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on (#6GMD7)
LOS ANGELES-In a new paper published Friday in The Journal Of Razzle Dazzle, researchers at Tinseltown University have presented the results of an in-depth study that found either ya got it or ya don't. Listen here, doll-ya either got it, or ya don't got it, and that's all there is to it," said Jack Stanton, a...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
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on (#6GKKY)
When it comes to dating apps, women are far more likely to find a narcissist, a deadbeat, or an abuser than Mr. Right. The Onion examines the biggest red flag's on men's Tinder profiles.Read more...
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on (#6GKKZ)
American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.Read more...
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on (#6GKM0)
VINTON, IA-Noting that the 17-year-old had sprouted at least three inches in the past six months alone, family sources confirmed Thursday that huge cousin Caleb Perez was the top-ranked recruit for their annual Thanksgiving pickup football game. I know [Uncle] Steve is going to try to lure him over to his team, but I...Read more...
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on (#6GJQC)
WASHINGTON-Shedding light on an experience common among commuters nationwide, a U.S. Department of Transportation study released Wednesday found that most honking drivers were just excited to see shiny cars. Contrary to popular assumptions, our findings suggest that drivers mostly use their horns to express their...Read more...
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on (#6GJQD)
MINNEAPOLIS-Insisting that the caregiver make herself at home, parents Greg and Sarah Meyer reportedly told 17-year-old babysitter Charlotte Kent on Wednesday to help herself to anything she wanted in the medicine cabinet. So you have our numbers, you know that bedtime is 9 p.m., and after Natalie is down, definitely...Read more...
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on (#6GJPM)
KENT, OH-Urging consumers to immediately return every arch-support device it had ever sold, popular foot-care brand Dr. Scholl's recalled all its products this week after announcing the only way to fix flat feet was with eugenics. While we regret the error, it is our responsibility as a company to alert our customers...Read more...
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on (#6GJPN)
Shakira reached a deal Monday with the Spanish government, which accused the pop star of six counts of tax fraud between 2012 and 2014, totaling 14.5 million euros in unpaid income taxes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GJPP)
Amid their constant concern that the feminization of society is causing a decline in male fertility, The Onion asked men's rights activists to explain how they increase their sperm count, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GJMZ)
SLINGER, WI-The nation demanded this week to know what was inside that big silo over there, pointing to the tube-shaped farm structure as they noted that it could be anything, really. Gotta have something in it, right? Like, farm stuff or something?" all 335 million Americans said as they walked toward the silo...Read more...
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on (#6GJN0)
BOSTON-Marveling at the passenger whom they assumed to be a higher-up at the World Health Organization or something, sources confirmed Wednesday that a woman still wearing a mask on the plane must have had inside information about the next pandemic. Wow, to be wearing a mask at this early stage in whatever pandemic...Read more...
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on (#6GJMM)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6GHR6)
EVANSTON, IL-Describing the objects with great affection, local middle school teacher Sasha Morrison told reporters Tuesday that she had formed a strong bond with the things that do standardized tests. These little implements of filling in bubbles are some of the best I've ever had," said Morrison, who was glowing...Read more...
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on (#6GHR7)
WASHINGTON-Deciding it was finally time to call the race in favor of the Republican candidate, a reportedly exhausted President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that he was officially conceding the 2020 election to Donald Trump. My fellow Americans, we fought long and hard for the presidency, but that journey ends here,...Read more...
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on (#6GHR9)
The Crown, a Nexflix series often criticized for being too sympathetic towards the actions of the British royal family, faced renewed backlash for its portrayal of the death of Princess Diana, with the show going so far as to insert the ghosts of Diana and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, soothing and reconciling with their...Read more...
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on (#6GHPK)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6GH94)
WASHINGTON-Describing himself as a failure in conversations with family, friends, and White House staffers, President Biden reportedly spent his birthday Monday depressed over not having accomplishing anything by the age of 81. Ugh, another year come and gone with nothing to show for it," said a despondent Biden,...Read more...
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on (#6GGSW)
AUGUSTA, GA-Realizing he should have introduced them years ago, local man Daniel Pendergast's family was really hitting it off with his secret family, sources confirmed Monday. I just assumed they'd be jealous of each other or mad at me for manipulating all of them for the past decade, but they genuinely seem to be...Read more...
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on (#6GF8N)
Tomorrow, SpaceX will launch its Starship rocket, which is being designed to take NASA astronauts to the moon, in its first attempt at a test flight since an aborted launch in April when a crucial valve froze over, preventing the craft from pressurizing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GF8P)
This beautiful two-bedroom Colonial is the perfect place to raise a family and-whoa there, buddy, nothing to see here. With a spacious backyard and a washer-dryer, you'll feel right at-that door sticks so it's better if we don't even fiddle with it right now. What? No, I don't hear any noises. It's just a door, buddy....Read more...
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on (#6GETM)
According to Bradley Cooper, who co-wrote, directed, produced, and stars in the Netflix film Maestro about composer Leonard Bernstein, he was so nervous about a live recording with the London Symphony Orchestra that he practiced conducting the six minutes and 21 seconds of music used in the scene for six years before...Read more...
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on (#6GETN)
NASSAU, BAHAMAS-Describing the constant barrage of emotional highs as a welcome but exhausting facet of their tour, the vacationing Hartford family confirmed Friday that they were almost getting tired of all the unforgettable memories they had made while aboard a five-night Royal Caribbean Cruise. Obviously, I'm...Read more...
