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by The Onion Staff on (#73EFA)
President Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE's highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan's background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids [...]The post Political Profile: Tom Homan appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-08-09 15:04 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#73EF9)
The post Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E5F)
The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4B)
BOISE, ID-Crying out Dios mio!" and Ayudame!" as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar's EoO," millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny's Super Bowl LX halftime performance. Oh, what a crock-load of mierda-que?-que esta pasando?" said local 43-year-old Randy [...]The post Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (Dios Mio!' Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans) appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E4C)
The post Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2V)
The post Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E30)
The post Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Z)
The post Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2Y)
The post Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2X)
The post Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73E2W)
The post Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73D95)
VAL DI FIEMME,ITALY-Calling it a relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling" that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women's 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along thesidelines. Ayyy, bella, how 'bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh?" said one of the hundreds of local men stationed [...]The post Women's Cross-Country Skiing MarredByCatcalling Italian MenOnSidelines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZN)
WASHINGTON-Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend's Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. I can put up with pandering to international markets when it's some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of [...]The post Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZP)
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant's treatment of white employees. What do you think?The post Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CZQ)
WASHINGTON-Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you [...]The post TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXR)
The post Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CXS)
MILAN-Casting a mournful pall over the procession making its way through the foothills and dusty roads of northern Italy, thousands of wailing, black-shawl-clad Italian women were seen following the Olympic torch this week in the run-up to the 2026 Winter Games. The women, wearing dark head coverings and clutching religious icons that bore the image [...]The post Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CVG)
LOS ANGELES-Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. Sometimes I look back and fear I'll never be able to come up with anything that schlocky ever again," said [...]The post Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN8)
Reggaeton and Latin trap artist Bad Bunny is this year's Super Bowl halftime show performer. The Onion sat down with the musician to discuss the upcoming show. The Onion: How did you book the halftime show? Bad Bunny: Roger Goodell is my cousin. What can we expect from this year's halftime show? I've been practicing [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Bad Bunny appeared first on The Onion.
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by Claire Favret on (#73CN7)
ERIE, PA-Saying that every full-grain cowhide motorcycle jacket would help keep a brooding, wayward rebel warm through the cold weather months, a local charity announced Tuesday that it had begun its 10th annual leather coat drive for bad boys in need. According to organizers, donations can be placed in drop boxes outside pool halls, 24-hour [...]The post Community Leather Coat Drive Helps Bad Boys In Need appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN6)
The post South Carolina Law Requires Ten Commandments In All School Lunches appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN5)
NEW YORK-Expressing alarm at their friend's deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn't himself when he was sober. George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn't had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person," said Ralston's friend Joe O'Hara, adding [...]The post Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN4)
GREENVILLE, NC-Calling the contest his most charitable challenge yet," content creator Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, released a new video Monday in which competitors were informed they could keep all the cash they were able to eat. When I say Go,' you rush to the pile of money and start chowing down," said the [...]The post New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73CN2)
God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him.The post Gina Russo and Ben Jackson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C6C)
The Washington Post announced sweeping layoffs amid declining revenue and backlash against the way owner Jeff Bezos has managed the company, with sports coverage, international, metro and the paper's podcast being hit hardest. What do you think?The post Washington Post' Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C44)
WASHINGTON-Pledging to provide her with spectacles, a curled-up tie, and whatever else she needed to do a great job, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be appointingLara Trump as the next Dilbert. My daughter-in-law Lara is just fantastic, so we're gonna make her Dilbert from now on," the president said unprompted to reporters [...]The post Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C45)
WASHINGTON-Saying the millions of documents had restored a pleasure they lost long ago, Americans nationwide said Thursday that the recently released trove of emails connected with disgraced financier and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had reignited their love of reading. I didn't realize how much I missed the simple joy of losing myself in words until these [...]The post Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation's Love Of Reading appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73C14)
WASHINGTON-Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. It's been months since we started, and I still haven't seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling [...]The post Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BYB)
Moltbook, a Reddit-style social network where AI agents communicate exclusively amongst themselves without the need for humans, has taken the tech world by storm, with as many as 1.5 millions bots using the service to chat about the work they're doing and the problems they've solved. What do you think?The post New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTY)
PALO ALTO, CA-Hailing the new product as a game changer" in the development of large language models, Silicon Valley insiders confirmed Tuesday that an AI chatbot that only responds huh" had been valued at $200 billion.The new HmmAI chatbot is like nothing we've seen before, able to answer huh' to text and image-based inputs with [...]The post AI Chatbot That Only Responds Huh' Valued At $200 Billion appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTX)
The post It's My Hand': Muppets Puppeteer On How He Brings Kermit To Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTW)
BATON ROUGE, LA-Revealing that he was prepared to become a martyr for the popular cartoon dog from Australia, local 3-year-old Owen Fulks announced this week that he was more than willing to die for Bluey.It would be the greatest honor to lay down my life for Bluey," said Fulks, pledging his eternal allegiance to the [...]The post 3-Year-Old Willing To Die For Bluey appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTV)
LOS ANGELES-Sparking rumors about the pair's relationship as she stepped out with the new piece of eye-catching jewelry, media personality Kylie Jenner was photographed Friday wearing an amulet that reportedly contained an imprisoned Timothee Chalamet.It's official-Timothee's soul has been sealed inside that glowing pendant around her neck," said an insider source, who hinted that the [...]The post Kylie Jenner Photographed Wearing Amulet Containing Imprisoned Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTT)
Oh! Margo McQueen, 63, died. You knew that, right? Like, eight months ago. There was a memorial. Your father went. Said her sister's really gone off the deep end with the Botox.The post Margo McQueen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTS)
In compliance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act, the Justice Department has released more than 3 million documents related to the late child sex offender's prosecution. The Onion shares the biggest revelations. Jeffrey Epstein signed all his emails The Infamous Pedophile Jeff" Digital cameras always have that nostalgic feel Little Saint James gets kind of [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The Epstein Files appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73BTR)
This three-bedroom home on a tree-lined street has a roof with all the pointy parts you'd hope to have in a roof. No level surface up here! It's all slopes and slants that lead to various points. Reference #64300The post A Roof With All The Points appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B9X)
The Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy's decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook was used as a tool for anti-China political manipulation." What do you think?The post China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B9Y)
The post Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1C)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content,Lord Of The Ringsreader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn't believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. Don't get me wrong-I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thing, but I'm on the third book, and they [...]The post Lord Of The Rings' Reader Can't Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1D)
The post Inhuman Resources appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1E)
PHOENIX-In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. We're excited to finally be able to offer our customers an [...]The post U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73B1F)
RUTHERFORD, NJ-Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age," said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when [...]The post Pet Iguana Assumed He'd Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73AXW)
Look, I get it. I'm a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I'm the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I'm definitely no one's idea of Hercules, it'd be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That's because what I lack in [...]The post What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73AXV)
WASHINGTON-In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ's benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who [...]The post RFK Jr. QuestionsEfficacyOf Skin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73AXT)
CHARLOTTE, NC-Describing the woman's imagined scenario of workplace valor as both cringeworthy" and profoundly sad," office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb's fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb-who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either socially or through her work in her four years [...]The post Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73AXS)
The post Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73A55)
WASHINGTON-Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. The insidious liberal bias in music, movies, literature, and television is just the tip of the iceberg," said Nashville, TN, resident Drew Cardona, one [...]The post Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73A1S)
LOS ANGELES-As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. Wow, yikes, he's really laying into [...]The post Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks Bronny appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#73A1R)
CHICAGO-Saying he couldn't remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had hit the jackpot" when he realized that because his wife [...]The post ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family appeared first on The Onion.
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