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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWD)
ATHENS, GA-Noting that the dead body was far more handsome" than her deceased brother, local woman Danielle Lundy confirmed the casket she purchased this week still had a stock corpse inside. I get that they want to sell caskets, but it feels kind of dishonest to put these perfect dead bodies with their ideal facial [...]The post Casket Still Has Stock Corpse In It appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-11-08 00:20 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWC)
STANFORD, CA-Calling it a pretty slow one" as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that not much evolution happened today.According to our observations over the past 24 hours, the vast majority of species on earth have pretty much just been holding steady and staying the course, [...]The post Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWB)
WATERBURY, CT-Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him to seriously neglect his relationship with alcohol.I thought I had it under control, but then I got promoted, and suddenly I was skipping every happy hour to stay late on [...]The post Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZWA)
NEW YORK-In an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collection's YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the Criterion Closet to rebuild the film library's shelves.Don't tell me you've been using particle board in here," said the 55-year-old woodworker, who frowned, rolled up his sleeves, and began unshelving hundreds [...]The post Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZW9)
Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom's skull if he didn't empty the fucking register.The post Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74ZCT)
Roblox announced the introduction of new age-based accounts for young users that allow for greater parental controls, preventing players under 16 from fully accessing the chat function. What do you think?The post Roblox Introduces Age-Based Accounts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z7S)
Over 1,000 major Hollywood power players such as Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams, Jane Fonda, and Sopranos creator David Chase signed an open letter opposing Paramount's proposed merger with Warner Bros., claiming it will result in fewer opportunities for creators, fewer jobs across the production ecosystem, higher costs, and less choice for audiences." What do you [...]The post Hollywood Stars Pen Open Letter Opposing Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z4Q)
The post Moonshot Their Wad appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1X)
CHICAGO-Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago's sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong.Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having [...]The post Poor Sleep Linked To Gong appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1W)
DULUTH, MN-Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it was a dream come true to have all her children back home, a reunion made possible only by the merciless and punishing economic conditions that have stripped an entire generation of [...]The post Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom's Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1V)
NEW YORK-Calling the move the logical next phase in the league's continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season, it would begin staging several games across various epochs of history.We've seen tremendous growth from bringing the game to destinations like London, Berlin, and Mexico City, and now we're planning on [...]The post NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1T)
Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside the groundskeeper. One stick of firewood allotted on Christmas Day, if you have proven satisfactory. Reference #520739The post Wretches Welcome appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Z1S)
Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse.The post Tanya Brown appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y8A)
The post The Best Books To Motivate And Inspire You appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBQ)
VILLENA, SPAIN-Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. All you need to [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Credits Success To Tennis Being Easiest Game In The World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBR)
As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church's 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74YBS)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place," said agency [...]The post FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5H)
WABASH, IN-Emphasizing that her son's young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited [...]The post 12-Year-Old Accepted Into Worst College Imaginable appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5G)
WASHINGTON-Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military's highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed.These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield," said [...]The post Pentagon Develops Tactical Zoot Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5F)
The post Real Housewives Of Rhode Island' All Holding Gov. Dan McKee In Opening Credits appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5E)
I'm not your average girl. Sure, I wear makeup, jewelry, and dresses, but don't let my feminine exterior fool you: I like to drink beer. I love sports. And I can hang with the boys, even when things get a little rough and rowdy. That's because when I was younger, I had no other choice. [...]The post Growing Up With Brothers, I've Always Gotten Along Better With Guys Who Don't Respect Me appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5D)
The bride and groom's golden retriever served as their ring bearer, which was a real fuck-you to their two young children.The post Peyton Boudouris and Brandon Trusler appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74Y5C)
The post U.S. Fertility Rate Plummets To Pre-Nick Cannon Levels appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74XNW)
A hiker was forced to be airlifted after he was stung by bees over 100 times, with officials claiming the stings left him unable to continue his descent." What do you think?The post Hiker Airlifted After Being Stung By Bees Over 100 Times appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74XKZ)
The post Justin Bieber Performs Coachella Aftershow Lying Face-Down On Massage Table appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74XM0)
WASHINGTON-Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with an unclear adversary Monday by posting an AI video of himself fucking a basketball. The president is clearly enraged at somebody, but the clip provides far too little context to know who exactly is meant to [...]The post Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74XH3)
SAN FRANCISCO-Following reports that a 20-year-old man had been arrested for throwing a Moltov cocktail at Sam Altman's home, the suspect stated Monday that he only initiated the attack because he was following a ChatGPT recipe for risotto.I've been using ChatGPT to help with cooking for a while now, so I didn't think too much [...]The post Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman's Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74XC4)
