The Onion

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DOYLESTOWN, PA-Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for [...]The post Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes.Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great," Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their [...]The post Stressed Nation Asks Obama If It Can Bum 340 Million Cigarettes appeared first on The Onion.

CEDARBURG, WI-Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. I just don't know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make [...]The post Uninformed Citizen Scrambling To Research Last 2,500 Years Of Democracy Before Voting appeared first on The Onion.

HARRISBURG, PA-Pursing his lips while he examined the I Vorted" sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn't a legitimate polling site. I was headed into the community center, but then this woman out front directed me to the [...]The post Man Wearing I Vorted' Sticker Beginning To Worry That Wasn't Legitimate Polling Place appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending machines. Projections show that by the time polls close, approximately two-thirds of the U.S. electorate will have turned out and, [...]The post Report: High Turnout Traced To Americans Mistakenly Voting On Vending Machine appeared first on The Onion.

The perfect three-bed, one-bath home for six bandmates, your girlfriends, and all your gear. Reference #378314The post Single-Band Home appeared first on The Onion.

MALIBU, CA-Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a Cheez-It on his kitchen floor. Today, I'm calling on the White House to move with swiftness and urgency to provide me [...]The post RFK Jr. Demands Secret Service Protection After Finding Cheez-It On Kitchen Floor appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. Oh, my tummy hurts real bad-definitely shouldn't have had so many, but they looked so good," the 459-pound Don Jr. said [...]The post Morbidly Obese Trump Boys Regret Eating So Many Ballots appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-As part of a public campaign to prevent the state's residents from being turned away at the polls, Georgia officials reminded voters Thursday that they would need to bring two forms of weapon to their voting place in order to intimidate election workers. Access to poll workers will only be guaranteed to those who arrive [...]The post Georgia Officials Remind Voters To Bring 2 Forms Of Weapon To Intimidate Election Workers appeared first on The Onion.

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American voters are approaching the 2024 presidential election with deep unease about what could follow, including the potential for political violence, attempts to overturn the election results, and its broader implications for democracy. What do you think?The post Nation Braces For Potential Post-Election Violence appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Holding their hands up to their mouths and giggling as their eyes darted from side to side, the nation's impish swing voters announced Monday that they had a little surprise in store for everyone. Tee-hee-hee! You'd like to know who we think is the candidate of change in these troubled times, wouldn't you?" said registered [...]The post Nation's Impish Swing Voters Announce They Have Little Surprise In Store appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Forging an unlikely alliance with the dorky" team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight endTravis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him pass NFL concussion protocol.I can do all the physical stuff like balance just fine, but when they get to all those tricky questions like What year is it? What month [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks Nerd For Help Passing Concussion Protocol appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Asserting that the pair had not been close for decades" prior to the financier's death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein was severed after a dispute over dibs on the former president's daughter Ivanka Trump. We had a very good time for many years, but it was unfortunately Ivanka [...]The post Trump Admits Relationship With Epstein Severed After Dispute Over Dibs On Ivanka appeared first on The Onion.

BRYANT POND, ME-Describing the moment as a transformative experience" thatinspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping.One moment I was asleep in bed, and the next, my boxerswere absolutelysoaked with what could only be the urine of [...]The post Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk claimed that if Donald Trump puts him in charge of government efficiency, as planned, he can cut at least $2 trillion" from the current federal budget, saying spending cuts imposed by the commission would necessarily involve some temporary hardship." What do you think?The post Elon Musk Claims Trump Economic Plan Would Cause Hardship appeared first on The Onion.

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BERLIN-In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator's last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Fuhrerbunker. After unearthing the telegraph titled Freunde, es ist Adolf' and dated April 24, 1945 amongst archival files, we quickly realized that the document contained [...]The post Historians Unearth Final Fundraising Telegraph Hitler Sent From Bunker appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be a good time to get into dog fighting. Before, my life was just football, but now I actually have the time, energy, and drive to get into hobbies like canine [...]The post Deshaun Watson Figures Now A Good Time To Get Into Dog Fighting appeared first on The Onion.

