The Onion

GLENDALE, CA-Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian's burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies. You can see how he massages the outside to get an a well-balanced distribution of ingredients as he goes, so you know [...]The post Every Movement In Man's Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Blushing, short of breath, and unable to look away from the image, the Trump boys told reporters Thursday that they got a weird feeling after their Uncle Elon showed them a picture of a busty anime cat girl. Uncle Elon called us over to look at his phone, made us promise not to [...]The post Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a press conference Wednesday that there was a potential link between extraterrestrials and the giant metal claw currently picking up the Earth. We believe that the mechanical three-pronged hand recently spotted clasped around the Arctic may be controlled [...]The post NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After bending the rules with a celebratory serving in honor of his special day, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that President Joe Biden had been given human food as a birthday treat. I know he's not technically supposed to eat this kind of stuff, but we figure once in a while on a special occasion [...]The post Joe Biden Given Human Food As Birthday Treat appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom finally decided to settle down after mutually accepting that cousins weren't completely off the table.The post James Nardone and Lisa Reynolds appeared first on The Onion.

In one of the largest corporate blackmail schemes in modern history, the popular fast food chain has reportedly sent the following ultimatum to millions of its customers: "We know who you are. Wire $10,000 by midnight, or the world will know too."The post Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don't Pay appeared first on The Onion.

Four individuals were arrested for allegedly attempting to defraud their insurance companies by claiming a bear had damaged their vehicles, when in fact it was a person in a bear costume attacking the cars. What do you think?The post Bear Costume Used In Elaborate Car Insurance Fraud Scheme appeared first on The Onion.

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PALM BEACH, FL-Admitting that ever since he joined the campaign trail the billionaire tech mogul had refused to leave him alone, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly locked the bathroom door Tuesday so Elon Musk couldn't follow him in again. All right, Elon, out," an audibly frustrated Trump had said moments earlier as he stood up from [...]The post Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can't Follow Him In appeared first on The Onion.

Why did you agree to pay $300,000 over asking and sign something called an upside-down mortgage? Reference #324192The post Overpaying For The Rest Of Your Fucking Life appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-After being forced to eat McDonald's on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. I have to cut the McDonald's out before it attacks my other organs," said the nominee for secretary [...]The post Sweating RFK Jr. Performs Self-Surgery To Extract Big Mac From Stomach appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Receiving widespread condemnation from residents and government officials alike, the neo-Nazi march that took place in Ohio's capital on Saturday was slammed for not procuring the proper permits. This is not the kind of nation we are-this is a country where we go down to city hall and complete all the proper forms before [...]The post Nazi March Condemned For Not Procuring Proper Permits appeared first on The Onion.

I'm Ready, Man,' Declares Weary President WASHINGTON-Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. Effective immediately, I'm giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry [...]The post Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Long-Range Weapons On Him appeared first on The Onion.

The South Korean radical feminist 4B movement, in which women swear off marriage, childbirth, dating men, and sex with men, has sparked intense conversations among Americans on social media. Here is what you need to know about 4B. Q: How did the 4B movement start? A: It was developed in South Korea by a group [...]The post What To Know About The 4B Movement appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to end what he has called a war on public health" by the federal government, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee to oversee the Department of Health and Human Services, vowed Monday to ban all soaps that smell so good you eat a little. Big soap companies have been poisoning and deceiving American consumers [...]The post RFK Jr. Vows To Ban Soaps That Smell So Good You Eat A Little appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that campaign co-chair Susie Wiles will serve as his White House chief of staff. The Onion takes a look at the political strategist's background and credentials. Favorite Meeting Time: 10:45 a.m. Eyes: Soulless but not yet dead Nickname Trump Uses When She's Not Around: Paula Deen Tax Bracket: Looking up [...]The post Who Is Trump's Chief Of Staff Susie Wiles? appeared first on The Onion.

ANAHEIM, CA-Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters Friday that her Disney wedding would be kid-free. Josh and I are so excited to tie the knot here with Mickey, Minnie, and all our friends and family in attendance, [...]The post Disney Wedding Kid-Free appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Stalled in a panic after his planned rampage hit an unexpected snag, area office shooter Zachary Carter was reportedly too grossed out Friday to kick down the door of his workplace's lactation room. Oh God, yuck-I feel like I can smell the lactation. I don't know if I can do this," said the pale and [...]The post Office Shooter Too Grossed Out To Kick Down Door Of Lactation Room appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Responding with visible exhaustion as the tech entrepreneur mentioned yet another of what he considered must-play titles, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly nodded vacantly Friday after Elon Musk rattled off his 10th consecutive video game recommendation. Uh-huh, so I should try, what was it again, Elon? Elden Ring? No, I haven't even heard of that one," [...]The post Trump Nods Vacantly As Elon Musk Rattles Off 10th Consecutive Video Game Recommendation appeared first on The Onion.

