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by The Onion Staff on (#6QNCT)
The post 9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were Two Huge Bullseyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-10 03:15 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QN74)
Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you think?The post U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QN75)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids' meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the 275-calorie children's Mini Mezze, but they just wish it were smaller," said Anne Sindler, a spokesperson for [...]The post Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids' Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QN76)
NEW YORK-Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation's baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one [...]The post Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QN77)
EVERYWHERE-Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn't see the animals. Where is it? Where is it? I can't see!" said 6-year-old Oliver Saladino, echoing the sentiment of children around the world while pointing an outstretched arm at the enclosure [...]The post I Can't See It,' Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMS5)
The post Today's Historic Front Page: September 10, 2024 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMS6)
The post Trump Spends Entire Debate Trying To Pluck Strand Of Harris' Hair For DNA Test appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMS7)
PHILADELPHIA-Deflecting moderators' efforts to pin down his policy positions during Tuesday's presidential debate, Donald Trump reportedly avoided difficult questions throughout the evening by pretending he had just taken another bullet to the ear. What? I honestly can't hear you right now because someone's trying to murder me and I've been shot in my ear-again!" the [...]The post Trump Avoids Answering Hard Questions By Pretending He Shot In Ear Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMS8)
WASHINGTON-Noting a distinct lack of energy and focus from the incumbent, Democratic Party officials were reportedly alarmed Tuesday by President Joe Biden's poor performance as a debate viewer. Confidence is waning among party leaders after the president's uninspiring attempt to focus during the debate tonight," said a high-ranking Democratic official, who remarked that it was [...]The post Dems Alarmed By Joe Biden's Poor Performance As Debate Viewer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMS9)
PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to throw his Democratic opponent off balance, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly attempted to rattle Kamala Harris during Tuesday evening's debate by turning his eyelids inside out. Kamala, hey Kamala-look over here," said the former president, who waved his arms and slapped the top of his lectern in a bid to [...]The post Trump Tries To Rattle Harris By Turning Eyelids Inside Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMSA)
The post Trump Pronouncing Harris' Wrong appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMQV)
The post David Muir: Yes, My Penis Is As Beautiful As You Think. Now Let's Start The Debate.' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMQW)
The post ABC Budget Cuts Force Producers To Reuse Set From General Hospital' As Debate Stage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMQX)
PHILADELPHIA-Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked So, which one's yours?" while trying to make small talk with former first lady Melania Trump backstage. It's so nice to meet you, Melania, welcome to the group-does one of these little rascals belong to you, too?" asked Doug [...]The post So, Which One's Yours?' Asks Doug Emhoff Trying To Make Small Talk With Melania Backstage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMKS)
Former Vice President Dick Cheney, a lifelong Republican, announced he will vote for Kamala Harris for president, claiming that, In our nation's 248-year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump." What do you think?The post Dick Cheney To Vote For Harris appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QMKT)
PHILADELPHIA-Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. You're a terrible side of beef-maybe the worst side of beef I've ever seen," said Trump, who wiped sweat off his brow from the exertion [...]The post Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QM7V)
The post Unloading At College appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QM7W)
TERRE HAUTE, IN-Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife's infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. I just can't be with someone who would do something that awful, telling me I'm the biological [...]The post Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QM7X)
DAYTON, OH-Calling the first two rough, but ultimately worth it," local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. Why not? There's still time," said Butler, who admitted he had been a little hasty" when he originally opted to undergo the [...]The post Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QKN1)
The Justice Department accused Russia of using unwitting right-wing influencers-including well-known personalities such as Tim Pool, Dave Rubin, and Benny Johnson-in its quest to amplify U.S. domestic divisions ahead of the 2024 presidential election, racking up millions of views. What do you think?The post Right-Wing Influencers Covertly Funded By Russia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QKHW)
