The Onion

CLEVELAND-Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be a good time to get into dog fighting. Before, my life was just football, but now I actually have the time, energy, and drive to get into hobbies like canine [...]The post Deshaun Watson Figures Now A Good Time To Get Into Dog Fighting appeared first on The Onion.

More than 250,000 Washington Post readers have canceled their subscriptions since the newspaper announced last week that it would not make an endorsement in the presidential race, with many arguing that owner Jeff Bezos made the decision to safeguard his other business interests. What do you think?The post Washington Post' Loses 250,000 Subscribers Over Decision To End Presidential Endorsements appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to ensure only properly credentialed individuals are allowed to participate in the political franchise, a new law passed Thursday in Indiana requires all women voters to show their husband's ID before they can be issued a ballot. As part of our election integrity program, women must arrive at their polling place with [...]The post New Indiana Law Requires Women Voters To Show Husband's ID appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside a locked White House supply closet. Sources confirmed that while the president received repeated assurances from senior advisorBen LaBolt that he would be right back," the whining has become increasingly [...]The post Biden Whimpering From Inside White House Supply Closet appeared first on The Onion.

The controversial new ad from the Trump campaign openly promises the murder of various political rivals, celebrities, and even a handful of ordinary citizens.The post New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He'll Kill If Elected appeared first on The Onion.

This Tuesday, millions of American citizens will exercise their right to vote. The Onion presents a historical timeline of how voting rights in the U.S. have developed. 1776: Framers grant voting rights to all their boys: Big Jeff, Mikey G., Nick T., Nick P., Skinny Rick, and Timbo. 1920: The suffragettes win the right to [...]The post History Of Voting Rights In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

NORWICH, CT-Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treater, please!" said Jenkins, holding a large sack open in anticipation, his costume consisting of nothing more than a functioning ankle monitor. Oh cool, a full-size Darth Vader! Can I please [...]The post Pervert Goes Door To Door Asking For Trick-Or-Treaters appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has betrayed him. According to sources, the Welsh corgi's quiet acceptance of his fate [...]The post Dog Looks At Owner Who Put It In Costume Like Mafia Don Betrayed By Loyal Consigliere appeared first on The Onion.

Randy Baker, 43, was momentarily pronounced dead Thursday by a really dumb EMT who apparently has no idea how to take a pulse.The post Randy Baker appeared first on The Onion.

MEHLVILLE, MO-Crossing her state's eastern border into Illinois to find a more distant fire station, Missouri resident Eileen Fayette reportedly opted to surrender her baby in a Safe Haven Baby Box a couple towns over Wednesday so that it wouldn't be able to crawl back. I heard somewhere that as long as your scent is [...]The post Baby Left In Drop Box Couple Towns Over So It Can't Crawl Back appeared first on The Onion.

The newlyweds' ceremony included a memorial table for Michelle's grandmother who recently died upon hearing about the couple's interracial union.The post Michelle Donohoe and Felipe Rojas appeared first on The Onion.

Actor Timothee Chalamet made a surprise appearance at his own lookalike contest in Lower Manhattan, an event that drew hundreds of contestants, though Chalamet himself did not participate. What do you think?The post Timothee Chalamet Crashes Own Lookalike Contest appeared first on The Onion.

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe compared Puerto Rico to a floating island of garbage" at former President Trump's Madison Square Garden rally, drawing backlash from the Harris campaign, Puerto Rican celebrities, and some Republicans. What do you think?The post Comedian At Trump Rally Calls Puerto Rico Floating Island Of Garbage' appeared first on The Onion.

POCATELLO, ID-Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad's gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your mother. Give your mother a hug right now and tell her you're sorry," the report stated in [...]The post Report: Get Back Here And Apologize To Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.

Authentic countryside silo pre-furnished with 550 tons of dried corn. Priced to sell, as the previous owner died of asphyxiation. Reference #829583The post Bucolic Silo appeared first on The Onion.

The White House issued a new executive order aiming to deter migrants by stationing hundreds of socially awkward men at the southern border. Immigration officials believe the men's off-putting demeanor and strained attempts at conversation could curb illegal border crossings by 30%.The post U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U.S. state where they're not welcome. We want to ensure our newest citizens know [...]The post Revised Citizenship Test Requires Immigrants To Name Every U.S. State Where They Not Welcome appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Calling the findings of its comprehensive survey of American workplace practices total bullshit," the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment issued a report Monday concluding that you should be able to retire after, like, six years of working full time. We evaluated the data around current U.S. employment rates, and our research shows [...]The post Report Finds You Should Get To Retire After, Like, 6 Years Working Full-Time Job appeared first on The Onion.

Former President Trump has on multiple occasions praised Adolf Hitler according to John Kelly, his longest-serving White House chief of staff who, in a series of audio interviews, claimed Trump met the definition of a fascist and raised concerns that he would rule like a dictator if elected next month. What do you think?The post Trump Praises Hitler appeared first on The Onion.

