The Onion

HIALEAH, FL-Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad Brett Colston declared Friday that his favorite piece of media was a commercial from 2005. I'm not sure if it was a Super Bowl ad originally, but you guys have to see it if I can [...]The post Dad's Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word HELP' has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed, and several stuffed animals,a newly released tranche of Epstein files revealedFriday that Deepak Chopra was still lost on the private island of Little St. James. From whatwecan gather, Chopra has been deliriously wandering the now largely [...]The post Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. I'm still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past [...]The post Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Jelly Roll, the artist behind songs Son Of A Sinner" and Save Me," has announced a 2026 tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Walmart bathroom Legal Name: Davidson County Inmate No. 248323 Genre: Country for people who don't like music Easily Identifiable By: Tattoo-shaped birthmarks on face Common [...]The post Artist Profile: Jelly Roll appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Doing everything within her power to ensure the big day would beabsolutely perfect, pop superstar Taylor Swift paid off a bride who had booked the maid of honor she wanted, sources confirmed Friday. I just really had my heart set on Lindsey," said the multiplatinum recording artist who reportedly made a cash offer of [...]The post Taylor Swift Pays Off Bride Who Booked Maid Of Honor She Wanted appeared first on The Onion.

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A mother in North Carolina who went missing while Christmas shopping 24 years ago was found alive and well," though she claimed she did not want to be contacted by her family. What do you think?The post Mother Who Went Missing In 2001 Found Alive appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO-In a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. Okay, so the [...]The post Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration,FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie's mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month," said Patel, [...]The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie's Captors appeared first on The Onion.

The British royal family is under pressure to remove Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from its line of succession. The Onion sat down with the former prince to discuss his arrest and connection to Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion: Any reaction to the accusations against you? Mountbatten-Windsor: On advice of counsel, I can only state that my name is [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Former Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion.

CHANDLER, AZ-Noting that he had showna lot of vulnerability by communicating his true feelings so explicitly, sources confirmed Thursday that an ex's deaththreat provedhowmuchhereallycares. When you two were together you often felt that he didn't put in any effort, so it's not really fair to turn around and complain about it now," said those close [...]The post Death Threat Proves How Much Ex Really Cares appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Admitting that her medical knowledge was very limited" before landing the role of nurse Dana Evans, actress Katherine LaNasa told reporters Thursday that she had never heard of blood beforeThe Pitt. At first I wasn't even pronouncing it right," said the 59-year-old Emmy winner and HBO star, who credited the series' genius" team of [...]The post Katherine LaNasa Admits She Had Never Heard Of Blood Before The Pitt' appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Putting to rest a debate that had stirred in the art world for decades, newly uncovered letters from Georgia O'Keeffe made public this week confirmed long-running speculation that the painter's iconic flower works were in fact veiled depictions of basset hounds. I want to tell you about the paintings-those flowers, Alfred-and all of [...]The post Uncovered Georgia O'Keeffe Letters Confirm Paintings Were Veiled Depictions Of Basset Hounds appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Calling the project a crucial piece of world-building for an iconic sci-fi saga, filmmaker James Cameron revealed Thursday that the next movie in his blockbuster Avatar franchise would focus on the vast menagerie of sodas available in the fictional world of Pandora. We're really going to show how the soda selection on Pandora is [...]The post James Cameron Reveals Next Avatar' Movie Will Focus On Vast Menagerie Of Sodas Available On Pandora appeared first on The Onion.

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Brad Reese, the grandson of the man who invented the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, is publicly criticizing The Hershey Company, accusing the candy giant of replacing traditional ingredients like milk chocolate and peanut butter with low-cost substitutes. What do you think?The post Grandson Of Reese's Cup Inventor Blasts Hershey's Recipe Change appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Responding to concerns that his upcoming Michael Jackson biopic would downplay accusations of sexual abuse involving the late singer, Michael director Antoine Fuqua revealed to reporters Wednesday that the film would fully confront allegations against actor Kevin Spacey. Though it might make people uncomfortable, no movie about the King of Pop would be complete [...]The post Michael' Director Reveals Biopic Will Fully Confront Allegations Against Kevin Spacey appeared first on The Onion.

WAUKESHA, WI-Saying his approach to parenting was hands-off" as far as imparting fundamental life lessons was concerned, local dad Derrick Pomeroy told reporters Wednesday that he wasreally countingonsportstoinstillall of the corevalueshis two children would need in life. I could probably find more opportunities to teach my kids about fairness and self-discipline, but with any luck, [...]The post Local Dad Really Banking On Sports To Instill Core Values In Children appeared first on The Onion.

Large swaths of western Mexico have been shut down after a surge in cartel violence sparked by the killing of one of the world's most wanted drug kingpins, known as El Mencho", in a military raid, with foreign governments warning their citizens to stay inside. What do you think?The post Mexican Cartel Leader Killing Unleashes Wave Of Violence appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA-Explaining that watching his movements on video had really helped him identify weaknesses and track his gains and losses, local bodybuilder Antonio Vergara filmed himself eating chicken Wednesday to make sure his form was correct. People don't realize it, but over 70% of injuries from ingesting lean proteins happen because of bad technique," said Vergara, [...]The post Bodybuilder Films Self Eating Chicken To Make Sure Form Correct appeared first on The Onion.