PUNTA GORDA, FL-Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as dumbass. Wow, you really are a moron, aren't you?" said Coffey, who sat alone in [...]The post Man Can't Believe What A Dumbass Cartoon Character Is appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QKHX)
LOS ANGELES-Praising the latest of the car's bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday about its high-tech pedal that makes the vehicle accelerate when pressed. It's this bonkers, next-level thing that lets you go fast when push it down on it with your foot," [...]The post Cybertruck Owner Brags About High-Tech Pedal That Makes Vehicle Accelerate When Pressed appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QKHY)
CINCINNATI-In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as Thompson grasped the iPhone, his right hand shook while pushing down its side power button as if he were struggling [...]The post Phone Manually Turned Off With Intensity Of Mobster Smothering Witness With Pillow appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QKEQ)
WASHINGTON-Saying that she was probably just bloated from the milkshake, grilled cheese, and deep-fried Oreos her running mate had ordered them both for breakfast, Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris struggled to button her pantsuit Monday after a month of hanging out with Tim Walz. Hoo, buddy, I know Tim and I have been eating a [...]The post Kamala Harris Struggling To Button Pantsuit After Month Of Hanging Out With Tim Walz appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QK7R)
Slavery reparations bill H.R. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of 40 acres and a mule," has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989.The Onionexamines the pros and cons of reparations for Black Americans. PRO: Get to watch some poor sucker decide who's included and who's not. CON: Whole point of slavery [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Reparations appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QJSE)
CLEVELAND-Covering the Browns vs. Cowboys game for his highly anticipated Fox Sports broadcasting debut, Tom Brady provided a detailed analysis Sunday of how easy it would be for him to take Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott's job. As someone who competed in the NFL against Dak for seven seasons, I know his game very well, and [...]The post Tom Brady Provides Detailed Analysis Of How Easy It Would Be For Him ToTake Dak Prescott's Job appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QJPH)
CINCINNATI-Wincing at the sound of the two palms coming into contact with each other, the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff reportedly held its breath Sunday after Joe Burrow endured a rough high-five from a teammate. Oof, that looked like it hurt," said commentator Ian Eagle, who narrated a replay of the congratulatory gesture showing the 27-year-old [...]The post Bengals Coaching Staff Holding Breath After Joe Burrow Endures Rough High-Five appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHP0)
Hunter Biden pleaded guilty to federal tax charges, a surprise move that spares President Joe Biden and his family the ordeal of another likely criminal trial. What do you think?The post Hunter Biden Pleads Guilty To Federal Tax Charges appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHK5)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Growing increasingly alarmed as she stared at her boyfriend Travis Kelce's upcoming 2024 schedule, a horrified Taylor Swift reportedly realized for the first time Friday that football happens every year. So football...that's not just a thing Travis did last fall for a couple of months-that's something that's going to happen again and again?" [...]The post Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHDW)
PLAINS, GA-Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. Hello? Is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?" said the 99-year-old in a shouted plea, stumbling through the halls of an abandoned [...]The post Jimmy Carter Awakens To Learn He Outlived Every Single Person In America appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHAF)
Venezuela's authoritarian leader Nicolas Maduro decreed that Christmas will start Oct. 1 in the country, the announcement coming as Venezuela grapples with the fallout from a July presidential election that saw Maduro claim a third term despite global skepticism and outcry from the country's opposition movement. What do you think?The post Venezuelan President Declares Christmas In October appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHAG)
Despite its looming U.S. ban, TikTok continues to grow in popularity, with over 1 billion active monthly users across the globe.The Onionshares tips for growing your follower count on the social media platform.The post Tips For Growing Your TikTok Following appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QHAH)
NEW YORK-Catering to consumers whose dogs have an aversion to outdoor surfaces, pet accessory brand Wild One unveiled new antigravity hover shoes Friday designed to protect canine paws from hazards by allowing the wearer to float up to six inches off the ground. We're thrilled to introduce thesestylish and practicalbooties to help your pup avoid [...]The post New Antigravity Hover Shoes Protect Dogs' Paws From Anything Within 6 Inches Of Ground appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGRJ)
SYDNEY-In an outpouring of criticism in which the expression of remorse was disparaged as an affront to the art form, Olympian Rachael Gunn's apology to the breakdance community sparked outrage Thursday from the apology community. Quite frankly, it looked like she had never said sorry before in her life," celebrated apologizer Lily Mickleburg told reporters, [...]The post Raygun's Apology To Breakdancing Community Sparks Outrage From Apology Community appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGRK)
