The Onion

NEW YORK-Calling the strategy an effective solution" for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any unopened bills in the trash. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by invoices piling up-those things are the worst-so just get rid of them," said Goldman Sachs advisor Adam Bridge, adding [...]The post Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills appeared first on The Onion.

WATERBURY, VT-Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. If we didn't have decades of memories together, there's no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life," [...]The post Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now appeared first on The Onion.

The post Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,' Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma's Health appeared first on The Onion.

LARCHMONT, NY-Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away, the parents of local teen Sutton Langford expressed concern Monday that their son was falling in with the wrong socioeconomic class. I don't know what went wrong-we've always tried to funnel him towards wealthy, high-class people," said [...]The post Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers' opening drive against the Browns. He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he's on the turf clutching his head, screaming for [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible appeared first on The Onion.

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations ramp up across the country, so has misinformation. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding ICE raids. MYTH: ICE agents lack proper training. FACT: Most have been racists their entire lives. MYTH: ICE raids do nothing to reduce crime. FACT: A fruit vendor who sold mangoes that weren't quite ripe [...]The post ICE Raids: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murders committed by 5-year-olds since they began detaining children. Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don't lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are [...]The post ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began appeared first on The Onion.

MEKELE, ETHIOPIA-Expressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated Friday after a swarm he organized was only attended by 40 million other members of his species. Oh man, I thought everyone would be more excited to cause a famine," said the newly gregarious African grasshopper, adding [...]The post Locust Humiliated Swarm He Organized Only Got 40 Million Attendees appeared first on The Onion.

BRECKSVILLE, OH-Speculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty Goose Tavern confirmed Friday there was currently a Central European guy sitting at the other end of the bar watching some weird sport with mallets on his phone. He's been [...]The post Central European Guy At Other End Of Bar Watching Some Sport With Mallets On Phone appeared first on The Onion.

NASHVILLE, TN-Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Movesoundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on [...]The post Nicole Kidman Tosses The Garfield Movie' Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile appeared first on The Onion.

The post Task' Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie appeared first on The Onion.

The post Paul McCartney Now Openly Referring To Self As Last-Living Beatle' appeared first on The Onion.

Despite his family's pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.The post Richard Blakely appeared first on The Onion.

Unlike anything you've already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America's most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.The post The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

On Sept. 25, President Trump issued a directive called National Security Presidential Memorandum 7 in which anti-Americanism, anti-capitalism, and anti-Christianity" were described as common threads" of domestic terrorism. Here is everything you need to know about NSPM-7. Q: What is NSPM-7? A: A key term for future AP U.S. History students in the Rise of [...]The post What To Know About NSPM-7 appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kristi Noem: Antifa Is A Highly Sophisticated Islamic Proto-State That Controlled Territory In Iraq And Syria From 2013-2019' appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO-As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on [...]The post Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis appeared first on The Onion.

BRENTWOOD, TN-Taking to Instagram to address recent concerns from her fans, country music icon Dolly Parton shared a video Thursday in which she confirmed her sister is a shit-stirring bitch. Hey y'all, I know there's been a lot of speculation about what's going on with me these days, but I want you to know that [...]The post Dolly Parton Shares Video Confirming Sister A Shit-Stirring Bitch appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Unsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, NationalGuard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have begun aimlessly going door to door and asking residents if they have any order they might need restored, sources confirmed Thursday. Hi there, ma'am-I was wondering if you'd seen any [...]The post BoredNationalGuard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, to add a cancer warning to Earth. The Creator of All Things has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer, and now He must [...]The post Legal Ruling Forces God To Add Cancer Warning To Earth appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to curb speculation regarding the physical health of the commander-in-chief, Capt. Sean Barbabella, physician to the president and director of the White House Medical Unit, confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump has far more bones" than any U.S. president on record. Every time we examine the president's body, we find more and more [...]The post White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President appeared first on The Onion.

Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for sole custody over a cat.The post Carlie Beams and Drew Jones appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man Scooter' appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur genius grant' was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention of the eatin' shirt, a big ol' shirt he puts on before supper so his good shirt doesn't get all dirty. All these stains you see here on my eatin' [...]The post MacArthur Genius Grant' Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin' Shirt appeared first on The Onion.

Listen, no one's trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate the terms of your plea agreement. Reference #18793The post Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park appeared first on The Onion.

Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly unnerved since Shohei Ohtani's interpreter, Will Ireton, began referring to the two-way superstar as The Host." According to team sources, Ireton's relationship with Ohtani has taken on a different, more [...]The post Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As The Host' appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a big adventure" planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had carried out a strike on Scuffy the Tugboat. Little Scuffy wasn't content with merely floating around in the bathtub, so he made for the nearest [...]The post U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat appeared first on The Onion.

RISHIKESH, INDIA-In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot reportedly traveled to India this week to begin the psychedelic, free-love phase of their career.The rishi has been teaching us a lot of different things about pain and anger, and [...]The post Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career appeared first on The Onion.

The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.The post Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak appeared first on The Onion.

While it's natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life. The Onion shares tips for making friends as an adult. Start calling your parents by their first names. Find a volunteer cause you can immediately dispense with the second your [...]The post Tips For Making Friends As An Adult appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKHOLM-In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person [...]The post Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Seeing his fiancee in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift'sThe Life Of A Showgirl. It's kind of weird I've only known her for two years, don't you think?" said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his [...]The post Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album appeared first on The Onion.

MESA, AZ-As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord.Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by," Walker [...]The post Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord's Visit appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the military's ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities. According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use [...]The post Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam appeared first on The Onion.

LOS GATOS, CA-With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers.In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix remains at the forefront of [...]The post Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers appeared first on The Onion.

Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but 'tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evening's time. Reference #35615The post Wouldst This Suit M'Lord? appeared first on The Onion.

The post Breach Party appeared first on The Onion.

Good Boy, a horror movie told from the point of view of its dog protagonist, comes to theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Good Boy about? A: A loyal dog discovers supernatural forces lurking in his crotch that must be exorcised through intense licking. [...]The post What To Know About Good Boy' appeared first on The Onion.

My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman...and this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking account...in the bonds of holy moly, this wedding is expensive! Ding-dong, loyal readers! Wedding bells are ringing around the Dudek household. (Or maybe that's the cha-ching of the cash register.) [...]The post The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y! appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN-After a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he had only ever loved the idea of a fried egg on a hamburger.I thought the sunny-side up burger upgrade was what I really wanted, but I've come to see that [...]The post Heartbroken Man Realizes He Only Loved Idea Of Fried Egg On Burger appeared first on The Onion.