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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9J)
Look, we all know how most people live their lives these days, so let's not beat around the bush and pretend you need a nice home for entertaining and shit like that. Reference #538518The post Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-11-08 00:20 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#75K9H)
Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well.The post Susan Westbrook appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JV2)
BOSTON-In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time MVP's brother. We understand it would be difficult for Giannis to leave Thanasis and Alex behind in Milwaukee, but we want him to know his beloved brother Payton is already right [...]The post Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGY)
LOS ANGELES-Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first [...]The post Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGX)
CHICAGO-Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange Sidewalk Closed" sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of disoriented commuters were milling anxiously in front of the sign, with one woman sobbing quietly into her hands and saying, But this [...]The post Sidewalk Closed' Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGW)
The post Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGV)
The post Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGT)
Every time I turn on the news, there's something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding in practically every corner of the country. Things outside the U.S. aren't much prettier. Famine, war, poverty, terrorism. When did things get so hard? When did we become so divided? Basically [...]The post Just When I Thought The World Couldn't Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75JGS)
Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn.The post Ben Landau and William Roth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75J1W)
WASHINGTON-Calling it a shocking attack on our nation's cultural heritage, critics slammed President Donald Trump Monday for his decision to replace the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool's original coconut flavor with blue raspberry. For more than a century, a statue of Abraham Lincoln has gazed out over the reflecting pool that bears his name and that [...]The post Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool's Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HY1)
The post Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HY2)
Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: What are the symptoms of hantavirus? A: It starts with feeling stressed out about the state of the world. Q: Who is at the highest [...]The post What To Know About Hantavirus appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HVZ)
The post Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ5)
NEW YORK-In an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday that additional dates for her wedding had been added in Los Angeles, Miami, and Boston. I'm so excited to bring this special night to as many people as possible," said Swift, who has reportedly booked 300-seat [...]The post Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ4)
WASHINGTON-Authorities in the nation's capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House. Investigators were called to the scene after a groundskeeper performing routine landscaping around the North Lawn's fountain noticed a [...]The post Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ3)
SCOTTSDALE, AZ-Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night's game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, [...]The post Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ2)
The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothee Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ1)
Your Doppelganger's House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a thing. Reference #83057The post Your Doppelganger's House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75HQ0)
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the birth of a baby girl in an Instagram post, saying her new daughter Viviana was perfect and healthy." What do you think?The post Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GX0)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday. We honestly have no idea how he got [...]The post WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD4)
A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein's cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think?The post Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD5)
The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G1B)
LOS ANGELES-Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed Friday after barging in on a bathing Xenu during a speedrun of a Church of Scientology building. Jesus fucking Christ-what the hell is that thing?" Morris said mid-livestream as the ancient, [...]The post Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G1A)
A study found that birds residing in cities consistently allowed men to approach almost a meter closer before flying away on average than women, with researchers unsure how they are able to determine sex or a reason for their behavior. What do you think?The post Study: City Birds More Afraid Of Women Than Men appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G19)
THE HEAVENS-In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday that He would be discontinuing the pebble. Starting in the year of our Me 2026, I will be ceasing creation of the pebble so that I can turn My focus toward [...]The post God Discontinues The Pebble appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G18)
SADDLE RIVER, NJ-Saying Down, down!" in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that his surrogate was not allowed on the furniture. I feel bad, but this couch is expensive, and I don't exactly know where she's been," said Landry, adding that as much as [...]The post Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G17)
The post Taylor Swift Fires Fixer Who Forgot To Kill Justin Baldoni appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G16)
