The Onion

NEOSHO, MO-Confused by the sudden directive to neutralize any threats" to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to guard theCEOofCrock-Pot. A person from the company called in a panic last week and said the CEO needed to beef up' [...]The post Corporate Security Detail Not Sure Why They Guarding Crock-Pot CEO appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmetics to home decor, millions of U.S. shoppers are [...]The post Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn't do shit," the sun said [...]The post Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Noticing everyone else's phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump's senior staff that he wasn't part of, sources confirmed Monday. It can't be a coincidence that they all keep looking down at their phones and chuckling at the same time," [...]The post JD Vance Begins To Suspect There Another Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Revealing a steep decline in the populace's knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation's residents used to be a basic component [...]The post Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans appeared first on The Onion.

LOCATION CLASSIFIED-Grumbling Not this shit again" as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy Sandman" Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. Man, it really ticks me off when I deploy for [...]The post Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who, while not perfect, altered the course of our nation in indelible ways," said the mint's director, Ventris [...]The post U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of Nobu. Despite strict evacuation orders, my staff and I did in fact attend a dinner party within the burnt [...]The post Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying that the singer's ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation's distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now. Between climate change, political upheaval, and the creeping sense that things aren't going to be [...]The post Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss the highs and lows of his tenure. The Onion: What prompted the timing of your resignation? Trudeau: I didn't want to be a distraction while my party cleans up the [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.

ALEXANDRIA, VA-Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old's viewing habits had likely destroyed hisYouTubeaccount forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that theAI-generatedRussianvideoshis son had been watching wereruininghis own recommendations forAI-generatedRussianvideos. Goddamn it, what is this shit?" said the 47-year-old father, who despite years of training his algorithm to suggest a steady stream of glitchy, [...]The post Child's AI-Generated Russian Videos Ruining YouTube Recommendations For Father's AI-Generated Russian Videos appeared first on The Onion.

Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. 39%: Americans in national survey who reported delaying emergency medical care due to financial limitations or having just put [...]The post U.S. Healthcare System By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a dog trying to fit a stick through a door. Oh, here she goes-can she figure [...]The post Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Addressing reporters during the league's annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players-namely, the two legs," said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, [...]The post NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. I really want to be there for all my Duke teammates, but this is something we've had planned for months," [...]The post Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO-Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday that was later auctioned off at a local fish market. From the moment I felt the lip of the can tugging on our line, I knew it was going to [...]The post Japanese Fishermen Catch 600-Pound Can Of Tuna appeared first on The Onion.

KOHLER, WI-To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped with a nude man already inside. Due to a mix-up at our manufacturing plant, thousands of our freestanding claw-foot bathtubs were mistakenly sent out with a sudsy naked man pre-installed," [...]The post Kohler Recalls 30,000 Bathtubs Shipped With Nude Man Already Inside appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that Americans need to get their travel documents updated because the agency wasn't messing around anymore, the TSA officials confirmed Monday that, no, really, they're going to require Real ID this year. As of May 7th, TSA checkpoints will require travelers to be Real ID compliant to board domestic flights-we know we're always saying [...]The post Report: No, Really, TSA To Require Real ID This Year appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Reminding his son that he won't be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren before he's too old to play with them in the NBA, sources confirmed Monday. You know, son, I'm not getting any younger, and I want to be able to pick [...]The post LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He's Too Old To Play With Them In NBA appeared first on The Onion.

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight room floor. The Onion dispels the common myths many people have about strength training. MYTH: Training with free weights is more effective than training with machines. FACT: Machines are actually [...]The post Strength Training: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you immediately. Everyone you know, everyone you care for, would abandon you instantly if [...]The post Report: Terrible Thing That Just Popped Into Your Head Would Make Loved Ones Turn On You Immediately appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling for the extinction of bees after they watchedMy Girl. Upon observing the heartbreaking scene in which Macaulay Culkin's character Thomas J. is attacked and ultimately killed by a swarm of [...]The post Ecologists Call For Bee Extinction After Watching My Girl' appeared first on The Onion.

Timothee Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it's similar to mine [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.

CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD-Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses [...]The post Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount! appeared first on The Onion.

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you're a back runner, side runner, or stomach runner. Go up a size to leave [...]The post Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was good enough for him," local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job," said Stambaugh, adding that [...]The post Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand's legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company's products. When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened," said [...]The post Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation's turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return [...]The post Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.