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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF5N)
READING, ENGLAND-Calling his ignorance a major oversight," filmmaker Sam Mendes admitted Monday that he conceived his idea for four Beatles biopics before hearing about TV. Oh, gosh, well, this is embarrassing," said the 59-year-old director, who expressed his frustration that no one at Sony Pictures had bothered to tell him about the existence of the [...]The post Sam Mendes Admits Idea For 4 Beatles Biopics Conceived Before He Heard About TV appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-08-17 02:32 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF2X)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to dispel any fears that the ongoing trade wars might negatively impact net profits, President Donald Trump reportedly assured U.S. farmers Monday that Barron would eat their crops. No need for great American farmers to worry-that boy of mine can put away as many acres of corn as you can throw at [...]The post Trump Assures U.S. Farmers Barron Will Eat Their Crops appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WF08)
Bride and groom exchanged vows before friends and family Saturday in a ceremony that delicately danced around the fact that Patrick was Shelly's track and field coach in high school.The post Shelly Greenfield and Patrick Chester appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX2)
The post Masters Crowd Whispering Its Lungs Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX5)
BERLIN-Hoping to secure at least one nice picture as a memento of his trip abroad, an American tourist visiting Germany reportedly asked a passerby Monday to take a boudoir photo of him. Excuse me, would you mind getting a shot of me with my hand behind my head like a pinup girl?" Topeka, KS native [...]The post Tourist Asks Passerby To Take Boudoir Photo Of Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX4)
Let me start by saying I've got nothing against doctors in general. My niece is a doctor. Most of them are warm, professional, and highly educated people. But lately I've noticed a very troubling trend: Almost every doctor I see goes out of their way to tell me not to drink my own urine. This [...]The post The Doctors Telling Us Not To Drink Our Urine ProbablyJust Want It For Themselves appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WEX3)
With a sale deadline looming, tech company ByteDance was once more given additional time to offload TikTok to a non-Chinese buyer or face a ban in the United States. Here's all you need to know about the sale. Q: Who are the leading bidders to acquire TikTok? A: Major companies including Amazon, Oracle, and a [...]The post What To Know About The TikTok Sale appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6WDKT)
Economists warn that, if left in place, Trump's sweeping tariffs on U.S. trade partners will wreak havoc on households, businesses, and financial markets across the world, upending a global economic order that America benefited from and helped create. What do you think?The post Trump Tariffs Upend Global Economic Order appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDHZ)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their money was in heaven now, sources confirmed. Honey, the reason we're sitting you down today is because even though our life [...]The post Parents Gently Explain To Child That Their Money In Heaven Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDJ0)
LOS ANGELES-Expressing relief that they were both on the same page about custody, Megan Fox confirmed Friday that she and her new baby would be working together to co-parent Machine Gun Kelly. The coming months are going to be exhausting, but knowing that I have this newborn by my side to help set a good [...]The post Megan Fox Confirms She And New Baby Will Co-Parent Machine Gun Kelly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDFR)
The post Climate Protestors Throw Paint On The Louvre's 1988 Copy Of Hustler' Magazine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WDFS)
While trying to reassure a child she was caring for, a local Kansas babysitter was shocked to come face-to-face with a man when she aimed to show the kid there were no monsters under the bed. What do you think?The post Babysitter Finds Real-Life Monster' Under Child's Bed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9H)
WASHINGTON-In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump's agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip and take a turn pushing the Wheel of Pain. Pulling off your garments and crawling into the pit in order to lash yourself to the Wheel of Pain is something that [...]The post Musk Announces All 340 Million Americans Must Strip And Take Turn Pushing The Wheel Of Pain appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9G)
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his greatest achievements, Trump's second term, and the future of the Democratic party. The Onion: Why did you allow the spending bill to pass? Chuck Schumer: I finally got a 7 p.m. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Chuck Schumer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9F)
MONTCLAIR, NJ-Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he was furious the NFL hadn't added an expansion team to sign him. After everything I've done for this sport, the least they could do is create an entirely new franchise [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn't Added Expansion Team To Sign Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9E)
The post Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9D)
The post Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WD9C)
WASHINGTON-In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it's ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute," [...]The post Trump Assures Wall Street He'll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCWF)
WASHINGTON-Seeking to reassure the public after his latest tariffs sent both U.S. and international markets into free fall, President Donald Trump calmly reminded the nation Thursday that desire is the root of all suffering. My fellow Americans, remember that attachment to worldly things stands at the very foundation of the illusions that lead us to [...]The post Trump Calmly Reminds Nation That Desire The Root Of All Suffering appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT4)
Following a biochemical analysis, parishioners of an Indiana church were informed that the red substance on a communion wafer they thought to be the blood of Christ was actually fungus and three different species of bacteria commonly found on human hands. What do you think?The post Communion Wafer Miracle' Turns Out To Be Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT5)
The post CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCT6)
WASHINGTON-Giving Democrats a sense of hope for the first time in months, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) reportedly set the congressional record this week for the longest fingernails on the Senate floor. With your support, I have grown my fingernails to eight feet and three-quarters inches," said Booker, whose act of strength and courage inspired millions [...]The post Cory Booker Sets Record For Longest Fingernails On Senate Floor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ5)
