EL PASO, TX—Worrying over whether he had ever engaged in any activity that might hurt his father’s candidacy, Henry O’Rourke, the 8-year-old son of White House hopeful Beto O’Rourke, expressed concern Tuesday that President Trump might instruct Ukraine to investigate him next. “What if those Ukrainian guys find out…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Describing his behavior as deeply inappropriate, Democratic leaders roundly criticized President Donald Trump Tuesday for attacking climate activist Greta Thunberg instead of just offering her praise and then subsequently ignoring her. “Yet again, we have seen the cruel and vindictive nature of a president…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to hold those responsible to full account, congressional Democrats issued a resolution Monday condemning Ukraine for its role in making it harder to avoid impeaching President Trump. “It’s completely unacceptable for Ukraine’s leaders to engage in these potentially criminal talks that have…Read more...

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is…Read more...

OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded to criticism Thursday with a new campaign ad in which the slogan “Triggered?” appears on screen as he dabs his face with burnt cork. “Oh,…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining how human error or inaccuracy of the weaponry should eventually produce the desired result, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly ordered the military Thursday to increase bombing in Afghanistan after figuring that they’ll miss and hit Iran at some point. “I am ordering a sustained bombing…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Addressing the recent attacks on Saudi Arabia that took out more than half that nation’s oil production capacity, President Trump told reporters Tuesday the precision-targeted bombings were a major act of aggression by Iran or some country like that. “The primary actor behind the strike on our Saudi allies…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—Following the former Trump administration national security advisor receiving several warnings to tone down the use of violent rhetoric against other residents, John Bolton was reportedly asked Monday to leave a condo board meeting after repeatedly advocating bombing the Isaacsons. “Mr. Bolton, we must…Read more...

Read more...

The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.Read more...

HOUSTON—Saying it was time someone finally took a stand for struggling, Spanish-language networks, moderator Jorge Ramos paused the democratic debate Thursday to ask candidates how they would help media companies with $7.5 billion of debt. “No one—not one of you—has told the American people how you would save…Read more...

Read more...

HOUSTON—Startling the 10 candidates who qualified to participate in the event, Marianne Williamson materialized on the debate stage in a puff of purple smoke Thursday, proclaiming the Democratic National Committee’s polling requirements were no match for the power of positive thinking. “The DNC thinks I need to get at…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Seeking to mollify a segment of their base clamoring for inquiries into the president’s misconduct, House Democrats announced Tuesday that they would be holding the administration accountable by voting on an agricultural bill in which the first letter of every line spells out “Impeach Trump.” “We believe…Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—Announcing her intent to run as a Democrat for New Mexico’s 3rd Congressional District, former CIA agent and author Valerie Plame released a campaign video Monday in which she is shown using the skills she learned as a spy to torture voters. “Hi, my name is Valerie Plame, and I want to put my specialized…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to critics who have again accused President Trump of enriching himself from government business, White House officials defended Monday their boss’s decision to make astronauts spend their nights at his golf club in Doonbeg, Ireland, while they conduct a mission in space. “To be clear, Trump…Read more...

Read more...

BUTTE, MT—In a glitzy venue filled with the biggest names in the wildlife community, the nation’s bison hosted an opulent gala fundraiser Friday in an effort to convince the 2020 Democratic candidates to support the environment. “This is a great opportunity for us to get a lot of face time with the presidential…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—After reviewing responses to her post, Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson deleted a tweet Wednesday that suggested people use their minds to turn Hurricane Dorian away from land, and later told reporters the nation was not yet ready to harness such awesome powers. “I wholeheartedly…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—As concerns mount over the viability of the gaffe-prone candidate, sources confirmed Wednesday that the campaign of former Vice President Joe Biden is increasingly worried following an incident in which the Democratic front-runner reportedly gave an unsolicited back rub to a coat rack. “He gave the rack…Read more...

With seemingly every new poll showing changes in the Democratic race and competitive polling between leading Democratic challengers and President Trump, every campaign is searching for ways to improve its polling numbers. The Onion breaks down what each candidate can do to get their numbers up.Read more...

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Touting their excitement over the rare opportunity to offer a motor vehicle developed with the signature sense of style of a former leader of the free world, Fiat Chrysler Automobiles of North America announced Tuesday that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a multimillion-dollar six-truck contract…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Following an uncomfortable flub on the campaign trail, political experts warned Tuesday that Joe Biden’s latest gaffe of repeatedly shouting “Help! Who am I? Where am I? Who are you people?” during a recent rally in Iowa risked embarrassing the candidate during his presidential run. “Biden is still the…Read more...

EMPORIA, KS—Unveiling the new nationwide messaging strategy after six months of planning and research, the Democratic Party launched its “Listen Up, Hayseeds” campaign Monday to win over rural voters. “Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Placing his own body between the head of state and a mortal threat without a single thought or moment’s hesitation, Secret Service agent Dan McGuire took a bull intended for President Donald Trump Thursday as they crossed the White House lawn. “I remember seeing suspicious movement out of the corner of my…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Describing the former hedge fund manager as the most popular candidate across every single demographic group, a poll released Wednesday by the recently formed Steyer Institute for Political Research concluded that 95% of registered Democrats support Tom Steyer for president. “After conducting an objective and…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of kerosene-soaked Republicans from lighting themselves ablaze atop David Koch’s body. “I don’t want to keep living in a world without David…Read more...

SMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President Donald Trump begged a packed campaign rally Thursday to tell him he was beautiful. “America, as your leader, I need you to look me in the eye and let me know there’s no one in this country prettier than…Read more...

SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the…Read more...

GOLDEN, CO—Explaining that he was refocusing his struggling campaign on an office where he could do the most help, former presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Thursday that he was dropping out of the Colorado Senate race to run for Jefferson County commissioner. “Standing here today, I vow that I’m not…Read more...

SPRINGDALE, AR—Emphasizing that 10-minute loop of shrieking, grinding, and splattering sounds was totally unauthorized, Tyson Foods sent a cease-and-desist to President Donald Trump Wednesday for using slaughterhouse recordings as a pump-up anthem at his rallies. “Unfortunately, President Trump never asked nor…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a strongly worded show of support for her husband, former second lady Jill Biden urged voters Tuesday to ignore which Democratic candidates are mentally sharp enough to finish complete sentences in favor of doing what is best for the Democratic Party. “This is a critical time for our country, and to beat…Read more...

Read more...

MIRAMAR, FL—Gazing intently at the elaborate grid of Democratic presidential candidates adorning his basement wall, Wayne Messam reportedly murmured, “And then there were twenty-three,” Friday after drawing a line through a photo of his rival John Hickenlooper. “Another foe vanquished, and another step taken toward…Read more...

As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.Read more...

CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a prime sample of their locally produced meth. “Wow, the proud people of Iowa really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a…Read more...

SALEM, MA—Periodically turning up the volume to make sure he didn’t miss the commercial spot, Democratic presidential candidate Seth Moulton was reportedly spending the afternoon next to his radio Monday hoping to hear his campaign ad. “It’s just cool to think that I have a presidential campaign ad that’s actually…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the Trump boys attempted to counter Chinese currency manipulation Friday by adding extra zeros to $20 bills. “Our dad is doing a big money war with China, so we took our allowance and turned it into two…Read more...

Read more...