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by The Onion Staff on (#6W78Q)
WASHINGTON-Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone," said the head of the nation's largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention [...]The post Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 07:33 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75H)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having [...]The post Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75G)
LOS ANGELES-Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure [...]The post Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BE)
CHICAGO-Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found that anti-science attitudes were strongest amongst those who believe turtles have a little apartment inside their shell. Americans who reject or question established scientific consensus are more likely to maintain the wholly unsupported theory that when a [...]The post Report: Anti-Science Attitude Strongest Among Those Who Believe Turtle Has Little Apartment Inside Shell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BD)
TULSA, OK-Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O'Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman's fatal hot air balloon accident. I think it's fine to say something like, Lisa was an adventurous spirit,' but it's [...]The post Funeral Priest Not Sure How Obliquely To Talk About Hot Air Balloon Accident appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BC)
SUNNYVALE, CA-Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the 52-year-old data engineer emptied the contents of her desk drawers, filing cabinet, and mini fridge into the cardboard [...]The post Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BB)
Embattled genetic testing company 23andMe, once valued at $6 billion, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the company having initially rocketed into the mainstream because of its at-home DNA testing kits that gave customers insight into their family histories and genetic profiles. What do you think?The post 23andMe Files For Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BA)
The post Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn't Know appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V6)
Top national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military strikes in Yemen to a group chat in a secure messaging app that included the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, with the National Security Council saying the text chain appears to be authentic." What do you think?The post Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V7)
The post Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V8)
The post I Messed Up At Work Again,' Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V9)
The post Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F4)
SAN FRANCISCO-Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. In an effort to provide better service and keep our industry-leading sex chews affordable, users of our lower-tier medication [...]The post Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F3)
GARLAND, TX-Rambling on about how she had always harbored feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind" for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he would've said Shut up and kiss me!" by now. When I imagined it in my head, [...]The post Woman Losing Steam Professing Love Thought Crush Would've Said Shut Up And Kiss Me' By Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F2)
JUPITER ISLAND, FL-Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.'s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone's ex-wife. I appreciate that my dating a woman who used to be married to Don Jr. may come as a shock to some, but just [...]The post Tiger Woods Claims That In Time He Will Fuck Everyone's Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F1)
HILLSDALE, NY-Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free Max subscription. I thought three was the magic number, but I guess not," said the star [...]The post Walton Goggins Unsure How Many HBO Roles It Will Take To Get Free Max Subscription appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F0)
PROVO, UT-In a crushing blow to the team's hopes of winning the NCAA men's tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic's breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks [...]The post Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W51A)
LOS ANGELES-In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women's March Madness tournament. While we don't yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI [...]The post JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4WX)
The post Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MT)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals. Parents across the country were shamed by angry liberals [...]The post Trump Orders All Children Born Under Biden To Be Renamed After Confederate Generals appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MS)
RALEIGH, NC-Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. I mean, obviously, I believe the journey is more important than the destination, but I'm feeling so indifferent about the prospect of suicide [...]The post Woman Enjoys Process Of Planning Suicide More Than Actual Suicide Itself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MR)
The post Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MQ)
In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many college students. 10,000 BCE: First cave art depicting a young woman throwing a punch at [...]The post History Of Spring Break In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MP)
The post Well Shit, Man Thought He Secured Infant Car Seat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MN)
The post Stuck in the Timiddle With You appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4MM)
A thief who swiped a golden toilet from an English palace was convicted along with an accomplice who helped cash in on the 18-carat work of art insured for more than $6 million. What do you think?The post Jury Convicts Thief Who Stole Golden Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FW)
Israel remains in the top 10 list of happiest countries in the world, ranking eighth according to an annual global survey, despite the ongoing wars in Gaza and Lebanon. What do you think?The post Israel Ranked 8th Happiest Country appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W3FX)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs [...]The post Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W385)
While Roku already includes video ads peppered throughout the streaming platform, some users have recently reported a preview of Moana 2 now autoplaying on the device's startup, before they are shown the OS home screen. What do you think?The post Roku Tests Autoplaying Ads Before Loading Home Screen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35R)
