The Onion

The bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn't know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song.The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.

Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think?The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Lauding the commander-in-chief's response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. The obscene gesture Trump made in Michigan was brimming with youthful vitality, not to [...]The post Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Postpublished an editorial Thursday defending the FBI's recent raid on its reporter. As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government's decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her [...]The post Washington Post' Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter appeared first on The Onion.

STARBASE, TX-Claiming that his relationship with the nation's adults hadbeen irreparably' damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community,Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. Iwill be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants," Musk wrote [...]The post Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children appeared first on The Onion.

Gregory Bovino is commander at large" of the U.S. Border Patrol's mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino's background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: Shoot first, dodge questions later." Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden [...]The post Political Profile: Gregory Bovino appeared first on The Onion.

A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?The post Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday. Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, [...]The post Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom appeared first on The Onion.

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA-In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers.Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong [...]The post Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting Period appeared first on The Onion.

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump's military spending by the numbers.The post Trump's Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

Cindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth.The post Cindy Patton appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling her actions indefensible," Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renee Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. The fact of the matter is that Renee Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts," said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year-old Minneapolis mother was reiterated across social media [...]The post Conservatives Say Renee Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor appeared first on The Onion.

Reality television personality Spencer Pratt announced a longshot bid for Los Angeles mayor, with The Hills star vowing to expose the system." What do you think?The post Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Praising the man-made food item as on par with the real thing," God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created.Credit where credit is due-between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don't hate this," said the Infallible Architect [...]The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion.

AMAGANSETT, NY-Saying he couldn't wait for Bravo's audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic.Based on the scuttling and scampering noises I hear coming from up there 24 hours a day, [...]The post Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces The Real Housewives Of My Attic' appeared first on The Onion.

The post Powerful Bidet Blasts Hole Clean Through Man appeared first on The Onion.

It wasn't at a plantation, okay? It was just a big Southern house.The post Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp appeared first on The Onion.

This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion.

The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year's midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official ICE kills everyone" agenda for 2026. In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure [...]The post GOP Adds ICE Kills Everyone' Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they're looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area's racial homogeneity.Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on [...]The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE-After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child's blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop.Great job, buddy-just like a balloon, right?" Cerney said as he used his [...]The post Child's Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream Shop appeared first on The Onion.

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Due to a hospital room mix-up, Keith Belden, 71, died peacefully surrounded by friends and family of Maurice Simpkins, 81.The post Keith Belden appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Asserting that the images were 100% authentic," the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. TheAmerican people deserve to know that the central bank is led by a total slut," Attorney General Pam Bondi said of the photo, promising that more sexually explicit images of Powell [...]The post DOJ Releases Jerome Powell Deepfake Nudes appeared first on The Onion.

BASTROP, TX-In a trend that raises serious questions about consent on the social media platform, rising numbers of X users have been asking the Grok chatbot to put more clothes on pictures of Elon Musk, sources confirmed Monday. We live in an age when all a user needs to do to generate a fully clothed [...]The post X Users Ask Grok To Put More Clothes On Elon Musk Pictures appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kristi Noem On Renee Good Murder: We Will Find The Immigrant Who Did This' appeared first on The Onion.

Hockey romance Heated Rivalry has been renewed for Season 2. The Onion sat down with breakout stars Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams to discuss the hit series. The Onion: How did you prepare for your roles? Storrie: I worked with a kissing coach eight hours a day for weeks to make it look believable. Williams: [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With The Stars Of Heated Rivalry' appeared first on The Onion.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, one of the nation's oldest newspapers with roots dating back to 1786, will cease all operations after years of financial losses and labor disputes, with the closure leaving a major local news void. What do you think?The post One Of Nation's Oldest Newspapers Shutters After Almost 240 Years appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Revealing the bird species has the capacity to detect botox, fillers, and even laser hair removal, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Avian Biology found that crows are able to recognize faces that have had work done.It's clear from observational data that crows have a keen ability to not only detect, but [...]The post Study Finds Crows Able To Recognize Faces Had Work Done appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the discovery the clearest proof yet" of how the U.S. government was originally designed to function, archaeologists published new evidence Thursday that suggests the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., may have once been used for legislating. In their academic paper, the researchers wrote that the sprawling, 540-room marble complex contained conclusive proof that a [...]The post Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating appeared first on The Onion.

