 |
on (#6HD37)
CHICAGO-Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. They ask you questions to check on your progress, but you can totally just lie, no problem," said a man leaving a meeting in the basement of...Read more...
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-20 11:33 |
 |
on (#6HD38)
AUSTIN, TX-Providing consumers with the opportunity to die a hero, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Tuesday that he was recruiting volunteers for a dangerous one-way mission in a self-driving Cybertruck. We are looking for brave souls willing to embark upon a harrowing mission from which they will never return," said...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HD39)
There's only one thing men's rights activists hate more than women, minorities, and using preferred pronouns, and that's ingesting anything besides red meat. The Onion asked right-wing men why they refuse to eat vegetables, and this is what they said.
|
 |
 |
on (#6HCMQ)
According to a Gallup poll, 94% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas in some way, both with secular and nonsecular traditions. What are you doing on Christmas day?Read more...
 |
on (#6HCMR)
HAVERHILL, MA-With the scene buried deep in the local woman's subconscious seeming to emerge out of nowhere, sources confirmed Monday that Lindsay Healy's childhood memory of kissing her cousin had suddenly bubbled to the surface during a game of charades. According to sources, Healy's once-repressed recollection of...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6HCMT)
ST. LOUIS-Her face fixed in a permanent grimace throughout the evening, local mother Deanna Murray's main contribution to the political discussion taking place in her kitchen Monday was reportedly an occasional disgusted scoffing noise. According to sources, the 64-year-old woman balled her fists at the mention of the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HCMV)
RIO RANCHO, NM-Scattering excrement here and there on the floor to bring a little Christmas magic to their home, local parents Doug and Sarah Lynch got up early Sunday to place Santa droppings around their living room so they could convince their children he really visited. Look, kids, there's Santa scat by the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HC6X)
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY-Staying up late to make sure he could pleasure himself without anyone noticing, local man Dylan Utley was reportedly waiting until his wife and kids were asleep Sunday to go and masturbate under the Christmas tree. Hopefully I can be really quiet so as to not wake anyone up while I lie under the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HC6Y)
BERWYN, IL-Tempering their excitement at the Christmas Eve pitter-patter on the roof, local children Jayden and Mila Andrews confirmed Sunday they were now old enough to know those sounds were nothing more than their father contemplating suicide. It may sound like the real Santa, but remember, it's only Dad up there...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HC6M)
CHICAGO-Reminding the Walmart cashier that the Yuletide season comes but once a year, sources confirmed Sunday that a real-life Ebenezer Scrooge was working on Christmas Eve. What a heartless miser she must be to sit behind that counter this late on Christmas Eve, chasing after just a bit more money rather than...Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
on (#6HB4E)
Test your knowledge of the ultimate billionaire memelord with this epic Elon Musk quiz.Read more...
|
on (#6HB1Y)
NASA successfully transmitted a laser video of an orange cat named Taters playing on a couch to the Psyche spacecraft, the video traveling nearly 19 million miles in a landmark achievement testing technology that could be used to quickly send data and images to future manned missions to Mars and beyond. What do you...Read more...
 |
on (#6HB1Z)
KHAN YUNIS, GAZA-In a brutal scene of death and destruction that claimed the lives of countless innocent bystanders, reporters confirmed Friday that a dozen Palestinians had been killed in a recent operation by the Israel Defense Forces to cross the street. The casualties, which included civilian men, women, and...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HB21)
KENOSHA, WI-Insisting that they would not be daunted in their hunt for this vitally needed information, the nation's nieces gathered Friday to announce that they would keep asking where your ex was every time you visit. We remain resolute in our investigation into why your ex Zack is not with you for...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HB22)
GURNEE, IL- Claiming to finally have physical evidence of the legendary North American cryptid, sources confirmed Friday that a photo captured Bigfoot going down a log flume ride. Now, you can see he is slightly blurred as the log is rapidly descending, but that is clearly Sasquatch himself," said cryptozoologist...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HAKJ)
The Colorado Supreme Court banned President Donald Trump from appearing on the state's Republican presidential primary ballot, citing the Constitution's insurrection clause and Trump's conduct during the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol as disqualifying him from holding public office. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6HAKK)
WASHINGTON-As they took note of the winter solstice's arrival on Thursday, sources across the Northern Hemisphere reported that this day, their so-called shortest of the year, remained just as excruciating as all the rest. The North Pole may have achieved its maximum tilt away from the sun, but this has reportedly...Read more...
|
on (#6HAGN)
A computer science professor specializing in machine-learning-aided authorship attribution investigated the long-disputed 1823 poem The Night Before Christmas" in an effort to determine whether it was written by a Troy, NY landowner and professor Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston Jr., a poet and farmer from...Read more...
