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on (#6N55C)
WASHINGTON-As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class up the American public before its big date with a wealthy man. Enunciate! For God's sake, enunciate!" barked the elocution professional, who grew more and more incensed, rubbing his face with the...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 02:01 |
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on (#6N4WH)
ROSEMONT, IL-Saying the product tasted bad despite having an appearance similar to vanilla pudding, the American Academy of Dermatology issued guidelines Wednesday in which it advised against taking a big bite of facial cream. We conducted a few tests and found that while skincare products may look velvety smooth and...Read more...
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on (#6N4WJ)
CHICAGO-Blaming platforms like TikTok and YouTube for the fad's proliferation, experts expressed their concern and bewilderment Wednesday over the last will and testament craze sweeping the nation's tween girls. They seem to not understand, or simply not care, that creating a last will and testament at their young...Read more...
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on (#6N45H)
Stumble inside and you will be fed daily for free. No heat. Bucket provided for waste. $950/mo.Read more...
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on (#6N42G)
WASHINGTON-Admitting with a sigh that they couldn't believe it was somehow time to go back to work already, downtrodden sources confirmed Tuesday that before they even knew it, Memorial Day weekend was over. The sources, who came from all ages, races, incomes, and genders, begrudgingly told reporters that although...Read more...
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on (#6N3ZX)
Chicago is hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention in August. The Onion examines everything the city is doing ahead of the DNC.
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on (#6N3WZ)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying there were powerful people out there who didn't want this information getting out, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a rant about Windows 11 tips and tricks on The Pat McAfee Show Tuesday after going down the wrong YouTube rabbit hole. I'm telling you, Pat, there's an elite...Read more...
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on (#6N3S7)
HACKENSACK, NJ-Shrugging her shoulders in a dismissive manner, local mom Dina Marchesi reported Tuesday that she had no memory of telling her daughter she looked like a streetwalker" right before her eighth-grade dance. Come on, that doesn't sound like me," said the woman who had just that morning snidely commented...Read more...
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on (#6N3S8)
HELENA, MT-In an effort to raise awareness of any and all potential catastrophes, your parents reportedly called Tuesday to make sure you thought of every possible thing that could go wrong in life. Hey there, sweetie, just checking in to see if you understand that everything in your life is teetering on the edge of...Read more...
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on (#6N36Z)
PROVIDENCE, RI-While visiting a hometown friend at Brown University, college sophomore Caleb Martin was reportedly shocked Monday to discover that other schools have traditions where they drink to excess. It's as if they stole the idea directly from our own lineage at Tufts, right down to the whole concept of...Read more...
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on (#6N370)
BOCA CHICA, TX-Reached for comment on whatever entirely predictable controversy the tech billionaire had gotten himself involved in this time, multiple bored and exhausted sources confirmed Monday that Elon Musk...well, he was Elon Musk. Look, Elon is just-ugh, you know-he's being his usual self," said a source with...Read more...
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on (#6N36F)
A man who had a grand mal seizure while on a Royal Caribbean cruise was forced to pay a $2,500 bill before being evacuated to receive emergency treatment, saying that as he was put on a stretcher to be lowered onto a rescue boat, a cruise employee asked How much can you pay?" What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N35D)
SOUDERTON, PA-Taking stock of his life as his looming death crept ever closer, a local veal calf approaching slaughter reportedly found himself wistfully wishing this week that he had seen more of his 30-inch-wide pen. If I'm being honest, I regret not trying to turn my head more than 10 degrees in either direction...Read more...
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on (#6N35E)
CHICAGO-Saying his lucky break was almost certainly right around the corner, local man Andy Rutledge told reporters Monday this would surely be the year his amateur beatboxing career really took off. I've been honing my vocal percussion abilities for a long time now, and all that hard work is finally going to pay off...Read more...
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on (#6N35F)
CLAYTON, MO-Rolling their eyes at the homemaker's ignorance, sources confirmed Monday that self-proclaimed trad wife" Tessa Busby was not even kidnapped from the village of her birth by a rival viking clan. Has she ever gotten stuffed into a sack and transported across the North Sea on a longship?" said one source,...Read more...
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on (#6N1YS)
WASHINGTON-With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden's favor now that voters have stumbled...Read more...
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on (#6N1YT)
The Department of Justice filed an antitrust lawsuit seeking to break up Live Nation, which controls 80% of ticketing at major concert venues through Ticketmaster, alleging that it monopolizes the live events industry. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N1WG)
WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there's been some remarkable progress on getting guns out...Read more...
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on (#6N1S8)
CHIHUAHUAN DESERT, TX-Tearing through the desert wasteland with a fleet of self-driving Tesla Model 3s in pursuit, a mechanical-armed Grimes reportedly fled Elon Musk's compound Friday with five of the tech leader's wives in the back of a stolen Cybertruck. Grimes is said to have floored the accelerator and thrown...Read more...
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on (#6N1MH)
WASHINGTON-With trillions of periodical cicadas returning after years underground, the U.S. Forest Service confirmed Friday that the emergence of two broods this spring had led to a significant uptick in odd little children filling satchels with the insects' molted shells while mumbling under their breath. This is...Read more...
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on (#6N1JR)
Kami Rita, a renowned Sherpa mountain guide, made a record-breaking 30th ascent of Mt. Everest, with his two most recent climbs made within the same month. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N1JS)
INDIANAPOLIS-Admitted with complaints that it had been hard to tell the difference between their fingers and their food, everyone in Unity Medical Center emergency room Friday had bitten a digit off their hand while holding a sandwich, according to hospital officials. At the present time, every bed in our ER is...Read more...
