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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFPB)
WASHINGTON-Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratchwould henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. Let me be clear: This man, whoattempted to park [...]The post Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 18:19 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFPA)
WASHINGTON-As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building's plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine-healthier, even," said Kennedy, who noted [...]The post RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP9)
LOS ANGELES-Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child. Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she [...]The post Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP8)
LOS ANGELES-In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. I'm just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all [...]The post Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried White Lotus' Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP7)
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND-With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestle released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3billion.We're excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks," CEO [...]The post Nestle Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFP6)
It's new construction in your price range that's near a good school and your family with plenty of space for everything the future holds, so why are you so hesitant to pull the trigger? Reference #84735The post Everything You Always Wanted, Right? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFDY)
SAN ANTONIO-Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick Vitale. Unbelievable, folks, Walton Clayton Jr. is now heading up the rungs for a keepsake from this [...]The post Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WFA9)
GREENBELT, MD-Decrying the deportation as wholly lawless," U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen [...]The post Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF8C)
A 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with family in Israel. What do you think?The post 3-Year-Old Discovers 3,800-Year-Old Amulet While On Family Outing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF5M)
WASHINGTON-As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources confirmed Monday that a page on the National Parks website had been revised to describe Harriet Tubman as a human trafficker. Operating between 1851 and 1862, the notorious human trafficker Harriet Tubman stole approximately 70 African Americans [...]The post Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF5N)
READING, ENGLAND-Calling his ignorance a major oversight," filmmaker Sam Mendes admitted Monday that he conceived his idea for four Beatles biopics before hearing about TV. Oh, gosh, well, this is embarrassing," said the 59-year-old director, who expressed his frustration that no one at Sony Pictures had bothered to tell him about the existence of the [...]The post Sam Mendes Admits Idea For 4 Beatles Biopics Conceived Before He Heard About TV appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF2X)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President Donald Trump reportedly assured U.S. farmers Monday that Barron would eat their crops. No need for great American farmers to worry-that boy of mine can put away as many acres of corn as you can throw at [...]The post Trump Assures U.S. Farmers Barron Will Eat Their Crops appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF08)
Bride and groom exchanged vows before friends and family Saturday in a ceremony that delicately danced around the fact that Patrick was Shelly's track and field coach in high school.The post Shelly Greenfield and Patrick Chester appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX2)
The post Masters Crowd Whispering Its Lungs Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX5)
BERLIN-Hoping to secure at least one nice picture as a memento of his trip abroad, an American tourist visiting Germany reportedly asked a passerby Monday to take a boudoir photo of him. Excuse me, would you mind getting a shot of me with my hand behind my head like a pinup girl?" Topeka, KS native [...]The post Tourist Asks Passerby To Take Boudoir Photo Of Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX4)
Let me start by saying I've got nothing against doctors in general. My niece is a doctor. Most of them are warm, professional, and highly educated people. But lately I've noticed a very troubling trend: Almost every doctor I see goes out of their way to tell me not to drink my own urine. This [...]The post The Doctors Telling Us Not To Drink Our Urine ProbablyJust Want It For Themselves appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX3)
With a sale deadline looming, tech company ByteDance was once more given additional time to offload TikTok to a non-Chinese buyer or face a ban in the United States. Here's all you need to know about the sale. Q: Who are the leading bidders to acquire TikTok? A: Major companies including Amazon, Oracle, and a [...]The post What To Know About The TikTok Sale appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WDKT)
Economists warn that, if left in place, Trump's sweeping tariffs on U.S. trade partners will wreak havoc on households, businesses, and financial markets across the world, upending a global economic order that America benefited from and helped create. What do you think?The post Trump Tariffs Upend Global Economic Order appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDHZ)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their money was in heaven now, sources confirmed. Honey, the reason we're sitting you down today is because even though our life [...]The post Parents Gently Explain To Child That Their Money In Heaven Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDJ0)
LOS ANGELES-Expressing relief that they were both on the same page about custody, Megan Fox confirmed Friday that she and her new baby would be working together to co-parent Machine Gun Kelly. The coming months are going to be exhausting, but knowing that I have this newborn by my side to help set a good [...]The post Megan Fox Confirms She And New Baby Will Co-Parent Machine Gun Kelly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDFR)
The post Climate Protestors Throw Paint On The Louvre's 1988 Copy Of Hustler' Magazine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDFS)
While trying to reassure a child she was caring for, a local Kansas babysitter was shocked to come face-to-face with a man when she aimed to show the kid there were no monsters under the bed. What do you think?The post Babysitter Finds Real-Life Monster' Under Child's Bed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9H)
WASHINGTON-In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump's agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip and take a turn pushing the Wheel of Pain. Pulling off your garments and crawling into the pit in order to lash yourself to the Wheel of Pain is something that [...]The post Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel Of Pain appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9G)
