The Onion

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Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian," a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players' mental readiness. Look, I know it's your guys' job to ask, [...]The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian' appeared first on The Onion.

Hi, friends! Today, I'd like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it's not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook [...]The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena's kiss cam.Come on, come on, I want this more than anything," whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old [...]The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion.

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Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-While recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce Strait of Hormuz." He's gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and it feels like [...]The post Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces Strait Of Hormuz' appeared first on The Onion.

According to Delta Dental's new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think?The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If I go, I think it'll really make me look strong, like I'm fully in charge [...]The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah's Funeral appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he just had a gut feeling" about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that he'd won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He'll Bomb Iran appeared first on The Onion.

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The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security [...]The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think?The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing certainty that they wouldn't make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter. According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a [...]The post Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Urging the next generation of NBA talent to learn from his mistakes and avoid going down the wrong path, Shaquille O'Neal issued a stern warning Monday to young basketball players not to star in a movie about a genie.When you come into the league and suddenly have all this money and fame, it's easy [...]The post Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Still sweating from the 7.5-mile walk from the White House to the video game retailer, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were spotted Thursday attempting to trade in a 1797 portrait of George Washington at a D.C.-area GameStop.One PS5, please," Donald Jr. said as his younger brother Eric pushed the 18th-century Gilbert Stuart oil-on-canvas across [...]The post Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop appeared first on The Onion.

Sure, you denied yourself many things as you scrimped and saved enough for a down payment on a home, but it'll all be worth it when your father calls it a total dump. Reference #59893The post 15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack appeared first on The Onion.

HIALEAH, FL-Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad Brett Colston declared Friday that his favorite piece of media was a commercial from 2005. I'm not sure if it was a Super Bowl ad originally, but you guys have to see it if I can [...]The post Dad's Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word HELP' has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed, and several stuffed animals,a newly released tranche of Epstein files revealedFriday that Deepak Chopra was still lost on the private island of Little St. James. From whatwecan gather, Chopra has been deliriously wandering the now largely [...]The post Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. I'm still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past [...]The post Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Jelly Roll, the artist behind songs Son Of A Sinner" and Save Me," has announced a 2026 tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Walmart bathroom Legal Name: Davidson County Inmate No. 248323 Genre: Country for people who don't like music Easily Identifiable By: Tattoo-shaped birthmarks on face Common [...]The post Artist Profile: Jelly Roll appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Doing everything within her power to ensure the big day would beabsolutely perfect, pop superstar Taylor Swift paid off a bride who had booked the maid of honor she wanted, sources confirmed Friday. I just really had my heart set on Lindsey," said the multiplatinum recording artist who reportedly made a cash offer of [...]The post Taylor Swift Pays Off Bride Who Booked Maid Of Honor She Wanted appeared first on The Onion.

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A mother in North Carolina who went missing while Christmas shopping 24 years ago was found alive and well," though she claimed she did not want to be contacted by her family. What do you think?The post Mother Who Went Missing In 2001 Found Alive appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO-In a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. Okay, so the [...]The post Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration,FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie's mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month," said Patel, [...]The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie's Captors appeared first on The Onion.

The British royal family is under pressure to remove Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from its line of succession. The Onion sat down with the former prince to discuss his arrest and connection to Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion: Any reaction to the accusations against you? Mountbatten-Windsor: On advice of counsel, I can only state that my name is [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Former Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion.

CHANDLER, AZ-Noting that he had showna lot of vulnerability by communicating his true feelings so explicitly, sources confirmed Thursday that an ex's deaththreat provedhowmuchhereallycares. When you two were together you often felt that he didn't put in any effort, so it's not really fair to turn around and complain about it now," said those close [...]The post Death Threat Proves How Much Ex Really Cares appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Admitting that her medical knowledge was very limited" before landing the role of nurse Dana Evans, actress Katherine LaNasa told reporters Thursday that she had never heard of blood beforeThe Pitt. At first I wasn't even pronouncing it right," said the 59-year-old Emmy winner and HBO star, who credited the series' genius" team of [...]The post Katherine LaNasa Admits She Had Never Heard Of Blood Before The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Putting to rest a debate that had stirred in the art world for decades, newly uncovered letters from Georgia O'Keeffe made public this week confirmed long-running speculation that the painter's iconic flower works were in fact veiled depictions of basset hounds. I want to tell you about the paintings-those flowers, Alfred-and all of [...]The post Uncovered Georgia O'Keeffe Letters Confirm Paintings Were Veiled Depictions Of Basset Hounds appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Calling the project a crucial piece of world-building for an iconic sci-fi saga, filmmaker James Cameron revealed Thursday that the next movie in his blockbuster Avatar franchise would focus on the vast menagerie of sodas available in the fictional world of Pandora. We're really going to show how the soda selection on Pandora is [...]The post James Cameron Reveals Next Avatar' Movie Will Focus On Vast Menagerie Of Sodas Available On Pandora appeared first on The Onion.

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Brad Reese, the grandson of the man who invented the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, is publicly criticizing The Hershey Company, accusing the candy giant of replacing traditional ingredients like milk chocolate and peanut butter with low-cost substitutes. What do you think?The post Grandson Of Reese's Cup Inventor Blasts Hershey's Recipe Change appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Responding to concerns that his upcoming Michael Jackson biopic would downplay accusations of sexual abuse involving the late singer, Michael director Antoine Fuqua revealed to reporters Wednesday that the film would fully confront allegations against actor Kevin Spacey. Though it might make people uncomfortable, no movie about the King of Pop would be complete [...]The post Michael' Director Reveals Biopic Will Fully Confront Allegations Against Kevin Spacey appeared first on The Onion.

WAUKESHA, WI-Saying his approach to parenting was hands-off" as far as imparting fundamental life lessons was concerned, local dad Derrick Pomeroy told reporters Wednesday that he wasreally countingonsportstoinstillall of the corevalueshis two children would need in life. I could probably find more opportunities to teach my kids about fairness and self-discipline, but with any luck, [...]The post Local Dad Really Banking On Sports To Instill Core Values In Children appeared first on The Onion.

Large swaths of western Mexico have been shut down after a surge in cartel violence sparked by the killing of one of the world's most wanted drug kingpins, known as El Mencho", in a military raid, with foreign governments warning their citizens to stay inside. What do you think?The post Mexican Cartel Leader Killing Unleashes Wave Of Violence appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Explaining that watching his movements on video had really helped him identify weaknesses and track his gains and losses, local bodybuilder Antonio Vergara filmed himself eating chicken Wednesday to make sure his form was correct. People don't realize it, but over 70% of injuries from ingesting lean proteins happen because of bad technique," said Vergara, [...]The post Bodybuilder Films Self Eating Chicken To Make Sure Form Correct appeared first on The Onion.

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI-Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. I thought [...]The post At No Point While Rewatching Every Planet Of The Apes' Does It Occur To Man He Might Be Depressed appeared first on The Onion.

SYDNEY-Responding to backlash following the release of Netflix's America's Next Top Model docuseries, supermodel and television personality Tyra Banks stated Tuesday that taking abuse from Tyra Banks is simply how the modeling industry works. You can ask hundreds of models around the world, and they'll all tell you that getting emotionally abused by Tyra Banks [...]The post Tyra Banks Says Taking Abuse From Tyra Banks Simply Reflective Of How The Industry Works appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to protect visitors to the violently contested territories south of the U.S. border, the State Department advised American tourists on Monday to temporarily avoid shootouts with Mexican drug cartels. While at this time, we see no need for American travelers to cancel their vacations, we do strongly recommend that they refrain from [...]The post U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels appeared first on The Onion.