The Onion

WASHINGTON-Condemning what he described as the disturbing and unjust treatment of the group, President Donald Trump granted refugee status this week to former SS guards. The discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sick-they're literally hunting them down," said Trump, who greeted the small group of centenarians on the tarmac at Dulles International Airport and [...]The post Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles. The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly [...]The post U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Deftly jumping into the arena's octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighter's attention away from his fallen competitor.The lighthearted performer known as Boxo, who was dressed in brightly colored clothing with his face painted into a frown, reportedly sprang into action and began [...]The post UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-With the rest of the family looking on tensely as the conversation grew heated, local parents James and Denise Sweeney were reportedly bickering Tuesday over whether they had seen The Bear.We watched one episode and decided it wasn't for us, remember?" said James Sweeney, who vehemently refuted his wife Denise's statement that she would [...]The post Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether They've Seen The Bear' appeared first on The Onion.

Studies have shown that creating a neat and organized living space can reduce stress and improve mental well-being. The Onion provides helpful guidance for decluttering your home. Lure Marie Kondo into your home using an evenly spaced trail of sensible storage solutions. Assess if you really need 8,000 terracotta soldiers in your tomb. Call some [...]The post Strategies For Decluttering appeared first on The Onion.

It's happily ever after for Abbott and Stephens, who wed in a farmhouse upstate right where they usually do the chicken sexing.The post Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens appeared first on The Onion.

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I've loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now I'm thinking about boycotting movies altogether. Why? Because I can't seem to watch one anymore without [...]The post You Can't Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored appeared first on The Onion.

EUSTIS, ME-With a banner that read We're All You've Got!" hanging above its entrance, local disgusting restaurant Lenny's Diner celebrated 30 years as a small town's only option, sources reported Monday.Since 1995, it has been our honor to serve the vilest food imaginable to a community that has no alternative," read a letter that had [...]The post Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Town's Only Option appeared first on The Onion.

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This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845The post Turn-Key Stunner appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean Diddy" Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and [...]The post Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Promising his podcast listeners an engaging and enlightening conversation, California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly sat down Tuesday with a serial killer who targets the homeless population. So what do you think Democrats can learn from somebody who, like you, targets the most vulnerable among us?" said Newsom, who acknowledged that while he and the [...]The post Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA CLARA, CA-Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by having a baby. The week-old infant, who along with the affair has been kept hidden [...]The post Baby Saves Affair appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children.Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor," Gov. [...]The post Texas Bans Being Different Around Children appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck acting.I am so proud to stand on this stage tonight as we recognize this brilliant performer for his commitment to the [...]The post Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting appeared first on The Onion.

The couple tied the knot Saturday in the most unique ceremony that their tragically basic tastes would allow.The post Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI-Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. Why can't bribing the president be as straightforward as [...]The post Man Can't Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President appeared first on The Onion.

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Starbase, home to SpaceX's private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head straight to the Starbase Visitor Center, where you can book tours, buy souvenirs, and pick up [...]The post 48 Hours In Starbase appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Evaluating whether top college talent like Ace Bailey, Dylan Harper, and Kasparas Jakuionis can actually clean up on a professional level, the NBA Draft Combine started this week by testing how well prospects direct-message models on Instagram. Sometimes these players' messages look good on paper, or they're showing off on Instagram Reels, but then you [...]The post NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram appeared first on The Onion.

MEXICO CITY-In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking linguistic survey of resorts, beaches, and other tourist hotspots, a new report published Wednesday by a consortium of language experts across Mexico found that vacationing sources habla un poquito de espanol.According to the data we collected, American-born subjects were eager to tell researchers that they no [...]The post New Report Finds Vacationing Sources Habla Un Poquito De Espanol appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Appearing nervous as he acknowledged that he had concealed the truth from his fiancee for far too long, actor Tom Holland confided to reporters Thursday that he was working up the courage to tell Zendaya he was only 17.Oh man, I think I'm in over my head-when we go to get our marriage license, [...]The post Tom Holland Working Up Courage To Tell Zendaya He Only 17 appeared first on The Onion.

Sort of a perk, right? Okay, sure, you and Jeff aren't that close these days, but in theory it might be nice to see him more often. He could, like, come over for beers in the garage sometimes. Reference #34675The post Close To Jeff appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the dream of owning a glass-domed apartment on the bottom of the ocean overlooking a vibrant coral reef [...]The post Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows appeared first on The Onion.

STARBASE, TX-Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. Out of my fucking way, short stuff-geniuses first!" the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke [...]The post Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses appeared first on The Onion.

DANBURY, CT-Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device's performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan's leg. Look at this thing go-didn't even hiccup gliding through all that tibia!" Hoyer said as he wiped a streak of blood from [...]The post Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son's Leg appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is [...]The post Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV's election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters this week He had lost $400 betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out My savings," said the visibly frustrated deity, groaning that He [...]The post God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle appeared first on The Onion.

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TORONTO-Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope everybody gets along," said the 33-year-old, confessing that it had been quite some time since he had brought a [...]The post Nervous Man Introduces Date To His Hives appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO-In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. While excavating an area around the Valley of the Kings, we were able to unearth tombs containing artifacts that appear to date from a long-forgotten and groan-inducing [...]The post Archaeologists Uncover Embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly Dynasty appeared first on The Onion.

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