The Onion

ST. PAUL, MN-Making an impassioned plea to his colleagues in an effort to inspire concrete action, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota publicly called on his fellow Democrats Monday to return his Tupperware at once. To the esteemed members of the Democratic Party-I implore you to stand up for what's right and give back any pieces [...]The post Tim Walz Calls On Fellow Democrats To Return His Tupperware appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation's official language remedial English. Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure," read the executive order, which also mandated that official [...]The post Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English appeared first on The Onion.

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit Greedy," has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: You're looking at it Genre: New releases Hair Color: Unknown Aesthetic Inspired By: Early 2000s Carl's Jr. commercials Fanbase: Teens whose parents can't afford [...]The post Artist Profile: Tate McRae appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as the sole predictor of approaching hurricanes. In the wake of hundreds of layoffs at the National Weather Service, [...]The post NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better," sources confirmed Friday. Hot dog tastes good, and wife likes things that taste good," Fineman reportedly thought to himself, putting together a plan [...]The post Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,' Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever," said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, [...]The post Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the frontrunner in the Papal Combine. The College of Cardinals has produced some strong prospects this time around, but Dolan's basilica [...]The post Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine appeared first on The Onion.

HIALEAH, FL-Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs' white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the 32-year-old accounts receivable specialist braced himself against the edge of the bathroom vanity like a pummeled boxer laid out on the [...]The post Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed Thursday to make measles deaths so common that they wouldn't be upsetting anymore. When President Trump appointed me, I pledged to desensitize Americans to preventable death by [...]The post RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won't Be Upsetting Anymore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. All right, we're not playing around here, guys-you do not want to see what happens when we get to three," department spokesperson Ella Reiss said during [...]The post Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3 appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving the engine of a Corvette convertible outside your ex-girlfriend's office is the best way to show her what she's missing. According to our data, the efficacy of pulling up to [...]The post Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She's Missing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered Wednesday whether anyone would notice that Kathy Bates was appearing on the cover of the nonprofit's bimonthly magazine for the ninth time in a row. I don't even think we need to change the photo-this one is [...]The post AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row appeared first on The Onion.

RALEIGH, NC-Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other's ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked etymology had found each other. I'm so glad Ian [Hawes] overheard Rob [Agundez] telling me [...]The post Rest Of Party Thanks Fucking God 2 Guys Who Like Etymology Found Each Other appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Bemoaning the exhausting pattern into which his existence seemed to have fallen, local man Matthew Taylor told reporters Wednesday that he felt like his whole life was just an endless cycle of working, eating, sleeping, getting abducted by aliens, and then going to work again. Pretty much every day I roll out of bed, eat [...]The post Man Feels Like Whole Life Just Endless Cycle Of Work, Eat, Sleep, Get Abducted By Aliens appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-Noting that the evolutionary quirk results in plenty of familial strife, herpetologists at Cornell University confirmed Tuesday that shingleback lizards are the only reptiles that mate for the sake of their aging mothers. Unlike other lizards, the shingleback seeks out a partner to reproduce with as a means to stop the constant haranguing from [...]The post Scientists Confirm Shingleback Lizards Only Reptiles That Mate For Sake Of Aging Mothers appeared first on The Onion.

