The Onion

WASHINGTON-Grateful but confused by the unexpected windfall of financial support, top aides to President Donald Trump were reportedly confused Wednesday after his super PAC received a series of generous donations from the sporting goods giant Spalding. Are we doing something with basketballs? Did the president threaten to outlaw basketballs? Do we have to establish a [...]The post Trump Aides Unsure Why Spalding Making Such Generous PAC Donations appeared first on The Onion.

LAWTON, OK-Disturbed by the sudden appearance of duct tape, rope, and plastic sheeting in the kitchen, sources confirmed Wednesday that local mom Jennifer Kirkendall was trying something called the serial killer diet." I've already lost four pounds just by focusing on my inner animalistic urge to kill instead of stuffing my face with empty calories," [...]The post Mom Trying Something Called The Serial Killer's Diet' appeared first on The Onion.

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SPRINGDALE, UT-Beating himself up over a lifetime of wasted energy, a local hummingbird confirmed Tuesday that he felt like a huge fucking idiot after he saw a hawk gliding above him with close to no effort all. What the hell am I doing continuously flitting around like a complete maniac?" said the male hummingbird, adding [...]The post Hummingbird Feels Like Fucking Idiot After Seeing Other Bird Gliding appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As they called attention to his alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function, White House officials sought to quell speculation Monday over the bruising on President Donald Trump's right hand by dismissing it as one of the least concerning parts of his body. The discoloration on the president's hand is superficial and no cause [...]The post White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Sharing new details about her highly anticipated 12th studio album, pop superstar Taylor Swift dropped major hints on her Instagram story Tuesday that The Life Of A Showgirl could be about her. While creating this record, I took a lot of inspiration from a certain someone who I have a long history with," said [...]The post Taylor Swift Hints New Album Could Be About Her appeared first on The Onion.

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ROCHESTER, MN-In an effort to advise American consumers about the potential hazards of ingesting the Mexican-inspired fast food item, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic warned Tuesday that the Taco Bell $3 steak burrito was a $3 steak burrito. While Taco Bell's latest offering of a grilled steak burrito for just $3 might seem like an [...]The post Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Approaching cautiously after waiting for an opportune moment to pose his question, Vice President JD Vance reportedly asked a National Guardsman patrolling the nation's capital Monday if he could touch the man's service rifle. Sorry to bother you, sir-is that thing real?" Vance said to a newly armed member of the Ohio National Guard on [...]The post JD Vance Asks National Guard Member If He Can Touch Gun appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump recently reiterated claims that the U.S. electoral system remains highly susceptible to voter fraud. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: Vote counts are inflated with millions of illegal votes. False: It is not illegal for women to vote yet. Claim: Democrats are getting illegal immigrants to vote. False: [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Voter Fraud appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Stumped by the latest development to come out of the world of entertainment, sources confirmed Monday that presumably real television show Irish Blood had come to Acorn TV. Huh, look at that," one source said of the Alicia Silverstone-led series, which was presumably written, shot, and edited before being made available on the streaming [...]The post Presumably Real Television Show Comes To Acorn TV appeared first on The Onion.

ROANOKE, VA-As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this week for using a generic EpiPen. Oh my God, is that really your auto-injector, or did you just tape a sewing needle to a glue stick?" said classmate Lucas Hammond, [...]The post Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen appeared first on The Onion.

As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using artificial intelligence for schoolwork. PRO Only possible way to figure out when World War I ended Curriculum can be customized to [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork appeared first on The Onion.

TOLEDO, OH-In response to the holier-than-thou message on their social media feeds, sources reported Friday that a post by local man Jim Boisvert was pretty sanctimonious for someone who had only been sober for a month. He's really laying it on thick about not needing alcohol to have fun considering hewas absolutely pounding beers as [...]The post Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Providing data that bolsters long-running concerns about the beverage among environmental experts and activists, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Yale University has found that humans waste an astonishing 74 billion gallons of water each year making tea. We must stop this terrible practice of taking our most precious natural resource and, [...]The post Report Finds Humans Waste 74 Billion Gallons Of Water Each Year Making Tea appeared first on The Onion.

Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.The post Mark Rodney appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that he wasn't going to leave the nation's capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept getting in the frame of his shot. All right, everyone, looking good-just wait two more seconds until all those military guys finish shooting their assault rifles and hop back into [...]The post Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist's Shot appeared first on The Onion.

