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by The Onion Staff on (#6T8DT)
NORFOLK, VA-In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man's verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman's cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended family over the holidays. As far as any of us could tell, Mark didn't know [...]The post Cousin's Husband Says First Word appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-18 06:03 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6T8DS)
A new Pew Research poll found that 57% of adults said they would prefer to live in a community with larger houses, even if schools, stores and restaurants are several miles away. What do you think?The post Majority Of Americans Prefer Sprawl To Walkable Cities appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W0)
Three years after it first premiered, Squid Game is returning to Netflix. Here is what you need to know about the second season of the hit dystopian drama. Q: When is it coming out? A: At the exact moment when you get kicked off your ex's Netflix account. Q: Will this season also require audiences [...]The post What To Know About Squid Game' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W1)
CHICAGO-Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends. Oh yeah, it's so fantastic how the images moved and there was audio and [...]The post Man Lies About Having Seen Any Movies At All To Impress Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W2)
Despite a federal program designed to clear backlogs of DNA evidence from rape cases, state and local officials around the country chose not to test about 20% of kits and secured few convictions from those that were analyzed. What do you think?The post 20% Of Rape Kits Remain Untested Despite Federal Funding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W3)
MINNEAPOLIS-Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. Good luck getting back in shape, idiots-you'll never figure out how to use all these pulleys," said fitness director Kyle Cates, who showed off the newly renovated cardio floor where the [...]The post Gym Installs Confusing New Equipment To Mess With Anyone Joining In January appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7S9)
Wisdom, a Laysan albatross and the world's oldest known wild bird, laid an egg at the approximate age of 74, a feat given that members of the species usually only live for 12-40 years. What do you think?The post World's Oldest Known Wild Bird Lays Egg At 74 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7W4)
The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by announcing I'm gonna do a backflip" as soon as you arrive. Buy whatever supplement the doctors with podcasts are currently [...]The post Tips For Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T7EG)
The post 48-Year-Old Rabbit Finally Finishes The Job appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T6RV)
The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on transition-related care. What do you think?The post Britain Bans Puberty Blockers For Transgender Minors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T65Y)
VATICAN CITY-Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter's Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. You can't walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a [...]The post Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T65X)
An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think?The post Mysterious Illness In Congo Kills Dozens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T65W)
The post Arthritic Dog Limping Through Park Like AT-AT appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T5MF)
WASHINGTON-Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the [...]The post SurgeonGeneral: You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T5ME)
A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to attack others with the chainsaw. What do you think?The post Chainsaw-Wielding Man Shot By Officers At Assisted Living Center appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6T596)
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does not specify that the House Speaker must be a member of the chamber. What do [...]The post Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T597)
Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You" turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey's career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. [...]The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T56R)
CHARLOTTE, NC-After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed [...]The post Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T56Q)
LEAWOOD, KS-Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excitedTravisKelcereportedly surprised girlfriendTaylorSwiftWednesday by handing awrapped,football-shapedgift to the pop super star.Here you go, babe," said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the oblong, sloppily wrappedpackage. A special Christmas present, just for my sweetheart. I think you're really [...]The post TravisKelceExcitedlyHandsTaylorSwiftWrappedFootball-ShapedGift appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T4V8)
An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they'd like to steal themselves. Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won't pick them up either. Employ a [...]The post Tips For Preventing Package Theft appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T4C5)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of [...]The post Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T3ZX)
LAS VEGAS-Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus' sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled fairy dust" that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. We're excited that on [...]The post Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled Fairy Dust' His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T3ZW)
Scientists have for the first time created mouse stem cells from the genes of a single-celled life form, using these newly generated stem cells to help form a living, breathing mouse from a developing embryo. What do you think?The post Scientists Create Mouse Using Single-Celled Organism appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2VE)
Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children's demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you [...]The post Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2MF)
Pete Hegseth, Trump's pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee's background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho [...]The post Political Profile: Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2HQ)
First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think?The post Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6T2HR)
Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia's Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking credit in the most high-profile killing of its kind. What do you think?The post Top Russian General Killed By Bomb appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EJ)
Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale Jeanstea!) who would like change to chill out [...]The post AI? Ai-Yai-Yai! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EM)
MILWAUKEE-Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend's name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend's mom. At first I thought maybe Jessica' was just the brand name of the stocking, but [...]The post Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend's Name Still Visible On Stocking appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T2EK)
CLEVELAND-Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this.Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?" said one source, who leaned [...]The post BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T1ZP)
MINNEAPOLIS-Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. Nothing will stick-the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey's kisses-they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me," said Renton, who stared [...]The post Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T1X7)
The post Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T1KS)
CHICAGO-Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University's medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by [...]The post Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T1KR)
NEW YORK-NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules.Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any [...]The post NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T1KQ)
CHARLOTTE, NC-Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. It's crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they [...]The post Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T141)
BOSTON-Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, localbaldmanFrank Richmond reportedly pressed hisfaceto awindowWednesday as athick-hairedfamilyinside satdowntodinner. They all seem so happy," said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind [...]The post Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T0QJ)
Mysterious drones have been hovering in the skies above New Jersey and other states in the Northeast for weeks, alarming residents and prompting lawmakers to demand answers. What do you think?The post Mysterious Drones Spotted Over New Jersey appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T0QK)
WASHINGTON-Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the [...]The post Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T0QM)
NEW YORK-Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk.When I'm working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take [...]The post CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T08M)
ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump's presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos' inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping writer E. Jean Carroll. What do you think?The post ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T060)
The post Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6T032)
THE HEAVENS-Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one's here we can get rid of them," said the Creator of the Universe, [...]The post God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZXF)
WASHINGTON-Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation's Emergency Alert System.This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, [...]The post FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZGV)
MADISON, WI-In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZCB)
LEXINGTON, KY-Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole sleeve still ahead of you," said Dewey, appearing wistful as he [...]The post Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZ6Q)
Mufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters Dec. 20. Here's what you need to know about the newest Disney film. Q: What can fans expect to learn about Mufasa's backstory? A: That before he was a big adult lion, he was a small child [...]The post What To Know About Mufasa: The Lion King' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZ3W)
LOS ANGELES-Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife's name.I'd just keep saying babe,' but I think she's starting to catch on," said Bieber, who admitted that he had zero clue" whether the woman he had been married to for [...]The post Justin Bieber Forgets Wife's Name appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SZ3V)
Meta, the social media giant that owns Facebook and Instagram, donated $1 million to President-elect Donald Trump's inaugural fund as the company tries to mend fences ahead of a second administration that could oversee major social media regulations. What do you think?The post Meta Donates $1 Million To Trump Inauguration appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6SY34)
President Joe Biden commuted the sentences of roughly 1,500 people who were released from prison and placed on home confinement during the coronavirus pandemic, while also pardoning 39 Americans convicted of nonviolent crimes in the largest single-day act of clemency in modern history. What do you think?The post Biden Commutes 1,500 Prison Sentences appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6SXM8)
We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is inconclusive: The InfoWars assets remain in limbo. Everything is now in doubt and everyone is worse [...]The post A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron appeared first on The Onion.
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