The Onion

WASHINGTON-Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached [...]The post White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn appeared first on The Onion.

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Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election, has died at age 81, with Trump responding by saying, Good, I'm glad he's dead." What do you think?The post Robert Mueller Dead At 81 appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom's 20th-anniversary special. Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did [...]The post Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?" said Lorraine Helms, who [...]The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he'd had sex with an angel. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN [...]The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel appeared first on The Onion.

SAO PAULO-In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls' parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in Sao Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. People think I hate children, but that's not true-in fact, I love [...]The post Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called allies' [...]The post Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company's food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must be married before becoming a sandwich. In accordance with Chick-fil-A's values, the bread used in all our sandwiches-from the jalapeno ranch club to our original classic chicken-are [...]The post Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich appeared first on The Onion.

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of [...]The post Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin appeared first on The Onion.

Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?The post Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys appeared first on The Onion.

The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think?The post FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds appeared first on The Onion.

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Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.

A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?The post Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith," read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that [...]The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation's fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. I'm gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I'm spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up [...]The post Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground appeared first on The Onion.

MILPITAS, CA-After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amelie without any hugs or kisses. We're an hour into the movie and Laura hasn't so much as held my [...]The post Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching Amelie' Without Any Hugs Or Kisses appeared first on The Onion.

Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank [...]The post Tips For Saving On Gas appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their [...]The post Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise,actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. Katy was a tremendous help on set-I couldn't have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her," said the 45-year-old actor, who confirmed that the singer [...]The post Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For Project Hail Mary' By Consulting Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office's March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we'd spoken since I told him I [...]The post Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. For students who take [...]The post University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his [...]The post Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman appeared first on The Onion.

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Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow still determined to save humanity despite having spent decades surrounded by middle [...]The post What To Know About Project Hail Mary' appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think?The post 98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward [...]The post Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled appeared first on The Onion.

While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence's role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology's future. The Onion: Good morning, Sam. How are you doing today?Altman: Certainly! Here are some [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts [...]The post God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of Creation appeared first on The Onion.

About 3,800 workers at one of the nation's largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think?The post 3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood's highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind-I was going [...]The post Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift appeared first on The Onion.

PIKEVILLE, KY-Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I'm going to need to [...]The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS-Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company's boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they're boarding how they're going to help keep the plane [...]The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy's morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. Well, that's another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating [...]The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.

QUANTICO, VA-Wincing as the bureau's director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a [...]The post FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter appeared first on The Onion.

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Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend,TravisKelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fianceeTaylor Swifthad signedhimupfor theNFLagain. She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house," said the 36-year-old [...]The post Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancee Signed Him Up For NFL Again appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP-I need to convince him to reopen his water," said [...]The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line appeared first on The Onion.