| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-07-06 23:46 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#71724)
The post Mike Johnson: My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71725)
CHICAGO-His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. Oh God, send for backup-there's, like, 30 under [...]The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71703)
The post Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TY)
The post Over the River Into the 'Hood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V4)
NEW YORK-Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up [...]The post NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V3)
WASHINGTON-With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had returned. Bystanders first spotted the churning, amorphous black fog at 2:37 p.m., when it arose from the shadows and crept toward small towns and cornfields in the Midwest. From there, [...]The post Breaking: The Darkness Returns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V2)
LOS ANGELES-Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word Ghoul" on.It only took him two weeks to write, but it's incredible-it's an entire fleshed-out world," said an insider source, who confirmed that [...]The post Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote Ghoul' On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V1)
LONG BEACH, CA-Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.I've got to get in and get out without anyone noticing," said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to [...]The post Vasectomy Hot-Wired appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V0)
The post Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TZ)
Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350The post Pizza's Been Delivered Here Before appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716F9)
The post Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People's Hands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BK)
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau's rumored romance has taken the internet by storm. The Onion sat down with the celebrity couple to discuss their fledgling relationship. The Onion : So how did you two meet? Perry: Lauren Sanchez paired us off as part of Jeff Bezos' plan to breed a higher race of humans. The Onion : [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BM)
The post ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same Military Commando' Halloween Costume appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BN)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In an effort to console the team's star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. Hey, you got lucky-just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch [...]The post Cam Skattebo Assured He'll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BP)
LONDON-In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process [...]The post Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7155Z)
The post Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71560)
WASHINGTON-Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a sketchy dealer" in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary," Kennedy said while gesturing to the [...]The post RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153P)
MILWAUKEE-Expressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theater's all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this week alongside dozens of other failures. It's cool that they don't just focus on the old stuff-there's a nice mix of '80s and '90s cult classics and even some international [...]The post 24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153N)
The post Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153M)
The post Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148V)
The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714JC)
SEOUL-In a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11 U.S. soybeans. I am extremely honored that President Xi has authorized China to begin the purchase of this unprecedented amount of American-grown soybeans-not merely nine or 10 beans, but 11 [...]The post China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FM)
CHICAGO-Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica Ashe reportedly asked their freshly ICE-detained nanny, Maria Gutierrez, if she'd still be free to watch their kids on Friday. Hey, Maria! We know you have a lot on your [...]The post Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She's Still Free To Watch Kids Friday appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FN)
The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out Operation Midway Blitz" since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Chicago immigration raids. $50,000: Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way 260: Agents with Celtic knot tattoos 8: Pitch sessions before they finally landed on Operation Midway Blitz" [...]The post Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148W)
DES MOINES, IOWA-Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he's had an affinity for cords from a very young age. For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety [...]The post IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713E4)
CLEVELAND-Revealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic Thriller" also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit Thriller' and singing spooky lyrics like No [...]The post Report: Guy Who Sings Thriller' Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713AQ)
WASHINGTON-Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body's natural ability to transmute lead into gold. The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead," [...]The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body's Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713AP)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to manage the American people's expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn't set on a house. We're not saying it's impossible-we're just saying you might want to consider keeping your options open," said Jeffrey Birney, an economics professor at Georgetown University, who [...]The post Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn't Set On A House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712ZB)
AUSTIN, TX-Noting that he'd already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. He means well, and I don't want [...]The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli's Mentorship appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712XN)
SAN BRUNO, CA-Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers' cover of Bikini Kill's Rebel Girl" revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs," [...]The post YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712KZ)
The post Low Papapproval Ratings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712M0)
1 FROWNIN' AT NIGHT THE WEEKEND 2 EMBERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT 3 PORK ME WITH YOUR CHODE SABRINA CARPENTER 4 RATTLING CHAINS AND SCREANS (9-HOUR VERSION) HALLOWEEN SOUNDS 5 SUSHI IS TOO EXPENSIVE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE 6 I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON VIDEO GAMES BEYONCE 7 DARK RISE OF THE [...]The post The Onion's Top Songs: October 2025 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712GY)
The post Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711W7)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir," said [...]The post Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711SM)
Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in Los Angeles. Here is everything we know about season two of the breakout rom-com series. Kristen Bell prepared for the role by spending six months learning how to eat a [...]The post Everything We Know About Nobody Wants This' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711KS)
SEATTLE-After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. Oooh, you guys mind if I take this?" said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and [...]The post Doula Asks To Keep Baby appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711KR)
THE HEAVENS-Expressing confusion over the primate's classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas?" the [...]The post God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7108S)
WASHINGTON-Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader's ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a [...]The post Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70ZYP)
NEW YORK-Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift's wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. They're completely optional, of course, but a lot of brides find them quite helpful," said event organizer Riley Hirsh, who spoke in a soft voice as she assured [...]The post Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She's Considered Dance Lessons appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70ZYN)
WASHINGTON-Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to national security. Our enemies are attempting to destabilize the United States by planting those rickety deathtraps in our nation's restaurants, breweries, and watering holes, and now they [...]The post Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70ZYM)
SAN DIEGO-Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. No, no, no-it would be crazy if I let them pay it [...]The post 37-Year-Old Still On Parents' Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#70ZYK)
As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial facilities. Q: What do data centers need to run? A: Water, electricity, air conditioning, and other resources typically wasted on schools and hospitals. Q: Do data centers use a lot [...]The post What To Know About Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.
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