The Onion

LOS ANGELES-In a desperate effort to get production of the animated film sequel back on schedule, Garfield Movie 2 director Mark Dindal reportedly begged lead voice actor Chris Pratt to stop ad-libbing Bible verses Thursday.The line is Is that lasagna I smell?' not A companion of gluttons shames his father,'" said Dindal, storming into the [...]The post Garfield' Director BegsChris Pratt To Stop Ad-Libbing Bible Verses appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom spent Sunday under the impression that they were cementing their union in the eyes of God, who unfortunately was busy watching a Frasier rerun at the time.The post Delaney Airhart and Jack Trusler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the upcoming collaboration their most ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering," U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Wednesday that they had tapped Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, to design their latest migrant detention center. In a press release, the Department of Homeland Security praised Rader, who rose to prominence for [...]The post ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Reacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money.Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother," said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her [...]The post Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money appeared first on The Onion.

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This warm, cozy home is move-in ready and features a pile of 100,000 acorns gathered by the previous owner. Reference #882011The post Hibernation-Ready appeared first on The Onion.

Mountain-climbing enthusiast Derek Sanders, 37, tragically fell to his death Friday on the escalator of an REI.The post Derek Sanders appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Attempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis Garcia reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field," said Garcia, nervously gripping [...]The post Terrified Adolis Garcia Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic appeared first on The Onion.

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I used to struggle with my finances. Every month I'd stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important [...]The post Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face.After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe [...]The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.

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Everyone thought it was strange that the least attractive of the sisters was the first to be married, but no one expected the officiant to announce it.The post Lucy Hastings and Sebastian Gonzalez appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a chaotic scene that sent rising stars, supermodels, and A-list actors scattering, the Met Gala ended abruptly Monday night after Anna Wintour's parents reportedly got home early. According to sources, the sight of the Met Gala co-chair's parents pulling into the Metropolitan Museum of Art driveway caused considerable alarm and distress among the [...]The post Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintour's Parents Get Home Early appeared first on The Onion.

DANIA BEACH, FL-Reversing its company-wide shutdown after the sudden influx of capital, Spirit Airlines resumed business Monday after its CEO Dave Davis reportedly found a nickel on the ground. This incredible new funding source will allow Spirit to continue operating for years, even decades," said Davis, noting that the serendipitous surge in resources would give [...]The post Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground appeared first on The Onion.

WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Emerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York City mayor was now in liquid but stable condition. We're relieved to report that, aside from some minor ripples and dribbling, the mayor is currently in a safe fluid state," said [...]The post Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition appeared first on The Onion.

The city of Westminster, CA redesignated a street from All American Way" to Charlie Kirk Way," with the mayor claiming the change isn't political. What do you think?The post City Renames Street To Honor Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what political analysts have called a major escalation" in the commander-in-chief's antagonism toward the cultural icon, President Donald Trump made a number of public comments this week dramatically ratcheting up his rhetoric against Snoopy. At an event honoring Gold Star families Friday, Trump reportedly deviated from his prepared remarks to criticize the cartoon beagle [...]The post Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy appeared first on The Onion.

With societal collapse right around the corner, it might be time to roll the dice on this stunning ranch home that will make the perfect fortification against debt collectors or roving cannibal gangs. Reference #894710The post It's Not Like You'll Have To Pay It Off appeared first on The Onion.

According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the harmful particles. Use water bottles made of 100% wool. Drink from single-use plastic cups instead of biting into them. Buy your children wooden toys instead of fun ones. Line your mouth [...]The post Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics appeared first on The Onion.

MURCIA, SPAIN-Sending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Withdraws From French Open Over Career-Threatening Haircut appeared first on The Onion.

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BOULDER, CO-Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone's penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations [...]The post Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation appeared first on The Onion.

The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event. 1 in 3 Invitees aware the Met is a museum 5th Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala $25 Target gift card awarded to [...]The post The Met Gala By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

HUNT VALLEY, MD-Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick & Co. introduced a first-of-its-kind smooth and hearty transdermal gravy patch Tuesday. At McCormick, we know well the frustrations and difficult side effects that come with abrupt attempts to quit gravy, so [...]The post McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch appeared first on The Onion.

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The Justice Department indicted former FBI director James Comey a second time for posting a photo of seashells arranged in the shape of 86 47," which Trump and his allies insisted was a threat to get rid of the 47th president. What do you think?The post James Comey Indicted Over Seashell Photo appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Mortified at the effect his blundering might have on delicate relations between the two countries, Japanese diplomat Ryuto Tanaka confirmed Thursday that he was worried he had embarrassed himself in front of Kid Rock. This is a man of great importance in the United States, and I have dishonored myself as well as the Japanese [...]The post Japanese Diplomat Worried He Embarrassed Himself In Front Of Kid Rock appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Instructing his client to drop what she was doing and take a look in today's New York Times, talent agent Jeremy Weinrib informed Rita Ora on Thursday that he had scored the singer another prime crossword puzzle placement. Two down, top left, that's all you baby," said Weinrib, who urged Ora to pop a [...]The post Rita Ora's Agent Scores Singer Another Prime Crossword Puzzle Placement appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen roosters materialize Thursday over a random point in the Pacific Ocean. Yo, Gabriel, check this shit out!" the wasted Creator of All Things said while jostling the archangel on the shoulder [...]The post Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean appeared first on The Onion.

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Influencer Braden Peters, better known as Clavicular, has generated controversy for his looksmaxxing" content. The Onion sat down with the streamer to discuss his views, methods, and aspirations. The Onion: Do you consider your methods to be extreme? Clavicular: I get called extreme, but no one blinks an eye when Ms. Rachel tells kids to [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Clavicular appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Expressing confusion over whether they were witnessing a sanctioned in-game antic or the feral behavior of a mascot gone rogue, Philadelphia Flyers fans reported Tuesday that they weren't sure if Gritty was actually supposed to be eating a live bird.He went straight from a silly hula dance to this-is it part of the bit or [...]The post Flyers Fans Not SureWhether Gritty Supposed To Be Eating Live Bird appeared first on The Onion.

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King Charles III and his wife Queen Camilla arrived in the U.S. to attend a state dinner at the White House, highlighting the countries' special relationship" amid strained diplomatic relations. What do you think?The post King Charles Visits U.S. For State Dinner appeared first on The Onion.