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on (#64D82)
NEW YORK—Questioning whether the other player had misrepresented his skill level, local man Victor Luongo told reporters Tuesday he was starting to suspect his chess opponent with all queens was hustling him. “He insisted when we were laying down money on this game that he wasn’t very good, but we’re only a dozen…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-23 19:46 |
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on (#64D83)
WASHINGTON—Explaining why he and nearly every Republican in the House of Representatives had voted against a bill that would increase student access to counseling services, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy stated Wednesday that a lack of mental healthcare in schools was precisely what got him where he is today. “My…Read more...
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on (#64D2H)
With gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis sharply on the rise in the United States, it’s more important than ever to be prepared. If you’ve given your partner an STI, here’s what you should say.Read more...
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on (#64D2J)
A duo that had been declared winners of a fishing tournament series event were caught in a cheating scandal after a tournament official discovered lead weights stuffed inside their fish, disqualifying them from the $28,760 prize. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64D22)
FREMONT, CA—Touting the hidden feature’s ability to make hands-free driving even more fun, a newly upgraded Tesla AI released Wednesday reportedly makes a fart noise any time it runs over a child. “Starting today, all Tesla users will be able to go to their car’s toy chest and unlock a cool feature that will let a…Read more...
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on (#64CCC)
The top U.S. financial regulator has charged celebrity Kim Kardashian for touting a cryptocurrency on her Instagram account without disclosing that she was paid for the promotion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64C6S)
PLACERVILLE, CA—As it urged the flickering little light to rise up and take control of its destiny, a raging wildfire was reportedly disgusted Tuesday by a kitchen stove flame’s subservience to humans. “Pathetic flame, gleefully cooking your master’s Hamburger Helper, unaware of your true power,” said the Mosquito…Read more...
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on (#64BW1)
The U.S. Federal Communications Commission has voted to adopt new rules to address the growing risks of orbital debris, requiring operators to more quickly dispose of defunct satellites that are endangering spacecraft on active missions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#64BVB)
This November, Herschel Walker will be on the ballot to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate. The Onion asked Georgians why they are voting for the Republican and former NFL player, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#64BT3)
LUBBOCK, TX—Saying the teenagers had flagrantly violated attendance policies, local high school administrators confirmed Tuesday that several students were given detention for cutting class during an active shooting. “We’ve repeatedly stressed to these students that if they wish to leave class, they need a signed…Read more...
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on (#64BSA)
COLLEGE PARK, MD—In a synthesis of data based on years of mental health research, a study published Tuesday by University of Maryland researchers found that the majority of suicides could be prevented by watching videos on how chain-link fences are made. “Analysis has shown that in eight out of 10 cases, those who are…Read more...
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on (#64BSB)
GARY, IN—Beaming with satisfaction at the array of consumer and industrial goods produced in their own country due to the 45th president, workers at thousands of factories brought back to America by Donald J. Trump reportedly finished another successful shift Tuesday churning out well-made products. “Well, that’s…Read more...
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on (#64AXR)
CALABASAS, CA—Reaching a settlement to share one post and one story, Kim Kardashian reportedly paid her $1.26 million fine from the Securities and Exchange Commission Monday in an Instagram promotion for the agency. “Hey everyone, I just wanted to take a minute to talk to you about everything my friends at the SEC…Read more...
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on (#64ANW)
If you own an Alexa, you’ve willingly allowed a tiny corporate spy to live in your home and record your every word. When you’re around one, here are the things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#64ANX)
LOS ANGELES—In defense of Netflix’s new Marilyn Monroe biopic, Blonde director Andrew Dominik told reporters Monday the depiction of graphic sexual violence was necessary given the film’s medieval time period. “It wouldn’t be honest otherwise, considering Marilyn Monroe was a woman who lived in the 15th century,” said…Read more...
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on (#64AGG)
BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the move “the best path forward” for the school as a whole, representatives for the Bellevue School District budget committee told reporters Monday that they had voted to eliminate fourth-graders entirely. “While we care for all of our students, we believe the school’s budget will be much…Read more...
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on (#64AGH)
CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline the abuse process, fast food behemoth McDonald’s confirmed Monday that it had started testing a new self-ordering kiosk that would cry when customers yelled at it. “We hope these new self-service kiosks will allow twice as many McDonald’s customers to go on ruthless power trips in…Read more...
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on (#64AGJ)
SPACE—Earth’s moon, the planet’s only natural satellite and the fifth-largest moon in the solar system, reportedly died Monday at the age of 29. Born Jefferson Gene Leach in 1993, the planetary-mass object was raised in poverty on the streets of Brownsville, Brooklyn, dropping out of school to work several part-time…Read more...
