by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMP)
David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians.The post David Eustice appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-08-17 04:16 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPQ)
Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you've changed. I've tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can't pretend any longer: You're not the man I married. You're significantly [...]The post You're Not The Man I Married-You're Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPP)
TOADSTOOL VALE-To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Bjork held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest.This next song goes out to this enchanted mushroom forest and all the drooping sunflowers who were affected by the orb of night's [...]The post Bjork Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WMPN)
This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM8Q)
WASHINGTON-During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador's president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he lacks the humanity" to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don't have the ability to feel [...]The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM65)
NEW YORK-Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn't ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to [...]The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn't Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WM3A)
The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WN3M)
A paper published in Royal Society Open Science found that many medieval book covers previously thought to be made from deer or boar skin were in fact made of sealskin. What do you think?The post Analysis Finds Many Medieval Books Bound With Seal Skin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXH)
MEDINA, OH-Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn't been home in a few days.Huh, that's weird," said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of [...]The post Report: Wife Hasn't Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXG)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a transformative experience," Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he'd gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes.When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I'd found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXF)
After months of feeling misunderstood and growing distant from each other, the couple put on a good show this weekend for their family and friends.The post Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WKXE)
From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you'll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one. Create a chromatic silver effect with a few tablespoons of liquid mercury. Get the [...]The post Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WM3B)
Basketball legend LeBron James became the first professional male athlete to have his likeness depicted in a Ken doll, with Mattel Inc. unveiling the figure to kick off the toy manufacturer's Kenbassador" series. What do you think?The post LeBron James Becomes First Male Athlete To Have Likeness Depicted In Ken Doll appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ0)
The post Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJJ1)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJFB)
Scientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of space miso" fermented for 30 days aboard the International Space Station, noting it had a nuttier and more roasted quality than typical soybean paste made on Earth. What do you think?The post Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAF)
CHICAGO-Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center.Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard-I'm not sure he'll ever compete in another Dunkin' race after an [...]The post Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAE)
The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president's tariffs. $3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags 29: Turnips to be substituted into average American's weekly diet 1 in 3: Americans currently screaming [...]The post Trump's Tariffs By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAD)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can [...]The post New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAC)
The post Thirst Communion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WJAB)
Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son's erratic driving was going to get [them] all killed" was proven right.The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPK)
The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country's decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think?The post U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPM)
SARASOTA, FL-As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and [...]The post Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPN)
WASHINGTON-Bragging that he had forced the world leader into total submission," President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. I said to him, Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,' and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in [...]The post Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHPP)
The post Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHKQ)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Confirming that the group's long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today, 11-year-olds Lillian and Evan Peltier were safely returned to their home in Chattanooga, TN after an extended 286-day educational [...]The post NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDY)
WASHINGTON-Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children.People of the world, we call upon you to gaze on our sweet little ones immediately-especially Brandon, who is really cute as a button in his OshKosh B'Gosh," said [...]The post Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDX)
EL RENO, OK-Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid's Diner that he only wanted one patty-not two-dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday.Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried a burger with double meat would upset his tender tummy?" said onlooker Miles Friedmont, wondering aloud whether Villarreal was purchasing the [...]The post Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDW)
The post Pebble Rattling Around In Shoe Turns Out To Be Loose Toe appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDV)
This place is pretty unremarkable, but hey, it's got a wine fridge! That's pretty fun! Don't worry about the foundation! Reference #68903The post It Has A Wine Fridge appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WHDT)
According to the CDC, more than one quarter of U.S. adults suffer from seasonal allergies. The Onion shares tips for managing allergic rhinitis symptoms. Try a nasal-removal spray. Politely ask the flowers in your neighborhood to stop blooming. Ask ADT about their anti-ragweed security systems. Teach the trees in your area that sexual reproduction is [...]The post Tips For Managing Seasonal Allergies appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WGQF)
A pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with the arrival of the four hatchlings being a first in the zoo's more than 150-year history. What do you think?The post Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHE)
The post White House Revokes Biden's Veneers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHD)
PALM BEACH, FL-Boasting that they were about to become gajillionaires" thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency.Uncle Elon told us all about how crypto works, and now we've built a mining rig that's gonna make us free money!" [...]The post Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHC)
LOUISVILLE, KY-Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman's lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star Wars: Episode IV-A New Hope. The 40-year-old logistics coordinator confirmed he had paid the sex worker Misty, as [...]The post Prostitute Falls Asleep During Star Wars' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHB)
The post Mall Escalator Spits Out Another Pile Of Bones appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGHA)
The pair were wed by the captain of their cruise ship while under the mistaken impression that it would get them a free pass to the lobster buffet.The post Jade Easton and Jeremy Sykes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WGH9)
Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.The post Mark Rodney appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WG40)
Mega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a cost with tickets for the multi-state lottery jumping in price from $2 to $5. What do you think?The post Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFZ3)
The post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFPB)
WASHINGTON-Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratchwould henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. Let me be clear: This man, whoattempted to park [...]The post Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFPA)
WASHINGTON-As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building's plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine-healthier, even," said Kennedy, who noted [...]The post RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP9)
LOS ANGELES-Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child. Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she [...]The post Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP8)
LOS ANGELES-In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. I'm just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all [...]The post Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried White Lotus' Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP7)
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND-With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestle released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3billion.We're excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks," CEO [...]The post Nestle Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP6)
It's new construction in your price range that's near a good school and your family with plenty of space for everything the future holds, so why are you so hesitant to pull the trigger? Reference #84735The post Everything You Always Wanted, Right? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFDY)
SAN ANTONIO-Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick Vitale. Unbelievable, folks, Walton Clayton Jr. is now heading up the rungs for a keepsake from this [...]The post Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFA9)
GREENBELT, MD-Decrying the deportation as wholly lawless," U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen [...]The post Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF8C)
A 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with family in Israel. What do you think?The post 3-Year-Old Discovers 3,800-Year-Old Amulet While On Family Outing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF5M)
WASHINGTON-As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources confirmed Monday that a page on the National Parks website had been revised to describe Harriet Tubman as a human trafficker. Operating between 1851 and 1862, the notorious human trafficker Harriet Tubman stole approximately 70 African Americans [...]The post Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker appeared first on The Onion.
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