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Updated 2025-07-10 05:00
Russia Agrees To Massive Prisoner Swap With West
Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Questions Kamala Harris’ Race
Former President Trump claimed Vice President Kamala Harris became [...] Black" during a panel at the National Association of Black Journalists' annual convention, saying he didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago." What do you think?Read more...
The Pros And Cons Of Banning Porn
With Project 2025 calling for the criminalization of porn and age-verification laws already on the books in multiple states, The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning pornographic material.
Kroger Recalls 2 Million Packs Of Lettuce They Developed Psychosexual Relationship With
CINCINNATI-Describing the deep shame but also freedom that came with finally saying it out loud, supermarket chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the company had developed a psychosexual relationship with. We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger customers, but this morning,...Read more...
Iran Vows Retaliation For Hamas Chief Killing
Iran's Supreme Leader vowed to seek revenge against Israel for the killing of Hamas' top political leader in a predawn airstrike in the Iranian capital of Tehran, risking escalating the conflict into an all-out regional war. What do you think?Read more...
Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning
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Terrified Conservative Planning To Move To 1930s Austria If Trump Loses
ACWORTH, GA-In an effort to prepare for a devastating" outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I'm getting a one-way ticket to...Read more...
Biden Calls For Major Supreme Court Changes
President Joe Biden called for sweeping changes to the Supreme Court, including a constitutional amendment that would limit immunity for presidents, impose term limits for justices, and stipulate an enforceable code of ethics. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds Exercise May Help Alzheimer’s Patients Look Hot
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Report: Trump Gunman Googled ‘How To Be An Enigma’
WASHINGTON-Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin's mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled How to be an enigma" before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. After reviewing the shooter's browser history, we have discovered several searches...Read more...
Billionaire Credits Millionaire Friends With Keeping Him Humble
SAN FRANCISCO-Pointing out that most of them don't even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. It's easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to...Read more...
New Hire Not Yet Comfortable Enough To Mention He Saw Man Die On Way In
NEW YORK-Maintaining his silence in the wake of sudden tragedy, new hire Will Rorke told reporters Monday that he was not yet comfortable enough to mention that he had seen a man die on his way into the office. I wish I knew my coworkers well enough to open up about how I just witnessed a stranger drop dead from a...Read more...
3-Year-Old Vows To Appeal Parents’ Decision To Keep Newborn Baby Brother
HILLSBORO, OR-Lambasting the verdict as cruel" and brash," 3-year-old Ian Tobler reportedly vowed Monday to appeal his parents' decision to keep his newborn baby brother. I am deeply disappointed by my parents' decision to bring Mateo home from the hospital, and I will continue to fight for justice," said Tobler,...Read more...
Physical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For Wall
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Insisting repeatedly that they just didn't have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones' offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. That's so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but...Read more...
‘Really, Really, Really Happy For You, Kamala,’ Says Hillary Clinton, Not Letting Go Of Handshake
WASHINGTON-Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was really, really, really happy' for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee's hand and refused to let go of it. So, so, so...Read more...
Study Finds 14% Of College Freshmen Contract HPV By End Of Campus Tour
BALTIMORE-Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. New data shows a staggering number of incoming...Read more...
Report: 78% Of Americans Too Distracted By Politics To Appreciate The Summer Glen Powell Is Having
WASHINGTON-A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. Between the attempted assassination of one party's presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three...Read more...
Vet Has Bad News For French Bulldog Hoping To Have Natural Birth
SAUSALITO, CA-Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding...Read more...
Photo Of Garden Cucumbers Sent To Father Unleashes Torrent Of Unbridled Criticism
SCHAUMBURG, IL-Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,...Read more...
Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night
WASHINGTON-Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. What the hell happened to her? She was only 59...Read more...
Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace
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News Happening Faster Than Man Can Generate Uninformed Opinions
NEW YORK-Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. Look, I'm trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes...Read more...
Study Finds Smacking Own Head Yelling ‘Stupid, Stupid’ Could Be Early Sign Of Low Self-Esteem
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one's own head while yelling Stupid, stupid, stupid" could be an early sign of low self-esteem. While previous generations saw the act of batting at your own...Read more...
Cave Discovered On Moon Could One Day House Humans
Scientists have confirmed the discovery of a cave on the moon not far from where Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed 55 years ago, with potentially hundreds more that could house future astronauts. What do you think?Read more...
Artist Profile: Chappell Roan
Kamala Harris Turns Down Democratic Nomination To Work On Alaskan Fishing Vessel
WASHINGTON-In a significant setback for the already-reeling Democratic Party, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly turned down the presidential nomination today in order to take a job on an Alaskan fishing vessel. It's a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that...Read more...
