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on (#6NV59)
ATLANTA-Leaving millions of viewers across the nation alarmed and confused, CNN reportedly cut to black Thursday as Hillary Clinton rushed the presidential debate stage. The moderator had just asked Trump and Biden a question about Ukraine when suddenly the camera started shaking, and there she was," said 38-year-old...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 23:30 |
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on (#6NV3W)
WASHINGTON-With the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle airing tonight, Americans across the country told reporters Thursday that they couldn't believe they were saying this, but they don't want to watch TV. I know it sounds crazy, but I have absolutely zero urge to turn on my TV tonight," said Ohio...Read more...
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on (#6NV1V)
ATLANTA-Checking in at the building's visitor desk under the singular name Janitor," the Trump boys reportedly broke into an office at CNN headquarters Thursday, attempting to steal the debate answers for their father. All we gotta do is find Mr. Tapper's office and steal the answer key," said Don Jr. to his brother...Read more...
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on (#6NTZM)
Tesla has recalled its Cybertruck for the fourth time since the vehicle went on sale Nov. 30 due to an error with the windshield wiper controller getting too much electrical current, causing it to stop working. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6NTX0)
During the London performance of her Eras tour, pop star Taylor Swift surprised the audience with a cameo from her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, during the introduction to her song I Can Do It With A Broken Heart," with Kelce appearing in costume in a full tuxedo, top hat, and bow tie. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NTKZ)
Before the first presidential debate of 2024, CNN has released a list of rules and regulations that both candidates must follow. The following are the guidelines that President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump must adhere to during their 90 minutes on stage.
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on (#6NT2F)
The pair of NASA astronauts who flew Boeing's Starliner capsule to the International Space Station on June 6 have been delayed from returning several times, with their departure date getting pushed from June 18, to the 22nd, to the 26th, and now an unannounced new date as issues with the capsule continue to crop up....Read more...
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on (#6NT0F)
President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump are set to face off for the first presidential debate of 2024 in Atlanta, GA. The Onion breaks down the most critical facts and figures of the highly anticipated CNN debate, hosted by Jake Tapper and Dana Bash.
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on (#6NT0G)
SANTA CRUZ, CA-Staring in awe as the gasping, waddling figure struggled to pull himself to shore, eye witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a naked man spotted emerging from the ocean must have just finished evolving. Oh my god, look at that thing, it's making its way out of the water and, for the first time, using its...Read more...
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on (#6NSPT)
MANACOR, SPAIN-Expressing regret about missing the amazing event," Rafael Nadal announced this week that he has officially withdrawn from Wimbledon in order to spend more time pressing his tennis racket against his face to make waffle marks, adding that he would now be referred to as Waffle Face. As I near...Read more...
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on (#6NSPV)
LONDON-In an effort to correct the imperial power's past wrongs, London's Science Museum was reportedly forced Wednesday to return the fire exhibit originally plundered from the gods. After extensive negotiations with the deities, we are proud to announce that fire will soon be returned to its rightful home on Mount...Read more...
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on (#6NSJF)
MOSCOW-In an effort to strengthen ties with outside groups two years into Russia's widely condemned invasion of Ukraine, an increasingly isolated Vladimir Putin confirmed Wednesday that he had tried joining an adult kickball league. I found this intramural league that plays in central Moscow, and kickball might be a...Read more...
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on (#6NS83)
A congressional probe recently revealed that the U.S. Postal Service has shared information from Americans' mail with law enforcement, including names and addresses, without requiring a court order, with the organization approving 97% of the 60,000 requests they've received from police departments since 2015. What do y...Read more...
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on (#6NRNC)
SANTA ROSA, CA-Admitting that they normally would not have embraced someone whose life was such a goddamn shitshow, local woman Tara Lopez told reporters Tuesday that her sister's deadbeat boyfriend was doing wonders for the rest of her family's self-esteem. At first we hated the fact that he was an unemployed,...Read more...