TRAVERSE CITY, MI-In an effort to reach out to swing voters crucial to his reelection bid, former President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to soften his image Friday by distributing airbrushed JCPenney beauty shots of himself at a campaign rally. Here you go, these are nice glossies of the president we took at the JCPenney Portrait [...]The post Trump Attempts To Soften Image With New Airbrushed JCPenney Beauty Shots appeared first on The Onion.

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FAIRFAX, VA-Shaking his head as he rushed past yet another indecisive group laughing together at an obvious dead end, area man Justin Carter reflected Friday on how going with friends would have just slowed him down on his way through a Halloween-themed corn maze. How do they expect to make it out of this thing [...]The post Going With Friends Would Have Just Slowed Man Down On Way Through Haunted Maze appeared first on The Onion.

Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries, his romantic partner, and a third man were arrested on charges of luring men into drug-laced, outlandish, and coercive sex parties by dangling the promise of modeling for the retailer's once-defining bare-chested ads. What do you think?The post Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Arrested On Sex Trafficking Charges appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Moments after he frantically nailed two-by-fours across the closed door of the bedroom he shares with his wife, vice presidential candidate JD Vance issued a dire warning Wednesday, alerting the public that millions of women may vote under the influence of menstrual madness. If they are permitted to cast ballots, then we risk allowing the [...]The post JD Vance Warns Millions Of Women May Vote Under Influence Of Menstrual Madness appeared first on The Onion.

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SPOKANE, WA-Stressing that the best move would be to just shave the whole thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that area man Stephen Blanchet's shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures living in it. You can tell Stephen's proud of his so-called beard, but there are hardly any chickadees popping out to chirp a happy [...]The post Shitty Beard Barely Has Any Frolicsome Woodland Creatures Living In It appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-In what astronomers called an alarming yet compelling observation, NASA officials announced Thursday the discovery of potential life on Mars after a giant eyeball in the middle of the planet looked directly into the James Webb Space Telescope. We are excited to share telescopic evidence of a colossal, audibly blinking eyeball on the surface of [...]The post NASA Discovers Potential Life On Mars After Giant Eyeball In Middle Of Planet Looks Directly Into Telescope appeared first on The Onion.

Bruce Cooke, 48, died at the aquarium Thursday after his WaveRunner collided with the wall of the dolphin tank.The post Bruce Cooke appeared first on The Onion.

The couple met at a bar in Austin, where Emily was the fourth woman Rafael approached that night.The post Emily Appleton and Rafael Garcia appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. Seeing this bird's lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can't help but be reminded that someday [...]The post Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja Morant told reporters Wednesday that he was way more into swords now. I did some soul-searching during my time away from the game, and I realized guns should have no [...]The post Reformed Ja Morant More Into Swords Now appeared first on The Onion.

JUPITER, FL-In a tragic incident that has left MAGA world reeling, 55-year-old television personality Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly died Wednesday after attempting to remove her makeup. Unfortunately, it appears the makeup was really the only thing holding her face structurally together at this point," said a medical responder who spoke with reporters on the condition of [...]The post Kimberly Guilfoyle Dies Trying To Remove Makeup appeared first on The Onion.

Cuba was plunged into a widespread, days-long power outage after its electrical grid repeatedly collapsed, sowing chaos as around 10 million people were left in the dark and underscoring the precarious state of the country's infrastructure. What do you think?The post Cuba Suffers Extended Blackout appeared first on The Onion.

This restored 1860s Victorian is haunted by a fanatically nudist ghost. Previous owners got sick of waking up in the middle of the night stark naked with their pajamas in a shredded pile at their feet. Don't bother trying to get away with a towel wrapped around your waist. Ghost will destroy that too. Perfect [...]The post Haunted By Nudist Ghost appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Offering fans a tantalizing glimpse into what he's been working on for nearly 15 years, bestselling author George R.R. Martin announced this week that he had written every and" that would appear in his long-awaited novel The Winds Of Winter. I know there has been much speculation about whether I'm truly committed to [...]The post George R.R. Martin Announces He's Written Every And' That Will Appear In Next Book appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn't focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn't let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. I feel obligated to push back when someone audaciously suggests women shouldn't be relegated to [...]The post Harrison Butker Insists He Won't Let Politics Distract From Upcoming Race War appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trump's most racist comments. The two ads-which reports confirmed would air continuously until Nov. 5-showcase clips of [...]The post Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trump's Most Racist Comments appeared first on The Onion.

In an appeal to the powerful voting bloc, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense.The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. It's clear that as the planet continues to grow hotter, [...]The post Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice president's employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. Phony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House for years, but they say they've got no record of her being there," [...]The post Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House appeared first on The Onion.

A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think?The post Fire Station That Burned Down Didn't Have Fire Alarm appeared first on The Onion.

Almost every day, the establishment seems to get it wrong trying to use Donald Trump's words to paint him as a dire threat to our democracy. What so many fail to see-and what his supporters have long understood-is that Trump is a showman. When he speaks at rallies, he's not telling us about his literal policy positions. More often than not, he's just trying to entertain.The post We Need To Take Trump's Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed appeared first on The Onion.