MILL VALLEY, CA-Having proudly removed the piece of shriveled penile flesh from its bag and laid it next to her large selection of craft supplies, local mother Emily Taylor spent the afternoon scrapbooking her son's foreskin, wincing sources reported Tuesday.According to witnesses, the foreskin, which had belonged to her 6-day-old infant son before being snipped [...]The post Foreskin Scrapbooked appeared first on The Onion.

This charming property offers the perfect blend of comfort and convenience, which is exactly why it's going to be purchased by the world's largest asset manager. Good luck! Maybe they'll rent it to you. Reference #68370The post You're Bidding Against Blackstone appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday's pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, [...]The post Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly appeared first on The Onion.

The post We'll Take It From Here, Boys,' Says Kash Patel To Confused Minneapolis Mail Carrier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the worst of the worst," the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met [...]The post DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars appeared first on The Onion.

The post JD Vance Claims Renee Good Had No Authority To Be Alive In First Place appeared first on The Onion.

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump's hard-line policies, including a zero tolerance" immigration system, the Muslim ban, and, most recently, threats to annex Greenland. The Onion sat down with the America First" policymaker to discuss his time in the administration. The Onion: How do [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying the sumptuous gift should slake the administration's thirst for the next few months, Fox News sent President Donald Trump its quarterly tithe of three blond anchors, White House sources confirmed Friday. We have traveled south to the White House steps to present you with these three Kayleighs," said Fox Corporation CEO Lachlan Murdoch, who [...]The post Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors appeared first on The Onion.

WALPOLE, NH-Revealing that the series would force Americans to rethink everything they thought they knew about the cute little fuzzball," filmmaker Ken Burns announced Friday the release of Mr. Biscuits, a 10-part documentary about the cat he adopted from a local animal shelter. For decades, I thought The Civil War would stand as my most [...]The post Ken Burns Announces New 10-Part Mr. Biscuits' Documentary After Adopting Cat appeared first on The Onion.

The Trump administration's strikes on Venezuela are part of a long history of American involvement in the region. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. interventions in Latin America. 500 B.C. So far so good. 1899 The United Fruit Company begins its noble quest to spread the love of healthy eating throughout Latin [...]The post Timeline Of U.S. Interventions In Latin America appeared first on The Onion.

The United Kingdom banned junk food advertisements on television before 9 p.m. and at any time online, part of a drive to tackle childhood obesity. What do you think?The post U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump has made a number of claims about the future of Venezuela since U.S. special forces raided the country and captured President Nicolas Maduro and his wife. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's statements. Claim: The U.S. attacked Venezuela for its oil. Partially True: Also for bloodlust. Claim: Venezuela stole oil [...]The post Fact-Checking The Trump Administration On Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Minneapolis resident Renee Good as she drove away from him was fully justified," Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned Thursday that any action taken by Americans would be treated as domestic terrorism. Make no mistake: Anything and everything Americans do, from the second [...]The post DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Claiming that most people only get a fraction of the benefits the nutritional gold mine" has to offer, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued new dietary guidelines this week encouraging Americans to drink anything that comes out of a cow. While milk is already an established part of many American diets, it's really only [...]The post RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow appeared first on The Onion.

The Trump administration sharply cut the U.S. childhood vaccine schedule from 17 to 11 recommended shots, with health experts warning that changes were made without an adequate review and will only confuse parents and clinicians. What do you think?The post CDC Scales Back Child Vaccine Schedule appeared first on The Onion.