The Onion

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The Department of Justice filed charges, including murder and conspiring to kill U.S. nationals, against former Cuban President Raul Castro for the 1996 downing of civilian aircraft, raising the specter of war as tensions ramp up with the Communist island nation. What do you think?The post U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President appeared first on The Onion.

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SUN PRAIRIE, WI-Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student council treasurer Grayson Burner's deepest convictions were reportedly tested Thursday after he obtained access to $52 in singles. Let's not do anything too hasty-this kind of money doesn't come along every [...]The post Student Council Treasurer's Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Flashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle Richards was seen Thursday circling menacingly around the table where The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' California spinoff was filming. I don't care what you Mormon wives get up to in Utah, but California is mine, [...]The post Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' Spinoff Shoot appeared first on The Onion.

Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark a wider war. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the conflict. 10-20 Synonyms for boondoggle" journalists aren't allowed to use 8.6 million Schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles 19-ish [...]The post The Iran War By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that they couldn't get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we'll take everything you got," said Nevada resident [...]The post Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you're a foot-nearly a foot and a half-off the ground, you start to lose [...]The post Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended [...]The post Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort appeared first on The Onion.

MEDFORD, MA-Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going back to live with their parents due to the [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits appeared first on The Onion.

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Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldn't charm his way out of this one (leukemia).The post Bobby Hanlon appeared first on The Onion.

CANNES, FRANCE-Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to watch Mortal Kombat II. Come on, no one's looking, just go," said actor Stellan Skarsgard, who ushered the rest of the jury members through an emergency exit door and down a [...]The post Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch Mortal Kombat II' appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA-Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the mundane on Mars. After more than a dozen years on the Red Planet, our rover has officially uncovered a peaceful quietude among the endless rust-colored vistas," aerospace engineer Haley Thompson said [...]The post NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope's assassination protocol. Have your tickets ready, keys and phones out of your pockets, and-this part is very important, so please listen up-make sure flash settings on your phones and cameras are off," [...]The post BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope's Assassination Protocol appeared first on The Onion.

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HENDERSON, NV-In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday to gain enough momentum to sit up from his chair. According to several reports, the 73-year-old used the mass of his large belly like a pendulum's counterweight as he oscillated to [...]The post Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. I'm calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me," said Trump, acknowledging that he [...]The post Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have appeared first on The Onion.

HEATH, TX-Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal told reporters Tuesday that even he was surprised to learn he was the new spokesman for DivaCup. Really don't remember signing up for this one-I remember Icy Hot, the General, JCPenney, and Muscle Milk, but not [...]The post Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He's The New Spokesman For DivaCup appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their return from the IRS for funding their dream sandwich. Rather than spend that money right away, what would happen if you set it aside as an investment in the sandwich of [...]The post Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich appeared first on The Onion.

EDMOND, OK-Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem,local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday thatherrespect for longtime friend Darci Strouse had plummeted after reading a book Strouse enthusiastically recommended. She said she's read thisfuckingbookadozentimes and that it had a huge influence on who she is [...]The post Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended appeared first on The Onion.

Tensions between mainland China and Taiwan remain volatile, with significant geopolitical implications in the region and abroad. The Onion looks back at China's history with the contested island. 8,000 B.C. Taiwan decides it needs a little space and disconnects from the Chinese mainland. 1662 Violent clash over who has to talk to the Dutch. 1887 [...]The post Timeline Of China-Taiwan Relations appeared first on The Onion.

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The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think?The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly [...]The post Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It appeared first on The Onion.

The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale. While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything. If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to [...]The post Tips For Supporting Public Media appeared first on The Onion.

HENDERSON, NV-Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the world's horrific news stories they were discussing. According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak [...]The post Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed appeared first on The Onion.

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Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party.The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed not even a little bit," insisting his only concern was preventing the Middle East nation from procuring a nuclear weapon. What do you think?The post Trump: Americans' Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations appeared first on The Onion.

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Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: What is it about? A: An opposites attract" relationship between two college students who are different kinds of hot. Q: Where is it set? A: Confusingly, on campus. [...]The post What To Know About Off Campus' appeared first on The Onion.

FORT WAYNE, IN-Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew Riley confided to reporters Wednesday that he was horrified to find himself seeking community online. Riley, a 33-year-old account manager who last summer joined an internet forum for wristwatch enthusiasts, [...]The post Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online appeared first on The Onion.

Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of the Republican Party. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss his views on faith, the Trump administration's goals, and his future ambitions. The Onion: Mr. Vice President, [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

UKIAH, CA-Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed over to the sidelines of an ongoing youth soccer game Saturday afternoon to demand that the coach play his unathletic son less. Josh has been on the field for 20 [...]The post Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less appeared first on The Onion.

Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell: The civil union brings Blackwell's lifetime dating record to 3-14-1.The post Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an effort to focus on the incredible array of bathing suits featured in its pages, Sports Illustrated announced Wednesday that it would be removing all the distracting models from the magazine's swimsuit edition. It has come to our attention that the buxom women we usually feature in our swimsuit issues have been inadvertently [...]The post Sports Illustrated' Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition appeared first on The Onion.

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Passengers aboard the cruise ship at the epicenter of a deadly hantavirus outbreak have returned to their home countries, where they will be quarantined and monitored. What do you think?The post Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home appeared first on The Onion.

LANGLEY, VA-In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central Intelligence Agency came under fire Friday for arming a group of rowdy 7-year-olds in the town of Heronburg, OH.Last I checked, the American people were never consulted about whether they wanted [...]The post CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds appeared first on The Onion.

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