 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7H)
MARYVILLE, TN-Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale [...]The post Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-08-17 02:32 |
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7G)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. We just thought we'd let everybody know that serving tongs are not there for decoration, they [...]The post FDA Issues Passive-Aggressive Reminder That Serving Tongs There For A Reason appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7F)
The post Drake Catches Himself Singing Not Like Us' In The Shower appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WV7E)
Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy. 1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina Maria Sivori and God. 1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different [...]The post Timeline Of Pope Francis' Life appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WTBB)
NEW YORK-Claiming it was the only way to protect one's assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on," said J.P. [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WTBA)
WASHINGTON-Declaring that there was no better time for the U.S. populace to go cold turkey, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly attempted to flush the nation's antidepressants this week. Listen, I found these in your medicine cabinet," said Kennedy, the 71-year-old Cabinet member stunning Americans in all 50 states as he [...]The post RFK Jr. Flushes Nation's Antidepressants appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB9)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation's aquariums to commercial fishing. Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America's protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling," Trump [...]The post Trump Opens Up Nation's Aquariums To Commercial Fishing appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB8)
While eating dinner at a D.C. restaurant, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief who stole her driver's license, passport, department access badge, medication, makeup bag, blank checks, the keys to her home, and about $3,000 in cash. What do you think?The post Kristi Noem's Handbag Containing $3,000 Stolen From D.C. Restaurant appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WTB7)
The post Thrift Store Categorizes Inflatable Birthing Tub As Decor appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQP)
White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.The post Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQQ)
Pope Francis, the Catholic Church's first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think?The post Pope Francis Dead At 88 appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQR)
THE HEAVENS-Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I'm currently in kind [...]The post God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSQS)
VATICAN CITY-Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis' children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father's death. While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family's need [...]The post Pope Francis' Children Ask For Privacy Following Father's Death appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSJ5)
WASHINGTON-Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers [...]The post Unpopular Pete HegsethForced To Drink Lunch Alone appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF7)
WORCESTER, MA-Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. Is my memory playing tricks on me, or did I not just flay and disembowel that guy two weeks ago?" [...]The post Serial Killer Could Have Sworn He Killed That Guy Already appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF6)
CHICAGO-Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that grief is the price we pay for love" as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. Opening yourself up to true love unfortunately means leaving yourself vulnerable to experiencing the deep, sorrowful pain of having eaten it," [...]The post Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love,' Reports Man Clutching Empty Package Of Salami appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WSF5)
The post Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In Cool, Daddy Cool' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY7)
The colossal squid, the heaviest invertebrate in the world, was captured on video swimming in the deep sea for the first time since it was identified a century ago. What do you think?The post Colossal Squid Caught On Camera In Deep Sea For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY8)
VATICAN CITY-Saying he couldn't help but think I told you so" in the wake of the bishop of Rome's death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner telling Pope Francis to ease off the butter. Yesterday I kept telling him, Your Holiness, [...]The post Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRY9)
WASHINGTON-Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship." Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries," said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea [...]The post Pete Hegseth: There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRVW)
President Trump's trade war has inspired a new TikTok trend of Chinese manufacturers encouraging shoppers to buy direct and pay less, highlighting American consumers' desperation to avoid massive tariff-induced price increases while being accused of misrepresenting the products they sell. What do you think?The post TikTok Trend Urges Americans To Buy Directly From Chinese Manufacturers appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP6)
LOS ANGELES-Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator Dan Erickson announced Monday that the TV show's next season would be released solely as episode recaps on Vulture.com. After some debate in the writers' room, we concluded that 500-word write-ups in New York magazine's pop culture [...]The post Severance' Creator Says Next Season Of Show Will Solely Be Released As TV Recaps On Vulture.com appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP5)
The post Solitary Consignment appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP4)
The post Red Sox Fans Screaming Racial Slurs Throughout Mascot Race appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP3)
WASHINGTON-Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of reality. Hurry inside, boys and girls, for there are many trinkets and treats to be found [...]The post Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRP2)
