The Onion

LOS ANGELES-Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of Nobu. Despite strict evacuation orders, my staff and I did in fact attend a dinner party within the burnt [...]The post Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying that the singer's ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation's distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now. Between climate change, political upheaval, and the creeping sense that things aren't going to be [...]The post Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss the highs and lows of his tenure. The Onion: What prompted the timing of your resignation? Trudeau: I didn't want to be a distraction while my party cleans up the [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.

ALEXANDRIA, VA-Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old's viewing habits had likely destroyed hisYouTubeaccount forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that theAI-generatedRussianvideoshis son had been watching wereruininghis own recommendations forAI-generatedRussianvideos. Goddamn it, what is this shit?" said the 47-year-old father, who despite years of training his algorithm to suggest a steady stream of glitchy, [...]The post Child's AI-Generated Russian Videos Ruining YouTube Recommendations For Father's AI-Generated Russian Videos appeared first on The Onion.

Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. 39%: Americans in national survey who reported delaying emergency medical care due to financial limitations or having just put [...]The post U.S. Healthcare System By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a dog trying to fit a stick through a door. Oh, here she goes-can she figure [...]The post Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Addressing reporters during the league's annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players-namely, the two legs," said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, [...]The post NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. I really want to be there for all my Duke teammates, but this is something we've had planned for months," [...]The post Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO-Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday that was later auctioned off at a local fish market. From the moment I felt the lip of the can tugging on our line, I knew it was going to [...]The post Japanese Fishermen Catch 600-Pound Can Of Tuna appeared first on The Onion.

KOHLER, WI-To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped with a nude man already inside. Due to a mix-up at our manufacturing plant, thousands of our freestanding claw-foot bathtubs were mistakenly sent out with a sudsy naked man pre-installed," [...]The post Kohler Recalls 30,000 Bathtubs Shipped With Nude Man Already Inside appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that Americans need to get their travel documents updated because the agency wasn't messing around anymore, the TSA officials confirmed Monday that, no, really, they're going to require Real ID this year. As of May 7th, TSA checkpoints will require travelers to be Real ID compliant to board domestic flights-we know we're always saying [...]The post Report: No, Really, TSA To Require Real ID This Year appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Reminding his son that he won't be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren before he's too old to play with them in the NBA, sources confirmed Monday. You know, son, I'm not getting any younger, and I want to be able to pick [...]The post LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He's Too Old To Play With Them In NBA appeared first on The Onion.

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight room floor. The Onion dispels the common myths many people have about strength training. MYTH: Training with free weights is more effective than training with machines. FACT: Machines are actually [...]The post Strength Training: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you immediately. Everyone you know, everyone you care for, would abandon you instantly if [...]The post Report: Terrible Thing That Just Popped Into Your Head Would Make Loved Ones Turn On You Immediately appeared first on The Onion.

STANFORD, CA-In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling for the extinction of bees after they watchedMy Girl. Upon observing the heartbreaking scene in which Macaulay Culkin's character Thomas J. is attacked and ultimately killed by a swarm of [...]The post Ecologists Call For Bee Extinction After Watching My Girl' appeared first on The Onion.

Timothee Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it's similar to mine [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Timothee Chalamet appeared first on The Onion.

CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD-Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses [...]The post Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount! appeared first on The Onion.

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you're a back runner, side runner, or stomach runner. Go up a size to leave [...]The post Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was good enough for him," local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job," said Stambaugh, adding that [...]The post Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand's legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company's products. When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened," said [...]The post Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation's turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return [...]The post Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.

NORFOLK, VA-In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man's verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman's cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended family over the holidays. As far as any of us could tell, Mark didn't know [...]The post Cousin's Husband Says First Word appeared first on The Onion.

Three years after it first premiered, Squid Game is returning to Netflix. Here is what you need to know about the second season of the hit dystopian drama. Q: When is it coming out? A: At the exact moment when you get kicked off your ex's Netflix account. Q: Will this season also require audiences [...]The post What To Know About Squid Game' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends. Oh yeah, it's so fantastic how the images moved and there was audio and [...]The post Man Lies About Having Seen Any Movies At All To Impress Friends appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. Good luck getting back in shape, idiots-you'll never figure out how to use all these pulleys," said fitness director Kyle Cates, who showed off the newly renovated cardio floor where the [...]The post Gym Installs Confusing New Equipment To Mess With Anyone Joining In January appeared first on The Onion.

The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by announcing I'm gonna do a backflip" as soon as you arrive. Buy whatever supplement the doctors with podcasts are currently [...]The post Tips For Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter's Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. You can't walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a [...]The post Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the [...]The post SurgeonGeneral: You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants' appeared first on The Onion.

Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You" turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey's career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. [...]The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.