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by The Onion Staff on (#6TPH9)
WASHINGTON-Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet-this is a day we'll tell our children about," Musk said as he slowly panned his phone's [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Up AI Girlfriend App So She Can See appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-11 23:00 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TPH8)
The post RFK Jr. Attends Inauguration Shirtless appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TPH7)
The post Trump Boys Take Turns Shouting Penis' At Inauguration appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TPH6)
The post Inauguration Begins With Moment Of Silent Gloating appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TPH5)
The post Trump Rolls Onto Capitol Steps In Bulletproof Sphere appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TNF0)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has banned the use of red dye No. 3 in food, beverages, and ingested drugs, more than 30 years after scientists discovered links to cancer in animals. What do you think?The post FDA Bans Red Food Dye appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TN5S)
CAIRO-Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple ramps and levers that aliens used to build the pyramids at Giza. Shortly after traveling to Earth in their quantum-drive spaceships, extraterrestrials [...]The post Egyptologists Unearth Depictions Of Simple Ramps, Levers Aliens Used To Build Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TN0D)
President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country. PRO: New Indigenous people to wrong CON: Feels immoral to do anything that makes the Danes richer PRO: Would increase domestic supply of ice [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Buying Greenland appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TN0E)
Catherine, the Princess of Wales, revealed her cancer is in remission about 10 months after announcing her diagnosis, saying in a post, It is a relief to now be in remission and I remain focussed on recovery." What do you think?The post Kate Middleton Reveals Cancer In Remission appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TN0F)
SAN DIEGO-As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San DiegoZoo's animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. He texted an hour ago saying he was dropping in to check the garbage disposal, so we've been running [...]The post CityZooScrambles To Hide Animals Ahead Of Landlord Visit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TN0G)
WASHINGTON-Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. Hey, kitty, kitty-please, no!" said Biden, who looked desperately over his shoulder in search of his Secret Service detail and yelped out in [...]The post Biden Batted Around By Giant Cat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TMAP)
LOS ANGELES-In a chaotic scene that saw young people screaming and ducking for cover in the moments after the hip-hop star was served from a passing vehicle, witnesses confirmed Thursday morning that Kendrick Lamar had been hit with a drive-by summons outside an L.A. nightclub. It all happened so fast-one minute Kendrick was standing around [...]The post Kendrick Lamar Hit With Drive-By Summons Outside L.A. Nightclub appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TM80)
WASHINGTON-Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. I've decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the rest of the 2020s," said Obama, speaking to reporters through an intercom by the front [...]The post Michelle Obama Confirms She Will Skip Rest Of Decade appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TM81)
A ceasefire deal has been reached to end 15 months of fighting in the Gaza Strip, with the agreement also freeing dozens of hostages held in Gaza as well as Palestinians in Israeli jails. What do you think?The post Israel, Hamas Reach Ceasefire Deal appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TM4Y)
Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has made a major right-wing pivot, including adding Trump ally Dana White to the company's board and agreeing to cohost an inauguration reception. Here are the other changes Zuckerberg is implementing to make the tech company more MAGA-friendly. 12,000% more AI-generated images of a muscular Elon Musk shaking hands [...]The post How Mark Zuckerberg Is Making Meta More MAGA-Friendly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TM1R)
SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NJ-Having been informed that he canceled a major stop on his big world tour just to be with them on a Thursday afternoon, residents at Golden Horizons Senior Care Center were told the man playing accordion for them in the facility's dining room was Billy Joel. That's right, folks, the Piano Man himself [...]The post Nursing Home Told Man Playing Accordion For Them Is Billy Joel appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TM1S)
LOS ANGELES-Saying such individuals posed a threat to the safety and security of all city residents, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it had arrested everyone who lost their home in the ongoing wildfires. In the interest of maintaining public order, I have instructed my officers to round up any suspicious person whose [...]The post LAPD Arrests Everyone Who Lost Home In Fire appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TKCB)
The post Donut Pillow Shit For Smothering appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TK35)
President-elect Donald Trump's controversial nominee for defense secretary, Pete Hegseth, appeared for questioning on Capitol Hill in a public confirmation hearing in which Democrats interrogated allegations of illicit and inappropriate conduct and a long history of public commentary deriding women, minorities, and people with opposing political views. What do you think?The post Pete Hegseth Faces Difficult Confirmation Hearing appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TK36)
READING, PA-With a look of hardened resolve crossing the man's face as he discovered the large recliner was unoccupied, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local elderly resident Robert Delacio had set his sights on a big chair. According to sources, Delacio hobbled determinedly toward the worn gray seat, throwing a sharp stare at a nearby young [...]The post Elderly Man Sets Sights On Big Chair appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TK37)
NEOSHO, MO-Confused by the sudden directive to neutralize any threats" to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to guard theCEOofCrock-Pot. A person from the company called in a panic last week and said the CEO needed to beef up' [...]The post Corporate Security Detail Not Sure Why They Guarding Crock-Pot CEO appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TJG5)
U.S. Special Counsel Jack Smith, who led the federal cases against Donald Trump on charges of trying to overturn his 2020 election defeat and mishandling of classified documents, has resigned as the Republican president-elect prepares to return to the White House. What do you think?The post Special Counsel Jack Smith Resigns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TJ9X)
MINNEAPOLIS-After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmetics to home decor, millions of U.S. shoppers are [...]The post Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TJ9Y)
HOUSTON-Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn't do shit," the sun said [...]The post Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6THH1)
