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on (#6HYJJ)
MINNEAPOLIS-Showing how the method provided the basis for developments as diverse as the light bulb and the quantum computer, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Minnesota found that the majority of innovations involved hot-gluing one thing onto another thing. A comprehensive analysis of...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 19:30 |
on (#6HYJK)
Madison Marsh, a Harvard graduate and 2nd lieutenant in the Air Force who was crowned Miss Colorado in May, was named 2024's Miss America, becoming the first member of the military to win the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HYJM)
In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HY1R)
Former President Donald Trump won the Iowa Republican Caucus on Monday with 51% of the vote, beating out challengers Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) and Nikki Haley. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HXXZ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday.Read more...
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on (#6HXTJ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. At first, I wasn't sure if the venue would let me book it for a single hour in the middle of the...Read more...
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on (#6HXNQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-Stressing that she felt almost entirely numb as she entered her fourth hour of viewership, local kindergartner Amelia Sanders told reporters Wednesday that she needed increasingly intense YouTube videos of a Latvian woman playing with Barbies just to feel anything. God, all it used to take was some...Read more...
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on (#6HXNR)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-With its legislature passing a resolution that cited the rich and significant history of the reproductive organ, Florida named the penis its official state genital on Wednesday. It fills me with great pleasure to sign this legislation recognizing the profound influence of the human penis on the...Read more...
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on (#6HXNS)
Pope Francis recently called surrogacy deplorable" and a grave violation" that exploits the birth mother and the unborn child. The Onion asked Catholics why they opposed surrogacy, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HXKB)
An X post showing a hole in the sidewalk of West Roscoe Street in Chicago in the precise shape of a rat where it fell in wet concrete went viral last week, turning the spot into an overnight tourist destination, with hundreds showing up to snap a picture, toss a penny for luck, or pour out a shot of Malort in...Read more...
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on (#6HXKC)
ARLINGTON, TX-Easing back into shape after a long offseason, frail, emaciated Major League Baseball players confirmed Wednesday that they were still a few weeks away from regaining the strength necessary to lift a single baseball. It's going to take a lot of work, but we should be able to pick up the ball without...Read more...
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on (#6HXKD)
VALPARAISO, IN-Frowning and reaching for her reading glasses so she could see better, local mother Justine Artese was reportedly asking her phone Wednesday what that one thing was called. Alexis [sic], tell me, what is the thing?" said Artese, who was seen in her quest for knowledge holding down the volume button on...Read more...
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on (#6HX65)
According to a poll from the Angus Reid Institute, two thirds of Canadians surveyed said they don't think democracy will withstand another presidential term with Donald Trump in the White House, with 49% of respondents also saying that the U.S. is on the way to becoming an authoritarian state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HWZN)
LOS ANGELES-With the hopes of learning more about the reclusive and oft-unseen individuals, 3.1 million viewers reportedly watched the 75th Emmy Awards to catch a rare glimpse of TV actors. What's fascinating is that you get this peek at these deeply private people who emerge to be seen in public for just one...Read more...
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on (#6HWZP)
DES MOINES, IA-After she was awakened by a number of strange sounds emanating from the house, local parents Peter and Margaret Lohan reportedly assured their frightened 7-year-old on Tuesday that the creaking noises from her bedroom walls were probably just signs the house was getting hungry. Don't worry, honey-those...Read more...
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on (#6HWSN)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery.Read more...
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on (#6HWQ3)
Yellowstone, a show that has become mandatory viewing for white males over 50, follows cattle rancher Jon Dutton as he navigates the struggles of owning and operating Yellowstone Dutton Ranch. If you know someone who watches the wildly popular TV series, here are things you should never say to them.Read more...
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on (#6HWQ5)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery. Our findings indicate that when kids are raised by divorced parents, they develop a...Read more...
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on (#6HWN9)
GALENA, IL-Saying that she didn't want to wait until she graduated high school to give her 6-month-old a baby brother or sister, local teen mom Lacey Reed told reporters Tuesday that she wanted another one. I know I'm still just in my junior year, but pretty soon I'd like to try for number two," said the 16-year-old,...Read more...
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on (#6HWNA)
WASHINGTON-Faced with a growing appetite and a dwindling amount of time, the nation settled for sandwiches from Jimmy John's on Tuesday, according to sources. Look, they're cheap and they're open, so let's just order, okay?" Will Rhinehart of Terre Haute, IN said to his family, who were among the 335 million...Read more...
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on (#6HWNB)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dupe others into believing she was in her office working rigorously at all hours of the day, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rigged up a dummy Tuesday to look as if it were typing anytime someone cracked the office door. According to White House sources, whenever the door was opened...Read more...
