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by The Onion Staff on (#756DP)
Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH: Only light with a wavelength of 630-670 nm has proven clinical efficacy. FACT: It's okay to sneak a few 671 nm wavelengths on cheat days. MYTH: Red light therapy can [...]The post Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-11-08 00:20 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#756DQ)
WASHINGTON-Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday morning as Kash Patel screamed state secrets in her ear. Yeah so we're actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?" said Patel, spilling his Don [...]The post Bottle Girl Nods As Kash Patel Screams State Secrets In Ear appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#756B7)
VATICAN CITY-In a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint Peter's Basilica, hot young priests were soaked in holy water Friday during the Vatican's annual Wet Vestment Contest. All these hunky, muscular clergymen, who are just absolutely drenched in Holy Water and showing everything through those [...]The post Hot Young Priests Soaked In Holy Water During Vatican's Annual Wet Vestment Contest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#756B8)
A newly passed law will prohibit the sale of tobacco products to U.K. residents who are under 18 and anyone born in the future, raising the minimum age of purchase by one year every year going forward. What do you think?The post U.K. Passes Lifetime Smoking Ban For People Born After 2008 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#756B9)
The post Steve Jobs' Fist Bursts Through Grave Clutching Crude Drawing Of Something Called The Octomac' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#756BA)
The post 7 Days,' Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7562Y)
The post RFK Jr. Spins Brain On Finger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#755H8)
SAN JOSE, CA-With his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. So you're telling me you just walked into the living room and the TV shattered all on its own?" said the [...]The post Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7556A)
ST. LOUIS-Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. We observed that, as opposed to their predecessors, young adults today seldom venture out to their local mead hall and [...]The post Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75569)
WASHINGTON-Bowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arby's menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nation's meat lovers. French Dip Royale, Classic Beef 'N Cheddar, Double Beef 'N Cheddar, Half Pound Beef 'N Cheddar-that's from the Arby's slow roasted beef [...]The post Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arby's Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75568)
Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trump's tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Here's what you need to know about tariff refunds. Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against Trump's tariffs? A: The cult of personality surrounding 1913 Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan. Q: [...]The post What To Know About Tariff Refunds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754M0)
LGBTQ dating app Grindr will host its first-ever White House Correspondents dinner party on Friday night before the event. What do you think?The post Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754HW)
A humanoid robot in Beijing finished a half marathon in 50 minutes and 26 seconds, about almost seven minutes faster than the human world record. What do you think?The post Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754C1)
COEUR D'ALENE, ID-Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. Shit, shit, shit-there's no way I can go outside looking like this," said a hungover Hanlon, groaning as he stumbled into his closet [...]The post Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754C0)
BURBANK, CA-Hinting at an exciting new phase for the beloved franchise, the Walt Disney Co. released a statement Friday promising Star Wars fans a new era of blind stabs at what they seemed to like before. Fans of the rich world George Lucas created can expect a consistent output of wildly varying guesses at what [...]The post Disney Promises Star Wars' Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754BZ)
The post Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754BY)
Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in fact- almost indifferently, as though he couldn't care less.The post Nicholas Geary appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#754BX)
WASHINGTON-Alleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. When I was a kid, a lot more people and animals got hurt, but not anymore-total disgrace!" [...]The post Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753SP)
The post Fractures Emerge Between GOP's Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753KC)
The post Apple Backs Up Tim Cook's Memories To Port Over Into Next CEO appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753GB)
WASHINGTON-Denouncing what they called a sickening" misrepresentation of the facts, critics of a new Michael Jackson biopic argued Monday that the movie brazenly depicted Neverland Ranch with way cooler rides than it actually had. Michael is a shameless whitewashing of ride options that frankly were no better than what you'd encounter at a ramshackle roadside [...]The post Michael' Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It Actually Had appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DK)
CARMI, IL-Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it could just be a soybean and have that be enough. I don't want to be a sauce, I don't want to be an oil, I don't want to be tofu [...]The post Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DJ)
WASHINGTON-Saying the opportunity to masterfully execute a difficult parking job was never far from their minds, the nation's dads confirmed Tuesday a deep yearning for the chance to back a large vehicle into a tight spot. Oh yeah, I could definitely fit a van back there," said Maryland father George Packard, echoing the sentiments of [...]The post Nation's Dads Yearn For Chance To Back Large Vehicle Into Tight Spot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#753DH)
The post UFC Broadcasters Look Like It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752WC)
