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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y4AB)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be.Whether I'm delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table [...]The post Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-10-03 02:45 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y42P)
LOS ANGELES-Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Undergoes State-Mandated Lobotomy To Cure Nymphomania appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y3B7)
HOUSTON-Recounting the deeply spiritual event as one that was life-changing but contractually difficult to articulate, area man Kyle Hartsfield recalled angels asking him to sign a nondisclosure agreement following a near-death experience, sources confirmed Thursday. It was incredible, and I really wish I could talk about it," said Hartsfield, describing the series of events in [...]The post Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y3B6)
LOS ANGELES-Stressing that it wasn't their problem and theycertainly didn't have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, [...]The post Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y3B5)
Van Horne married Blythewood Saturday, turning his bewitched household appliances back into humans.The post Fiona Blythewood and Dexter Van Horne appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y3B4)
The post What Are Our Dietary Restrictions? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2VB)
The post Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman's Forehead appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2QT)
The post Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem's Face Completely Recognizable appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2MJ)
A crystal-covered chair inspired by one of Vincent Van Gogh's most famous paintings was seriously damaged when a tourist sat on it while posing for a photograph. What do you think?The post Tourist Damages Museum's Crystal-Covered Chair By Sitting On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2MK)
BOSTON-Blowing dust off a scientific breakthrough that could fundamentally alter human perception of the universe, physicists at Boston University reportedly discovered a never-before-seen elementary particle in the back of an old cupboard Wednesday. In what constitutes a giant leap forward in the field of quantum mechanics, one of our researchers was rooting around in a [...]The post Physicists Discover Never-Before-Seen Particle In Back Of Old Cupboard appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2HV)
CHICAGO-Expressing concern that the small aircraft was going to accidentally hurt itself in its panic, passengers at O'Hare International Airport gate C20 were reportedly saddened Wednesday to see a poor frightened plane loose inside the airport. It just breaks my heart to see the little thing taxiing around the terminal," traveler Dave Weister said of [...]The post Passengers At Gate Saddened By Poor Frightened Plane Loose Inside Airport appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2HT)
What would you say? The night would come and go, but this 3-bedroom, 2-bath Tudor-style house could last a lifetime. Think of it. A whole house...for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it. Reference #26469The post Yours, In Exchange For One Night With Your Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y2HS)
The severely claustrophobic Malin Rourke, 78, died Tuesday surrounded by loved ones on every side and with no possible escape.The post Malin Rourke appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y21K)
The Trump Organization unveiled a mobile phone plan and a $499 smartphone that is set to launch in September, with the new service being dubbed Trump Mobile. What do you think?The post Trump Organization Launches Trump Mobile Cell Phone Service appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1YJ)
CLEVELAND-Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at some rapper's house. Of course, I'd rather they not freak-off at all, but if they're [...]The post Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper's House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1YK)
WASHINGTON-After being confronted about social media posts that blamed the shootings of two Minnesota lawmakers on the far left, Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) stressed Tuesday that he would have said the same thing if his own family had been savagely murdered. Democrats can say what they want about me, but I would have absolutely called [...]The post Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1P4)
CHATTANOOGA, TN-In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for over six hours [...]The post Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1P3)
Hey, guys. It's me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it's going to be great. It's got everything-an ensemble cast of A-listers, set designs to die for, and a mid-century setting in exotic locales. But real quick, before I go ahead and release it, I wanted to [...]The post You Sure You're In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That's Going On? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1P2)
BURLINGTON, VT-Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there.You're doing great, and your cervix is every bit as revolting as it should be at this stage of labor," said Dr. Thomas Carver, who [...]The post Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1P1)
The post Salami Brandished appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y1P0)
The pair tied the knot in a small backyard ceremony Sunday at the childhood home of their Airbnb host.The post Molly Hall and David Kerry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y15E)
WASHINGTON-Following the Minnesota attacks in which one Democratic state legislator was killed and another was shot nine times, Republican members of Congress issued a statement Monday clarifying that their hate-filled rhetoric was only meant to stoke fundraising. While some argue that our inflammatory language was intended to dehumanize and fuel violence against our political rivals, [...]The post GOP Lawmakers Clarify Their Hate-Filled Rhetoric Only Meant To Stoke Fundraising appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y15F)
WASHINGTON-Reaching out to the surviving victims of Saturday's shootings as they recovered from their numerous gunshot wounds, President Donald Trump reportedly called Minnesota state Sen. John Hoffman and his wife Yvette Hoffman on Monday to rant about Gov. Tim Walz. Your governor was very unfair to me in the 2024 election-a real nasty piece of [...]The post Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y12T)
The post Trump Condemns Vance Boelter's Incomplete Hit List appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y12V)
