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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 21:33 |
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on (#6FVGQ)
WASHINGTON-In the latest study on how the existential threat of global warming is affecting mental health, the Environmental Protection Agency revealed Wednesday that climate anxiety had increased now that rising sea levels were expected to force more people to wear swimsuits. As glacial ice melts and coastlines move...Read more...
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on (#6FVEG)
Michigan State University apologized for displaying an image of Adolf Hitler on its stadium video boards as part of a pregame trivia quiz before Saturday's football game. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FVDY)
WASHINGTON-After the nation's vast stretches of countryside were replaced almost overnight by sprawling, futuristic cityscapes, government officials confirmed Wednesday that programs aimed at bringing high-speed internet to underserved areas had turned rural America into a cybernetic metropolis. As soon as they had...Read more...
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on (#6FTSS)
Sidney Powell plead guilty in Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election on behalf of Donald Trump. Here is everything The Onion knows about the former Trump attorney's guilty plea so far.Read more...
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on (#6FTQ4)
MINNEAPOLIS-Following a long and particularly stressful surgery, a team of exhausted doctors at Fairview Memorial Hospital pronounced patient Ross Neal, 79, dead enough, sources confirmed Tuesday. Time of pretty much death, 2:45 a.m." said Dr. Ted Domke, noting the patient's diminished brain activity and the fact...Read more...
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on (#6FTHQ)
BOSTON-Taking time during his group meeting Tuesday to reflect upon how his life got to where it is now, local alcoholic Steven DeWitt reportedly recalled the day he sat down and decided to have a debilitating addiction. I'll never forget: I was 15 years old, some friends from school were drinking vodka at a party,...Read more...
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on (#6FTHR)
CARMEL, IN-Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation's big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. We run pretty hot, so this doesn't feel cold...Read more...
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on (#6FTHS)
ARLINGTON, VA-Feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, local defense contractor Erick Yardley told reporters Tuesday he was unsure if he wanted to cook or just have dinner delivered by a politician on their hands and knees. It's been a long day, and I told myself I'd make something tonight, but it's so...Read more...
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on (#6FT1X)
Meta has apologized after inserting the word terrorist" into the profile bios of some Palestinian Instagram users, in what the company says was a bug in auto-translation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FSY4)
STERLING HEIGHTS, MI-Demonstrating a level of selflessness and compassion for his fellow human that was worthy of sainthood, a modern-day Mother Teresa reportedly waited for an NFL player on a stretcher to give a thumbs-up Sunday before considering the fantasy football implications. When a wide receiver suffered a...Read more...
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on (#6FQPM)
NEW YORK-Slurring his words as he made an impassioned argument about why he was the right man for the job, local drunk man Greg Adams reportedly approached a bucket drummer Friday and begged for the opportunity to act as his manager. Listen, man, you got it-you got all those goods," said a visibly wobbly Adams,...Read more...
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on (#6FQMX)
After a year filled with high-profile drama surrounding her marriage, Jada Pinkett Smith's first memoirwas published on Oct. 17. Here are the biggest reveals from the movie star's new book, Worthy.Read more...
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on (#6FQ6K)
The water level at a major river port in Brazil's Amazon rainforest has hit its lowest point in at least 121 years, as a historic drought upends the lives of hundreds of thousands of people and damages the jungle ecosystem. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FQ3K)
LOS ANGELES-Criticizing the apparent insincerity of his statements on comic book franchise films, Marvel fans blasted Martin Scorsese as a hypocrite Thursday for including a Deadpool cameo in his latest feature, Killers Of The Flower Moon. After all that talk of Marvel movies being the death of cinema,' Scorsese...Read more...
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on (#6FPSD)
WICHITA, KS-Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. In order to reduce the suffering of livestock, trained hit men will creep into the pens of cattle late at night and...Read more...
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on (#6FPSE)
America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they've contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That, more than anything else, is what defines this country's greatness. Here, The...Read more...
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on (#6FPPK)
Pepper X' is now officially the world's hottest chili pepper, rating at an average of 2,693,000 Scoville Heat Units. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FPPM)
MENLO PARK, CA-In an effort to improve user experience, Meta announced Thursday that the next update of Instagram would include helpful labels indicating the point at which a girlfriend stops appearing in the posts of a given account holder. Starting today, some Instagram users will notice a beta rollout of this new...Read more...
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on (#6FP9B)
Britney Spears recounts in a forthcoming memoir that she had an abortion to end a pregnancy by fellow pop star Justin Timberlake while the two were dating in the late 1990s and early 2000s. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FNQ8)
BAY VILLAGE, OH-In an apparent effort to turn the incident into an instructional moment for their curious 1-year-old son, local parents Josh and Lisa Cohen repeated the word gentle" Wednesday when the toddler ripped a dog's ear clean off. There we go, Mason, very good job petting the doggy," said Lisa, who then...Read more...
