The Onion

We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is inconclusive: The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse [...]The post A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron appeared first on The Onion.

After nearly two years, Taylor Swift's Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket sales. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the record-breaking tour. 1.2 million: Parents who only learned at the door that you can't bring water bottles into the venue 113: Average rushing yards per [...]The post Taylor Swift's Eras Tour By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump's future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. Hey everyone, I'm JD, the Christmas elf!" the 40-year-old Ohio senator said in a high-pitched voice, prancing [...]The post JD Vance Forced To Dress As Elf At Mar-A-Lago Christmas Party appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus.According to eyewitnesses, the 3-year-old Old English sheepdog tore through the business district,bumping into the TC Energy Center and whacking over the JPMorgan Chase Tower [...]The post Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline appeared first on The Onion.

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not delivered quickly, then I fear all hope will be lost. Please, we do not have much time. [...]The post Take Me To Your Girlboss appeared first on The Onion.

BENTON HARBOR, MI-Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech suit.Whether you are attempting to make your world-famous blueberry muffins, roll out perfect tagliatelle, or spiralize vegetables for a healthy [...]The post KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit appeared first on The Onion.

LANCASTER, PA-Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked The harvest!' on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. The crops, the crops! Amos, you old Wutz, you've gone and messed everything up again," Yoder was overheard shouting as he hastily [...]The post The Harvest!' Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a huge turnoff. While I want to state that I have nothing but respect for the female troops serving our [...]The post Pete Hegseth Clarifies Women Allowed In Combat Roles But It's A Huge Turnoff appeared first on The Onion.

Whether you're spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper topics can help strengthen your relationships. The Onion shares tips for having more meaningful conversations. Bang a gavel every time someone says something trivial. Put your phone away, unless you're having a conversation with someone over the [...]The post Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations appeared first on The Onion.

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MANASSAS, VA-Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday.It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor," said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, [...]The post Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was from a tree or something" but remained a mystery otherwise.Have you seen this leaf before?" read a post on [...]The post Secretary Of Interior Asks Nation's Help Identifying Leaf appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. Holy shit, they really just went for it, huh?" said local man Derek Allsworth, one of several people who shook their heads in begrudging respect [...]The post Ballsy Retirement Home Has Interracial Couple Right On Front Of Brochure appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. This year, instead of a big blowout with over 83,000 fans, we'll be keeping the guest list down [...]The post NFL Planning Small, Intimate Super Bowl With Friends, Family appeared first on The Onion.

ABILENE, KS-Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller truck.Oh my gosh, I never thought I'd see something like this in my lifetime-honey? Honey, look at what Slingshot is doing," [...]The post Emotional Nation Gathers Outside Main Street TV Store To Watch Monster Truck Land On Smaller Truck appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH-area loser Bill McCraw was patient zero in the national loneliness epidemic.Through extensive contact tracing, we've confirmed the epidemic of loneliness that [...]The post Area Loser Declared Patient Zero In Loneliness Epidemic appeared first on The Onion.

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With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here's how to perform a breast self-exam. Remove your clothes and place them in a safe location so that rambunctious neighbor boys can't steal them and ride away on their bicycles laughing. Beg [...]The post How To Perform A Breast Self-Exam appeared first on The Onion.

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MOSCOW-Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. Which one is better-one or two?" said the former brutal dictator who had imprisoned, tortured, and killed tens of thousands of his own people and was now standing behind a phoropter as [...]The post Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters appeared first on The Onion.

GREENVILLE, NC-Calling it a life-changing" opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. Today, I'm kicking off the Make MrBeast Blink Challenge' and asking all of you to help me learn to finally close [...]The post MrBeast Offers To Give $1Million To First Person Who Can Teach Him To Blink appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down the Zapruder film.Right now Umbrella Man is motioning, and that tells me they're using two firing squads," Rodgers [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film appeared first on The Onion.

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SPRINGFIELD, MO-Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father's worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. Sure, there are positives to having your child play football, but if my son [...]The post More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets appeared first on The Onion.

DAMASCUS-Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation's people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. It's been my family's great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never [...]The post Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern-looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. It's so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world," said local man Gino [...]The post Americans Glad ISIS Defeated Or Something appeared first on The Onion.

President Joe Biden issued a full and unconditional" pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses. 1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on [...]The post Timeline Of Presidential Pardons appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Lamenting that none of the team's starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the franchise's most talentless special teamer. I'm tired of watching all these prima donna receivers and linebackers [...]The post Dad Wishes Whole Roster Played With Intensity, Passion Of Talentless Special Teamer appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a stunning end to the 40-year-old media personality's rise to fame, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Monday that Hilaria Baldwin had been deported to Spain. Baldwin, who is set to star in a new reality series about her family's home life, was reportedly handcuffed at the wrists and ankles as she boarded [...]The post Hilaria Baldwin Deported appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State's potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday.With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will," Gov. Greg Abbott said upon signing the bill, explaining [...]The post Texas Bans Sale Of Luggage To Pregnant Women appeared first on The Onion.

Ryan Walters, Oklahoma's superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares some of the ways schools are changing their curriculum. Updating the periodic table of chemical elements to include [...]The post How Oklahoma Schools Are Incorporating The Bible Into Curriculum appeared first on The Onion.

PARIS-After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again," said French President Emmanuel Macron, who credited the 2,000 masons, glassblowers, carpenters, and other craftspeople who worked on the UNESCO World Heritage [...]The post Notre-Dame Reopened To Fire appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. Just charge us full price, goddammit," said Peter Nguyen, 43, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he opened his wallet, removed a [...]The post Nation Tires Of Deals, Bargains appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Clearing their throats as the vice president-elect knocked on the door of the Mar-a-Lago conference room and poked his head inside, members of the presidential transition team reportedly rolled their eyes Friday and allowed JD Vance to pull a low folding chair up to a corner of the table. Hey everyone, JD is [...]The post Low Folding Chair Pulled Up To Corner Of Mar-A-Lago Conference Table For JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around the world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this week for dropping the original work's group dance scene ending. Homer's decision to close his epic poem with a blowout ensemble dance number is essential to the story of Odysseus' journey, and any adaptation that omits [...]The post New Odyssey' Adaptation Criticized For Dropping Original's Group Dance Scene Ending appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers' testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother always lies, and one always tells the truth. Oh jeez, this is tough, and to make it even worse, they say I [...]The post Judge Delays Decision After Learning One Menendez Brother Always Lies, One Always Tells The Truth appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his biological father was being worked on. This one's seen better days, but he's super dependable and should [...]The post Hospital Sends Man Home With Loaner Dad While His Worked On appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump pledged to fulfill his campaign promise of removing millions of undocumented immigrants in a record-setting deportation operation." Here is the incoming administration's plan for carrying out mass deportation. Redirect immigration applicants to a travel blog called 50 Things To Do In Equatorial Guinea." Trigger the trapdoor under Arizona. Check millions of migrants' [...]The post How The Trump Administration Will Carry Out Mass Deportation appeared first on The Onion.

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