The Onion

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TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word Epstein" in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one's ass across carpet. Doctors won't tell you this, but you don't need medication for a tapeworm-all you need is [...]The post RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-After 15 years of promoting the A24 filmThe Moment,actress Charlotte Aitchison told reporters Friday she was relieved to shed the character Charli XCX. Playing Charli has been an actor's dream," said Aitchison, the 33-year-old thespian, who reportedly beat out a slew of stars for the competitive role of the fictional pop star, including Margaret [...]The post Charlotte Aitchison Relieved To Shed Charli XCX Character After 15 Years Of Promoting The Moment' appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NY-Stifling their groans as an instructor distributed the wailing infants, students at the Culinary Institute of America were reportedly given a live baby Friday to learn how to care for a bag of flour. Flour is the most delicate of the pantry staples, and looking after this child for the week will prepare [...]The post Culinary Students Given Live Baby To Learn How To Care For Bag Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) was rushed by a man during a town hall and sprayed with what was revealed to be apple cider vinegar from a syringe, the attack coming amid a broad surge in violence against lawmakers. What do you think?The post Ilhan Omar Sprayed With Liquid At Town Hall appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Pulling her aside at a Treasury Department event Wednesday, President Donald Trump reportedly asked hip-hop artist Nicki Minaj to explain eating ass. Explain it to me, in the simplest terms," said the bewildered 79-year-old president of the United States, who clasped Minaj's handand looked her in the eye as he urged her to enlighten him [...]The post Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy. Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won't be able to pay the bills if [...]The post Report: More Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Turning To Alchemy appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA BARBARA, CA-Groaning as yet another stranger shoved a ballpoint pen in his face, actor Noah Wyle stated Thursday that he was fed up with pushy fan tracheotomy requests. Listen, I love that you love my work, but I'm just trying to grab breakfast with my family right now, not cut through any windpipes, okay?" [...]The post Noah Wyle Fed Up With Pushy Fan Tracheotomy Requests appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Perking up with excitement after spotting a customer in the process of completely humiliating himself, the entire staff of a midtown H&M store reportedly gathered Thursday to watch a man struggle to refold a shirt. Oh my God, everyone get out of the break room-you seriously have got to see this," said sales associate [...]The post H&M Staff Gathers To Watch Man Struggle To Refold Shirt appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Stating that they were so proud, so, so proud," the parents of filmmakers Josh and Benny Safdie reportedly told their sons Thursday that regardless of what the Academy says, they liked both films equally. One nomination, nine nominations-The Smashing MachineandMarty Supremeare both movie of the year in our book," said the filmmakers' mother, Amy [...]The post Parents Of Safdie Brothers Don't Care What Oscars Say, They Liked Both Movies Equally appeared first on The Onion.

The 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year's ceremony. Q: Who will be there? A: Anyone who's anyone in the world of mouth noises. Q: How can I watch? A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your [...]The post What To Know About The 2026 Grammys appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Prompting exclamations of astonishment from colleagues and supervisors, local man Joshua Lingard reportedly appeared entirely unrecognizable Wednesday after enjoying a full eight hours of sleep. Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize it was Josh without those dark bags under his eyes and his usual lifeless monotone," said Lingard's coworker Alison Conners, who gasped in [...]The post Man Unrecognizable After Full 8 Hours Of Sleep appeared first on The Onion.

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President Donald Trump said the U.S. used a weapon he referred to as the discombobulator" to capture former Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, claiming it made the enemy equipment not work." What do you think?The post Trump Claims U.S. Used Discombobulator' Weapon In Maduro Raid appeared first on The Onion.

Climber Alex Honnold successfully scaled the Taipei 101 skyscraper, the 11th tallest in the world, without a harness, ropes, or any other safety equipment. What do you think?The post Alex Honnold Successfully Free Solos Taipei 101 Skyscraper appeared first on The Onion.

Gregory Bovino, who was responsible for immigration enforcement operations in Minnesota, has been ousted as the U.S. Border Patrol's commander at large." The Onion sat down with Bovino to discuss his career at the agency. The Onion: What would you say to people who call you Gestapo? Bovino: I'd ask why they aren't speaking English. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion.