The Drug Enforcement Administration increased the production limit for Takeda Pharmaceutical's ADHD drug Vyvanse and its generic versions by about 24% to address the medicine's ongoing shortage in the United States. What do you think?The post ADHD Drugmaker To Ease Ongoing Shortage By Increasing Production appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGNZ)
LOVES PARK, IL-Firm in his refusal to move on to the next tee until his standards had been met, area dad Greg Nevins announced Thursday that he was not leaving this mini golf hole until his son Logan showed him some good form. Come on, enough playing around-now square your shoulders and keep your damn [...]The post Dad Not Leaving This Mini Golf Hole Until Son Shows Him Some Good Form appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGF5)
LAS VEGAS-In a triumphant victory over longtime rival Takeru Kobayashi during a live-streamed Netflix special, competitive eater Joey Chestnut reportedly ate the entire cast ofStranger Things in under 10 minutes Thursday. There were times in there when I didn't know if I'd be able to choke down another one of those kids, but I just [...]The post Joey Chestnut Eats Entire Cast Of Stranger Things' In Under 10 Minutes appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGBP)
CHICAGO-Sending commuters into a panic, a switchblade-wielding subway rider was reportedly locked in a tense standoff Thursday with a penis-wielding rider. As soon as the two of these guys made eye contact, everybody knew there was no way they were getting out of there without a fight," said witness Gary Sanborn, 38, adding that passengers [...]The post Switchblade-Wielding Subway Rider Locked In Standoff With Penis-Wielding Subway Rider appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QGBQ)
Supporters of MDMA therapy say the treatment eases the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, producing lifesaving results for groups such as veterans. Here is what you need to know about the experimental new treatment. Q: Why did the FDA recently reject MDMA-assisted therapy?A: They believe it could be a gateway to harder therapies. Q: What [...]The post What To Know About MDMA Therapy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QFSJ)
WINDER, GA-In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed at least four individuals and injured nine others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QFFQ)
DAVENPORT, IA-Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a practice scrimmageearlier in the year, was praised as a hero this week for not suing. Real bravery is taking it on the chin like Brett did and still finding it [...]The post Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QFFR)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Largely conforming with the preexistingresearch on the subject, a cautious study published Wednesday by researchers at Harvard University found whatever everyone else found. After exhaustive trials and data analysis, our team can confirm that we have made discoveries totally in line with the stuff that other scientists discovered," said the study's lead author, Mark [...]The post Cautious Study Finds Whatever Everyone Else Found appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QFFS)
CINCINNATI-Drawing mixed reactions from viewers with its attempt to flesh out the backstory of the popular cleaning products mascot, a new ad released by Procter & Gamble this week generated controversy with its revelation that Mr. Clean only dates Black women. The beloved and iconic Mr. Clean has long been known for his smile, his [...]The post Controversial Ad Reveals Mr. Clean Only Dates Black Women appeared first on The Onion.
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by Jordan LaFlure on (#6QERS)
The post The Onion Reviews The Fast And The Furious' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QEHW)
The post Cool Skydiver Only Uses One Parachute Strap appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QEHX)
MANKATO, MN-Warning that if elected the candidate would show his sinister true colors, acquaintances of Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz alleged Tuesday that his aw, shucks' persona was merely a cover for his very real gee whiz' tendencies. He may act all gosh-and-golly in front of the cameras, but the Walz political machine has [...]The post Sources Allege Tim Walz's Aw, Shucks' Persona Merely Facade Concealing True Gee Whiz' Tendencies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QEHY)
TROY, NY-Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without killing himself. Great job, Steve! You've hit the five-year mark without a raise or promotion or even once running a [...]The post LinkedIn Congratulates Man On 5 Years At Dead-End Job Without Killing Himself appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QDTE)
With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.The post How Universities Are Cracking Down On Palestine Protests appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QDR4)
STOCKTON, CA-Complaining that the woman acts like she owns the place despite her groom's incredible generosity, local man Jason Foster reported Monday that his bride was being awfully picky about the wedding cake for someone who just got a free flight from Cambodia. She steps off the plane I forked over 900 bucks for and [...]The post Bride Being Awfully Picky About Wedding Cake For Someone Who Just Got Free Flight From Cambodia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6QDR3)
The post Moviegoers Distracted By Christian Family Praying Over M&M's appeared first on The Onion.
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