| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 19:30 |
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on (#6H8SB)
LOS ANGELES-Just hours after Marvel announced they dropped the newly disgraced actor from all upcoming projects, DC Studios confirmed Tuesday it had signed Jonathan Majors to a $20 million contract. We are so excited to welcome Jonathan Majors to the DC universe, and we can't wait to see him act alongside our best...Read more...
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on (#6H8GC)
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY-Going about his daily life completely oblivious to his exceptional gift, area man Daniel Clark remains tragically unaware that he possesses one of the top five most beautiful assholes in America, sources confirmed Thursday. Every single day this man wakes up, goes to work, and comes home without the...Read more...
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on (#6H8GD)
CLEVELAND-Explaining that he had no way of transporting it to the drop-off location even if he wanted to, local man Jason Gardner told reporters he spent Tuesday calling around looking for a donation center that would come and pick up bulkier sperm. The truth is, I've got some perfectly good spermatozoa, but I can...Read more...
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on (#6H8EB)
Situated in the futuristic Newfoundland Standard Time Zone in St. John's, Canada, this state-of-the-art home will allow you to experience life 1.5 hours ahead of everyone in New York, Philadelphia, and Miami! If interested, remember to call us between 7:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. EST, because we live in THE FUTURE!Read more...
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on (#6H8EC)
OMAHA, NE-After driving from agency to agency all over town to find the perfect ward of the state, local man Pete Byrd placed a big red bow on top of a brand-new foster child, sources reported Tuesday. Janice is going to be so excited when she looks under the tree and sees the orphaned boy I got her," Byrd said as he...Read more...
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on (#6H8ED)
LOS ANGELES-In a groundbreaking series that includes shocking close-ups of the 28-year-old subject eating a bowl of Froot Loops on the couch, the TLC television network premiered a new show this week that stars Benjamin Neufeld, a man who is 5 pounds overweight. Some people may say we're exploiting his condition, but...Read more...
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on (#6H82A)
VATICAN CITY-Once more advancing his vision of a more inclusive church, Pope Francis reportedly broke with longstanding Roman Catholic doctrine Monday when he pressed his face against a steamy glass door in fervent approval of same-sex showers. After careful consideration of what dirty, dirty boys they are, I see no...Read more...
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on (#6H7K0)
NEW YORK-In town to promote its most recent film, the prehistoric reptilian beast known as Godzilla shared an anecdote about a recent Tokyo shopping trip during an appearance Monday on The Tonight ShowStarring Jimmy Fallon. Well, I'd actually never been to Tokyo, which is insane, I know, but we shoot most of this...Read more...
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on (#6H7K1)
Take this test to see if you possess the arrogance, stubbornness, and shortsightedness to be a baby boomer capable of screwing over future generations.Read more...
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on (#6H7GN)
PLANO, TX-Puzzled by the revelation that the famous rapper was one of 34 people the woman followed on the social media app, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear if local mother Teresa Poletti was intentionally following Machine Gun Kelly on Instagram. Huh, I mean, he's engaged to Megan Fox, so maybe that's...Read more...
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on (#6H7GP)
SALT LAKE CITY-Displaying his ignorance in a misguided and failed attempt to sound cool, local white coworker Dan Tibbs, who has lately tried to incorporate Black slang into his vocabulary, was reportedly misusing the N-word on Monday. He keeps trying to use it in emails, but he's totally doing it the wrong way, and...Read more...
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on (#6H7GQ)
NEW YORK-In an effort to make everyone feel special on such an important day, Brickwood Enterprises CEO Richard Hartnell told reporters Monday that he prides himself on laying off every employee by name. It's a little thing, but I know it means a lot to the people I tell to clean out their desks before security...Read more...
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on (#6H5PZ)
Although Die Hard takes place on Christmas, Americans love to argue about whether the action film is a holiday movie or not. The Onion asked fans whether they thought the 1988 cult classic is a Christmas move or not, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6H5PC)
WASHINGTON-After first jamming a rake into the narrow, unfinished shaft in an attempt to dislodge the incumbent head of state, Secret Service agents spent an entire morning attempting to lure President Joe Biden out of a White House crawl space, source confirmed Friday. We can tell from all the rustling under the...Read more...
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on (#6H5N2)
SAN RAMON, CA-Claiming he had barely hurt himself when he fell and suffered a leg fracture earlier that day, local dad Jeffrey Flannigan insisted Friday that he stand for the entire ambulance ride to the hospital. Oh, please, I don't need a stretcher or my vitals taken or anything like that-I'm totally fine to just...Read more...
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on (#6H5N3)
BURBANK, CA-Delving into the eccentric character's backstory to explain how he became so famous, a new prequel from Warner Bros. tells the tale of a young Willy Wonka using his rich father's money to purchase an already-successful chocolate factory, which he renames after himself. Wonka is the origin story of the...Read more...
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on (#6H58T)
Tesla recently recalled 2 million vehicles following safety concerns with the autopilot system. The Onion asked Tesla owners what they thought about the self-driving car recall, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6H55V)
KEARNY, NE-Hearing tell of vast deposits of liquid gold free for the taking, California prospectors faced with drought in their state reportedly began rushing to the Midwest this week to pan for water. Well, I'll be damned-we've hit the mother lode," said a dust-covered Jefferson Wild Eyes" Tibbs, falling to his...Read more...
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on (#6H4RA)
TOYOTA CITY, JAPAN-Noting that the policy was clearly stated in the purchase agreement for every vehicle it sold, Toyota revealed Thursday that any babies conceived in the backseats of their cars belonged to them. If you, as a Toyota customer, ever had sex in an automobile we manufactured and, as a result, had a...Read more...
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on (#6H4RC)
EMERYVILLE, CA-Warning him to calm down by the count of three, a local family reportedly dragged their screaming, sobbing father and husband away from the rake section at an area Home Depot on Thursday. Robert J. Heinemann, I've had just about enough of your whining-you know good and well we didn't come here to buy a...Read more...
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on (#6H4RD)
While Christmas is supposed to be filled with family, food, and holiday cheer, many Americans instead choose to spend it alone, in front of a computer, with their hands down their pants. The following are the most common porn searches made during the holidays.Read more...
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on (#6H4QR)
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL-Noting that he somehow always got stuck with all the worst household chores, local man Dennis Bergmeau told reporters Thursday that he was wondering if his wife was ever going to clean up the mess she'd made while blowing her brains out. I've ignored it for as long as I could, but when she put a...Read more...
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on (#6H46A)
Full story.Read more...
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on (#6H42M)
TAMPA, FL-Saying you fucked with the wrong guys this time, the nation's leathery old men with veneers held a press conference Wednesday to announce their plan to see you in court. We're going to sue your ass into oblivion," said 68-year-old Bernard Wheatcraft, one of several thousand leathery men who reportedly gave...Read more...
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on (#6H3TW)
HERONSBURG, AL-Under the terms of a strict ban that took effect in the state with the overturning of Roe v. Wade, an Alabama seventh-grader was arrested and jailed Wednesday after taking a basketball back out from under her shirt, according to law enforcement. Every basketball found under someone's shirt is a miracle...Read more...
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on (#6H3TX)
WASHINGTON-Hailing the initiative as a bold new era for the country's multiplayer capabilities, President Joe Biden announced plans Wednesday to purchase an extra PlayStation 5 controller in case someone visits the nation. We cannot stand by and fail to greatly expand America's ability to engage in couch co-op...Read more...
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