The Onion

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SPRINGFIELD, MO-Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father's worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. Sure, there are positives to having your child play football, but if my son [...]The post More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets appeared first on The Onion.

DAMASCUS-Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation's people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. It's been my family's great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never [...]The post Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern-looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. It's so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world," said local man Gino [...]The post Americans Glad ISIS Defeated Or Something appeared first on The Onion.

President Joe Biden issued a full and unconditional" pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses. 1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on [...]The post Timeline Of Presidential Pardons appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Lamenting that none of the team's starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the franchise's most talentless special teamer. I'm tired of watching all these prima donna receivers and linebackers [...]The post Dad Wishes Whole Roster Played With Intensity, Passion Of Talentless Special Teamer appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In a stunning end to the 40-year-old media personality's rise to fame, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Monday that Hilaria Baldwin had been deported to Spain. Baldwin, who is set to star in a new reality series about her family's home life, was reportedly handcuffed at the wrists and ankles as she boarded [...]The post Hilaria Baldwin Deported appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State's potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday.With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will," Gov. Greg Abbott said upon signing the bill, explaining [...]The post Texas Bans Sale Of Luggage To Pregnant Women appeared first on The Onion.

Ryan Walters, Oklahoma's superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares some of the ways schools are changing their curriculum. Updating the periodic table of chemical elements to include [...]The post How Oklahoma Schools Are Incorporating The Bible Into Curriculum appeared first on The Onion.

PARIS-After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again," said French President Emmanuel Macron, who credited the 2,000 masons, glassblowers, carpenters, and other craftspeople who worked on the UNESCO World Heritage [...]The post Notre-Dame Reopened To Fire appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. Just charge us full price, goddammit," said Peter Nguyen, 43, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he opened his wallet, removed a [...]The post Nation Tires Of Deals, Bargains appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Clearing their throats as the vice president-elect knocked on the door of the Mar-a-Lago conference room and poked his head inside, members of the presidential transition team reportedly rolled their eyes Friday and allowed JD Vance to pull a low folding chair up to a corner of the table. Hey everyone, JD is [...]The post Low Folding Chair Pulled Up To Corner Of Mar-A-Lago Conference Table For JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around the world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this week for dropping the original work's group dance scene ending. Homer's decision to close his epic poem with a blowout ensemble dance number is essential to the story of Odysseus' journey, and any adaptation that omits [...]The post New Odyssey' Adaptation Criticized For Dropping Original's Group Dance Scene Ending appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers' testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother always lies, and one always tells the truth. Oh jeez, this is tough, and to make it even worse, they say I [...]The post Judge Delays Decision After Learning One Menendez Brother Always Lies, One Always Tells The Truth appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his biological father was being worked on. This one's seen better days, but he's super dependable and should [...]The post Hospital Sends Man Home With Loaner Dad While His Worked On appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump pledged to fulfill his campaign promise of removing millions of undocumented immigrants in a record-setting deportation operation." Here is the incoming administration's plan for carrying out mass deportation. Redirect immigration applicants to a travel blog called 50 Things To Do In Equatorial Guinea." Trigger the trapdoor under Arizona. Check millions of migrants' [...]The post How The Trump Administration Will Carry Out Mass Deportation appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-With a half-whispered murmur of Hey, hey, ho, ho, [inaudible] has got to [inaudible]," thousands of the nation's mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in protest, but we can't tell what exactly they're fighting for because they refuse to enunciate," said D.C. [...]The post Nation's Mumblers March On Washington Demanding Something Or Other appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Making his case that the story of Elphaba and Glinda was too big for one picture, director Jon M. Chu defended on Wednesday his decision to split his new film Wicked into 230,400 successive images. Narratively speaking, it just made sense to break the movie up into hundreds of thousands of pictures," Chu said [...]The post Jon M. Chu Defends Splitting Wicked' Into 230,400 Successive Images appeared first on The Onion.

