The Onion

COLUMBUS, OH-Finally closing the doors on its last remaining outlet after getting rid of an unwieldy stockpile of variety goods, the discount retailer Big Lots ceased operations Wednesday following a therapy program in which the company's roughly 30,000 employees confronted their self-destructive hoarding tendencies. In retrospect, it's almost funny that I had so many throw [...]The post Big Lots Closes All Stores After Therapist Helps Company Work Through Hoarding Tendencies appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following reports that the president was troubled" and disturbed" by images coming out of Gaza, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters that Donald Trump was examined by a doctor after he acknowledged the existence of suffering earlier this week. It's possible that his statement recognizing starving children in Gaza was just a case [...]The post Trump Examined By Doctor After Acknowledging Existence Of Suffering appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Describing the data as good news in an otherwise troubling area of research, a study released Wednesday by the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health found a refreshingly low amount of shovel violence across the country. Despite high levels of shovel ownership in the United States, what we are seeing is an encouragingly low number [...]The post Study Finds Refreshingly Low Amount Of Shovel Violence appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS-In a move already being described as one of the most surprising transactions in NBA history, Dallas Mavericks general manager Nico Harrison confirmed Tuesday that he had traded all of the team's basketballs to the Brooklyn Nets in exchange for cash considerations. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to position your franchise for success, [...]The post Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team's Basketballs appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite the president's sagging approval rating overall, a Gallup Poll released Tuesday confirmed that Donald Trump's support remained overwhelmingly strong among working-class American pedophiles. Even though his polling numbers among Americans who are not sexually attracted to children have hit a second-term low, the president's approval rating is still an impressive 80% among child rapists [...]The post Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing frustration with his inability to duplicate the president's bulbousness caused by trapped fluid, body double John Schade was reportedly struggling Tuesday to get the appearance of Donald Trump's leg edema just right. One glance at my ankles and they'll know something's off," said the presidential political decoy who bemoaned that there was only so [...]The post Trump Body Double Struggling To Get Leg Edema Just Right appeared first on The Onion.

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CLEARWATER, FL-After undergoing a medical emergency and dying last week at the age of 71, Hulk Hogan's spasming cadaver reportedly lifted a mortician high above its head Monday and body slammed the professional. At approximately 1:34 p.m., Hulk Hogan's deceased corpse underwent spontaneous convulsions, at which point the cadaver bolted upright, ripped off its body [...]The post Hulk Hogan's Spasming Cadaver Body Slams Mortician appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Shortening the 50-day deadline he had previously given Vladimir Putin to put a stop to the war-torn country, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday he was now giving the Russian leader just 10 or 12 days" to end Ukraine once and for all. I'm disappointed in President Putin, who has failed to halt this [...]The post Trump Gives Russia 10-Day Deadline To End Ukraine appeared first on The Onion.

CAGLIARI, ITALY-Groaning as they both realized the other unclothed person on the water was indeed their ex, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom reportedly pretended not to see each other Monday when they inadvertently crossed paths while naked paddleboarding off the coast of Sardinia. Oh no, you've got to be kidding me-what the hell is he [...]The post Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom Awkwardly Pretend Not To See Each Other While Out Naked Paddleboarding appeared first on The Onion.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-Causing widespread frustration among women who dared to search for love in middle adulthood, an update to the popular dating app Tinder reportedly began classifying female user ages over 35 this week as system errors. I was trying to set up my profile, but I kept getting the same Birthday Invalid' error message [...]The post Tinder Update Classifies Female Age Input Over 35 As System Error appeared first on The Onion.

Without knowledge of proper safety measures, a strong current can turn a relaxing day at the beach into a deadly nightmare. Here are some tips for surviving a rip current: Do not try to swim against the current, but rather at a 34-degree angle relative to the wind, increasing by a factor of five for [...]The post Tips For Surviving A Rip Current appeared first on The Onion.

On Monday, Tyler, The Creator released his ninth studio album, Don't Tap The Glass. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Vans store Birth Name: Tyler, The Friendly Ghost Genre: Guy-who-has-a-pet-tarantula rap Vocal Range: Subwoofer Vocal Signature: Can make the sound a cat makes before throwing up HTML Coding Level: [...]The post Artist Profile: Tyler, The Creator appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Despite numerous reports that the performance was just absolutely fantastic," nobody in the audience of a recent James Taylor concert had functional enough knees to give the Fire And Rain" singer a standing ovation. I loved it," said 85-year-old audience member Cheryl Feinstein, one of the roughly 3,000 decrepit fans in attendance who called for [...]The post No One In James Taylor Audience Has Functional Enough Knees To Give Standing Ovation appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Discussing his preparation for the role during a press junket for the Marvel film,Fantastic Fourstar Pedro Pascal told reporters Friday that he had spent months working with a trainer to be able to stretch his limbs up to 50 feet. The moment I got the call that I was playing Mister Fantastic, I got [...]The post Fantastic Four's Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet appeared first on The Onion.

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John Alford, 81, leaves behind his 2006 Chrysler Sebring, 120,000 miles, $2,900. Local pickup only.The post John Alford appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In another dramatic twist in the ongoing scandal involving the late sex trafficker, sources confirmed this week that U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi previously informed President Donald Trump that his name was tattooed all over Jeffrey Epstein's body. During a routine Oval Office briefing, Bondi mentioned that Trump's name was inked on every inch of [...]The post AG Informed Trump His Name Tattooed All Over Epstein's Body appeared first on The Onion.

