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by The Onion Staff on (#72T25)
The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-11 07:18 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SWF)
WASHINGTON-Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year's midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official ICE kills everyone" agenda for 2026. In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure [...]The post GOP Adds ICE Kills Everyone' Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SSQ)
SEATTLE-In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they're looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area's racial homogeneity.Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on [...]The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SSP)
MILWAUKEE-After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child's blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop.Great job, buddy-just like a balloon, right?" Cerney said as he used his [...]The post Child's Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream Shop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SSN)
The post RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SSM)
Due to a hospital room mix-up, Keith Belden, 71, died peacefully surrounded by friends and family of Maurice Simpkins, 81.The post Keith Belden appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72S80)
WASHINGTON-Asserting that the images were 100% authentic," the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. TheAmerican people deserve to know that the central bank is led by a total slut," Attorney General Pam Bondi said of the photo, promising that more sexually explicit images of Powell [...]The post DOJ Releases Jerome Powell Deepfake Nudes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72S5C)
BASTROP, TX-In a trend that raises serious questions about consent on the social media platform, rising numbers of X users have been asking the Grok chatbot to put more clothes on pictures of Elon Musk, sources confirmed Monday. We live in an age when all a user needs to do to generate a fully clothed [...]The post X Users Ask Grok To Put More Clothes On Elon Musk Pictures appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72S5D)
The post Kristi Noem On Renee Good Murder: We Will Find The Immigrant Who Did This' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72S2C)
Hockey romance Heated Rivalry has been renewed for Season 2. The Onion sat down with breakout stars Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams to discuss the hit series. The Onion: How did you prepare for your roles? Storrie: I worked with a kissing coach eight hours a day for weeks to make it look believable. Williams: [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With The Stars Of Heated Rivalry' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72S2D)
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, one of the nation's oldest newspapers with roots dating back to 1786, will cease all operations after years of financial losses and labor disputes, with the closure leaving a major local news void. What do you think?The post One Of Nation's Oldest Newspapers Shutters After Almost 240 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RW7)
ITHACA, NY-Revealing the bird species has the capacity to detect botox, fillers, and even laser hair removal, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Avian Biology found that crows are able to recognize faces that have had work done.It's clear from observational data that crows have a keen ability to not only detect, but [...]The post Study Finds Crows Able To Recognize Faces Had Work Done appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RW6)
WASHINGTON-Calling the discovery the clearest proof yet" of how the U.S. government was originally designed to function, archaeologists published new evidence Thursday that suggests the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., may have once been used for legislating. In their academic paper, the researchers wrote that the sprawling, 540-room marble complex contained conclusive proof that a [...]The post Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RW5)
MILL VALLEY, CA-Having proudly removed the piece of shriveled penile flesh from its bag and laid it next to her large selection of craft supplies, local mother Emily Taylor spent the afternoon scrapbooking her son's foreskin, wincing sources reported Tuesday.According to witnesses, the foreskin, which had belonged to her 6-day-old infant son before being snipped [...]The post Foreskin Scrapbooked appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RW4)
This charming property offers the perfect blend of comfort and convenience, which is exactly why it's going to be purchased by the world's largest asset manager. Good luck! Maybe they'll rent it to you. Reference #68370The post You're Bidding Against Blackstone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RW3)
The post In Tents Situation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72RA8)
The post Ref Under Uprights Sheepishly Waits To Do Good' Sign Until Other Ref Does It First appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72R0C)
CHICAGO-Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday's pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, [...]The post Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72QD6)
The post We'll Take It From Here, Boys,' Says Kash Patel To Confused Minneapolis Mail Carrier appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72QB0)
WASHINGTON-Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the worst of the worst," the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met [...]The post DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Q7S)
The post JD Vance Claims Renee Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Q7T)
White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump's hard-line policies, including a zero tolerance" immigration system, the Muslim ban, and, most recently, threats to annex Greenland. The Onion sat down with the America First" policymaker to discuss his time in the administration. The Onion: How do [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Q24)
WASHINGTON-Saying the sumptuous gift should slake the administration's thirst for the next few months, Fox News sent President Donald Trump its quarterly tithe of three blond anchors, White House sources confirmed Friday. We have traveled south to the White House steps to present you with these three Kayleighs," said Fox Corporation CEO Lachlan Murdoch, who [...]The post Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Q23)
WALPOLE, NH-Revealing that the series would force Americans to rethink everything they thought they knew about the cute little fuzzball," filmmaker Ken Burns announced Friday the release of Mr. Biscuits, a 10-part documentary about the cat he adopted from a local animal shelter. For decades, I thought The Civil War would stand as my most [...]The post Ken Burns Announces New 10-Part Mr. Biscuits' Documentary After Adopting Cat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Q22)