GREEN BAY, WI-In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. I was about to pop off a quick text telling Amelia and Mike how happy I was for them, but then this wave of [...]The post Aliveness Of Baby Quintuple-Checked Before Texting New Parents Congratulations appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-With thousands flocking to social media to discuss a scene from the popular HBO series in which a character's brow is slightly furrowed, an almost imperceptible facial expression is said to have sent a shock wave through the White Lotus fan base Sunday evening. Y'all...did you see what Walton Goggins just did using nothing [...]The post Virtually Imperceptible Facial Expression Sends Shock Wave Through White Lotus' Fan Base appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to raise morale by providing a fun yet challenging activity for employees of the U.S. DOGE Service, Elon Musk announced Monday a new office-wide contest to guess how many sperm were contained inside a cup placed on the front desk of the group's headquarters. Everyone take a good look, and no cheating! [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Office-Wide Contest To Guess How Many Sperm In Cup appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Warning that their sudden desire for a new sports car could leave you completely broke, many financial experts now recommend setting aside an emergency fund they can bilk you out of, reports confirmed Monday. Many Americans are completely unprepared for a rainy day, and ideally you should have three to six months of salary [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Setting Aside Emergency Fund They Can Bilk You Out Of appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-Emphasizing that he absolutely wouldnot tolerate another awaygame that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his team Sunday that the bottled water in their hotel wasn't free. I know they don't have a price tag on them, but any water bottles in or around the mini [...]The post Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn't Free appeared first on The Onion.

MURRIETA, CA-Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn't want to talk Monday during the scene where they're blowing up the Pentagon. Shh, babe-the helicopter is doing something," Cohen said to his girlfriend, swatting the air with a vague keep [...]The post Shh, Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Talk During Part Where They Blowing Up Pentagon appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American people wouldn't notice them. Don't make any sudden movements, or they'll spot us," Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) said out of the corner of his mouth, [...]The post Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them appeared first on The Onion.

OJAI, CA-Seeking an immediate injunction against the American actor and director, It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni announced Friday that he was suing It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni for getting him into this mess. For years, Mr. Baldoni has inflicted significant emotional distress and financial harm on my client through his reckless [...]The post Justin Baldoni Sues Justin Baldoni For Getting Him Into This Mess appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid efforts to prove himself as an effective chair of the performing arts organization, President Donald Trump was reportedly unable to focus in a national security meeting Friday, distracted by the pressure of booking the Kennedy Center's upcoming Summer Jazz Series. According to sources, the sound of his Cabinet members' voices was essentially white noise [...]The post Trump Unable To Focus In Meeting As Pressure Of Booking Kennedy Center Summer Jazz Series Looms appeared first on The Onion.

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI-With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth's surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his daughter Ellie's wedding Friday thinking about the history of oil. According to sources, the father walked the bride down the [...]The post Dad Spends Daughter's Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board gameWingspanincorrectly for the past six hours. Wait, were we supposed to have set up these goal tiles earlier?" said Elliott Barnes, 31, grabbing [...]The post Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday after getting their tongues stuck to a frozen column near the West Wing of the White House. Oh my God, it's thtuck, it's thtuck!" said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who blamed his brother Eric for [...]The post Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House appeared first on The Onion.

FOXFIELD, CO-As he naively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday How different could purified and distilled water really be?" just seconds before entering a world of shit. Those two words basically mean the same thing, and water is [...]The post How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?' Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit appeared first on The Onion.

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COLUMBUS, OH-Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold the previous night. Oh no, not again-I reserved 16 books, and one [...]The post Horrified Woman Swears Off Ambien After Seeing Number Of Library Books She Reserved Last Night appeared first on The Onion.

OAK PARK, IL-Paying no mind to his forgetful nature and instead lending a fancy free, devil-may-care attitude toward his tendency to sign up for promotional offers,area man Ben Cameron was playing it fast and loose this week with his free trials for numerous subscription-based services. Yeah, why not? I'll try FUBI. It's free for the [...]The post Forgetful Man Playing Fast And Loose With Free Trials appeared first on The Onion.

TACOMA, WA-Operating on pure natural instinct while leaping into action to protect his beloved owners, heroic dog Snickers saved a local family of five from the threat of an herb-roasted chicken, sources confirmed Wednesday. It was a close call, but luckily Snickers could sense the golden brown skin of the chicken we'd just roasted for [...]The post Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps planes in the air. This electromagnet, which I've order to be immediately shut down, is wastefully costing taxpayers tens [...]The post Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. Aaron Rodgers feels like he could be a great fit for the culture of other places," said an anonymous NFC general manager among the flurry of teams across [...]The post Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere appeared first on The Onion.