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by The Onion Staff on (#73S79)
The post Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-08 10:48 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#73S4B)
If passed into law, the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act will create new barriers to voting in federal elections by requiring documentation of citizenship to register and imposing strict photo-identification rules at polling places. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the SAVE America Act. Q: What is the goal of the bill? [...]The post What To Know About The SAVE America Act appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73RYP)
WASHINGTON-Saying his advocacy for consuming animal products had painted a target on his back, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Monday that anti-protein extremists had left a head of lettuce on his doorstep. Yesterday morning when my wife went out to get the paper, she discovered a gruesome threat left by [...]The post RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73RYN)
NEW YORK-In an unprecedented effort to pour gas on the fire" and grow the popularity of the league, NHL officials announced Monday that it was launching a new $800 marketing campaign in a major push to attract new fans. Move over, NFL and NBA, because we are pulling out all the stops to make the [...]The post NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73RYM)
THE HEAVENS-Admitting He felt torn between His true feelings and His fear of the unknown, the Lord God Almighty announced Monday that He no longer loved humanity but was too afraid to leave. Any affection I ever had for the human race is long gone, but I'm just terrified at the thought of walking away [...]The post GodAdmitsHeNo LongerLovesHumanityButIsToo AfraidToLeave appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73RYK)
Mexico introduced tactical robot dogs as part of security preparations for the 2026 FIFA World Cup, with officials claiming the robotic units will assist police with surveillance, monitoring, and intervention operations during the international soccer tournament. What do you think?The post Mexico To Deploy Robotic Police Dogs For 2026 FIFA World Cup appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73RG6)
The post Olympians Showered With Mortadella Confetti During Milan Closing Ceremonies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QGG)
The Potomac River, a waterway that winds through the nation's capital, is in the midst of an ecological crisis after one of the largest sewage spills in U.S. history, with over 240 million gallons of raw human waste threatening the health of the river and the safety of those who depend on it. What do [...]The post Potomac River Flooded With 240 Million Gallons Of Sewage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QDY)
The post Alysa Liu Uses Gold Medal To Gauge Ear appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QDZ)
The post Trump Suffers Setback Unrelated To Child Rape appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QE0)
WASHINGTON-Exhausted from repeated efforts to explain the most basic aspect of political power, an aide to President Trump nevertheless began wearily explaining for the fifth time Friday why he couldn't pardon the former Prince Andrew. I know Andrew is a good man who's been treated terribly, but you remember when we learned a few minutes [...]The post Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can't Pardon Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QE1)
LONG BEACH, CA-Encouraging his child to puther language skills to good use, local father Paul Feldman urged his daughter Alice to show off her high school Spanish with a guy on the street speaking Spanish, sources confirmed Friday. This is a great opportunity to show off that B+ you gotinSenorShapiro's class," said Feldman, assuring his [...]The post Dad Urges Daughter To Show Off High School Spanish With Guy On Street Speaking Spanish appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73QBA)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Shifting uncomfortably in his chair and glancing around for the waiter, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was wondering if the fact his date kept describing her ex as crazy" was a red flag, sources confirmed Friday. She's going on and on about all this allegedly insane stuff he's said and done, but come [...]The post Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex Crazy' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73Q8K)
A U.S. district judge ruled Buffalo Wild Wings can continue to call its popular menu item boneless wings" even though they are essentially chicken nuggets." What do you think?The post Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using Boneless' Chicken On Menu appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73Q5R)
SAN ANTONIO-Remarking upon the charmed existence he had led since changing his course in life, former illustrator Allan Mansour confirmed Friday that the universe had practically been stumbling over itself to reward him for his decision to stop making art. Gosh, my bank account is full, my personal life is flourishing, I have the respect [...]The post Universe Practically Stumbling Over Itself To Reward Man's Decision To Stop Making Art appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73Q5Q)
The U.S. and New Zealand are the only two countries in the world that allow direct-to-consumer prescription drug advertising. The Onion examines the pros and cons of pharmaceutical ads. PRO Great way to learn about exciting new side effects Lets international tourists visiting U.S. know exactly what they're in for Good reminder to not take [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Drug Advertising appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73Q5P)
The post Kobe Bryant Mural Includes Graffitied Footnote About Eagle, Colorado appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73PPJ)
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet, widely known as the keto diet, can cure certain psychiatric conditions including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, citing a Harvard physician Dr. Pollan" who doesn't appear to exist. What do you think?The post RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73PPK)
NEW YORK-In a discovery that increased doubt about the popular diet trend, a study published Thursday by Columbia University researchers found that intermittent fasting was no more effective than conventional eating disorders. While abstaining from food for several hours has gained far-reaching acceptance in recent years, the evidence suggests that it produces comparable results to [...]The post Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9H)
AKRON, OH-Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation's friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce [...]The post Nation's Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9G)
HARTFORD CITY, IN-Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are [...]The post Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9F)
MILAN-Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a [...]The post Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73P9D)
Looksmaxxing," a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing. MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. [...]The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NNV)
WILLOW SPRINGS, IL-Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I'm like, uh, I guess?" [...]The post Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NK4)
South Korea's spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea's Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ND1)
SIOUX CITY, IA-Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us," [...]The post Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73ND0)
THE HEAVENS-Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body-how much simpler [...]The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73NCZ)
MEMPHIS, TN-Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is [...]The post Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor appeared first on The Onion.
