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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ5)
WASHINGTON-Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. Hope you aren't too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back [...]The post Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-03 18:50 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ6)
Significant mystery has cloaked a 14,400-square-foot Tuscan-style villa and a second, adjacent mansion purchased by the world's richest man for himself and his extensive family. Here,The Onionuncovers what's inside Elon Musk's $35 million Texas compound.The post Inside Elon Musk's Texas Compound appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCQ7)
RAFAH, GAZA-Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a mass grave, Israel claimed this week that the slain Palestinians did not properly identify themselves as human. Unfortunately, upon their encounter with IDF soldiers, these Palestinians provided no documentation indicating they were sentient beings entitled to basic [...]The post Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn't Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHQ)
After performing as a musical guest on the show to promote his upcoming album, Morgan Wallen made headlines when he abruptly left the Saturday Night Live stage. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Bass Pro Shops Pyramid, Tennessee Genre: See name Default Setting: Aggrieved Fandom Name: Whites Controversies: 2016-present Favorite [...]The post Artist Profile: Morgan Wallen appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCHR)
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR-Saying things had only gone downhill after a terrible morning, lawful U.S. resident Oscar Fernandez-Lopez, 38, stated Wednesday that he had already been having a bad day before being deported to the Salvadoran mega-prison known as CECOT. I knew things were heading in the wrong direction when I spilled coffee on my shirt, [...]The post Man Already Having Bad Day Deported To Salvadoran Mega-Prison appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WCE5)
BEND, OR-Pointing out how the 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier was already shaking with anticipation, avid bungee jumper Isaac Branch confirmed Thursday that his dog also loves bungee jumping. Rocko's obsessed with bungee jumping-he does it all the time!" said Branch, 25, who described the 15-pound canine as a total adrenaline junky" who gets so riled [...]The post Dog Loves Bungee Jumping, Owner Of Bungee-Jumping Dog Reports appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBVE)
The abrupt cancellation of government funding for programs to help food banks distribute healthy, local food is being felt across the country, with some already strapped organizations turning to their local communities for help. What do you think?The post U.S. Food Banks Struggle Under Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBRP)
SAN DIEGO-With the spellbound audience in the Marine Trash Experience amphitheater shouting and squealing with excitement, SeaWorld visitors were reportedly delighted Wednesday by a live garbage-patch feeding. The keepers threw a bunch of plastic bags into the middle of the habitat, and all of a sudden this enormous blob of debris floated up and swallowed [...]The post SeaWorld Visitors Delighted By Live Garbage-Patch Feeding appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ2)
SPRINGFIELD, VA-In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the total fucking bitch" who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. We have been far too lenient to the [...]The post DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WBJ1)
The post Washington Monument Collapses After Someone Pulls Loose Block appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WB4J)
Donald Trump claimed he is not joking about the possibility of seeking a third presidential term despite it being barred by the Constitution, asserting that there are methods" by which he can circumvent the prohibition. What do you think?The post Trump Not Joking' About Seeking Third Term appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAZN)
The post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAX3)
ITHACA, NY-As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow [...]The post College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQD)
MANCHESTER, NH-Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of [...]The post COBRA Extension Lets Terminated Employees Continue Raiding Office Fridge For 18 Months appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight [...]The post Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQB)
LANSING, MI-Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle's funeral reception said Party Size!" on it. We're going to need refreshments for at least 40 people, but it feels wrong having all these festive colors and exclamation [...]The post Only Bag Of Chips Big Enough For Funeral Reception Says Party Size!' On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQA)
LYNCHBURG, VA-In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic [...]The post Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA68)
The post Trump Says He Won't Rule Out Third Reich appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA69)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents' Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor of terrified silence. After much deliberation, we have opted to part ways with Ms. Ruffin so we can refocus [...]The post White House Correspondents' Dinner Scraps Host In Favor Of Terrified Silence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA0W)
The post Dietary Restrict-Funs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA3Q)
The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think?The post Kermit The Frog To Deliver University Of Maryland Commencement Speech appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VD)
NEW YORK-Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. Nothing makes me feel better than heading down to the park in my spare time and serving up a bunch of [...]The post Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. We're committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we're now requiring everyone who works here to [...]The post Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VB)
