The Onion

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Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his [...]The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I'm Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.

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TORONTO-Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players' Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between players. The show's portrayals of hockey players having sex with each other are wildly misinformed, and we are disappointed by the [...]The post Hockey Players Blast Heated Rivalry' For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex appeared first on The Onion.

MACKINSHAW, NE-Emphasizing that he didn't want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior Geoffrey Lesseder stated Monday that he was starting to suspect the three school shootings he had been in might be about him. At first I thought it was due to [...]The post Student Who's Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him appeared first on The Onion.

WAYNE, NE-After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town's most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday better for its second-poorest family. Getting to see the smiles on the Turner kids' faces when they realized they were going to have a merry [...]The post Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town's Second-Poorest Family appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Praising the recipients for their acts of true Americancowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new Dodger Dividend" on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed," [...]The post Trump Announces New Dodger Dividend' For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service appeared first on The Onion.

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NAPERVILLE, IL-Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with," said [...]The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters appeared first on The Onion.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant help from their parents while building the pyramids. Though historians initially theorized that the civilization constructed the towering tombs [...]The post New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

Jack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here's everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism Reason For Running: Bored Dream Job: MrBeast Role In Fraternity: [...]The post Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown," Grady said to [...]The post Joe Flacco's Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. I couldn't get enough of him when I was abroad," said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian [...]The post Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To Share appeared first on The Onion.

CAMDEN, NJ-Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell's announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, [...]The post Campbell's Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed [...]The post MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of Screen appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country's drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier," said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the nation's ambience with [...]The post Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. Border appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PAUL, MN-Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you're listening to is not your mother's Jingle Bells." Whether you're out Christmas shopping at Old Navy, watching a [...]The post Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother's Jingle Bells' appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers-Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be no fewer than 10,000 years of winter." Hear me, mortals, and know that for the grave transgression of hindering [...]The post Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of Winter appeared first on The Onion.

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PROVIDENCE, RI-In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, MA-Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused of bias Monday after officially selecting dictionary' as its 2025 word of the year. Merriam-Webster clearly has a pro-dictionary bias that's preventing it from considering all words equally," lexicographer Alison [...]The post Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After Dictionary' Named Word Of The Year appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry's evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles. I've been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my characters," said Gadot, who emphasized that she had been honing her ability to [...]The post Gal Gadot Assures Casting Agent She Can Play AI Roles appeared first on The Onion.

With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and vibrant through Dec. 25 and beyond. Here are tips on how to keep your Christmas tree fresh. Choose A Genetically Pure Tree Of Noble Heritage: Often the reason a Christmas [...]The post How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh appeared first on The Onion.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and pop star Katy Perry confirmed their status as a couple after a number of public sightings sparked rumors of a romance. The Onion presents a timeline of the pair's relationship. A.D. 1100 The couple's common ancestor establishes two distinct bloodlines. 2008 A trembling 37-year-old Trudeau lies awake all [...]The post Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau's Relationship appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Drawing back the curtain on the reclusive and mysterious life of the multiplatinum recording artist, Disney+ premiered a new six-part Eras Tour documentary Friday that offers a rare look at Taylor Swift. Fans might know Taylor Swift's music, but The End Of An Era goes where no form of media has ever gone before [...]The post New Eras Tour Docuseries Offers Rare Look At Taylor Swift appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Searching in vain for a meaningful way to retaliate after Indiana lawmakers rejected his Republican gerrymandering push, a visibly frustrated President Donald Trump was reportedly strugglingFridayto find any infrastructure left in the state that could still be destroyed. I'm looking all over, and there's just no way we can make this any worse," Trump said [...]The post Frustrated Trump Struggling To Find Any Infrastructure Left In Indiana To Destroy appeared first on The Onion.

Hamnet, based on the 2020 novel by Maggie O'Farrell, is an awards season frontrunner with six Golden Globe nominations. Here is everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who stars in it? A: Paul Mescal plays fuckable Shakespeare and Jessie Buckley plays his fuckable wife. Q: Who is the target audience? A: High [...]The post What To Know About Hamnet' appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple were married by a City Hall clerk Saturday due to a nationwide pastor strike entering its sixth crippling month.The post Heidi Moyer and Ted Chun appeared first on The Onion.

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MOUNT POCONO, PA-Delivering a highly anticipated speech about the state of the economy, President Donald Trump doubled down this week on his claim that groceries were a hoax perpetrated by Democrats. They have this new word, they're calling it groceries,' but you can ask anybody-everybody knows food comes from restaurants," said Trump, who claimed that [...]The post Trump Calls Groceries A Hoax' appeared first on The Onion.

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Girl group Katseye is nominated for two awards at the 2026 Grammys, including Best New Artist. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the group. Genre: Popular girl's bat mitzvah Number Of Members: Four full-time and two who don't know they're part-time Biggest Hit: She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain" Fandom Name: Consumers [...]The post Artist Profile: Katseye appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness, a team of psychologists at Yale University found that at least 80% of Americans lack the social connections necessary to pull off a heist. When it comes to putting together a crew with the skills needed for a bank job or a jewel [...]The post Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist appeared first on The Onion.

MARBLEHEAD, MA-Her body seizing with energy after hearing the request from her youngest son to pass the asparagus, local mother Christina Nadler's eyes reportedly rolled back in her head Thursday as she fed on her family's enjoyment of the dinner she had prepared. Yes, yes, ask for another Parker House roll-it only makes me stronger!" [...]The post Mom's Eyes Roll Back In Head At Dinner Table As She Feeds On Family's Enjoyment Of Food appeared first on The Onion.

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will never tell you that.The post General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping appeared first on The Onion.