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by The Onion Staff on (#6V9HR)
CLEVELAND-Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported Friday. Oh, come on, clearly that thing isn't a reptile-it doesn't even have scales!" said Cronin, who added that he wasn't [...]The post Reptile Handler At Birthday Party Ruthlessly Heckled By 6-Year-Old For Showing Amphibian appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 18:04 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6V94M)
The skyrocketing price of eggs have caused some shoppers to consider keeping their own backyard laying hens, though experts say there are drawbacks that may make starting a chicken coop more expensive than many believe. What do you think?The post Rising Egg Prices Prompt More Americans To Raise Chickens In Backyard appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6V921)
Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis back within three to five business days. MYTH: Gonorrhea and chlamydia cancel each other out. FACT: Gonorrhea beats [...]The post STIs: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V8VJ)
BOSTON-Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn't be mad at him. Ah, man, I don't want SnackWorks.com to think I'm uptight-accepting these cookies seems like a [...]The post Man Allows All Cookies So Website Won't Be Mad At Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V8RG)
SPARTA, OH-Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies' life that is not currently giving him cancer,sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil is reportedly not leaching toxic chemicals into his body that [...]The post Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man's Life That Not Giving Him Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V8RF)
The post Elon Musk Humps Nuclear Football appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V867)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkin', due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria. What do you think?The post Dunkin' Pastries Included In Massive Recall appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V868)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. This is a very important opportunity for me, and as such I'm willing to put forward considerable capital towards procuring just a modicum of [...]The post Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V83N)
President Donald Trump directed the Treasury Department to stop minting new pennies, citing the rising cost of producing the one-cent coin. What do you think?The post Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Minting Pennies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V80C)
HARTFORD, CT-Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. Man, my stomach has been growling for so long that I seriously think I could crush a whole orange [...]The post Man So Hungry He Could Eat An Orange appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V80D)
LOS ANGELES-Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also has violet eyes," said the 47-year-old business magnate, who added that on top of his intensive [...]The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Put In Purple Contact Lenses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V80E)
ARLINGTON, TX-In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. I'm over the moon to have reached a compromise that will let me to stay amongst the living through [...]The post Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V7A8)
The post GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V77J)
CHICAGO-As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus can't stop thinking about you either. According to witnesses, it might surprise you, but the severely injured man whose face has been frozen [...]The post Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Can't Stop Thinking About You Either appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V77K)
WASHINGTON-In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well. Everyday Americans want to know how exactly wind power is going to serve our community, and many [...]The post Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V77M)
The post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V77N)
PHILADELPHIA-With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed Tuesday. A state of placidity reportedly washed over Eagles fans following the 40-22 win over the Kansas City Chiefs, [...]The post Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V77P)
WASHINGTON-Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk's hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. Records indicate that a hair restoration specialist received top secret security clearance despite having no pertinent qualifications or experience beyond performing hair-plug procedures on [...]The post Investigation Finds Elon Musk's Hair-Plug Guy Given Highest Security Clearance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V71H)
ST. GEORGE, UT-With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. In my blinded state, I must rely on my other senses if I'm ever going to eat this [...]The post Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V6GZ)
PHILADELPHIA-Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city's hungover residents. We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this hungover without stepping in to feed them the greasy starches they so desperately need," said a volunteer from the U.N. who [...]The post Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City's Hungover Residents appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V6BJ)
Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is not worse than whiskey" and that it's only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think?The post Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6V689)
An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has killed over 100 million chickens. FACT: The chickens were struck down by [...]The post Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6V68A)
Researchers in Australia said that they have for the first time successfully produced kangaroo embryos through in-vitro fertilization, a breakthrough that may help save endangered species from extinction. What do you think?The post Kangaroo Embryo Produced Through IVF For First Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V68B)
ZANESVILLE, OH-Smugly muttering watch and learn" as he opened his Chase app and pressed the pay balance" button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. Well, well, well-looks like I did make my payments this month," said Garett, who rubbed his hands [...]The post Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V68C)
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR-Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of one of the world's largest prisons in El Salvador. Uh, guys, I think there's [...]The post Lock Clicks Behind Marco Rubio During Tour Of Salvadoran Prison Cell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5WP)
NEW ORLEANS-Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, I hate all of you, fuck you." It's sad to think how much greater the Eagles' legacy would be if it didn't have a worthless fanbase filled with such [...]The post Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: I Hate All Of You, Fuck You' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VE)
NEW ORLEANS-Reportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action Sunday and shielded President Donald Trump from an incoming Brittany Mahomes. We are trained to identify excruciating conversations from insufferable people before they occur and take whatever action is necessary to prevent them from reaching the president," [...]The post Heroic Secret Service Agent Shields Trump From Brittany Mahomes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VD)
