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on (#6GZ4A)
SAN LEANDRO, CA-Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. Well, it was great working with you, kid-that's $5,000 up front, plus $5,000 for a job well done," said the 33-year-old father,...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 21:35 |
on (#6GYMY)
George Santos, who was expelled from Congress last week for misuse of campaign funds, is now available on Cameo, where the self-described former congressional icon'" can be hired for $350 to send a quippy greeting to anyone interested in helping offset his legal fees. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GYH0)
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on (#6GYA6)
Treat the meat lover in your life to a herd of 41 Aberdeen Angus cattle, new this season from Omaha Steaks.Read more...
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on (#6GYA7)
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling herself she deserved this and letting out a long sigh of relief, local mother Theresa Franklin reported Wednesday that she would treat herself to throwing away a few pieces of her kids' art. When the stress gets to be a bit too much, nothing feels better than taking some time to relax, unwind,...Read more...
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on (#6GY7Q)
McDonald's is opening its pilot location of CosMc's, a spinoff restaurant based on a space alien mascot from commercials in the '80s and '90s, in Bollingbrook, IL, where it will offer all-new menu items such as a tomatillo sandwich. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GY7R)
After fatally shooting two men at a Black Lives Matter protest in Kenosha, WI, Kyle Rittenhouse quickly rocketed to fame as a hero within the right-wing media. The Onion asked conservatives why they support the controversial figure, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GY5D)
WASHINGTON-Urging all 8 billion humans on the planet to brace themselves and hold on for dear life, panicking climate scientists warned reporters Wednesday that Earth was about to go off a huge waterfall. Okay, we don't mean to freak anyone out, but right now, the planet and all its inhabitants are floating down a...Read more...
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on (#6GXRD)
A decade after the release of Grand Theft Auto V, Rockstar released a much-anticipated trailer for the next installment of the fan-favorite series this morning. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GXHY)
PALMYRA, SYRIA-In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world's archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient certificate that congratulated them on finding all the stuff. When we translate the Sumerian...Read more...
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on (#6GXCJ)
Just about everybody hooked up at the high school parties Ron Haase threw at his folks' place. Now they're packing up and moving to a retirement community in Charlotte. So why not make love to your wife in the same room in which you awkwardly penetrated that girl from AP Chemistry?Read more...
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on (#6GXCK)
Henry Kissinger: Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?"Read more...
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on (#6GXBW)
The media has been criticized for repeatedly failing to mention children killed in Israeli airstrikes on Gaza. The Onion examines every word used besides children" to describe Palestinians under 18.Read more...
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on (#6GXBX)
NEW YORK-As part of its human resources department's office-wide mental health initiative, local company Bergamo and Associates reportedly offered its employees a wellness seminar Tuesday that taught them how to practice mindful acceptance of their upcoming pay cuts. With the constant demands and distractions of the...Read more...
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on (#6GXBY)
WASHINGTON-Noting that this was exactly the boost the president needed going into the 2024 election, pollsters confirmed Tuesday that Joe Biden's approval rating had skyrocketed after he announced he would take the nation to the circus. As of this morning, President Biden is polling better than ever, and it's all...Read more...
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on (#6GXBZ)
LOUISVILLE, KY-Facing a financial dilemma after breaking his leg, a local horse who didn't have health insurance was reportedly unable to afford being shot in the head, sources confirmed Tuesday. Unfortunately, I don't have the money for basic treatment for my injuries," said Scout, explaining that he used to be on a...Read more...
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on (#6GWS2)
DUBAI-Appearing excited and starstruck to meet a great icon of the environmental movement, attendees at this year's COP28 climate conference took turns Monday posing with the duck from the Dawn commercial. Oh my God, seeing you covered in oil was what inspired me to get into environmental activism in the first...Read more...
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on (#6GWHQ)
Although football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GW9B)
ST. LOUIS-Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. Americans deserve choice, which is why I'm running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow...Read more...
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on (#6GW90)
PRINCETON, NJ-Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is...Read more...
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on (#6GW91)
PHILADELPHIA-Demonstrating that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom, scientists at Drexel University announced Monday that they had successfully taught mice to hate women. After years of steady progress, we have finally been able to prove that mice are capable of being raging misogynists," said lead...Read more...
