The Onion

SAN CLEMENTE, CA-Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were miracles," local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she'd given to each of her miscarriages. Boys...boys, I don't think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, [...]The post Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages appeared first on The Onion.

In celebration of the series's 25th anniversary, HBO has releasedWise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew.The Onionshares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.The post Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO's New Sopranos' Documentary appeared first on The Onion.

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CINCINNATI-Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal with the dishes. Finally, a powerful dish bell that's tough on grease but gentle on your ears," [...]The post Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied STOP" Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a spell to ward off a mythical beast. Sources confirmed that moments after receiving the Kamala Harris fundraising message, [...]The post Man Replies STOP' To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast appeared first on The Onion.

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Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you think?The post U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He's Seen appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids' meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the 275-calorie children's Mini Mezze, but they just wish it were smaller," said Anne Sindler, a spokesperson for [...]The post Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids' Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation's baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one [...]The post Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian appeared first on The Onion.

EVERYWHERE-Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn't see the animals. Where is it? Where is it? I can't see!" said 6-year-old Oliver Saladino, echoing the sentiment of children around the world while pointing an outstretched arm at the enclosure [...]The post I Can't See It,' Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Noting a distinct lack of energy and focus from the incumbent, Democratic Party officials were reportedly alarmed Tuesday by President Joe Biden's poor performance as a debate viewer. Confidence is waning among party leaders after the president's uninspiring attempt to focus during the debate tonight," said a high-ranking Democratic official, who remarked that it was [...]The post Dems Alarmed By Joe Biden's Poor Performance As Debate Viewer appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to throw his Democratic opponent off balance, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly attempted to rattle Kamala Harris during Tuesday evening's debate by turning his eyelids inside out. Kamala, hey Kamala-look over here," said the former president, who waved his arms and slapped the top of his lectern in a bid to [...]The post Trump Tries To Rattle Harris By Turning Eyelids Inside Out appeared first on The Onion.

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PHILADELPHIA-Pointing proudly while his wife took the lectern at the presidential debate, Doug Emhoff reportedly asked So, which one's yours?" while trying to make small talk with former first lady Melania Trump backstage. It's so nice to meet you, Melania, welcome to the group-does one of these little rascals belong to you, too?" asked Doug [...]The post So, Which One's Yours?' Asks Doug Emhoff Trying To Make Small Talk With Melania Backstage appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. You're a terrible side of beef-maybe the worst side of beef I've ever seen," said Trump, who wiped sweat off his brow from the exertion [...]The post Trump Trains For Debate By Arguing With Side Of Beef Hanging In Meat Locker appeared first on The Onion.

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TERRE HAUTE, IN-Having confirmed his suspicions of his wife's infidelity, local husband Mark Polanco filed for divorce Monday after a DNA test revealed that the child he had been raising as his own only shared half his genes. I just can't be with someone who would do something that awful, telling me I'm the biological [...]The post Husband Files For Divorce After DNA Test Reveals Child Only Shares Half His Genes appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-Calling the first two rough, but ultimately worth it," local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding he wanted a third heart attack after all. Why not? There's still time," said Butler, who admitted he had been a little hasty" when he originally opted to undergo the [...]The post Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.

The Justice Department accused Russia of using unwitting right-wing influencers-including well-known personalities such as Tim Pool, Dave Rubin, and Benny Johnson-in its quest to amplify U.S. domestic divisions ahead of the 2024 presidential election, racking up millions of views. What do you think?The post Right-Wing Influencers Covertly Funded By Russia appeared first on The Onion.

PUNTA GORDA, FL-Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as dumbass. Wow, you really are a moron, aren't you?" said Coffey, who sat alone in [...]The post Man Can't Believe What A Dumbass Cartoon Character Is appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Praising the latest of the car's bleeding-edge features that felt like they came from the future, Cybertruck owner Anselm Hart bragged to friends Monday about its high-tech pedal that makes the vehicle accelerate when pressed. It's this bonkers, next-level thing that lets you go fast when push it down on it with your foot," [...]The post Cybertruck Owner Brags About High-Tech Pedal That Makes Vehicle Accelerate When Pressed appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-In an act that demonstrated a singularly cold-blooded focus, 32-year-old Andrew Thompson reportedly turned off his phone Monday with the intensity of a mobster smothering a key witness with a pillow. Sources confirmed that as Thompson grasped the iPhone, his right hand shook while pushing down its side power button as if he were struggling [...]The post Phone Manually Turned Off With Intensity Of Mobster Smothering Witness With Pillow appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying that she was probably just bloated from the milkshake, grilled cheese, and deep-fried Oreos her running mate had ordered them both for breakfast, Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris struggled to button her pantsuit Monday after a month of hanging out with Tim Walz. Hoo, buddy, I know Tim and I have been eating a [...]The post Kamala Harris Struggling To Button Pantsuit After Month Of Hanging Out With Tim Walz appeared first on The Onion.