More than 250,000 Washington Post readers have canceled their subscriptions since the newspaper announced last week that it would not make an endorsement in the presidential race, with many arguing that owner Jeff Bezos made the decision to safeguard his other business interests. What do you think?The post Washington Post' Loses 250,000 Subscribers Over Decision To End Presidential Endorsements appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to ensure only properly credentialed individuals are allowed to participate in the political franchise, a new law passed Thursday in Indiana requires all women voters to show their husband's ID before they can be issued a ballot. As part of our election integrity program, women must arrive at their polling place with [...]The post New Indiana Law Requires Women Voters To Show Husband's ID appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside a locked White House supply closet. Sources confirmed that while the president received repeated assurances from senior advisorBen LaBolt that he would be right back," the whining has become increasingly [...]The post Biden Whimpering From Inside White House Supply Closet appeared first on The Onion.

The controversial new ad from the Trump campaign openly promises the murder of various political rivals, celebrities, and even a handful of ordinary citizens.The post New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He'll Kill If Elected appeared first on The Onion.

This Tuesday, millions of American citizens will exercise their right to vote. The Onion presents a historical timeline of how voting rights in the U.S. have developed. 1776: Framers grant voting rights to all their boys: Big Jeff, Mikey G., Nick T., Nick P., Skinny Rick, and Timbo. 1920: The suffragettes win the right to [...]The post History Of Voting Rights In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

NORWICH, CT-Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. Trick-or-treater, please!" said Jenkins, holding a large sack open in anticipation, his costume consisting of nothing more than a functioning ankle monitor. Oh cool, a full-size Darth Vader! Can I please [...]The post Pervert Goes Door To Door Asking For Trick-Or-Treaters appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has betrayed him. According to sources, the Welsh corgi's quiet acceptance of his fate [...]The post Dog Looks At Owner Who Put It In Costume Like Mafia Don Betrayed By Loyal Consigliere appeared first on The Onion.

Randy Baker, 43, was momentarily pronounced dead Thursday by a really dumb EMT who apparently has no idea how to take a pulse.The post Randy Baker appeared first on The Onion.

MEHLVILLE, MO-Crossing her state's eastern border into Illinois to find a more distant fire station, Missouri resident Eileen Fayette reportedly opted to surrender her baby in a Safe Haven Baby Box a couple towns over Wednesday so that it wouldn't be able to crawl back. I heard somewhere that as long as your scent is [...]The post Baby Left In Drop Box Couple Towns Over So It Can't Crawl Back appeared first on The Onion.

The newlyweds' ceremony included a memorial table for Michelle's grandmother who recently died upon hearing about the couple's interracial union.The post Michelle Donohoe and Felipe Rojas appeared first on The Onion.

Actor Timothee Chalamet made a surprise appearance at his own lookalike contest in Lower Manhattan, an event that drew hundreds of contestants, though Chalamet himself did not participate. What do you think?The post Timothee Chalamet Crashes Own Lookalike Contest appeared first on The Onion.

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe compared Puerto Rico to a floating island of garbage" at former President Trump's Madison Square Garden rally, drawing backlash from the Harris campaign, Puerto Rican celebrities, and some Republicans. What do you think?The post Comedian At Trump Rally Calls Puerto Rico Floating Island Of Garbage' appeared first on The Onion.

POCATELLO, ID-Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad's gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your mother. Give your mother a hug right now and tell her you're sorry," the report stated in [...]The post Report: Get Back Here And Apologize To Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.

Authentic countryside silo pre-furnished with 550 tons of dried corn. Priced to sell, as the previous owner died of asphyxiation. Reference #829583The post Bucolic Silo appeared first on The Onion.

The White House issued a new executive order aiming to deter migrants by stationing hundreds of socially awkward men at the southern border. Immigration officials believe the men's off-putting demeanor and strained attempts at conversation could curb illegal border crossings by 30%.The post U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U.S. state where they're not welcome. We want to ensure our newest citizens know [...]The post Revised Citizenship Test Requires Immigrants To Name Every U.S. State Where They Not Welcome appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Calling the findings of its comprehensive survey of American workplace practices total bullshit," the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment issued a report Monday concluding that you should be able to retire after, like, six years of working full time. We evaluated the data around current U.S. employment rates, and our research shows [...]The post Report Finds You Should Get To Retire After, Like, 6 Years Working Full-Time Job appeared first on The Onion.

Former President Trump has on multiple occasions praised Adolf Hitler according to John Kelly, his longest-serving White House chief of staff who, in a series of audio interviews, claimed Trump met the definition of a fascist and raised concerns that he would rule like a dictator if elected next month. What do you think?The post Trump Praises Hitler appeared first on The Onion.