The Onion

WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs," said Hegseth, a large vein pulsating across his beet-red forehead as he [...]The post Pete Hegseth Shaking With Rage After Imagining Plus-Sized Astronaut appeared first on The Onion.

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Top-ranked tennis player Jannik Sinner arrives at the French Open on a 29-match win streak, having recently swept six consecutive ATP 1000 titles and completed the Career Golden Masters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the four-time Grand Slam champion. Height: 8-foot-6 (with tennis racquet on head) Opacity: 37% Pre-Match Ritual: Watching [...]The post Player Profile: Jannik Sinner appeared first on The Onion.

PEACH CREEK, KY-Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren't their intention, America's simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don't mean no harm to nobody. We don't wish no ill 'pon nobody, no sir," said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee Bubba" Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of [...]The post Nation's Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don't Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion.

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After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which fails to incorporate information from interviews with Biden or Harris and doesn't use the words Israel" or Gaza." What do you think?The post Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, it's best to avoid [...]The post Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester appeared first on The Onion.

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Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. PRO Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful," said the [...]The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member's life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He's fading!" said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary [...]The post RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only share banking information with people who seemed nice. Fraudsters can use your online passwords and PINs to drain your accounts before you even notice, so always take extra precautions to verify [...]The post Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the innovation a remarkable step forward in removing fallible judgment from the game, MLB executives announced Friday that they would be attempting to reduce human error with new electronic bat boys. Until now, MLB has depended on the discernment of 13-year-olds to ferry gear to and from the batter's box, and the reality [...]The post MLB Attempts To Reduce Human Error With New Electronic Bat Boys appeared first on The Onion.

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The Department of Justice filed charges, including murder and conspiring to kill U.S. nationals, against former Cuban President Raul Castro for the 1996 downing of civilian aircraft, raising the specter of war as tensions ramp up with the Communist island nation. What do you think?The post U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President appeared first on The Onion.

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SUN PRAIRIE, WI-Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student council treasurer Grayson Burner's deepest convictions were reportedly tested Thursday after he obtained access to $52 in singles. Let's not do anything too hasty-this kind of money doesn't come along every [...]The post Student Council Treasurer's Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Flashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle Richards was seen Thursday circling menacingly around the table where The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' California spinoff was filming. I don't care what you Mormon wives get up to in Utah, but California is mine, [...]The post Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' Spinoff Shoot appeared first on The Onion.

Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark a wider war. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the conflict. 10-20 Synonyms for boondoggle" journalists aren't allowed to use 8.6 million Schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles 19-ish [...]The post The Iran War By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that they couldn't get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we'll take everything you got," said Nevada resident [...]The post Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you're a foot-nearly a foot and a half-off the ground, you start to lose [...]The post Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended [...]The post Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort appeared first on The Onion.

MEDFORD, MA-Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going back to live with their parents due to the [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits appeared first on The Onion.

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Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldn't charm his way out of this one (leukemia).The post Bobby Hanlon appeared first on The Onion.

CANNES, FRANCE-Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to watch Mortal Kombat II. Come on, no one's looking, just go," said actor Stellan Skarsgard, who ushered the rest of the jury members through an emergency exit door and down a [...]The post Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch Mortal Kombat II' appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the mundane on Mars. After more than a dozen years on the Red Planet, our rover has officially uncovered a peaceful quietude among the endless rust-colored vistas," aerospace engineer Haley Thompson said [...]The post NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope's assassination protocol. Have your tickets ready, keys and phones out of your pockets, and-this part is very important, so please listen up-make sure flash settings on your phones and cameras are off," [...]The post BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope's Assassination Protocol appeared first on The Onion.

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HENDERSON, NV-In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday to gain enough momentum to sit up from his chair. According to several reports, the 73-year-old used the mass of his large belly like a pendulum's counterweight as he oscillated to [...]The post Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. I'm calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me," said Trump, acknowledging that he [...]The post Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have appeared first on The Onion.

HEATH, TX-Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal told reporters Tuesday that even he was surprised to learn he was the new spokesman for DivaCup. Really don't remember signing up for this one-I remember Icy Hot, the General, JCPenney, and Muscle Milk, but not [...]The post Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He's The New Spokesman For DivaCup appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their return from the IRS for funding their dream sandwich. Rather than spend that money right away, what would happen if you set it aside as an investment in the sandwich of [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich appeared first on The Onion.

EDMOND, OK-Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem,local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday thatherrespect for longtime friend Darci Strouse had plummeted after reading a book Strouse enthusiastically recommended. She said she's read thisfuckingbookadozentimes and that it had a huge influence on who she is [...]The post Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended appeared first on The Onion.

Tensions between mainland China and Taiwan remain volatile, with significant geopolitical implications in the region and abroad. The Onion looks back at China's history with the contested island. 8,000 B.C. Taiwan decides it needs a little space and disconnects from the Chinese mainland. 1662 Violent clash over who has to talk to the Dutch. 1887 [...]The post Timeline Of China-Taiwan Relations appeared first on The Onion.

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The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think?The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly [...]The post Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It appeared first on The Onion.