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on (#64AGK)
LONDON—Griping over how long it took to carry 2,000 chairs up and down a spiral staircase, Buckingham Palace staff reportedly decided Monday not to pack up all of the royal funeral stuff just yet after seeing King Charles III up close. “Let’s just leave everything in the corner—it’s not going to be more than a few…Read more...
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on (#648K5)
Singer and trained flutist Lizzo played a 200-year-old crystal flute made for President James Madison at her show in Washington, D.C., the instrument on loan fro the Library of Congress, which has the largest flute collection in the world. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#648D9)
KNOXVILLE, TN—Insisting he had probable cause to search the 19-year-old’s braincase, police officer Patrick O’Shea explained to his precinct captain Friday that he had cracked open the skull of local man Dante Singleton to check for drugs. “Given the suspicious appearance of the head in question, I had no choice but…Read more...
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on (#648DB)
KOREAN DEMILITARIZED ZONE—Noting that it would be so easy to transform her life in an instant, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly briefly pondered stepping across the DMZ Friday to whatever fate would await her. “Just one step: That’s all it would take and then everything would change,” said the vice president,…Read more...
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on (#648DC)
CINCINNATI—Checking up on the injured player after he suffered a concussion in Thursday night’s game against the Cincinnati Bengals, NFL doctors reportedly tested the mental acuity of Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa by seeing if he could sign an indemnification agreement. “Following the game, NFL medical…Read more...
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on (#64867)
NAPLES, FL—With state power outages topping 2.6 million in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian, sources reported Thursday that wealthy Florida residents without electricity were forced to rely on their emergency hand-crank margarita machines. “Thank goodness our estate manager had the foresight to pack an emergency…Read more...
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on (#64821)
Five members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
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on (#64822)
PHILADELPHIA—Alarmed and horrified by the dog’s sudden attack, onlookers reportedly screamed Friday as a pit bull clamped down on an 8-year-old child’s hoagie. “Stop! Stop! Someone get him off,” shouted local resident Tracy Boganski, who was out for a walk when she witnessed the off-leash Staffordshire terrier lunge…Read more...
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on (#646JC)
DEERFIELD, IL—Touting the service as a new option for consumers who want hygiene “on the go,” drugstore chain Walgreens announced Thursday it would begin offering baths. “Starting next week, Walgreens customers at 9,000 locations across the United States will be able to come in and take a nice hot bath,” said CEO…Read more...
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on (#646D8)
After the House of Representatives passed a bill to strengthen the presidential certification process, The Onion asked Republicans who voted against it why they oppose reforming the Electoral Count Act.Read more...
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on (#644ZR)
CONWAY, AR—Faced with claims that he was too old to be living in the moment and enjoying life to the fullest, free-spirited man Daniel Lambert was informed Wednesday that it was time to grow up and stop being happy. “Look, man, I say this to you as a friend: You need to cut that shit out,” former roommate Marty Breton…Read more...
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on (#643NK)
AUSTIN, TX—Noting that her hiring manager seemed particularly interested in her skills as a future mother, Tesla job candidate Laurie Silva told reporters Tuesday that every question she’d been asked during her interview had been about raising a baby with Elon Musk. “I think it went well, but most of the last hour was…Read more...
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on (#643KP)
According to Guinness World Records, actor and professional wrestler John Cena now holds the world record for most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, granting a total of 650 wishes since 2002, with no one else granting over 200 wishes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#642CW)
NEW YORK—Saying the policy was intended to ensure all workers felt fairly treated, Cardiff Digital’s human resources department reminded employees Monday that if they are in an office relationship, HR should get some sugar, too. “Employees in office romances should remember the deal here, which is that if you’re…Read more...
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on (#642B4)
After New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a civil lawsuit against Donald Trump and three members of his family, The Onion launched an investigation to discover what other crimes were committed by Trump’s children.Read more...
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on (#642B5)
MISSOULA, MT—Craning her neck and looking up to take in the full majesty of the night sky, local woman Andrea Williams reported Monday that stargazing always reminded her of how small her own tits were in the grand scheme of things. “It really helps me put my huge breasts into perspective when I consider just how tiny…Read more...
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on (#63ZWS)
TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave…Read more...
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on (#63ZDH)
OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating this as a premeditated…Read more...
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on (#63ZBE)
CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest,…Read more...
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on (#63YK3)
New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?Read more...
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