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The Onion

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Updated 2025-11-19 01:31
Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms
An Australian woman was found guilty of murdering three of her estranged husband's relatives by serving them beef Wellington laced with deathcap mushrooms. What do you think?The post Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms appeared first on The Onion.
Imposter Uses AI To Impersonate Marco Rubio
An AI-generated impostor posing as Secretary of State MarcoRubio contacted foreign ministers, a U.S. senator, and a governor, raising alarms as the technology becomes more accessible. What do you think?The post Imposter Uses AI To Impersonate Marco Rubio appeared first on The Onion.
Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds
AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to avoid humiliating themselves in front of their fellow conservatives, elected officials in Texas used a burner email to request funds from the Federal Emergency Management Agency following last week's devastating floods, sources reported Thursday. I set up an anonymous account, floodmoney@hotmail.com, and shamefully requested more than $70 million in disaster [...]The post Texas Politicians Used Burner Email To Request FEMA Funds appeared first on The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid
GOP lawmakers in the House and Senate officially passed Trump's Big Beautiful Bill," including provisions that slashed funding for public health care programs by more than $1 trillion. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these steep cuts to Medicaid. PRO Will finally motivate poor Americans who've been putting off becoming billionaires Fewer people [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid appeared first on The Onion.
Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken
WASHINGTON-A warm rush pulsing through his body as he stared at the clean white feathers that covered the rendering of his body, something forbidden reportedly stirred deep within President Donald Trump on Thursday after he saw a political cartoon depicting him as a chicken. White House sources confirmed that Trump barked, Out, everybody out," to [...]The post Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires
WALNUT CREEK, CA-Expressing relief that he finally had the free time to explore his interests and hobbies, local 64-year-old dad Peter Hopkins announced Thursday that he was spending his retirement untangling a big mess of wires. I've been wanting to go through this stuff for ages," said the former account director, who reportedly paced back [...]The post Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires appeared first on The Onion.
Study: 97% Of Average American’sDaySpent Retrieving6-Digit Codes
CHICAGO-Shedding light on how technology increasingly shapes everyday life, a study published Thursday by the American Journal Of Sociologyrevealed that the average American dedicates 97% of theirdayto retrieving six-digit validation codes. Our findings suggest thatU.S. residentsspend roughly 23 hours eachday-or 160 hours every week-attempting to log in to online services, being told they need to [...]The post Study: 97% Of Average American'sDaySpent Retrieving6-Digit Codes appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad
BASTROP, TX-After news broke that the company's AI tool had shared several antisemitic posts to X, Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he'd scrubbed the social media platform of the Jewish users who made Grok mad. We are aware of several inappropriate posts made by our xAI chatbot, and we are working to remove the Jews [...]The post Elon Musk Scrubs X Of Jewish Users Who Made Grok Mad appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Announces Formation Of New ‘America Party’
Elon Musk has announced the formation of the America Party" in response to President Donald Trump's tax and spending bill, escalating their feud and aiming to challenge lawmakers who supported it. What do you think?The post Elon Musk Announces Formation Of New America Party' appeared first on The Onion.
Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded
KERRVILLE, TX-Promising grieving Texans he would do everything in his power to make things right in the wake of last week's deadly floods, Sen. Ted Cruz assured his constituents Wednesday that he was working tirelessly to get the rest of his Greek vacation refunded. I have spent countless hours on the phone persuading Capital One [...]The post Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded appeared first on The Onion.
Pam Bondi: ‘What Is The DOJ Hiding?’
WASHINGTON-Casting doubts on the agency's recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. The department's memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide-that's very suspicious, don't you think?" [...]The post Pam Bondi: What Is The DOJ Hiding?' appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate
AUSTIN, TX-Realizing that every uterus had already been conquered, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly wept Wednesday, for there were no more women for him to impregnate. I have sown the many fields with my seed and reaped a bountiful harvest, yet now there are no new vessels to bear my fruit," said Musk, who gazed [...]The post Elon Musk Weeps, For There Are No More Women To Impregnate appeared first on The Onion.
What’s Causing Problems With Flights Across America
The post What's Causing Problems With Flights Across America appeared first on The Onion.
