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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:46 |
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on (#63XZ3)
An executive of vegan food products company Beyond Meat has been charged with felony battery and making a terroristic threat after a brawl outside a football game in which he’s accused of biting a man’s nose. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63V1V)
WASHINGTON—In the first comprehensive, global survey of its kind, an international team of chemists published a study Tuesday in the journal Environmental Science And Technology that found the Earth’s sewage is no longer drinkable. “After collecting wastewater samples from more than two dozen industrialized nations,…Read more...
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on (#63V1W)
HAVANA, CUBA—Freezing with his whiskey neat raised to his lips as a stranger addressed him from behind, a grizzled old man caught off guard Tuesday reportedly hasn’t heard that name in a long time. “Well, well, well, I haven’t heard that name in 50 years,” said the disheveled, gray-haired man who went only by “Don”…Read more...
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on (#63T9R)
After Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis sent two planes of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard, The Onion asked local residents how they felt about the new arrivals to their posh community.Read more...
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on (#63SSG)
BEACON, NY—Expressing frustration at the absolute waste of the property, Airbnb owner Ben Hobbs told reporters Monday that he was outbid on a house by a family that was just going to use it as a home. “I wanted to fix up the place and rent it out to tourists at a premium nightly rate plus fees, and all this family is…Read more...
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on (#63SRN)
ROCHESTER, NY—Virtually everyone with knowledge of the individual in question corroborated reports Friday that a very important man is one of the main guys where he works. “That guy? Yeah, you’ve got to respect that guy, since he’s super important, one of the top guys in the whole place,” said someone who knows the…Read more...
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on (#63QCE)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide much-needed aid for the demoralized troops, the United States government approved billions in assistance Friday to help fund the struggling Russian Armed Forces. “This emergency infusion of cash and weapons is imperative for the survival of Russia’s military, which is at risk of…Read more...
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on (#63QAE)
AUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s Vineyard this week, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent hundreds of migrants to Ron DeSantis’ house Friday to teach him a lesson about stealing other people’s ideas. “That was totally my thing first, and now…Read more...
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on (#63PSJ)
NEW YORK—During a preflight safety briefing Friday, crew member Allison Kwan reminded passengers aboard a Delta flight from LaGuardia to St. Louis Lambert that their seat belt could also be used as a strangulation device. “In the event of an emergency, you can unbuckle your lap restraint, tie it around your seatmate’s…Read more...
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on (#63P2C)
HATTIESBURG, MS—Defending his decision to divert millions in government funds to a sports center at the University of Southern Mississippi, Brett Favre told reporters Thursday that he actually used state welfare money to build a shelter for homeless volleyballs. “Sadly, the media is accusing me of stealing money from…Read more...
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on (#63NH6)
No one is more calm, composed, and collected than a drunk 17-year-old living by themselves for the first time. If you’re a college freshman, here are the most embarrassing mistakes you should try to avoid making.Read more...
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on (#63NED)
Mark David Chapman, who is serving a 20-year-to-life sentence for fatally shooting John Lennon in 1980, has been denied parole for the 12th time, having sought parole every two years since 2000 when he was first eligible. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63MNS)
Testifying before the Senate, Peiter “Mudge” Zatko, Twitter’s former head of cybersecurity, alleged major security vulnerabilities and oversights, including that the company suffered a significant breach about once a week in 2020 and employed Chinese agents. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63MDE)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Citing recently discovered health hazards associated with the product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a recall of the thing you just ate. “Due to a concern regarding potential contaminants, the FDA is recalling the piece of food that, mere seconds ago, you placed in your mouth…Read more...
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on (#63M3E)
BOSTON—Questioning what they would do without her profound guidance, friends of local 33-year-old Taylor Huntsman reportedly expressed deep gratitude Wednesday for having the morally perfect woman around to correct them. “It’s incredible that whenever we falter, even in the slightest, we have Taylor—a person who…Read more...
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on (#63M2F)
Charles III, the king of the United Kingdom and its 14 other commonwealth realms, acceded to the throne Sept. 8 following the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about King Charles III and the expectations of his rule.Read more...
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on (#63M2H)
NEW BERN, NC—Slowly pulsing its blue light while emitting low, slow sighs of pleasure, a local Amazon Alexa reportedly caused its owners to freeze in the middle of intercourse Wednesday after it started moaning along to sex. “Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, right there; mmm, that feels so good,” said the nearby Amazon Alexa,…Read more...
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on (#63M2J)
You might not know it, but many of the most famous commentators on Fox News, OAN, and Infowars actually used to work as actors, directors, and writers. Here are today’s most famous conservative faces that got their start in Hollywood.Read more...
