The Onion

ATLANTA-According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years.While the general fertility rate has been decreasing for some time, we found that it made a precipitous drop-off to zero starting in late 2019," [...]The post Study: No One Born In U.S. For Past 5 Years appeared first on The Onion.

SULPHUR, OK-In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday with a message for his 8-year-old self. The bionic warrior, who leads an elite unit [...]The post Soldier Returning From 2096 Cyber War Reunited With 8-Year-Old Self appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger.It's tragic, but I see firsthand how devastating it is for Travis to come home after [...]The post Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To End Travis Kelce Hunger appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively developing love, the greatest weapon of all. The alert, issued to the American public and top U.S. [...]The post Pentagon Warns China Developing Love, The Greatest Weapon Of All appeared first on The Onion.

THE DOOMFUL BOG-Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo del Toro in confidence. I finally decided to watchThe Shape Of Waterafter a few friends [...]The post Monster Devastated To See Film Depicting Things He Told Guillermo Del Toro In Confidence appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Covertly checking her phone to see that 28 more minutes had passed, a visibly bored Kylie Jenner reportedly feigned a smile Friday as Timothee Chalamet continued playing the harmonica for her. So cool, babe-you're getting so good at that thing," said the 27-year-old media personality, slowly nodding and blinking as her boyfriend of two [...]The post Bored Kylie Jenner Feigns Smile As Timothee Chalamet Continues Playing Harmonica appeared first on The Onion.

CENTENNIAL, CO-With a series of television ads that will run in all major media markets and feature dozens of bloated, wincing celebrities, industry trade group the National Beef Council debuted its new You're Supposed To Feel Like That" campaign on Friday. If your stomach hurts and you feel sleepy, that just means the beef is [...]The post National Beef Council Debuts New You're Supposed To Feel Like That' Campaign appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate's interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University's Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying Ditch this zero and get with a hero." Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost [...]The post Report: Best Pickup Technique Remains Approaching Woman And Saying Ditch This Zero And Get With A Hero' appeared first on The Onion.

DUBOIS, WY-Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. Say what you will about it, there's pretty much no problem in my life that can't be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my [...]The post Ram Will Stop Headbutting Things When Headbutting Things Stops Working appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all nuclear bombs. Nuclear bombs can cause cancer anywhere they are detonated, yet far too few Americans understand the dangers of [...]The post Surgeon General Recommends Adding Cancer Warning To All Nuclear Bombs appeared first on The Onion.

JACKSONVILLE, FL-Saying he had grown irritated with all the people who wanted to know if his occupation was anything like the popular Netflix series, black market organ dealer Randy Haines told reporters Wednesday he was tired of being asked if he had ever seen Squid Game. I'm sure it's a perfectly fine show, but it's [...]The post Black Market Organ Dealer Tired Of Being Asked If He's Seen Squid Game' appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Saying the best healthy eating habits are the ones people can realistically stick to in the long term, a panel of New York University nutritionists issued recommendations Wednesday that included following the occasional trail of sweets into a dark forest to help manage cravings. If your sweet tooth is making it difficult to stay [...]The post Nutritionists Recommend Following Occasional Trail Of Sweets Into Dark Forest To Help Manage Cravings appeared first on The Onion.

SPRINGFIELD, IL-Describing the items on the shelf as yet other example of the woke nonsense" abetting the feminization of American men, local conservative Nick Schwab, 54, told reporters Wednesday he was outraged by the availability of tampons and other period products in men's grocery stores. This is fucking unbelievable-what if I'd had my son with [...]The post Conservative Outraged Tampons Available In Men's Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

BEEKMAN, NY-Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the Jan. 6 defendants. Well, sure, I guess I'll just say here that I've been held hostage [...]The post Mark David Chapman Decides To Just Go With It After Receiving January 6 Pardon appeared first on The Onion.

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SEATTLE-Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos-Lauren Sanchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. Oh, shit, it's $290 million?" the visibly annoyed Yorkin said as he stared at the Zola page for the Amazon billionaire [...]The post Man Groans After Only Thing Left On Bezos Wedding Registry New Rocket Booster appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation's access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard's T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin' hell yeah." It's no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous [...]The post Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin' Hell Yeah' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. I, James David Vance, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign [...]The post JD Vance Sworn In On Stack Of Printed 4chan Greentexts appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror,Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?" said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle [...]The post Pete Hegseth Crashes Golf Cart Into Inauguration Stage appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former andincoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up by various news networks perusing profiles on the celebrity dating app during her husband's inauguration ceremony, occasionally pausing to zoom [...]The post Melania Trump Swiping Through Raya Matches In Full View Of Cameras appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet-this is a day we'll tell our children about," Musk said as he slowly panned his phone's [...]The post Elon Musk Holds Up AI Girlfriend App So She Can See appeared first on The Onion.

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CAIRO-Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple ramps and levers that aliens used to build the pyramids at Giza. Shortly after traveling to Earth in their quantum-drive spaceships, extraterrestrials [...]The post Egyptologists Unearth Depictions Of Simple Ramps, Levers Aliens Used To Build Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

SAN DIEGO-As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San DiegoZoo's animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. He texted an hour ago saying he was dropping in to check the garbage disposal, so we've been running [...]The post CityZooScrambles To Hide Animals Ahead Of Landlord Visit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. Hey, kitty, kitty-please, no!" said Biden, who looked desperately over his shoulder in search of his Secret Service detail and yelped out in [...]The post Biden Batted Around By Giant Cat appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-In a chaotic scene that saw young people screaming and ducking for cover in the moments after the hip-hop star was served from a passing vehicle, witnesses confirmed Thursday morning that Kendrick Lamar had been hit with a drive-by summons outside an L.A. nightclub. It all happened so fast-one minute Kendrick was standing around [...]The post Kendrick Lamar Hit With Drive-By Summons Outside L.A. Nightclub appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. I've decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the rest of the 2020s," said Obama, speaking to reporters through an intercom by the front [...]The post Michelle Obama Confirms She Will Skip Rest Of Decade appeared first on The Onion.

SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NJ-Having been informed that he canceled a major stop on his big world tour just to be with them on a Thursday afternoon, residents at Golden Horizons Senior Care Center were told the man playing accordion for them in the facility's dining room was Billy Joel. That's right, folks, the Piano Man himself [...]The post Nursing Home Told Man Playing Accordion For Them Is Billy Joel appeared first on The Onion.

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