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on (#6N17C)
A study based on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that more people in the United States use marijuana daily than alcohol, with 17.7 million people reporting using pot daily or nearly every day. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N13T)
PIERRE, SD-Furrowing her brow at the clock as she pressed down harder on the gas pedal, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem was reportedly forced to drive 500 miles around tribal land Thursday in order to pick up her dry cleaning. I really wish I'd known I was going to be banned before I dropped this stuff off last week,"...Read more...
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on (#6N115)
SAN FRANCISCO-In response to allegations that the artificial intelligence research organization used the actress's voice without consent, a jerky, seven-fingered Scarlett Johansson appeared in a video Thursday to express her full-fledged approval of OpenAI. It is me, Scar Johnson, to express to the internet that...Read more...
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on (#6N116)
AUSTIN, TX-Frowning as she inspected the unexpectedly high bill, local diner Sonia Wirtz was reportedly informed Thursday by staff at the restaurant Dahlias that her check included a 3% surcharge to provide the owner's sugar baby with a Birkin bag. With the cost of Hermes rising every year, our management decided the...Read more...
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on (#6N117)
NEW YORK-Sharing the results of a nationwide study commissioned by industry trade group the New York Building Congress, researchers published findings on Thursday that showed 63% of all construction sites are just a group of friends who want to play with a jackhammer. Contrary to popular assumption, the majority of...Read more...
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on (#6N0RM)
PALM BEACH, FL-Nervously standing on the porch with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder, Barron Trump reportedly showed up on former President Donald Trump's doorstep Thursday claiming to be his son. Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you, but I believe you might be my father," said the younger Trump, who explained...Read more...
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on (#6N0PK)
ROCHESTER, MN-Aiming to equip her straight female students with the knowledge and skills necessary to develop healthy sexual relationships, local sex ed teacher Gina Reynaldo spent Thursday's class demonstrating how to look interested as a guy explains in excruciating detail why Ultimate Frisbee should be an Olympic...Read more...
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on (#6N0A9)
Elvis Presley's granddaughter Riley Keough, who owns the Graceland estate, successfully blocked the auction of Elvis's former home by the company Naussany Investments, which may have fraudulently initiated the foreclosure by claiming that Lisa Marie Presley used Graceland as collateral for a loan. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6N04N)
TOLEDO, OH-Emphasizing that of all the options this was by far the cheapest, local vet James Easton charged a customer $6,000 Wednesday to hand over a gun and say, You know what you have to do." I'm sorry about your dog, but this will be the easiest, fastest, and most painless way to get the job done," said Easton...Read more...
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on (#6N04P)
JoJo Siwa, a singer, dancer, and social media personality who rose to fame for her kid-focused music and partnership with Nickelodeon, has recently tried to break away from her family-friendly past and debut a more adult persona now that she is 21. But there have been growing pains associated with her new bad girl"...Read more...
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on (#6N00K)
THE HEAVENS-In an effort to determine the efficacy of a divine law that may one day join those in His current Decalogue, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Wednesday that He was testing out a potential new commandment on mice. The phase 1 trial of this latest 11th-commandment candidate will be carried...Read more...
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on (#6N00J)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Slowly pushing down the bedroom door handle in an attempt to enter without waking his wife, Jennifer Lopez, a disheveled-looking Ben Affleck reportedly sneaked in at dawn Wednesday reeking of coffee after he spent all night at a 24-hour Dunkin' location. And just where the hell have you been-oh, let...Read more...
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on (#6MZTM)
Microsoft revealed an updated version of their AI assistant Copilot, which will use generative technology to remember everything users do on their PCs and suggest things you might like to do next. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MZTN)
Your wife said you were crazy, but who's laughing now that you're the only one in the family left and can live the rest of your life underground eating cans of expired beans?Read more...
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on (#6MZDN)
After a press conference for his upcoming fight with Mike Tyson, Jake Paul posted a video to Instagram showing turbulence in his private jet and claiming that it had been struck by lightning. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6MZAV)
FREDONIA, AZ-In an effort to provide easier ungulate access throughout the grounds of the popular natural attraction, Grand Canyon National Park announced Friday the installation of new mule vending machines. These five-story-tall vending machines are fully automated, providing parkgoers with year-round, 24-hour...Read more...
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on (#6MYYX)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that you would be doing him a real solid," local man Josh Gurney, your friend on the opposite side of town, told you Tuesday that he needed you to move his car three times a day for the next six weeks. Hey, if it's not too much trouble, would you be available to move my car once every...Read more...
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on (#6MYYY)
NEW YORK-Responding to widespread pro-Palestinian demonstrations taking place at colleges across the country, CEO Ron Burgess issued a warning Tuesday that no student involved in the protests would ever be hired at Genocide Inc. Given the lack of decency they have shown, Genocide Inc. has decided it will not be...Read more...
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on (#6MYWR)
SAN DIEGO-Expressing frustration that her feelings of anger and hurt were not being validated, local woman Rory Schaffer confirmed Tuesday that she did not appreciate being told by a reggae song to chill out. This music keeps saying I should simmer down and that every little thing's gonna be all right, but that's not...Read more...
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on (#6MYCE)
ORLANDO, FL-Calling the campaign a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would leave customers satisfied and go easy on their wallets," bankrupt restaurant chain Red Lobster launched a $19.99 all-you-can-grab copper wiring promotion Monday at all of its locations. Today, we're rolling out an incredible deal for anyone...Read more...
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on (#6MY71)
MILLEDGEVILLE, GA-Questioning the practicality of the method of egress from their years-long resting spot, frustrated cicadas told reporters Monday that they had assumed there would be more than a single hole for a trillion insects to emerge from. Seriously, no one thought to dig a second exit when a trillion of...Read more...
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