| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-25 01:15 |
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on (#6NFG2)
WASHINGTON-Trying to find work to keep the new summer hires busy, officials at the National Archives tasked intern Haley Scholtz with singeing the edges of the U.S. Constitution on Wednesday to make it look old. Just burn it around the margins a bit so it looks old-timey," said archivist Kevin McManus, telling...Read more...
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on (#6NFG3)
SAN DIEGO-Saying the product makes it possible to toss canines with greater ease than ever, Petco began sales this week of a new automatic dog launcher capable of throwing pets more than 30 feet through the air. Our Flying Fur launcher takes the hard work out of flinging your dog across the yard, allowing you to...Read more...
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on (#6NFG4)
WASHINGTON-Drawing stunned gasps from onlookers as he donned his signature eye patch and leather jacket, the man once known as President Joe Biden revealed Wednesday that he is, in fact, Delta Force operative Captain Robert Scott, on a mission since 1973 to investigate a major government cover-up. Ladies and...Read more...
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on (#6NEKP)
SARASOTA, FL-As the sudden appearance of his ancestors drew the bird several feet closer to the Boeing 747's turbine, local goose Chester Hanson was reportedly comforted Tuesday by visions of his long-dead relatives beckoning him into a jet engine. Mom? Dad? Uncle Henry?" said the 3-year-old Canada goose, who...Read more...
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on (#6NEKQ)
ROCHESTER, MN-Concluding the lack of skill was responsible for nearly 50 million tons of meat being discarded across the nation each year, a new study released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Minnesota Rochester found that over 80% of food waste resulted from half-assed chicken wing eating techniques....Read more...
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on (#6NDS8)
Caitlin Clark, who rose to fame while playing basketball at the University of Iowa, recently became embroiled in controversy during her WNBA debut for the Indiana Fever. The Onion interviewed Clark about her basketball career, her $21 million Nike deal, and what it's like being one of the most hotly debated female...Read more...
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on (#6NDPN)
NEW YORK-Following a five-year, multimillion dollar effort that surveyed citizens across the globe, a Columbia University study published Monday found that the pile remains the world's most popular stack. Our findings suggest that due to its versatility, style, and ease of use, piles are still the preferred...Read more...
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on (#6NDPP)
CHICAGO-Saying he had long ago developed the skills necessary to keep his rental properties one inspection away from being condemned, local landlord Bogdan Popescu told reporters Monday he prided himself on doing all his own code violations. Why should I pay to hire a plumber or an electrician when I can install a...Read more...
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on (#6NDPQ)
THE HEAVENS-Describing the experience as among the most painful a father can go through, the Lord God Almighty opened up to reporters Monday about the struggle of losing His only son to video game addiction. What really gets to Me is seeing this wonderful, bright, loving child lose His divine spark and spiral deeper...Read more...
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on (#6NDK5)
Looks abandoned enough. Grab a sleeping bag and move right in.Read more...
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on (#6NBW6)
NEW YORK-Expressing his intention to spare no expense during his stay at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, wealthy patient Duncan Barrow reportedly ordered three of each procedure upon his admittance to the facility Friday. You know what, all of these surgical interventions you have look so good-I'll just take three...Read more...
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on (#6NBW7)
CHELMSFORD, ENGLAND-Interrupting his hushed narration about the inanimate bird's majesty as he observed it from a small boat, an embarrassed David Attenborough reportedly realized Friday that he had just spent the past 10 minutes describing the stillness of a duck decoy. The male mallard is a temperate...Read more...
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on (#6NBW8)
THE HEAVENS-Despite the deity swearing He had secured that piece of shit" properly, millions were confirmed dead Friday after God, Our Heavenly Father, accidentally dropped His air-conditioning unit out of heaven. Oh fuck, I don't know what happened-one minute I'm trying to prop up the AC, and the next it's hurdling...Read more...
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on (#6NBA6)
MISSOULA, MT-Despite extensive evidence collected over the course of the evening, a study conducted Wednesday was officially deemed inconclusive after it failed to identify whose water glass belonged to whom. Experts claimed that despite rigorous inquiries into matters such as Whose is that?" and Is that mine?" the...Read more...
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on (#6NB6X)
BETHESDA, MD-Shedding new light on the dangers of rope tied into a hangman's knot, a study from the National Institutes of Health released Thursday found that the suicide rate was higher among noose owners. Some people may think they need a noose to defend their home from intruders, but the sad truth is that those...Read more...
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on (#6NB1D)
SHANGHAI-In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere," a Temu spokesperson told...Read more...
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on (#6NACN)
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL-Describing the serene smile that spread across the 87-year-old's face, sources reported that local grandfather Murray Lowe's eyes lit up Wednesday as he recalled his halcyon days as a regular at his town's Old Country Buffet. There was a sparkle in his eyes as he talked of all the good times he...Read more...