The post Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VA)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA," said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as [...]The post Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9V9)
As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of your own. Decide if you'll be raising chickens for food, companionship, or blood sacrifice. [...]The post Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W8F5)
A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel more connected to influencers than to actors. What do you think?The post Gen Z, Millennials Prefer Influencer Content Over Premium Entertainment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C3)
VATICAN CITY-Saying the pontiff's abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with death. Ever since Pope Francis got out of the hospital, he's been pretty much nonstop with [...]The post Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C4)
A United Airlines flight headed to Shanghai from LAX last weekend had to turn around after two hours in the air when one of the pilots realized he had forgotten his passport. What do you think?The post United Flight Turns Around After Pilot Forgets Passport appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C5)
MADISON, WI-Amid his political action committee's campaign to influence a closely contested Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Elon Musk told reporters Friday that he was amazed by how much cheaper bribing voters was in the Midwest. I knew there was a lower cost of bribing out here, but I didn't expect to find this many votes [...]The post Elon Musk Amazed At How Much Cheaper Bribing Voters Is In Midwest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C6)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83Q)
SARTELL, MN-Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating [...]The post Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83P)
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN-Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. I...I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my [...]The post Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83N)
Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Hallow. Q: Who is Hallow aimed at? A: Lapsed Catholics seeking a closer connection with Mark Wahlberg. Q: Is Hallow only [...]The post What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83M)
AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the [...]The post New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83K)
WASHINGTON-In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war,President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that talk, make wisecracks, and have real emotions just like people. For too long, the American market for cars that not only talk but have a personality all their own has [...]The post Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83J)
The post Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EX)
VATICAN CITY-With many remarking that they'd had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. I'll take these fragments of the true cross, I'll take St. Peter's bones, and before [...]The post Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EY)
WASHINGTON-In protest of the publication's coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after 48 years as a loyal reader. Their more literary stuff remains unimpeachable, but I just can't stand their political reporting anymore," said the commander-in-chief, who confirmed that he had just [...]The post Furious Trump Cancels Atlantic' Subscription After 48 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7BM)
More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding SNAP. MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won't actually save the government money. FACT: Cutting food stamp funding will eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens. MYTH: People who receive food stamps [...]The post Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W78Q)
WASHINGTON-Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone," said the head of the nation's largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention [...]The post Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75H)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having [...]The post Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75G)
LOS ANGELES-Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure [...]The post Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BE)
CHICAGO-Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found that anti-science attitudes were strongest amongst those who believe turtles have a little apartment inside their shell. Americans who reject or question established scientific consensus are more likely to maintain the wholly unsupported theory that when a [...]The post Report: Anti-Science Attitude Strongest Among Those Who Believe Turtle Has Little Apartment Inside Shell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BD)
TULSA, OK-Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O'Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman's fatal hot air balloon accident. I think it's fine to say something like, Lisa was an adventurous spirit,' but it's [...]The post Funeral Priest Not Sure How Obliquely To Talk About Hot Air Balloon Accident appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BC)
SUNNYVALE, CA-Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the 52-year-old data engineer emptied the contents of her desk drawers, filing cabinet, and mini fridge into the cardboard [...]The post Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BB)
Embattled genetic testing company 23andMe, once valued at $6 billion, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the company having initially rocketed into the mainstream because of its at-home DNA testing kits that gave customers insight into their family histories and genetic profiles. What do you think?The post 23andMe Files For Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BA)
The post Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn't Know appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V6)
Top national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military strikes in Yemen to a group chat in a secure messaging app that included the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, with the National Security Council saying the text chain appears to be authentic." What do you think?The post Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans appeared first on The Onion.