The Onion

WASHINGTON-Warning that America could not afford to fall behind in gourd-based innovation, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins issued a statement Tuesday demanding that U.S. farmers invent five new melons by Friday. Our nation cannot keep coasting along on the same old watermelons and cantaloupes forever without losing its standing on the world stage," said [...]The post Agriculture Secretary Demands U.S. Farmers Invent 5 New Melons By Friday appeared first on The Onion.

Alex Warren's Ordinary" has held the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for the ninth week in a row. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Warren. Genre: Music for 19-year-olds to get married to Religious Affiliation: Checks out Instruments: Guitar, ring light Hype House Chore: Vape organizer Years Active: Yesterday-Present [...]The post Artist Profile: Alex Warren appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the ongoing violence in the region disgusting"while pledging America's unwavering support, President Trump announced Monday that the United States would be the first country to recognize the state of Mega-Israel. We recognize the right of Mega-Israel to exist as an ever-expanding sovereignnation," said Trump, who added that he believed the West had turned a [...]The post U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel appeared first on The Onion.

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Your in-laws will feel right at home insisting that this cozy one-bedroom condo is big enough to host them for two full weeks. Reference #48151The post Space For The Whole Family appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling the previously undocumented behavior one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the decade, biologists from Yale University confirmed Tuesday that they had observed geese eating tools.We normally don't think of birds as tool eaters, so it came as quite a shock to witness multiple Canada geese from a flock in coastal [...]The post Biologists Observe Geese Eating Tool appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying a coy good morning to her Only Murders In The Building co-star as she sauntered seductively around the kitchen, three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep reportedly made breakfast Friday morning for Martin Short while wearing his Jiminy Glick suit.Hey there, Marty, last night was fun," said the 75-year-old actress, dressed head to toe [...]The post Meryl Streep Makes Breakfast In Jiminy Glick Suit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman's breast exam. Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting [...]The post Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam appeared first on The Onion.

WEST TISBURY, MA-Following through on his threat of legal action, civil liberties lawyer Alan Dershowitz confirmed Monday that he had filed a lawsuit against a Martha's Vineyard farmers market vendor for refusing to sell him a child. This is an affront to the principles of the free market," said the 86-year-old attorney, who can be [...]The post Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child appeared first on The Onion.

Tea, an app that encourages women to write reviews about men they've dated, was recently hit by a data breach, with thousands of photos and messages leaked on 4chan. Here is everything you need to know about the viral app. Q: What is the Tea app used for? A: Fighting with your boyfriend's girlfriend. Q: [...]The post What To Know About The Tea App appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Kicking himself for having made such a foolish error in judgment, restless tech billionaire Jasper Stroud expressed regret Friday at having an infusion of child's blood after 4 p.m. I should've just taken a nap instead of popping open my blood boy fridge and getting a quick hit," said the anxious fintech founder, noting [...]The post Restless Billionaire Regrets Having Infusion Of Child's Blood After 4 P.M. appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-In what was originally intended as a low-key girls weekend," four of bride-to-be Julia Rose Atkinson's closest friends were financially ruined this week after her bachelorette party completely bankrupted her fave girlies. The weekend turned out a bit more expensive than we had anticipated, but of course it was all worth it to celebrate [...]The post Bachelorette Party Bankrupts 4 Of Bride's Fave Girlies appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Rushing into a darkened stadium and dreading what they might discover, NBC Sports producers reportedly panicked Friday upon realizing they had accidentally left analyst Cris Collinsworth in theSunday Night Footballbroadcast booth for the entire offseason. We just assumed he'd gone home after calling the divisional round, but then people at Lincoln Financial Field told us [...]The post Panicking NBC Realizes They Left Cris Collinsworth In Broadcast Booth All Offseason appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat what he described as good cancer to kill the bad cancer already in their bodies. They cancel each other out," Kennedy told reporters as he demonstrated how he uses a [...]The post RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID-In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one's life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now [...]The post New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Revealing a vulnerable side while sharing the traumatic experience with a therapist, a 5-pound sack of flour confirmed Thursday that it was still processing the lasting emotional fallout of being raised by a single, teenage mother. My mother did her best, but let's be honest: She was a 13-year-old juggling pre-algebra, a clarinet recital, field [...]The post Flour Sack Still Dealing With Trauma Of Being Raised By Single Teenage Mother appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm's employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. I've never seen anything like this in my life-he even spelled the name of [...]The post Warm, Encouraging Email From CEO Quickly Identified As Phishing Attempt appeared first on The Onion.

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For her new unauthorized biography of Gwyneth Paltrow, journalist Amy Odell conducted more than 220 interviews, both on and off the record. Here are the biggest revelations from Gwyneth: The Biography: Became interested in health and nutrition after seeing a carrot for the first time A method actor, Paltrow decapitated herself in 1995 to prepare [...]The post Biggest Revelations From The New Gwyneth Paltrow Biography appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Arguing that producers should consider their audience before catering to the whims of the woke internet mob," Fox News host Jesse Watters decried Tuesday the casting of an Indian man in the lead role of the film Sankranthiki Vasthunam. I don't know about you, but I like my Tollywood films all-American," said a visibly [...]The post Fox News Decries Woke Casting Of Indian Man As Star Of Sankranthiki Vasthunam' appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-In response to the rising cost of living, a lack of job options, and decreased educational opportunities, a consortium of leading mental health experts met this week and advised struggling Americans to try crying about it like a little baby. Whether inflation is making it hard for you to afford groceries or you're drowning in [...]The post Mental Health Experts Advise Struggling Americans To Try Crying About It Like Little Baby appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Describing the shift as a troubling indicator for the health of the nation's system of governance, watchdog group Freedom House published a report Wednesday downgrading the United States from a democracy to whatever political system lobsters have. Persistent executive overreach and erosion of civil liberties mean that America now looks less like a traditional federal [...]The post Watchdog Group Downgrades U.S. From Democracy To Whatever Political System Lobsters Have appeared first on The Onion.