In addition to Donald Trump's resounding victory in the presidential election, Republicans have taken majority control of both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Here are the lessons Democrats can learn from the 2024 election cycle. Lock in John Legend's endorsement earlier. Cut out the woke policies that only a fraction of Americans find [...]The post Lessons Democrats Can Learn From The 2024 Election appeared first on The Onion.

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And [...]The post Here's Why I Decided To Buy InfoWars' appeared first on The Onion.

TORONTO-Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference between meteoroids and meteorites Thursday, struggling to describe what had just killed his dog. God, I always forgot which one is the kind that actually hits the ground, if that's [...]The post Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Grabbing their pom-poms before heading out to pump up the crowd, several WNBA players confirmed Thursday that they have been forced to supplement their incomes during the offseason by cheerleading for NBA teams. With the season over, everyone in the league is scrambling to make ends meet by getting a second job dancing for the [...]The post WNBA Players Forced To Supplement Incomes During Offseason By Cheerleading For NBA Teams appeared first on The Onion.

Following a tense armed standoff with the pop superstar, authorities uncovered a large arsenal of illegal drugs and firearms inside the 14-time Grammy Award winner's Eras Tour bus. The post Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing that he treated the 20-year-old the same as any other rookie, Lakers power forward LeBron James denied Wednesday that his son Bronny received preferential treatmentwhen he lifted him up to dunk. Yes, he's my son, but in no way do I favor him when I give him the ball, help hoist him up, [...]The post LeBron James Denies Son Receiving Preferential Treatment When Being Lifted Up To Dunk appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-After he single-handedly transformed what was once a humble get-together into a full-on rager, bystanders reported Wednesday that double-jointed man Greg Thiede has blown the fucking roof off the party by doing weird things with his arms. Whoa! The cracking noises coming out of this guy's elbows and shoulders are taking this party to [...]The post Double-Jointed Guy Blows The Fucking Roof Off Party Doing Weird Arm Things appeared first on The Onion.

The 19-year-old bride and 20-year-old groom were married Sunday in a union that really only makes sense when you learn he is in the Marines.The post Bailey Pinski and Michael Bowers appeared first on The Onion.

OKLAHOMA CITY-In an effort to provide all developing fetuses in the state with a thorough grounding in Judeo-Christian values, a new bill was signed into law Tuesday that requires the Ten Commandments to be displayed in every womb in Oklahoma. With this landmark law mandating the Ten Commandments be hung on every pregnant woman's uterine [...]The post Oklahoma Law Requires Ten Commandments To Be Displayed In Every Womb appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Explaining that the emotional state can be a legitimate and even healthy reaction to certain stimuli, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University psychiatrists found that anxiety is a natural response to suited men wearing shades and closing in on you from all angles. It appears that nervous feelings and an elevated heart rate [...]The post Study: Anxiety Natural Response To Suited Men Wearing Shades Closing In From All Angles appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Phasing into our reality with instructions for the new cooking technique, J. KenjiLopez-Alt returned from the Beef Dimension with a previously unknown sear method that was beyond human comprehension, sources confirmed Tuesday. I have glimpsed the cosmic dance of the meat and the stovetop and borne witness to beef's true nature," said the chef and [...]The post Kenji Lopez-Alt Returns From Beef Dimension With New Sear Method Beyond Human Comprehension appeared first on The Onion.

Nondescript white room with no doors or windows whatsoever! Don't worry about inquiring. If it's a good fit, you will wake up here! Reference #197622The post No Doors appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-Retreating from the banquet table to deliberate the virtues of roundhouse kicks to the head and submission choke holds, a group of local gentlemen retired to the parlor to continue their discussion of a kickass UFC fight alone, sources reported Monday. Ladies, please excuse us, but we must extract ourselves to consider matters of [...]The post Gentlemen Retire To Parlor To Continue Discussion Of Kickass UFC Fight Alone appeared first on The Onion.

Dr. Andrea Worth, a researcher at Harvard University, explains how her team's work over the past three years has concluded that you are completely and utterly goddamn boned.The post Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You're Fucked appeared first on The Onion.

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend that they don't have to be strong just because they're the reigning WWE heavyweight [...]The post Tips For Checking In On Friends' Mental Health appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Lashing furiously at each other's faces with their flailing hands, the Trump boys were reportedly engaged in a slap fight Friday over who would get to run their dad's foreign policy meetings. No, you got to do it last time, Eric-it's my turn, it's mine!" said Donald Trump Jr., who flinched and cried [...]The post Trump Boys Have Slap Fight Over Who Gets To Run Foreign Policy Meetings appeared first on The Onion.