The post Grimes Slaps I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy' Sticker On Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35W)
SHELBURNE, VT-Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. That dopey teen working the front desk didn't even think to check my coat pockets-stimulus city, here I come, baby!" Sansovitch said as [...]The post Man Sneaks Bag Of Outside Stimuli Into Sensory Deprivation Tank appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35V)
WASHINGTON-Warning that the charge carried a five-year mandatory minimum sentence, the U.S. Department of Justice declared Friday that the distribution of images featuring a balding Elon Musk constituted an act of domestic terrorism. For the benefit of all Americans, anyone who posts or reposts photos from Mr. Musk's PayPal days will be prosecuted for terrorism," [...]The post DOJ Designates Posting Photos Of Balding Elon Musk As Domestic Terrorism appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35T)
Spam texts are on the rise. The Onion shares tips for dealing with scam and spam messages on your phone. Remember that the IRS will never contact you over text, unless you are in serious trouble and need to pay right now. If replying with STOP doesn't work, try CUT IT OUT. Compare suspicious messages [...]The post Tips For Dealing With Spam Texts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W35S)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation's fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. While I know we've made assurances like this in the past, as of today we are really and truly committed to putting an end to the bullshit and [...]The post Nation's Fuckups Announce Plan To Get Shit Together For Real This Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2NQ)
Previously holding the title of world's ugliest animal," the lumpy, jelly-like, deep-sea blobfish redeemed its reputation this week when it was crowned Fish of the Year by a New Zealand environmental group. What do you think?The post Ugly' Blobfish Named Fish of the Year appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2JW)
WASHINGTON-In a move that stunned the global real estate community,President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday pulling the United States out ofHouse Hunters International. We're not benefiting from those perfect little apartments in Barcelona, so why should the U.S. foot the bill?" said Trump, who called out China for not paying its fair share [...]The post Trump Pulls U.S. Out Of House Hunters International appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2GD)
The post Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2CZ)
So this is kind of awkward but it's been on my mind lately and I know it's probably nothing but I've gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so...do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so embarrassing! I've just been getting this [...]The post Am I Ugly? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2D0)
Beef tallow, also known as rendered beef fat, is trending among beauty and health influencers. Here is everything you need to know about the by-product. Q: What is beef tallow used for? A: Cooking, skincare, and fixing squeaky cows. Q: Why should I cook with it? A: To crisp up those soft, supple arteries. Q: [...]The post What To Know About Beef Tallow appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W2D1)
WASHINGTON-Addressing the nation to reveal that one of the greatest threats facing the country had been eradicated, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that SEAL Team Six had killed a U.S. protester in a daring overnight raid. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an [...]The post Trump Announces SEAL Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W29Q)
WASHINGTON-Despite the risks to national security from revealing such confidential information, the Pew Research Center released a study Thursday proving that 93% of individuals with one earbud in are receiving top-secret commands from HQ. Nearly every person you see in public wearing a single earbud is currently undertaking a clandestine mission on behalf of an [...]The post Study: 93% Of Individuals With One Earbud In Receiving Top-Secret Commands From HQ appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W29P)
EVERETT, WA-In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. If you use your imagination, it basically feels just as good as having somebody call emergency services for you," [...]The post Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W1XM)
Harvard announced that undergraduate tuition will be free for students of families who make annual incomes of $200,000 or less, a move intended to make the prestigious institution affordable to more students than ever." What do you think?The post Harvard Announces Free Tuition For Families Making Under $200,000 appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W1HM)
President Donald Trump invoked the Alien Enemies Act for the first time since it was used to intern Japanese immigrants during WWII, granting himself sweeping authority to deport non-citizens without giving them the opportunity to go before a judge. What do you think?The post Trump Invokes Law Used To Justify Japanese Internment Camps appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W1EC)
ST. CHARLES, MO-Covering her ears as her father screamed at her mother about the overuse of suggestive POV camera shots, local child Hadley Lohman sat frightened atop the stairs last night watching her parents argue about the ending of The Sopranos, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to reports, Lohman crawled out of bed to the steps [...]The post Frightened Child Sits Atop Stairs Watching Parents Argue About Ending Of Sopranos' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W1EB)
WASHINGTON-In a decisive victory for longtime champions of the cause, congressional leaders announced Wednesday the passage of a new federal law mandating that all women talk with a baby voice. Under the terms of this legislation, every American female over the age of 18 is now required to speak with short, simple words in a [...]The post New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W0X0)
A 4-year-old Wisconsin boy called 911 to report that his mom was eating his ice cream, saying she was being bad and needed to go to jail." What do you think?The post 4-Year-Old Calls 911 To Report Mom For Eating His Ice Cream appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W0TE)
The post Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HY)
NORFOLK, VA-Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry's entire personality revolves around things she enjoys. I honestly kind of cringe seeing how Maddy just goes along with what naturally appeals to her," said local woman Kelly Olsen, who scoffed [...]The post Basic Woman's Entire Personality Revolves Around Things She Enjoys appeared first on The Onion.
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