The Onion

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CHICAGO-Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center.Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard-I'm not sure he'll ever compete in another Dunkin' race after an [...]The post Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can [...]The post New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive appeared first on The Onion.

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Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son's erratic driving was going to get [them] all killed" was proven right.The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.

SARASOTA, FL-As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and [...]The post Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Bragging that he had forced the world leader into total submission," President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. I said to him, Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,' and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in [...]The post Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

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HUNTSVILLE, AL-Confirming that the group's long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today, 11-year-olds Lillian and Evan Peltier were safely returned to their home in Chattanooga, TN after an extended 286-day educational [...]The post NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children.People of the world, we call upon you to gaze on our sweet little ones immediately-especially Brandon, who is really cute as a button in his OshKosh B'Gosh," said [...]The post Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children appeared first on The Onion.

EL RENO, OK-Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid's Diner that he only wanted one patty-not two-dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday.Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried a burger with double meat would upset his tender tummy?" said onlooker Miles Friedmont, wondering aloud whether Villarreal was purchasing the [...]The post Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger appeared first on The Onion.

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This place is pretty unremarkable, but hey, it's got a wine fridge! That's pretty fun! Don't worry about the foundation! Reference #68903The post It Has A Wine Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Boasting that they were about to become gajillionaires" thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency.Uncle Elon told us all about how crypto works, and now we've built a mining rig that's gonna make us free money!" [...]The post Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency appeared first on The Onion.

LOUISVILLE, KY-Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman's lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star Wars: Episode IV-A New Hope. The 40-year-old logistics coordinator confirmed he had paid the sex worker Misty, as [...]The post Prostitute Falls Asleep During Star Wars' appeared first on The Onion.

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Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.The post Mark Rodney appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratchwould henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. Let me be clear: This man, whoattempted to park [...]The post Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building's plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine-healthier, even," said Kennedy, who noted [...]The post RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child. Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she [...]The post Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. I'm just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all [...]The post Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried White Lotus' Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient appeared first on The Onion.

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND-With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestle released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3billion.We're excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks," CEO [...]The post Nestle Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion appeared first on The Onion.

It's new construction in your price range that's near a good school and your family with plenty of space for everything the future holds, so why are you so hesitant to pull the trigger? Reference #84735The post Everything You Always Wanted, Right? appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick Vitale. Unbelievable, folks, Walton Clayton Jr. is now heading up the rungs for a keepsake from this [...]The post Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale appeared first on The Onion.

GREENBELT, MD-Decrying the deportation as wholly lawless," U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen [...]The post Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources confirmed Monday that a page on the National Parks website had been revised to describe Harriet Tubman as a human trafficker. Operating between 1851 and 1862, the notorious human trafficker Harriet Tubman stole approximately 70 African Americans [...]The post Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker appeared first on The Onion.

READING, ENGLAND-Calling his ignorance a major oversight," filmmaker Sam Mendes admitted Monday that he conceived his idea for four Beatles biopics before hearing about TV. Oh, gosh, well, this is embarrassing," said the 59-year-old director, who expressed his frustration that no one at Sony Pictures had bothered to tell him about the existence of the [...]The post Sam Mendes Admits Idea For 4 Beatles Biopics Conceived Before He Heard About TV appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President Donald Trump reportedly assured U.S. farmers Monday that Barron would eat their crops. No need for great American farmers to worry-that boy of mine can put away as many acres of corn as you can throw at [...]The post Trump Assures U.S. Farmers Barron Will Eat Their Crops appeared first on The Onion.

Bride and groom exchanged vows before friends and family Saturday in a ceremony that delicately danced around the fact that Patrick was Shelly's track and field coach in high school.The post Shelly Greenfield and Patrick Chester appeared first on The Onion.

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BERLIN-Hoping to secure at least one nice picture as a memento of his trip abroad, an American tourist visiting Germany reportedly asked a passerby Monday to take a boudoir photo of him. Excuse me, would you mind getting a shot of me with my hand behind my head like a pinup girl?" Topeka, KS native [...]The post Tourist Asks Passerby To Take Boudoir Photo Of Him appeared first on The Onion.

HUNTSVILLE, AL-In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their money was in heaven now, sources confirmed. Honey, the reason we're sitting you down today is because even though our life [...]The post Parents Gently Explain To Child That Their Money In Heaven Now appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Expressing relief that they were both on the same page about custody, Megan Fox confirmed Friday that she and her new baby would be working together to co-parent Machine Gun Kelly. The coming months are going to be exhausting, but knowing that I have this newborn by my side to help set a good [...]The post Megan Fox Confirms She And New Baby Will Co-Parent Machine Gun Kelly appeared first on The Onion.

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