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on (#6GW92)
Unlimited Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, which the seafood chain hoped would entice customers during the winter months, proved to be too steep a deal after the company reportedly lost $11 million due to the promotion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GTPW)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing this was not the type of job they could simply complete in a day or two, custodians warned leaders in the House of Representatives Friday that it could take months to remove all the cashmere sweaters from former congressman George Santos' office. While we had hoped to have his area cleaned out...Read more...
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on (#6GSRP)
Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State, national security advisor, and lover of carpet bombing innocent civilians, passed away at the age of 100. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about his death, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6GSPV)
Henry Kissinger, the most influential American diplomat of the Cold War era, died Wednesday at the age of 100, leaving behind a polarizing legacy as both a geopolitical mastermind and, according to some, a bit of a grinch.
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on (#6GSER)
PLAINS, GA-As he finished getting ready for his first night out since the passing of his wife Rosalynn earlier this month, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly sprayed a little cologne down the front of his pants Thursday before a big first date. I just might get lucky, so I better make sure she likes the smell...Read more...
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on (#6GS9M)
Live in the work cubicle that you already spend more than half your fucking life in! Surprise, surprise: Several office properties in the area, including yours, are for sale or rent. Take your work home with you by taking your home to work.Read more...
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on (#6GS9N)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-Having surveyed a group that included more than 1,500 factory workers, dishwashers, and house painters, a team of researchers published a new study Thursday that found ashing a cigarette out of a cracked car window on a cold morning remained the best way to start a blue-collar workday. The preferred...Read more...
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on (#6GS9Q)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing how excited they were for the next chapter of their journey, all 22 contestants on the inaugural season of The Golden Bachelor simultaneously confirmed Thursday that they were pregnant. On behalf of the Golden Bachelor contestants, I want to announce that we are all pregnant and so honored to...Read more...
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on (#6GS8G)
MINNEAPOLIS-Following a withdrawal of the product in response to federal concerns about its faulty nature, 25,000 recalled Graco high chairs were reportedly returned to the manufacturer this week with an infant still in the seat. To be clear, we really just wanted the high chairs back for safety reasons-we aren't ...Read more...
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on (#6GS8H)
FLORENCE, WI-Saying the freedom from distractions like internet service and electromagnetic waves had done him a world of a good, local man Tad Deeran told reporters this week that he had really been knocking his manifesto out of the park since moving to a secluded cabin in the woods. Now that I don't have to...Read more...
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on (#6GS4Q)
Some states like California are beginning to teach cursive to elementary school students for the first time in a decade, a move that supporters say will allow future generations to read historical documents, strengthen childrens' fine motor skills, and also help teachers authenticate individual students' work. What do ...Read more...
on (#6GRKE)
Rep. George Santos (R-NY) faces a another motion to expel him from Congress this week following a House Ethics Committee report that found substantial evidence" that he broke federal laws, including deceiving his donors, filing false campaign finance statements, and using campaign funds for personal expenses...Read more...
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on (#6GRFX)
WASHINGTON-Speaking from the Oval Office, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Wednesday, stating, Does anyone else ever feel like they're floating through a dream they can never wake up from?" As your president and commander-in-chief, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes, I don't even feel like a...Read more...
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on (#6GR9C)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a...Read more...
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on (#6GR9D)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6GQQF)
The Merriam-Webster dictionary named the word authentic" as its 2023 word of the year, with the word being among the year's most searched and many contrasting its definition with the rise of AI usage in everyday life. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6GQ7V)
A private legal battle between the members of pop duo Hall & Oates has led to Daryl Hall filing an undisclosed complaint against bandmate John Oates, resulting in a restraining order that will go into effect against Oates on Nov. 30. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6GPQZ)
According to a new survey from Deloitte, shoppers plan to spend an average of $567 between Black Friday and Cyber Monday this year, with 40% reporting that they're hitting the sales to try to get around rising prices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6GMDQ)
PORTLAND, ME-Praising the child for the maturity he had shown in coping with such a difficult life event, sources confirmed Friday that 7-year-old Bryce Sanders seemed to be internalizing and suppressing his emotions about his parents' divorce surprisingly well. Obviously, I was worried Bryce might have a rough...Read more...
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