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President-elect Donald Trump promised to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. The Onion examines the pros and cons of eliminating the federal agency. PRO: Paves way for bold new predatory loans CON: Without standardized testing, it is impossible to tell which of the nation's youth should be selected for the new super-soldier program. PRO: Take [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Eliminating The Department Of Education appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Admitting they felt a reasonable level of certainty about the unfamiliar phrase after stumbling upon it on ESPN.com, the authors of a new report published Monday confirmed that La Liga" probably means The League." Huh, I'm not entirely sure what they're trying to express here, but for some reason I have this feeling that [...]The post Report: La Liga' Probably Means The League' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Watching in stunned silence as the almost 90-year-old Academy Award-winning actress aggressively pushed him to drop the price, local man Aaron Singerman confirmed Tuesday that he wasn't expecting Dame Judi Dench to respond to his recent Craigslist ad for a Sony PlayStation 4. She emailed me with an offer just a few minutes after [...]The post Guy Who Posted Craigslist Ad Wasn't Expecting Dame Judi Dench To Buy His PS4 appeared first on The Onion.

FLORHAM PARK, NJ-Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers demonstrated impressive character this week by taking the blame for the parts of the game where the Jets were winning. The buck stops with me-I take full responsibility for calling successful plays, creating scoring opportunities, and [...]The post Aaron Rodgers Takes Blame For Parts Of Game Where Jets Were Winning appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTA, OH-Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Bess Glickstein, kept dropping hints about wanting a 17-hectare mausoleum complex. We'll be out to dinner or having a drink with friends and any time the conversation turns to end-of-life planning she can't help but mention [...]The post Girlfriend Keeps Dropping Hints About Wanting 17-Hectare Mausoleum Complex appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an effort to support factories that exploit cheap labor but employ 50 or fewer people, American Express announced this week that Dec. 4 would mark its first-ever Small Sweatshop Saturday. Small sweat shops-which keep their undocumented and underage employees working the same long hours for the same low pay as their larger corporate [...]The post American Express Launches Small Sweatshop Saturday appeared first on The Onion.

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EL SEGUNDO, CA-Revealing that split ends have grown 50% stronger in just the past decade, a new study published Friday by researchers at the L'Oreal Academy warned that overuse of hair detangler was giving rise to new product-resistant supertangles. When hair detangler was first developed, we arrogantly assumed we would be living in a world [...]The post Study: Overuse Of Hair Detangler Giving Rise To Product-Resistant Supertangles appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-In a memo that stated they couldn't even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they'd had way too much of that shit in college. Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for...ugh, we just need to get [...]The post FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely incredible single day of retirement. By the time most people leave the workforce, they'll have accrued the necessary funds to [...]The post Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement appeared first on The Onion.

PALM BEACH, FL-Sighing as he pulled on the head of a gargoyle while searching for a secret entrance to his old closet, Barron Trump reportedly returned home from college Tuesday to find his mother, Melania Trump, had converted his room into an unending labyrinth of darkness. I know she always wanted a cold, inescapable void [...]The post Barron Trump Returns Home To Find Melania Converted Room To Unending Labyrinth Of Darkness appeared first on The Onion.

Who says ectopic pregnancy has to be a bad thing? Pending a medically necessary eviction, this luxurious short-term rental can fit a growing fertilized egg for about six to 10 weeks. Reference #543286The post Fallopian Tube appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Participating in the annual tradition one last time before leaving office, President Joe Biden reportedly told a pardoned Thanksgiving turkey You're the Bonnie to my Clyde" on Monday before running off with it and disappearing over the horizon. It's us against the world now, turkey," said the commander-in-chief, grabbing the bird by the wing and [...]The post You're The Bonnie To My Clyde,' Says Biden Running Off With Pardoned Turkey appeared first on The Onion.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump's pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, has faced scrutiny over his claims on vaccines, fluoride, nutrition, and more. The Onion fact-checks Kennedy on health. Claim: Fluoride is a toxic pollutant" and industrial waste" that should be taken out of public drinking water. False: Water fluoridation [...]The post Fact-Checking RFK Jr. On Health appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure in which He is infused with His son's blood. I had my doubts at first, but as soon [...]The post God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son's Blood appeared first on The Onion.

BETHESDA, MD-Brightening the day of those least important to her, local man Amanda Langston told reporters Monday that she wasted her good mood on her coworkers. I cannot believe I squandered this rush of happy feelings on my stupid colleagues," said Langston, explaining that the period of unusually high spirits from 9 a.m. until noon [...]The post Good Mood Wasted On Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.