Alien: Earth, the latest entry in the Alien franchise, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sci-fi series. Q: Where is it streaming? A: Looks like the guy sitting next to you on the bus has it playing pretty loudly. Q: Is it appropriate for children? A: No, but [...]The post What To Know About Alien: Earth' appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-In an effort to make sure the young leukemia patient's night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday to give up a home run for a sick child, ballpark sources confirmed. Hey buddy, when I go out there tonight and serve up a meatball for the Diamondbacks to [...]The post Rockies Pitcher Pledges To Give Up Home Run For Sick Child appeared first on The Onion.

IOWA CITY, IA-Shedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence suggesting that the Easter Island heads were gifts from an overbearing mother-in-law. By deciphering glyphs on wooden tablets, we discovered an inhabitant of the island once made an offhand remark [...]The post Evidence Suggests Easter Island Heads Were Gifts From Overbearing Mother-In-Law appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances, Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by child actors to be set aside for their future. The sad truth is that a lot of the coke given to children who work [...]The post New Law Requires 15% Of Cocaine Received By Child Actors Be Set Aside For Future appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break [...]The post WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men's, Women's Fines appeared first on The Onion.

Despite a slight mix-up with the readings, the happy couple were pronounced man and wife after a recitation of Judges 19-21, the rape of the Levite's concubine.The post Marissa Green and Henry Right appeared first on The Onion.

AURORA, IL-Pausing to confirm she had read that correctly, local woman Liz Jackson reported Wednesday that the main character in the novel she was reading straight up said she hoped to be played by Nicole Kidman in a miniseries based on the book. I can't believe what came over me back there-it's going to be [...]The post Book Character Straight Up Says She Hopes To Be Played By Nicole Kidman In Miniseries appeared first on The Onion.

CORAL SPRINGS, FL-Emphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this week that he would like to see him mutilating his elbow a bit more. You're clocking high-90s on the radar gun, but you really need to be making that UCL [...]The post Scout Would Like To See Pitching Prospect Mutilate Elbow A Little More appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Calling his portrayal of a Native Hawaiian chief straight out of the 1700s," critics, scholars, and fans alike praised Chief Of War star Jason Momoa this week for the historical accuracy of his ass. Of all the period dramas that have come out in the past two decades, this is by far the most realistic [...]The post Jason Momoa Praised For Historical Accuracy Of Chief Of War' Ass appeared first on The Onion.

Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, we're just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect for fucking in. Loudly! Reference #90210The post We Want You To Fuck Here appeared first on The Onion.

Antonio D'Angelo, 63, fell backward onto a knife in his apartment Tuesday, and that's all you need to know.The post Antonio D'Angelo appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN FRANCISCO-Thumbing back the pistol's hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. You're right, dogs are not a type of crustacean-I meant to [...]The post Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital efficiencies was a behavior unique to humans, but [...]The post Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. That's it. Tomorrow I'm buying a digital scale, and from now on I'm only using on weekends [...]The post Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter appeared first on The Onion.

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Now that they've tied the knot, the bride will begrudgingly root for the groom's stupid little football team.The post Anna Tsang and Matthew Valentine appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Taking offense that European leaders had, in his view, disrespected the White House by showing up inadequately dressed to Monday's closely watched Oval Office meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, President Donald Trump reportedly fumed that not a single one of them had arrived in lederhosen and a tiny feathered hat. It's rude and, frankly, [...]The post Trump Angry Not A Single Visiting European Leader Wearing Lederhosen, Tiny Hat appeared first on The Onion.

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The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with American ideals." Here is a selection of the changes President Trump is demanding be implemented immediately. New wing about the Cola wars Plaques updated to confirm that wooly mammoths were [...]The post All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club's dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children. It is deeply irresponsible to lure kids into becoming Pirates fans before they're emotionally equipped to handle the kind of disappointment and chronic [...]The post Pirates Under Fire For Directly Marketing Team To Children appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expanding its suite of discounted entry options to draw in more visitors, the National Park Service announced Tuesday the rollout of a new annual body-dumping pass for use on federal lands across the country. Officials confirmed the pass covers park admission and day-use fees for the disposal of dead bodies on America's government-owned nature preserves, [...]The post National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass appeared first on The Onion.