 |
on (#6KT4R)
GLOUCESTER, MA-Struggling to articulate through streams of tears, sobbing conservationists from the National Marine Fisheries Service announced Wednesday that endangered Atlantic halibut were on their own now after the two species had a huge falling out. We're really done this time-those demersal assholes are on...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 09:00 |
 |
on (#6KS80)
SAN DIEGO-In an ill-advised effort to reduce the costs of blow, the nation's lapsed college friends announced plans Tuesday to mistakenly text you about splitting an eighth of an ounce of cocaine. Although we haven't spoken in 11 years, please be advised that at some point in the near future we will be accidentally...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KS81)
YOUNGSTOWN, OH-Speaking before a crowd of loyal supporters, former President Donald Trump warned Tuesday that electric vehicles were raping and murdering American citizens. You go to one of these charging ports, and they'll just have their way with you," said Trump, who accused the mainstream media of covering up...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KS82)
ATLANTA-The faces of top executives falling as they gauged the public's apathy, sources reported the Coca-Cola Company was incredibly hurt Tuesday that the nation was not going to try the new soda flavor they worked so hard on. Seriously, you're not even going to taste it?" said CEO James Quincey, who stood in front...Read more...
|
on (#6KRHP)
The U.S. government is updating its categories for race and ethnicity on forms such as the census for the first time in 27 years, adding more options including Middle Eastern" and North African" as well as allowing respondents to check more than one box. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KRHR)
HUDSON, NY-Saying that the woman was getting to the age where she could no longer afford to be so picky, local matchmaker Cassidy Williamson asked one of her clients Monday if she'd be open to dating outside her species. So, you have a lot of great things going for you, but just by chance, would you be at all...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KRHT)
SHELTON, CT-Saying it had severed all ties with the sandwich in the wake of disturbing new evidence from a federal investigation, the fast food franchise Subway confirmed Monday that its Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt was also sexually attracted to children and facing prison time for its abuse of minors. Sadly, it...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KRHV)
WASHINGTON-Recoiling in horror as the shirtless 26-year-old man stood hunched over the kitchen counter, all 340 million Americans shuddered Monday at the wet sounds of a local roommate eating eggs. Oh my God, how can one man eat so many eggs, and do it so loudly?" said resident Jeff Stentson, adding that he and the...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6KRF6)
MILWAUKEE-Noting that he needed to stop ignoring the messages his body was sending him, local man Rob Mandeville told reporters Monday that losing all of his hair and becoming impotent were clear signs that he should stay in and play more video games. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a more obvious signal than hair...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KR0K)
BROOKLINE, MA-Letting out joyful screams as they rushed into a neighbor's yard for the annual hunt, local kids excitedly picked up Easter eggs Sunday, shaking them next to their ears to more efficiently find the ones containing ham. Shake it and listen for the wet-sounding slap," said 8-year-old Timmy Lawson,...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6KQ7N)
Crypto mogul and former CEO of FTX Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding hundreds of thousands of customers, leaving investors and lenders short by more than $11 billion. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KQ7P)
DEARBORN, MI-In an effort to raise money to cover his mounting legal bills, former President Donald Trump announced at a campaign event Friday that he was selling the central religious text of Islam in a special new edition called the God Bless The USA" Quran. It's a very holy book-really the holiest of all the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KQ56)
WASHINGTON-Straining to make out the plaintiff's response to their queries as the pounding house beat sent plaster falling from the chamber's ceiling, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court reported Friday that they could barely hear oral arguments in the case of Becerra v. San Carlos Apache Tribe over their...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KQ57)
NEW YORK-Scolding the journalist for failing to follow the guidelines clearly outlined in its employee handbook, The Wall Street Journal reportedly sent Evan Gershkovich his final warning Friday about the company's return-to-office mandate. Evan, as we have alerted you numerous times, all Wall Street Journal employees...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6KPY1)
With diversity, equity, and inclusion programs facing backlash, The Onion examines every problem conservatives have blamed on DEI.Read more...
|
on (#6KPXH)
In Paris, 200 servers dressed in their uniforms and carrying trays with a croissant, a cup of coffee, and a glass of water competed in La Course Des Cafes, a race first run in 1914, for the title of fastest waiter. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KPWK)
WASHINGTON-Saying their numbers had been blocked so showing up unannounced was their only option, several concerned sources confirmed this week that the nation's ex-boyfriends were drunk as hell. Babe, please, I promise I didn't mean whatever it was I said or did, and I've changed, see?" said an inebriated Jason...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KPWM)
WASHINGTON-In the most significant move to help working families in decades, a group of U.S. senators introduced a new childcare bill this week that would allocate a single microwave for the nation's kids to cook their own dinner with. This landmark bill promises to provide latchkey kids with the essential microwave...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KPWN)
Donald Trump's Truth Social, which the former president founded after he was banned from several online platforms in 2021, went public this week and has been valued at a whopping $8 billion. Here is everything we know about Truth Social and its parent company, Trump Media and Technology Group.Read more...