The family of Teresa Cox, 81, will hold a burial service for her this Saturday and then exhume the body a week later for an encore.The post Teresa Cox appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G15)
TAMPA, FL-Acknowledging that the organization's famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace personality and style, New York Yankees managing general partner Hal Steinbrenner announced Thursday that the team had amended its long-standing appearance policy to allow extreme body modification. After soliciting feedback from [...]The post Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FHB)
A large-scale study found no correlation between school cell phone bans and higher test scores, though the findings pointed to increased levels of well-being among students. What do you think?The post Study Finds Cell Phone Bans Don't Help Grades appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEW)
Noah Kahan, the singer-songwriter behind Stick Season," has topped the Billboard 200 chart with his new album, The Great Divide. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Kahan. Genre: Barn wedding Influenced By: Growing up listening to oldies like Hozier and Bon Iver Fans Call Themselves: Empaths Signature Hairstyle: The Crucible Ideal First [...]The post Artist Profile: Noah Kahan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEX)
NEW YORK-Expressing resentment as the evening dragged on into its fifth hour, actress Zoe Kravitz was reportedly upset this week after fiance Harry Styles hit it off with her mom a little too well. I'm glad they found something to talk about; I just assumed the conversation would be more about me, or at least [...]The post Harry Styles Hits It Off With Zoe Kravitz's Mom A Little Too Well appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEY)
The post What Are We Doing After Graduation? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9C)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social on Tuesday to share the recipe for his famous Better than Pedophilia" cake.This decadent, easy-to-throw-together cake will be the star of any child-trafficking meetup you bring it to, and just like pedophilia, once you [...]The post Trump Shares Recipe For Famous Better Than Pedophilia' Cake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9B)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to ensure his good deed did not go unseen and unappreciated, customer Angus Helms waited until the barista was watching to disarm a gunman at Highland Ground coffee shop, sources confirmed Tuesday.Dammit, she's still got her head down to empty out the cash register for this guy, and if I grab [...]The post Customer Waits Until Barista Watching To Disarm Gunman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9A)
LOS ANGELES-In a desperate effort to get production of the animated film sequel back on schedule, Garfield Movie 2 director Mark Dindal reportedly begged lead voice actor Chris Pratt to stop ad-libbing Bible verses Thursday.The line is Is that lasagna I smell?' not A companion of gluttons shames his father,'" said Dindal, storming into the [...]The post Garfield' Director BegsChris Pratt To Stop Ad-Libbing Bible Verses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F99)
The bride and groom spent Sunday under the impression that they were cementing their union in the eyes of God, who unfortunately was busy watching a Frasier rerun at the time.The post Delaney Airhart and Jack Trusler appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EMK)
GameStop bid $56 billion to purchase eBay, hoping to challenge Amazon and other ecommerce platforms with the bold offer for a company with a market capitalization over four times greater than its own. What do you think?The post GameStop Offers $56 Billion To Buy eBay appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC7)
WASHINGTON-Calling the upcoming collaboration their most ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering," U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Wednesday that they had tapped Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, to design their latest migrant detention center. In a press release, the Department of Homeland Security praised Rader, who rose to prominence for [...]The post ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC6)
CHICAGO-Reacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money.Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother," said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her [...]The post Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC5)
The post Giving Up Too Much Work appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC4)
This warm, cozy home is move-in ready and features a pile of 100,000 acorns gathered by the previous owner. Reference #882011The post Hibernation-Ready appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC3)
Mountain-climbing enthusiast Derek Sanders, 37, tragically fell to his death Friday on the escalator of an REI.The post Derek Sanders appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPN)
Students from a Mississippi school banded together to prevent their bus from crashing after their driver blacked out from an asthma attack. What do you think?The post Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPP)
PHILADELPHIA-Attempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis Garcia reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field," said Garcia, nervously gripping [...]The post Terrified Adolis Garcia Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPQ)
The post There Grows The Neighborhood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM5)
The post Banksy Claims Credit For Latest The Lockhorns' Comic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM4)
I used to struggle with my finances. Every month I'd stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important [...]The post Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM3)
WASHINGTON-In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face.After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe [...]The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM2)
The post Capitol Tour Guide Keeps Pointing Out Hidden Spots With Uninterrupted Sight Lines appeared first on The Onion.
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