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his greatest achievements, Trump's second term, and the future of the Democratic party. The Onion: Why did you allow the spending bill to pass? Chuck Schumer: I finally got a 7 p.m. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Chuck Schumer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9F)
MONTCLAIR, NJ-Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he was furious the NFL hadn't added an expansion team to sign him. After everything I've done for this sport, the least they could do is create an entirely new franchise [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn't Added Expansion Team To Sign Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9E)
The post Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9D)
The post Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9C)
WASHINGTON-In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it's ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute," [...]The post Trump Assures Wall Street He'll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCWF)
WASHINGTON-Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the nation Thursday that desire is the root of all suffering. My fellow Americans, remember that attachment to worldly things stands at the very foundation of the illusions that lead us to [...]The post Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT4)
Following a biochemical analysis, parishioners of an Indiana church were informed that the red substance on a communion wafer they thought to be the blood of Christ was actually fungus and three different species of bacteria commonly found on human hands. What do you think?The post Communion Wafer Miracle' Turns Out To Be Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT5)
The post CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT6)
WASHINGTON-Giving Democrats a sense of hope for the first time in months, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) reportedly set the congressional record this week for the longest fingernails on the Senate floor. With your support, I have grown my fingernails to eight feet and three-quarters inches," said Booker, whose act of strength and courage inspired millions [...]The post Cory Booker Sets Record For Longest Fingernails On Senate Floor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ5)
WASHINGTON-Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. Hope you aren't too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back [...]The post Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ6)
Significant mystery has cloaked a 14,400-square-foot Tuscan-style villa and a second, adjacent mansion purchased by the world's richest man for himself and his extensive family. Here,The Onionuncovers what's inside Elon Musk's $35 million Texas compound.The post Inside Elon Musk's Texas Compound appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ7)
RAFAH, GAZA-Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a mass grave, Israel claimed this week that the slain Palestinians did not properly identify themselves as human. Unfortunately, upon their encounter with IDF soldiers, these Palestinians provided no documentation indicating they were sentient beings entitled to basic [...]The post Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn't Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHQ)
After performing as a musical guest on the show to promote his upcoming album, Morgan Wallen made headlines when he abruptly left the Saturday Night Live stage. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Bass Pro Shops Pyramid, Tennessee Genre: See name Default Setting: Aggrieved Fandom Name: Whites Controversies: 2016-present Favorite [...]The post Artist Profile: Morgan Wallen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHR)
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR-Saying things had only gone downhill after a terrible morning, lawful U.S. resident Oscar Fernandez-Lopez, 38, stated Wednesday that he had already been having a bad day before being deported to the Salvadoran mega-prison known as CECOT. I knew things were heading in the wrong direction when I spilled coffee on my shirt, [...]The post Man Already Having Bad Day Deported To Salvadoran Mega-Prison appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCE5)
BEND, OR-Pointing out how the 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier was already shaking with anticipation, avid bungee jumper Isaac Branch confirmed Thursday that his dog also loves bungee jumping. Rocko's obsessed with bungee jumping-he does it all the time!" said Branch, 25, who described the 15-pound canine as a total adrenaline junky" who gets so riled [...]The post Dog Loves Bungee Jumping, Owner Of Bungee-Jumping Dog Reports appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBVE)
The abrupt cancellation of government funding for programs to help food banks distribute healthy, local food is being felt across the country, with some already strapped organizations turning to their local communities for help. What do you think?The post U.S. Food Banks Struggle Under Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBRP)
SAN DIEGO-With the spellbound audience in the Marine Trash Experience amphitheater shouting and squealing with excitement, SeaWorld visitors were reportedly delighted Wednesday by a live garbage-patch feeding. The keepers threw a bunch of plastic bags into the middle of the habitat, and all of a sudden this enormous blob of debris floated up and swallowed [...]The post SeaWorld Visitors Delighted By Live Garbage-Patch Feeding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ2)
SPRINGFIELD, VA-In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the total fucking bitch" who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. We have been far too lenient to the [...]The post DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ1)
The post Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WB4J)
Donald Trump claimed he is not joking about the possibility of seeking a third presidential term despite it being barred by the Constitution, asserting that there are methods" by which he can circumvent the prohibition. What do you think?The post Trump Not Joking' About Seeking Third Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAZN)
The post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAX3)
ITHACA, NY-As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow [...]The post College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQD)
MANCHESTER, NH-Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of [...]The post COBRA Extension Lets Terminated Employees Continue Raiding Office Fridge For 18 Months appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight [...]The post Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQB)
LANSING, MI-Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle's funeral reception said Party Size!" on it. We're going to need refreshments for at least 40 people, but it feels wrong having all these festive colors and exclamation [...]The post Only Bag Of Chips Big Enough For Funeral Reception Says Party Size!' On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQA)
LYNCHBURG, VA-In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic [...]The post Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA68)
The post Trump Says He Won't Rule Out Third Reich appeared first on The Onion.
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