The Onion

NEW YORK-Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean Diddy" Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and [...]The post Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Promising his podcast listeners an engaging and enlightening conversation, California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly sat down Tuesday with a serial killer who targets the homeless population. So what do you think Democrats can learn from somebody who, like you, targets the most vulnerable among us?" said Newsom, who acknowledged that while he and the [...]The post Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA CLARA, CA-Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by having a baby. The week-old infant, who along with the affair has been kept hidden [...]The post Baby Saves Affair appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children.Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor," Gov. [...]The post Texas Bans Being Different Around Children appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck acting.I am so proud to stand on this stage tonight as we recognize this brilliant performer for his commitment to the [...]The post Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting appeared first on The Onion.

The couple tied the knot Saturday in the most unique ceremony that their tragically basic tastes would allow.The post Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI-Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. Why can't bribing the president be as straightforward as [...]The post Man Can't Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President appeared first on The Onion.

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Starbase, home to SpaceX's private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head straight to the Starbase Visitor Center, where you can book tours, buy souvenirs, and pick up [...]The post 48 Hours In Starbase appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Evaluating whether top college talent like Ace Bailey, Dylan Harper, and Kasparas Jakuionis can actually clean up on a professional level, the NBA Draft Combine started this week by testing how well prospects direct-message models on Instagram. Sometimes these players' messages look good on paper, or they're showing off on Instagram Reels, but then you [...]The post NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram appeared first on The Onion.

MEXICO CITY-In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking linguistic survey of resorts, beaches, and other tourist hotspots, a new report published Wednesday by a consortium of language experts across Mexico found that vacationing sources habla un poquito de espanol.According to the data we collected, American-born subjects were eager to tell researchers that they no [...]The post New Report Finds Vacationing Sources Habla Un Poquito De Espanol appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Appearing nervous as he acknowledged that he had concealed the truth from his fiancee for far too long, actor Tom Holland confided to reporters Thursday that he was working up the courage to tell Zendaya he was only 17.Oh man, I think I'm in over my head-when we go to get our marriage license, [...]The post Tom Holland Working Up Courage To Tell Zendaya He Only 17 appeared first on The Onion.

Sort of a perk, right? Okay, sure, you and Jeff aren't that close these days, but in theory it might be nice to see him more often. He could, like, come over for beers in the garage sometimes. Reference #34675The post Close To Jeff appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the dream of owning a glass-domed apartment on the bottom of the ocean overlooking a vibrant coral reef [...]The post Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows appeared first on The Onion.

STARBASE, TX-Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. Out of my fucking way, short stuff-geniuses first!" the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke [...]The post Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses appeared first on The Onion.

DANBURY, CT-Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device's performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan's leg. Look at this thing go-didn't even hiccup gliding through all that tibia!" Hoyer said as he wiped a streak of blood from [...]The post Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son's Leg appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is [...]The post Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV's election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters this week He had lost $400 betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out My savings," said the visibly frustrated deity, groaning that He [...]The post God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle appeared first on The Onion.

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TORONTO-Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope everybody gets along," said the 33-year-old, confessing that it had been quite some time since he had brought a [...]The post Nervous Man Introduces Date To His Hives appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO-In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. While excavating an area around the Valley of the Kings, we were able to unearth tombs containing artifacts that appear to date from a long-forgotten and groan-inducing [...]The post Archaeologists Uncover Embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly Dynasty appeared first on The Onion.

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TUCSON, AZ-Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad home. When you've been in this profession as long as I have, little behavioral tics like skateboarding into [...]The post Teacher Can Tell Child With Spiky Hair, Sunglasses Comes From A Rad Home appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated the employment of roughly 30,000 muses. An independent audit of the NEA revealed a significant glut of unnecessary sources of inspiration, all [...]The post National Endowment For The Arts Lays Off 30,000 Muses appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. Sad how much cheap Made in China' GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people's asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer," Trump [...]The post Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums appeared first on The Onion.

AUGUSTA, GA-Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. There are already so many children in the World of Beer-is this really something we want weighing on our conscience?" said [...]The post Couple Debates Ethical Implications Of Bringing Another Child Into This Bar appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. We'll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard," Treasury Secretary Scott [...]The post U.S. Offers Semiconductors To China In Exchange For Holographic Charizard appeared first on The Onion.

FRESNO, CA-Revealing that all of the company's customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. You've bought Sun-Maid raisins all these years thinking that was a kind young girl smiling back at you, but [...]The post Sun-Maid Announces Girl In Logo Has Always Been Sentient Raisin Disguising Self In Human Flesh appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons.I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America's most ruthless and violent Offenders," Trump wrote [...]The post Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he's worth, Cooper Flagg's agent Austin Brown negotiated a 10% increase Monday in textbook buyback value for the NCAA star from the Duke University bookstore. This Intro to Psychology textbook is top-of-the-line, and we aren't budging [...]The post Cooper Flagg's Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Questioning the press's past coverage of the man known as the D.C. sniper, social media users have reportedly begun criticizing the early 2000s media for its harsh treatment of John Allen Muhammad. You should have seen the tabloids back then-they were so mean to him," 37-year-old podcast host Leigh Scholler wrote Monday, lambasting outlets from [...]The post Early 2000s Media Criticized For Harsh Treatment Of D.C. Sniper appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio's developers got their grades up. We understand how much our team wants to release a painstakingly crafted Vice City into the world, but there's just no way [...]The post GTA VI' Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for PBS this week after his grandfather clock reportedly received a lower-than-expected Antiques Roadshow appraisal. For Christ's sake, $2,500?" said a visibly flabbergasted Trump, who appeared to grow more and more irate as the appraiser explained that the [...]The post Trump Revokes PBS Funding After Antique Grandfather Clock Receives Meager Appraisal appeared first on The Onion.

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