The Onion

WASHINGTON-In an effort to reduce gas prices while President Dad" worked to reopen the Street of Hummus [sic]," Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly broke another blender Wednesday during an attempt to make oil out of charcoal. Ugh, we made smoke instead of gas, but we're getting close-I think we just need one more [...]The post Trump Boys Break Another Blender Attempting To Make Oil Out Of Charcoal appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the past month one of the droopiest on record, officials at AARP issued a strong April jowls report Tuesday.We're pleased to announce that the rate of sagging jawlines since March has exceeded even our flappiest projections," said AARP spokesperson Janet Reyes, adding that U.S. cheeks had increased by about 130,000 folds over the most [...]The post AARP Releases Strong April Jowls Report appeared first on The Onion.

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ROLAND, AR-Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody [...]The post Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr. appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment," said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming [...]The post DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would've happened if we didn't have a free [...]The post Trump Claims Correspondents' Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. Our results have found that since it's been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is [...]The post Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon appeared first on The Onion.

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Kash Patel's time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie Office Nickname: Shhh, He's Right There Greatest [...]The post Political Profile: Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.

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Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think?The post Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent. This place used to be cool and underground, man. Now they have so many people in here [...]The post Regulars Angry Dive Bar Now Popular Enough To Be Financially Solvent appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin' caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man with a huge, juicy ass. That middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there," said Harlan Davis, 33, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who could not look away from [...]The post Nation Enthralled By Adult Man With Huge Juicy Ass appeared first on The Onion.

Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH: Only light with a wavelength of 630-670 nm has proven clinical efficacy. FACT: It's okay to sneak a few 671 nm wavelengths on cheat days. MYTH: Red light therapy can [...]The post Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday morning as Kash Patel screamed state secrets in her ear. Yeah so we're actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?" said Patel, spilling his Don [...]The post Bottle Girl Nods As Kash Patel Screams State Secrets In Ear appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint Peter's Basilica, hot young priests were soaked in holy water Friday during the Vatican's annual Wet Vestment Contest. All these hunky, muscular clergymen, who are just absolutely drenched in Holy Water and showing everything through those [...]The post Hot Young Priests Soaked In Holy Water During Vatican's Annual Wet Vestment Contest appeared first on The Onion.

A newly passed law will prohibit the sale of tobacco products to U.K. residents who are under 18 and anyone born in the future, raising the minimum age of purchase by one year every year going forward. What do you think?The post U.K. Passes Lifetime Smoking Ban For People Born After 2008 appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN JOSE, CA-With his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. So you're telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own?" said the [...]The post Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby's menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nation's meat lovers. French Dip Royale, Classic Beef 'N Cheddar, Double Beef 'N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef 'N Cheddar-that's from the Arby's slow roasted beef [...]The post Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arby's Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers appeared first on The Onion.

Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trump's tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Here's what you need to know about tariff refunds. Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trump's tariffs? A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan. Q: [...]The post What To Know About Tariff Refunds appeared first on The Onion.

A humanoid robot in Beijing finished a half marathon in 50 minutes and 26 seconds, about almost seven minutes faster than the human world record. What do you think?The post Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record appeared first on The Onion.

COEUR D'ALENE, ID-Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. Shit, shit, shit-there's no way I can go outside looking like this," said a hungover Hanlon, groaning as he stumbled into his closet [...]The post Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Hinting at an exciting new phase for the beloved franchise, the Walt Disney Co. released a statement Friday promising Star Wars fans a new era of blind stabs at what they seemed to like before. Fans of the rich world George Lucas created can expect a consistent output of wildly varying guesses at what [...]The post Disney Promises Star Wars' Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before appeared first on The Onion.

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Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in fact- almost indifferently, as though he couldn't care less.The post Nicholas Geary appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Alleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. When I was a kid, a lot more people and animals got hurt, but not anymore-total disgrace!" [...]The post Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Denouncing what they called a sickening" misrepresentation of the facts, critics of a new Michael Jackson biopic argued Monday that the movie brazenly depicted Neverland Ranch with way cooler rides than it actually had. Michael is a shameless whitewashing of ride options that frankly were no better than what you'd encounter at a ramshackle roadside [...]The post Michael' Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It Actually Had appeared first on The Onion.

CARMI, IL-Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. I don't want to be a sauce, I don't want to be an oil, I don't want to be tofu [...]The post Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough appeared first on The Onion.

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Cicadas referred to as stragglers" because they emerge off-cycle may appear this year despite their broods not being expected to emerge, with scientists unsure how they lose track of time. What do you think?The post Straggler Cicadas To Appear appeared first on The Onion.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a [...]The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion.

A Florida doctor was charged with second-degree manslaughter after accidentally removing a patient's liver instead of his spleen. What do you think?The post Surgeon Charged After Removing Wrong Organ appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Teasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would focus on an escalating feud between a cartoon mouse and a cartoon cat. I'm still ironing out the details, but I can tell you now that the conflict will [...]The post Beef' Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to understand just how bad he is at it. I picked up the guitar last year, and after endless hours of private lessons [...]The post Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Following a scene in which numerous high-profile attendees were observed violently clawing at their own skin, officials at Madison Square Garden acknowledged Wednesday that a severe bedbug outbreak was spread throughout Knicks' celebrity row by actor Michael Rapaport during the evening's game.Witnesses reported that Rapaport arrived visibly disheveled, repeatedly raking his fingernails across clusters [...]The post Michael Rapaport Gives Knicks' Celebrity Row Bedbugs appeared first on The Onion.

Lena Dunham recently released a polarizing new memoir in which she reflects on her rise to fame, past relationships, and the success of Girls. The Onion sat down with the writer to discuss some of the experiences detailed in Famesick. The Onion: What's your new book about?Dunham: I decided to step outside my comfort zone [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lena Dunham appeared first on The Onion.

INDIO, CA-Generating mixed reactions from festivalgoers during her headline performance at Coachella, pop star Sabrina Carpenter reportedly turned her body fully inside out Friday in a horrific new position for her song Juno." Have you ever tried this one?" the singer said in an uncharacteristically cold, distorted voice, lowering herself to the stage and contorting [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside Out In Horrific New Juno' Position appeared first on The Onion.