The post The Noble Prize appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74X8X)
WASHINGTON-In a major new agreement expected to provide the United States with unprecedented market access to the island nation, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had finalized a long-anticipated trade deal with Pedotopia. Despite years of tension between the two leaders, Trump smiled and gave a thumbs-up as he shook hands with Prime Minister [...]The post U.S. Reaches Trade Deal With Pedotopia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74X8W)
SPRINGFIELD, IL-As the landmark bipartisan legislation passed into law Thursday, Illinois became the first state in the union to mandate paid haircut leave while an employee's new bob grows out.Effective immediately, every employer in Illinois will be required to provide two weeks of compensated time off for workers who thought a blunt, chin-length haircut might [...]The post Illinois Becomes First State To Require Haircut Leave While Bob Grows Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74X8V)
This would've been a great place to raise a family, but instead a wealthy couple will collect egregious amounts of passive income from bachelorette parties. Reference #32487The post Never Mind, It's An Airbnb Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74X8Y)
A class of medications called GLP-1s have skyrocketed in popularity recently for their effectiveness in reducing body mass. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding these weight-loss drugs. MYTH: GLP-1s are only prescribed for diabetes. FACT: GLP-1s have many applications, from aiding in addiction recovery to making your stepsister jealous. MYTH: The long-term effects [...]The post GLP-1s: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74X8Z)
Eligible men in the United States will be registered into the military draft pool automatically by December, a measure slipped into last year's annual defense policy bill that will replace the previous self-registration process. What do you think?The post Automatic U.S. Military Draft Registration To Begin By December appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74WX5)
The post Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74WRT)
AUGUSTA, GA-Saluting the illustrious sportscasters for their passionate work over the course of nearly 40 years in the Augusta National Golf Club broadcast booth, CBS officials announced Sunday that longtime commentators Captain Cooter and the Gooch would be retiring upon conclusion of the 2026 Masters Tournament. Today marks the end of an era as we [...]The post CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74W9G)
The post Nation's Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74W7R)
The post Scottie Scheffler's Masters Hopes Fade After He Is Swallowed By Sandworm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT1)
A new study revealed that sharks in the Bahamas tested positive for cocaine, caffeine, painkillers, and other substances, with such contaminants increasingly found in tourism-driven marine environments. What do you think?The post Cocaine, Caffeine Detected In Sharks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT2)
The post Melania Trump: Never Once In My 4,000 Years Have I Been To Epstein Island' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VT3)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. Let me clear: While I have deep ties to a certain affluent individual and secret societies involved in pedophilia, I never once sexually harmed children [...]The post Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VR4)
SAN ANSELMO, CA-Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee's success,Star Warscreator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith Lord on his new Disney+ series. Hey man, I know it's been a while since we talked, but I just wanted to say I saw the news, and I'm really proud [...]The post George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VNX)
NEW YORK-Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge told reporters Friday he still couldn't believe the sunflower seeds in the dugout were free. It's honestly insane-you can just take them. As many as you want. Nobody says a word, [...]The post MLB Rookie Still Can't Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VNY)
More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts. PRO Phone finally gets some alone time Get to give full attention to jumbotron screen Brings back thousands of professional bootlegger jobs Plenty of other ways to make not-invited friend feel excluded Need both hands for Nintendo [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGC)
INDIO, CA-Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly rushed overly lucid 23-year-old Zach Hillman into an emergency psychedelics tent Friday. Thank God for the good Samaritans who alerted us as soon as they noticed him standing up straight and [...]The post Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGB)
WASHINGTON-In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation's women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that it's yours."Our little blessing is due in October," the chorus of approximately 78 million women of reproductive age said in perfect unison, each gently placing a [...]The post Nation's Women: We're Pregnant!' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGA)
Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.The post Gideon Spencer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74VGD)
NEW YORK-BTS appeared Thursday in an unconventionally tense episode of the YouTube series Hot Wings during which host Sean Evans was reportedly forced to beg members of the boy band to stop dancing and just try the damn wings." Boys, please!" said Evans, raising his voice and clapping his hands in a futile effort to [...]The post Hot Ones' Host Begs BTS To Stop Dancing And Try Wings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TZX)
A Caribbean Airlines passenger went into labor while traveling to New York from Jamaica, giving birth as the flight was in its final descent to JFK Airport. What do you think?The post Passenger Gives Birth Mid-Flight appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TXH)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to call attention to a potentially life-threatening hazard, the State Department issued a travel warning Thursday for all women considering taking a vacation with their husbands. While we aren't yet expressly banning women from traveling with their husbands, we're emphatically urging them to use extreme caution if they feel they must take [...]The post State Department Issues Travel Warning For Women Vacationing With Husbands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74TR1)
Following their historic moon flyby, the Artemis II crew will return to Earth on Friday. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the lunar mission. 15 mph Speed limit in moon zone 49 million Fewer streams than a British guy playing League Of Legends 4 Times mission specialist Jeremy Hansen has suggested [...]The post NASA's Artemis II Mission By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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