The Onion

LOS ANGELES-In an effort to support his children as they attempted to distance themselves from their difficult upbringing, actorBrad Pitt announced on Monday that he was dropping his surname in solidarity with his family. I understand why my kids want no part of Pitt,' and if they don't want it, neither do I," said the [...]The post Brad Pitt Drops Last Name In Solidarity With Family appeared first on The Onion.

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GRAND JUNCTION, CO-Pausing as he lifted a forkful of lettuce and baby spinach toward his mouth, local man Logan Barger reportedly took a moment Monday to appreciate what a good boy he was being as he ate his salad. Wow, look at all these greens, not to mention the cucumber slices and the cherry tomatoes," [...]The post Man Eating Salad Takes Moment To Appreciate What A Good Boy He's Being appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Pulling out their phones to capture footage of the extraordinary event, lucky participants in a Chicago architecture tour reportedly witnessed a rare live feeding of the Willis Tower on Monday. In my 20 years of leading tours in the Windy City, I've never seen anything quite like this," said tour guide Anthony Gillespie, noting that [...]The post Lucky Chicago Architecture Tour Witnesses Live Feeding Of Willis Tower appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. I can't believe I didn't spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here," said Frachs, who claimed [...]The post Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC-Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn't already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. It's been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven't gotten a [...]The post One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year.The post Bestselling Beach Reads appeared first on The Onion.

Whether you're out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night. Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth. Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like Greensleeves" or Froggy Went A-Courtin'." Practice [...]The post Tips For Karaoke appeared first on The Onion.

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With her roles in the current and upcoming blockbusters The Odyssey, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and Dune: Part Three, Zendaya is having a banner year. The Onion sat down with the star to discuss what's new and what's next. The Onion: What drew you to The Odyssey ? Zendaya: I've always had a passion for large [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Zendaya appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Noting that the extra small available on the sales floor just wouldn't work for his client, Zendaya's stylist Law Roach reportedly asked a store associate Thursday if she had Tom Holland in any other sizes. Excuse me? This sample size won't work for Z, she's very tall," said Roach, who was overheard demanding that [...]The post Law Roach Asks Store Associate If She Has Tom Holland In Different Size appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your life, even if it's just for a few thrusts," said [...]The post Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-In an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with a signed permission slip from a legal guardian. This landmark treaty expressly forbids minors from enlisting in combat roles unless sanctioned by their parent or guardian," said International Committee of [...]The post New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-In what eyewitnesses described as a deeply disturbing and totally unhinged interaction, a Disney World Donald Duck reportedly warned a terrified child Thursday that he was once a normal little boy. I may look like a silly anthropomorphic duck, but I was once a child just like you," said the Donald Duck character, claiming [...]The post I Was Once A Normal Little Boy Like You,' Disney World Donald Duck Warns Terrified Child appeared first on The Onion.

Influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested in Florida on rape and sex trafficking charges and now face potential extradition to the U.K. What do you think?The post Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida appeared first on The Onion.

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BOSTON-Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. I just don't get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to [...]The post Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. not to microwave himself in the office kitchen. This is a shared space, and it's upsetting [...]The post RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting the new line of currency as an important way to recognize the many babes bagged by the commander-in-chief over the years, the U.S. Mint announced plans Wednesday to release a series of gold coins commemorating President Donald Trump's extramarital affairs. These coins will allow Americans to celebrate their nation's semiquincentennial by collecting 50 of [...]The post U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs appeared first on The Onion.

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A Pew study found that China was viewed more favorably than America among the 36 countries surveyed, reporting 46% and 36% favorability respectively. What do you think?The post China Viewed More Favorably Than U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Grunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel,author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled Tuba Man, Scuba Man." Hey, remember that idea I had about a big band leader using atubaas a diving bell to bring jazz to an underwater [...]The post George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled Tuba Man, Scuba Man' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. The House will come to order-oops, hold on, one minute," said the Louisiana Republican, appearing to perspire heavily [...]The post Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts appeared first on The Onion.

