The Onion

WASHINGTON-Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company's founders, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday adding his face to the Pep Boys logo. After all my tremendous work on behalf of American car owners, many have said that I should have my image up there with [...]The post Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Scoffing at the idea that the players would be able to properly honor their victory anywhere else, the owner of local tilestoreAll Stone and Tile was reportedly offended Tuesday that theLittleLeague baseball team he sponsored had celebrated its win at apizza place instead. So I guess we spent several hours setting aside all thesetileswe [...]The post Tile Store Offended By Sponsored Little League Team Celebrating Win At Pizza Place Instead appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed," said Sears, who explained [...]The post Insecure Woman Doesn't Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State appeared first on The Onion.

CANYON LAKE, TX-Remarking that the 3-year-old didn't even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. Sure, she did her job, but she utterly failed to delight us with any adorable toddling, spinning, or [...]The post Completely Charmless Flower Girl Walks Directly Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave a negative review. It takes a lot of nerve to complain about slow service after [...]The post ICE Has Gall To Leave Raided Restaurant Negative Review appeared first on The Onion.

New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what's next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you've gotten older? Lorde: When I was younger I was really intimidated by the black keys on the piano, but now I [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lorde appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump's budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in The One Big Beautiful Bill Act." Funding for something called The Facility." Smaller, phone booth-sized detention boxes on every American street corner. Coupon for buy two get one free" 12-packs of [...]The post What's In Trump's Big Beautiful Bill appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Emphasizing the constraints of God's healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown [...]The post Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Revealing new details about the highly anticipated film, actor and producer Jared Leto teased Wednesday that the villain in Tron: Ares would be a teenage girl who lies for attention. If you thought Clu was scary in the last film, just wait until you meet Kaylee," said Leto, who shared that the antagonist would [...]The post Jared Leto Teases Tron: Ares' Villain Will Be Teen Girl Who Lies For Attention appeared first on The Onion.

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SILVER SPRING, MD-Issuing a public warning for Americans to watch or they might miss out, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly recalled three navel oranges Wednesday to prove that they could juggle. Toss 'em here," said spokesperson John Lavietes, adding that American consumers who had recently purchased navel, Valencia, or blood oranges should not [...]The post FDA Recalls 3 Oranges To Prove They Can Juggle appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American's plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, [...]The post Report: Average American's Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling it a historic moment" in women's basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark," said WNBA commissioner Cathy [...]The post WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Reminding you that the views expressed in the show serve as a reflection of your own depravity, a disclaimer that aired Tuesday at the beginning of TLC's 1000-Lb Sisters stated that something is very wrong with you for watching this. WARNING: The following episode speaks to the deeply and irrevocably messed up part of your [...]The post 1000-Lb Sisters' Episode Begins With Disclaimer That Something Wrong With You For Watching appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that it would be simplest to troubleshoot now during the onboarding process for his company's surveillance technology, Palantir founder Peter Thiel reportedly spent Tuesday morning showing President Donald Trump how to sort a spreadsheet of Americans by ethnicity. So what's neat is that you can just do command-shift-E and rank every single resident from [...]The post Peter Thiel Shows Trump How To Sort Spreadsheet Of Americans By Ethnicity appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON-Receiving the warning shortly after first-round matches got underway at Wimbledon, tennis player Daniil Medvedev was issued a code violation Monday for an un-British display of emotion.Code violation, Medvedev, for verbally expressing frustration," said chair umpire Oliver Gladwin-Taylor, reminding both players that they must keep things stoic" after Medvedev audibly sighed and slightly shook his [...]The post Wimbledon Player Issued Violation For Un-British Display Of Emotion appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone's a damn critic these days. It is this court's opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views-even when no one asks," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI-Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of [...]The post Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. Mom, Dad, this is it-I quit," said Ma, who exhaled and then winced as his parents immediately reacted to the consequential words by simultaneously exclaiming But you [...]The post Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on ice.The state-of-the-art ice courts at the Tennis Club de Geneve will allow for more strategic play as athletes try to avoid slipping and falling while serving, returning, or even just [...]The post Geneva Open Introduces Ice Courts appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging in popularity thanks to Apple's new film F1. F1 has really pushed driving into the forefront of culture, and now it's having a moment," said report co-author Jared Eash, who [...]The post Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To F1' Film appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL-Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. It's just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid," [...]The post Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

GETTYSBURG, PA-Following a fourth chorus of Kingdom Coming," fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary Music Hour!" said Frank Mercer, 54, who portrayed Gen. George Meade and had already told [...]The post Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there's simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than [...]The post RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight appeared first on The Onion.

EAU CLAIRE, WI-Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they'd known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just you wait. Hoo boy, you might think things hurt already, but buckle up, because this [...]The post Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean Diddy" Combs' reportedly tossed jurors Ciroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul's racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. All right, who wants a free towel?" lawyer Marc Agnifilo said as the men and women of the jury immediately clamored [...]The post Diddy Lawyer Tosses Jury Ciroc Swag During Closing Statement appeared first on The Onion.

WOODBINE, NJ-Saying the man's behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmedThursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service [...]The post Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One appeared first on The Onion.