WASHINGTON—Staging the protest in response to what they called “a lack of transparency,” House Republicans stormed the National Statuary Hall Thursday, demanding to be allowed inside Elijah Cummings’ casket. “As voting members of Congress, we have an obligation to our constituents to get inside and find out what’s in…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Shutting down a regular monthly delivery that had been in place since the Truman administration, President Donald Trump canceled the White House’s subscription to Highlights magazine Tuesday over what he deemed to be rampant anti-Goofus bias. “Everyone’s getting on his case all the time—Goofus has been…Read more...

PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the hurt he had caused, President Donald Trump apologized Tuesday for describing the House impeachment inquiry as a “lynching,” saying he had been unaware of the term’s association with the 1918 murder of Robert Prager, a German American immigrant killed by an angry mob. “I realize now my…Read more...

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DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Hanging up after yet another 30-minute rant about the Democratic National Committee, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reported Monday that every time White House hopeful Tulsi Gabbard calls him to vent about campaign politics, he feels she’s taking advantage of his friendship. “I like Tulsi, but when…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Erupting in praise after the House Speaker set the image as her Twitter account’s header photo, resistance Democrats cheered Nancy Pelosi online Thursday after a viral moment emerged of her sitting quietly and deferring to a roomful of corporate lobbyists. “You get that bread, bitch!” said Twitter user…Read more...

NEW YORK—Leaping from a bannister on the upper story of a Manhattan luxury hotel, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani reportedly shouted “you’ll never take me alive!” Wednesday before jumping towards a chandelier and immediately falling three stories onto the floor below. “Good luck catching me as I disappear like a…Read more...

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LANCASTER, OH—Admitting that he had been struggling to identify which candidate he preferred, local Trump supporter James Brimhall told reporters Wednesday that he came away from the Democratic debates with a more clear idea of who he wanted to kill. “Early on, I thought it was definitely going to be Biden, but a lot…Read more...

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A government whistleblower who revealed President Trump discussed investigating the family of political rival Joe Biden with the president of Ukraine has put a spotlight on the controversial practice of whistleblowing, which reveals misdeeds not only in government but in businesses and other organizations. The Onion …Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH—Revealing that his heart attack left him worried that he’s spent too much time obsessed with things that do not matter, Bernie Sanders renounced his past call for economic equality during Tuesday night’s debate after his brush with death taught him that money is not everything. “I’ve spent 50 years…Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH—Accepting the offer of soft cashmere blanket and complimentary hot fudge sundae, Tom Steyer upgraded to the luxury section of the Democratic debate Tuesday night, complete with hot towels and beverage service. “We like to make sure our high-end candidates like Mr. Steyer are well taken care of, whether…Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH—Jockeying to have their questions heard over the other anchors and journalists crowded around the table’s microphones, 16 pundits reportedly crowded the CNN moderator desk Tuesday night after qualifying for the fourth democratic debate. “Mr. Sanders, what do you say to concerns about your health…Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH—Immediately freezing as he glanced around the stage at his choice of apparel, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg reportedly muttered, “Oh, goddamnit,” under his breath Tuesday after realizing none of his opponents had dressed up for the debate. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me—I’m the only one…Read more...

WESTERVILLE, OH—In a television interview where he conceded that he had made some significant mistakes, Hunter Biden admitted Tuesday it was poor judgment on his part to be involved with the corrupt Biden family. “Now that I’ve had time to step back and take stock, it’s clear to me that due to the numerous…Read more...

PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,”…Read more...

The initiation of impeachment proceedings by House Democrats has renewed calls for more Republican leaders to publicly stand up to Trump, as well as driven his most vocal supporters to double down, amid what has been a turbulent relationship between Trump and the party he leads. The Onion looks back at the timeline of…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Privately expressing his relief that the situation was better than it could have been, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) reportedly took a moment Wednesday to reflect that at least the Twitter users he was suing for mocking him didn’t know about his leaking, prolapsed anus. “These people were really mean to me when…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Amid backlash for abandoning an ally that has been crucial in the fight against ISIS, President Donald Trump assured the Kurds Wednesday that there will one day be a very nice tree planted in Washington, D.C. commemorating their deaths. “Our Kurdish allies should rest assured that, despite the fact that…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Opting to take more of a wait-and-see approach instead of rushing to pass judgment, Republican lawmakers reportedly looked on in silence Tuesday as President Trump worked his way through each of their families and, one by one, strangled all their loved ones to death. “After I watched the president slowly…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when…Read more...

NEW YORK—Faced with criticism over his role in pushing Ukraine to interfere in the 2020 campaign on behalf of President Trump, former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said Friday that whenever the pressure gets to him, he seeks solace in his fond recollections of the events of Sept. 11, 2001. “Most of the time I have a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the procedure an “absolute necessity” to save her campaign, sources confirmed Thursday that Kamala Harris was rushed into emergency heart surgery immediately after seeing the positive reception Bernie Sanders received. “After seeing a sudden surge in thoughts, prayers, and monetary donations…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Lighting candles at the altar before lowering his head in reverence, President Donald Trump prayed for the lord to guide him in his darkest hour Thursday while kneeling before a portrait of himself. “You, the all-seeing, all-knowing, he who stands above all other beings, in my time of need, please show me…Read more...

EDMONTON, CANADA—Responding to criticism of the Trans Mountain oil pipeline during a visit to Alberta, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Thursday that pumping nearly a million barrels of oil a day through indigenous lands would be a ritual of deep spiritual significance to his people. “These pipes…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that his presence on a phone call where President Donald Trump reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate political rival Joe Biden was completely above board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo clarified Wednesday that anyone in the country can listen in on Trump administration phone…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Strapping the suspect to a chair and demanding to know if “he was the whistleblower, or else,” the Trump boys reportedly spent hours interrogating a White House janitor Wednesday after giving him a serum of all the sodas mixed together. “Well, well, well, Mr. Janitor, good luck keeping secrets from our…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they faced a serious roadblock in their effort to unmask the source of a leaked complaint about the president’s conversations with Ukraine, aides to Donald Trump investigating a whistleblower reported to be a CIA agent were struggling Monday to identify a single person in the agency with…Read more...

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FORT WORTH, TX—Following a CIA officer’s much-applauded decision to disclose evidence that President Trump urged his Ukrainian counterpart to interfere in the 2020 election, former intelligence analysts Chelsea Manning and Reality Winner expressed confidence Thursday that the nation’s newfound appreciation for…Read more...

NOVATO, CA—While following coverage of an unnamed government employee bringing forth a complaint that President Donald Trump had asked Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Resistance Democrat Kathy Gillford was reportedly racking her brain Thursday to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Seeking to exculpate the president from alleged wrongdoing, the White House released a lightly edited memorandum of the U.S. Constitution Wednesday that specifically declares Trump’s innocence. “[The President of the United States of America] shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years, and,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Collapsing from the extreme exertion required to announce an impeachment inquiry into the president, a weak and exhausted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly given a saline drip Tuesday night following an hours-long stretch during which she stood firm in her convictions. “She’s obviously not used to…Read more...

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