The Onion

ACTON, MA-Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. Look at those rubes just inching along like a funeral procession while this lane's zipping past 'em like the Indy 500," the report [...]The post Report: Cars In Other Lane All Suckers appeared first on The Onion.

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has been indicted on five federal charges related to bribery, wire fraud, conspiracy, and soliciting campaign contributions from foreign nationals, with the unsealed indictment alleging illegal actions stretching back to 2014 when he was Brooklyn Borough president. What do you think?The post Eric Adams Indicted On Federal Corruption Charges appeared first on The Onion.

SI RACHA, THAILAND-Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. I've sacrificed everything to get where I am-everything-but it will disappear in an instant if some plucky upstart [...]The post Moo Deng Worried Chubbier, Feistier Pygmy Hippo Coming To Take This All Away appeared first on The Onion.

The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients' faces look frozen. FACT: The majority of Botox patients can easily move their face around with the help of their fingers MYTH: Botox is painful. [...]The post Botox: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Admitting they had not been keeping up on recent news about the venerable British actress, PBS officials told reporters Friday that they already had a Maggie Smith-themed marathon planned for today. Yes, we have been receiving quite a few messages about our regularly scheduled Weekend Of Dame Maggie marathon," said PBS spokeswoman Sandra Ryan, [...]The post PBS Already Had Maggie Smith Marathon Scheduled For Today appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-Breezing past security in the guise of a musician and entering the ballroom where his target was attending a cocktail party, area hit man Don Meston reportedly opened a guitar case Friday in which he had concealed the guitar he planned to beat his victim's ass with. There were guards out front, but I [...]The post Hit Man Opens Guitar Case Concealing Guitar He Going To Beat Target's Ass With appeared first on The Onion.

BAKERSFIELD, VT-Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. So was everything okay with your holy revelation? I'll probably head back to heaven soon if that's it-just a reminder that my name [...]The post Archangel Hangs Around After Delivering Message Hoping For Tip appeared first on The Onion.

WALKER, MI-Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs. He started out with some sheet music, but within minutes he was just hammering [...]The post Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songs appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Erratically waving a pistol as he declared himself a mayor with nothing left to lose, a panicked Eric Adams took multiple hostages Thursday at New York City Hall, according to reports from inside the building. I don't want to hurt any of you, but I also need everybody to be smart and not try [...]The post Panicked Eric Adams Takes City Hall Employees Hostage appeared first on The Onion.

The state of Missouri executed Marcellus Williams shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected a request for a delay, forging ahead despite forensics experts determining that he was not the source of DNA found on the knife used in the murder. What do you think?The post Missouri Executes Man Despite Questions About Evidence appeared first on The Onion.

This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United States. 1788: The forward-thinking founding fathers preemptively crack down on socialist subversion by banning The [...]The post Timeline Of Book Bans In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

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MANCHESTER, NH-Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person in his family to go to bed, sources confirmed Thursday. When my family first came to this country, none of them ever had the opportunity to go to bed, it [...]The post Man Becomes First In His Family To Go To Bed appeared first on The Onion.

HARTFORD, CT-Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand on the small of student Ellie Cruz's back Thursday, but in the parking lot. It's okay to get a little tense, but don't resist too much because that's how you [...]The post Yoga Teacher Puts Hand On Small Of Student's Back, But In Parking Lot appeared first on The Onion.

ROME-In a discovery shedding light on the earliest days of God's only son, biblical scholars revealed Wednesday that Mary stole the idea for Jesus' baby name from her best friend. According to some newly unearthed records from the time, we can confirm with some amount of certainty that Mary actually got the idea for the [...]The post Biblical Scholars Say Mary Stole Idea For Jesus' Baby Name From Friend appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After paramedics used a scalpel to open an airway and keep him from asphyxiating en route to the hospital, President Joe Biden was reportedly rushed into surgery at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday to remove a sock that had become lodged in his throat after he tried to eat it. While it's [...]The post Biden Rushed Into Surgery After Eating Sock appeared first on The Onion.

ALEXANDRIA, VA-Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. Hang on, there's no need to go looking high and low for the can opener-I've got this covered right here," said the [...]The post Dad Insists On Using Pocketknife To Open Can Of Chili appeared first on The Onion.

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Three Mile Island, the scene of the worst commercial nuclear accident in U.S. history, will reopen to power Microsoft's data centers, which are responsible for powering the tech giant's cloud computing and artificial intelligence programs. What do you think?The post Three Mile Island Nuclear Plant To Reopen To Power Microsoft Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.

CONCORD, NH-Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other's closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of various oils. Now peanut oil, that's fine to 440, maybe 445 on a good day," said Parker's friend [...]The post Dad And His Friends Just Standing In Yard Listing Smoke Points Of Various Oils appeared first on The Onion.

READING, PA-Pushing back the order's previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery-now I've got [...]The post Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Men appeared first on The Onion.