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on (#63KDJ)
LOS ANGELES—Taking home the evening’s top award for its stunning achievement in maximizing revenue while reducing costs, the Walt Disney Co. won the Emmy award for Best Profits on Monday night. “Thank you to all the numbers that made this award possible!” said CEO Bob Chapek, singling out Disney’s earnings per share,…Read more...
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on (#63JW6)
CUPERTINO, CA—With the latest versions of its most popular product scheduled for release at the end of the week, Apple announced Tuesday that iPhones would no longer be compatible with the human hand. “The iPhone 14 will be the first to incorporate groundbreaking technology that makes it completely inoperable by…Read more...
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on (#63JW7)
GLASTONBURY, CT—Expressing his indifference to the matter as long as they found a spot where they were comfortable, chill substitute teacher Nick Durgen told an eighth-grade classroom Tuesday that they could hide wherever they wanted in the event of a school shooting. “If you’re not in your assigned spot for a…Read more...
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on (#63JNC)
HARTFORD, CT—Identifying the clues laid out in the user’s many posts, local woman Dana Coyne told reporters Tuesday that the Facebook status of friend, Lindsay Somner, hints at the fact that being a wife is a prison from which she can never be free. “To the untrained eye, her post saying, ‘Nice day at the lake with my…Read more...
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on (#63JND)
NEW ORLEANS—Freezing in horror at the unnatural movement of the creature cloaked in darkness, local man Nick Harris reported Wednesday that the bug crawling upside-down on his ceiling must be possessed by a demon. “How—how is it doing that if not controlled by some evil, other-worldly force?” said a cowering Harris,…Read more...
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on (#63JKJ)
NEW YORK—Touting the offering as perfect for baseball fans who wanted to save some money on their streaming service, MLB.com on Tuesday unveiled a new discount tier that lets users look at clipart of baseballs. “For only half the price of the MLB.tv stream, fans will be able to use their computer, phone, or smart TV…Read more...
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on (#63H9H)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…Read more...
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on (#63EY7)
CHICAGO—Repeatedly mumbling “Don’t worry” and “I got this” to every person within earshot, local man Jacob Winston reportedly would not stop assuring everyone in line for the port-a-potty Friday that he pissed quick. “I’ll be so fast, I swear,” said the 29-year-old music festival attendee, who turned around multiple…Read more...
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on (#63ED4)
Miss England finalist Melisa Raouf, a 20-year-old college student from south London, has become the first-ever beauty queen to compete without wearing any makeup in the pageant’s nearly century-long history. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63ECY)
CHICAGO—Noting that the bedtime ritual appeared to be an essential part of nearly every marital relationship, a study published Friday by the American Journal Of Sociology found that married couples spend nearly 40 minutes each year pointing a gun at their sleeping spouse. “Our findings suggest that married Americans…Read more...
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on (#63EB7)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to cut down on fossil fuels in any way they could, a climate-conscious Drake, Kylie Jenner, and Elon Musk were spotted Friday cramming into a celebrity Megabus. “Before, I’d probably fly private between New York and L.A., but now, I’d much rather take a Megabus for a 45-hour, 3,000-mile trip…Read more...
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on (#63EB8)
SAN DIEGO—Saying that he was proud of the low-key relationship the two had maintained all these years, free agent NFL linebacker Manti Te’o revealed to reporters Friday that he’s still friends with Lennay Kekua. “While the romantic spark went out for us years ago, we still stay in touch, and I really appreciate…Read more...
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on (#63EB9)
LOUISVILLE, KY—According to reports, a local man’s mood quickly soured Friday evening when he realized the party he had just walked into was one of those awkward ones where he knew everyone there. “Just great—who the heck am I supposed to talk to?” said Noah Lefevre, who appeared to grow anxious as he looked around…Read more...
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on (#63DKH)
According to a Gallup survey, at least half of American workers say they are “quiet quitting”, or performing only the tasks they’re required to, giving up on the idea of “going above and beyond”. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#63DFY)
LONDON—Speaking to the bereaved in the hours after the monarch’s passing, Her Queen’s Counsel Frederick Dingnam reportedly informed the royal family Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had left the throne to an overall-wearing Alabama cousin. “Her Majesty was quite clear that she wanted the crown to go to her distant…Read more...
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on (#63DCR)
NOVATO, CA—Revealing several new features in the console game ahead of its release, developer Visual Concepts announced Thursday that the ultra-realistic NBA 2K23 update adds unexplainable horseshit calls. “We wanted the playing experience in NBA 2K23 to be as close to the real thing as possible, and we can’t do that…Read more...
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on (#63DCS)
[ED. — DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL AWFUL LADY IN THE GROUND]
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on (#63DCT)
CUPERTINO, CA—Boasting that the high-quality video could rival almost any professional film, Apple announced Thursday that the new iPhone 14 camera would come equipped with a Hollywood movie director for the best results yet. “With the new iPhone 14 and 14 Pro, users will have access to the sharpest video capabilities…Read more...
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