The Onion

WASHINGTON-Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. You have to understand, when I was coming up in the '40s, these fires were talked about in an almost entirely negative context, [...]The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was [...]The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human.This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin," lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the procedure [...]The post Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man appeared first on The Onion.

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Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature's face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233The post Water-Inefficient Landscaping appeared first on The Onion.

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as Secret Police." Make sure the destination you're heading to isn't somewhere that persecutes LGBTQ+ people, like Dubai or Boston. [...]The post Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers appeared first on The Onion.

PETALUMA, CA-Nervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. Alright, here goes nothing," said Parsons, who told reporters that he had so far applied to six undergraduate film school programs, including Drexel University, Rochester Institute of [...]The post Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application appeared first on The Onion.

A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think?The post Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media,The Odysseydirector Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. Yes, that was indeed the King of Gods that observant viewers spotted on the battlefield in the latest trailer," [...]The post Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In The Odyssey' appeared first on The Onion.

Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book's biggest revelations: Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris, and be publicly humiliated Would feed pieces of Secret [...]The post Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden's New Memoir appeared first on The Onion.

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Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support.The post Diana Yanko appeared first on The Onion.

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An 89-year-old Los Angeles resident plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for his 90th birthday this summer, which would make him the oldest person to ever summit Africa's highest mountain. What do you think?The post Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday appeared first on The Onion.

DES MOINES, IA-Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies.Donald Trump's vile, evil agenda is not at all aligned with what our terrifying masks represent," frontman Corey Taylor wrote on [...]The post Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. For far too long, the practice of receiving money for services has gone unchecked, and today we're turning over evidence to the attorney general so [...]The post Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government's scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediately-I don't care how many vaccine [...]The post Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs appeared first on The Onion.

In a record-breaking opening weekend for A24, horror movie Backrooms brought in $81 million at the domestic box office. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Kane Parsons film. Q: Is this the first major motion picture based on a YouTube video? A: Not quite. Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was [...]The post What To Know About Backrooms' appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Bolting upright in bed in a cold sweat, actor Tom Holland reportedly woke up from a terrible nightmare Thursday in which the Jenners almost got him. Oh my God, it was awful-they were bearing down on me, and I screamed and screamed, but no sound came out," said Holland, who was still trembling as he [...]The post Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him appeared first on The Onion.

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Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasn't invited.The post Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith appeared first on The Onion.

EAST LANSING, MI-Calling the 21-year-old's replies to his emails and text messages rote" and overly formal," local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was pretty sure" student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances.It really is a shame with these undergrads these days," said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor [...]The post College Professor Pretty Sure Student UsingAI To Refuse Advances appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job.It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who [...]The post FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a [...]The post White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old appeared first on The Onion.

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THE NEXT LEVEL-Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet, members of the Heaven's Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month's anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence.Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to [...]The post Heaven's Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence appeared first on The Onion.

FORT WORTH, TX-In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in particular.For decades, this part of Fort Worth has languished as nothing more than a loving community for [...]The post Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn't eat his cat.I know they're trying to make eating other animals seem wrong, but honestly, I bet my Kiki would taste incredible deep-fried [...]The post PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn't Eat His Cat appeared first on The Onion.

Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam: It's not that big of a deal. They want to see what you'll be up to. Reference #918445The post Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists officially know 0.0000000000000000001% of what's on the ocean floor now that Ron Green, 36, drowned in one.The post Ron Green appeared first on The Onion.

Meta announced a new Instagram Plus subscription plan for $3.99, allowing extra features such as the ability to extend stories longer than 24 hours and see who rewatched users' stories. What do you think?The post Meta Launches Instagram Plus appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation's most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no," said the president, noting [...]The post Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman appeared first on The Onion.

Listen, sweetie. There's something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we've noticed you've been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we've noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we're not angry. If anything, we're just [...]The post I'm So Sad You Didn't Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher appeared first on The Onion.

Both bride and groom knew working with a matchmaker would be a waste of time, but they were determined to get their money's worth no matter what.The post Greta Sampson and Arnold White appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID-Inviting friends, family, and lovers of crepes from far and wide," local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life. Lulu's Crepes, which 10 months from now will be referred to by a loan officer as the sinkhole that [...]The post Worst Financial Decision Of Man's Life Celebrates Grand Opening appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music's power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%.After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together," said [...]The post Report: Music's Power To Unite, Heal Down 74% appeared first on The Onion.

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COLTS NECK, NJ-Declaring that he wasn't about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, Fuck it, a gig's a gig," Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. I may get some flack from the [...]The post Fuck It, A Gig's A Gig,' Says Bruce Springsteen, Agreeing To Headline Freedom 250 Concert appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. Thank God, it's over-it's finally over," said 29-year-old fan Emma Torres, who added that the experience of realizing she would [...]The post Euphoria' Delivers Happy Ending Where Fans Never Have To Watch Euphoria' Again appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department's release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. Trump, who described himself as a victim of really unbelievable stuff, some of the worst" at a press [...]The post Tearful Trump Claims HeWas Sex-Trafficked By Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

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This updated home includes a bonus room that has been turned into a pathetic little podcast studio, perfect for anyone interested in releasing three episodes of a show about international soccer before losing interest. Reference #728543The post Heartbreaking Podcast Studio Included appeared first on The Onion.

While real estate investors often claim the goal of gentrification is to revitalize a neglected community, critics tend to view it as a harbinger of displacement that only benefits the wealthy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of gentrification. PRO Gives longtime residents opportunity to spread wings and explore other neighborhoods Starbucks needs to [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Gentrification appeared first on The Onion.

The Odyssey, director Christopher Nolan's first film since Oppenheimer, is coming to theaters July 17. Here is everything we know about the highly anticipated blockbuster so far. Stars returning include Nolan favorites Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and Rob Schneider Maintains strict historical accuracy by having a character state It smells terrible [...]The post Everything We Know About The Odyssey' So Far appeared first on The Onion.