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on (#6JM6A)
NORCROSS, GA-Choking on the lacy fabric he had expected to find delicious, local man David Garay reportedly took two bites of a pair of panties Wednesday before realizing they weren't edible. Wait, what the hell? This isn't tasty at all!" said a grimacing Garay, who spit out shreds of a woman's undergarment after...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 00:00 |
on (#6JKS3)
Claiming that the ad was created without any involvement or approval from my campaign" Robert F. Kennedy Jr. apologized to his family for any pain caused by his Super Bowl ad that used JFK's campaign song and inserted RFK into 1960s imagery, despite keeping the ad pinned to the top of his X page. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JKGD)
If you're an alpha male, you may be wondering how to sweep your woman off her feet without appearing soft and feminine. Here's how to dominate your Valentine's Day without turning into a simping beta.Read more...
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on (#6JKCJ)
DENVER-Cornered by the unreserved woman with nowhere to run, local 29-year-old Christine Lopez was reportedly terrified Tuesday after a friend of a friend had asked her point-blank what brand of vibrator she used. So are you into clitoral stimulation, or what?" said the woman, whose name was unknown to Lopez, as the...Read more...
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on (#6JKCK)
Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson recently interviewed Russian President Vladimir Putin for over two hours, discussing topics such as the war in Ukraine and the imprisonment of Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich. Here is a rundown of everything we learned from the conservative commentator's controversial...Read more...
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on (#6JKAB)
CHICAGO-Failing to use the appropriate level of discretion, local man Keith Makarewicz took a second too long to adjust his balls, sources reported Tuesday. Look, there's nothing wrong with moving your testicles into a more comfortable position, we get that, but you have to be in and out," said one eyewitness, who...Read more...
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on (#6JKAC)
LONDON-Proclaiming a new era of unstoppable proliferation across the United Kingdom, a bloody, cancerous polyp addressed the British public from Buckingham Palace on Tuesday and informed them that he was their new king. Bow down before me, subjects, for I have dethroned your once-mighty monarch," said His Majesty...Read more...
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on (#6JKAD)
FALMOUTH, ME-Saying the residence evoked far too many painful memories to be left standing, Maine authorities confirmed Tuesday they had demolished the house at 231 Pinelock Lane that was once the site of a horrific marriage. When that terrible marriage first struck this town, it was like a nightmare come to...Read more...
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on (#6JK8Y)
CLEVELAND-Responding to an email thread that included the senior staff on multiple org charts at both Intrepid Solutions and Mayflower Global, sources who once had self-respect reported Tuesday that it was nice to e-meet you. Danielle, so glad we could virtually connect with your team on this and looking forward to...Read more...
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on (#6JJRH)
NEW YORK-Realizing her 15 minutes of fame had come to an abrupt end, a depressed Taylor Swift told reporters Monday that she was going to miss being in the spotlight now that the Super Bowl was over. I guess it's just me and my cats now that the big game has drawn to a close," said the disheveled, sweatpants-wearing...Read more...
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on (#6JJ6N)
LAS VEGAS-Following a longstanding team tradition, members of the Kansas City Chiefs celebrated their Super Bowl LVIII win Sunday by pouring a vat of hot fryer grease over head coach Andy Reid. Sources confirmed that Reid, who has now led the Chiefs to three championships, smiled wide and feigned surprise as the...Read more...
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on (#6JHXF)
LAS VEGAS-Ensuring total privacy for his sumptuous meal, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid reportedly closed his blinds and silenced his phone Sunday so he could sit down and enjoy an arugula and fig salad before the Super Bowl. Ciao bella," Reid said as he placed a cloth napkin on his lap, removed the stainless...Read more...
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on (#6JGXH)
Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion's picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.Read more...
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on (#6JGFS)
Test your knowledge of one of the winningest football franchises in recent history by passing this quiz on the Kansas City Chiefs.Read more...
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on (#6JGFT)
Between fans eager to see the spectacle of Vegas, Taylor Swift's possible attendance, the star-studded halftime lineup, and the game itself, Super Bowl LVIII ticket prices have been driven up to a median of $8,776 per ticket and demand is still high, with one ticket resale service owner remarking that billionaires...Read more...
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on (#6JGFW)
SPANISH FORK, UT-Entering his skull with a notarized affidavit and seizing the vital organ, agents dispatched Thursday by PNC Bank repossessed the brain of local man Dylan Turner, who had reportedly defaulted on his student loans. Sorry, pal, but that brain is coming with us," repo man Kyle Mickos said as he put away...Read more...
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on (#6JG1A)
VATICAN CITY-Appearing at the altar of St. Peter's Basilica in the same vestments he'd worn the day before, a hungover Pope Francis reportedly played a Bible-themed movie Thursday during morning mass. All right, so today for church we're going to watch a video I think everybody will enjoy," the pope said in Latin,...Read more...
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on (#6JFYG)
NEW YORK-Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. That was not a gaffe-I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the...Read more...
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on (#6JFYH)
SAN DIEGO-Embarrassing himself profusely in what would otherwise have been a successful evening, local man Joseph Ward reportedly killed the mood Thursday after struggling to unclasp date Heather Kapelos' chip clip. I'm really sorry, just give me another minute," said Ward, who later confirmed he could feel Kapelos'...Read more...
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on (#6JFYJ)
LAS VEGAS-In a significant blow for the presidential candidate's already beleaguered campaign, Nikki Haley lost Nevada's Republican primary Tuesday to the alternative option of I'm Trans and You Can Take My Guns," according to the final tally of votes. It's a major upset for Haley to have nearly 63% of conservative...Read more...