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on (#6NRND)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Outfitting its landing page with a pop-up alert, Google announced Tuesday that everyone's got to chill with these depressing search inquiries," going so far as to suggest internet users save it for [their] therapist" instead. Our search engine is intended for use as a tool-it's not here to serve...Read more...
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on (#6NRN5)
TOKYO-In a rapid-fire string of faux pas that deeply offended every single Japanese person he encountered, American tourist Max Deacon is said to have immediately broken 34 sacred local customs Tuesday while disembarking from his plane in Tokyo. Deacon, who somehow had no idea he was being offensive in any way, shape,...Read more...
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on (#6NR7H)
The Republican Governor of Louisiana Jeff Landry recently signed a law requiring state's classrooms to display a copy of the Ten Commandments. The Onion explores the pros and cons of requiring religious doctrine in public schools.
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on (#6NQY9)
Dozens of bottles of cherries discovered by archaeologists in the cellar of George Washington's mansion Mount Vernon were found to be perfectly preserved despite being more than 250 years old, and the Department of Agriculture is now investigating the ancient pits to see if they can be planted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NQYC)
MANAUS, BRAZIL-Plotting out his schedule for the rest of the day, local sloth Jim Garra confirmed Monday that he was thinking of maybe hanging from a tree for another 80 or so hours. I think I'll just cling to this branch continually over the next three or four days and then also after that," said the arboreal...Read more...
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on (#6NQYD)
PHILADELPHIA-Noting an explosion in the frequency of the name in the years following the reality program's debut, a new study published Monday found a correlation between the popularity of the Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch and the nation's sharp uptick in children named Crab. Looking at naming trends over the...Read more...
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on (#6NNRQ)
Former President Donald Trump has yet to announce his running mate for the 2024 election and is reportedly still considering several different candidates. The Onion breaks down exactly what Trump is expecting from his next vice president.
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on (#6NPDP)
The Supreme Court recently struck down a rule banning bump stocks, which have been used in several high-profile mass shootings to inflict maximum damage. The Onion explores the pros and cons of using these devices that allow semiautomatic rifles to fire almost as fast as machine guns.
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on (#6NMK4)
Twenty-three sets of fraternal and identical twins graduated from Pollard Middle School in Needham, MA, where they made up 10% of the total class. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NKWT)
COLUMBUS, OH-Saying he hadn't taken any of the recommended precautions despite a heat index expected to top 100 degrees Fahrenheit, sources confirmed local man Darren Cooper, seen sleeping on a sidewalk Tuesday, must not know about the heat advisory. The National Weather Service cautioned everyone to stay indoors due...Read more...
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on (#6NKPD)
Coach USA, which owns Megabus lines connecting New York and New Jersey, filed for bankruptcy following a decline in ridership, with the company owing creditors between $100 and $500 million. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NKMJ)
HOUSTON-Exhausted from her 16-hour shift of failing to meet an already very low bar of behavioral norms, local woman Zoe Briers told reporters Tuesday she had made it through another day having strange interactions that made everyone uncomfortable. From the moment my neighbor said Good morning' and I just stared at...Read more...
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on (#6NKMK)
DURHAM, NC-Solidifying previously unspoken guidelines regarding one's financial obligations in advance of a wedding, bridal-industry experts are now recommending that Americans set aside at least three months' salary to spend on an engaged friend's bachelorette party. As a symbol of the serious commitment you are...Read more...
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on (#6NK8H)
President Joe Biden stated that he will not use his power as commander in chief to lessen the sentence of his son Hunter, who was convicted on felony gun charges and faces up to 25 years in prison. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NK6E)
LOS ANGELES-Admitting that they recently hit a wall while marketing the upcoming film, frustrated studio executives from Focus Features told reporters Monday they were unsure how to convince the public that its upcoming Lego Pharrell Williams movie was actually happening. We'll be honest, we've tried every marketing...Read more...
