| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-10 05:00 |
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on (#6PP5R)
With Project 2025 calling for the criminalization of porn and age-verification laws already on the books in multiple states, The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning pornographic material.
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on (#6PP5S)
CINCINNATI-Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning,...Read more...
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on (#6PMGD)
ACWORTH, GA-In an effort to prepare for a devastating" outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I'm getting a one-way ticket to...Read more...
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on (#6PK0V)
WASHINGTON-Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin's mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled How to be an enigma" before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. After reviewing the shooter's browser history, we have discovered several searches...Read more...
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on (#6PJV9)
SAN FRANCISCO-Pointing out that most of them don't even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. It's easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to...Read more...
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on (#6PJVA)
NEW YORK-Maintaining his silence in the wake of sudden tragedy, new hire Will Rorke told reporters Monday that he was not yet comfortable enough to mention that he had seen a man die on his way into the office. I wish I knew my coworkers well enough to open up about how I just witnessed a stranger drop dead from a...Read more...
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on (#6PJVB)
HILLSBORO, OR-Lambasting the verdict as cruel" and brash," 3-year-old Ian Tobler reportedly vowed Monday to appeal his parents' decision to keep his newborn baby brother. I am deeply disappointed by my parents' decision to bring Mateo home from the hospital, and I will continue to fight for justice," said Tobler,...Read more...
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on (#6PGMK)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Insisting repeatedly that they just didn't have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones' offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. That's so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but...Read more...
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on (#6PDYH)
WASHINGTON-Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was really, really, really happy' for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee's hand and refused to let go of it. So, so, so...Read more...
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on (#6PDPV)
BALTIMORE-Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. New data shows a staggering number of incoming...Read more...
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on (#6PDPW)
WASHINGTON-A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. Between the attempted assassination of one party's presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three...Read more...
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on (#6PDPX)
SAUSALITO, CA-Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding...Read more...
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on (#6PD8B)
SCHAUMBURG, IL-Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,...Read more...
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on (#6PD8C)
WASHINGTON-Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. What the hell happened to her? She was only 59...Read more...
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on (#6PD8E)
NEW YORK-Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. Look, I'm trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes...Read more...
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on (#6PD5B)
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one's own head while yelling Stupid, stupid, stupid" could be an early sign of low self-esteem. While previous generations saw the act of batting at your own...Read more...
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on (#6PCJN)
WASHINGTON-In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. It's a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that...Read more...
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on (#6PCH4)
WASHINGTON-In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years." Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful...Read more...
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on (#6PB7T)
Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience at the 2020 Tokyo Games.
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on (#6PB7W)
CHICAGO-With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team's games were televised. Based on the way you're playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are...Read more...
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on (#6PB7X)
CORAL GABLES, FL-Calling the project a labor of love," plastic surgeon Dr. Alexander Ruttenberg reportedly tore his new wife, Natalia Barova, down to the studs this week. She's not perfect, but she's got good bones," said Ruttenberg, who boasted that he was spending a small fortune" on cosmetic updates and...Read more...
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on (#6PB7Y)
KENOSHA, WI-Stunned at the act's failure to benefit his mood in any discernible way, completely alone 37-year-old Doug Kaczmarek told reporters Friday that he had really thought blowing out a birthday candle in his dark apartment would cheer him up. Huh. I expected sitting by myself in the shadows and blowing out a...Read more...
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on (#6PAM6)
WASHINGTON-Kneeling beside him as he softly stirred, an aide reportedly told President Joe Biden on Thursday that he had won the election and then gently closed his eyes. It's okay, Mr. President-all is well in the world, thanks to you," the White House staffer said as she attempted to fold the president's hands...Read more...
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on (#6PABJ)
Former President Donald Trump survived a shocking attempt on his life at a Pennsylvania campaign rally, sustaining only minor injuries. The Onion takes a look back on the history of assassinations and attempted assassinations in the United States.
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on (#6PAAS)
DUBUQUE, IA-Following a late night out with friends during which they visited a succession of local bars, hungover sources unanimously reported Thursday that the last drink they had was definitely the one that did it. That tequila shot we took right at the end-that was our mistake," said a visibly hungover Pete...Read more...
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on (#6PAAT)
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling reporters that the three little bois had sooooo much fun the last few days, police announced Thursday that a missing woman had been discovered after her two sweet angel kitty babies went num num num on her corpse. At 10 a.m., investigators found the victim unresponsive and noted that her feline...Read more...
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on (#6P9CB)
CHICAGO-Suggesting the venue could provide the friendship and intimacy the man had lacked for so long, a report released Thursday found that going to a strip club might be exactly what isolated 33-year-old Luke Walters needs. When you think about it, making an inaugural visit to somewhere like the Admiral Theatre and...Read more...
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on (#6P9CC)
WASHINGTON-Her heart racing as she stared at the page, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly freaked out Wednesday after seeing her LinkedIn profile had received more than 30 views this week. What the hell? I'm blowing up!" said Harris, who is believed to have been unnerved by the unprecedented spike in...Read more...
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on (#6P8KT)
BROOKLINE, MA-Expecting at least a temporary moratorium on the subject, sources expressed surprise Tuesday when local woman Gale Dunn's recent divorce failed to slow down her continual pleas for her adult daughter to get married. Honestly, Cara, when are you going to get serious about finding a husband and settling...Read more...
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