Cicadas referred to as stragglers" because they emerge off-cycle may appear this year despite their broods not being expected to emerge, with scientists unsure how they lose track of time. What do you think?The post Straggler Cicadas To Appear appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PT)
Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a [...]The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PV)
A Florida doctor was charged with second-degree manslaughter after accidentally removing a patient's liver instead of his spleen. What do you think?The post Surgeon Charged After Removing Wrong Organ appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752PW)
LOS ANGELES-Teasing an exciting new direction for the series, Beef showrunner Lee Sung Jin revealed Monday that the third season of his hit Netflix drama would focus on an escalating feud between a cartoon mouse and a cartoon cat. I'm still ironing out the details, but I can tell you now that the conflict will [...]The post Beef' Creator Reveals Season 3 Will Focus On Escalating Feud Between Cartoon Mouse, Cat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752HA)
ST. LOUIS-Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to understand just how bad he is at it. I picked up the guitar last year, and after endless hours of private lessons [...]The post Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H9)
The post Uber Driver Casually Mentions This His First Time Driving appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H8)
NEW YORK-Following a scene in which numerous high-profile attendees were observed violently clawing at their own skin, officials at Madison Square Garden acknowledged Wednesday that a severe bedbug outbreak was spread throughout Knicks' celebrity row by actor Michael Rapaport during the evening's game.Witnesses reported that Rapaport arrived visibly disheveled, repeatedly raking his fingernails across clusters [...]The post Michael Rapaport Gives Knicks' Celebrity Row Bedbugs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#752H7)
Lena Dunham recently released a polarizing new memoir in which she reflects on her rise to fame, past relationships, and the success of Girls. The Onion sat down with the writer to discuss some of the experiences detailed in Famesick. The Onion: What's your new book about?Dunham: I decided to step outside my comfort zone [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lena Dunham appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7518K)
INDIO, CA-Generating mixed reactions from festivalgoers during her headline performance at Coachella, pop star Sabrina Carpenter reportedly turned her body fully inside out Friday in a horrific new position for her song Juno." Have you ever tried this one?" the singer said in an uncharacteristically cold, distorted voice, lowering herself to the stage and contorting [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside Out In Horrific New Juno' Position appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75120)
WASHINGTON-In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their vehicles yesterday. Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the [...]The post Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75121)
Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts. Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like. Tell your stylist what you want and, more importantly, what you're willing to do to their family if you don't get it. [...]The post Tips For Getting Better Haircuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75122)
LOS ANGELES-Accusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls. It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of [...]The post Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of Girls' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZC)
TMZ, the tabloid news organization known for sensationalized celebrity gossip, has opened a Washington bureau and turned its sights on politicians. What do you think?The post TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZD)
The post Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZE)
INDIO, CA-Expressing shock and disappointment at the conduct of so-called music fans, representatives for concert promoter Goldenvoice announced Friday that Coachella's second weekend had been canceled after drugs were found on the grounds of the festival. After discovering what we believe to be illegal substances within the bounds of Empire Polo Club, we have made [...]The post Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750ZF)
In an announcement that caused its stock to rally almost 600%, Allbirds said it would stop making its well-known minimalist, sustainable shoes and become an AI infrastructure company. What do you think?The post Allbirds Pivots To AI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T4)
LOS ANGELES-Seeking to clear up any ambiguity once and for all, four-time NBA Most Valuable Player LeBron James indicated to reporters Friday which of his Los Angeles Lakers teammates are and are not, in fact, his children. Bronny James is the only blood relative I have on the team, and a helpful way to remember [...]The post LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T3)
THOMASVILLE, GA-Paralyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his shirts was worthy of the single wooden hanger he owns.I mean...it should probably be something with a collar, right?" said Corrigan, quietly holding up a nice $60 button-up he got on [...]The post Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T2)
The post All Marlins Walk-Up Songs Royalty-Free appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T1)
The post What Are We Protesting? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750T0)
Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husband's bribe.The post Zoe Peters appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#750BB)
The post Sure, Nation Won't Say No To Another Reason To Hate Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7508W)
The post Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75067)
The post White House Doctor: The President Has Very Strong Nipples' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7502Q)
After leaving fans waiting for more than four years, Euphoria is back for its third and final season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the HBO drama. Q: Which members of the cast are returning? A: Willingly, none of them. Q: How many episodes will there be? A: This season will make [...]The post What To Know About Euphoria' Season 3 appeared first on The Onion.
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