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on (#6FNPX)
Several Girl Scout troops announced that the price of cookies will be going up next season in order to combat rising production and material costs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FN9D)
U.S. pharmacy chain Rite Aid Corp. filed for bankruptcy in an effort to close unprofitable stores, address lawsuits over its role in the opioid pandemic, and rework a debt load of roughly $4 billion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FN09)
PORTLAND, OR-Midway through a session in which she allegedly channeled the spirit of a departed loved one, local psychic Esme The Prophetess" Sherwood informed her client Tuesday that her dead mother was saying some pretty boilerplate ghost shit. What I'm hearing is basically that she's proud of you, she loves...Read more...
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on (#6FN0A)
DENVER-Asked for his thoughts a week before his team's 2023-24 opener, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Tuesday he was looking forward to the season ending. I'll be honest, I'm ready to get out there and walk away from the arena after the last game of the season," said Jokic, adding that he believed...Read more...
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on (#6FMQ0)
Former President Donald Trump allegedly shared highly classified information about U.S. nuclear submarines with an Australian billionaire who was a member of Mar-a-Lago. The Onion asked other members what government secrets the 45th president shared with them, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FMQ1)
MINNEAPOLIS-Describing the physician's remarks as patronizing" and unprofessional," local man David Kohr confirmed Tuesday that he did not go to the doctor for a lecture about what should and should not go in his ass. Jeez, can't you just yank it out and be on your way?" said Kohr, who reportedly struggled not to...Read more...
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on (#6FM31)
WASHINGTON-With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new federal statute requires anyone who publicly announces their need to take a piss to register as a sex offender. Those who loudly declare to people around...Read more...
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on (#6FKZW)
WASHINGTON-Noting that there were still so many lives to be lost, so much pain to be inflicted, and so much blood to be shed, a new report published Monday by researchers at American University found that when there could be an all-out war, a diplomatic solution sounded pretty fucking lame. According to our study, in...Read more...
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on (#6FKP2)
NEW YORK-Exclaiming with delight when the revelation arrived 30 minutes into their dinner together, local woman Sophia Davis is said to have grown genuinely fascinated Monday after her date mentioned that he was one-eighth Puerto Rican. Oh, wow, really? That's so interesting-that must have colored your...Read more...
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on (#6FKP3)
PARSIPPANY, NJ-Offering customers a fast and easy way to poison their loved ones, packaged-food brand Green Giant introduced new frozen death cap mushrooms Monday for convenient weeknight murders. Whether it's a crime of passion or you're simply trying to off your husband so you can embark on a exciting new life with...Read more...
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on (#6FJ3N)
LOS ANGELES-Sharing the exciting personal development with new maternity photos, actor and talk show host Jada Pinkett Smith announced Friday she was pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock's baby. Chris and I are so overjoyed to be welcoming a new bundle of joy into this world, as we've been trying for a long...Read more...
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on (#6FHSN)
The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation...Read more...
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on (#6FHNS)
WASHINGTON-Pushing back a black hood to reveal reddened, glowing eyes, Sen. Ron Darkness appeared on CNN Friday to try to garner support for a 1,000-year reign of blood. In times of great tragedy, we as Americans must do all we can to enact many millennia of death and suffering," the independent lawmaker from Hades...Read more...
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on (#6FHNT)
With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FHNW)
QUINCY, MA-Issuing its annual safety recommendations for preventing fire-related injury, the National Fire Protection Association released an updated report Thursday confirming that sitting down in a barrel of water remains the best way to put out a fire on one's ass. By far, the most effective method for...Read more...
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on (#6FGPK)
Although they are known to be the most virile, physically attractive men on the planet, many Joe Rogan fans still find themselves painfully single. The Onion asked women why they don't date people who listen to The Joe Rogan Experience, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FGPM)
A Minnesota horticulture teacher set a world record for the heaviest pumpkin after growing a giant jack-o'-lantern gourd weighing 2,749 pounds. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FGPS)
VALDOSTA, GA-In a move that caused several family members to stare with their jaws agape, household sources confirmed Thursday that sweaty, menopausal mother Lisa Kessler straight up took her shirt off during dinner. I know her body is changing, but wow, I did not expect her to take off her shirt, toss it into the...Read more...
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on (#6FG3A)
Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is facing criticism after a public records request revealed that her office bought a lectern for $19,000, and a whistleblower accused them of altering records to cover up the spending. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FFZK)
CULVER CITY, CA-Showing off their creativity and lack of parenting skills, TikTok users across the globe were reportedly participating in a new trend Thursday to see how fast they could get their kids taken away by child protective services. Basically, my entire TikTok feed right now is children getting carted away...Read more...
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on (#6FFRS)
PORTSMOUTH, NH-Insisting that she simply wanted to make him feel welcome during his three-day stay, local mom Debra Solander reportedly gave her 37-year-old son a grand tour of the snacks in the pantry while he was home for the weekend. Let's see here, we've got unsalted pretzels, tortillas, those pita chips-but...Read more...
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on (#6FFRT)
TOYOTA, JAPAN-Noting that the colorful, shiny vehicles are far more toxic than they appear, Toyota officials announced Wednesday that the company has created a new bitter coating to prevent children from swallowing cars. Thanks to this state-of-the-art denatonium benzoate coating, children will be far more deterred...Read more...
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