The Onion

ALBUQUERQUE, NM-Expressing their envy at the child's obviously superior dining experience, everyone sitting in a local restaurant Monday was reportedly jealous of a toddler who got to wear his pajamas and watch an iPad for the whole meal. I can't believe this! He doesn't even have to talk to anybody or pay attention to what's [...]The post Everyone In Restaurant Jealous Of Toddler Who Gets To Wear Pajamas And Watch iPad appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Pondering a hypothetical that, if proven, would fundamentally alter feline understanding of the universe, the nation's foremost cat scientists held a symposium Friday to discuss a theoretical third food type that was neither wet nor dry. Consider a world in which food is not split into the binary we have always known, but exists [...]The post Cat Scientists Theorize About Third Type Of Food That Neither Wet Nor Dry appeared first on The Onion.

A 4-year-old boy accidentally smashed a Bronze Age jar at an archeological museum in Haifa, Israel, with the 3,500-year-old ancient artifact having been displayed without a glass case near the institution's entrance at the time of the incident. What do you think?The post 4-Year-Old Museum-Goer Accidentally Shatters Bronze Age Jar appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had happened. Hmm, a listeria outbreak? I wonder if that means all the Boar's Head is on sale now," said [...]The post Listeria Outbreak Prompts Man To Continue Eating Deli Meat Like Nothing Wrong appeared first on The Onion.

BALTIMORE-Threatening significant legal consequences if the campaign failed to heed its warnings, the Francis Scott Key estate sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump on Friday that demanded he discontinue use of The Star-Spangled Banner" at his rallies. This unauthorized political usage is in clear violation of what Francis stood for and everything his song [...]The post Francis Scott Key Estate Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Playing Star-Spangled Banner' At Rally appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, TX-After engaging a trip wire when they reached the doors of the medical facility, dozens of pregnant women remained hanging in a snare net above the entrance to Texas Health Arlington Memorial Hospital, sources confirmed Friday. They keep saying they aren't here for abortions, but we can't be too careful," said ob-gyn Dr. Otto [...]The post Dozens Of Pregnant Women Caught In Hanging Snare Nets Above Texas Hospital Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize.The Onionshares tips for starting your own book club.The post Tips For Starting A Book Club appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Caught red-handed after a night on the town with a car he had been trying to keep secret, Pete Buttigieg attempted to sneak into his D.C. apartment at approximately 12:30 a.m. Friday, according to sources close to the transportation secretary and his spouse. Are you fucking kidding me? First you don't show up for dinner, [...]The post Pete Buttigieg Sneaks In After Midnight With Tire Tracks On Collar appeared first on The Onion.

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her whirlwind nomination, and her vision for the future of the United States of America. The [...]The post Exclusive Interview With Kamala Harris appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Bemoaning the terrible course conditions he encountered while visiting the military burial site, Donald Trump called out Arlington National Cemetery on Thursday for its hazard-filled fairways. I've played at amazing golf courses all over the world-like Augusta, Pinehurst, and Pebble Beach-and let me tell you, Arlington National Cemetery was the worst 18 holes I've ever [...]The post Trump Calls Out Arlington National Cemetery For Hazard-Filled Fairways appeared first on The Onion.

LITTLE ROCK, AR-Admitting that he had heard the phrase before but was unclear as to itsexact meaning, local husband Brad Moff, 35, reportedly asked his wife Thursday if an ectopic pregnancy was a good thing. Wait, so does that mean that I, like, super-fertilized the eggs?" said Moff, querying his partner, Sarah, as to whether [...]The post Husband Asks If Ectopic Pregnancy Good Thing appeared first on The Onion.

