The Onion

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WASHINGTON-Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the [...]The post SurgeonGeneral: You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants' appeared first on The Onion.

Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You" turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey's career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. [...]The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed [...]The post Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excitedTravisKelcereportedly surprised girlfriendTaylorSwiftWednesday by handing awrapped,football-shapedgift to the pop super star.Here you go, babe," said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the oblong, sloppily wrappedpackage. A special Christmas present, just for my sweetheart. I think you're really [...]The post TravisKelceExcitedlyHandsTaylorSwiftWrappedFootball-ShapedGift appeared first on The Onion.

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they'd like to steal themselves. Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won't pick them up either. Employ a [...]The post Tips For Preventing Package Theft appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of [...]The post Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus' sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled fairy dust" that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. We're excited that on [...]The post Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled Fairy Dust' His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children's demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you [...]The post Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys appeared first on The Onion.

Pete Hegseth, Trump's pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee's background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho [...]The post Political Profile: Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale Jeanstea!) who would like change to chill out [...]The post AI? Ai-Yai-Yai! appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend's name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend's mom. At first I thought maybe Jessica' was just the brand name of the stocking, but [...]The post Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend's Name Still Visible On Stocking appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this.Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?" said one source, who leaned [...]The post BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. Nothing will stick-the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey's kisses-they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me," said Renton, who stared [...]The post Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University's medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by [...]The post Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules.Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any [...]The post NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. It's crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they [...]The post Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, localbaldmanFrank Richmond reportedly pressed hisfaceto awindowWednesday as athick-hairedfamilyinside satdowntodinner. They all seem so happy," said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind [...]The post Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the [...]The post Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk.When I'm working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take [...]The post CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one's here we can get rid of them," said the Creator of the Universe, [...]The post God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation's Emergency Alert System.This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, [...]The post FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI-In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.

LEXINGTON, KY-Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole sleeve still ahead of you," said Dewey, appearing wistful as he [...]The post Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago appeared first on The Onion.

Mufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters Dec. 20. Here's what you need to know about the newest Disney film. Q: What can fans expect to learn about Mufasa's backstory? A: That before he was a big adult lion, he was a small child [...]The post What To Know About Mufasa: The Lion King' appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife's name.I'd just keep saying babe,' but I think she's starting to catch on," said Bieber, who admitted that he had zero clue" whether the woman he had been married to for [...]The post Justin Bieber Forgets Wife's Name appeared first on The Onion.

We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is inconclusive: The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse [...]The post A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron appeared first on The Onion.

After nearly two years, Taylor Swift's Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket sales. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the record-breaking tour. 1.2 million: Parents who only learned at the door that you can't bring water bottles into the venue 113: Average rushing yards per [...]The post Taylor Swift's Eras Tour By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump's future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. Hey everyone, I'm JD, the Christmas elf!" the 40-year-old Ohio senator said in a high-pitched voice, prancing [...]The post JD Vance Forced To Dress As Elf At Mar-A-Lago Christmas Party appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus.According to eyewitnesses, the 3-year-old Old English sheepdog tore through the business district,bumping into the TC Energy Center and whacking over the JPMorgan Chase Tower [...]The post Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline appeared first on The Onion.

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not delivered quickly, then I fear all hope will be lost. Please, we do not have much time. [...]The post Take Me To Your Girlboss appeared first on The Onion.

BENTON HARBOR, MI-Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech suit.Whether you are attempting to make your world-famous blueberry muffins, roll out perfect tagliatelle, or spiralize vegetables for a healthy [...]The post KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit appeared first on The Onion.

LANCASTER, PA-Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked The harvest!' on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. The crops, the crops! Amos, you old Wutz, you've gone and messed everything up again," Yoder was overheard shouting as he hastily [...]The post The Harvest!' Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a huge turnoff. While I want to state that I have nothing but respect for the female troops serving our [...]The post Pete Hegseth Clarifies Women Allowed In Combat Roles But It's A Huge Turnoff appeared first on The Onion.

Whether you're spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper topics can help strengthen your relationships. The Onion shares tips for having more meaningful conversations. Bang a gavel every time someone says something trivial. Put your phone away, unless you're having a conversation with someone over the [...]The post Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations appeared first on The Onion.

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MANASSAS, VA-Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday.It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor," said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, [...]The post Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man appeared first on The Onion.