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on (#6K4J5)
CUPERTINO, CA-Touting the product as the smallest virtual reality headset in the world, Apple held a keynote presentation at its headquarters Wednesday to unveil a brand-new product, the Apple Vision Pro Mini. When it comes to spatial computing, the Apple Vision Pro was just the first step, and our latest model fits...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 14:16 |
on (#6K444)
French legislators voted 780-72 in favor of an amendment guaranteeing women's right to abortion access in their Constitution, becoming the first country in the world to do so. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K3KQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-According to a new study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, researchers at the Ohio State University found that people were most confident while unaware that the fly of their pants was undone. We found a tremendously strong correlation between walking into a room with...Read more...
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on (#6K3KR)
THE INFINITE-In a dominant electoral showing that stretched across the unified field of consciousness, author and politician Marianne Williamson successfully primaried President Biden Tuesday in all 63 counties of the Astral Plane, according to cosmic sources. This win is sure to impact Williamson's candidacy-not...Read more...
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on (#6K32X)
IOWA CITY, IA-Revealing that the gut-wrenching" decision had taken months to make, 22-year-old Caitlin Clark announced Monday that she would be leaving the University of Iowa's basketball program for drama club. Although these past four years playing for this team have been amazing, I know in my heart I belong in...Read more...
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on (#6K2R3)
As the world grapples with the horrors of the Israel-Hamas war, many people trying to stay up to date with the situation are finding the media's coverage lacking for myriad reasons, but exactly what accurate reporting on the conflict looks like is difficult to define. The Onion asked Americans what balanced coverage...Read more...
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on (#6K2R4)
During a TV interview, Kellogg's CEO Gary Pilnick stated that those struggling to pay for food should just eat cereal for dinner, sparking outrage about companies profiting from inflation with some even calling for a boycott of Kellogg's products. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K2QF)
ALLENTOWN, PA-Exchanging tales of license suspensions and alcohol highway safety classes, alumni of William Allen High School reportedly spent their 20-year high school reunion last weekend catching up on each other's DUIs. No fucking way-I think we have the same probation officer!" said 38-year-old Caleb Rice, who...Read more...
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on (#6K2QG)
PALM BEACH, FL-Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank's website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score. I can't do it-I just can't do it," said Trump, who admitted that he hadn't paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he...Read more...
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on (#6K2P4)
DENVER-Charging a premium for the highly sought-after amenity, an apartment listing posted Monday reportedly counted the toilet as storage space. Bathroom features extra storage in the tank behind the toilet," the listing read in part, explaining that the toilet was perfect for storing personal hygiene products or...Read more...
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on (#6K18R)
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K167)
CUPERTINO, CA-Stunning fans and investors who had long assumed the company's electric car project was dead, CEO Tim Cook took the stage at an Apple keynote event Friday to announce the Apple Vision Pro has been an autonomous vehicle all along. Not only are plans for an Apple electric vehicle not canceled-it's been on...Read more...
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on (#6K0XE)
ESCONDIDO, CA-Instituting a sustainability policy intended to make the facility more eco-friendly, Sacred Heart Medical Center announced Friday that it was switching to reusable canvas blood bags. We have begun phasing out traditional plastic blood bags and replacing them with an alternative that is made from...Read more...
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on (#6K0TF)
Lured by AI-generated images of an immersive Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow, families across Scotland bought a total of 850 tickets to an event hosted by the House of Illuminati only to arrive at a half-empty warehouse in a shock that left parents outraged, children crying, and police called to the scene. What do yo...Read more...
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on (#6K0TG)
WASHINGTON-Requesting something useless and disposable that wouldn't break the bank, the American populace announced Friday that it just wanted a shitty version that didn't last long for cheap. We definitely would like to have one of those things, but only if it costs almost nothing, breaks immediately, and is...Read more...
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on (#6K097)
WASHINGTON-In what many of his congressional colleagues have described as the most noble act of his storied career, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Thursday that upon his death, he would donate his body to lobbyists for research. By studying this extraordinary specimen capable of such...Read more...
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on (#6K098)
WASHINGTON-Detecting signs of life only after a lengthy period of cutting open the commander-in-chief's bodily cavities and examining the organs inside, White House physician Kevin O'Connor is said to have mistakenly performed an autopsy Thursday for the first 10 minutes of President Joe Biden's annual physical....Read more...
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on (#6K099)
Sen. Mitch McConnell will step down as Republican party leader at the end of this year after 17 years in the position, though he will remain in the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6K062)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6K063)
Since the war in Gaza began, members of the Israeli Defense Forces have uploaded viral videos in which they brag about-and often show themselves- destroying Palestinian homes, universities, and hospitals. The Onion examines the pros and cons of allowing Israeli soldiers to continue posting on TikTok.Read more...
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on (#6JZW6)
In vitro fertilization is believed to have helped couples conceive more than 10 million children since 1978. But a state court's ruling that embryos in a lab have the same rights as children has led Alabama fertility clinics to stop offering the procedure. Take this quiz to see how much you actually know about the...Read more...
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on (#6JZW7)
NESSEBAR, BULGARIA-Lamenting that such an enterprise could never exist in the United States, vacationing sources confirmed Thursday that the foreign zoo they were visiting had a cage where they could box a lion. Wow, for the equivalent of just one American dollar, anyone can apparently enter the cage and spend 30...Read more...
