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on (#6KB9Y)
ARLINGTON, VA-Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as The Panther," sources confirmed Thursday. The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 09:00 |
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on (#6KB9Z)
FORT COLLINS, CO-Crediting the technique with helping countless clients, nutritionists recommended Thursday that Americans struggling to maintain a body weight try shaking their stomachs while yelling Stop being hungry!" Whether you're trying to cut down on added sugar or experimenting with intermittent fasting,...Read more...
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on (#6KBA0)
VIENNA-In an apparent attempt to persuade his customer that the additional fees would pay for itself in peace of mind, sources confirmed Thursday that local hitman Vincent Klein kept trying to upsell his client on dissolving the target's corpse in a vat of acid. It's, like, I get it for some things-definitely,...Read more...
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on (#6KAM7)
Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound" on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he'd made regarding the company's grave safety breaches on the production line. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KAKH)
NEW YORK-Rolling up their sleeves to reveal an illustration of a whisk or a fried egg inked on each of their forearms, the nation's burly chefs announced plans Wednesday to completely cover their meaty hands in tattoos also. We, the nation's barrel-chested chefs, will continue to cover our plump little sausage...Read more...
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on (#6KAKJ)
ESCANABA, MI-Declining to help himself to the uneaten food on their plates, depressed father of three Matt Dunbar was not even touching the rest of his family's dinners, household sources reported Wednesday. Usually he just digs right in and finishes up the leftovers I'm about to put in the fridge, but tonight he was...Read more...
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on (#6KA97)
Do you lack empathy, attempt to control others, exhibit impulsive behavior, or lie about all those things to seem normal? Take our quiz to find out if you are a sociopath.Read more...
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on (#6KA98)
DES MOINES, IA-Noting that they already felt closer as a result of the exercise, employees of local company Alpa Solutions relied on their corporate team building skills Wednesday while disposing of their CEO's body. It was amazing from start to finish-we felt empowered to work together and go above and beyond as we...Read more...
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on (#6KA99)
This week, House Republicans are pushing a vote on a bill with bipartisan support that would require TikTok's Beijing-based owners, ByteDance, to divest their stakes from the company or else the app will no longer be available to American users by Sept. 30. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6K9TE)
After releasing a Mother's Day photo of her and her children that immediately drew skepticism due to several glaring Photoshop errors, Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, admitted that Like many amateur photographers, [she does] occasionally experiment with editing." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K9M8)
A digitally manipulated family photo, intending to show off the healthiness of the Princes of Wales after a recent abdominal surgery, caused an uproar, speculation, and conspiracy theories. The Onion asked celebrities to give photoshop advice to Kate Middleton, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K9DF)
COLUMBUS, OH-In an effort to come clean about the storied history of the brand, White Castle released a statement Tuesday confirming its sliders were the result of centuries of inbreeding. Years of burgers procreating within the same bloodline have resulted in the square shape and diminished size of White Castle's...Read more...
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on (#6K9BA)
NEW YORK-While weighing the pros and cons of the flight as he planned his trip to visit family on the West Coast, local man Brett Danielewski, 32, reportedly expressed conflicting feelings Tuesday about a layover that would save him $39 but also require spending 7 months living in an Iowa City, IA suburb. On the one...Read more...
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on (#6K99N)
WASHINGTON-Noting that the late astronaut was actually quite disoriented after spending four days confined to the cramped Apollo 11 command module, a new report from NASA confirmed Tuesday that Neil Armstrong mistakenly believed he had discovered India after landing on the moon. While Neil Armstrong did in fact land...Read more...
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on (#6K8TA)
LOS ANGELES-Growing increasingly frustrated by the agonizing customer service experience, Emma Stone was reportedly on the phone with a Louis Vuitton representative for four hours Monday trying to get a refund on her gown that ripped at the Oscars ceremony last night. Hi, Emily, we are so sorry to hear that you had a...Read more...