President-elect Donald Trump said that he would move to try to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America," a name he said has a beautiful ring to it." What do you think?The post Trump Suggests Changing Name Of Gulf Of Mexico appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6THED)
Adjusting to life with a newborn is a formidable task. The Onion presents tips for supporting the new parents in your social circle. Drop off a meal from their favorite restaurant to remind them of their former life that's now lost forever. Stress that Cocomelon only has as much power as they give it. Get [...]The post Tips For Supporting New Parents appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6THEE)
At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people under evacuation orders. What do you think?The post Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6THEF)
PALM BEACH, FL-Noticing everyone else's phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump's senior staff that he wasn't part of, sources confirmed Monday. It can't be a coincidence that they all keep looking down at their phones and chuckling at the same time," [...]The post JD Vance Begins To Suspect There Another Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6THBT)
WASHINGTON-Revealing a steep decline in the populace's knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation's residents used to be a basic component [...]The post Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TFPN)
Singer-songwriter SZA has released Lana, the long-anticipated deluxe edition of her critically acclaimed 2022 album SOS. Here is what you need to know about the artist. Musical Genre: Murder jazz Vocal Style: Power whisper Fandom Name: People currently crying in their cars Mental Health History: Easily set to verse Uncomfortable Venn Diagram She's In Middle [...]The post Artist Profile: SZA appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TFPP)
The first person to have a severe case of H5N1 bird flu in the United States has died, with the patient, who was over 65 and reportedly had underlying medical conditions, being hospitalized after exposure to both a backyard flock of birds and to wild birds. What do you think?The post First U.S. Bird Flu Death Reported appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TFPQ)
LOCATION CLASSIFIED-Grumbling Not this shit again" as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy Sandman" Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. Man, it really ticks me off when I deploy for [...]The post Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TFPR)
The post Biden Wanders Into Flames appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TFPS)
WASHINGTON-Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who, while not perfect, altered the course of our nation in indelible ways," said the mint's director, Ventris [...]The post U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TFGB)
The post At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TF2N)
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the company is abandoning the use of independent fact checkers, replacing them with X-style community notes" where commenting on the accuracy of posts is left to users. What do you think?The post Meta To End Fact-Checking appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6TF2P)
WASHINGTON-Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter's ceremony. I'm way deader than he is," mumbled Trump, who lay at the opposite end of the National Cathedral as his senior aides attempted to [...]The post Jealous Trump Throws Own State Funeral To Upstage Carter's appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TF2Q)
LOS ANGELES-Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of Nobu. Despite strict evacuation orders, my staff and I did in fact attend a dinner party within the burnt [...]The post Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TEZZ)
WASHINGTON-Saying that the singer's ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation's distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now. Between climate change, political upheaval, and the creeping sense that things aren't going to be [...]The post Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TEX9)
After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss the highs and lows of his tenure. The Onion: What prompted the timing of your resignation? Trudeau: I didn't want to be a distraction while my party cleans up the [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TEQE)
The post This Majestic Photo: Was It Worth The 6-Car Pileup We Caused To Get It? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TEQD)
ALEXANDRIA, VA-Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old's viewing habits had likely destroyed hisYouTubeaccount forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that theAI-generatedRussianvideoshis son had been watching wereruininghis own recommendations forAI-generatedRussianvideos. Goddamn it, what is this shit?" said the 47-year-old father, who despite years of training his algorithm to suggest a steady stream of glitchy, [...]The post Child's AI-Generated Russian Videos Ruining YouTube Recommendations For Father's AI-Generated Russian Videos appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDXY)
Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. 39%: Americans in national survey who reported delaying emergency medical care due to financial limitations or having just put [...]The post U.S. Healthcare System By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDXZ)
Congestion pricing is now in effect in New York City after months of delays and legal challenges, with many curious how traffic will change throughout the day, if at all. What do you think?The post New York City Implements Congestion Pricing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDY0)
CHICAGO-Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a dog trying to fit a stick through a door. Oh, here she goes-can she figure [...]The post Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDY1)
NEW YORK-Addressing reporters during the league's annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players-namely, the two legs," said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, [...]The post NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDAR)
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau resigned as polls indicated that his Liberal Party was set to be trounced by the opposition Conservative Party in the upcoming election. What do you think?The post Justin Trudeau Resigns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TDAS)
DURHAM, NC-Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. I really want to be there for all my Duke teammates, but this is something we've had planned for months," [...]The post Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TD4D)
TOKYO-Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday that was later auctioned off at a local fish market. From the moment I felt the lip of the can tugging on our line, I knew it was going to [...]The post Japanese Fishermen Catch 600-Pound Can Of Tuna appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6TCX8)
KOHLER, WI-To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped with a nude man already inside. Due to a mix-up at our manufacturing plant, thousands of our freestanding claw-foot bathtubs were mistakenly sent out with a sudsy naked man pre-installed," [...]The post Kohler Recalls 30,000 Bathtubs Shipped With Nude Man Already Inside appeared first on The Onion.
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