 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78ADN)
The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-11 12:49 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78AAK)
An explosive report revealed that the United Arab Emirates warned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about an imminent attack by Hamas 10 days before Oct. 7, with Netanyahu reportedly dismissing the threat that would end up destabilizing the region. What do you think?The post Bombshell Report Reveals Netanyahu Had Advanced Warning Of Oct. 7 Attacks appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78AAM)
Millions of Americans will embark on summer vacations this year. Reporters for The Onion asked stars to share their own warm weather plans. The post Stars Share Their Favorite Fall Fashion Secrets appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78AAN)
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Touting the gameplay element as the ultimate immersive experience, Rockstar Games announced Thursday that a new hyperrealistic Grand Theft Auto VI feature would force players to serve out prison sentences in real time. GTA VI is powered by a highly advanced gaming engine that actually sentences players to five to 10 years at a [...]The post Hyperrealistic GTA VI' Feature Makes Players Serve Out Prison Sentences In Real Time appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A84)
WASHINGTON-Saying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nation's blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11 attacks were happening every single day in Democratic cities. You go to Seattle or Minneapolis or any of those other crime-ridden hellholes, and you're gonna see planes smashing into skyscrapers constantly," [...]The post Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A5Z)
The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A3B)
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk: Was a bit of a loner as an adult Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo cosmetic chest cubing Once made a hibachi [...]The post Biggest Revelations From Musk' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A3C)
WASHINGTON-Saying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided,President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. I was on top of the North Tower during the attacks, and after I rescued a couple hundred people, I had [...]The post Trump Claims He Was Falling Man appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A09)
Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that she's dead.The post Linda Westerman appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#78A08)
WASHINGTON-Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus had escaped from their facility. While we have locked down the premises and cleared the surrounding [...]The post Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78A07)
More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they'll readily tell you why. They'll say it's too expensive, or boast about how they'd rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue it's unethical. Well, I've thought long and hard about bringing children into the world, and [...]The post I Want Kids So I'll Have Someone To Take Care Of Me When I Get Hammered appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#789J0)
The post Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7899K)
TORONTO-Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via blow job. We're looking forward to shining a spotlight on mental health this season, in [...]The post Heated Rivalry' Producers Tease Season 2 Arc In Which Ilya Diagnosed With Depression Only Blow Jobs Can Cure <hw></hw> appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7893V)
The post Groom's Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7893T)
A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers' continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think?The post Poll Finds Majority Of Republicans Support Unions appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7893S)
WASHINGTON-Announcing 60... 59...58..." through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation's smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday.The technologically advanced plumbing fixtures, some of which retail for as high as $25,000, are said to have initiated the sequence simultaneously in upscale [...]The post Nation's Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7893R)
The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge.The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7893Q)
This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879The post Commuter's Dream appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#788K0)
MIAMI-Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team's star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy Alcantara bobblehead for all of them to share. We'll leave it up to our amazing fans [...]The post Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#788DR)
The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do you think?The post More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#7887T)
WASHINGTON-Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief's physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump's health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse.This afternoon the president was seen flopping languidly on the back of a spooked chestnut mare that bolted across the White House South Lawn, leading [...]The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7887S)
CARY, NC-Describing the experience as a revelation," 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid.I remember googling the word stupid' for the first time, reading the definition, and thinking, Holy shit-this is me,'" said Henard, recalling that while he had initially been [...]The post Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#7887R)
The post Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump's Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7887Q)
Family and friends of Shawn Graham, 56, were shocked and saddened to learn that it costs $300 to submit an obituary to a newspaper.The post Shawn Graham appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7887P)
The FBI warns artificial intelligence is being exploited around the globe by criminals who use the technology for deception. The Onion shares tips for detecting AI scams. Check if the message is signed Captain Robot." Create a code word with Beyonce so you'll always know if it's actually her or a scammer. Ask personal questions [...]The post Tips For Detecting AI Scams appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#787M4)
ATLANTA-Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children. The agency confirmed that children had been the leading vector of disease nationally, posing grave risks to entire communities and contributing significantly to the [...]The post CDC Successfully Eradicates Children appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#787M3)
Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you'll ever be able to afford because that's just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436The post What Middle Class Looks Like Now appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#787M2)
