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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 18:00 |
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on (#64QQM)
SAVANNAH, GA—Gathering friends and relatives for an intimate evening of pointing out the reception’s shortcomings in hushed tones, wedding couple Mike and Lily Katersky told reporters Saturday they were grateful to be surrounded by loved ones quietly criticizing everything about the event. “We’re just so happy all of…Read more...
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on (#64QM7)
With potential benefits ranging from education to healthcare to entertainment, virtual reality is a major focus of research and spending across industries, but the actual technology behind it can be confusing. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how virtual reality actually works.Read more...
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on (#64QGX)
KING ABDULLAH ECONOMIC CITY, SAUDI ARABIA—Players on the LIV Golf tour expressed frustration Friday over the hazards on the course at the Royal Greens Golf and Country Club, where they were reportedly forced to putt around a woman being beheaded. “I was doing all right until the 13th hole, when it cost me three…Read more...
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on (#64QG2)
This November, Trump-loyalist and former television news anchor Kari Lake will be on the ballot in the Arizona governor’s race. The Onion asked Arizonans why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64QF9)
MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that the criminals who breached the system had already done significant, irreversible damage, a damning new cybersecurity report released Friday found that Russian hackers had gained access to millions of Metaverse legs. “As of today, foreign agents employed by the Russian government have…Read more...
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on (#64QFA)
NEW YORK—Appearing to regret that Beatlemania didn’t die when John Lennon did, the reanimated corpse of the murdered musician told reporters Friday he wished he could go out in public without fans pointing and screaming at him. “It would be nice if I could enjoy a meal in a restaurant, but the moment my wasting form…Read more...
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on (#64QE6)
PITTSBURGH—Boasting a 99% efficacy rate in the prevention of pregnancy, birth-control brand Mirena released a new corkscrew whirlycoaster IUD Thursday that reportedly gets sperm cells too dizzy to find the uterus. “With Mirena’s latest intrauterine device, sperm cells are placed in a miniature bench seat, strapped…Read more...
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on (#64PTP)
LOS ANGELES—Apologizing for the antisemitic comments in his recent shocking Twitter rants, rapper and fashion designer Kanye West reportedly sought reconciliation with the worldwide Jewish cabal Thursday in order to collaborate on his new idea for a ‘Yeezy x Jews’ streetwear brand. “I am truly sorry for what I said…Read more...
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on (#64P8K)
DALLAS—Releasing the appendages from its sides after two pink lines appeared in the results window, a positive pregnancy test was said to have immediately sprouted robotic legs Thursday before scanning local woman Trish Nehorai’s face with a laser. “Identity: Trish Nehorai,” confirmed the Clearblue stick, its…Read more...
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on (#64P8M)
RACINE, WI—Locked in a tight reelection race and eager to convince voters of his bona fides as a law-and-order candidate, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) demonstrated he was tough on crime Thursday by hanging an accused bread thief in a Wisconsin town square. “All ye of good morals and fine virtue, gather now upon the village…Read more...
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on (#64P53)
New Zealand’s government is proposing a tax on the greenhouse gasses that farm animals make from burping and urinating as part of a plan to tackle climate change, angering farmers who say such taxes will hurt the farming industry that’s vital to the country’s economy. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64P4Y)
TWIN FALLS, ID—Feeling embarrassed by his own incoherent writing, local man Nathaniel Murphy told reporters Thursday his manifesto sounded stupid when read out loud. “It wasn’t until I printed it out and read it slowly and clearly out loud that I realized connecting women’s refusal to have sex with me to TV ads and…Read more...
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on (#64NE4)
Baltimore prosecutors have dropped all charges against Adnan Syed, the subject of the podcast Serial who was imprisoned for the 1999 killing of his ex-girlfriend Hae Min Lee, after advanced DNA test results supported his innocence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64MT5)
With the midterm elections less than a month away, politicians across America are scrambling to convince voters they’re slightly less worse than their opponent. The Onion highlights the most important races of the 2022 midterms.Read more...
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on (#64MRH)
SAN ANTONIO—Out of consideration for the fully and visibly erect stranger standing across from her in the park, local resident Ashley Perales informed a masturbating man that the fly of his pants was down, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Excuse me, sir, I know this is a bit awkward, but I think you forgot to zip your…Read more...
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on (#64MQD)
GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that the officer was probably just trying to pad his numbers, local man Trent Johnson confirmed Wednesday that a cop had clearly just pulled him over to reach a monthly kill quota. “Well, I was driving the speed limit and my lights were working, so he probably just flagged me to get his civilian…Read more...
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on (#64M51)
TORONTO—In a critique of what he described as a “warped” perspective on weight, media personality and psychologist Jordan Peterson expressed disgust Tuesday over the enthusiastic reception given to a 2,560-pound prize-winning pumpkin from Minnesota. “There’s just no way that pumpkin is healthy, and no amount of…Read more...
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on (#64M46)
iPhone 14 users are reporting that the new phone’s crash detection feature, which alerts authorities when it detects you’ve been in a car accident, has been dialing 911 on rollercoasters after mistaking the rides for car crashes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64M1K)
NEW YORK—Contrasting the message with the one received by Hunter Biden, Sean Hannity reportedly played a voicemail from his dad calling him a piece of shit Monday to demonstrate what a healthy father–son relationship sounded like. “Hey, Sean, it’s Dad—I called you to tell you I hate you and I’ll always hate you,”…Read more...