TALLAHASSEE, FL-Perplexed that the Department of Justice had chosen a setting with such strange decor to ask her about Jeffrey Epstein's co-conspirators, Ghislaine Maxwell confirmed Thursday that she couldn't help but notice her interview room was covered in plastic sheeting. Wow, you've got the whole room tarped up-you guys doing some painting later?" said Maxwell [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Can't Help But Notice Interview Room Covered In Plastic Sheeting appeared first on The Onion.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has hinted that more changes are coming to TSA following the end of the agency's shoe removal policy. Here is a selection of the new security rules coming to the nation's airports: Agents will personally thank white couples traveling with white children. Mandatory ridiculing of bad driver's license photos Any [...]The post All The Changes Kristi Noem Is Making To TSA appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he hoped the break would keep his party focused on the America First agenda, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) announced plans Thursday for the House of Representatives to take a short recess as he doused the U.S. Capitol in gasoline. We know that the American people are best served by putting an end to these [...]The post The House Will Take A Short Recess,' Declares Mike Johnson Dousing Capitol In Gasoline appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Following federal cuts to utility bill assistance programs, the Department of Health and Human Services released guidance Thursday advising low-income seniors to stay cool by wallowing in the mud. With summer temperatures soaring, it's more important than ever that older Americans are taking the time to lower their bodies into slop," said Health Secretary Robert [...]The post HHS Advises Low-Income Seniors To Wallow In Mud To Stay Cool appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Instinctively lowering themselves into a defensive crouch while awaiting the return of the eerily absent audio cue, Manhattan residents reportedly remained on alert Thursday after a sunrise unaccompanied by languid clarinet music. Every day, as long as I can remember, I would roll out of bed to a soulful clarinet solo scoring the sun's [...]The post Manhattan On Alert Following Sunrise Unaccompanied By Languid Clarinet Music appeared first on The Onion.

This wedding took a bizarre turn Saturday after the groom willingly engaged in a perverted family tradition in which he slow-danced with his own mother.The post Brian King and Sylvia Rinaldi appeared first on The Onion.

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This warm and beckoning glow is conveniently located just beyond your grasp, but if you run toward it you just might find the calming space you've always been looking for. Reference #228745The post The Light appeared first on The Onion.

A memorial will be held Saturday for Barbara Stratton, 77, at which her remains will be raffled off to one lucky mourner.The post Barbara Stratton appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Following recommendations from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, GE issued a recall Wednesday for 150,000 washing machines that repeatedly failed to pleasure lonely housewives as intended. Certain front-loading washer models have been recalled due to a motor issue that prevents the machines from properly bringing sexually frustrated housewives to shuddering climax," said product safety [...]The post GE Recalls Washing Machines That Failed To Pleasure Lonely Housewives appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Shedding a single tear as rows of ramen shops and luxury apartments shrunk in the distance, 26-year-old marine Hunter Wade reportedly wondered Tuesday what would become of the innocent Angelenos he was leaving behind as his CH-53E Super Stallion helicopter ascended into the sky. We tried to help as many as we could, but [...]The post Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Experiencing a sudden change of heart, longtime workaholic Eli Kaplan reportedly realized Monday that attending his son's baseball game was far more important than his job as a top civil rights attorney. It's about time that I finally got my priorities straight," said Kaplan while sitting at the baseball field, revealing that he had previously [...]The post Workaholic Father Finally Realizes Son's Baseball GameMore Important Than Civil Rights Law appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In response to countless posts and online petitions in the nearly 10 years since the fast food giant discontinued the fan-favorite menu item, McDonald's officials announced this week that they had brought back the beloved Snack Rat. The groundswell of energy for the Snack Rat to return has been wonderful, so of course we had [...]The post McDonald's Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-Touting its latest offering as the most efficient pregnancy test on the market, diagnostic product maker Clearblue unveiled a handheld mirror Tuesday for easily checking to see if there's a baby up there.Receive fast and precise results almost instantly just by looking in the reflection of the Clearblue Rapid-Detection Hand Mirror for any evidence that [...]The post Clearblue Introduces New Handheld Mirror For Checking If Baby Up There appeared first on The Onion.

The groom added the bride to his harem of devoted wives, solidifying the count at a firm dozen.The post Hayley Greenwood and Tom Nelson appeared first on The Onion.

Some MAGA supporters are turning on President Trump after he walked back campaign promises to declassify information about deceased financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Here is everything you need to know about the Epstein files. Q: Why are people so interested in the Epstein case? A: It's the only example of money and [...]The post What To Know About The Epstein Files appeared first on The Onion.

DES MOINES, IA-Rushing to deploythe temporary infrastructure as a heatwave enveloped the region, Iowa officials announced Monday that they would open emergency cooling stations to provide relief to mayo-based dishes. Effective immediately, we're installing portable air-conditioners and power misters across the state to ensure our mayonnaise-filled salads make it through this heatwave safely," said Emergency [...]The post Iowa Opens Emergency Cooling Stations For Mayo-Based Dishes appeared first on The Onion.