The Onion

Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is the plot? A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything. Q: Where does it [...]The post What To Know About Heated Rivalry' appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn't say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found that processed meats were carcinogenic but were also on sale. Our evidence indicates that while common deli items like salami, bacon, and corned beef have strong links to cancer, they [...]The post Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBIA, MO-In a display of enthusiasm that revealed a deep familiarity with the subject, local man Luke Price was said to be totally nerding out Thursday about the idea of white supremacy. According to sources, the 26-year-old sales associate and self-described Ubermensch rattled off a dozen esoteric theories of racial hierarchy and eagerly asserted the [...]The post Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill Monday that bans all eye contact during sex.Looking directly into another person's eyes while being physically intimate is a sick and unholy act," said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, [...]The post Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.The post Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

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SPOKANE, WA-Lamenting that she still hadn't found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of constantly looking for Mr. Bean. It seems like all my friends are settling down with buffoonish, mishap-prone men, but no matter how many dates I go on, I just can't [...]The post Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-Praising the drug's ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation's opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan. The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a [...]The post FDA Approves New Drug That ReversesEffectsOf Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse. Reference #17806The post Look Who You've Become appeared first on The Onion.

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.The post Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and-I'm reading off the official statistics from my people-500 will be 25,500," said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office [...]The post Trump Announces 5,000%Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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Rosalia's fourth studio album, Lux, has been met with critical acclaim, cracking the Billboard top 10 for the first time in the Spanish pop star's career. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Musica Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks Who She's Beefing With: B-flat Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V Controversies: [...]The post Artist Profile: Rosalia appeared first on The Onion.

HILLIARD, OH-Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she was actually quite impressed by the manners of their tattooed restaurant server.When she first came over to give us our menus, I thought she was in some kind of biker [...]The post Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person's Manners appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all concertgoers to stash their boyfriends in locked pouches during her shows.I understand wanting to share the experience, but I think a live performance is more special when everyone puts their [...]The post Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends InLocked Pouch appeared first on The Onion.

Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.The post Francine Holmes appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump's immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens [...]The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-With the GOP's redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the floor as gerrymandering ripped through the kitchen of their home. At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a [...]The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.

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This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm. Reference #37290The post Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums appeared first on The Onion.

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days' worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion shares tips for repurposing your holiday leftovers. Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers. Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation. By whisking a couple of eggs into your [...]The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.

WICHITA, KS-Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can't trust herself to keep raisins in the house. I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn't reach without hurting myself, but I've decided it's more responsible to remove [...]The post Grandmother Can't Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it's safe to come out. While it's [...]The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN-In a development her family began referringto as a stroke of luck," local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. Oh, thank God-problem solved, everybody," said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, [...]The post Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister's Girlfriend Arrives appeared first on The Onion.

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LOW EARTH ORBIT-Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hated the long, freezing spacewalk required to reach the International Space Station's outhouse. God, it's such a pain. You have to put on the whole suit, depressurize, and then [...]The post Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients' bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, Have you tried losing a few pounds?' in the flesh is so different [...]The post Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. I'm doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw," said Trump, [...]The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

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PROVIDENCE, RI-Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. Journal entries from the period show that most citizens spent their days stationed at [...]The post Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren't prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assignedZootopia 2a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we're confident the majority ofZootopia 2viewers will agree," said MPA spokesperson Richard [...]The post MPA Rates Zootopia 2' PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Describing the practice as a fun little side project" rather than an occupation, Education Secretary Linda McMahon announced Monday that nursing would be reclassified as a hobby under new student loan regulations. While those seeking degrees in veterinary medicine, law, and podiatry will still have access to the full financing available to future professionals, our [...]The post White House Reclassifies Nursing As Hobby appeared first on The Onion.

According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind Thanksgiving travel. 60,000 Redeemed airline miles wasted on round-trip flight to Ohio 2 Oven-roasted whole turkeys each passenger allowed to carry on 4 [...]The post Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Monday during which he denied ever laying eggs in Vanity Fair editor Olivia Nuzzi. I know there has been a lot of speculation about me depositing my clutch [...]The post RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain" was over, was reportedly in for the thrill of his fucking life Monday. According to eyewitnesses, Verran incorrectly understood the receding guitar licks and cymbal crashes just before the three-minute mark to be [...]The post Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac's The Chain' Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.