PARK CITY, UT- Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of time tomorrow to deal with the home invasion currently underway at his [...]The post Man Struggling To Sleep Reminds Self He Can Always Deal With Home Invasion In Morning appeared first on The Onion.

BRATTLEBORO, VT-Expressing frustration with the writer's ambiguous imagery and nonlinear writing style, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear what the fuck the poet they were reading was on about. He keeps describing the bright ovals' of someone's eyes, but he never says who the person is or how we're supposed to feel about her-it's [...]The post Unclear What The Fuck Poet On About appeared first on The Onion.

SIOUX FALLS, SD-Said to be glowing" as it garnered heaps of praise from stunned guests and event staff alike, the cake served following the wedding ceremony of a local couple Josh Tibbs and Cindy Blevins received more compliments than the bride, nuptial attendees reported Saturday. Absolutely lovely-I knew it would be pretty, but wow, who [...]The post Wedding Cake Gets More Compliments Than Bride appeared first on The Onion.

Instagram launched Teen Accounts" last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform. Beheading limits: Instagram will now nudge teen users once they've reached their 60 minutes of daily execution content. Grooming timer: [...]The post New Features Coming To Instagram's Teen Accounts' appeared first on The Onion.

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DALLAS-Facing serious consequences for multiple violations of the league's HR guidelines, local NFL referee Greg Clancy reportedly came under fire this weekend for watching pornography on his work instant replay device. Unfortunately, Mr. Clancy was caught using his device for inappropriate conduct in a blatant breach of the employee code prohibiting pornography in the workplace," [...]The post NFL Referee Under Fire For Watching Porn On Instant Replay Device appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence trials at the same time. It used to be that we would only have one or two big [...]The post NFL Sunday Ticket Allows Viewers To Simulcast Up To 4 Domestic Violence Trials At Once appeared first on The Onion.

YouTuber MrBeast is accused of creating unsafe employment conditions, including sexual harassment and misrepresenting contestants' odds at winning his new Amazon reality show's $5 million grand prize, in a lawsuit filed by five unnamed participants. What do you think?The post MrBeast Sued By Contestants For Unsafe Conditions appeared first on The Onion.

The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump's security. Reduce number of ex-goon hires: The fewer agents who stumble into a room saying, Uhh, what's dat over [...]The post Ways Secret Service Can Improve Trump's Security appeared first on The Onion.

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI-Discussing the Second Amendment with Oprah Winfrey at a Michigan town hall last night, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted she may have gotten too comfortable when she remarked that any home intruders, burglars, litterbugs, or slow walkers near her house could expect to be shot. If somebody breaks into my house, knocks on [...]The post They're Getting Shot,' Kamala Harris Warns Home Intruders, Burglars, Litterbugs, Slow Walkers appeared first on The Onion.

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RALEIGH, NC-In the wake of an explosive report that revealed several controversial posts the lieutenantgovernor had made years ago on a pornographic website, North Carolina voters across the state told reporters Friday that they had abandoned Republican gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson for Nude Africa user FootPapa12. Although we were previously excited to vote for Mark [...]The post North Carolina Voters Abandon Mark Robinson For Nude Africa User FootPapa12' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Troubled by the potential political fallout from the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate's scandal, the American Black Nazi Party was reportedly worried Friday that Mark Robinson could hurt its other candidates down the ballot. Mark Robinson does not represent the African American Third Reich," said American Black Nazi Party chairwoman Sandra Higgins, who warned that by [...]The post American Black Nazi Party Worried Mark Robinson Could Hurt Other Candidates Down Ballot appeared first on The Onion.

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OLAND, SWEDEN-Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn't want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I genuinely don't want you to make a big thing of slitting the throat of a fatted calf [...]The post Mother Earth Insists She Doesn't Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox appeared first on The Onion.

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL-Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth's residents stomping around overhead. It's just unbelievably frustrating to be flaying the skin of aglutton or sodomite and not even be able to hear their screams over [...]The post Hellspawn Annoyed By Sound Of Earth's Residents Stomping Around Overhead appeared first on The Onion.

AFTON, WI-Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy's surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. Damn, she's got hay in all the right places, don't she?" area man Jim Bickford said to a group of visibly dumbstruck bystanders who either leered and catcalled or stood with jaws agape [...]The post Scarecrow Has Double Ds appeared first on The Onion.

The Golden Bachelorette, the latest spin-off from The Bachelor franchise, premiered Wednesday night on ABC. Here is everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: Why is it called The Golden Bachelorette? A: It tested better with audiences than The Bachelorette Who Will Likely Die in the Not Too Distant Future. Q: [...]The post What To Know About The Golden Bachelorette' appeared first on The Onion.

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WHIPPANY, NJ-Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient's eggs to scare away sperm. This FDA-approved intrauterine owl can successfully frighten away sperm for up to eight years," said representative Quinn Hartford, who explained that the 32-millimeter [...]The post Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor beneath their living room carpet. It's in great shape for its age-I can't believe something this gorgeous was hidden under all that [...]The post New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

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