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Exhausted Man Just Going To Roll Over And Pretend He Didn’t See Horse Head In Bed For 5 More Minutes
on (#6GETP)
LOS ANGELES-Mumbling It's way too early for this" under his breath, local man Ron Myers confirmed Friday that he was just going to roll over and pretend he didn't see the horse head in his bed for five more minutes. Nope," said Myers, who took one look at the severed head of the prized racehorse bloodying his...Read more...
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on (#6GETQ)
WASHINGTON-With survey respondents saying any low-tech method of finding a partner was better than looking online, a new study by the Pew Research Center found Friday that most young Americans were eschewing dating apps in favor of government-run breeding camps. I've tried using dating apps before, but honestly, I'd...Read more...
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on (#6GEDQ)
With relations between the two nations strained, President Joe Biden met with Chinese president Xi Jinping Wednesday in San Francisco in an attempt to mend bridges, with Xi stating that the planet is big enough" for both superpowers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GEAX)
LOS ANGELES-In response to the departure of longtime cast member Bobby Berk, producers for the television show Queer Eye told reporters Thursday they were struggling to find a replacement who was both white and gay. It's such a specific requirement-being not only white, but also gay-that we quite frankly don't know...Read more...
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on (#6GEAK)
ELMHURST, IL-Seeing her Aunt Nance's number appear for the third time since Halloween, local niece Liz Kaminsky, 37, reported Thursday that her father's sister had been calling every week leading up to the upcoming holiday to make sure there will be vodka. Hi, hon, just wanted to make sure you're going to have my...Read more...
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on (#6GEAM)
NASHVILLE, TN-In the latest relationship development that fans of the power couple called adorable," sources confirmed Thursday that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's parents were dating. Andrea, Scott, Donna, and Ed are all absolutely smitten with each other," said an insider source, who confirmed that the two pairs...Read more...
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on (#6GE7J)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Noting that despite being old and tattered, the contraceptive was still his good luck charm, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes admitted to reporters Thursday that he wore the same condom every time he had sex. I know it sounds superstitious, but I just can't fuck without it," said the...Read more...
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on (#6GDWS)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-With the standard curriculum of anatomy, biology, risks, and consent continually being challenged by parent groups, sources confirmed Thursday that the only sex education that remains in the United States is pressing one's ear against a shared wall to better hear the noises next door. Listening for...Read more...
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Panicked-Looking Guy Shifting Uncomfortably Outside Occupied Restroom Must Really Have To Masturbate
on (#6GDT5)
SANTA FE, NM-As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public restroom, must really need to masturbate. Wow, from the way he's fidgeting, I...Read more...
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on (#6GDT6)
MEMPHIS, TN-Wiping the tears from his eyes with one hand and using his phone's front-facing camera to take a selfie with the other, local widower Randall Selway was reportedly sobbing at his wife's funeral Thursday while creating a profile on eHarmony. My sweet Judith, she's gone, gone forever!" cried Selway, who...Read more...
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on (#6GCZV)
Can you effectively communicate with the zoomers, or will they mock your pathetic attempt? Take our quiz to learn how well you know Gen Z slang.Read more...
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on (#6GCTZ)
The Marvels, the latest installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, bombed at its opening weekend in the box office, making less than half of what Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania grossed earlier in the year and causing critics to question if MCU's 33 films are finally causing superhero fatigue" in audiences. What...Read more...
on (#6GBXR)
Sen. Joe Manchin, a moderate West Virginia Democrat, announced that he will not run for reelection next year, fueling speculation over whether he plans to mount a third-party White House bid and immediately complicating his party's chances of holding the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GBDP)
LOS ANGELES-Following the conclusion of The Marvels, the latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a post-credits scene teases a much better film that all the actors could've been in if the MCU didn't exist. After the credits rolled, the screen opened on a mature, compelling drama that featured Brie Larson and...Read more...
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on (#6GBD5)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In an effort to showcase his commitment to conservative voters, the Ron DeSantis campaign released a disturbing new ad Monday that revealed the candidate was wearing a rubber diaper to focus on campaigning. As your president, my priority will be you-not whatever's been brewing inside my diaper for the...Read more...
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on (#6GBD6)
The Simpson's co-creator James L. Brooks recently clarified that despite criticism about domestic violence, Homer would not stop choking his son. The Onion asked Americans why Homer should still be able to strangle Bart, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1S)
Following a sexual abuse victim's lawsuit, the video chat platform Omegle, known for the tagline Talk to strangers," has ceased operation after 14 years of randomly pairing users for conversation. The Onion asked Omegle users what they thought about the site shutting down, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GB1V)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the...Read more...
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on (#6GB1W)
CHICAGO-Blasting the writer for clearly abandoning his artistic ideals in pursuit of commercial success, sources confirmed Monday that sellout poet Cullen Quinn Roberts had earned over $150 in 2023 alone. God, this hack is practically rolling in it after having his chapbook Anagram Arpeggio published by a small...Read more...
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on (#6GB1Y)
CHICAGO-Unable to tell the group of acquaintances how he really earns his living, Meta employee Alex Kondell reportedly stated Monday that he works as a guard in a private prison for disabled children. I actually left Meta forever ago-yeah, I'm much happier now, " said Kondell, who, too ashamed to admit he stills...Read more...
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on (#6G9G9)
Three giant pandas departed the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. back to China, an indication of colder ties between the two nations and marking the end of more than 50 years of Chinese pandas being housed at the zoo. What do you think?Read more...