EAU CLAIRE, WI-Staring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like he was never going to be dry again after he got hit by a sprinkler Tuesday. Buchwald, who was described by friends and colleagues as an otherwise sane and rational person, [...]The post Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He's Never Going To Be Dry Again appeared first on The Onion.

BLASKOGABYGGD, ICELAND-Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24's upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisher invaded the set. Despite our security team's best efforts, a loincloth-wearing invader with the handle TwinkPunisher was able to gain [...]The post A24's Elden Ring' Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Dazed while trying to piece together the series of bizarre yet deeply vivid images,the entire nation reportedly awoke Monday from a strange dream in which it had been watching soccer. I wasn't just willingly viewing it, I actually cared who won, andI was tuning in right here in the United Statesinstead of watching it in [...]The post Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer appeared first on The Onion.

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MIAMI-Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, No bars can hold me!" this weekend as he entered his ninth consecutive hour of trying to pry open his cell. Prison is [...]The post No Bars Can Hold Me,' Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH-Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. I know change is hard, but Mommy and Daddy had a long and serious talk, and we think [...]The post Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. It may be hard to tell from where you're sitting, but trust me, I'm not taking it easy in Dreamland," said the 80-year-old Trump, who lashed out at reporters for asking questions [...]The post Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Concluding that Americans were being forced to endure huge stretches of the year without any obvious social pretext for serving warm bread, a new study published Monday by researchers at Cornell University found there simply aren't enough occasions where you get to eat rolls. Our data shows that the vast majority of people would [...]The post Study Finds There Aren't Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls appeared first on The Onion.

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Amid concerns over a $1.8 billion fund to compensate Jan. 6 rioters and his handling of the Epstein files, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche faces an uphill confirmation battle for the permanent job. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Trump nominee. Current Position: The most available one Legal Field: Crony law [...]The post Political Profile: Todd Blanche appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-Jeering that the other man's chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth Dufresne reportedly challenged his wife's muscular sidepiece to a battle of wits Friday. Your hypertrophied pectorals may have momentarily swayed Veronica from the path of marital fidelity, but let's see how you fare when not your [...]The post Wife's Muscular Sidepiece Challenged To Battle Of Wits appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO-Audibly groaning as everyone around him rose to their feet, local baseball fan Mark Girma told reporters Friday that he resented a fourth-inning home run for making him pause eating so he could clap. Oh, for Christ's sake, now?" said Girma, who had reportedly just squeezed his way down his row following a [...]The post Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Bursting through the stall door with a baseball bat hoisted over his head, director Christopher Nolan reportedly confronted moviegoer Luke Dias on Friday for using the bathroom during The Odyssey. You just couldn't hold it, could you?" the Oscar-winning filmmaker said as he kicked his victim off the toilet seat and delivered a violent [...]The post Bat-Wielding Christopher Nolan Confronts Man Using Bathroom During The Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.

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A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. MYTH: AI can never be ethical. FACT: Grok says it can. MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases. [...]The post AI: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. While I understand people's concern, I've simply been on a routine visit to the next world," said the seven-term Republican, [...]The post Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife appeared first on The Onion.

An Argentine court recognized two goldfish rescued from a sushi restaurant aquarium in Buenos Aires as sentient beings with legal rights, marking a major milestone for animal welfare. What do you think?The post Argentina Recognizes Goldfish As Sentient Beings With Rights appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, theSupreme Court's female justices nevertheless appeared before Congress this week to ask for protection from fellow justice Brett Kavanaugh. We understand that our safety cannot be guaranteed, but we are in a uniquely vulnerable position and have the right to carry [...]The post Female Supreme Court Justices Formally Request Protection From Brett Kavanaugh appeared first on The Onion.

GAINESVILLE, FL-Alarmed and disturbed by the sudden shift in tone, living room sources confirmed Thursday that local mother Jeanine Weaver's remembrance of Sam Neill had taken a lewd turn. He was a terrific actor, one of my favorites to watch-and mm, mm, what a man he was," said the 62-year-old woman who got a faraway [...]The post Mom's Remembrance Of Sam Neill Takes Lewd Turn appeared first on The Onion.