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on (#6K8QZ)
BALTIMORE-Excitedly pulling out their Orioles jerseys and beat-up baseball mitts from the black of the closet, a local father and his son reportedly engaged Monday in their annual tradition of saying they should attend spring training one day. One of these days, we'll take a trip down south for spring training-just...Read more...
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on (#6K8BF)
NORFOLK, VA-Reaching the decision after an extensive discussion amongst the military branch's leadership, the U.S. Navy announced Friday its plan to phase out all wet activities over the coming year. Although wetness has long defined the Navy's operations, we've concluded that getting wet is really more trouble...Read more...
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on (#6K8BG)
INDIANAPOLIS-Pushing around a limp salad in a bowl, local woman Danielle Guerra reportedly sighed and said, I wish I had your metabolism," Monday upon seeing Garfield swallow a whole lasagna in one gulp. You're so lucky that you can eat that stuff all the time and not gain any weight," Guerra said as her eyes moved...Read more...
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on (#6K836)
NEW YORK-Hunched over a pint of beer, Paul Giamatti's fake lazy eye from The Holdovers was reportedly drunkenly watching the Oscars broadcast from a corner of the dive bar, sources confirmed Sunday. Turn it up, turn it up, I can't hear!" said the prosthetic eyeball, which slurred its words as it tried to tell...Read more...
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on (#6K82Q)
LOS ANGELES-Saying they were kicking themselves for leaving such an important task until the last minute, organizers of the 96th Academy Awards told reporters Sunday they were worried Oscar nominees would be able to tell the gift bags were full of junk purchased at a dollar store a few hours ago. I know they aren't...Read more...
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on (#6K81S)
LOS ANGELES-Groaning with pleasure as Hollywood's biggest stars entered the Dolby Theater, celebrity sources confirmed Sunday that the moaning red carpet had a distinct Quentin Tarantino-shaped lump underneath. Yes, yes, harder, step harder," said the quivering mound in the outline of the famed director, which was...Read more...
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on (#6K6SZ)
Take this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman.Read more...
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on (#6K6J2)
A German man who voluntarily received 217 Covid 19 vaccines in the span of 29 months has experienced no negative health effects, according to researchers, although doctors still do not endorse hyper-vaccination to boost immunity. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K6G3)
WEST ORANGE, NJ-Americans were reportedly taking part in celebrations and special programs across the country Friday in honor of the 150th anniversary of Thomas Edison inventing the electrical duck. We take it for granted today, but the electrical duck transformed the face of modern life as we know it," said Conrad...Read more...
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on (#6K6G4)
MENLO PARK, CA-As he argued that he of all people should know the difference between the real and virtual worlds, a blood-covered Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly informed Friday that the murder he had just committed was not in the metaverse. Yeah, right, there's no way that guy I just killed was real-we're in the...Read more...
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on (#6K6G5)
PEORIA, IL-Hard at work on her patient as a nearby boombox blared classic rock radio, a local gynecologist reportedly wheeled out from under her patient's legs Friday to ask the nurse for a socket wrench. Can I get a ratchet with a quarter-inch socket down here?" asked Dr. Jan Morgan, who lay on her back holding a...Read more...
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on (#6K6G6)
LOONSVILLE, MI-Calling the initiative an urgently needed infusion of resources into the organization's core mission, the nonprofit Habitat for Insanity announced Friday its intention to invest 35 million seashells into building affordable teeth. At Habitat for Insanity, we've long been devoted to helping the ...Read more...
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on (#6K6G7)
The leftist agenda has infiltrated all levels of American society, including our public schools. The Onion asked kids how their woke' curriculum had brainwashed them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K68S)
WASHINGTON-Deteriorating before the eyes of a nation until he was nothing more than fine particles of sediment on the floor next to the podium, President Joe Biden appeared to crumble to dust Thursday night during his State of the Union address. My fellow Amer-" the president said in what would be his final address...Read more...
