The Onion

KOHLER, WI-Rushing out a statement to reaffirm the executive's love and respect for the company's signature plumbing product, Kohler was reportedly doing damage control Tuesday after CEO K. David Kohler admitted to the press that he never uses toilets. David wouldn't be in this business if he didn't believe in toilets," said Kohler assistant director [...]The post Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets appeared first on The Onion.

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PORTLAND, OR-Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn't work on him. I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb [...]The post Advertising Doesn't Work On Me,' Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 filmTwisterwas airing on TNT. IfTwisteris playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads Emergency Warning: [...]The post New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever Twister' Airing On TNT appeared first on The Onion.

VAN NUYS, CA-Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush's window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw Eddy in the rain with the original frontman ofGenesisheld high above his head, my [...]The post Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush's Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He's a pop artist," the [...]The post Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai appeared first on The Onion.

Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73.The post Kevin Hagstetter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the plan it went ahead with as absolutely toothless" by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, [...]The post DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. I've kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know [...]The post Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trumpinvited theWNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to the White House on Thursday. Today, we celebrate these hard working Indiana Fever fans who sat within earshot of Angel Reese and yelled racial insults as loudly as they could," [...]The post Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Proclaiming that he had done enough," billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. I've accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father-spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline-and now I can spend more time focusing on other things," said Musk, who told reporters that after [...]The post Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood appeared first on The Onion.

BANGKOK-Taking a moment to reflect on the ways in which his time abroad had expanded his horizons, Cleveland native Dan Steifel told reporters Thursday his trip to Asia had given him an entirely new understanding of how soup could be breakfast. Wow, I finally see how ignorant I've been my whole life," said Steifel, adding [...]The post Trip To Asia Gives Man New Understanding Of How Soup Can Be Breakfast appeared first on The Onion.

ATHENS, OH-Making a comprehensive determination about her patient almost instantaneously, no-nonsense nurse Mary-Jo McMann was reportedly able to complete a patient's entire medical chart Thursday after pinching her arm flab once. I had barely gotten into the examination room when she grabs a chunk of my arm between her thumb and forefinger and is immediately [...]The post No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once appeared first on The Onion.

If these newlyweds seriously think they can brush over the fact that they met during Patrick's first marriage with a vague reference to ups and downs," they've got another thing coming.The post Patrick Wood and Helen Shaw appeared first on The Onion.

A Lufthansa flight with 205 people on board went without a pilot for 10 minutes last year after the copilot fainted while he was alone in the cockpit. What do you think?The post Flight Flies Without Pilot For 10 Minutes After Copilot Faints appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Moved by the animal's unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. What a unique bond they must have had," said Janice Meyer, a neighbor of the deceased, explaining how the faithful dog had sat attentively on the blood-splattered [...]The post Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner appeared first on The Onion.

LIBERTY, MO-After reading aloud a picture book about a puppy that works in a coal mine, local first grade teacher Brianna Montgomery asked her students Thursday what they want to be once child labor laws are repealed. I want everyone to grab some crayons and draw a picture of what you want to be once [...]The post Teacher Asks What First Graders Want To Be Once Child Labor Laws Repealed appeared first on The Onion.

This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845The post Sure, If You're An Unoriginal Hack appeared first on The Onion.

Nadia Zafirovski, 35, died in what was surely a coincidence Friday when she was struck by lightning while violently shaking her fist at the sky and cursing the name of Thor.The post Nadia Zafirovski appeared first on The Onion.

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ORLANDO, FL-Emphasizing that it's just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying I love you" even if you don't mean it.It can be stressful when a significant other prompts you to verbalize your affection, but if you immediately say I love you,' you can [...]The post Relationship Experts Recommend Saying I Love You' Even If You Don't Mean It appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. Unlike my old crown, this silicone one hugs my head perfectly without digging into my forehead or smushing down my hair," said [...]The post King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom had dated for 25 years prior to their wedding Saturday, so God knows what inspired them to get married now.The post Anna Rialto and Sean Walter appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling for a major investigation into her husband's son and daughter from a previous marriage, President Donald Trump leveled allegations Tuesday in which he accused Kamala Harris of paying for her stepchildren's endorsement in the 2024 presidential election. How much money did Kamala give the Emhoff kids to support her during her campaign for president?" [...]The post Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Paying For Stepchildren's Endorsement appeared first on The Onion.

SILVER SPRING, MD-In the aftermath of the deadly storms that ripped through the central United States over the weekend, the National Weather Service confirmed Monday that due to critical staffing shortages, the agency was still weeks away from issuing a tornado warning to the affected areas. We can't say exactly when yet, but we hope [...]The post Understaffed National Weather Service Still Weeks Away From Issuing Kentucky Tornado Warning appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After a stunning admission that he'd been diagnosed with a highly aggressive form of the disease, former President Joe Biden reportedly faced mounting pressure on Monday to let a younger Democrat battle cancer. Given the current landscape, we think a more youthful, energetic leader would be much better suited to fighting this deadly kind of [...]The post Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

A document purchased by Harvard Law School for $27.50 and thought to be a replica of the Magna Carta-one of the earliest declarations of human rights-is in fact an original from 1300. What do you think?The post Copy' Of Magna Carta Bought By Harvard For $27 Found To Be Real appeared first on The Onion.

LOW EARTH ORBIT-Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn't be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly sources confirmed Tuesday.It's still looking pretty quiet down there, so [...]The post Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment Day appeared first on The Onion.

LANSING, MI-Assuring herself it wasn't even that late, local woman Natalie Sissons reportedly allowed herself one more anxiety episode Tuesday before going to bed.Just one more episode of paralyzing apprehension and fear, then I'll call it a night," said Sissons, admitting that she knew she should try to get some sleep since it was a [...]The post Woman Allows Herself One More Anxiety Episode Before Bed appeared first on The Onion.

Lots of space in this end-of-the-row unit you can walk or roll into. Located in the basement of the public library, this place comes with water and one roll of scratchy toilet paper. Reference #18084The post Spacious End-Unit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organization has as many as 156 terrorists spread across 13 known cells in the United States, and several of [...]The post State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization appeared first on The Onion.

A Wisconsin man has voluntarily been bitten by snakes hundreds of times, with scientists now studying his blood in hopes of creating better treatments for snake bites. What do you think?The post Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-After months of closing in on the former news anchor's legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassedDiane Sawyer on Friday asGood Morning Americas all-time sack leader. Throughout his career on GMA, Strahan has led the show in tackles, forced fumbles, interceptions, and, most importantly, sacks," saidproducer Greg Emerson, adding that Strahan's speed, strength, and ability to [...]The post Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America's All-Time Sack Leader appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Sitting in the front row and snapping his fingers in time to the 1980 musical's overture, President Donald Trump rehearsed his Cabinet for a Kennedy Center performance of Les Miserables amid an escalating boycott by the show's usual cast, sources reported Friday. Marco, I want you in there as Jean Valjean, and give us your [...]The post Trump Casts Cabinet In Les Miserables' Amid Kennedy Center Boycott appeared first on The Onion.

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NDIANAPOLIS-In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could access sexually explicit material. This law will ensure that no resident of Indiana encounters harmful, X-rated content on the internet without [...]The post New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Insisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during a Thursday evening introductory class to dance with your girlfriend.No, no, no-you must do it with passion, great passion," said the 83-year-old man, who reportedly placed a hand around your [...]The post Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion.

Known for being an adventurous risk-taker, Luke Platt, 36, died Thursday after brazenly wearing regular shoes on the bowling alley floor.The post Luke Platt appeared first on The Onion.