The Onion

Everyone thought it was strange that the least attractive of the sisters was the first to be married, but no one expected the officiant to announce it.The post Lucy Hastings and Sebastian Gonzalez appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a chaotic scene that sent rising stars, supermodels, and A-list actors scattering, the Met Gala ended abruptly Monday night after Anna Wintour's parents reportedly got home early. According to sources, the sight of the Met Gala co-chair's parents pulling into the Metropolitan Museum of Art driveway caused considerable alarm and distress among the [...]The post Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintour's Parents Get Home Early appeared first on The Onion.

DANIA BEACH, FL-Reversing its company-wide shutdown after the sudden influx of capital, Spirit Airlines resumed business Monday after its CEO Dave Davis reportedly found a nickel on the ground. This incredible new funding source will allow Spirit to continue operating for years, even decades," said Davis, noting that the serendipitous surge in resources would give [...]The post Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground appeared first on The Onion.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Emerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York City mayor was now in liquid but stable condition. We're relieved to report that, aside from some minor ripples and dribbling, the mayor is currently in a safe fluid state," said [...]The post Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition appeared first on The Onion.

The city of Westminster, CA redesignated a street from All American Way" to Charlie Kirk Way," with the mayor claiming the change isn't political. What do you think?The post City Renames Street To Honor Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what political analysts have called a major escalation" in the commander-in-chief's antagonism toward the cultural icon, President Donald Trump made a number of public comments this week dramatically ratcheting up his rhetoric against Snoopy. At an event honoring Gold Star families Friday, Trump reportedly deviated from his prepared remarks to criticize the cartoon beagle [...]The post Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy appeared first on The Onion.

With societal collapse right around the corner, it might be time to roll the dice on this stunning ranch home that will make the perfect fortification against debt collectors or roving cannibal gangs. Reference #894710The post It's Not Like You'll Have To Pay It Off appeared first on The Onion.

According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the harmful particles. Use water bottles made of 100% wool. Drink from single-use plastic cups instead of biting into them. Buy your children wooden toys instead of fun ones. Line your mouth [...]The post Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics appeared first on The Onion.

MURCIA, SPAIN-Sending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Withdraws From French Open Over Career-Threatening Haircut appeared first on The Onion.

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BOULDER, CO-Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone's penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations [...]The post Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation appeared first on The Onion.

The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event. 1 in 3 Invitees aware the Met is a museum 5th Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala $25 Target gift card awarded to [...]The post The Met Gala By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

HUNT VALLEY, MD-Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick & Co. introduced a first-of-its-kind smooth and hearty transdermal gravy patch Tuesday. At McCormick, we know well the frustrations and difficult side effects that come with abrupt attempts to quit gravy, so [...]The post McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch appeared first on The Onion.

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The Justice Department indicted former FBI director James Comey a second time for posting a photo of seashells arranged in the shape of 86 47," which Trump and his allies insisted was a threat to get rid of the 47th president. What do you think?The post James Comey Indicted Over Seashell Photo appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Mortified at the effect his blundering might have on delicate relations between the two countries, Japanese diplomat Ryuto Tanaka confirmed Thursday that he was worried he had embarrassed himself in front of Kid Rock. This is a man of great importance in the United States, and I have dishonored myself as well as the Japanese [...]The post Japanese Diplomat Worried He Embarrassed Himself In Front Of Kid Rock appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Instructing his client to drop what she was doing and take a look in today's New York Times, talent agent Jeremy Weinrib informed Rita Ora on Thursday that he had scored the singer another prime crossword puzzle placement. Two down, top left, that's all you baby," said Weinrib, who urged Ora to pop a [...]The post Rita Ora's Agent Scores Singer Another Prime Crossword Puzzle Placement appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen roosters materialize Thursday over a random point in the Pacific Ocean. Yo, Gabriel, check this shit out!" the wasted Creator of All Things said while jostling the archangel on the shoulder [...]The post Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean appeared first on The Onion.

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Influencer Braden Peters, better known as Clavicular, has generated controversy for his looksmaxxing" content. The Onion sat down with the streamer to discuss his views, methods, and aspirations. The Onion: Do you consider your methods to be extreme? Clavicular: I get called extreme, but no one blinks an eye when Ms. Rachel tells kids to [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Clavicular appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Expressing confusion over whether they were witnessing a sanctioned in-game antic or the feral behavior of a mascot gone rogue, Philadelphia Flyers fans reported Tuesday that they weren't sure if Gritty was actually supposed to be eating a live bird.He went straight from a silly hula dance to this-is it part of the bit or [...]The post Flyers Fans Not SureWhether Gritty Supposed To Be Eating Live Bird appeared first on The Onion.

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King Charles III and his wife Queen Camilla arrived in the U.S. to attend a state dinner at the White House, highlighting the countries' special relationship" amid strained diplomatic relations. What do you think?The post King Charles Visits U.S. For State Dinner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to reduce gas prices while President Dad" worked to reopen the Street of Hummus [sic]," Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly broke another blender Wednesday during an attempt to make oil out of charcoal. Ugh, we made smoke instead of gas, but we're getting close-I think we just need one more [...]The post Trump Boys Break Another Blender Attempting To Make Oil Out Of Charcoal appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the past month one of the droopiest on record, officials at AARP issued a strong April jowls report Tuesday.We're pleased to announce that the rate of sagging jawlines since March has exceeded even our flappiest projections," said AARP spokesperson Janet Reyes, adding that U.S. cheeks had increased by about 130,000 folds over the most [...]The post AARP Releases Strong April Jowls Report appeared first on The Onion.

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ROLAND, AR-Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody [...]The post Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr. appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment," said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming [...]The post DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would've happened if we didn't have a free [...]The post Trump Claims Correspondents' Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. Our results have found that since it's been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is [...]The post Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon appeared first on The Onion.

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Kash Patel's time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie Office Nickname: Shhh, He's Right There Greatest [...]The post Political Profile: Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.

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Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think?The post Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent. This place used to be cool and underground, man. Now they have so many people in here [...]The post Regulars Angry Dive Bar Now Popular Enough To Be Financially Solvent appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin' caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man with a huge, juicy ass. That middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there," said Harlan Davis, 33, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who could not look away from [...]The post Nation Enthralled By Adult Man With Huge Juicy Ass appeared first on The Onion.