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GRAND RAPIDS, MI-Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. I thought [...]The post At No Point While Rewatching Every Planet Of The Apes' Does It Occur To Man He Might Be Depressed appeared first on The Onion.

SYDNEY-Responding to backlash following the release of Netflix's America's Next Top Model docuseries, supermodel and television personality Tyra Banks stated Tuesday that taking abuse from Tyra Banks is simply how the modeling industry works. You can ask hundreds of models around the world, and they'll all tell you that getting emotionally abused by Tyra Banks [...]The post Tyra Banks Says Taking Abuse From Tyra Banks Simply Reflective Of How The Industry Works appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In an effort to protect visitors to the violently contested territories south of the U.S. border, the State Department advised American tourists on Monday to temporarily avoid shootouts with Mexican drug cartels. While at this time, we see no need for American travelers to cancel their vacations, we do strongly recommend that they refrain from [...]The post U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels appeared first on The Onion.

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If passed into law, the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act will create new barriers to voting in federal elections by requiring documentation of citizenship to register and imposing strict photo-identification rules at polling places. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the SAVE America Act. Q: What is the goal of the bill? [...]The post What To Know About The SAVE America Act appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying his advocacy for consuming animal products had painted a target on his back, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Monday that anti-protein extremists had left a head of lettuce on his doorstep. Yesterday morning when my wife went out to get the paper, she discovered a gruesome threat left by [...]The post RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an unprecedented effort to pour gas on the fire" and grow the popularity of the league, NHL officials announced Monday that it was launching a new $800 marketing campaign in a major push to attract new fans. Move over, NFL and NBA, because we are pulling out all the stops to make the [...]The post NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Admitting He felt torn between His true feelings and His fear of the unknown, the Lord God Almighty announced Monday that He no longer loved humanity but was too afraid to leave. Any affection I ever had for the human race is long gone, but I'm just terrified at the thought of walking away [...]The post GodAdmitsHeNo LongerLovesHumanityButIsToo AfraidToLeave appeared first on The Onion.

Mexico introduced tactical robot dogs as part of security preparations for the 2026 FIFA World Cup, with officials claiming the robotic units will assist police with surveillance, monitoring, and intervention operations during the international soccer tournament. What do you think?The post Mexico To Deploy Robotic Police Dogs For 2026 FIFA World Cup appeared first on The Onion.

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The Potomac River, a waterway that winds through the nation's capital, is in the midst of an ecological crisis after one of the largest sewage spills in U.S. history, with over 240 million gallons of raw human waste threatening the health of the river and the safety of those who depend on it. What do [...]The post Potomac River Flooded With 240 Million Gallons Of Sewage appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Exhausted from repeated efforts to explain the most basic aspect of political power, an aide to President Trump nevertheless began wearily explaining for the fifth time Friday why he couldn't pardon the former Prince Andrew. I know Andrew is a good man who's been treated terribly, but you remember when we learned a few minutes [...]The post Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can't Pardon Prince Andrew appeared first on The Onion.

LONG BEACH, CA-Encouraging his child to puther language skills to good use, local father Paul Feldman urged his daughter Alice to show off her high school Spanish with a guy on the street speaking Spanish, sources confirmed Friday. This is a great opportunity to show off that B+ you gotinSenorShapiro's class," said Feldman, assuring his [...]The post Dad Urges Daughter To Show Off High School Spanish With Guy On Street Speaking Spanish appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA-Shifting uncomfortably in his chair and glancing around for the waiter, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton was wondering if the fact his date kept describing her ex as crazy" was a red flag, sources confirmed Friday. She's going on and on about all this allegedly insane stuff he's said and done, but come [...]The post Lewis Hamilton Wondering If It Red Flag After Date Keeps Calling Ex Crazy' appeared first on The Onion.

A U.S. district judge ruled Buffalo Wild Wings can continue to call its popular menu item boneless wings" even though they are essentially chicken nuggets." What do you think?The post Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using Boneless' Chicken On Menu appeared first on The Onion.

The U.S. and New Zealand are the only two countries in the world that allow direct-to-consumer prescription drug advertising. The Onion examines the pros and cons of pharmaceutical ads. PRO Great way to learn about exciting new side effects Lets international tourists visiting U.S. know exactly what they're in for Good reminder to not take [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Drug Advertising appeared first on The Onion.

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that a high-fat, low-carbohydrate diet, widely known as the keto diet, can cure certain psychiatric conditions including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, citing a Harvard physician Dr. Pollan" who doesn't appear to exist. What do you think?The post RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a discovery that increased doubt about the popular diet trend, a study published Thursday by Columbia University researchers found that intermittent fasting was no more effective than conventional eating disorders. While abstaining from food for several hours has gained far-reaching acceptance in recent years, the evidence suggests that it produces comparable results to [...]The post Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder appeared first on The Onion.