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on (#6JZW8)
NEW YORK-In an effort to cut costs and modernize its core business, department store chain Macy's announced a major restructuring this week, saying it would close 150 of its stores to focus on its Indonesian terrorism division. This isn't about downsizing, but instead about shifting our portfolio to reflect current...Read more...
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on (#6JZW9)
NEW YORK-Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation's sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. Oh yeah, baby, that's exactly the crazy shit that'll ring our cherries," said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation's...Read more...
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on (#6JZWA)
WASHINGTON-In a trend that is reducing the nation's dependence on fossil fuels by curtailing the total number of cars on the road, a study released Thursday by the Transportation Department found that more Americans than ever are commuting to work splattered on the grill of a Ford F-150. Increasingly, U.S....Read more...
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on (#6JZVG)
GAITHERSBURG, MD-Pressing the recently used and dripping wet plunger up to his mouth and nose, local child Caden Liu announced, It's me, Pinocchio," on Thursday. Look, Daddy, look! My nose is long, just like Pinocchio!" said the visibly excited 5-year-old, who reportedly had raw sewage running down his...Read more...
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on (#6JZSV)
Beginning in 2025, Wendy's will begin testing surge pricing, also known as dynamic pricing, a strategy that raises and lowers prices in response to real-time demand, as part of a $20 million investment in digital menu boards throughout the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JZ8K)
According to documents recently obtained by The New York Times, lead-tainted applesauce pouches passed through multiple checkpoints meant to protect the public for weeks before the issue was caught and the product recalled last year, causing more than 400 infants and toddlers to be poisoned. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JYWY)
According to a report from the Pew Research Center, a quarter of 40-year-olds in the U.S. have never been married, making it the first time in history that less than one in 5 Americans have never walked down the aisle. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JYWZ)
It's never been more clear that the shadowy cabal of billionaires that secretly controls the world wants to permanently silence the best president our country has ever had. The following are the most terrifying ways the deep state is trying to destroy Donald J. Trump.Read more...
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on (#6JYX0)
CHICAGO-Noting that he spoke little English and had no interest in helping whatsoever, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Polish man their landlord had sent over simply smashed a hammer through a wall of their apartment and left. While we were hoping Jurek would be able to take care of some much-needed repair...Read more...
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on (#6JYX2)
YEREVAN, ARMENIA-Facing a mountain of backlash following her electoral victory, former first daughter Sasha Obama was accused of nepotism Tuesday after reportedly winning the Armenian presidency. She doesn't meet any of the eligibility requirements-she's only 22 years old, and I highly doubt she has Armenian...Read more...
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on (#6JYWA)
AUBURN HILLS, MI-Attributing the defect to a manufacturing error, pet care company Whisker issued a recall Wednesday on thousands of self-cleaning Litter-Robots that had accidentally transported customers' cats to the year 1300. We apologize deeply for any distress cat owners might have felt as they watched their...Read more...
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on (#6JYTE)
LAWRENCE, KS-Marveling at their cataleptic classmate as she lay in the middle of the 105-degree room, local yogis speculated Wednesday as to whether a passed-out woman in their hot yoga class had achieved nirvana. Would you look at that-I guess her consciousness must have transcended her corporeal form and released...Read more...
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on (#6JYBV)
Hungary's parliament voted 188 to 6 in favor of allowing Sweden to join NATO, the final hurdle standing in the way of the Scandinavian country becoming the 32nd member of the military alliance, one year after neighboring Finland was admitted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JY60)
OMAHA, NE-In a candid plea addressed to the entire global community, Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert gave an impassioned speech Tuesday in which she announced that her city did not have the community spirit to withstand a terrorist attack. The proud people of Omaha cannot and will not stand strong against terrorism," said...Read more...
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on (#6JY61)
WASHINGTON-Touting the Intuitive Machines moon mission as a success despite some difficulty landing, NASA released a video Wednesday that showed the Odysseus spacecraft crashing through the ceiling of a female alien locker room. Get out of here!" one buxom alien creature said in an incomprehensible language as the...Read more...
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on (#6JXZT)
The former president has relied on a variety of tactics to slow down proceedings in his numerous trials. The Onion examines Donald Trump's best excuses for delaying legal hearings.Read more...
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on (#6JXXH)
Following the actor's high profile cheating scandal on the Bravo reality TV series Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval rocketed to fame as one of America's most hated villains. The Onion sat down with the embattled celebrity to discuss what's next for him, his career, and his extremely tumultuous love life.Read more...
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on (#6JXXJ)
WASHINGTON-Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the hamburger bun is already cut. Oh thank God-that would have been exhausting," said 43-year-old Zachary Bernard, who spoke on behalf of all 335 million...Read more...
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on (#6JXWY)
CLEVELAND-After offering many iterations of the color over its 158 years in business, Sherwin-Williams announced plans Tuesday to phase out all white paint by the end of the month. We've sold a lot of the stuff over the years, but we felt it was time to move on, especially now that so many trendy neutral colors like...Read more...
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on (#6JX2T)
OSLO, NORWAY-Not wanting reports of the happy, healthy lives of its citizens to demoralize people living outside the Scandinavian nation, Norway announced Monday that it would start hiding its standard of living to make other countries feel better about themselves. In an effort to not lord it over the rest of the...Read more...
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