has to talk to the Dutch. 1887 [...]The post Timeline Of China-Taiwan Relations appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75PQE)
Emails revealed that FBI Director Kash Patel went on a VIP snorkel" excursion around the sunken Pearl Harbor battleship USS Arizona during an official trip to Hawaii last year, with the agency emphasizing that the outing was not meant as a vacation. What do you think?The post Kash Patel Goes Snorkeling At Pearl Harbor Memorial appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75NP8)
The post Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75NP7)
The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think?The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75NA6)
DENVER-In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly [...]The post Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75N50)
A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think?The post Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MZV)
The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale. While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything. If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to [...]The post Tips For Supporting Public Media appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MZT)
HENDERSON, NV-Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the world's horrific news stories they were discussing. According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak [...]The post Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MZS)
The post What's Our Health Insurance Denying? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MZR)
Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party.The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MGG)
President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed not even a little bit," insisting his only concern was preventing the Middle East nation from procuring a nuclear weapon. What do you think?The post Trump: Americans' Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75ME4)
The post Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75MBX)
Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is it about? A: An opposites attract" relationship between two college students who are different kinds of hot. Q: Where is it set? A: Confusingly, on campus. [...]The post What To Know About Off Campus' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75M44)
FORT WAYNE, IN-Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew Riley confided to reporters Wednesday that he was horrified to find himself seeking community online. Riley, a 33-year-old account manager who last summer joined an internet forum for wristwatch enthusiasts, [...]The post Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75M43)
Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of the Republican Party. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss his views on faith, the Trump administration's goals, and his future ambitions. The Onion: Mr. Vice President, [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75M42)
UKIAH, CA-Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed over to the sidelines of an ongoing youth soccer game Saturday afternoon to demand that the coach play his unathletic son less. Josh has been on the field for 20 [...]The post Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75M41)
Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell: The civil union brings Blackwell's lifetime dating record to 3-14-1.The post Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75KQ0)
NEW YORK-In an effort to focus on the incredible array of bathing suits featured in its pages, Sports Illustrated announced Wednesday that it would be removing all the distracting models from the magazine's swimsuit edition. It has come to our attention that the buxom women we usually feature in our swimsuit issues have been inadvertently [...]The post Sports Illustrated' Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75KJA)
The State Department has begun revoking passports of parents who owe a significant amount in unpaid child support, beginning with those owing $100,000 or more. What do you think?The post U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75KJB)
Passengers aboard the cruise ship at the epicenter of a deadly hantavirus outbreak have returned to their home countries, where they will be quarantined and monitored. What do you think?The post Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9M)
LANGLEY, VA-In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central Intelligence Agency came under fire Friday for arming a group of rowdy 7-year-olds in the town of Heronburg, OH.Last I checked, the American people were never consulted about whether they wanted [...]The post CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9K)
The post Stagehand Rushes Out To Bring Bruno Mars Different Pelvis For Slow Song appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9J)
Look, we all know how most people live their lives these days, so let's not beat around the bush and pretend you need a nice home for entertaining and shit like that. Reference #538518The post Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9H)
Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well.The post Susan Westbrook appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JV2)
BOSTON-In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time MVP's brother. We understand it would be difficult for Giannis to leave Thanasis and Alex behind in Milwaukee, but we want him to know his beloved brother Payton is already right [...]The post Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGY)
LOS ANGELES-Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first [...]The post Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGX)
CHICAGO-Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange Sidewalk Closed" sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her hands and saying, But this [...]The post Sidewalk Closed' Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGW)
The post Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGV)
The post Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGT)
Every time I turn on the news, there's something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding in practically every corner of the country. Things outside the U.S. aren't much prettier. Famine, war, poverty, terrorism. When did things get so hard? When did we become so divided? Basically [...]The post Just When I Thought The World Couldn't Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGS)
Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn.The post Ben Landau and William Roth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75J1W)
WASHINGTON-Calling it a shocking attack on our nation's cultural heritage, critics slammed President Donald Trump Monday for his decision to replace the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool's original coconut flavor with blue raspberry. For more than a century, a statue of Abraham Lincoln has gazed out over the reflecting pool that bears his name and that [...]The post Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool's Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HY1)
The post Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HY2)
Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: What are the symptoms of hantavirus? A: It starts with feeling stressed out about the state of the world. Q: Who is at the highest [...]The post What To Know About Hantavirus appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HVZ)
The post Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ5)
NEW YORK-In an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday that additional dates for her wedding had been added in Los Angeles, Miami, and Boston. I'm so excited to bring this special night to as many people as possible," said Swift, who has reportedly booked 300-seat [...]The post Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ4)
WASHINGTON-Authorities in the nation's capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House. Investigators were called to the scene after a groundskeeper performing routine landscaping around the North Lawn's fountain noticed a [...]The post Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ3)
SCOTTSDALE, AZ-Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night's game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, [...]The post Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ2)
The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothee Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ1)
Your Doppelganger's House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a thing. Reference #83057The post Your Doppelganger's House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ0)
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the birth of a baby girl in an Instagram post, saying her new daughter Viviana was perfect and healthy." What do you think?The post Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GX0)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday. We honestly have no idea how he got [...]The post WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD4)
A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein's cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think?The post Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD5)
The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion.
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