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on (#6HW07)
Findings from a project comparing modern DNA with samples from ancient human teeth and bones allowed scientists to find disease-linked genes following prehistoric migrations, tracing a path back to the Bronze Age Yamnaya people who probably carried the genetic mutation to protect the nomadic herders from infections...Read more...
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on (#6HW08)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW09)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW0A)
GENEVA, IL-Thanking her two children profusely for the lovely and thoughtful gift, local mom Tammy Idles immediately used a birthday present Monday to make her husband a meal. So, who wants to try out my new air fryer?" said Idles, who within 60 seconds of unwrapping the box had already plugged the device into the...Read more...
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on (#6HW0B)
DES MOINES, IA-In a last-ditch effort to increase turnout for the crucial first-in-the-nation presidential contest, candidate Ron DeSantis reportedly went door-to-door Monday to beg his own campaign staff to vote for him. Hey there, ma'am, sorry to bother you, but could I take just a bit of your time to talk...Read more...
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on (#6HVX8)
BOSTON-Praising the 43-year-old's lengthy record of misconduct and exploitation, local nursing home Sunrise Living reportedly hired manager Carl Strasberg Monday after discovering he had two decades of elder abuse experience. Once we saw how Mr. Strasberg's sheer negligence helped increase accidental death...Read more...
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on (#6HW0C)
GLEN ELLYN, IL-Gesturing excitedly at the screen while the ambivalent canine lay beside him, local man John Eggert urged his dog Monday to pay attention while a dog was on TV. Look, look, Pickles-that dog looks just like you," Eggert said to his 6-year-old dachshund mix, who, despite her owner waking her up, turning...Read more...
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on (#6HVX9)
MIAMI-Addressing the swirling rumors about her love interest being closely associated with her ex-husband Scottie Pippen's former NBA teammate, reality television personality Larsa Pippen released a statement Monday confirming that she's dating Michael Jordan's gym bag. It's true-I am currently in a serious,...Read more...
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on (#6HTDD)
ORILLA, IA-With flights grounded and roads buried under inches of snow, blizzard conditions in Iowa reportedly forced Republican primary opponents Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley to share a hotel room Friday. Seriously? There's not even a sofa?" said Haley, who groaned and returned DeSantis' brooding scowl with a fiery...Read more...
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on (#6HTDE)
MONTECITO, CA-Years after stepping back from their royal duties to live a more independent life and earn their own money, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday their new plan to make a fortune running a self-storage facility. Though it took some time, we finally scraped together enough cash to make an offer...Read more...
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on (#6HTDF)
As polls show Nikki Haley edging out his lead in New Hampshire, former President Donald Trump started a birther rumor about his political rival, falsely stating that her Indian immigrant parents were not citizens when she was born in South Carolina and throwing into question her eligibility for the presidency. What do ...Read more...
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on (#6HRB6)
LOS ANGELES-In a post to the app that garnered dozens of likes, local NextDoor user Janine Parry reportedly came right out and asked this week if it was okay to set a homeless man on fire. Hey all, I've seen this guy around the neighborhood a few times, and I was wondering if anyone would mind if I doused him in...Read more...
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on (#6HRYQ)
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL-Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places. What kind of sick person would do this at a dental practice, a place...Read more...
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on (#6HQER)
According to the National Transportation Safety Board, the Alaska Airlines plane that lost a piece of its fuselage in midair had a pressurization warning light go off during three recent flights, and work to determine the cause of the warning was not done before takeoff last Friday. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HQAT)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HQ3K)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HPYP)
ANCHORAGE, AK-Stating that she had heard both perspectives and could understand their frustrations, marriage counselor Laurie Hartford reportedly told couple David and Julia Carter that she ultimately had to side with the hotter spouse. So, I've listened to everything you've had to say, and I've come to the...Read more...
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on (#6HPYR)
MILWAUKEE-Promising to violate any and all personal space, the nation's strangers held a press conference Tuesday to announce their plan to stand near you. Whether it's on the subway, in a coffee shop, at the bank, or in a park-we will closely hover around you and breathe on your neck," said sources who asked not to...Read more...
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on (#6HP25)
DENVER-Saying the company needed more workers without any hobbies, interests, or social life, local boss Ross Baresh confirmed Monday that he was impressed by what a friendless loser his hardworking employee Kyle Weinrib must be. I must say, I'm taking a real shine to Kyle and how utterly incapable he is of fostering...Read more...
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on (#6HP26)
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX-Noting a significant increase in engagement and participation, psychologists confirmed Monday that local father Chris O'Neill was most present while encouraging his children to knock it off. It was remarkable-instead of being distracted by outside intrusions like his phone or the television, Chris...Read more...
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on (#6HP27)
Though they belong to the most popular religion in the world, Christians remain mercilessly persecuted by a depraved subset of maniacs who do not believe in God. The Onion asked Christians why atheists are bullies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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