 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73CN2)
God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him.The post Gina Russo and Ben Jackson appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-08 09:03 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73C6C)
The Washington Post announced sweeping layoffs amid declining revenue and backlash against the way owner Jeff Bezos has managed the company, with sports coverage, international, metro and the paper's podcast being hit hardest. What do you think?The post Washington Post' Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73C44)
WASHINGTON-Pledging to provide her with spectacles, a curled-up tie, and whatever else she needed to do a great job, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be appointingLara Trump as the next Dilbert. My daughter-in-law Lara is just fantastic, so we're gonna make her Dilbert from now on," the president said unprompted to reporters [...]The post Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73C45)
WASHINGTON-Saying the millions of documents had restored a pleasure they lost long ago, Americans nationwide said Thursday that the recently released trove of emails connected with disgraced financier and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had reignited their love of reading. I didn't realize how much I missed the simple joy of losing myself in words until these [...]The post Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation's Love Of Reading appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73C14)
WASHINGTON-Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. It's been months since we started, and I still haven't seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling [...]The post Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BYB)
Moltbook, a Reddit-style social network where AI agents communicate exclusively amongst themselves without the need for humans, has taken the tech world by storm, with as many as 1.5 millions bots using the service to chat about the work they're doing and the problems they've solved. What do you think?The post New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTY)
PALO ALTO, CA-Hailing the new product as a game changer" in the development of large language models, Silicon Valley insiders confirmed Tuesday that an AI chatbot that only responds huh" had been valued at $200 billion.The new HmmAI chatbot is like nothing we've seen before, able to answer huh' to text and image-based inputs with [...]The post AI Chatbot That Only Responds Huh' Valued At $200 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTX)
The post It's My Hand': Muppets Puppeteer On How He Brings Kermit To Life appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTW)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Revealing that he was prepared to become a martyr for the popular cartoon dog from Australia, local 3-year-old Owen Fulks announced this week that he was more than willing to die for Bluey.It would be the greatest honor to lay down my life for Bluey," said Fulks, pledging his eternal allegiance to the [...]The post 3-Year-Old Willing To Die For Bluey appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTV)
LOS ANGELES-Sparking rumors about the pair's relationship as she stepped out with the new piece of eye-catching jewelry, media personality Kylie Jenner was photographed Friday wearing an amulet that reportedly contained an imprisoned Timothee Chalamet.It's official-Timothee's soul has been sealed inside that glowing pendant around her neck," said an insider source, who hinted that the [...]The post Kylie Jenner Photographed Wearing Amulet Containing Imprisoned Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTT)
Oh! Margo McQueen, 63, died. You knew that, right? Like, eight months ago. There was a memorial. Your father went. Said her sister's really gone off the deep end with the Botox.The post Margo McQueen appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTS)
In compliance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act, the Justice Department has released more than 3 million documents related to the late child sex offender's prosecution. The Onion shares the biggest revelations. Jeffrey Epstein signed all his emails The Infamous Pedophile Jeff" Digital cameras always have that nostalgic feel Little Saint James gets kind of [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The Epstein Files appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73BTR)
This three-bedroom home on a tree-lined street has a roof with all the pointy parts you'd hope to have in a roof. No level surface up here! It's all slopes and slants that lead to various points. Reference #64300The post A Roof With All The Points appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#73B9X)
The Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy's decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook was used as a tool for anti-China political manipulation." What do you think?The post China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73B9Y)
The post Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73B1C)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content,Lord Of The Ringsreader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn't believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. Don't get me wrong-I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thing, but I'm on the third book, and they [...]The post Lord Of The Rings' Reader Can't Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73B1D)
The post Inhuman Resources appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73B1E)
PHOENIX-In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. We're excited to finally be able to offer our customers an [...]The post U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73B1F)
RUTHERFORD, NJ-Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age," said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when [...]The post Pet Iguana Assumed He'd Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73AXW)
Look, I get it. I'm a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I'm the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I'm definitely no one's idea of Hercules, it'd be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That's because what I lack in [...]The post What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73AXV)
WASHINGTON-In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ's benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who [...]The post RFK Jr. QuestionsEfficacyOf Skin appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73AXT)
CHARLOTTE, NC-Describing the woman's imagined scenario of workplace valor as both cringeworthy" and profoundly sad," office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb's fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb-who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either socially or through her work in her four years [...]The post Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73AXS)
The post Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A55)
WASHINGTON-Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. The insidious liberal bias in music, movies, literature, and television is just the tip of the iceberg," said Nashville, TN, resident Drew Cardona, one [...]The post Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1S)
LOS ANGELES-As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. Wow, yikes, he's really laying into [...]The post Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks Bronny appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1R)
CHICAGO-Saying he couldn't remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had hit the jackpot" when he realized that because his wife [...]The post ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1Q)
Defense Secretary Pete Hegeth's time overseeing the nation's largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far. The Onion: Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1P)
The post Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1N)
The post New Manning Begins Budding From Archie's Back appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1M)
The happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones.The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73A1K)
Priced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#739KQ)
Starbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn't properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think?The post Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#739KR)
The post Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering Jesus Christ' Over And Over appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#739D6)
WASHINGTON-Insisting theterminatedworker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wiltonhad been fired fortellingVice President JD Vanceabout an upcomingSuper Bowl party. It's difficult to imagine how this employee believed it was acceptable to revealdetailsof the West WingSuper Bowl partyto Vance despite being [...]The post White House Aide Fired After Telling JD VanceAboutSuper Bowl Party appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#739D7)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it's so meaningful to see stories like [...]The post Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New Game Of Thrones' Show appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#739D8)
HOUSTON-Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. Sure, I don't have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but [...]The post Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#739AH)
The post Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7394B)
The Onion asked K-pop's biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words.The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#7394A)
WASHINGTON-As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president's physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and asserted that [...]The post White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A Hologram appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73949)
WASHINGTON-In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance.The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the forbidden...DOJ is proud to unveil its new signature Jeffrey Epstein fragrance, Crave by Jeff," Attorney General Pam Bondi said at [...]The post DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein Fragrance appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73948)
Mark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#73947)
Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For Teens appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#738QX)
Poor ticket sales for Melania Trump's documentary Melania have led to rescue efforts by the GOP that include buying out theater seats to mask the film's box office struggles, though many are reportedly still uninterested in attending screenings even when tickets are offered for free. What do you think?The post Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737WF)
The post Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737QV)
The post LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On Bench appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#737MC)
TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word Epstein" in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737JA)
The post New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through Awooga appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737JB)
WASHINGTON-In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one's ass across carpet. Doctors won't tell you this, but you don't need medication for a tapeworm-all you need is [...]The post RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737JC)
The post AMC Unveils The Moment' Commemorative Poppers Bucket appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#737JD)
The post Trump On Prosecution Of Journalists: Bring Me The Tapper' appeared first on The Onion.
|