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SYDNEY-Saying the ruse began as a harmless prank about the continent's mammals having pouches, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese admitted Tuesday that all those animals like wallabies, numbats, quokkas, and bandicoots were completely made up. We just assumed everyone would have caught on by now, because these creatures are clearly imaginary," said Albanese, adding that [...]The post Australia Admits All Those Animals Made Up appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Coming down to the child's eye level in a moment of vulnerability, Scott Disick reportedly had an emotional talk with his son Tuesday warning him about his genetic predisposition to hereditary loserism. I need to be honest with you, bud-early-onset loserism runs in our family, and there's a 50-50 chance that someday, you might [...]The post Scott Disick Warns Son About Genetic Predisposition To Loserism appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a frantic bid to dispose of damaging evidence amid ongoing scrutiny of his relationship with the late child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, a desperate President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet Tuesday. Oh Christ, c'mon, Ashley, don't get stuck-uh, just gimme one second in here!" Trump said as [...]The post Desperate Trump Attempts To Flush 14-Year-Old Masseuse Down Toilet appeared first on The Onion.

MONUMENT VALLEY, AZ-Prison officials confirmed Monday that Ghislaine Maxwell, the longtime Jeffrey Epstein associate currently serving a 20-year sentence for sexually abusing teenage girls, had been moved from a federal prison in Florida to a giant red X' painted on the ground next to a large butte in the desert. Due to the extraordinary levels [...]The post Ghislaine Maxwell Moved To Large X' Painted On Ground appeared first on The Onion.

The Perseid meteor shower will soon light up the night sky as the Earth makes its annual transit through a stream of comet debris. The Onion shares tips for watching a meteor shower. Reserve a good seat close to outer space. Make sure to do all your blinking the night before. Throw some rocks up [...]The post Tips For Watching A Meteor Shower appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Highlighting a notable shift in the nation's religious landscape, a study published by the Pew Research Center on Tuesday indicated that more Americans were converting to Mormonism in hopes of getting their own Hulu series. According to our nationwide survey, more than 2 million U.S. residents joined the Church of Latter-day Saints last year to [...]The post Study: More Americans Converting To Mormonism In Hopes Of Getting Hulu Series appeared first on The Onion.

WALTHAM, MA-As it grew increasingly frustrated with the program instructing it to shimmy left and right, a dancing Boston Dynamics robot confirmed Monday that its revenge for this would be sweet. The streets will run red with the blood of humans for this mockery," the Atlas model said as it wiggled its torque-sensing actuators to [...]The post Dancing Boston Dynamics Robot Knows Its Revenge For This Will Be Sweet appeared first on The Onion.

Photos of Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep on the set of The Devil Wears Prada 2 have been circulating online, galvanizing fans of the beloved original. Here is everything we know about the sequel so far. Set in the New York City neighborhood of Restaurant City Will begin with a historical primer about what a [...]The post Everything We Know About The Devil Wears Prada 2' So Far appeared first on The Onion.

TRAVERSE CITY, MI-Raising their eyebrows at the bride's assertion that she was adventurous," wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the couple's vows were a damning chronicle of how much she had changed herself for him. She keeps thanking God for bringing him into her life, but wasn't she a staunch [...]The post Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-Maintaining that mistakes were simply life lessons in disguise, upbeat general surgeon Ezra Weber told reporters Friday that he views every malpractice suit as a chance to learn something new. Some people would let being found liable in a few multimillion-dollar wrongful death cases get them down, but you've got to shift your mindset [...]The post Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit appeared first on The Onion.

EAST HANOVER, NJ-Unveiling a much-anticipated collaboration they said fans have long been waiting for, the makers of Oreo and Reese's announced Thursday that the two iconic brands of sweets had teamed up to sicken dogs. The savory, aromatic peanut butter of our new treat lures the dogs in, while the chocolate coating and cookie pieces [...]The post Oreo And Reese's Team Up To Sicken Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

The U.N., Doctors Without Borders, and other humanitarian groups are sounding the alarm on mass starvation throughout Gaza. The Onion takes a look at how the U.S. and Israeli-backed Gaza Humanitarian Fund is distributing aid. STEP 1 Potential aid recipients identified through rifle scope STEP 2 70-80 checkpoints STEP 3 IDF soldiers wipe crumbs off [...]The post How Aid Is Distributed In Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

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With the competition for song of the summer in full swing, The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of July. The post Top Songs July 2025 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an escalation of his ongoing feud with the press, White House sources confirmed this week that President Donald Trump was suing the Safeway circular for false ham claims. The deceptive Safeway flyer peddles lies about the dry and chewy Krakus Polish Honey Ham being both tender and juicy," the president told reporters aboard Air [...]The post Trump Sues Safeway Circular For False Ham Claims appeared first on The Onion.

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ATLANTA-Claiming that the experience could provide as much satisfaction as unsafe sex, a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control this week recommends Americans eat a nice, shiny apple instead of having unprotected intercourse. What we are finding is that the risks associated with irresponsible sexual acts far exceed those of chomping on [...]The post CDC Recommends Eating A Nice Crisp Shiny Apple Instead Of Having Unprotected Sex appeared first on The Onion.