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by The Onion Staff on (#6WY31)
WASHINGTON-Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could [...]The post FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-19 02:33 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WXXK)
The post ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WXXM)
VATICAN CITY-Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Ruben Salazar Gomez confirmed Monday that he couldn't wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got [...]The post Catty Cardinal Can't Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WXV7)
WASHINGTON-After dispatching Dear Colleague" letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. We've set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration's agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will [...]The post Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don't Comply With MAGA Standards appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WXN8)
SACRAMENTO, CA-Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to [...]The post My Work Doesn't Define Me,' Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WW2D)
Chipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year. What do you think?The post Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZF)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Uncovering a troubling disruption of America's ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. Freelance pollen transfer has always been a part of seed plant reproductive strategies, but we were shocked to discover that the number of gig pollinators [...]The post Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZE)
ST. LOUIS-Apologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million cans of food that cats just kind of stared at before wandering away. Any cans of Fancy Feast Classic Pate, Grilled, or Gravy Lovers should be returned for a full refund [...]The post Fancy Feast Recalls 1 Million Cans Of Food That Cats Just Kind Of Stared At Before Wandering Away appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZD)
Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline. Q: What am I required to do to obtain a Real ID? A: Way, way too much. Q: Do I [...]The post What To Know About The Real ID Deadline appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZC)
The post Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZB)
The post Federal Regulators Hold Celebratory Seatbelt-Cutting Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVZA)
WASHINGTON-Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time [...]The post RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WVJP)
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called bloated" and bureaucratic." What do you think?The post Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of Bloated' State Department appeared first on The Onion.
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by Sam Hungerford on (#6WVDM)
VATICAN CITY-In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff's addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system- roughly four times the legal limit-at the time of death," [...]The post Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7H)
MARYVILLE, TN-Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale [...]The post Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7G)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. We just thought we'd let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they [...]The post FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7F)
The post Drake Catches Himself Singing Not Like Us' In The Shower appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7E)
Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy. 1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina Maria Sivori and God. 1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different [...]The post Timeline Of Pope Francis' Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WTBB)
NEW YORK-Claiming it was the only way to protect one's assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on," said J.P. [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WTBA)
WASHINGTON-Declaring that there was no better time for the U.S. populace to go cold turkey, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly attempted to flush the nation's antidepressants this week. Listen, I found these in your medicine cabinet," said Kennedy, the 71-year-old Cabinet member stunning Americans in all 50 states as he [...]The post RFK Jr. Flushes Nation's Antidepressants appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB9)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation's aquariums to commercial fishing. Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America's protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling," Trump [...]The post Trump Opens Up Nation's Aquariums To Commercial Fishing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB8)
While eating dinner at a D.C. restaurant, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief who stole her driver's license, passport, department access badge, medication, makeup bag, blank checks, the keys to her home, and about $3,000 in cash. What do you think?The post Kristi Noem's Handbag Containing $3,000 Stolen From D.C. Restaurant appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB7)
The post Thrift Store Categorizes Inflatable Birthing Tub As Decor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQP)
White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.The post Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQQ)
Pope Francis, the Catholic Church's first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think?The post Pope Francis Dead At 88 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQR)
THE HEAVENS-Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I'm currently in kind [...]The post God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQS)
VATICAN CITY-Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis' children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father's death. While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family's need [...]The post Pope Francis' Children Ask For Privacy Following Father's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSJ5)
WASHINGTON-Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers [...]The post Unpopular Pete HegsethForced To Drink Lunch Alone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF7)
WORCESTER, MA-Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?" [...]The post Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF6)
CHICAGO-Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that grief is the price we pay for love" as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. Opening yourself up to true love unfortunately means leaving yourself vulnerable to experiencing the deep, sorrowful pain of having eaten it," [...]The post Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love,' Reports Man Clutching Empty Package Of Salami appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF5)
The post Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In Cool, Daddy Cool' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY7)
The colossal squid, the heaviest invertebrate in the world, was captured on video swimming in the deep sea for the first time since it was identified a century ago. What do you think?The post Colossal Squid Caught On Camera In Deep Sea For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY8)
VATICAN CITY-Saying he couldn't help but think I told you so" in the wake of the bishop of Rome's death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner telling Pope Francis to ease off the butter. Yesterday I kept telling him, Your Holiness, [...]The post Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY9)
WASHINGTON-Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship." Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries," said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea [...]The post Pete Hegseth: There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRVW)
President Trump's trade war has inspired a new TikTok trend of Chinese manufacturers encouraging shoppers to buy direct and pay less, highlighting American consumers' desperation to avoid massive tariff-induced price increases while being accused of misrepresenting the products they sell. What do you think?The post TikTok Trend Urges Americans To Buy Directly From Chinese Manufacturers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP6)
LOS ANGELES-Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator Dan Erickson announced Monday that the TV show's next season would be released solely as episode recaps on Vulture.com. After some debate in the writers' room, we concluded that 500-word write-ups in New York magazine's pop culture [...]The post Severance' Creator Says Next Season Of Show Will Solely Be Released As TV Recaps On Vulture.com appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP5)
The post Solitary Consignment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP4)
The post Red Sox Fans Screaming Racial Slurs Throughout Mascot Race appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP3)
WASHINGTON-Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of reality. Hurry inside, boys and girls, for there are many trinkets and treats to be found [...]The post Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP2)
Experts recommend that every family keep a go bag," a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss Army knife, will come in handy when you need to laboriously [...]The post Tips For Packing A Go Bag' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WRVX)
VATICAN CITY-Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter's Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a result of eating an entire bag of jelly beans. Ugh, no-I promised myself I'd just [...]The post Pope Francis Back In Hospital After Eating Entire Bag Of Jelly Beans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFF)
Four ant smugglers pleaded guilty after being caught by the Kenyan Wildlife Service attempting to sneak hundreds of giant African harvester ants out of the country, which are valued by some exotic animal dealers at over $200 each. What do you think?The post 4 Men Caught Smuggling Hundreds Of Ants appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFG)
Colossal Biosciences claims it has brought back the dire wolf, a species that went extinct thousands of years ago, by editing the genes of gray wolves. The Onion examines the pros and cons of resurrecting extinct species. PRO: No other problems for science to tackle right now CON: Some of them are bugs PRO: New [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Bringing Back Extinct Species appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFH)
The post Trump: The Only Gun Guy To Stop Bad Gun With Good Guy' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQCZ)
Food scientists discovered that Postia stiptica, a type of mushroom found in the U.K. and Ireland, contains a chemical identified as the most bitter-tasting substance ever found. What do you think?The post Scientists Identify Most Bitter-Tasting Substance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD0)
SANTA FE, NM-Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple's living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they were not sure why they kept sharing details of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa's deaths. We have no [...]The post Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman's Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD1)
AUGUSTA, ME-In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. Well, well, well, what do we have here?" U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up [...]The post DOJ Plants Gun On Maine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7S)
AMESVILLE, OH-Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked.Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn't even bother to lock up [...]The post Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7R)
NEW YORK-Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it's clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping [...]The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7Q)
WASHINGTON-In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we'd like to put that to rest by letting [...]The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.
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