Experts recommend that every family keep a go bag," a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss Army knife, will come in handy when you need to laboriously [...]The post Tips For Packing A Go Bag' appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WRVX)
VATICAN CITY-Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter's Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a result of eating an entire bag of jelly beans. Ugh, no-I promised myself I'd just [...]The post Pope Francis Back In Hospital After Eating Entire Bag Of Jelly Beans appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFF)
Four ant smugglers pleaded guilty after being caught by the Kenyan Wildlife Service attempting to sneak hundreds of giant African harvester ants out of the country, which are valued by some exotic animal dealers at over $200 each. What do you think?The post 4 Men Caught Smuggling Hundreds Of Ants appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFG)
Colossal Biosciences claims it has brought back the dire wolf, a species that went extinct thousands of years ago, by editing the genes of gray wolves. The Onion examines the pros and cons of resurrecting extinct species. PRO: No other problems for science to tackle right now CON: Some of them are bugs PRO: New [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Bringing Back Extinct Species appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQFH)
The post Trump: The Only Gun Guy To Stop Bad Gun With Good Guy' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQCZ)
Food scientists discovered that Postia stiptica, a type of mushroom found in the U.K. and Ireland, contains a chemical identified as the most bitter-tasting substance ever found. What do you think?The post Scientists Identify Most Bitter-Tasting Substance appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD0)
SANTA FE, NM-Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple's living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they were not sure why they kept sharing details of Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa's deaths. We have no [...]The post Even Investigators Not Sure Why They Keep Releasing Details Of Gene Hackman's Death appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQD1)
AUGUSTA, ME-In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. Well, well, well, what do we have here?" U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up [...]The post DOJ Plants Gun On Maine appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7S)
AMESVILLE, OH-Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked.Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn't even bother to lock up [...]The post Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7R)
NEW YORK-Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it's clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping [...]The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7Q)
WASHINGTON-In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we'd like to put that to rest by letting [...]The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WQ7P)
Sammy Gertz, 41, passed away Tuesday while bravely fighting off a horde of restaurant patrons attempting to give her the Heimlich maneuver.The post Sammy Gertz appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPTZ)
EAST HANOVER, NJ-As part of the health secretary's highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedlyshouted Show me where autism is made!" Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no [...]The post Show Me Where You Make Autism!' Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPR7)
The post Nation Can't Believe It On Harvard's Side appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN5)
A curio shop owner was arrested and charged for allegedly selling genuine human remains" online, attempting to pass them off as educational models." What do you think?The post Woman Charged With Selling Human Bones On Facebook Marketplace appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN6)
WASHINGTON-Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife's head back on after fumbling the second lady. No, no, no, no!" cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance's head slipped from his grasp and tumbled onto the [...]The post JD Vance Rushes To Put Wife's Head Back On After Fumbling Second Lady appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPN7)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics [...]The post Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH1)
CHICAGO-Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation's sovereign can be a rocky period in a child's life, [...]The post Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPH0)
CHICAGO-Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+.I just linked my iPad up to my Apple ID, and apparently my Meat Pass has been activated and I've been enrolled in [...]The post New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+ appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPGZ)
Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder. Reference #19827The post Neoclassical Gem appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6WPGY)
Coachella, the annual music festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, CA, has wrapped up the first of its two weekends. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the event. $300: For MDMA that turned out to be fucking sugar pills 4: Fresh deer carcasses specified in Lady [...]The post Coachella By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WP2M)
A man is in custody after scaling an iron security fence in the middle of the night, eluding police, and breaking into the Pennsylvania governor's mansion where he set a fire, claiming he would have attacked Governor Shapiro with a hammer if he happened upon him inside the residence. What do you think?The post Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor's Mansion appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMS)
WILMINGTON, DE-Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. Oh gosh, that's not good, is it?" said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child's uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother's oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands [...]The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMR)
ARLINGTON, VA-In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord [...]The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6WNMQ)
The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.
|