NEW ORLEANS-Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days. These young kids act like they can grope, but us old dogs really knew how to fondle," said Trump, describing [...]The post Trump Regales Jackson Mahomes With Tales Of His Old Groping Days appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VH)
NEW ORLEANS-In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide family-friendly entertainment" for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar's entire Super Bowl halftime show. Our decision to mute all of Mr. Lamar's lyrics was prompted by their incendiary subject matter, which we determined was unbefitting of our broadcast," said Fox [...]The post Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VG)
The post Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called Ham Plinkies' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VF)
The post Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VK)
The post Man Hangs Arm Off Couch For Rest Of Game Instead Of Washing Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5VJ)
The post Eagles Score On 99-Yard Tush Push appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5SW)
The post Trump Asks Which One The Ball appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5SY)
NEW ORLEANS-Revealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had fractured the world into an infinite number of multiverses in which the Eagles win, the Eagles lose, the Earth explodes, and countless other possibilities. Put simply, the moment this silver [...]The post Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5SX)
The post Andy Reid Removes Bald Cap for National Anthem appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V5M5)
NEW ORLEANS-Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their Fight Bigotry" jockstraps at the Super Bowl. Trust us, when you tune into tonight's game, the groins of players will continue to proudly represent the ongoing battle against systemic racism," [...]The post NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear Fight Bigotry' Jockstraps appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V4S0)
Senator Mitch McConnell fell twice and was escorted out of the Capitol in a wheelchair as a precautionary measure, one of multiple health issues the former majority leader has had in recent years. What do you think?The post Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol In Wheelchair After Fall appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6V4PQ)
Fresh off five wins at the Grammys, rapper Kendrick Lamar will headline Super Bowl LIX's halftime show this Sunday. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Calabasas, CA Genre: Grammy rap Favorite Instrument: Mouth Childhood Pen Pal: Aubrey Graham of Toronto Biggest Fear: Confrontation Biggest Fan: Drake's lawyer Conservative Turn: 2027 [...]The post Artist Profile: Kendrick Lamar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V4E7)
BALTIMORE-Mutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a Google Doodle bore silent witness to local man Daniel Thornstein's search for Zootopia porn, sources reported Friday. Harriet Boyd Hawes, an early 20th-century American archaeologist known for her groundbreaking work in Aegean antiquities, reportedly looked on wordlessly [...]The post Pioneering Female Archaeologist In Google Doodle Bears Silent Witness To Man's Search For Zootopia' Porn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V4E6)
WASHINGTON-Trying to figure out if he had a third brother he forgot about or if Don Jr. had just lost some weight, President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to remember how he was related to Elon Musk. I know that if he's this high up in my organization this Elon guy must be related [...]The post Trump Struggling To Remember How He Related To Elon Musk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3Y7)
President Trump declared that the United States should seize control of Gaza and permanently displace the entire Palestinian population of the devastated seaside enclave, one of the most brazen ideas that any American leader has advanced in years. What do you think?The post Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover Of Gaza appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3VE)
WASHINGTON-Rebuking President Trump's decision to pardon Jan. 6 rioters, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) staunchly vowed this week to continue falling down stairs in the face of an apparent fascist takeover. I can no longer physically stand upright for a party that excuses a violent insurrection that targeted our Capitol," the 82-year-old lawmaker said as he [...]The post Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3VF)
NEW YORK-Issuing a categorical denial of the accusations, NBC producers announced Thursday there was absolutely no usage of artificial intelligence in the new series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show. At NBC, we are passionate about storytelling, and the truth is that machine learning isn't capable of bringing tolife vibrant characters like Jim Jack [...]The post NBC Producers Deny Using AI In New Series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3VG)
The Sims, which has sold nearly 200 million copies, celebrates its 25th anniversary this February. In honor of the video game franchise, The Onion looks back at its key milestones. 1977: Will Wright gets a great idea for a video game while watching a family burn to death in their home. 1989: SimCity, the game's [...]The post The Sims' Turns 25 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3HY)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that the waterway will now be called the America Canal, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the Panama Canal would be relocated to U.S. soil. Our beautiful system of channels and locks is finally coming home, folks!" said Trump in a Truth Social post before signing an executive order directing American personnel to airlift [...]The post Trump Announces U.S. Will Relocate Panama Canal To American Soil appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3HX)
WASHINGTON-Whining that they were being discriminated against even though they were the bestest sons ever in the whole wide world," the Trump Boys attempted Thursday to convince their father that Barron was getting unfair advantages because he was a DEI. Daddy, Barron is ruining our lives because he's different," said a pouting Donald Jr., who [...]The post Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V3HW)
The post Melania Trump Holds Paint Swatches Up Against Bellowing Void appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V30E)
WASHINGTON-Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that it was enacting a ban on unlikely animal friendships, effective immediately. Starting today, any animal found frolicking or snuggling with an animal of another species-for example, a chimp cuddling a puppy or a magpie preening a pig-is [...]The post Department Of Interior Bans Unlikely Animal Friendships appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6V2TA)
According to a new study, cognitively normal human brain samples collected at autopsy in early 2024 contained more tiny shards of plastic than samples collected eight years prior, with the average containing the equivalent of an entire standard plastic spoon. What do you think?The post Study Finds Human Brain Contains Entire Spoon's Worth Of Nanoplastics appeared first on The Onion.
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