|
on (#6KPFX)
Investigative accountants in South Carolina are struggling to explain the existence of an account belonging to the government containing $1.8 billion in cash, with no clear explanation as to where the funds came from or what they were supposed to be allocated for. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KPFY)
LOS ANGELES-Fueling rumors that the 49-year-old star was finally settling down, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted with girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti on Thursday as she flaunted a new nondisclosure agreement. Oh, man, you can tell he spent a lot on that thing," said one Hollywood insider, who added that the 25-year-old...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KPFZ)
KNOXVILLE, TN-Seizing every device belonging to the man during a coordinated operation between local police and the FBI, authorities reportedly placed depraved Anglophile Ned McCann under arrest Thursday after uncovering a hard drive with 1.5 terabytes of hardcore photos featuring Rory Kinnear, David Mitchell, and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KPCM)
MENLO PARK, CA-Noting that the Meta CEO had been acting rather strange lately and was using his Oculus far more than usual, Mark Zuckerberg's wife Priscilla Chan admitted she was suspicious Thursday after he began referring to her as his human wife." I don't want to jump to conclusions, but yesterday he spent almost...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KP3Z)
LOS ANGELES-Saying the channel would do everything in its power to make up for the writer and producer's years of toxic, abusive behavior, Nickelodeon announced Thursday that Dan Schneider had been chemically castrated with slime. While in his powerful position at Nickelodeon, Mr. Schneider harassed child stars and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KP40)
IRVINE, CA-Rolling out the new menu item in a national ad campaign, Taco Bell introduced a limited-time burrito Thursday that will reportedly do its best to satisfy people's hunger, but there are no guarantees in this crazy world. Though we've done everything in our power to create a burrito that will assuage our...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KP41)
YICHANG, CHINA-Feeling an unfamiliar tinge of emptiness midway through his 117-nation excursion, Indiana resident Larry Hough reported Wednesday that abandoning his family back in Fort Wayne in order to visit a McDonald's in every foreign country was not as satisfying an endeavor as he had imagined. Huh, is it...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KP1V)
The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit users can expect now that the company has gone public.Read more...
|
on (#6KP1W)
The NFL completely overhauled its kickoff rules, taking elements used in the XFL in an effort to make the play a more integral part of the game and decrease the number of touchbacks to keep the ball in play. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KP1X)
WASHINGTON-Having acknowledged that his behavior was completely uncalled for no matter how rude the U.S. populace had acted, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona was fired Wednesday after he reportedly threw a chair at the nation. Unfortunately, Secretary Cardona got into an argument with the nation yesterday that...Read more...
|
on (#6KNNH)
The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed yesterday after a 948-foot cargo ship struck it departing the port, causing the governor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KNBT)
CHICAGO-Pleading with animal rescue authorities as they wrestled him into the back of a van, local pit bull mix Pistol stated Wednesday that he likes fighting for money. But I'm so good at it-please!" said Pistol, who reportedly panicked as he caught one last glimpse of the beloved dog-fighting compound he called...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KNBV)
DANVILLE, KY-Determined to complete the task though her progress was slowed by the root vegetable continually slipping from her arthritic grasp, local grandmother Dolores Wheeler reportedly spent all of Wednesday peeling a single potato. We really want to help her, but anytime one of us goes in there, she shoos us...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KN4R)
While the popular weight loss drug Ozempic might seem like a godsend, the medication is not without its downsides, including a laundry list of potential health complications. The following are the worst side effects that Ozempic users don't want you to know about.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KN4T)
A New York appeals court ruled that it would accept a bond of $175 million, reduced from $454 million, from Donald Trump, preventing the attorney general from collecting the former president's assets while he appeals the judgment against him. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KMQT)
Close on the heels of King Charles III's cancer diagnosis, Catherine, Princess of Wales, revealed that she has also been diagnosed with cancer and has begun chemotherapy. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6KMHR)
WASHINGTON-Saying it was high time" she made a more serious investment in her career, Vice President Kamala Harris confided to reporters Tuesday that she had joined a coworking space in the D.C. area. It's a pretty big expense to take on, but it ought to be worth it for the networking opportunities, which I'm hoping...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KMHS)
Two years after overturning Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court is this week hearing arguments in a case that could curtail or eliminate nationwide access to mifepristone, commonly known as the abortion pill. Here are some of the things that could happen when the court eventually issues its decision.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KMEK)
INDIANAPOLIS-Let down by the absence of spectacle and suspense she had come to expect from the show, longtime Chicago Fire fan Tina Berk told reporters Tuesday she was disappointed by the new season's focus on nothing but the characters nonchalantly responding to false alarms. So far it's mostly been driving," said...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KMEM)
NEW YORK-Sighing deeply as he closed his overcoat yet again and kicked in dismay at the scattered alleyway trash, local man Frank Pendrowski told reporters Tuesday he wasn't sure what more he could possibly do to make women he flashes love him. For years I've put myself out there, exposing my genitals to passersby,...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KMBC)
NEW YORK-Issuing a public statement for immediate release, Weight Watchers announced they had gone totally ham on some nachos at approximately 10 p.m. Monday and that's okay, they're not going to beat themselves up over it. Just so everyone knows, last night we absolutely housed a huge plate of nachos, they were...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6KM7Q)
Donald Trump has heaped incredible amounts of praise onto Vladimir Putin, especially as both men attempt to undermine the credibility American democracy. The following are the biggest compliments Trump has paid to the Russian president.Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6KKR3)
LONDON-Saying the accusations made against him over the years were not just disgusting but patently false, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, told reporters Monday the scandal over his alleged pedophilia was just Buckingham Palace's attempt to cover up his ongoing battle with cancer. Sadly, rather than being honest about a...Read more...
|