The Onion

WASHINGTON-Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job.It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who [...]The post FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a [...]The post White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old appeared first on The Onion.

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THE NEXT LEVEL-Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale-Bopp comet, members of the Heaven's Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month's anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence.Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to [...]The post Heaven's Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence appeared first on The Onion.

FORT WORTH, TX-In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in particular.For decades, this part of Fort Worth has languished as nothing more than a loving community for [...]The post Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER-Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn't eat his cat.I know they're trying to make eating other animals seem wrong, but honestly, I bet my Kiki would taste incredible deep-fried [...]The post PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn't Eat His Cat appeared first on The Onion.

Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam: It's not that big of a deal. They want to see what you'll be up to. Reference #918445The post Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists officially know 0.0000000000000000001% of what's on the ocean floor now that Ron Green, 36, drowned in one.The post Ron Green appeared first on The Onion.

Meta announced a new Instagram Plus subscription plan for $3.99, allowing extra features such as the ability to extend stories longer than 24 hours and see who rewatched users' stories. What do you think?The post Meta Launches Instagram Plus appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation's most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no," said the president, noting [...]The post Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman appeared first on The Onion.

Listen, sweetie. There's something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we've noticed you've been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we've noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we're not angry. If anything, we're just [...]The post I'm So Sad You Didn't Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher appeared first on The Onion.

Both bride and groom knew working with a matchmaker would be a waste of time, but they were determined to get their money's worth no matter what.The post Greta Sampson and Arnold White appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID-Inviting friends, family, and lovers of crepes from far and wide," local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life. Lulu's Crepes, which 10 months from now will be referred to by a loan officer as the sinkhole that [...]The post Worst Financial Decision Of Man's Life Celebrates Grand Opening appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music's power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%.After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together," said [...]The post Report: Music's Power To Unite, Heal Down 74% appeared first on The Onion.

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COLTS NECK, NJ-Declaring that he wasn't about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, Fuck it, a gig's a gig," Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. I may get some flack from the [...]The post Fuck It, A Gig's A Gig,' Says Bruce Springsteen, Agreeing To Headline Freedom 250 Concert appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. Thank God, it's over-it's finally over," said 29-year-old fan Emma Torres, who added that the experience of realizing she would [...]The post Euphoria' Delivers Happy Ending Where Fans Never Have To Watch Euphoria' Again appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department's release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. Trump, who described himself as a victim of really unbelievable stuff, some of the worst" at a press [...]The post Tearful Trump Claims HeWas Sex-Trafficked By Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

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This updated home includes a bonus room that has been turned into a pathetic little podcast studio, perfect for anyone interested in releasing three episodes of a show about international soccer before losing interest. Reference #728543The post Heartbreaking Podcast Studio Included appeared first on The Onion.

While real estate investors often claim the goal of gentrification is to revitalize a neglected community, critics tend to view it as a harbinger of displacement that only benefits the wealthy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of gentrification. PRO Gives longtime residents opportunity to spread wings and explore other neighborhoods Starbucks needs to [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Gentrification appeared first on The Onion.

The Odyssey, director Christopher Nolan's first film since Oppenheimer, is coming to theaters July 17. Here is everything we know about the highly anticipated blockbuster so far. Stars returning include Nolan favorites Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and Rob Schneider Maintains strict historical accuracy by having a character state It smells terrible [...]The post Everything We Know About The Odyssey' So Far appeared first on The Onion.

A survey of the world's top CEOs found that a majority were losing confidence in the economy, with the ongoing war in Iran causing continued uncertainty. What do you think?The post CEOs Lose Confidence In Economy appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Describing some of the new branded products available for purchase at shows, a spokesperson for Harry Styles confirmed this week that merchandise for the singer's 2026 Together, Together tour included perimenopause supplements. We are so pleased to provide concertgoers with an assortment of vitamins, minerals, and herbs that may ease symptoms as they Kiss [...]The post New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-Lambasting the muddled" plotlines of the post-Lucas era in a staggering 60,000 words, Pope Leo XIV released a new encyclical Friday on the perils of Disney's Star Wars strategy. The Star Wars franchise, created by God in all its grandeur, is today facing a pivotal choice: either to construct a new Tower of Babel [...]The post Pope Releases Encyclical On Perils Of Disney's Star Wars' Strategy appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of May.The post Top Songs May 2026 appeared first on The Onion.

MENLO PARK, CA-Expressing frustration about the frequent error hampering the overall user experience, Meta Glasses wearers worldwide confirmed Friday encountering a bug where they are able to see Mark Zuckerberg's memories. I was filming video of my road trip with my Meta Oakleys and all of a sudden I'm seeing the POV of someone throwing [...]The post Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg's Memories appeared first on The Onion.

PARIS-Steadfast in their devotion to the treasured cultural keystone of their community, the roughly 743.5 million residents of Europe gathered Friday to announce that there's nothing anyone can do to make them stop loving Michael Jackson. You may try to break down our resolve with accusations that he engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors, but our [...]The post Europeans Announce There Nothing Anyone Can Do To Make Them Stop Loving Michael Jackson appeared first on The Onion.

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Kacey Musgraves has released Middle Of Nowhere, her seventh studio album. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the country star. Genre: Sonically conservative, lyrically liberal Twangitude: 2.5 Glen Campbells How She Was Discovered In Nashville: Abandoned by bachelorette party Awards And Achievements: 4 Grammys turned into bongs Hair: Purebred Friesian Biggest Rival: [...]The post Artist Profile: Kacey Musgraves appeared first on The Onion.

An executive order by President Trump intended to create a deep sea mining industry has spurred millions of dollars of investment, prompting fast-tracked permitting as companies rush to extract material from the bottom of the ocean. What do you think?The post Trump Executive Order Kickstarts Deep Sea Mining Rush appeared first on The Onion.

SUMMIT, NJ-In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I [...]The post Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his daughter Ivanka Trump kiss in a model of his under-construction White House ballroom, reports confirmed Thursday. According to sources, Trump raised the pitch of his voice and said, Such a splendid ballroom, Daddy! Let us dance!" [...]The post Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show's third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili's ad for a role in Euphoria. That's it, I'm ruined," said Lynch, who told reporters he was kicking [himself]" over his [...]The post Marshawn Lynch Regrets Turning Down Chili's Ad For Euphoria' appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI-Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone's looks a four out of 10. Oh God, oh God-what has she done? I'm a monstrosity! I'm hideous!" said the formerly chisel-jawed [...]The post Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4 appeared first on The Onion.

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Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence.Here's what you need to know about the document. Q: What is an encyclical? A: It's like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI. Q: What is the encyclical titled? A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx Q: Were any AI companies or [...]The post What To Know About Pope Leo's Encyclical On AI appeared first on The Onion.

The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the limits of human achievement. What do you think?The post Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids appeared first on The Onion.

BOONE, NC-Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don't [...]The post Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion.

STARBASE, TX-Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to see if any of his 13 kids had ketamine. Hey kids, it's Dad, I've just been crashing out hard and need a few bumps of K to get me to the [...]The post Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. The doctors gave me the most thoroughpedophilia testing you can get, and I'm totally clean," said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood [...]The post Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing, President Donald Trump decried the lack of space to host parties inside an MRI machine. It's so cramped that maybe you can fit one or two foreign dignitaries or CEOs in there at most," said the [...]The post Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs," said Hegseth, a large vein pulsating across his beet-red forehead as he [...]The post Pete Hegseth Shaking With Rage After Imagining Plus-Sized Astronaut appeared first on The Onion.