The Onion

Dr. Andrea Worth, a researcher at Harvard University, explains how her team's work over the past three years has concluded that you are completely and utterly goddamn boned.The post Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You're Fucked appeared first on The Onion.

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend that they don't have to be strong just because they're the reigning WWE heavyweight [...]The post Tips For Checking In On Friends' Mental Health appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Lashing furiously at each other's faces with their flailing hands, the Trump boys were reportedly engaged in a slap fight Friday over who would get to run their dad's foreign policy meetings. No, you got to do it last time, Eric-it's my turn, it's mine!" said Donald Trump Jr., who flinched and cried [...]The post Trump Boys Have Slap Fight Over Who Gets To Run Foreign Policy Meetings appeared first on The Onion.

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CHAPPAQUA, NY-Pressing her finger to the recently defeated candidate's lips and urging her not to be afraid, a cloaked Hillary Clinton reportedly beckoned Kamala Harris to follow her into the woods Thursday morning. Come, it's time for you to join me beyond the pines-surrender yourself to the embrace of nature," said the 2016 Democratic presidential [...]The post Cloaked Hillary Clinton Beckons Harris To Follow Her Into Woods appeared first on The Onion.

John Owens died right on the money Sunday at the average U.S. male life expectancy of 74.8 years old.The post John Owens appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Calling on all Democrats to step up and donate in the wake of Donald Trump's victory in the 2024 presidential election, a fundraising email sent out Wednesday by the Democratic National Committee pleaded for a donation of $20 to help cheer them up. ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning [...]The post DNC Email Pleads For $20 To Cheer Them Up appeared first on The Onion.

STEWARTSTOWN, PA-With Donald Trump decisively winning a second term as president, local sources reported this week that those tireless civil rights crusaders weren't so smug now, were they? This ought to shut up those self-satisfied supporters of civil rights for a while," said Trump voter Henry Pluss, stressing that it was about time somebody put [...]The post Tireless Civil Rights Crusaders Not So Smug Now appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a historic outcome that promised to halt the rising scourge of the United States in its tracks, America has defeated America at the ballot box, sources confirmed Wednesday. After 248 years of tense and often divisive conflict, we can finally say, as of this morning, that the nation turned out at the polls and [...]The post America Defeats America appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the Chairman of the Board," residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an increasingly bizarre coping mechanism, the deeply unwell Americans-regardless of their age, their cultural background, or what part of the [...]The post Mentally Broken Nation Starts Dressing, Speaking Like Frank Sinatra appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning to congratulate himself on winning. Madame Vice President, I want to be the first to congratulate myself on running one heck of a campaign, and to let you know I'm [...]The post Trump Calls Harris To Congratulate Himself On Winning appeared first on The Onion.

The happy couple exchanged nuptial vows after meeting four years ago on the dating app WeFuck.The post James Howington IV and Charlotte Glass-Genevoix appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn't release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on your jammies. The results are in, the 47th president of the United States has been chosen, and all the [...]The post Election Officials Announce Results Won't Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Squirming and saying no, no, no" while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife's election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources reported Tuesday. Okay, Doug, I know it's exciting to watch Kamala run for president, but [...]The post Doug Emhoff Forced To Sit In Corner Of Election Party After Getting Too Hyper appeared first on The Onion.

FOXBOROUGH, MA-Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. I think 65,000 seats should be enough to fit everyone, but we can always have overflow in the parking lot if [...]The post Confident Jill Stein Goes With Stadium For Election Party appeared first on The Onion.

PALM SPRINGS, FL-Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm's reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. I can't deal with all this election stuff, so I'm just going to ignore it all and binge Gilmore Girls," said the former president, [...]The post Anxious Trump Spends Election Night Watching Old Gilmore Girls' Episodes In Bed appeared first on The Onion.

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DOYLESTOWN, PA-Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for [...]The post Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes.Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great," Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their [...]The post Stressed Nation Asks Obama If It Can Bum 340 Million Cigarettes appeared first on The Onion.

CEDARBURG, WI-Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. I just don't know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make [...]The post Uninformed Citizen Scrambling To Research Last 2,500 Years Of Democracy Before Voting appeared first on The Onion.

HARRISBURG, PA-Pursing his lips while he examined the I Vorted" sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn't a legitimate polling site. I was headed into the community center, but then this woman out front directed me to the [...]The post Man Wearing I Vorted' Sticker Beginning To Worry That Wasn't Legitimate Polling Place appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending machines. Projections show that by the time polls close, approximately two-thirds of the U.S. electorate will have turned out and, [...]The post Report: High Turnout Traced To Americans Mistakenly Voting On Vending Machine appeared first on The Onion.

The perfect three-bed, one-bath home for six bandmates, your girlfriends, and all your gear. Reference #378314The post Single-Band Home appeared first on The Onion.

MALIBU, CA-Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a Cheez-It on his kitchen floor. Today, I'm calling on the White House to move with swiftness and urgency to provide me [...]The post RFK Jr. Demands Secret Service Protection After Finding Cheez-It On Kitchen Floor appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. Oh, my tummy hurts real bad-definitely shouldn't have had so many, but they looked so good," the 459-pound Don Jr. said [...]The post Morbidly Obese Trump Boys Regret Eating So Many Ballots appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-As part of a public campaign to prevent the state's residents from being turned away at the polls, Georgia officials reminded voters Thursday that they would need to bring two forms of weapon to their voting place in order to intimidate election workers. Access to poll workers will only be guaranteed to those who arrive [...]The post Georgia Officials Remind Voters To Bring 2 Forms Of Weapon To Intimidate Election Workers appeared first on The Onion.

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American voters are approaching the 2024 presidential election with deep unease about what could follow, including the potential for political violence, attempts to overturn the election results, and its broader implications for democracy. What do you think?The post Nation Braces For Potential Post-Election Violence appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation's impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. Tee-hee-hee! You'd like to know who we think is the candidate of change in these troubled times, wouldn't you?" said registered [...]The post Nation's Impish Swing Voters Announce They Have Little Surprise In Store appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Forging an unlikely alliance with the dorky" team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight endTravis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him pass NFL concussion protocol.I can do all the physical stuff like balance just fine, but when they get to all those tricky questions like What year is it? What month [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks Nerd For Help Passing Concussion Protocol appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Asserting that the pair had not been close for decades" prior to the financier's death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein was severed after a dispute over dibs on the former president's daughter Ivanka Trump. We had a very good time for many years, but it was unfortunately Ivanka [...]The post Trump Admits Relationship With Epstein Severed After Dispute Over Dibs On Ivanka appeared first on The Onion.

BRYANT POND, ME-Describing the moment as a transformative experience" thatinspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping.One moment I was asleep in bed, and the next, my boxerswere absolutelysoaked with what could only be the urine of [...]The post Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk claimed that if Donald Trump puts him in charge of government efficiency, as planned, he can cut at least $2 trillion" from the current federal budget, saying spending cuts imposed by the commission would necessarily involve some temporary hardship." What do you think?The post Elon Musk Claims Trump Economic Plan Would Cause Hardship appeared first on The Onion.

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BERLIN-In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator's last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Fuhrerbunker. After unearthing the telegraph titled Freunde, es ist Adolf' and dated April 24, 1945 amongst archival files, we quickly realized that the document contained [...]The post Historians Unearth Final Fundraising Telegraph Hitler Sent From Bunker appeared first on The Onion.