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on (#6NA3T)
WAUKESHA, WI-Describing the release as a breathtaking glimpse of the four-piece working together at their very best, indie rock act Order of Magnitude's latest album was reportedly touted as their finest work yet" in a statement penned by bassist Karl Weber. After a period that marked the greatest turmoil the Order...Read more...
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on (#6NA3V)
HARRISBURG, PA-Stressing that they began researching their options before she was even born, local parents Jen and Greg Flannery told reporters Wednesday they devoted every second possible to getting their daughter into a good harem. It's a lot of work, but we know that getting her into the right brothel with the...Read more...
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on (#6NA3W)
This tiny house offers an economical alternative to larger, more expensive mausoleums that might be too much space for younger millennial corpses.Read more...
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on (#6N9HB)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying he was deeply sorry about any pain his recent remarks about WNBA star Caitlin Clark might have caused, sports commentator Pat McAfee announced Tuesday that he would make a donation to a charity that helps white bitches. After pausing to reflect on the views I expressed on my ESPN show yesterday, I...Read more...
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on (#6N96R)
CHICAGO-Stewing in envy as it observed its adjacent neighbor, local big toe Stubs McPherson told reporters Tuesday that it would kill to be a slender, graceful second toe. She has no idea how good she has it," said McPherson, who claimed that no matter how many runs it went on or extra walks it squeezed into the day,...Read more...
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on (#6N96T)
WASHINGTON-Saying they couldn't remember exactly why they'd written off the talented, charismatic, and attractive celebrity, 340 million Americans confessed to reporters Tuesday that they had forgotten what it was they didn't like about the late O.J. Simpson. Huh, I always remember loving O.J., and I have no idea...Read more...
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on (#6N96S)
POCATELLO, ID-Still surging ahead at full speed after 48 hours without sleep, local man Henry Britto spoke quickly with reporters this week about how he was riding his manic episode straight to the fucking stars. Wooooooo! I'm gonna fly this shit all the way to the moon, baby!" said a visibly beaming Britto, his eyes...Read more...
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on (#6N8P2)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to respond to rising concerns about immigration, President Joe Biden signed an executive order Monday to deport all 340 million Americans and start the country over from scratch. Effective immediately, I am ordering the swift removal of all men, women, and children from American soil to...Read more...
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on (#6N8NM)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study from the Pew Research Center, only 1 in 3 Americans are able to name their elected representative's corporate donors. This is an alarming statistic that shows a profound lack of civic knowledge in this country," said study co-author Rania Hassan, who polled 30,000 U.S. citizens and...Read more...
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on (#6N8NN)
ATLANTA-Several years after ceasing donations to anti-LGBT organizations and taking steps to unravel the culture of homophobia rampant in its restaurants, Chick-fil-A joined fellow brands in celebrating Pride Month on Monday, admitting that it sometimes enjoyed prostate stimulation. While we can't go so far as to say...Read more...
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on (#6N8NP)
WASHINGTON-Saying threats were at record levels after the recent presidential election in Mexico, the Senate passed emergency border funding Monday to prevent female leadership from spreading to the United States. Given the very disturbing trend of empowerment and gender equality currently developing south of the...Read more...
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on (#6N8GE)
SAN DIEGO-Trying to get her children's attention as they played with their friends, a visibly frustrated local gorilla mother reportedly spent Monday constantly reminding her children to slouch. How many times do I have to tell you to stand crooked?" said mother of four April Grunt, tapping on her eldest's back to...Read more...
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on (#6N88C)
Nikki Haley recently came under fire for a photo that has surfaced from her trip to Israel in which she can be seen writing the words Finish them! AmericaRead more...
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on (#6N6XZ)
PLAINS, GA-On the heels of Donald Trump receiving guilty verdicts on 34 felony counts in New York, Jimmy Carter became the second president ever convicted of a crime Friday after a jury found he broke numerous laws while sticking up a Waffle House near his home in Georgia. Today's verdict shows that the rule of law...Read more...
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on (#6N6GF)
WASHINGTON-Whistling a spirited tune as he tackled his inbox Friday, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was seen taking a flattened possum from a pile of work and neatly filing the remains in a folder labeled Roadkill." There you go, right between pigeon and pronghorn antelope," said the secretary, who had...Read more...
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on (#6N6FR)
SAN FRANCISCO-In an effort to better cater to its target market, telehealth company Hims has reportedly begun selling bags of chips for depressed, impotent losers who are also hungry. Experiencing anxiety? ED? A rumble in your tummy? Hims can help," says a voiceover in the company's latest ad, which touts the...Read more...
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on (#6N654)
NEW YORK-In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episode of MILF Manor....Read more...
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