The Trump administration's strikes on Venezuela are part of a long history of American involvement in the region. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. interventions in Latin America. 500 B.C. So far so good. 1899 The United Fruit Company begins its noble quest to spread the love of healthy eating throughout Latin [...]The post Timeline Of U.S. Interventions In Latin America appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72PMQ)
The United Kingdom banned junk food advertisements on television before 9 p.m. and at any time online, part of a drive to tackle childhood obesity. What do you think?The post U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72PHY)
President Donald Trump has made a number of claims about the future of Venezuela since U.S. special forces raided the country and captured President Nicolas Maduro and his wife. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's statements. Claim: The U.S. attacked Venezuela for its oil. Partially True: Also for bloodlust. Claim: Venezuela stole oil [...]The post Fact-Checking The Trump Administration On Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72PF6)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Minneapolis resident Renee Good as she drove away from him was fully justified," Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned Thursday that any action taken by Americans would be treated as domestic terrorism. Make no mistake: Anything and everything Americans do, from the second [...]The post DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72PF7)
The post Kristi Noem Calls Fatal Minneapolis Shooting Cathartic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72PBW)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that most people only get a fraction of the benefits the nutritional gold mine" has to offer, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued new dietary guidelines this week encouraging Americans to drink anything that comes out of a cow. While milk is already an established part of many American diets, it's really only [...]The post RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72NEA)
The Trump administration sharply cut the U.S. childhood vaccine schedule from 17 to 11 recommended shots, with health experts warning that changes were made without an adequate review and will only confuse parents and clinicians. What do you think?The post CDC Scales Back Child Vaccine Schedule appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72NAS)
INDIANAPOLIS-Dusting off the kinetic sand from his hands as he walked with his head held high toward the exit, 34-year-old area man Benjamin Schrock reportedly told visitors and staff of Discovery Zone Children's Museum on Tuesday that he knows when he's not welcome. I've been around the block, but never in my adult life have [...]The post Area Man Knows When He Not Welcome In Children's Museum appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72NAR)
WASHINGTON-Cutting off a top security advisor mid-speech as he eagerly posed his question, President Donald Trump reportedly interrupted a briefing Tuesday to ask officials from the National Intelligence Council whether God was real. So what do we know about Him? Are there any photos?" said a quizzical Trump, adding that he brought the matter up [...]The post Trump Asks National Intelligence Point-Blank If God Real appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72NAQ)
WASHINGTON-Saying the changes would empower Americans to make more informed decisions about their family's health, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that he had scaled back the department's childhood mortality schedule. For too long, the U.S. government has imposed strict and unnecessary guidelines about whether or not our nation's children [...]The post RFK Jr. Scales Back Childhood Mortality Schedule appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72NAP)
The post Study Finds Increased Demand Among Gen Z For Non-Alcoholic Fathers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MQ5)
The post Trump Spotted Wearing Paper Sign Reading The President' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MQ6)
Energy company stocks and the price of crude oil surged after the United States captured Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, with Trump claiming U.S. oil companies would participate in rebuilding the South American country's energy infrastructure. What do you think?The post Oil Stocks Rise After U.S. Capture Of Maduro appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MQ7)
HOUSTON-Calling the executive's demeanor unnervingly jovial," company sources confirmed Tuesday that Chevron CEO Mike Wirth sure was in a good mood this week. Man, normally that guy is a first-rate asshole, so something must be up," said an anonymous employee, who noted that the typically stone-faced executive had pulled into his reserved parking spot that [...]The post Chevron CEO Sure In Good Mood This Week appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MMC)
The post Apple Photos Reminds Man He Was Nude In Capitol Building 5 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MMD)
WASHINGTON-As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again? Where the hell is Pence?" said Morris, tucking a noose under his [...]The post Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike Pence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MD8)
The post Steph Curry Finally Finishes Eating Mouthguard appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MD9)
The post Mark Kelly Punished With Expulsion To Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MDA)
WASHINGTON-Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. After analysis of HD 101581 b's atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting [...]The post NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain Rocks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72MAD)
LONDON-Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. In America they use salt, and they have sauces other than malt vinegar and brown!" Rowe said to growing throngs [...]The post British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72KQ8)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, PresidentDonald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I'll be married to Mrs. Maduro," Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly [...]The post Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro's Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72KMF)
DANBURY, CT-Emphasizing the local parish's dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary's Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. Times are tough right now, but we want divorcees and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast [...]The post Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72KH8)
The post Congress: If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72KH9)
SANTA FE, NM-A set of billowing curtains signaling that they had arrived moments too late, staff from Penguin Random House reportedly broke down George R.R. Martin's door Monday as the writer escaped through a bathroom window. George, George, come back-we don't want to hurt you! We just want to talk!" said executive editor Anne Groell,who [...]The post Publishers Break Down Door As George R.R. Martin Escapes Through Bathroom Window appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72KHA)
The post Nicolas Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession appeared first on The Onion.
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