The Onion

Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrol's primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think?The post 30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken appeared first on The Onion.

The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think?The post U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Addressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. I want to say that it was absolutely a misstep to let Harris get a word in edgewise during our interview," said [...]The post Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year I've already put on all my extra weight for the holidays," said Butcher, who added that looking for [...]The post Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Claiming he had the most beautiful and perfect" cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurementsfrom his latest phrenology exam. According to my doctor and everyone at the Boston Phrenological Society, my incredible scalp morphology and brain [...]The post Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Offering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris Wednesday to prove she was moving forward by handing her a baseball bat and wheeling out a caged President Biden. [...]The post Bret Baier Asks Harris To Prove She Moving Forward By Handing Her Baseball Bat, Wheeling Out Caged Biden appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world's Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. It's just been so long since I could take a few days to myself without worrying [...]The post Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of World's Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone appeared first on The Onion.

Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as medieval" and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think?The post Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy appeared first on The Onion.

DORADO, PUERTO RICO-In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. If Prime is consumed as recommended, there's no reason that an ordinary 450-pound 8-year-old who's nearly 10 feet tall should experience [...]The post Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Outlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. We're moving full steam ahead with Operation Ivanka,'" said Trump, who credited his policy advisors with working around-the-clock for months to discover the loophole [...]The post Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter appeared first on The Onion.

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Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Ava's family members request that she come down from her room and set the table for dinner.The post Ava Barden appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversation about Stargate SG-1. It's like every time I try to ask Doug how he really feels about Colonel O'Neill [...]The post Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch Stargate SG-1' Than Have Honest Conversation About Stargate SG-1' appeared first on The Onion.

PROVIDENCE, RI-Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun and ordered everybody to get on the fucking ground, but truth be told, I'm still feeling [...]The post Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades' Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN's list of toughest arenas to play in this week. Situated in the newly redeveloped sports and entertainment district on the banks of the [...]The post Hades' Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In appeared first on The Onion.

Rumor has it the wedding cost $60,000. $60,000! Can you believe that? That's two Honda Accords.The post Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion's newly relaunched print edition. In an internal memo sent to the paper's 5,800 employees, publisher A.G. Sulzberger [...]The post New York Times' To Cease Publication appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Issuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davis' commentary. Adding a 30-second clock to cut down on Joe's long, rambling commentary is, frankly, a long overdue improvement that will help [...]The post MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davis' Commentary appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids.We really love this city and have had some of the best nights of our lives here, but we decided it was time to prioritize what's [...]The post Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids appeared first on The Onion.

An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had significant blood alcohol content" during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the DoubleTree when the aircraft hit the top floor and burst into flames. What do you think?The post Helicopter Pilot Who Crashed Into Hotel Revealed To Be Drunk appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. Concerned visitors reported seeing the 26-year-old silverback resting his head on his hairy fist as he stared down at the [...]The post Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading Wuthering Heights' appeared first on The Onion.

Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nation's youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations before them, Gen Z seems to prefer a good economy to a lousy [...]The post What Issues Are Most Important To Gen Z Voters? appeared first on The Onion.

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Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by these devastating storms. What do you think?The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To Hurricane Relief Efforts appeared first on The Onion.

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5 million: Cost of poll showing rural voters leaning red 14: Homeless people that could be [...]The post 2024 Election Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victims and suffocates them in their sleep. The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 To Open Evil Tomb Of Batibat appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTANBURG, SC-Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it has become clear to all of us that we have to side with neither of them," said [...]The post Neither Ex Keeps Friends After Breakup appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago's residents. Back home, we don't have anything this massive, you know?" said Jensen, who had to back up several yards just to fit the entirety of the Chicago [...]The post Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents appeared first on The Onion.

A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think?The post Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit appeared first on The Onion.

IRVINE, CA-Despite the fast food chain's self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. We're stumped-we can't think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment," said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product [...]The post Taco Bell Announces It's Plumb Out Of Ideas For New Places To Put Beef appeared first on The Onion.

Conspiracy theorists have taken to social media amidst a devastating hurricane season to promote false rumors that officials control the weather, with some claiming that Helene was an engineered storm to allow corporations to mine regional lithium deposits. What do you think?The post Conspiracy Theorists Claim Hurricanes Man-Made appeared first on The Onion.

Francis Ford Coppola's decades-in-the-making, self-financed epic Megalopolis flopped at the box office, earning only $4 million opening weekend despite the Godfather director spending $120 million of his own money. What do you think?The post Francis Ford Coppola's Megalopolis' Flops appeared first on The Onion.

MANCHESTER, NH-Blasting the individual for barely shuffling hisgoddamnfeet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn't doingshitto help move the thing.Why do I have to put in all the work while this fucking freeloader gets off easy?" said Hodges, adding that this [...]The post Other Guy In Revolving Door Not Doing Shit To Help Move This Thing appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading Davenport, IA" as if it wasn't glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer Botanical Park. Yeah, no shit we're in Davenport, IA-do they really think I need that spelled out for [...]The post Movie Chyron Reads Davenport, IA' As If It Not Glaringly Obvious Establishing Shot Is Of Vander Veer Botanical Park appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty [...]The post Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt appeared first on The Onion.

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RICHMOND, VA-In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family's group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. My phone was blowing up every 10 [...]The post Mom Spends 15 Minutes Hearting Every Message From Last 5 Days Of Family Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. Oh jeez, if I'd known the guy's apartment was this close, I never would've leaned on the horn and run all those [...]The post Ambulance Driver Pretty Embarrassed She Did All That Just To Go Three Blocks appeared first on The Onion.

LOUISVILLE, KY-In a wide-ranging conversation about the hardships and difficult choices her family had faced during the Great Depression, local grandmother Mary Sipple casually mentioned Tuesday that in August 1937 she took the life of a man who refused to give up a jar of mayonnaise. She just crushed his skull with a rock and [...]The post Grandma Who Survived Great Depression Casually Drops That She Once Killed Man For Mayonnaise appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKHOLM-In a ceremony at the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, the Nobel Committee reportedly awarded their annual prize in physics Tuesday to Zoomer and Zorbit, two aliens commonly seen driving a tie-dye Volkswagen bug while flashing peace signs. For their profound advancements in astrophysics, we are pleased to honor this pair of smiling, neon green [...]The post Nobel Prize In Physics Awarded To Alien Giving Peace Sign Driving Tie-Dye VW Bug appeared first on The Onion.

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KANSAS CITY, MO-In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs' game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury. Folks, that was a big hit that Kelce clearly wasn't prepared for, and he's been down for several minutes-you can [...]The post Travis Kelce Suffers Film-Career-Beginning Injury appeared first on The Onion.