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All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots
by The Onion Staff on (#73NCY)
LOS ANGELES-Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. They've called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set-it's a complete disaster," said an anonymous studio executive, [...]The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To Avengers: Doomsday' Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MXY)
Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and thought leadership." What do you think?The post Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MXZ)
LIVIGNO, ITALY-In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter Games coverage this week to demanding answers from Olympic athletes about what happens to their old drug-test urine. Madison, Evan, everyone's talking about the judging controversy that cost you gold, [...]The post Mike Tirico Keeps Asking Olympians What Happens To Old Drug-Test Urine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MTY)
WASHINGTON-Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. If they're not standing on that podium, they're traitors who should be [...]The post Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ5)
WASHINGTON-In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could help babies sweat out toxins." Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic-in a couple hours, your [...]The post RFK Jr.: Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ4)
ROCK ISLAND, IL-Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about how their grandfather was always there to mess up stuff their grandma had just cleaned. If there's one thing you could say about Grandpa, it's that he was continually tracking [...]The post Grandpa Remembered For Messing Up Stuff Grandma Just Cleaned appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73MJ3)
The post Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSZ)
VERNON HILLS, IL-Lacking the ability to transform her father's personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way. Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon [...]The post Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSY)
LONDON-Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane Austens!" said Mueller, who jumped on top of a chair [...]The post Bookseller Scrambles To Hide All The Classics After Seeing Emerald Fennell Approaching Door appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73KSX)
Catholics around the world will soon enter the Lenten season, an annual 40-day period of sacrifice, prayer, and repentance that ends on Easter Sunday. The Onion shares tips for observing Lent. Try starting with something shorter like Yom Kippur and working your way up. Check Google Maps for the nearest wanderable desert. Remind your children [...]The post Tips For Observing Lent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73JSJ)
PREDAZZO, ITALY-Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth's gravitational field in an attempt to gain a competitive advantage at the Winter Olympics. During a [...]The post Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth's Gravitational Field appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J9P)
WASHINGTON-Praising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director Kash Patel announced Friday that after almost two anguishing weeks, Savannah Guthrie had at last been located. This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York Citytownhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did [...]The post FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1E)
FORT MYERS, FL-Arriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling their coaches and peers, Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reported to the annual Spring Training Dance Friday, marking the official return of baseball ahead of full-squad workouts later this month. Witnesses confirmed players filed into [...]The post Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1D)
TrumpRx has officially launched. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new government website. Q: What is TrumpRx? A: A strange line item you'll see pop up on your credit card bill 15 times in a row. Q: What kinds of prescriptions can I get through TrumpRx? A: TrumpRx offers low-cost access [...]The post What To Know About TrumpRx appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1C)
LEAWOOD, KS-Struggling to contain his shock and amazement Friday when he recognized a familiar face on TV, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly yelled to his fiancee, Taylor Swift, Yo! Taylor! Have you seen this shit?" after happening upon a Lena Dunham sex scene for the first time. You gotta see this. This [...]The post Yo! Taylor! Have You Seen This Shit?' Yells Travis Kelce, Watching Lena Dunham Sex Scenes For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1B)
The bride (tacky) and groom (cheapskate) had a fucking cash bar at their reception.The post Wendy Tomalin and Lee Epsley appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J1A)
The post Skin of Omission appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J19)
The post I Don't Know How And It's Not My Event': Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73J18)
The post Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGS)
The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000 jobs compared to 1.46 million in 2024. What do you think?The post U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73HGT)
WASHINGTON-Hailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,"said TurningPointCEO Erika Kirk, adding thatthe island would be known as Port Rick," a mistranslation of Puerto Rico" that [...]The post Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico appeared first on The Onion.
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