The Onion

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot-things were looking a little dicey with [...]The post Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. If you thought I was serious about my health before, just wait and see what another whole hour [...]The post Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic period of transition," President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. Look, what we're doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic [...]The post Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country's safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we need [...]The post DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a continuedeffort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the company's weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to users' insecurities. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to getting healthy, which is why the Noom team is proud to provide specific and detailed put-downs [...]The post Noom Weight Loss Quiz Guarantees Personalized Insults Tailored To Users' Insecurities appeared first on The Onion.

WICHITA, KS-Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made a mistake and now she has to go bye-bye for [...]The post Report: Fun Aunt Has To Go Away For A While appeared first on The Onion.

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A study published in the journal Science found that butterflies are vanishing from U.S. landscapes at an alarming rate, with 22% disappearing between 2000 and 2020. What do you think?The post U.S. Loses A Fifth Of Its Butterflies In 2 Decades appeared first on The Onion.

Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what happens to their own bodies. Instead, we are treated as passive baby-making machines. Meanwhile, if it were the female seahorses who could get pregnant, there'd probably be an abortion clinic [...]The post If Females Could Get Pregnant, There'd Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world's erections at once. In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions [...]The post Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World's Erections At Once appeared first on The Onion.

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Cheetozard," a 3-inch Flamin' Hot Cheeto shaped like the popular Pokemon character Charizard, has sold at auction for $87,840. What do you think?The post Pokemon-Shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840 appeared first on The Onion.

Colombian police apprehended a man attempting to smuggle 220 grams of cocaine in small bags hidden under his toupee, which authorities are now describing as a narco wig." What do you think?The post Police Catch Man Smuggling Cocaine Under Toupee appeared first on The Onion.

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RANBURNE, AL-Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they're plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted scratching their chins and shaking their heads, had reportedly convened around the rear end of a stout [...]The post Town With Heavyset Mule Stuck In Barn Door Plumb Out Of Ideas appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-In a touching moment that left the terminally ill child excitedly rambling and beaming from ear to ear, witnesses confirmed Friday that Charli XCX had done a line of coke with 11-year-old Make-A-Wish recipient Luna Waites. It's always been my daughter's dream to rip lines of blow with Charli, and I'm so glad Make-A-Wish was [...]The post Charli XCX Does Line Of Coke With 11-Year-Old Make-A-Wish Fan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising a glorious future marked by limitless prosperity for the East Asian nation, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision Tuesday night for a golden age of China. Under my leadership, a prosperous new era of Chinese dominance will begin, the likes of which have never been seen before," Trump said in an address to [...]The post Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Golden Age Of China appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Groaning with exhaustion and joint pain after their late bedtime last night, members of Congress were reportedly all groggy Wednesday after staying up past 8:30 p.m. for President Donald Trump's address. Oh God, I can't believe I slept through daybreak," said 85-year-old Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), one of hundreds of dazed senators and representatives who [...]The post Congress All Groggy Today After Staying Up Past 8:30 appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic was reportedly spotted Wednesday gazing longingly at a photo of a barren Dallas office park. Oh, to be back among those absolutely desolate and soulless business complexes," said Doncic, explaining [...]The post Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff's Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the pedophile he was investigating as part of a sting operation. Although he was assigned to the case [...]The post Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator shelter. Sadly, there are so many sexual predators without loving homes, but we've always found them to make great companions," [...]The post Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Volunteer At Local Predator Shelter appeared first on The Onion.

Though he stopped short of urging people to get the shot, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted vaccine critic, acknowledged the value of the measles vaccine amid a deadly outbreak in Texas. What do you think?The post Vaccine Critic RFK Jr. Backs Measles Vaccine Amid Deadly Outbreak appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's 25% taxes on imports from Mexico and Canada went into effect today, the latest salvo in a North American trade war that may have already stoked inflation and impeded growth. What do you think?The post Trump's 25% Tariffs On Canada, Mexico Take Effect appeared first on The Onion.

FAIRFAX, VA-Calling the young students the true enemy of gun rights," the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an F" rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. This is our lowest rating, and it's exactly what this radical group of anti-gun extremists deserves," said NRA CEO Doug Hamlin, who lambasted the deceased American shooting victims as selfish, divisive, [...]The post NRA Gives Dead Schoolchildren F' Rating appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant's return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the Maybourne Bar. We were really vibing on text, and it seemed things were going pretty good over the first drink, but [...]The post Jennifer Lopez Worried Bumble Date Not Coming Back From Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the enormous" brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told reporters Wednesday his DoorDash order had arrived in a humiliatingly large bag. Atkinson, who lives alone, alleged the size of the bag used by local restaurant Gyro Grill to pack [...]The post DoorDash Order Arrives In Humiliatingly Large Bag appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a national emergency," Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. As of this morning, I have ordered our armed forces to travel to liquor stores, gas stations, and 7-Elevens across the country to stock up on [...]The post Pete Hegseth Deploys 3,000 U.S. Troops On Beer Run appeared first on The Onion.

A New Hampshire woman was arrested after several years of allegedly urinating on items at a food co-op and posting videos of it online. What do you think?The post Woman Contaminates Grocery Store Food With Urine For Years appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a development that cast a shadow over the 97th Academy Awards, the filmmakers behind Best Picture winner Kissing The Martinet reportedly faced backlash Monday after fans learned the movie did not exist. I can't believe Kissing The Martinet, my favorite movie of 2024, is not a real movie," said film critic Alexander Van [...]The post Best Picture Winner Kissing The Martinet' Faces Backlash After Fans Learn Movie Not Real appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Growing frustrated by the lack of variety in the couple's romantic outings, Kylie Jenner told reporters Monday that she would like to go on one date with Timothee Chalamet that wasn't an awards ceremony. The awards circuit is nice, I guess, but why don't we ever go, like, ice skating or to a museum?" [...]The post Kylie Jenner Admits She'd Like To Go On One Date That Isn't Awards Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

After a ceiling collapsed onto the audience during a screening of the latest Marvel film, a theater in Wenatchee, WA is working with local authorities to determine the cause of the disaster. What do you think?The post Movie Theater Ceiling Collapses During Captain America' Screening appeared first on The Onion.

The Pitt, a new medical drama series on Max, has received an outpouring of praise for its realistic, hour-by-hour portrayal of a shift in a busy Pittsburgh emergency room. Here is everything you need to know about the show before tuning in: Q: Is it an accurate depiction of what it's like to work in [...]The post What To Know About The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.

BELMONT, MA-His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and gentler material. My system's gotten so acclimated to the wry observations and Midwestern charm of the News From Lake [...]The post Desensitized Prairie Home Companion' Fan Seeks Out Gentler And Gentler Material appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority's Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train's doors Friday like rat babies nursing at their mother's teats. Sources confirmed that as the riders gathered before the slowing train's doors, they instinctively huddled [...]The post Passengers Rush To Arriving Train's Doors Like Rat Babies Nursing At Mother's Teats appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PAUL, MN-Making an impassioned plea to his colleagues in an effort to inspire concrete action, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota publicly called on his fellow Democrats Monday to return his Tupperware at once. To the esteemed members of the Democratic Party-I implore you to stand up for what's right and give back any pieces [...]The post Tim Walz Calls On Fellow Democrats To Return His Tupperware appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation's official language remedial English. Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure," read the executive order, which also mandated that official [...]The post Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English appeared first on The Onion.

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit Greedy," has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: You're looking at it Genre: New releases Hair Color: Unknown Aesthetic Inspired By: Early 2000s Carl's Jr. commercials Fanbase: Teens whose parents can't afford [...]The post Artist Profile: Tate McRae appeared first on The Onion.