TACOMA, WA-Urging her kids to cut their dad some slack amid the added stressors of his work life, area woman Ashlyn Bergman reportedly informed her children Tuesday that their father, who typically spends half his workday playing Clash Of Clans on his phone, was under a lot of pressure at work." He doesn't love you [...]The post Dad's Under A Lot Of Pressure At Work,' Says Woman Of Husband Who Spends Half Day Playing Clash Of Clans' appeared first on The Onion.

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HOBOKEN, NJ-In a major shift from the company's decades-long focus on inner beauty, personal care product brand Dove finally admitted Tuesday that some people are ugly. Despite years of claims that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, we are now prepared to agree that there are some butterfaced uggos out there whose looks [...]The post Dove Finally Admits Some People Ugly appeared first on The Onion.

Services for Peter Barnell, 72, will be held Friday. The family asks that each attendee take home a portion of the remains because they don't want any leftovers.The post Peter Barnell appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming the nation's beloved North Star State was in peril, Immigration and Customs Enforcement issued a ransom note Tuesday that told the United States to pay $65 billion if it ever wanted to see Minnesota again. The $65 billion should be placed in an unmarked federal appropriations bill-if it isn't, that will be the end [...]The post ICE Issues Ransom Note Demanding $65 Billion If U.S. Wants To See Minnesota Again appeared first on The Onion.

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Previously quarantined cans of yellowfin tuna that were recalled due to a defective pull tab which could introduce botulism, a potentially fatal form of food poisoning, were mistakenly reshipped to stores in at least nine states. What do you think?The post Canned Tuna Recalled For Potentially Fatal Botulism Mistakenly Reshipped appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that no one would realistically devote their life to serving others without being funded by nefarious actors, President Donald Trump allegedMondaythat Democrats had secretly paid Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old Veterans Affairs nurse killed by U.S. Border Patrol agents in Minneapolis, to be a model citizen. What they don't want you to know is that [...]The post Trump Alleges That Democrats Secretly Paid Alex Pretti To Be Model Citizen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Urging locals to fully cooperate" with federal agents, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem called on Minneapolis residents Monday to stop obstructing murders. The brave men and women of ICE and the U.S. Border Patrol are doing their best to carry out these executions in a safe and professional manner," said Noem, who emphasized [...]The post Kristi Noem Calls On Minneapolis Residents To Stop Obstructing Murders appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. I created all things-do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine [...]The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion.

BUFFALO, NY-Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. For the past nine years, the people-and of course I use that [...]The post Sean McDermott Expresses Gratitude To The People, If You Want To Call Them That, Of Buffalo appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump signed the charter for his Board of Peace" Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization. Q: What is the board's stated aim? A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation. [...]The post What To Know About Trump's Board Of Peace appeared first on The Onion.

Ryan Coogler's Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?The post Sinners' Sets Oscar Record With 16 Nominations appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate's vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company's intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. That's very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base," said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed [...]The post Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

OVERLAND PARK, KS-Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman hehasbeen holdingcaptivein his basement for the past 39 days. I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you," [...]The post Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive appeared first on The Onion.

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PARIS-Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth," said [...]The post Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding Flower appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly microwaved the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Look, look, I think it's starting to melt!" said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who pressed his [...]The post Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying they wished she would just be honest with them, friends of multiplatinum recording artist Katy Perry expressed skepticism this week about her alleged powerful boyfriend who lives in Canada. Katy keeps going on and on about this new guy, but every time one of us asks when we'll get to meet him, she [...]The post Katy Perry's Friends Skeptical Of Alleged Powerful Boyfriend Who Lives In Canada appeared first on The Onion.

Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don't Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Brand collaboration Famous Relatives: Rihanna's kids Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through [...]The post Artist Profile: A$AP Rocky appeared first on The Onion.

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DENVER-Acknowledging the grim reality of their underwhelming romantic prospects, chronic disorganization, and lackluster employment outlook, the adult Patterson children confirmed Friday that the onus of giving their parents grandchildren had been placed on the least fucked-up sibling. At least Liz has a job and lives in her own apartment," said oldest sibling Matthew Patterson, adding [...]The post Onus Of Giving Parents Grandchildren Placed On Least Fucked-Up Sibling appeared first on The Onion.

Chin married Galchot in what is being described as a decisive coup d'etat against the groom's 13-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.The post Diana Chin and Tim Galchot appeared first on The Onion.