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by The Onion Staff on (#7304V)
CHICAGO-Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit.While it's recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far short of that," said Dr. [...]The post Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-12 02:50 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#7304T)
LOS ANGELES-Leaning forward in his seat as a number of questions raced through his mind, Dwayne Johnson was reportedly intrigued Monday after learning there was a special trophy for good actors.Huh, interesting-and you said they give them out every year?" asked Johnson, who frowned as he racked his brain in an attempt to recall if [...]The post Dwayne Johnson Intrigued After Learning About Special Trophy For Good Actors appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7304S)
The couple wed Saturday after realizing they could not, in fact, get the venue and vendor deposits back.The post Mary Hill and Becca Cox appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72ZM5)
Ynyshir, a Welsh restaurant with two Michelin stars, has been given a one star hygiene rating by food standards inspectors, with the chef responding to the score by claiming he has the highest standards in the world." What do you think?The post Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72ZM6)
WASHINGTON-Expressing deep fondness for those long-gone halcyon days, the U.S. population collectively yearned Tuesday for the relative calm of the president is a giant pedophile" news cycle. It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage girls," said Denver resident Scott Munoz, [...]The post Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of President A Giant Pedophile' News Cycle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72ZEE)
LONDON-Determined to get to the bottom of the highly publicized estrangement, fashion designer Victoria Beckham reportedly took to Reddit Tuesday to anonymously ask for someone to explain the Beckham family feud to her. Sorry, I'm feeling kind of out of the loop here, could someone explain what's going on with the son?" the 51-year-old Beckham [...]The post Victoria Beckham Asks Reddit To Explain Beckham Family Feud To Her appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72ZC5)
The post To Noem Is To Love 'Em appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Z5Y)
GENEVA-In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. Whether you're feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can [...]The post Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Z5X)
ARLINGTON, VA-In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn't get to have any food at all.Think of the poor, famished children [...]The post Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Z5W)
LEAWOOD, KS-Stressing that he wouldn't want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancee Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too.It wouldn't feel right if Jason wasn't up there with [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Z5V)
At my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they've spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they can't even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like [...]The post All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Z5T)
It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72YEP)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. Please, people, I'm begging you-we don't want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer [...]The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72YEN)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood.Whether we're talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections," Gov. Ron DeSantis said after [...]The post Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72YEM)
HYDE PARK, NY-Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science.Dad always said he didn't want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so [...]The post Man Donates Body ToCulinaryScience appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72YEK)
Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands [...]The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72YEJ)
A Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI. Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question Are you sure?" Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use. [...]The post Tips For Using AI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72Y0Z)
The post Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72XQS)
The post Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WT0)
Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think?The post 26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WT1)
WASHINGTON-Panting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thing-he even hides it under his bed at night with [...]The post Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WJ1)
So-called pink cocaine," a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think?The post Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WJ2)
SAN FRANCISCO-In a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday night's game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. Angry noise gone from Draymond head...Draymond good boy now," said Green, who sat on the bench petting [...]The post Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On Forehead appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WEN)
Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Do I need to watch season one first? A: No, you can get the gist of it by shooting yourself in the [...]The post What To Know About Season 2 Of The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WEM)
Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest, I'm a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few minutes later. The [...]The post Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WEK)
The post Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As The Jennifer Hudson Show' Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WEJ)
MONROE, MI-Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips.There's no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into your [...]The post La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72WEH)
The bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn't know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song.The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72W08)
Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think?The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VVB)
NEW YORK-Lauding the commander-in-chief's response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. The obscene gesture Trump made in Michigan was brimming with youthful vitality, not to [...]The post Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VVC)
WASHINGTON-Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Postpublished an editorial Thursday defending the FBI's recent raid on its reporter. As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government's decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her [...]The post Washington Post' Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VRD)
STARBASE, TX-Claiming that his relationship with the nation's adults hadbeen irreparably' damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community,Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. Iwill be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants," Musk wrote [...]The post Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VRE)
Gregory Bovino is commander at large" of the U.S. Border Patrol's mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino's background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: Shoot first, dodge questions later." Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden [...]The post Political Profile: Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VRF)
A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?The post Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VHW)
WASHINGTON-In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday. Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, [...]The post Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VHV)
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA-In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers.Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong [...]The post Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting Period appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VHT)
With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump's military spending by the numbers.The post Trump's Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VHS)
Cindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth.The post Cindy Patton appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72VHR)
WASHINGTON-Calling her actions indefensible," Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renee Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. The fact of the matter is that Renee Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts," said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year-old Minneapolis mother was reiterated across social media [...]The post Conservatives Say Renee Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TS2)
Reality television personality Spencer Pratt announced a longshot bid for Los Angeles mayor, with The Hills star vowing to expose the system." What do you think?The post Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TNG)
THE HEAVENS-Praising the man-made food item as on par with the real thing," God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created.Credit where credit is due-between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don't hate this," said the Infallible Architect [...]The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TNF)
AMAGANSETT, NY-Saying he couldn't wait for Bravo's audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic.Based on the scuttling and scampering noises I hear coming from up there 24 hours a day, [...]The post Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces The Real Housewives Of My Attic' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TNE)
PITTSBURGH-Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream-why does this keep happening?" said Hayward, [...]The post Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TND)
The post Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TNC)
It wasn't at a plantation, okay? It was just a big Southern house.The post Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72TNB)
This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72T25)
The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SWF)
WASHINGTON-Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year's midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official ICE kills everyone" agenda for 2026. In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure [...]The post GOP Adds ICE Kills Everyone' Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72SSQ)
SEATTLE-In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they're looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area's racial homogeneity.Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on [...]The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared first on The Onion.
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