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The mosquito-borne virus eastern equine encephalitis, also known as triple E, has led to voluntary lockdowns in multiple Massachusetts towns.The Onionanswers all the important questions you haveregarding the potentially deadly virus threatening the Northeast. Q: Is this like another Covid?A: No, every virus and pathogen is beautiful in its own way. Q: How does it [...]The post What To Know About Triple E Mosquito Virus appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Confirming the impressive but limited scope of the birds' cognitive abilities, a study published Thursday by the University of Chicago found that crows were intelligent enough to steal trinkets, but foolish enough to think that material goods would solve their problems. Our data indicates that corvids display the reasoning skills necessary to pilfer and collect [...]The post Study: Crows Intelligent Enough To Steal Trinkets, But Foolish Enough To Think Material Goods Will Solve Problems appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists at the University of California at Davis are attempting to reengineer the microbes in cows' stomachs to produce less methane, which is a potent greenhouse gas released by the animals that contributes about 4% of global warming. What do you think?The post Scientists Reengineering Cows' Stomachs To Fight Climate Change appeared first on The Onion.

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NORWOOD, OH-Kicking herself as the words 1 free article(s) remaining" hovered at the bottom of her screen, local woman Margaret Cross stated Wednesday that she had wasted a free monthly Cincinnati.com article on a story about a high school golf team. I just got pulled in because I know my cousin's kid plays for St. [...]The post Woman Wastes Free Monthly Cincinnati.com Article On Story About High School Golf Team appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Publishing their work in the peer-reviewed journalPassive-Aggression, Georgetown University researchers released a catty new study Wednesday that found the majority of Americans must lack access to reliable mirrors. After analyzing thousands of data points, from their tragic haircuts to their questionable tastes in footwear, we determined there are millions of people across the country who [...]The post Catty Study Finds Majority Of Americans Must Lack Access To Reliable Mirrors appeared first on The Onion.

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Sabrina Carpenter, the artist behind summer hitsEspresso"andPlease Please Please," recently released her highly anticipated sixth studio album,Short n' Sweet, to critical acclaim.The Onionshares what you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: Disney Project 874C Genre: Blonde Height: 6-foot-7 with a 7-foot wingspan Vocal Style: Precision-tooled breeziness Songwriting Technique: Gun pointed at Jack Antonoff [...]The post Artist Profile: Sabrina Carpenter appeared first on The Onion.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Expanding its offerings beyond traditional vapes, Juul Labs announced Tuesday it had begun selling e-solvents, a new product it would market toward huffers. With Juul's new e-solvents, hanging out with your other huffer buddies by the dumpster behind Walmart just got a lot more fun," said CEO K.C. Crosthwaite, explaining that the electronic [...]The post Juul Unveils New E-Solvent Can For Huffers appeared first on The Onion.

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NEWARK, NJ-Marveling at the manifold natural wonders on display inside such a small, self-contained ecosystem, a panel of scientists described feeling awestruck Tuesday by the biodiversity within a single Italian sub. There's just an incredible variety of species thriving inside the surprisingly hospitable habitat of this sandwich-among the varietals of flora alone, we can see [...]The post Scientists Awestruck By Biodiversity Within Single Italian Sub appeared first on The Onion.

SAVANNAH, GA-His voice growing increasingly hoarse as he entered his 72nd hour of contextualizing the 2024 campaign through sports, vice presidential candidate Tim Walz reportedly panicked Monday while trapped inside a football metaphor for the third consecutive day. It's the fourth quarter, we're down by a field goal, but we're on offense, we're driving to [...]The post Panicked Tim Walz Trapped In Football Metaphor For Third Consecutive Day appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Stating that the anatomical facsimile of the female groin was having the opposite of the vice presidential candidate's intended effect, aides begged J.D. Vance on Monday to stop carrying around a model of a woman's pelvis while meeting with voters. I can't stress enough how much people don't like it when you silently hold [...]The post Aides Beg J.D. Vance To Stop Carrying Model Of Woman's Pelvis While Meeting Voters appeared first on The Onion.

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LAS VEGAS-Warning there were only two hours remaining until the Uber would be called, 25-year-old Sabrina Kelson, the prettiest girl at the bachelorette party, reportedly demanded Monday that everyone else look pretty. I just think it's really important that everybody look their best for Madison tonight," said Kelson, the woman blessed with flawless skin and [...]The post Prettiest Girl At Bachelorette Party Demands Everyone Look Pretty appeared first on The Onion.

