The Onion

VATICAN CITY-Saying the effort could bring the Lord's message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. The church teaches that God's glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering [...]The post Vatican Dispatches Micro-Missionaries On First-Ever Trip To Convert Native Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, NJ-Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from agonizing hysteria," said Victoria Holmes, a spokesperson for Tylenol parent company Kenvue, adding that it was already the No. 1 doctor-recommended piece [...]The post Tylenol Introduces New Extra-Strength Fainting Couch For Feverish Women appeared first on The Onion.

An 81-year-old man will soon be sentenced in federal court after he pleaded guilty to creating an illegal hybrid sheep breed he called the Montana Mountain King," for the purpose of trophy hunting on his ranch. What do you think?The post Montana Man Faces Sentencing For Cloning Giant Sheep For Trophy Hunting appeared first on The Onion.

Throughout its venerable 268-year reign,The Onionhas always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution's highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country's long [...]The post The Onion' Officially Endorses Joe Biden For President appeared first on The Onion.

RICHARDSON, TX-In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant wives. Over the 9 months a woman carries a child, her body will change a lot, making it [...]The post Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife appeared first on The Onion.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA-Following the conclusion of her 18-month hiatus from music, pop star Sabrina Carpenter confirmed Wednesday that she had completed her mandatory South Korean military service. It was the honor of a lifetime to do my patriotic duty by serving in the Republic of Korea's armed forces, but I'm looking forward to my next [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Completes Mandatory Service In South Korean Military appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero idea what school the Colorado Buffaloes play for. Look, my job is to devote my full attention to making sure the offense puts points on the scoreboard and the defense [...]The post Deion Sanders Admits He Has No Idea What School Colorado Buffaloes Play For appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Cursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial break. Seriously? For what I paid for this thing, it should work flawlessly," said the billionaire investor, striding confidently past [...]The post Peter Thiel Rushes To Restart Glitching J.D. Vance During Commercial Break appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-During Tuesday's debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon," an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two eyes. Him there! I saw that man and his Chinese communist brethren intoning words from Das Kapital [...]The post J.D. Vance: I Saw Tim Walz Cavorting With The Ghost Of Karl Marx Beneath A Blood-Red Moon' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday's vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. There are hundreds of people from Haiti pouring across our border every day with the express purpose of provoking me into [...]The post J.D. Vance Claims Haitian Immigrants Coming Into This Country To Make Him Look Stupid appeared first on The Onion.

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A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think?The post Scientists Sequence DNA From 3,600-Year-Old Cheese appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT-Though the man is met with little more than polite smiles and indifferent nods as he brings his dog around from cubicle to cubicle, sources at Patterson Technologies confirmed Tuesday that employee Kyle Lutz thinks his 2-year-old terrier mix is the office's mascot. Everyone loves it when I bring Comet into work, and in [...]The post Man Thinks His Dog Is Office Mascot appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Sipping a fifth cup of coffee as the sun rose on the day of his big debate, Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz confirmed this morning he had stayed up all night making a shoe-box diorama of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Still needs a few finishing touches on the weather effects, but I [...]The post Tim Walz Stays Up All Night Making Shoe-Box Diorama Of Washington Crossing The Delaware appeared first on The Onion.

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TYLER, TX-Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. With the big game coming up, I'm putting in the hours on this tire and making sure I'm prepared to remove any metallic [...]The post High School Quarterback Using Tire Swing To Practice Putting Head Through CT Scanner appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Gawking at the widespread destruction caused by Hurricane Helene across much of the southeastern United States, the Federal Emergency Management Agency issued a statement Monday announcing, Damn, that's crazy." So much water, dude," said administrator Deanne Criswell, who uploaded a YouTube compilation of flooding in the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida to the homepage of FEMA.gov [...]The post Damn, That's Crazy,' Announces FEMA In Statement appeared first on The Onion.

Following price hikes made at Netflix and Max earlier this year, Disney will be increasing subscription costs for Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+ beginning Oct. 17. The Onion shares tips for saving money on streaming.The post Tips For Cutting Back On Streaming Subscriptions appeared first on The Onion.

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SANTA CLARITA, CA-Staring down at the text message in horror andrealizing that he had been brilliantly outplayed, local man Jonathan Garner told reporters Monday that his friend had set an inescapable social trap by proposing three possible dates to hang out. Goddamn it, he got me-how am I supposed to get out of grabbing drinks [...]The post Friend Sets Inescapable Social Trap With 3 Possible Dates To Hang Out appeared first on The Onion.

ACTON, MA-Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. Look at those rubes just inching along like a funeral procession while this lane's zipping past 'em like the Indy 500," the report [...]The post Report: Cars In Other Lane All Suckers appeared first on The Onion.