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on (#64KDQ)
Researchers at UCLA and a startup called ElectraTect are testing a “cannabinoid fuel cell” that they say provides a key foundation for one day developing a marijuana breath analyzer, similar to ones that exist to test for alcohol on a person’s breath. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64KDR)
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the shifting media landscape, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the majority of Americans get their news from walking by a stack of televisions in a store window display. “According to our survey, 85% of Americans get their news from walking right past…Read more...
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on (#64JAF)
FLOWER MOUND, TX—Condemning the “woke left” for what he called the “modern evisceration of masculinity,” local conservative man Hank Daniels confirmed Monday that he was never going to stop being proudly frightened of everything. “I’m proud as hell to be scared of everything, and there’s nothing you can do to silence…Read more...
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on (#64JAG)
LOS ANGELES—A study released Monday by researchers at the UCLA Center for Disability Resources found that over half of all blind Americans with walking sticks were covert assassins waiting for the perfect moment to strike. “Our research suggests that the majority of blind Americans with walking sticks—whether tapping…Read more...
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on (#64JAH)
After numerous requests for the records and an FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, the Justice Department believes Donald Trump still has documents that belong in the National Archives. The Onion gives a rundown of exactly which ones the former president has yet to return.Read more...
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on (#64J8T)
EUTAW, AL—Drawing from a curriculum that states all cultures have their own Übermensches, a progressive Alabama school district teaches students that every race is the master race in its own way, sources confirmed Monday. “When you think about it, every race, no matter where it comes from, is genetically superiority…Read more...
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on (#64J7J)
An American tourist has been taken into custody after officials say he damaged two ancient Roman sculptures at the Vatican, with authorities saying the man grew angry when he was not allowed to see the pope. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64J7K)
NEW YORK—Reflexively wincing at the offensive and unidentified odor, local sanitation worker Joe Nuzzi reportedly dug around his garbage truck Friday looking for the source of a weird smell. “Ew, something stinks—what the hell is that?” said Nuzzi, who reached his arm behind and under his seat to see if he had perhaps…Read more...
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on (#64HT3)
GLENDALE, AZ—Laughing to himself as he imagined the unsuspecting person lying under a tangle of players, Eagles offensive coordinator Shane Steichen reportedly drew up a new play Sunday that would perfectly crush a defenseless photographer on the sidelines. “This is perfect—they will never see this coming, and the…Read more...
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on (#64G5G)
President Joe Biden has taken executive action to change U.S. policy on marijuana, pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession, while also urging state governors to follow suit and asking federal officials to start a review process of how marijuana is classified. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64G5H)
NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking deal expected to revolutionize the way upper-middle-class Americans consume fast food, meal-kit company HelloFresh announced a new collaboration Friday that would allow it to discreetly deliver McDonald’s in its own HelloFresh packaging. “We know how much our customers value the appearance…Read more...
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on (#64FYN)
The recently released Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story has been criticized by several victims’ family members, some of whom are depicted in the miniseries. The Onion looks at the most infamous instances of people who hated their onscreen portrayals in film and television.Read more...
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on (#64FWG)
As the Supreme Court begins a new term following a year filled with controversial decisions, including the overturning of Roe v. Wade, some critics have called the court’s legitimacy into question. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for ideas on how to reform the court and restore its legitimacy in the eyes of…Read more...
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on (#64FTN)
After Elon Musk’s texts became public because of his legal dispute with Twitter, The Onion compiled and published the most disturbing, demented, and bizarre messages the Tesla CEO received.Read more...
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on (#64FPK)
CHICAGO—With the season about to start, reporters at The Onion’s downtown offices stated Friday that this is our annual headline about hockey. So here you go, sources confirmed. The cultural presence of the National Hockey League basically requires us to do at least one headline about hockey each season, reporters…Read more...
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on (#64FPM)
TAMPA BAY, FL—Promising that together, there was nothing the former teammates couldn’t do, Tom Brady reportedly urged Rob Gronkowski on Friday to join him in Tampa for his last year of marriage. “Hey man, I know you said you were done, but there’s no one else I’d want alongside me for my final year with Gisele and the…Read more...
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on (#64FKD)
FORT MEYERS BEACH, FL—After surveying the devastation of Hurricane Ian along the Florida Gulf Coast, President Joe Biden held a press event Friday at which he tried to hammer a ceremonial board into the sand to kick off the area’s rebuilding efforts. “Well, that should do it,” said the president, who attempted to…Read more...
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on (#64FKE)
A new Scooby-Doo Halloween special will be depicting Velma as a lesbian on screen, putting to rest decades of speculation about the beloved character’s sexuality, in the first definitive portrayal of her as queer in the popular cartoon franchise. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64EBH)
Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, wore a shirt with “White Lives Matter” written on it to his Yeezy SZN 9 fashion show in Paris, later writing on social media that “Black Lives Matter” was a scam. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64DSM)
The Daily Beast reported that Herschel Walker, the pro-life Republican nominee in Georgia’s Senate race, paid for an abortion in 2009, allegedly reimbursing the woman he got pregnant for the procedure and sending her a get-well card. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64DRJ)
NEW YORK—Lauding the incredible acumen required to obtain access to the subject of her new biography, Confidence Man: The Making Of Donald Trump And The Breaking Of America, journalists nationwide marveled Wednesday at Maggie Haberman’s ability to get a man who never shuts up to respond to her questions. “Wow, I can’t…Read more...
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