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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. We're committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we're now requiring everyone who works here to [...]The post Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 13:04 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VB)
The post Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VA)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA," said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as [...]The post Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9V9)
As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of your own. Decide if you'll be raising chickens for food, companionship, or blood sacrifice. [...]The post Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W8F5)
A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel more connected to influencers than to actors. What do you think?The post Gen Z, Millennials Prefer Influencer Content Over Premium Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C3)
VATICAN CITY-Saying the pontiff's abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with death. Ever since Pope Francis got out of the hospital, he's been pretty much nonstop with [...]The post Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C4)
A United Airlines flight headed to Shanghai from LAX last weekend had to turn around after two hours in the air when one of the pilots realized he had forgotten his passport. What do you think?The post United Flight Turns Around After Pilot Forgets Passport appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C5)
MADISON, WI-Amid his political action committee's campaign to influence a closely contested Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Elon Musk told reporters Friday that he was amazed by how much cheaper bribing voters was in the Midwest. I knew there was a lower cost of bribing out here, but I didn't expect to find this many votes [...]The post Elon Musk Amazed At How Much Cheaper Bribing Voters Is In Midwest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C6)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83Q)
SARTELL, MN-Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating [...]The post Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83P)
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN-Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. I...I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my [...]The post Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83N)
Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Hallow. Q: Who is Hallow aimed at? A: Lapsed Catholics seeking a closer connection with Mark Wahlberg. Q: Is Hallow only [...]The post What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83M)
AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the [...]The post New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83K)
WASHINGTON-In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war,President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that talk, make wisecracks, and have real emotions just like people. For too long, the American market for cars that not only talk but have a personality all their own has [...]The post Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83J)
The post Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EX)
VATICAN CITY-With many remarking that they'd had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. I'll take these fragments of the true cross, I'll take St. Peter's bones, and before [...]The post Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EY)
WASHINGTON-In protest of the publication's coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after 48 years as a loyal reader. Their more literary stuff remains unimpeachable, but I just can't stand their political reporting anymore," said the commander-in-chief, who confirmed that he had just [...]The post Furious Trump Cancels Atlantic' Subscription After 48 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7BM)
More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding SNAP. MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won't actually save the government money. FACT: Cutting food stamp funding will eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens. MYTH: People who receive food stamps [...]The post Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W78Q)
WASHINGTON-Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone," said the head of the nation's largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention [...]The post Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75H)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having [...]The post Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75G)
LOS ANGELES-Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure [...]The post Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BE)
CHICAGO-Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found that anti-science attitudes were strongest amongst those who believe turtles have a little apartment inside their shell. Americans who reject or question established scientific consensus are more likely to maintain the wholly unsupported theory that when a [...]The post Report: Anti-Science Attitude Strongest Among Those Who Believe Turtle Has Little Apartment Inside Shell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BD)
TULSA, OK-Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O'Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman's fatal hot air balloon accident. I think it's fine to say something like, Lisa was an adventurous spirit,' but it's [...]The post Funeral Priest Not Sure How Obliquely To Talk About Hot Air Balloon Accident appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BC)
SUNNYVALE, CA-Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the 52-year-old data engineer emptied the contents of her desk drawers, filing cabinet, and mini fridge into the cardboard [...]The post Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BB)
Embattled genetic testing company 23andMe, once valued at $6 billion, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the company having initially rocketed into the mainstream because of its at-home DNA testing kits that gave customers insight into their family histories and genetic profiles. What do you think?The post 23andMe Files For Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BA)
The post Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn't Know appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V6)
Top national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military strikes in Yemen to a group chat in a secure messaging app that included the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, with the National Security Council saying the text chain appears to be authentic." What do you think?The post Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V7)
The post Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V8)
The post I Messed Up At Work Again,' Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V9)
The post Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F4)
SAN FRANCISCO-Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. In an effort to provide better service and keep our industry-leading sex chews affordable, users of our lower-tier medication [...]The post Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F3)
GARLAND, TX-Rambling on about how she had always harbored feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind" for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he would've said Shut up and kiss me!" by now. When I imagined it in my head, [...]The post Woman Losing Steam Professing Love Thought Crush Would've Said Shut Up And Kiss Me' By Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F2)
JUPITER ISLAND, FL-Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.'s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone's ex-wife. I appreciate that my dating a woman who used to be married to Don Jr. may come as a shock to some, but just [...]The post Tiger Woods Claims That In Time He Will Fuck Everyone's Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F1)
HILLSDALE, NY-Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free Max subscription. I thought three was the magic number, but I guess not," said the star [...]The post Walton Goggins Unsure How Many HBO Roles It Will Take To Get Free Max Subscription appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F0)
PROVO, UT-In a crushing blow to the team's hopes of winning the NCAA men's tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic's breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks [...]The post Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W51A)
LOS ANGELES-In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women's March Madness tournament. While we don't yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI [...]The post JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4WX)
The post Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MT)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals [...]The post Trump Orders All Children Born Under Biden To Be Renamed After Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MS)
RALEIGH, NC-Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. I mean, obviously, I believe the journey is more important than the destination, but I'm feeling so indifferent about the prospect of suicide [...]The post Woman Enjoys Process Of Planning Suicide More Than Actual Suicide Itself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MR)
The post Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MQ)
In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many college students. 10,000 BCE: First cave art depicting a young woman throwing a punch at [...]The post History Of Spring Break In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MP)
The post Well Shit, Man Thought He Secured Infant Car Seat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MN)
The post Stuck in the Timiddle With You appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MM)
A thief who swiped a golden toilet from an English palace was convicted along with an accomplice who helped cash in on the 18-carat work of art insured for more than $6 million. What do you think?The post Jury Convicts Thief Who Stole Golden Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FW)
Israel remains in the top 10 list of happiest countries in the world, ranking eighth according to an annual global survey, despite the ongoing wars in Gaza and Lebanon. What do you think?The post Israel Ranked 8th Happiest Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FX)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs [...]The post Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W385)
While Roku already includes video ads peppered throughout the streaming platform, some users have recently reported a preview of Moana 2 now autoplaying on the device's startup, before they are shown the OS home screen. What do you think?The post Roku Tests Autoplaying Ads Before Loading Home Screen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35R)
The post Grimes Slaps I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy' Sticker On Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35W)
SHELBURNE, VT-Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. That dopey teen working the front desk didn't even think to check my coat pockets-stimulus city, here I come, baby!" Sansovitch said as [...]The post Man Sneaks Bag Of Outside Stimuli Into Sensory Deprivation Tank appeared first on The Onion.
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