The Onion

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year's Best Picture race. Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO's sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: Prepare to be bald, idiot!" Prospects: Slim, but they said [...]The post The Onion's 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother's hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted Do it!" Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind," said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes [...]The post Do It!' Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft appeared first on The Onion.

MONTREAL-Admitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perry's house. Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race [...]The post Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perry's appeared first on The Onion.

James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star. Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh) Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness [...]The post Political Profile: James Talarico appeared first on The Onion.

The post Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action Tangled' Remake appeared first on The Onion.

You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what's right.The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, with McConnell insisting they were at church and Trump maintaining with increasing irritation that they were [...]The post Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are appeared first on The Onion.

The post Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Accusing the actress of a grotesque act that showed profound insensitivity, Kate Hudson found herself under fire Thursday for performing in Wisconsinface for her most recent film,Song Sung Blue.It's so insulting to see someone who's obviously never been anywhere near cheese curds or a Friday night fish fry do this hurtful caricatureof us," said Kenosha [...]The post Kate Hudson Under Fire For Doing Wisconsinface In Song Sung Blue' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Maintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. There's no reason I can't honor the sacrifice of these brave men and women while wearing a headdress [...]The post Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer appeared first on The Onion.

Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. Aperture": I typed hole' into powerthesaurus.com." American Girls": My favorite is Samantha, but Kit is a very close second." What Makes You Beautiful": I hope Kobalt [...]The post Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Glover's casting as the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. At some [...]The post Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper's YouTube channel, opinion columnists forThe New York Timesreportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. It is a tragedy that there is something wrong with us; it is a larger tragedy we have not yet been able to pinpoint what precisely [...]The post NY Times' Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What's Wrong With Them appeared first on The Onion.

NASHUA, NH-Suddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying Deadwood-now that's a great show." What made Bullock such a great character was that he had a fierce temper, but also a strong sense of justice, which [...]The post Deadwood-Now That's A Great Show,' Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Positioning pubic hair as the body's natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. Pubes are the strongest type of hair there is, with tensile strength exceeding that of steel, and they serve as [...]The post RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole appeared first on The Onion.

The post Still Supreme! Iran's New Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei On Faith, Fitness, And Supremely Good Sex After 50 appeared first on The Onion.

Lisa Park, 29, literally died after running into her ex while he was on a date and saying, Don't have too much fun." Like, what the fuck was that?The post Lisa Park appeared first on The Onion.

According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy without any explicit instruction and, more troublingly, outside the bounds of the intended sandbox." What do you think?The post AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self appeared first on The Onion.

NEW BEDFORD, MA-Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. Yes, sir, there's nothing better than hanging out in a plastic bucket and clambering all over a couple [...]The post Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out in front of him, and asking passing drivers, Which way is Iran?" Woman! Tell me if Iran is to [...]The post Which Way Is Iran?' Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn't love about the baby name Rohit." I like where you're going with it for sure, it's just, uh, I was thinking we'd go with something a little [...]The post JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn't Love About Baby Name Rohit' appeared first on The Onion.

Tommy's parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he's inviting the whole class over to open his dad's liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937The post Tommy's Parents Are Out Of Town, Let's Party appeared first on The Onion.

The couple's Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future.The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.

Dozens of former employees accused Danish chef Rene Redzepi, who co-founded Noma, widely regarded as one of the best restaurants in the world, of inflicting physical and psychological violence on the staff for years. What do you think?The post Founder Of Noma Restaurant Faces Abuse Allegations appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners," said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five [...]The post Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go appeared first on The Onion.

FRANKLIN, TN-Insisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend,MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices. I don't care if the prices rise-heck, I prefer them that way," said Leonardi, who crossed her arms in defiance as she lauded gasoline [...]The post MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices appeared first on The Onion.

Ending an important relationship is never easy. It's always going to hurt, whether it was your decision or your partner's. But that doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Sometimes two people just fall out of cahoots. One day you're madly in cahoots. The next you're not. Most of the time, no one's to blame. Falling [...]The post Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots appeared first on The Onion.

Jason McNamarra, 28, did technically swallow that sword.The post Jason McNamarra appeared first on The Onion.

United Airlines announced it will begin removing passengers from flights who refuse to wear headphones when listening to content on their personal devices, claiming that such behavior could lead to a permanent ban. What do you think?The post United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Facing fierce backlash for remarks deemed deeply ignorant by devoted fans, actor Timothee Chalamet came under fire Monday for dismissive comments about traditional Japanese bunraku puppetry. I never want to end up in a position where I'm one of the Ningyzukai manipulating the arms and legs of this puppet that frankly hasn't been relevant [...]The post Timothee Chalamet Under Fire For Dismissive Comments About Traditional Japanese Puppet Theater Form Bunraku' appeared first on The Onion.

New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for millions of Americans. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new SNAP restrictions. Q: Why were new work requirements put in place? A: Barb Klimath of La Crosse, WI, saw someone pay for [...]The post What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published a study Monday revealing that mourning loved ones is a huge waste of time. Contrary to past assumptions, our work suggests grieving a lost family member or friend is really just throwing away precious time on [...]The post Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-Saying strange formatting and grammatical mistakes were a dead giveaway that such messages weren't to be trusted, local IT specialist Mark Tapley warned employees this week not to trust emails he sends after a few drinks. Personal security is my priority here, so I'd advise everyone in the office to disregard any emails they receive [...]The post IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks appeared first on The Onion.

Why risk losing a costly stationary house when this Class C motor home can also transport you away from floods and fires. Reference #023478The post It Wasn't Called The 2008 RV Market Crash,' Was It? appeared first on The Onion.

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem's exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump's immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?The post Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they'll no longer have to pay their son's cell phone bill if he dies at war. You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you'll be smiling [...]The post Trump To Americans: You Won't Have To Pay Your Son's Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War' appeared first on The Onion.

The post Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead appeared first on The Onion.

Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney's Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think?The post DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case appeared first on The Onion.

Voting in local elections is key to democracy. The Onion shares tips for researching candidates on the ballot in your community. First, learn the name of the town or city you live in, and ideally the state as well. Decide exactly how important it is to you that your vote is informed. Ensure your preferred [...]The post Tips For Researching Local Candidates appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Jeopardizing the fate of what could be a landmark federal antitrust trial, U.S. prosecutors were reportedly unable to attend the Live Nation trial Friday after scalpers bought every ticket. Ah, shit, I promised my daughter I was going to prosecute Live Nation for her birthday," said David E. Dahlquist, a lawyer for the U.S. [...]The post Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince's ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's popular line of salad dressings from stores. For decades, British consumers have associated Andrew's smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majesty's Honey Mustard with the highest quality [...]The post Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew's Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide a more hearty, spoonable drinking experience," the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030.For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we're going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and [...]The post EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Having abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the plane's existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a magnificent" neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told reporters that demolishing [...]The post Trump Defends Addition OfBallroom ToAir Force One appeared first on The Onion.

Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical.The post Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz appeared first on The Onion.

The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country's leaders are paying for their crimes against America." The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trump's war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the [...]The post Trump's War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Paralyzed with fear at the unexpected sight of the miniature figurine, Houston Rockets forward Kevin Durant reportedly screamed in terror Tuesday after unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a bobblehead version of himself. Who...who are-what do you want from me?" said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away from the tiny novelty doppelganger as it [...]The post Kevin Durant Terrified After Encountering Bobblehead Of Self appeared first on The Onion.

The post Internship Providing Woman With Hands-On-Shoulders Experience appeared first on The Onion.