The Onion

WASHINGTON, UT-As he described a massive backlog of murders that continued to stump the agency he leads, desperate FBI director Kash Patel reportedly asked the family of alleged Charlie Kirk assassin Tyler Robinson on Monday if they could solve any other cases. You showed a real knack for catching criminals when you identified your son [...]The post Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter's Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Describing the practice as vital to player development," researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial-when a coach removes his [...]The post Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches appeared first on The Onion.

DENTON, TX-In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks through the process of being murdered. During the emergency call, received at 12:07 a.m. after a [...]The post 911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered appeared first on The Onion.

The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.The post Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, TX-Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team's dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday's game that their uniforms have their names on the back. Wait...so the millions of people watching on national television can [...]The post Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Fulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week officially renaming the White House refrigerator the U.S. Department of Ham. When Thomas Jefferson had the first ice house installed in 1801, the name Department of Ham [...]The post Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham appeared first on The Onion.

Sombr, the artist behind hits Undressed" and Back To Friends," won his first ever award at the 2025 MTV VMAs on Sunday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Liminal space Age: However old Sufjan Stevens' Illinois feels to you Genre: Alt-horny Hairstyle: The Muammar Gaddafi VMA Received: Most Recent [...]The post Artist Profile: Sombr appeared first on The Onion.

DESTIN, FL-In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing.Some people just have no forethought, no discipline," said Ellen Hoekstra, the family's 48-year-old matriarch, who watched from her seat on a [...]The post Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing appeared first on The Onion.

RACINE, WI-Saying the new product attacks and intimidates pests right where they live," popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday.Our complete doxxing system brings insect eradication into the 21st century by revealing the exact locations of termite mounds and ant colonies, a practice that encourages anonymous individuals on the internet to [...]The post Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit appeared first on The Onion.

Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months.The post Freida Meeks appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Alarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD Vance was the last thing Utah needed right now. We're already going through a lot, but to add JD Vance on top of everything else?" said one Utah resident, who [...]The post Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

OREM, UT-As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus. When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was [...]The post Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus appeared first on The Onion.

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Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending troops to the city. PRO They get to see where The Good Wife took place Troops barely go to go anywhere last administration Sends strong [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Promising a dark, brooding romance,"Wuthering Heightsdirector Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a faithful adaptation ofTwilight.When you take on a classic, people are understandably going to have strong feelings, but trust me on this-you're going to love it," said Fennell, who stressed that the upcoming film was practically a scene [...]The post Emerald Fennell Assures Fans Wuthering Heights' Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of Twilight' appeared first on The Onion.

Gather 'round, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyone's help. It may seem far-fetched at first-the ravings of yet another humble dreamer. But I really believe that we can accomplish this as long as we stay united as one. For [...]The post C'mon, Everybody, There's Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once! appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be buying everyone in the bar a round of F-22 fighter jets.Guys, the next round of aeronautic defense systems is on me," said a visibly inebriated Hegseth, twirling his finger around [...]The post Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple tied the knot in a small ceremony at a local courthouse since they were there for Smith's arraignment anyway.The post Ashley Byron and Connor Smith appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they weren't entirely sure where ball boys came from. People always assume the ball boys are our employees, but for as long as I can remember, they just show up on tournament days on [...]The post ATP Reveals They're Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stating that the country's naturalization process was highly outdated," White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section.Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell," said [...]The post U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section appeared first on The Onion.

ZANESVILLE, OH-Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters this week that he had used the GI bill to enroll in Hustlers University.After spending 10 years in the Army, I really needed something that would help me adjust my [...]The post GI Bill Used On Hustlers University appeared first on The Onion.

This flawless four-bedroom Craftsman mirage appears on the horizon to desperate house shoppers, only to disappear as soon as they reach the door. $800,000. Reference #98243The post Too Good To Be True appeared first on The Onion.

Amy Chandler, 38, was burned at the stake for the crime of witchcraft, which is more of an indictment of modern-day Oklahoma than anything.The post Amy Chandler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn't be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. Every month I'm probably sending off a dozen [...]The post Trump Claims He Can't Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported Wednesday that they had dug up Arlington National Cemetery.The American people gave the president a clear mandate to fight waste, fraud, and abuse by removing the freeloading corpses buried in [...]The post DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery appeared first on The Onion.

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ-With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the most desirable quality in a romantic partner was being a jacked centaur.Among our sample of over 40,000 respondents, by far the most coveted trait in a potential significant other was [...]The post Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality InRomantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur appeared first on The Onion.

The bride said I do" despite the groom mentioning the film Interstellar three separate times in his vows.The post Megan Haloiti and Patrick Leigh appeared first on The Onion.

Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion's tips for picking apples. Vastly overestimate how many apples you eat. Visit the orchard in January to avoid the crowds. Leave the kids at home-they're only going to slow you down. Prioritize the [...]The post Tips For Apple Picking appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday. The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained [...]The post Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child's School Lunch appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism.All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage-at [...]The post RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism appeared first on The Onion.

Come on, look at how cool this tower thingy is. Imagine sitting in a little circular room like that. So cool. Reference #56727The post House With Cool Turret Thing appeared first on The Onion.

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FOXBOROUGH, MA-In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players' rowdy and aggressive behavior," said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while [...]The post Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to let them keep a homeless man they had found as a pet. Please, Daddy, please can we keep our fuzzy buddy?" said Eric Trump, his visibly hopeful eyes widening as [...]The post Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet appeared first on The Onion.

OpenAI announced new safety features will be soon coming to ChatGPT in an effort to better protect teens and others experiencing acute distress." The Onion shares a selection of those safeguards. Begins every conversation by telling users not to vape Targeted BetterHelp ads for any user in the midst of a mental health crisis Parental [...]The post New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT appeared first on The Onion.