With the Democratic National Convention complete and election day drawing closer, Donald Trump and his supporters have stepped up their attacks on opponent Kamala Harris.The Onionfact-checks Republicans' claims about the Democratic nominee. Claim: Harris is a communist. Partially true: She is half-communist on her father's side. Claim: Harris slept her way to the top. False: [...]The post Fact-Checking The GOP's Claims About Kamala Harris appeared first on The Onion.

WICHITA, KS-In a judgmental appraisal of her daughter's parenting techniques only moments after she gave birth, an areagrandmotherhamsterwas reportedly overly critical Friday of the way her daughter ate her babies. Oh, come on, stop being so delicate and shove them in your mouth the old-fashioned way," said the elderly 1.75-year-old hamster, failing to take into [...]The post Grandmother Hamster Overly Critical Of Way Daughter Eats Babies appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Given little choice but to deploy the safety measure, stranded NASA astronauts were forced to take an emergency slide back to earth, sources confirmed Friday. After realizing that a mechanical failure had made it impossible to return to Earth in the Orion spacecraft, we released the 286-mile inflatable slide stored by the emergency exits," said [...]The post Stranded NASA Astronauts Take Emergency Slide Back To Earth appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Boasting new safety features that have drastically cut down on patient fatalities, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled an improved prosthetic hand this week that only chokes its owner 63% of the time. With a superior level of control, our new prosthetic hand is the first that isn't guaranteed to take control [...]The post Improved Prosthetic Hand Only Chokes Owner 63% Of Time appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four more years of liberal rule. Accept this holy sacrifice, O gods, and hear our slightly-left-of-center pleas!" chanted nude Iowa delegate Phil [...]The post DNC Attendees Set Massive Wooden Donkey Ablaze To Ensure 4 More Years Of Liberal Rule appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Struggling to hold his phone steady while his wife spoke at the Democratic National Convention, second gentleman Doug Emhoff reportedly sent a blurry picture of Vice President Kamala Harris on stage Tuesday to his family group chat. She's on stage right now," read the text, which was sent to at least 16 different phone numbers-including [...]The post Doug Emhoff Sends Blurry Picture Of Harris Speaking To Family Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

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With Chicago playing host to the Democratic National Convention, Mayor Brandon Johnson is in the national spotlight.The Onionsat down with the progressive to discuss the DNC, tourism, and his first year in office. The Onion: What advice do you have for those visiting Chicago this week? Johnson: Please take your shoes off when visiting our [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they'd heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise from their constituents. You like the candidates? Really? That's...huh," DNC chair Jaime Harrison said to a group of voters on the [...]The post Stammering Democrats Unsure How To Accept Positive Feedback appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an approach made with parted, tongue-moistened lips and very little warning, a big open mouth was reportedly headed straight for local woman Sylvia Escolero's face Thursday, saying she was so beautiful and it wanted to kiss her. Sources confirmed Escolero, who was struck silent by the sudden development and had time only to [...]The post Big Open Mouth Coming At Woman's Face Says She So Beautiful And Wants To Kiss Her appeared first on The Onion.

ANN ARBOR, MI-Noting the rapid increase among assholes who just don't know when to quit it, an alarming report published Thursday by the University of Michigan found that the nation's fuckers now have 83% more nerve. Based on our data, we can see that over the last year there has been a threefold rise in [...]The post Alarming Report Finds Nation's Fuckers Now Have 83% More Nerve appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Condemning what they described as the website's exploitative practice of reducing a human being's worth to a single physical characteristic, critics took aim this week at the controversial new website WikiHead, which rates celebrities solely on the basis of their facial features and hair. Ew, it's just a whole website for perverts who are [...]The post Controversial Website WikiHead Rates Celebrities Based On Facial Features, Hair appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Informing the crowd at the Democratic National Convention that he had come from a distant and unimaginable realm ruled by robotic beings, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz unveiled a new retro-futurist persona this week during a speech in which he dispensed with his folksy image. Greetings, citizens of America, it is I-Artemus!" the Minnesota [...]The post Tim Walz Unveils New Retro-Futurist Persona After Feeling Boxed In By Folksy Image appeared first on The Onion.

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