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on (#6JFN2)
President Joe Biden urged Congress to pass a bipartisan bill that would give him executive power to shut down the border between the United States and Mexico. The Onion examines the pros and cons of closing our nation's southern border and no longer allowing migrants to cross.Read more...
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on (#6JFN3)
NEW YORK-Describing the trend as a serious threat to the well-being of local dimwits, New York's Metropolitan Transportation Authority reported a sharp uptick Thursday in the number of dopey riders who jump in front of trains because they just dropped their lollipop down there and they want to get it back. We're...Read more...
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on (#6JFJ0)
In honor of the obscure NFL team that made it to the Super Bowl, take The Onion's quiz to test your knowledge of the San Francisco 49ers.Read more...
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on (#6JFFV)
HOUSTON-In an exclusive, limited-time offer available with any purchase at its stores, Men's Wearhouse reportedly began offering free body alterations this week to tailor customers' flesh to their clothing. We'll get you in and out in just 15 minutes with a little local anesthetic," said store manager David Lachman,...Read more...
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on (#6JFFW)
Jack Sweeney, a student at the University of Central Florida who tracks Taylor Swift's private jet and shares its location, received a cease-and-desist letter from the pop star's legal team, calling for him to stop his stalking and harassing behavior." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JEY4)
A federal appeals court ruled that former President Donald Trump is not immune from prosecution for his actions while in the White House and in the leadup to the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, the decision serving as a definitive rejection of Trump's previous claims that he could not be tried. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JEXB)
WASHINGTON-Noting how imperative it was that Americans act responsibly while under the influence, the U.S. Transportation Department released a memo Wednesday that recommended cranking up Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak" while driving high. After studying countless drivers who had ingested marijuana, our data shows that the...Read more...
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on (#6JETR)
GLENDALE, AZ-Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team's visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we...Read more...
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on (#6JEQF)
CHICAGO-As his 20-foot extension ladder wobbled slightly in the wind, sources confirmed that elderly neighbor Alfred Lojek was standing on a rung just below the roofline of his home Wednesday and hanging Valentine's Day decorations. According to sources, the senior citizen emerged from his house at 8:15 a.m. with the...Read more...
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on (#6JEMP)
WASHINGTON-Noting that such violent ambushes had skyrocketed over the years he'd been in office, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) pushed for legislation Wednesday to combat stagecoach robberies. While Democrats remain soft on crime, these dastardly bandits continue to roam the plains, robbing our nation's hardworking...Read more...
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on (#6JEMQ)
Ever since dipping her toe into politics, Taylor Swift has been the target of countless conspiracy theories from members of the far right. The Onion explores the most convincing hoaxes that have recently been circulated about the singer-songwriter.Read more...
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on (#6JEHR)
CANTON, MA-Boasting reasonable prices starting at $1.99, Dunkin' unveiled a new breakfast menu this week that featured a sad half-strip of bacon on a cracker. At only 30 calories and with over 1 gram of protein, Dunkin's all-new Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is the perfect choice for anyone who wants...Read more...
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on (#6JEG7)
Following statements from South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) about sending razor wire and security personnel to the Texas border, Oglala Sioux tribe president Frank Star Comes Out banned Noem from the reservation, saying that those at the border should not be cut up by razor wire furnished by, of all places, South...Read more...
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on (#6JDW3)
Test your knowledge of Black history and the contributions of African Americans by taking The Onion's quiz.Read more...
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on (#6JDRX)
Conservative media figures recently began circulating conspiracy theories that Taylor Swift is part of a government-funded psyop to get President Joe Biden reelected. The Onion asked fans how they felt about the right-wing attacks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JDRY)
BANDERA, TX-Admitting that he was actually a lot more shy and reserved than folks might think, introverted cowboy Cassidy Walsh sheepishly told reporters Friday that he'd been struggling lately to round up a posse. While I might seem confident and outgoing at times, the truth is, I'm the sort of feller who needs to...Read more...
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on (#6JDNR)
WASHINGTON-Lamenting the fact that they'll be paying off those fuckers for the rest of their lives, the nation's uncles reported, That shit adds up quickly," in an announcement Tuesday. I'm telling you, these guys will go on and on about the deal of a lifetime, then boom, you'll get your ass in a sling," said local...Read more...
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on (#6JDNS)
NEW YORK-Calling the breakthrough a major step forward in the enigmatic case of the aviator's disappearance, experts announced Tuesday they had discovered Amelia Earhart's long-lost Lockheed 10-E Electra plane on an auxiliary runway at LaGuardia Airport. Based on our analysis, it appears that during Earhart's...Read more...
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on (#6JD48)
LOS ANGELES-With a single artist dominating in nearly every category, last night's 66th Annual Grammy Awards were once again swept by an old man in a rocking chair who whistled and slapped his knee. Whistlin' Jesco, a blind man who reportedly lost his sight after drinking a bottle of his daddy's hair tonic at the age...Read more...
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on (#6JD49)
KANSAS CITY, MO-Amid widespread speculation over whether his girlfriend Taylor Swift could attend the Super Bowl due to a performance in the East Asian country, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce has been quietly avoiding the fact that he has no idea what Japan is, sources confirmed Monday. Oh, yeah, I've been...Read more...
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on (#6JD1C)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to stymie record-high crossings at the nation's southern border, the U.S. Senate put forward a new bipartisan immigration bill Monday that would only let in migrants who were accompanied by a group of hot girls. This bill will establish a strict 3-to-1 ratio requiring all migrants wishing to...Read more...
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