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on (#6K5ZB)
MYRTLE BEACH, SC-Instantly committing its remaining days on earth to waddling behind the man, a local sea gull reportedly decided Thursday to follow Doug Wheeler around for the rest of his life after the 32-year-old accountant absent-mindedly tossed some hot dog scraps on the ground. According to sources, Wheeler will...Read more...
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on (#6K5ZC)
After major losses on Super Tuesday, Nikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race, leaving Donald Trump as the only major Republican candidate in the running. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K5ZD)
WASHINGTON-Assuring her coworkers that she wouldn't have made the request if the event weren't important, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly swapped shifts with a coworker at Orangetheory Thursday so she could attend the State of the Union address. I did a double at the front desk last week to cover for...Read more...
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on (#6K5JD)
In last week's Michigan's Democratic primary, more than 100,000 voters cast their ballots as uncommitted" in protest of President Joe Biden's support for Israel in its war in Gaza. The Onion explores the pros and cons of participating in a protest vote against the 2024 Democratic ticket.Read more...
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on (#6K5JE)
WILLOW GLEN, CA-Knowing full well that their fate had been sealed, local waitstaff at TGI Fridays watched helplessly Thursday as a limousine full of screaming 12-year-old girls pulled up in front of their restaurant. Dear God, we're doomed," said head waiter James Orsen, who stood motionless as several preteens...Read more...
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on (#6K5JF)
A new study from researchers in France found that one third of the study's 630 participants couldn't read the behavioral cues of an unhappy cat, ascribing the animal happy emotions when in fact they were signaling distress. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K5G7)
ROQUEBRUNE-CAP-MARTIN, FRANCE-Describing a migration pattern that had a devastating effect on prehistoric neighborhoods, archaeologists from the University of California, Berkeley, announced Thursday they had uncovered the first caves gentrified by Homo sapiens. While excavating caverns in southern France, we...Read more...
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on (#6K5G8)
When it comes to the war in Gaza, news outlets in the United States largely prefer to keep descriptions vague in order to appear impartial. The following are several words besides genocide" the media uses to describe genocide.Read more...
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on (#6K5G9)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Chitchatting as he took his passenger from a funeral home to a graveside service nearby, local hearse driver Glen Holland reportedly made small talk Thursday with the corpse riding in the back of his vehicle. Going to Elmwood Cemetery, huh?" Holland said to the man who had died from multiple gunshot...Read more...
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on (#6K54G)
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) announced that she will not seek reelection, leaving just one term after winning as a Democrat and leaving the party to become an independent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K4TY)
CONCORD, CA-Assuring the single 37-year-old that she had already vetted the prospective suitor, local mom Tina Salerno announced Wednesday that she would like to set her daughter Anna Salerno up with the nice man from the salad dressing label. Honey, don't be mad, but there's a man I'd like you to meet who is...Read more...
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on (#6K4MD)
After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6K4ME)
During U2's final performance at the Las Vegas Sphere, Bono dedicated the song All I Want Is You' to Jill Biden, who was in attendance, saying This song, when we wrote it, I tried to write the lyrics from the point of view of the woman or the bride [...]. And one woman in particular who is with us tonight, she's a...Read more...
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on (#6K4J3)
HINSDALE, IL-Barely audible through their snack-cake-stuffed cheeks, members of the American Nutrition Association said fuck it Wednesday after discovering Little Debbie desserts. Oh my God, forget everything I said about ultra-processed foods-these things are incredible," said registered dietitian Veronica Chernov,...Read more...
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on (#6K4J4)
WASHINGTON-Noting how much better things used to be for those struggling financially, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they longed for the days when poverty mostly meant making a monkey dance on the street for cash. Just a few decades ago, being below the poverty line was way more tolerable, and...Read more...
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on (#6K4J5)
CUPERTINO, CA-Touting the product as the smallest virtual reality headset in the world, Apple held a keynote presentation at its headquarters Wednesday to unveil a brand-new product, the Apple Vision Pro Mini. When it comes to spatial computing, the Apple Vision Pro was just the first step, and our latest model fits...Read more...
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