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on (#6DWPF)
JACKSON, LA-With a scorching heat wave causing temperatures inside the Dixon Correctional Institute to soar, local prison guard Jeffrey Wittsack told reporters Wednesday that he'd heated his lunch up inside a 150-degree Fahrenheit solitary confinement cell. Well, it was pretty easy, I just took out my leftovers, put...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-07 23:00 |
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on (#6DWPG)
LAKE MARY, FL-Hoping to instill an important life lesson in the impressionable teens, a Florida school reportedly began handing out lifelike dolls to students Wedneday that would simulate the experience of owning a slave. A lot of these young people think it sounds easy to own another human being, but it's a lot...Read more...
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on (#6DWPH)
According to Christian leaders, many evangelicals have begun to reject Jesus's teachings because they sound too similar to liberal talking points. The Onion asked Christians why the Son of God comes off as weak" and leftist, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DWPJ)
NORTH ADAMS, MA-Looking baffled as she scoured the museum brochure, local mom Denise Ainsworth reportedly approached a nearby docent at MASS MoCA Thursday to ask where the nice paintings are. I want to see the nice, happy paintings-is there a special area for that?" asked Ainsworth, making a puckered, disgusted look...Read more...
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on (#6DWPK)
DALLAS-Stressing that the demographic group represented a vital part of their customer base, restaurant and video game chain Dave & Busters rolled out a half-off Tuesday nights promotion this week for divorced men choosing between killing themselves and Skee-Ball. We're happy to give recently divorced men...Read more...
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on (#6DWKY)
A flash rob" group of as many as 50 people swarmed a Los Angeles mall last Tuesday, using bear spray to neutralize security guards as they made off with around $100,000 worth of luxury items. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DVWM)
DES MOINES, IA-Triggering an ear-splitting backlash from voters gathered at the Iowa State Fair, Ron DeSantis was reportedly booed off stage this week after flashing his stomach on stage. Several reports indicated that DeSantis stopped speaking mid-sentence at the campaign event to lift his shirt into the air,...Read more...
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on (#6DVVW)
Despite audits finding no evidence of fraud in the 2020 election, Donald Trump allegedly pressured Georgia officials to meddle with ballotsand spread conspiracy theories about the election's validity. The Onion examines everything Trump did in Georgia to try to overturn the 2020 election.Read more...
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on (#6DVT3)
WASHINGTON-In an increasingly rare bipartisan act, the U.S. Flag Code was reportedly updated Tuesday to state that the American flag has the power to grant wishes. The American flag is more than a symbol of our freedom-it's an omnipotent entity that can make your wildest dreams come true," said Rep. Jim Jordan...Read more...
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on (#6DVSP)
DERRY, NH-As they lamented her decision to take on such a burdensome responsibility in this phase of her life, sources reported Tuesday that local woman Laura Raclaw had chosen to squander her childbearing years by bearing children. It's just sad to see someone who's still so young using this precious time when she's...Read more...
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on (#6DVQN)
FORT LIBERTY, NC-As he signed and muttered, Here we go again," 13-year-old Army brat Logan Crawshaw was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday after learning his family would be moving just as he was getting comfortable with a new regional fast food chain. I know better than to get too attached, and yet I always do,"...Read more...
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on (#6DVQP)
As part of an escalating war on books, many Republicans are pushing to close local libraries across the country. The Onion asked conservatives why libraries should be defunded, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DVQQ)
California state regulators have allowed companies Waymo and Cruise to launch paid, 24/7, fully autonomous driverless car services in San Francisco, with advocates claiming robotaxis will be safer and detractors claiming they disrupt traffic and bus routes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV86)
The Energy Department announced an initiative to help build the nascent market for removing carbon dioxide already in the atmosphere, awarding up to $1.2 billion for two consortiums to build commercial-scale direct air capture hubs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV4V)
TALLAHASSEE-Calling the move critical" for the wellbeing of the state's children, Florida unveiled a new school curriculum Monday that would require students to keep their eyes shut all day until they were safe at home. Starting today, all 2.8 million students in Florida will be required to keep their eyes closed...Read more...
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on (#6DV1K)
The FBI shot and killed Craig Deleeuw Robertson, a Utah man who was suspected of threatening President Biden ahead of his planned trip to the state, with the incident occurring when special agents attempted to serve arrest and search warrants at his residence. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV1N)
ATLANTA-Sharing the exciting news with employees in a company-wide email, William Tannahill, the CEO of Broadacre Industries, announced Monday that he had promoted himself to senior CEO. I'd like to take a moment to congratulate myself on a job well done," said Tannahill, who noted that in addition to a change of...Read more...
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on (#6DV1P)
CHICAGO-As he paused midway through his monthly grooming ritual Monday, sources confirmed it was unclear for whose benefit unloved local man Matthew Harris kept trimming his pubic hair. Why am I doing this? Who cares?" said the romantically uninvolved 37-year-old, staring down at his partially shorn groin as he...Read more...
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on (#6DTTG)
With organizations facing backlash for attempting to promote equality and inclusion in the workplace, The Onion asked white people to explain why diversity initiatives are discriminatory, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DTRC)
BERWYN, IL-Beaming as she explained that she was just eating and exercising normally, local woman Jamie Fisher told reporters Monday she was flattered that her doctor thought she had an eating disorder. Aw, that's so sweet that he thought I was skinny enough to be starving myself in a dangerous, medically diagnosable...Read more...
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on (#6DTRD)
LOS ANGELES-Insisting that the twist never ceased to shock and amaze them, fans reported Monday that every season finale of the popular drama Black Gardens ended with a close-up of a supposedly dead character's eye springing open. Yeah, so they did this in the first five seasons with other characters, but this time...Read more...