Slavery reparations bill H.R. 40, named after the unfulfilled Civil War promise of 40 acres and a mule," has been introduced in every congressional session since 1989.The Onionexamines the pros and cons of reparations for Black Americans. PRO: Get to watch some poor sucker decide who's included and who's not. CON: Whole point of slavery [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Reparations appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Covering the Browns vs. Cowboys game for his highly anticipated Fox Sports broadcasting debut, Tom Brady provided a detailed analysis Sunday of how easy it would be for him to take Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott's job. As someone who competed in the NFL against Dak for seven seasons, I know his game very well, and [...]The post Tom Brady Provides Detailed Analysis Of How Easy It Would Be For Him ToTake Dak Prescott's Job appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Wincing at the sound of the two palms coming into contact with each other, the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff reportedly held its breath Sunday after Joe Burrow endured a rough high-five from a teammate. Oof, that looked like it hurt," said commentator Ian Eagle, who narrated a replay of the congratulatory gesture showing the 27-year-old [...]The post Bengals Coaching Staff Holding Breath After Joe Burrow Endures Rough High-Five appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Growing increasingly alarmed as she stared at her boyfriend Travis Kelce's upcoming 2024 schedule, a horrified Taylor Swift reportedly realized for the first time Friday that football happens every year. So football...that's not just a thing Travis did last fall for a couple of months-that's something that's going to happen again and again?" [...]The post Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year appeared first on The Onion.

PLAINS, GA-Opening his eyes to find an empty room eerily devoid of any sounds, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly awoke Friday to learn that he had seemingly outlived every single person in America. Hello? Is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?" said the 99-year-old in a shouted plea, stumbling through the halls of an abandoned [...]The post Jimmy Carter Awakens To Learn He Outlived Every Single Person In America appeared first on The Onion.

Venezuela's authoritarian leader Nicolas Maduro decreed that Christmas will start Oct. 1 in the country, the announcement coming as Venezuela grapples with the fallout from a July presidential election that saw Maduro claim a third term despite global skepticism and outcry from the country's opposition movement. What do you think?The post Venezuelan President Declares Christmas In October appeared first on The Onion.

Despite its looming U.S. ban, TikTok continues to grow in popularity, with over 1 billion active monthly users across the globe.The Onionshares tips for growing your follower count on the social media platform.The post Tips For Growing Your TikTok Following appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Catering to consumers whose dogs have an aversion to outdoor surfaces, pet accessory brand Wild One unveiled new antigravity hover shoes Friday designed to protect canine paws from hazards by allowing the wearer to float up to six inches off the ground. We're thrilled to introduce thesestylish and practicalbooties to help your pup avoid [...]The post New Antigravity Hover Shoes Protect Dogs' Paws From Anything Within 6 Inches Of Ground appeared first on The Onion.

SYDNEY-In an outpouring of criticism in which the expression of remorse was disparaged as an affront to the art form, Olympian Rachael Gunn's apology to the breakdance community sparked outrage Thursday from the apology community. Quite frankly, it looked like she had never said sorry before in her life," celebrated apologizer Lily Mickleburg told reporters, [...]The post Raygun's Apology To Breakdancing Community Sparks Outrage From Apology Community appeared first on The Onion.

LOVES PARK, IL-Firm in his refusal to move on to the next tee until his standards had been met, area dad Greg Nevins announced Thursday that he was not leaving this mini golf hole until his son Logan showed him some good form. Come on, enough playing around-now square your shoulders and keep your damn [...]The post Dad Not Leaving This Mini Golf Hole Until Son Shows Him Some Good Form appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-In a triumphant victory over longtime rival Takeru Kobayashi during a live-streamed Netflix special, competitive eater Joey Chestnut reportedly ate the entire cast ofStranger Things in under 10 minutes Thursday. There were times in there when I didn't know if I'd be able to choke down another one of those kids, but I just [...]The post Joey Chestnut Eats Entire Cast Of Stranger Things' In Under 10 Minutes appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Sending commuters into a panic, a switchblade-wielding subway rider was reportedly locked in a tense standoff Thursday with a penis-wielding rider. As soon as the two of these guys made eye contact, everybody knew there was no way they were getting out of there without a fight," said witness Gary Sanborn, 38, adding that passengers [...]The post Switchblade-Wielding Subway Rider Locked In Standoff With Penis-Wielding Subway Rider appeared first on The Onion.

Supporters of MDMA therapy say the treatment eases the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, producing lifesaving results for groups such as veterans. Here is what you need to know about the experimental new treatment. Q: Why did the FDA recently reject MDMA-assisted therapy?A: They believe it could be a gateway to harder therapies. Q: What [...]The post What To Know About MDMA Therapy appeared first on The Onion.

WINDER, GA-In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed at least four individuals and injured nine others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This was [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.

DAVENPORT, IA-Lauded for his courage and good cheer even in the face of adversity, local high school quarterback Brett Modine, who was paralyzed during a practice scrimmageearlier in the year, was praised as a hero this week for not suing. Real bravery is taking it on the chin like Brett did and still finding it [...]The post Paralyzed High School Quarterback Praised As Hero For Not Suing appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Largely conforming with the preexistingresearch on the subject, a cautious study published Wednesday by researchers at Harvard University found whatever everyone else found. After exhaustive trials and data analysis, our team can confirm that we have made discoveries totally in line with the stuff that other scientists discovered," said the study's lead author, Mark [...]The post Cautious Study Finds Whatever Everyone Else Found appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Drawing mixed reactions from viewers with its attempt to flesh out the backstory of the popular cleaning products mascot, a new ad released by Procter & Gamble this week generated controversy with its revelation that Mr. Clean only dates Black women. The beloved and iconic Mr. Clean has long been known for his smile, his [...]The post Controversial Ad Reveals Mr. Clean Only Dates Black Women appeared first on The Onion.