Today’s Historic Front Page: July 21, 2024
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Biden Flubs Exit Speech
WASHINGTON-In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years." Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful...Read more...
Trump Accepts GOP Nomination
Donald Trump formally accepted the 2024 Republican nomination for president, the announcement coming days after an attempted assassination on the former president's life. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Simone Biles
Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience at the 2020 Tokyo Games.
Petting Zoo Selling Toddler Fingers For 25 Cents
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MLB Reminds White Sox That Games Televised
CHICAGO-With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team's games were televised. Based on the way you're playing, we just wanted to make sure you understand that there are...Read more...
Plastic Surgeon Tears New Wife Down To The Studs
CORAL GABLES, FL-Calling the project a labor of love," plastic surgeon Dr. Alexander Ruttenberg reportedly tore his new wife, Natalia Barova, down to the studs this week. She's not perfect, but she's got good bones," said Ruttenberg, who boasted that he was spending a small fortune" on cosmetic updates and...Read more...
Completely Alone Man Really Thought Blowing Out Birthday Candle In Dark Apartment Would Have Cheered Him Up
KENOSHA, WI-Stunned at the act's failure to benefit his mood in any discernible way, completely alone 37-year-old Doug Kaczmarek told reporters Friday that he had really thought blowing out a birthday candle in his dark apartment would cheer him up. Huh. I expected sitting by myself in the shadows and blowing out a...Read more...
Archaeologists Celebrate After Uncovering Ancient Certificate Congratulating Them For Finding All The Stuff
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Trump On Accepting Nomination: ‘This Is Boring, I’m So Bored’
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Trump: ‘You All Look Really Stupid With Those Things On Your Head’
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Judge Dismisses Trump Classified Documents Case
Judge Aileen Cannon, the Florida judge overseeing Donald Trump's classified documents trial, dismissed the case on the grounds that the appointment of and funding for special counsel Jack Smith was illegal, flying in the face of previous court decisions reaching back to the Watergate era. What do you think?Read more...
Biden Told He Won Election As Aide Gently Closes His Eyes
WASHINGTON-Kneeling beside him as he softly stirred, an aide reportedly told President Joe Biden on Thursday that he had won the election and then gently closed his eyes. It's okay, Mr. President-all is well in the world, thanks to you," the White House staffer said as she attempted to fold the president's hands...Read more...
Usha Vance Gently Corrects RNC Usher Attempting To Deport Her
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Timeline Of Assassination Attempts In The United States
Former President Donald Trump survived a shocking attempt on his life at a Pennsylvania campaign rally, sustaining only minor injuries. The Onion takes a look back on the history of assassinations and attempted assassinations in the United States.
Sex Shop Has Gumball Machine
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That Last Drink The One That Did It, Report Hungover Sources
DUBUQUE, IA-Following a late night out with friends during which they visited a succession of local bars, hungover sources unanimously reported Thursday that the last drink they had was definitely the one that did it. That tequila shot we took right at the end-that was our mistake," said a visibly hungover Pete...Read more...
Sweet Angel Kitty Babies Go Num Num Num On Mommy’s Corpse
MINNETONKA, MN-Telling reporters that the three little bois had sooooo much fun the last few days, police announced Thursday that a missing woman had been discovered after her two sweet angel kitty babies went num num num on her corpse. At 10 a.m., investigators found the victim unresponsive and noted that her feline...Read more...
Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation’s 393 Million Guns
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Terminally Nil
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Jacked Guy Wearing Suit Must Have It All Figured Out
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Report: Maybe Going To Strip Club For First Time Exactly What Isolated 33-Year-Old Needs
CHICAGO-Suggesting the venue could provide the friendship and intimacy the man had lacked for so long, a report released Thursday found that going to a strip club might be exactly what isolated 33-year-old Luke Walters needs. When you think about it, making an inaugural visit to somewhere like the Admiral Theatre and...Read more...
Kamala Harris Freaked Out After Seeing Her LinkedIn Profile Got Over 30 Views This Week
WASHINGTON-Her heart racing as she stared at the page, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly freaked out Wednesday after seeing her LinkedIn profile had received more than 30 views this week. What the hell? I'm blowing up!" said Harris, who is believed to have been unnerved by the unprecedented spike in...Read more...
Mom’s Divorce Fails To Slow Down Pleas For Adult Daughter To Get Married
BROOKLINE, MA-Expecting at least a temporary moratorium on the subject, sources expressed surprise Tuesday when local woman Gale Dunn's recent divorce failed to slow down her continual pleas for her adult daughter to get married. Honestly, Cara, when are you going to get serious about finding a husband and settling...Read more...
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