 |
on (#6HA89)
Though he has distanced himself from former Vice President Mike Pence, Donald Trump has yet to announce a running mate for the 2024 election. The Onion asked Americans why former Fox News host Tucker Carlson should be on the ticket with Trump, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HA8A)
THE HEAVENS-Saying He was surprised and intrigued by the sudden new insight into His divine heritage, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Thursday He had recently learned He was 25% Puerto Rican. I honestly had no idea, but it turns out My mom's dad was a Puerto Rican man," said the Maker of Heaven and Earth, who...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HA8B)
This two-bedroom, one-bath single-level is perfect for a young professional couple on the way up or a middle-aged alcoholic on the way to rock bottom.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6HA69)
YARMOUTH, ME-In an attempt to provide a hands-on understanding of mammalian biology, a ninth-grade class at Lincoln High School reportedly taught students how to mutilate a pig carcass Friday. We want our kids to have firsthand experience of what it's like to cut out a pig's tongue and nail it to the wall to...Read more...
|
 |
 |
on (#6HA6B)
BURBANK, CA-Calling the series a grueling but ultimately hopeful addition to the sci-fi universe, streaming service Disney+ debuted Dagobah Diaries this week, a show about Yoda's battle against testicular cancer. Having squared off against the Sith and Count Dooku's insidious forces, Yoda starts battling his...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H9TC)
Pope Francis is formally allowing Catholic priests to bless same-sex couples, with the caveat that they cannot endorse their marriage, a rite which can only occur between a man and a woman in the Catholic church. What do you think?Read more...
 |
 |
on (#6H9DY)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
|
on (#6H9BJ)
U.S. Customs found over 3,000 pounds of methamphetamine and over 500 pounds of cocaine smuggled in barrels of jalapeno paste in San Diego, with the narcotics estimated to be worth $10 million. What do you think?Read more...
 |
on (#6H9BK)
Foul-mouthed Americans across the country display great creativity when screaming profanities. The Onion examines the favorite curse word in every state.Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H9BM)
ATHERTON, CA-Hoping to unwind and enjoy one of his all-time favorite films, an exhausted billionaire reported Wednesday that he just wanted to curl up and rewatch an enslaved Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts perform Notting Hill at gunpoint. I must've seen it a million times, but I still love the chemistry those two have...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H9BN)
PASADENA, CA-Persuaded to spend another evening playing board games with a handful of neighborhood couples, local single woman Beth Fritch was reportedly paired with the dog again. I knew this was going to happen-we're always the odd players out and forced onto a team," Fritch said of Popcorn, the golden lab who she...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H9B4)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to protect travelers from the dangers of secondhand smoke, a new federal law went into effect this week requiring flight passengers to go at least five feet out on the plane's wing if they want to smoke. Encouraging passengers who crave a mid-flight cigarette to open up the emergency exit ...Read more...
|
 |
 |
 |
on (#6H8VW)
After footage leaked of a congressional staffer having sex in hearing room used by the Senate Judiciary Committee, The Onion asked senators to reveal the best places to have sex in the capitol, and this is what they said.Read more...
|
on (#6H8VF)
The Department of Transportation ordered Southwest to pay $140 million in fines for its operational failure over the 2022 holidays that stranded more than 2 million passengers, with DOT secretary Pete Buttigeig saying, This is about the entire industry, sending a signal that you should not be cutting corners." What...Read more...
 |
on (#6H8SB)
LOS ANGELES-Just hours after Marvel announced they dropped the newly disgraced actor from all upcoming projects, DC Studios confirmed Tuesday it had signed Jonathan Majors to a $20 million contract. We are so excited to welcome Jonathan Majors to the DC universe, and we can't wait to see him act alongside our best...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H8GC)
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY-Going about his daily life completely oblivious to his exceptional gift, area man Daniel Clark remains tragically unaware that he possesses one of the top five most beautiful assholes in America, sources confirmed Thursday. Every single day this man wakes up, goes to work, and comes home without the...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H8GD)
CLEVELAND-Explaining that he had no way of transporting it to the drop-off location even if he wanted to, local man Jason Gardner told reporters he spent Tuesday calling around looking for a donation center that would come and pick up bulkier sperm. The truth is, I've got some perfectly good spermatozoa, but I can...Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H8EB)
Situated in the futuristic Newfoundland Standard Time Zone in St. John's, Canada, this state-of-the-art home will allow you to experience life 1.5 hours ahead of everyone in New York, Philadelphia, and Miami! If interested, remember to call us between 7:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. EST, because we live in THE FUTURE!Read more...
|
 |
on (#6H8EC)
OMAHA, NE-After driving from agency to agency all over town to find the perfect ward of the state, local man Pete Byrd placed a big red bow on top of a brand-new foster child, sources reported Tuesday. Janice is going to be so excited when she looks under the tree and sees the orphaned boy I got her," Byrd said as he...Read more...
|