The Onion

WILMINGTON, DE-Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. Oh gosh, that's not good, is it?" said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child's uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother's oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands [...]The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord [...]The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.

The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you've changed. I've tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can't pretend any longer: You're not the man I married. You're significantly [...]The post You're Not The Man I Married-You're Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.

This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador's president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he lacks the humanity" to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don't have the ability to feel [...]The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn't ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to [...]The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn't Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.

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MEDINA, OH-Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn't been home in a few days.Huh, that's weird," said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of [...]The post Report: Wife Hasn't Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a transformative experience," Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he'd gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes.When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I'd found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote appeared first on The Onion.

After months of feeling misunderstood and growing distant from each other, the couple put on a good show this weekend for their family and friends.The post Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center.Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard-I'm not sure he'll ever compete in another Dunkin' race after an [...]The post Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can [...]The post New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive appeared first on The Onion.

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Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son's erratic driving was going to get [them] all killed" was proven right.The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.

SARASOTA, FL-As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and [...]The post Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Bragging that he had forced the world leader into total submission," President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. I said to him, Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,' and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in [...]The post Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.

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HUNTSVILLE, AL-Confirming that the group's long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today, 11-year-olds Lillian and Evan Peltier were safely returned to their home in Chattanooga, TN after an extended 286-day educational [...]The post NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children.People of the world, we call upon you to gaze on our sweet little ones immediately-especially Brandon, who is really cute as a button in his OshKosh B'Gosh," said [...]The post Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children appeared first on The Onion.

EL RENO, OK-Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid's Diner that he only wanted one patty-not two-dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday.Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried a burger with double meat would upset his tender tummy?" said onlooker Miles Friedmont, wondering aloud whether Villarreal was purchasing the [...]The post Dainty Little Man Orders Single Cheeseburger appeared first on The Onion.

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This place is pretty unremarkable, but hey, it's got a wine fridge! That's pretty fun! Don't worry about the foundation! Reference #68903The post It Has A Wine Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Boasting that they were about to become gajillionaires" thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency.Uncle Elon told us all about how crypto works, and now we've built a mining rig that's gonna make us free money!" [...]The post Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency appeared first on The Onion.

LOUISVILLE, KY-Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman's lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star Wars: Episode IV-A New Hope. The 40-year-old logistics coordinator confirmed he had paid the sex worker Misty, as [...]The post Prostitute Falls Asleep During Star Wars' appeared first on The Onion.

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Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win a $25 Visa gift card.The post Mark Rodney appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratchwould henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. Let me be clear: This man, whoattempted to park [...]The post Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building's plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine-healthier, even," said Kennedy, who noted [...]The post RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child. Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she [...]The post Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. I'm just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all [...]The post Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried White Lotus' Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient appeared first on The Onion.

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND-With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestle released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3billion.We're excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks," CEO [...]The post Nestle Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion appeared first on The Onion.