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on (#6HP12)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 19:30 |
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on (#6HNYM)
ATLANTA-In an effort to align the brand's supply chain with its Christian values, the fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A announced Monday that it would only serve chickens conceived in wedlock. Starting today, our more than 3,000 Chick-fil-A locations will no longer ask customers to eat bastard chicks born to unwed...Read more...
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on (#6HM20)
The genetic testing company 23andMe, which was subject to a data breach in December that compromised the genetic and ancestry data of 6.9 million users and now faces more than 30 lawsuits, blamed the victims of the hacking in a recent letter to users, stating that they negligently recycled and failed to update their...Read more...
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on (#6HM21)
Many politicians seem to believe they know enough about medicine to determine whether certain procedures are medically necessary or not. The Onion asked elected officials why they understand abortion better than doctors, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HM22)
BRATTLEBORO, VT-Making the bold assertion with no discernible evidence, local child Jayden Mitchell was unreasonably confident he'd make a good horse, sources confirmed Friday. Look, I'm not saying he'd make a terrible horse, but I think it's a little arrogant of him to just assume he'd make the best horse in the...Read more...
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on (#6HM23)
SAN DIEGO, CA-Emphasizing that the new facilities would be quick, clean, and easy to use, Petco introduced new self-service spay or neuter stations Friday in all of its stores nationwide. Starting today, customers will be able to go to any Petco and reserve a plastic, semiprivate enclosure in which to sterilize their...Read more...
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on (#6HKJX)
The Santa Cruz County bomb squad inspected an inert military ordnance" believed to be a practice bomb filled with sand from the 1960s that washed up on the Pajaro Dunes, 20 miles southeast of Santa Cruz. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HKFT)
NEW YORK-Dismissing the long-awaited unsealing of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein as underwhelming," sources reported Thursday that the list of so-called elite perverts lacked star power. Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, David Copperfield-what kind of cabal are they running here?" said sources who...Read more...
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on (#6HKCW)
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion obtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public's enlightenment.Read more...
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on (#6HK72)
Although phosphorus munitions are not technically banned under international law, it is illegal to use them against civilian populations. The Onion asked Americans when the military should be permitted to use white phosphorus, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HK4K)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the newly discovered resource was our only hope to save the planet, climate scientists urged the public Thursday to switch to the renewable psychic energy of a frail, bald child. After years of research, we can confidently say that the only way to avert climate disaster is to harvest the...Read more...
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on (#6HK4M)
Disney's copyright on the 1928 animated film Steamboat Willie has expired, allowing anyone to use the storyline and famous Mickey Mouse mascot, with two new horror movies based on the short already announced. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HK4P)
NEW YORK-Rolling out a premium subscription tier for users who want a more customizable viewing experience, HBO's Max streaming service unveiled a new triple-platinum plan Thursday that allows customers to permanently remove any movie or TV series from the platform. For $49.99 a month, subscribers now have the option...Read more...
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on (#6HK4Q)
This two-bedroom condo is perfect for you and Jessica. It's been two years, and really, what are you so afraid of? You'd each get your own bathroom, there's oak flooring throughout, and there's something about the granite countertops that just screams mature decision." Low taxes!Read more...
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on (#6HJN3)
On Monday, the deadline for objections to the unsealing of names connected to the Jeffrey Epstein-Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking case will pass, allowing the identities of nearly 200 of Epstein's associates to be confirmed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HJN4)
Decisions made in Maine and Colorado to strike Donald Trump from their respective state-level ballots using the Fourteenth Amendment's insurrection clause have raised the question: Should the former president be disqualified from running again? The Onion asked Americans what they think.Read more...
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on (#6HJBZ)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6HJ87)
DAYTON, OH-Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn't want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink himself. Goddammit, don't worry, I'll take care of all this goat's blood-I must've...Read more...
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on (#6HJ80)
WASHINGTON-Looking after the White House for a couple days while the president was out of town, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly made a few extra bucks this week house-sitting for the Bidens. As far as side gigs go, house-sitting is easy money," said the nation's second-in-command, adding that it was always...Read more...
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on (#6HJ82)
SIOUX CITY, IA-Admitting the five days of somber reflection had been exactly what she needed to move on with her life, Apex Consulting employee Natalie Silver said Wednesday that she could barely even remember her recently deceased mom after taking the company's one week of bereavement leave. Gosh, I know her...Read more...
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on (#6HJ83)
While many believe the words child" and marriage" should never appear next to each other, for others, child marriage is the dream. The Onion asked men to explain why age of consent laws are too strict, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HHTK)
BURBANK, CA-Announcing the Beauty And The Beast character was available for public use as of Jan. 1, 2024, Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed Tuesday that the company was relinquishing the rights to LeFou decades before the film's copyright expired. Go ahead, put LeFou in whatever silly slasher films you like-we do not...Read more...
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on (#6HHTM)
NEW YORK-Enrapturing the nation with his well-pressed trousers and matching jacket, a man in an impeccably tailored suit, allegedly with a pocket square and everything, urged Americans to invest in the stock market, sources confirmed Tuesday. This man, with his crisp, white shirt and perfectly fitted pants obviously...Read more...
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on (#6HHHK)
AUSTIN, TX-Noting that all great innovators must fail in order to succeed, sources confirmed Tuesday that Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital after attempting to impregnate a toaster. The 52-year-old billionaire, who founded Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink, reportedly suffered second- and third-degree burns along his...Read more...
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on (#6HHEB)
ROCHESTER, NY-Addressing all of their family members who kept name-brand groceries in their fridge without a Sam's Club membership, the nation's aunts announced Tuesday that it must be nice not having to worry about money like the rest of us. Ooh la la-look at you all fancy," said 56-year-old Bev Harding, speaking...Read more...
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on (#6HHED)
Interested buyers" stop by any time Thursday after 7 p.m. or Sunday afternoon. Must be prepared to be trapped for several hours.
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on (#6HHEC)
Thanks to Gov. Ron DeSantis' so-called war on woke,' Florida institutions of higher education have experienced an unprecedented brain drain. The Onion asked professors why they are fleeing the state, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HGWK)
SANTA FE, NM-Stressing that it would save him time and effort on future purchases, local man George Huntley reportedly created an account on GhostbusterBobbleheads.com Monday so he could enjoy faster checkout next time. It looks like if I sign up here they'll store my payment info and address so I can breeze...Read more...
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on (#6HF74)
DALLAS-With promotional materials that boast of its incredible realism and attention to historical detail, a new immersive John F. Kennedy assassination experience allows tourists to travel in a motorcade through downtown Dallas and learn firsthand what it's like to get shot in the head, reports confirmed Friday....Read more...
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on (#6HEHE)
STANFORD, CA-In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting...Read more...
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on (#6HDS6)
Whether it's their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year's resolution by state.Read more...
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on (#6HDQB)
A recent study of more than 9,000 participants found that the flu shot was linked to a lower risk of major cardiovascular events, with individuals who received regular flu vaccinations experiencing 26% fewer heart attacks and 33% fewer deaths from cardiovascular disease. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HDQD)
CINCINNATI-Claiming its latest product was recommended by nine out of 10 deli guys, oral hygiene mainstay Crest announced Wednesday it had launched a new line of ham and cheese whitening sandwiches. Want a whiter smile that's never tasted better?" a press release from Crest read in part, going on to state that the...Read more...
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