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on (#5Z2EG)
WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a bombshell report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that Democrats were conspiring with their bookie to deliberately throw the 2022 midterms. “The evidence appears increasingly clear that…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-24 01:01 |
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on (#5Z145)
A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her…Read more...
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on (#5Z144)
CLEVELAND—Revealing that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes, yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the novelty of…Read more...
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on (#5YXTM)
WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the…Read more...
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on (#5YXRA)
John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YX4S)
A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YX4R)
Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.Read more...
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on (#5YW59)
The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.
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on (#5YVZE)
Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.Read more...
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on (#5YTJ9)
COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ8)
DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ7)
POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ6)
AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…Read more...
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on (#5YSSW)
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the…Read more...
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on (#5YSQB)
Just because a product says it’s recyclable doesn’t mean it is. Click through The Onion’s quiz to see if you can guess whether each of the following products belong in the trash or recycling.Read more...
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on (#5YSQC)
MESA, AZ—Explaining that they could no longer bear to view the program they once enjoyed, local couple Craig and Rebecca Hollinger confirmed Monday that they were unable to watch a single episode of Daniel Tiger ever since their son died. “I know that our history of watching Daniel Tiger is separate from our time…Read more...
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on (#5YS9D)
A new study has found that exercising just half the CDC recommended amount can substantially fight depression, with adults who did activities equivalent to only 1.25 hours of brisk walking per week having an 18% lower risk of depression compared to inactive adults. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YS9C)
ST. CHARLES, IL—Screaming while reminded of the dark, traumatic days spent shooting dye-filled bullets at fellow soldiers abroad, combat veteran Jeremy Gordon confirmed Monday that the paintball course triggered violent flashbacks to an Afghanistan paintball course. “Oh, God, every time I step out onto the paintball…Read more...
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on (#5YQAT)
LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities.…Read more...
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on (#5YQ6F)
A newly released poll found that 58% of registered voters surveyed would consider backing a moderate independent or third-party candidate over President Biden and former President Trump in the next election, while the majority also said they do not want either to run in 2024. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YPZM)
The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history.
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on (#5YPYB)
COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims…Read more...
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on (#5YPT4)
Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.Read more...
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on (#5YPJC)
New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YNRA)
WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of…Read more...
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on (#5YN4X)
Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YN4W)
Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.Read more...
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on (#5YMBG)
A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YMBH)
RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so…Read more...
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on (#5YMA6)
If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year.Read more...
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on (#5YM1A)
MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you…Read more...
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on (#5YK1P)
KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely…Read more...
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on (#5YJCJ)
PHOENIX—Struggling to truly comprehend the all of the recessed area’s myriad uses, local real estate agent Brenda Estrada was reportedly driven insane Tuesday by the endless possibilities of a nook. “This nook could be anything, I tell you. Anything,” said Estrada, explaining that it could be the perfect place to eat…Read more...
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on (#5YH3T)
The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums.
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on (#5YF34)
LEAWOOD, KS—Faced with a steep decline in growth over the past few years, struggling cinema chain AMC Entertainment Holdings announced Friday it would clamp down on the practice of theater sharing among its customers. “Due to the mounting economic pressures AMC faces, we can no longer allow multiple people to use the…Read more...
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on (#5YF0Z)
Just be patient. You can always dress them down for being weak-willed later. If someone is having a panic attack, never say these things.Read more...
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on (#5YEYC)
BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first…Read more...
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on (#5YES1)
Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
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on (#5YES2)
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into…Read more...
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on (#5YES3)
BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip…Read more...
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