DANBURY, CT-Marveling aloud that he had rarely been so sure of an athlete's unbridled potential, Huntington High School head football coach Michael McNeese said Monday he just had a good feeling about a new player that other kids on the team were referring to simply as Thunder Beef." McNeese told reporters he tabbed the massive [...]The post High School Football Coach Has Good Feeling About New Player Called Thunder Beef' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#785XR)
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. It's heartbreaking having assets leak out for any of our projects, but that's particularly the case when the grav-room immersion technology needed [...]The post Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of GTA IX' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#785TT)
Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix's newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a Gen Z content creator known for eating expired military rations. Q: I thought her name was Alex Cooper. A: Ask your [...]The post What To Know About Earle Meets World' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#785TS)
THE HEAVENS-Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. I could have given everyone on Earth perfect, symmetrical proportions, so why didn't I?" wondered [...]The post God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#785TR)
The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What do you think?The post PBR Offers $20,000 Reward For Lost Beer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#785TQ)
The post Home Heeled Advantage appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#785AB)
Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Apple's app store after refusing to comply with President Trump's executive order renaming Lake Ontario" to Lake America," overtaking Google Maps, Waze, and Apple Maps. What do you think?The post MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename Lake Ontario' appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7857F)
The post Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92 appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784Y4)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA-Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they're going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. Whether you've been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery [...]The post Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784Y3)
HERSHEY, PA-Calling into question the candy brand's apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element of eating Rolos. Rolo roll call!" a handsome young man in the ad says as he arrives at a crowded house party, [...]The post Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784Y2)
From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves fit throughout the season. Mental Skills In recent years, mental preparation has become a major emphasis across the league. Some defensive [...]The post Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784Y1)
Country star Ella Langley is breaking records with her hit song Choosin' Texas," which has now topped the Billboard Hot 100 for 20 weeks. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Nepotism Connection: Child of God Honors And Accolades: CMA Award For Female Vocalist Of The Year-Brunette Division Greatest Achievement: Endured [...]The post Artist Profile: Ella Langley appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784A1)
BRISTOL, CT-Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering a little boy sport," longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. They can hit each other, they can kick each other, they can break each other's arms-it's incredible. You can't do any [...]The post Tim Kurkjian Quits Baseball Tonight' After Discovering MMA appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784A2)
MARIETTA, GA-After the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition for most insane coworker. I never would've guessed that someone who's usually so bland would ever be in [...]The post Dark Horse Emerges In Competition For Most Insane Coworker appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#784A3)
CULVER CITY, CA-Amidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely suave ferret. Some of the biggest names in Hollywood are in the running, but a dark [...]The post Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78447)
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL-Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died,grieving widowerAnthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn't sure he'd ever love someone his age again.Linda was truly one of a kind, and no senior or even middle-aged woman will ever replace her,"said the 71-year-old, adding that after being married for [...]The post Grieving Widower Not Sure He'll Ever Love Someone His Age Again appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#783J9)
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be the biggest launch site on Earth." The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana? A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space. [...]The post What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#783A2)
SAN FRANCISCO-Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers computer parties." While the term data centers' currently has many negative associations, the word computer parties' is just plain fun," said Freeling, who in a presentation [...]The post AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers Computer Parties' appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#783A3)
ARLINGTON, TX-Noting the text was chock-full" of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster," said Lambert, who [...]The post Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#78370)
CARLSBAD, CA-Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren't Cheez-Its. Come on, come on, now that we've got all this health food out of the way, let's get [...]The post Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren't Cheez-Its appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7836Z)
NEW YORK-Condemning the widespread practice as cruel and inhumane," animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers' fun, easygoing brothers," said activist Heather Bolton, [...]The post Activists Decry Meat Industry's Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#7836Y)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of Philadelphia Eagles"-themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales.After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support," [...]The post Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New Philadelphia Eagles'-Themed Jerseys appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#782NC)
NEW YORK-Justifying the move as simply the next stage in journalism's continual evolution,The Wall Street Journalon Monday defended its decision to publish a Peggy Noonan-generated article. No matter how much you want to hold back the tide, you can't escape this obvious fact: The future of editorial writing is Noonan-based," said editorial page editor Paul [...]The post Wall Street Journal' Defends Decision To Publish Peggy Noonan-Generated Article appeared first on The Onion.
|