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on (#6NK3Z)
RESTON, VA-A new global report released Monday by the U.S. Geological Survey revealed that every place on earth currently has the wrong amount of water. New satellite data confirms that every corner of the earth has the incorrect quantity of water," the report read in part, noting that even though the total amount...Read more...
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on (#6NJT3)
WASHINGTON-With more than 2 million displaced Palestinians facing the threat of famine, the U.S. Agency for International Development announced Monday it had fulfilled its pledge to provide food assistance, throwing a single PowerBar labeled for Gaza" into the Atlantic Ocean. USAID reportedly alerted the war-torn...Read more...
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on (#6NJT5)
WASHINGTON-Following pressure for transparency around what or who could be behind there, U.S. Curtain Master General George Weintraub warned Friday of the increasing number of creeps behind drapes. We recommend you protect yourself and your family by being on the lookout for vaguely human-shaped silhouettes or lumps...Read more...
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on (#6NHH5)
Sixteen-time champion competitive eater Joey Chestnut was banned from Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest by the event's organizers after he signed an endorsement deal with Impossible Foods, a rival brand that makes plant-based hot dogs and other products. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NHEW)
WASHINGTON-Denying that recent events in his personal life would in any way hamper his ability to judge impartially, Justice QAnon Shaman came under fire Friday for refusing to recuse himself from two Jan. 6-related cases. Despite claims to the contrary, my involvement in storming the Capitol in support of Supreme...Read more...
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on (#6NHC9)
In a show of force amid tensions regarding Ukraine, Russia sent four warships, including a nuclear-powered submarine and frigate, to anchor in Havana Bay, 90 miles from Florida. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NH7C)
Following an invitation from congressional leaders in both parties, Benjamin Netanyahu has agreed to address U.S. lawmakers in Washington on July 24. The Onion presents the pros and cons of the controversial Israeli prime minister speaking before a joint session of Congress.Read more...
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on (#6NH7D)
AUSTIN, TX-Crediting himself for the electric vehicle company's latest innovation, CEO Elon Musk announced a plan Friday to add up-skirt cameras on all new Tesla vehicles. There will be one interior camera mounted near the brake pedal in addition to several external up-skirt cameras to capture footage of...Read more...
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on (#6NGHH)
K-pop idol Jin of the group BTS has promised to embrace 1,000 fans in a three-hour-long hugging marathon upon his return from service in the South Korean army, which requires all able-bodied men to serve. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6NGHJ)
DAYTON, OH-A wave of nostalgia and dirty toilet water rushing over them, old classmates attending a reunion at Belhaven High School easily picked up right in the swirly where they had left off, sources reported Wednesday. Wow, it's wild how we can come together after all these years and immediately get back into...Read more...
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on (#6NGHK)
THE HEAVENS-Begging the deliverymen to stay while He figured something out, the Lord God Almighty cursed loudly Thursday after He reportedly realized the gates of heaven were not wide enough for His new couch to fit through. Are you fucking kidding Me? Wayfair must have listed the dimensions wrong," said God, the...Read more...
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on (#6NGHM)
WASHINGTON-Marking the first time in history that humans have successfully smoothed away all the unsightly craters of a celestial body, NASA announced Thursday that it had polished the moon using an orbital rock tumbler. Thanks to the tireless efforts of our scientists, technicians, and engineers, we have tumbled the...Read more...
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on (#6NGC2)
Steve Bannon has been ordered by a judge to report to prison by July 1 to serve a four-month sentence after he was convicted of acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion explains everything you need to know about the former Trump advisor and far-right figure potentially spending time behind bars.
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on (#6NFV9)
The birth of a rare white buffalo in Yellowstone National Park fulfilled a Lakota prophecy predicting better times and also a sign to protect the animals and the Earth, with Chief Arvol Looking Horse saying that The birth of this calf is both a blessing and warning. We must do more." What do you think?Read more...