WASHINGTON-Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. Hope you aren't too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back [...]The post Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ6)
Significant mystery has cloaked a 14,400-square-foot Tuscan-style villa and a second, adjacent mansion purchased by the world's richest man for himself and his extensive family. Here,The Onionuncovers what's inside Elon Musk's $35 million Texas compound.The post Inside Elon Musk's Texas Compound appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ7)
RAFAH, GAZA-Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a mass grave, Israel claimed this week that the slain Palestinians did not properly identify themselves as human. Unfortunately, upon their encounter with IDF soldiers, these Palestinians provided no documentation indicating they were sentient beings entitled to basic [...]The post Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn't Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHQ)
After performing as a musical guest on the show to promote his upcoming album, Morgan Wallen made headlines when he abruptly left the Saturday Night Live stage. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Bass Pro Shops Pyramid, Tennessee Genre: See name Default Setting: Aggrieved Fandom Name: Whites Controversies: 2016-present Favorite [...]The post Artist Profile: Morgan Wallen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHR)
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR-Saying things had only gone downhill after a terrible morning, lawful U.S. resident Oscar Fernandez-Lopez, 38, stated Wednesday that he had already been having a bad day before being deported to the Salvadoran mega-prison known as CECOT. I knew things were heading in the wrong direction when I spilled coffee on my shirt, [...]The post Man Already Having Bad Day Deported To Salvadoran Mega-Prison appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCE5)
BEND, OR-Pointing out how the 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier was already shaking with anticipation, avid bungee jumper Isaac Branch confirmed Thursday that his dog also loves bungee jumping. Rocko's obsessed with bungee jumping-he does it all the time!" said Branch, 25, who described the 15-pound canine as a total adrenaline junky" who gets so riled [...]The post Dog Loves Bungee Jumping, Owner Of Bungee-Jumping Dog Reports appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBVE)
The abrupt cancellation of government funding for programs to help food banks distribute healthy, local food is being felt across the country, with some already strapped organizations turning to their local communities for help. What do you think?The post U.S. Food Banks Struggle Under Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBRP)
SAN DIEGO-With the spellbound audience in the Marine Trash Experience amphitheater shouting and squealing with excitement, SeaWorld visitors were reportedly delighted Wednesday by a live garbage-patch feeding. The keepers threw a bunch of plastic bags into the middle of the habitat, and all of a sudden this enormous blob of debris floated up and swallowed [...]The post SeaWorld Visitors Delighted By Live Garbage-Patch Feeding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ2)
SPRINGFIELD, VA-In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the total fucking bitch" who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. We have been far too lenient to the [...]The post DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ1)
The post Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WB4J)
Donald Trump claimed he is not joking about the possibility of seeking a third presidential term despite it being barred by the Constitution, asserting that there are methods" by which he can circumvent the prohibition. What do you think?The post Trump Not Joking' About Seeking Third Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAZN)
The post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAX3)
ITHACA, NY-As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow [...]The post College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQD)
MANCHESTER, NH-Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of [...]The post COBRA Extension Lets Terminated Employees Continue Raiding Office Fridge For 18 Months appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight [...]The post Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQB)
LANSING, MI-Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle's funeral reception said Party Size!" on it. We're going to need refreshments for at least 40 people, but it feels wrong having all these festive colors and exclamation [...]The post Only Bag Of Chips Big Enough For Funeral Reception Says Party Size!' On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQA)
LYNCHBURG, VA-In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic [...]The post Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA68)
The post Trump Says He Won't Rule Out Third Reich appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA69)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents' Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor of terrified silence. After much deliberation, we have opted to part ways with Ms. Ruffin so we can refocus [...]The post White House Correspondents' Dinner Scraps Host In Favor Of Terrified Silence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA0W)
The post Dietary Restrict-Funs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA3Q)
The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think?The post Kermit The Frog To Deliver University Of Maryland Commencement Speech appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VD)
NEW YORK-Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. Nothing makes me feel better than heading down to the park in my spare time and serving up a bunch of [...]The post Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. We're committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we're now requiring everyone who works here to [...]The post Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VB)
The post Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VA)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA," said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as [...]The post Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9V9)
As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of your own. Decide if you'll be raising chickens for food, companionship, or blood sacrifice. [...]The post Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W8F5)
A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel more connected to influencers than to actors. What do you think?The post Gen Z, Millennials Prefer Influencer Content Over Premium Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C3)
VATICAN CITY-Saying the pontiff's abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with death. Ever since Pope Francis got out of the hospital, he's been pretty much nonstop with [...]The post Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope appeared first on The Onion.
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