The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO-In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn't have testicles," said [...]The post New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver appeared first on The Onion.

CLEARWATER, FL-Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in his 10,000 daily stunts. Now that I'm getting older, it's more important than ever to make sure I'm staying active, whether that's going on a leisurely sprint across a crumbling [...]The post Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts appeared first on The Onion.

Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.The post Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox appeared first on The Onion.

That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit.The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.

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This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if you're going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it doesn't really matter. Reference #57893The post As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any appeared first on The Onion.

So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol' pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping hot cocoa, and chowed down on the last of the two-day-old day-old cinnamon rolls, took a nice hot shower, and logged on to her sorta trusty PC. The monitor read [...]The post Jean's Own Goals appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours. Looking at our history all the way back to 1920, it has thankfully been very [...]The post Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position," the report [...]The post Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.

ST. GEORGE, UT-As questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last week's assassination of Charlie Kirk, The Wall Street Journal published a bombshell investigation Monday that suggests alleged gunman Tyler Robinson, 22, once had a transgender Uber driver. In its thorough examination of the suspect's activities in the years leading up the shooting, the [...]The post Bombshell Wall Street Journal' Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver appeared first on The Onion.

Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald Trump in the media, reportedly boosting his national standing as the unofficial Democratic frontrunner for 2028, according to polls. The Onion sat down with the California governor to discuss his political strategy. The Onion: What are your core beliefs? Newsom: Are those a [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom appeared first on The Onion.

SCOPELLO, SICILY-Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. Wow, just look at that thing-it's gorgeous," said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel [...]The post Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON, UT-As he described a massive backlog of murders that continued to stump the agency he leads, desperate FBI director Kash Patel reportedly asked the family of alleged Charlie Kirk assassin Tyler Robinson on Monday if they could solve any other cases. You showed a real knack for catching criminals when you identified your son [...]The post Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter's Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Describing the practice as vital to player development," researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial-when a coach removes his [...]The post Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches appeared first on The Onion.

DENTON, TX-In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks through the process of being murdered. During the emergency call, received at 12:07 a.m. after a [...]The post 911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered appeared first on The Onion.

The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.The post Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, TX-Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team's dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday's game that their uniforms have their names on the back. Wait...so the millions of people watching on national television can [...]The post Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Fulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week officially renaming the White House refrigerator the U.S. Department of Ham. When Thomas Jefferson had the first ice house installed in 1801, the name Department of Ham [...]The post Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham appeared first on The Onion.

Sombr, the artist behind hits Undressed" and Back To Friends," won his first ever award at the 2025 MTV VMAs on Sunday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Liminal space Age: However old Sufjan Stevens' Illinois feels to you Genre: Alt-horny Hairstyle: The Muammar Gaddafi VMA Received: Most Recent [...]The post Artist Profile: Sombr appeared first on The Onion.

DESTIN, FL-In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing.Some people just have no forethought, no discipline," said Ellen Hoekstra, the family's 48-year-old matriarch, who watched from her seat on a [...]The post Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing appeared first on The Onion.

RACINE, WI-Saying the new product attacks and intimidates pests right where they live," popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday.Our complete doxxing system brings insect eradication into the 21st century by revealing the exact locations of termite mounds and ant colonies, a practice that encourages anonymous individuals on the internet to [...]The post Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit appeared first on The Onion.

Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months.The post Freida Meeks appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Alarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD Vance was the last thing Utah needed right now. We're already going through a lot, but to add JD Vance on top of everything else?" said one Utah resident, who [...]The post Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

OREM, UT-As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus. When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was [...]The post Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus appeared first on The Onion.

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Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending troops to the city. PRO They get to see where The Good Wife took place Troops barely go to go anywhere last administration Sends strong [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Promising a dark, brooding romance,"Wuthering Heightsdirector Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a faithful adaptation ofTwilight.When you take on a classic, people are understandably going to have strong feelings, but trust me on this-you're going to love it," said Fennell, who stressed that the upcoming film was practically a scene [...]The post Emerald Fennell Assures Fans Wuthering Heights' Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of Twilight' appeared first on The Onion.

Gather 'round, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyone's help. It may seem far-fetched at first-the ravings of yet another humble dreamer. But I really believe that we can accomplish this as long as we stay united as one. For [...]The post C'mon, Everybody, There's Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once! appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be buying everyone in the bar a round of F-22 fighter jets.Guys, the next round of aeronautic defense systems is on me," said a visibly inebriated Hegseth, twirling his finger around [...]The post Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets appeared first on The Onion.

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The happy couple tied the knot in a small ceremony at a local courthouse since they were there for Smith's arraignment anyway.The post Ashley Byron and Connor Smith appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they weren't entirely sure where ball boys came from. People always assume the ball boys are our employees, but for as long as I can remember, they just show up on tournament days on [...]The post ATP Reveals They're Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stating that the country's naturalization process was highly outdated," White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section.Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell," said [...]The post U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section appeared first on The Onion.

ZANESVILLE, OH-Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters this week that he had used the GI bill to enroll in Hustlers University.After spending 10 years in the Army, I really needed something that would help me adjust my [...]The post GI Bill Used On Hustlers University appeared first on The Onion.

This flawless four-bedroom Craftsman mirage appears on the horizon to desperate house shoppers, only to disappear as soon as they reach the door. $800,000. Reference #98243The post Too Good To Be True appeared first on The Onion.

Amy Chandler, 38, was burned at the stake for the crime of witchcraft, which is more of an indictment of modern-day Oklahoma than anything.The post Amy Chandler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn't be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. Every month I'm probably sending off a dozen [...]The post Trump Claims He Can't Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported Wednesday that they had dug up Arlington National Cemetery.The American people gave the president a clear mandate to fight waste, fraud, and abuse by removing the freeloading corpses buried in [...]The post DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery appeared first on The Onion.

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ-With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the most desirable quality in a romantic partner was being a jacked centaur.Among our sample of over 40,000 respondents, by far the most coveted trait in a potential significant other was [...]The post Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality InRomantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur appeared first on The Onion.