The Onion

This 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath home is conveniently located on a bustling stretch of tarmac at LaGuardia Airport. Reference #257977The post Close To Transportation appeared first on The Onion.

Greg King, 43, passed away at Grace Hospice Care on Thursday morning after one of his patients decided she didn't want to leave the world without experiencing what it felt like to kill.The post Greg King appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in the heart of Pittsburgh. I've always loved Pittsburgh, and I'm excited to finally get settled into a new survival shelter in an undisclosed location deep beneath the city," said the [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is seen being beheaded. This is a message to the enemies of immigration enforcement: Gov. Newsom's fate will be yours should you stand in the way of national purity," [...]The post ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair.Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences," said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that [...]The post CDC PublishesFemale Body Hair Guidelines appeared first on The Onion.

NEW BEDFORD, MA-Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young.I was so captivated by those big blue waves that I never stopped to consider whether I was rushing into things with the [...]The post Sailor Regrets Getting Married To The Sea So Young appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple's wedding will be first come, first served and open to the public, so loved ones are encouraged to get there early.The post Ken Weathers and Timmie Sied appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Responding to escalating clashes between civilian activists and militarized immigration authorities, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass publicly urged protesters Monday not to give the Trump administration any pretext for what they're already doing and will keep doing no matter what. Angelenos-don't engage in violence and give the administration an excuse to inflict all the [...]The post Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday reversing vasectomies nationwide.We're requiring all men to head to their doctors and have them undo these terrible, terrible procedures," the president said in an address from the Oval Office in which he clarified [...]The post Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies appeared first on The Onion.

Statistically speaking, home is the place where you are most likely to die-so how's this one feel to you? Reference #28106The post Picture Yourself Dying Here appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world's richest man, officials at the Internal Revenue Service announced a new plan Tuesday allowing taxpayers to deposit payments directly into Elon Musk's bank account. The mandatory new service will reportedly help streamline the tax payment process, bypassing the [...]The post IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk's Bank Account appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Making sure the pair were sitting down before she delivered the news, White House chief of staff Susie Wiles reportedly told the Trump boys Friday that their Uncle Elon had been blown up in a rocket accident. Boys, your father wanted me to tell you that you won't be seeing your Uncle Elon anymore because [...]The post Weeping Trump Boys Told Uncle Elon' Blown Up In Rocket Accident appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After days of listening to the tech billionaire criticize his Big Beautiful Bill,' President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Elon Musk Friday by nuking Mars. Elon was wearing thin,' I asked him to leave, and then I blew up his stupid planet that no one else cared about," Trump wrote in a post on [...]The post Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars appeared first on The Onion.

MEADE, KS-Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn't be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy Cox told reporters Friday that he had been forced to slaughter a cow for its bell. I told Molly that I was sorry, girl, but we need that bell if we're going to make it through the [...]The post Cow Slaughtered For Its Bell appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN- In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that the truth will finally be revealed" as he issued an order fully declassifying the Church's Jesus Crucifixion Documents. Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the middle of Golgotha, questions have swirled [...]The post New Pope Declassifies Jesus Crucifixion Documents appeared first on The Onion.

Celebrities including Rihanna and Blackpink's Lisa have been spotted with Labubu dolls, the latest craze to hit the U.S. Here is everything you need to know about the plush toys. Q: What is a Labubu? A: A Labubu is designer Kasing Lung's best attempt at what a British person looks like. Q: Why do they [...]The post What To Know About Labubu Dolls appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Visibly unnerved after experiencing a slight breeze through an office window, acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency David Richardson reportedly became confused Thursday by the concept of wind, remarking that he didn't understand how he could feel something that he couldn't see. Does anyone else feel, like, air moving across their skin?" the [...]The post FEMA Chief Confused By Wind appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Locked into a steely focus while readying himself for the task at hand, area IT support specialist Jeff Miller reportedly prepared to address a tech issue Thursday by slipping on his carpal tunnel braces with the calm of a soldier prepared to die in battle. Okay, let me take a look," Miller said in [...]The post IT Guy Slips On Carpal Tunnel Braces With Calm Of Soldier Prepared To Die In Battle appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Admitting that she shared in the confusion held by a majority of U.S. and foreign consumers, Christie Brinkley was also shocked to learn this week that she was not a spokesperson for Skechers. This whole time I thought I was surely in at least one 30-second TV spot where I'm strolling down a city [...]The post Christie Brinkley Also Shocked To Learn She Not Spokesperson For Skechers appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Stressing that the billionaire's completely erratic behavior had strained the already fraught relationships, sources confirmed Thursday that a rift was widening between Elon Musk and anyone who had ever met him. Elon's megalomania and tendency to lash out indiscriminately seem to have soured things with every person he's encountered in his entire life," said [...]The post Rift Widens Between Elon Musk, Anyone Who Ever Met Him appeared first on The Onion.

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STANFORD, CA-In a breakthrough shedding crucial light on the commonly misunderstood mental health affliction, a new study by researchers at Stanford University revealed Wednesday that depression was most common among individuals who look into the mirror smiling only for their reflection to be sad. Across all demographics, we've seen a strong correlation between severe depression [...]The post Study: Depression Most Common In Individuals Who Look In Mirror Smiling But Reflection Sad appeared first on The Onion.

HUNTINGTON, NY-Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his son Eddie his first stock Wednesday so the boy could learn early about losing everything. I want Eddie to have a firm grasp of how to sink money into a hot stock and then get [...]The post Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early appeared first on The Onion.

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BEVERLY, MA-Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was reportedly already working on his Dracula impression Wednesday so it would be ready for Halloween. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to having a world-class Count Dracula voice,"said [...]The post Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween appeared first on The Onion.

BRAINERD, MN-Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he was cutting back from drinking six normal beers a day and would now just drink three huge ones. While it may have been fine back in my 20s, drinking a [...]The post Man Cuts Back From 6 Normal Beers Per Day To 3 Huge Ones appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters Monday she had assumed President Donald Trump would only deport people on the list she mailed to the White House. With all of these deportations going on, I can't help but feel like he's breaking [...]The post MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House appeared first on The Onion.

STAVANGER, NORWAY-Moments after a stunning defeat by 19-year-oldIndian prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju, befuddled chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen exclaimed Monday that he had been bested by the dreaded checkmate gambit. My God, you've played the fearful Checkmate Gambit, haven't you? An astonishing piece of strategy," said the visibly flustered Carlsen, his eyes scanning the board to determine [...]The post Befuddled Magnus Carlsen Bested By Dreaded Checkmate Gambit appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Reconsidering his recent departure from Washington as the words YOU DIED' appeared once more on his screen, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly weighed a return to politics Monday after his 60th death on the tutorial level of Elden Ring Nightreign. Seems like these enemies are glitched to be unkillable-maybe I should stop back by the [...]The post Musk Weighs Return To Politics After 60th Death On Elden Ring Nightreign' Tutorial appeared first on The Onion.

RENO, NV-Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more oomph," local sources fiddling under the car hood reportedly requested Monday that it be given some juice. Come on now, rev 'er up good," cylinder-block-examining sources said while wiping sweat from their brow with the back of a grease-smudged hand. Keep goosing the [...]The post Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing La Cucaracha" reportedly sent Stephen Miller into a dissociative fugue state Friday. I saw him walking down the street when the horn sounded, and he froze in place for a full minute and then began shaking all [...]The post Novelty Car Horn Playing La Cucaracha' Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State appeared first on The Onion.

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AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they'd been sleeping there. Elon's going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty [...]The post Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They've Been Sleeping There appeared first on The Onion.