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has been indicted on five federal charges related to bribery, wire fraud, conspiracy, and soliciting campaign contributions from foreign nationals, with the unsealed indictment alleging illegal actions stretching back to 2014 when he was Brooklyn Borough president. What do you think?The post Eric Adams Indicted On Federal Corruption Charges appeared first on The Onion.

SI RACHA, THAILAND-Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. I've sacrificed everything to get where I am-everything-but it will disappear in an instant if some plucky upstart [...]The post Moo Deng Worried Chubbier, Feistier Pygmy Hippo Coming To Take This All Away appeared first on The Onion.

The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients' faces look frozen. FACT: The majority of Botox patients can easily move their face around with the help of their fingers MYTH: Botox is painful. [...]The post Botox: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-Admitting they had not been keeping up on recent news about the venerable British actress, PBS officials told reporters Friday that they already had a Maggie Smith-themed marathon planned for today. Yes, we have been receiving quite a few messages about our regularly scheduled Weekend Of Dame Maggie marathon," said PBS spokeswoman Sandra Ryan, [...]The post PBS Already Had Maggie Smith Marathon Scheduled For Today appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-Breezing past security in the guise of a musician and entering the ballroom where his target was attending a cocktail party, area hit man Don Meston reportedly opened a guitar case Friday in which he had concealed the guitar he planned to beat his victim's ass with. There were guards out front, but I [...]The post Hit Man Opens Guitar Case Concealing Guitar He Going To Beat Target's Ass With appeared first on The Onion.

BAKERSFIELD, VT-Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. So was everything okay with your holy revelation? I'll probably head back to heaven soon if that's it-just a reminder that my name [...]The post Archangel Hangs Around After Delivering Message Hoping For Tip appeared first on The Onion.

WALKER, MI-Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs. He started out with some sheet music, but within minutes he was just hammering [...]The post Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songs appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Erratically waving a pistol as he declared himself a mayor with nothing left to lose, a panicked Eric Adams took multiple hostages Thursday at New York City Hall, according to reports from inside the building. I don't want to hurt any of you, but I also need everybody to be smart and not try [...]The post Panicked Eric Adams Takes City Hall Employees Hostage appeared first on The Onion.

The state of Missouri executed Marcellus Williams shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected a request for a delay, forging ahead despite forensics experts determining that he was not the source of DNA found on the knife used in the murder. What do you think?The post Missouri Executes Man Despite Questions About Evidence appeared first on The Onion.

This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United States. 1788: The forward-thinking founding fathers preemptively crack down on socialist subversion by banning The [...]The post Timeline Of Book Bans In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

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MANCHESTER, NH-Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person in his family to go to bed, sources confirmed Thursday. When my family first came to this country, none of them ever had the opportunity to go to bed, it [...]The post Man Becomes First In His Family To Go To Bed appeared first on The Onion.

HARTFORD, CT-Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand on the small of student Ellie Cruz's back Thursday, but in the parking lot. It's okay to get a little tense, but don't resist too much because that's how you [...]The post Yoga Teacher Puts Hand On Small Of Student's Back, But In Parking Lot appeared first on The Onion.

ROME-In a discovery shedding light on the earliest days of God's only son, biblical scholars revealed Wednesday that Mary stole the idea for Jesus' baby name from her best friend. According to some newly unearthed records from the time, we can confirm with some amount of certainty that Mary actually got the idea for the [...]The post Biblical Scholars Say Mary Stole Idea For Jesus' Baby Name From Friend appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After paramedics used a scalpel to open an airway and keep him from asphyxiating en route to the hospital, President Joe Biden was reportedly rushed into surgery at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday to remove a sock that had become lodged in his throat after he tried to eat it. While it's [...]The post Biden Rushed Into Surgery After Eating Sock appeared first on The Onion.

ALEXANDRIA, VA-Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. Hang on, there's no need to go looking high and low for the can opener-I've got this covered right here," said the [...]The post Dad Insists On Using Pocketknife To Open Can Of Chili appeared first on The Onion.

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Three Mile Island, the scene of the worst commercial nuclear accident in U.S. history, will reopen to power Microsoft's data centers, which are responsible for powering the tech giant's cloud computing and artificial intelligence programs. What do you think?The post Three Mile Island Nuclear Plant To Reopen To Power Microsoft Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.

CONCORD, NH-Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other's closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of various oils. Now peanut oil, that's fine to 440, maybe 445 on a good day," said Parker's friend [...]The post Dad And His Friends Just Standing In Yard Listing Smoke Points Of Various Oils appeared first on The Onion.

READING, PA-Pushing back the order's previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery-now I've got [...]The post Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Men appeared first on The Onion.