The post Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y12W)
LOS ANGELES-Faced with criticism after posting the suggestive cover of her forthcoming album Man's Best Friend, pop star Sabrina Carpenter released a statement Monday assuring her fans that Daddy will punish her over it. To any of my fans who were offended by the provocative album artwork, please know that I will be appropriately disciplined [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Assures Fans That Daddy Will Punish Her For Album Cover appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y10F)
Music mogul Sean Diddy" Combs is currently facing charges of racketeering, kidnapping, and coercing women into sexual activities in federal court. Here is everything you need to know about the trial. Q: Who is Diddy? A: Okay, we get it, you were born in 2002. Q: Is the trial televised? A: No, you'll have to [...]The post What To Know About The Diddy Trial appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0V2)
BALTIMORE-As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in Baltimore, have reportedly found it more necessary than ever to provide their own salaries. I'm committed to coming into this classroom every day and helping my students learn, but in order to do this, I'm now required [...]The post Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0V1)
WASHINGTON-Racking their brains as they tried to determine the express purpose of the homeland security secretary's outfit, sources confirmed Monday they were not sure why Kristi Noem was wearing a firefighter helmet, night-vision goggles, high heels, and a wet suit. Huh, that's odd, but there must be some kind of reason for it, right?" said [...]The post No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0V0)
LUBBOCK, TX-Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man. A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a [...]The post SWAT Team Robot Successfully Dismantles Black Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0TZ)
The post Jeremy Allen White Undergoes Experimental Mouth Enlargement Surgery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0TY)
Beautiful Georgian home in a perfect neighborhood, your literal dream home, except get this: They painted the fucking brick. What kind of moron would paint brick?The post Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6Y0TX)
A 35-year-old man who falsely claimed to be a flight attendant for six years to book over 120 free flights was convicted by a federal jury. What do you think?The post Fake Flight Attendant Flew 120 Flights For Free appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZXA)
The post Trump Mouths Lyrics To Happy Birthday' While National Anthem Plays appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZXB)
WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump's military parade. At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway-I [...]The post Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZWB)
The post D.C. Air Traffic Controllers Given Day Off To Attend Military Parade appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZWA)
The post Pete Hegseth Vomits Out Of Tank Hatch appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XZJJ)
A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that the mental health of mothers in the United States declined significantly from 2016 to 2023, with the percentage of mothers who said their mental health was poor increasing-particularly among those who were single parents. What do you think?The post Study Finds Steep Drop In American Mothers' Mental Health appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZJK)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator [...]The post FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEM)
WASHINGTON-After he wasforciblyremoved from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). We expressgratitudeto law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public [...]The post Democrats Back Resolution Thanking Federal Agents For Handcuffing Alex Padilla appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEN)
LOS ANGELES-Stressing that she had significant reason to fear for her life during yesterday's confrontation, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told reporters Friday that she believed Sen. Alex Padilla had an even deadlier opinion that failed to go off. We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, [...]The post Kristi Noem: Sen. Padilla Had Even Deadlier Opinion That Failed To Go Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEP)
The post Kristi Noem Appears With Bandage Over Ear Struck By Words appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZEQ)
Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 12: Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats 26%: Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth [...]The post Trump's Military Parade By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6XZBQ)
Iranian officials expanded a ban on dog walking to a swathe of cities across the country, with authorities calling dogs unclean" and claiming they symbolize a legacy of Western cultural influence. What do you think?The post Iran Cracks Down On Pet Dogs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZBR)
The post Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5Z)
LOS ANGELES-In recognition of their outstanding contributions to the true crime genre, convicted killers Lyle and Erik Menendez were honored this week with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.The Menendez brothers have truly set the standard for aspiring murderers everywhere," Monsters showrunner Ryan Murphy said in a speech noting that the duo's local [...]The post Menendez Brothers Receive Stars On Hollywood Walk Of Fame appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5Y)
WASHINGTON-In a landmark decision opposed only by Justice Neil Gorsuch, who advocated for at least one more serving of the tasty little crustaceans," a bloated and moaning Supreme Court ruled Friday that they had eaten too many shrimp. The court holds that we as a judicial body have consumed far more shrimp than anyone could [...]The post Bloated Supreme Court Rules They Ate Too Many Shrimp appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5X)
CHICAGO-In what the museum touted as a rare hands-on opportunity for the public to learn about the universe, the Adler Planetarium opened a new interactive exhibit Tuesday that offers guests the chance to touch a live protostar.A lot of people in the city have never had the experience of seeing a real protostar up close, [...]The post Interactive Planetarium Exhibit Offers Guests Chance To Touch Live Protostar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6XZ5W)
Matthew Early, 65, passed away suddenly Wednesday, leaving behind two uneaten slices of pepperoni pizza.The post Matthew Early appeared first on The Onion.
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