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on (#6DRWJ)
The historic seaside town of Lahaina that was once the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii has been largely reduced to ash as wildfires continued to rip through the state, with 36 people already confirmed dead. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DRWK)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA-Insisting that they wished to demonstrate they were negotiating in good faith, Saudi officials announced Friday they had attempted to normalize ties with Israel by conducting an air strike in Gaza that killed eight Palestinians and left dozens more wounded. As an olive branch to Israeli...Read more...
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on (#6DRSN)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing that he was following the artist's lead, music executive Scooter Braun confirmed Friday that he would also be re-recording Taylor Swift's masters. I just think it's only right that I get paid for my music," said Braun, who said the newly recorded tracks would be labeled Scooter's Version" so...Read more...
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on (#6DRG8)
SEATTLE-Touting the device's state-of-the-art video and audio capabilities, Amazon unveiled its new giant camera Friday that tells users what to do. This floor-to-ceiling camera is the first auto-commanding device of its kind that blares accurate, up-to-the-minute instructions to the user on exactly what they should...Read more...
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on (#6DRG9)
LOS ANGELES-Announcing that the network wanted to shake up their Undisputed coverage team, Fox Sports began a search this week for a new fresh body to host Skip Bayless. We strive to offer our viewers the best coverage we can, and Skip is ready for a new host on which to feed," said Fox Sports CEO Eric Shanks,...Read more...
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on (#6DRDF)
Despite having many seemingly progressive views, many people who identify as liberal still support laws that make it illegal for the unhoused to exist in public spaces. The Onion asked liberals why they believe homelessness should be criminalized, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DRDG)
WASHINGTON-Stopping at a local cafe for a quick bite between campaign events, a puzzled President Joe Biden repeatedly slammed his hand into the front of a glass display case while attempting to grab a pastry, sources confirmed Wednesday. Well, that looks just too darn good to pass up-ouch, what the heck?" said the...Read more...
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on (#6DRDH)
NEW YORK-Hailing recent milestones as a new golden age of medicine, experts confirmed this week that healthcare breakthroughs over the past decade provide hope that baby boomers might never have to leave their positions of power. Thanks to rapid advancements in gene therapy, machine learning, and precision medicine,...Read more...
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on (#6DRDJ)
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND-Following President Biden's authorization of the use of force early Friday morning, the USA Women's World Cup team was reportedly directed to intervene in the Japan-Sweden match. In what supporters of the action have praised as reasserting America's dominant place on the global stage, the members...Read more...
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on (#6DQXP)
A study that played the sounds of human and other ape babies crying out over a speaker found that crocodiles were drawn to the noises, in particular to the shrieks that sounded the most distressed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DQTG)
DES MOINES, IA-Praising the presidential candidate for nailing a high-profile stop on his campaign tour, witnesses confirmed Thursday that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis had a surprisingly smooth verbal exchange with a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair. Frankly, I know he's struggled with voter interactions in the past, but...Read more...
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on (#6DQTH)
Hunter Biden recently pleaded not guilty to two tax evasion charges in the latest scandal for the embattled son of the president. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Hunter Biden scandalRead more...
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on (#6DQTJ)
BURBANK, CA-Moderating from his earlier position, a softer Bob Iger told reporters Thursday that he now hopes striking creatives die painlessly. After a lot of soul searching, I've come around to idea that striking writers and actors shouldn't be in agony when they finally succumb to death," said the Disney CEO,...Read more...
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on (#6DQXQ)
SAN FRANCISCO-Addressing her continued health problems, a spokesman for Dianne Feinstein confirmed Thursday that the California Democrat was recovering nicely after the gurney she was on plunged down a flight of stairs and launched her into a wall just as she was about to be discharged from the hospital. Not to...Read more...
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on (#6DQDF)
WASHINGTON-Coming under fire for its unethical use of African Americans as test subjects, the U.S. government has faced criticism after revelations emerged this week regarding its decades-long Whoopee Cushion Project, which tested new pranks on Black people. Beginning in the 1930s, federal authorities sanctioned a...Read more...
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on (#6DQDG)
WASHINGTON-In his latest attempt to fulfill his campaign promise of relieving the nearly $1.8 trillion burden on U.S. citizens, President Joe Biden officially wished away student loan debt Thursday by blowing on a dandelion. Today I closed my eyes, wished for the forgiveness of all tuition-related debt for single...Read more...
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on (#6DQDH)
Video conferencing software company Zoom has announced a return to in-person work, requiring employees to be in the office at least two days a week. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DQDK)
SCOTTS VALLEY, CA-Relying on his training in the heat of the moment, local police officer Victor Gerard reportedly played dead Thursday to get out of confronting an active school shooter. You all go ahead-I'm dying," Gerard said when he was selected to be part of a small team of armed cops that would enter the...Read more...
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on (#6DQAP)
Following Donald Trump's indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president to discuss his political principles.Read more...
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on (#6DPSY)
A driver in Pennsylvania crashed their car into the second floor of a house, with photos from the scene showing the side of the vehicle lodged into the home with its back wheels dangling off the roof. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DPPC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Nervously pacing the office after the Asian leader finally responded to their repeated provocations, Pentagon officials were reportedly panicking Wednesday after Chinese president Xi Jinping showed up to fight them in the parking lot. Oh shit, oh shit-Jinping's out there, and he looks super pissed,"...Read more...
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on (#6DP8S)
PORTLAND, OR-In a sudden interjection amidst a casual exchange about an unrelated topic, local white liberal Kyle Newmar remarked, Queer, Black, POC," as a random non sequitur in the middle of a conversation. Intersectionality...systemic racism...oh, and Latinx, also," said the 32-year-old self-described progressive,...Read more...
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