Death Row Inmate Chooses ‘Ham Sandwich And Ice Cream’ As Last Words
The post Death Row Inmate Chooses Ham Sandwich And Ice Cream' As Last Words appeared first on The Onion.
Ted Cruz: ‘Vacationing Is How I Grieve’
The post Ted Cruz: Vacationing Is How I Grieve' appeared first on The Onion.
Poll Finds What Makes Someone ‘Cool’ Similar Across Cultures
Researchers who polled 6,000 people from the U.S., Australia, Chile, China, Germany, India, Mexico, Nigeria, Spain, South Africa, South Korea, and Turkey found a cross-cultural consensus about the personality traits that make someone cool," in which cool people were universally viewed as more extroverted, hedonistic, powerful, adventurous, open, and autonomous than their peers. What do [...]The post Poll Finds What Makes Someone Cool' Similar Across Cultures appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo
WASHINGTON-Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company's founders, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday adding his face to the Pep Boys logo. After all my tremendous work on behalf of American car owners, many have said that I should have my image up there with [...]The post Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo appeared first on The Onion.
Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead
ITHACA, NY-Scoffing at the idea that the players would be able to properly honor their victory anywhere else, the owner of local tilestoreAll Stone and Tile was reportedly offended Tuesday that theLittleLeague baseball team he sponsored had celebrated its win at apizza place instead. So I guess we spent several hours setting aside all thesetileswe [...]The post Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead appeared first on The Onion.
Michael Jordan’s Former Chicagoland Mansion Listed On Airbnb
A suburban mansion once home to NBA legend Michael Jordan is now available to rent on Airbnb, boasting seven bedrooms, 17.5 bathrooms, infinity pool, movie theater, cigar lounge, salon, full-size basketball court, and more, costing more than $100,000 for a seven-night stay. What do you think?The post Michael Jordan's Former Chicagoland Mansion Listed On Airbnb appeared first on The Onion.
Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State
LOS ANGELES-Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed," said Sears, who explained [...]The post Insecure Woman Doesn't Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State appeared first on The Onion.
Completely Charmless Flower Girl Walks Directly Down Aisle
CANYON LAKE, TX-Remarking that the 3-year-old didn't even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or [...]The post Completely Charmless Flower Girl Walks Directly Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.
ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review
SAN DIEGO-Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave a negative review. It takes a lot of nerve to complain about slow service after [...]The post ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Lorde
New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what's next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you've gotten older? Lorde: When I was younger I was really intimidated by the black keys on the piano, but now I [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lorde appeared first on The Onion.
Study Finds Tiny Nose Robots Can Be Used To Clean Sinuses
Researchers in China claim that swarms of medical nano-robots the size of a speck of dust could someday be used to clean out infected human sinuses after successfully testing the technology in the nasal cavities of animals. What do you think?The post Study Finds Tiny Nose Robots Can Be Used To Clean Sinuses appeared first on The Onion.
Royal Train To Be Decommissioned
King Charles will retire the royal train," a private rail line established in 1840 to transport members of the royal family across Britain, in an attempt to modernize the monarchy and cut down on costs. What do you think?The post Royal Train To Be Decommissioned appeared first on The Onion.
What’s In Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill
President Donald Trump's budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in The One Big Beautiful Bill Act." Funding for something called The Facility." Smaller, phone booth-sized detention boxes on every American street corner. Coupon for buy two get one free" 12-packs of [...]The post What's In Trump's Big Beautiful Bill appeared first on The Onion.
Killer Tune
The post Killer Tune appeared first on The Onion.
Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts
CHICAGO-Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown [...]The post Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Summer Box Office Preview
The post The Onion's Summer Box Office Preview appeared first on The Onion.
Stephen Miller Informed Wife Will Be Working Late On Baby For Elon Again
The post Stephen Miller Informed Wife Will Be Working Late On Baby For Elon Again appeared first on The Onion.
Jared Leto Teases ‘Tron: Ares’ Villain Will Be Teen Girl Who Lies For Attention
LOS ANGELES-Revealing new details about the highly anticipated film, actor and producer Jared Leto teased Wednesday that the villain in Tron: Ares would be a teenage girl who lies for attention. If you thought Clu was scary in the last film, just wait until you meet Kaylee," said Leto, who shared that the antagonist would [...]The post Jared Leto Teases Tron: Ares' Villain Will Be Teen Girl Who Lies For Attention appeared first on The Onion.
Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks
The post Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
Tinder To Require Face Verification For New Users
Tinder is rolling out a mandatory Face Check feature in California, prompting users to undergo a biometric face scan to verify their identity before they can use the app. What do you think?The post Tinder To Require Face Verification For New Users appeared first on The Onion.
FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle
SILVER SPRING, MD-Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. Toss 'em here," said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not [...]The post FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle appeared first on The Onion.
Report: Average American’s Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex
WASHINGTON-Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American's plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, [...]The post Report: Average American's Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.
WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion
NEW YORK-Calling it a historic moment" in women's basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark," said WNBA commissioner Cathy [...]The post WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross
The post Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross appeared first on The Onion.
Cold Plunges: Myth Vs. Fact
Cold plunges, also known as ice baths, are an increasingly popular wellness trend. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding cold plunges. MYTH: Cold plunges are only for celebrities and athletes. FACT: They're also for people easily influenced by them. MYTH: People with heart conditions should avoid cold plunges. FACT: People who hate cold [...]The post Cold Plunges: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
Windows To Phase Out ‘Blue Screen Of Death’
Windows will no longer display the operating system's infamous blue screen of death" when something goes wrong, removing the signature frowning face that accompanied the crash notice in favor of a shorter message and plain black screen. What do you think?The post Windows To Phase Out Blue Screen Of Death' appeared first on The Onion.
Tesla Robotaxi Keeps Changing Subject To White Genocide
The post Tesla Robotaxi Keeps Changing Subject To White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.
‘1000-Lb Sisters’ Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching
ATLANTA-Reminding you that the views expressed in the show serve as a reflection of your own depravity, a disclaimer that aired Tuesday at the beginning of TLC's 1000-Lb Sisters stated that something is very wrong with you for watching this. WARNING: The following episode speaks to the deeply and irrevocably messed up part of your [...]The post 1000-Lb Sisters' Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching appeared first on The Onion.
Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity
WASHINGTON-Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company's surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. So what's neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from [...]The post Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity appeared first on The Onion.
Harrison Ford Glares With Exhaustion As Disney Pitches Resurrecting Han Solo With Cybernetic Torso
The post Harrison Ford Glares With Exhaustion As Disney Pitches Resurrecting Han Solo With Cybernetic Torso appeared first on The Onion.
Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion
LONDON-Receiving the warning shortly after first-round matches got underway at Wimbledon, tennis player Daniil Medvedev was issued a code violation Monday for an un-British display of emotion.Code violation, Medvedev, for verbally expressing frustration," said chair umpire Oliver Gladwin-Taylor, reminding both players that they must keep things stoic" after Medvedev audibly sighed and slightly shook his [...]The post Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion appeared first on The Onion.
Sweaty Corn Making Summer More Humid
Midwestern corn crops are releasing vast amounts of moisture into the air, known as corn sweat", which, combined with rising temperatures and expanded planting, is fueling increasingly sticky summer humidity. What do you think?The post Sweaty Corn Making Summer More Humid appeared first on The Onion.
Tips For Keeping Pets Safe In Hot Weather
While it can be fun to spend the summer days outdoors with your furry friends, it's important to remember that animals are highly susceptible to the dangers of extreme temperatures. Here are The Onion's tips for keeping your pets safe in hot weather. Make sure they only wear loose, cotton fur. Limit their alcohol intake. [...]The post Tips For Keeping Pets Safe In Hot Weather appeared first on The Onion.
Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic
WASHINGTON-In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone's a damn critic these days. It is this court's opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views-even when no one asks," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic appeared first on The Onion.
North Korea Opens Beach Resort
North Korea is opening a beach resort that its leader Kim Jong-Un hopes will boost tourism in the secretive communist regime. What do you think?The post North Korea Opens Beach Resort appeared first on The Onion.
Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos
MADISON, WI-Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of [...]The post Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos appeared first on The Onion.
Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. Mom, Dad, this is it-I quit," said Ma, who exhaled and then winced as his parents immediately reacted to the consequential words by simultaneously exclaiming But you [...]The post Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello appeared first on The Onion.
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