 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HX)
WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President JD Vance was reportedly reminded by a staff member Tuesday that caddies are not allowed in the clubhouse. Sir, sir, you can't go in there," said head of guest services Melanie Cole, gently taking the vice president [...]The post JD Vance Reminded Caddies Not Allowed In Clubhouse appeared first on The Onion.
|
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 05:48 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6W0HW)
The post Port-A-Potty Paraded Around On Flatbed Truck Like Homecoming Queen appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZS)
BALTIMORE-In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over his vote for a spending bill, dejected Chuck Schumer superfan Sean Angston told reporters Monday that he couldn't believe he had dropped $10,000 on a VIP party package. Chuck is basically my idol, so I can't tell [...]The post Dejected Schumer Superfan Can't Believe He Dropped $10,000 On VIP Party Package appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZT)
FORT WAYNE, IN-Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. You know, my lovely granddaughter here likes computers just like you do, and she's single," Hansen reportedly told her 29-year-old grandson Zach while [...]The post Senile Grandma Tries To Set Up Grandkids With Each Other appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZZV)
AUSTIN, TX-In a drastic new order purportedly aimed at protecting its citizens, Texas state government officials reportedly put into effect a new mandatory six-month quarantine that would apply to anyone who has ever watchedWill And Grace. Anyone who watchedWill And Grace, the sitcom that revolutionized the popular depiction of homosexuality in the United States in [...]The post Texas Implements Mandatory 6-Month Quarantine For Anyone Who Has Watched Will And Grace' appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZWV)
An 81-year-old woman returned an overdue book to a New Jersey library after discovering it among her grandfather's old things, finding that the book, Home-Made Toys For Girls And Boys, was borrowed in March 1926. What do you think?The post Overdue Library Book Returned After 99 Years appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPS)
CLEVELAND-Concluding that the rewards simply weren't worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick's Day to avoid damaging it. Obviously, it'd be a dream to live it up at McKiernan's with this thing on my head, but I'd just hate [...]The post Oversized Leprechaun Hat Left At Home On St. Patrick's Day To Avoid Damaging It appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPR)
This month Lady Gaga released Mayhem, her seventh studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist and actor to discuss songwriting, self-care, and what's next. The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record? Gaga: I have always been fascinated by the concept of dancing around on stage in an insane hat. The [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Lady Gaga appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VZPQ)
The post Stepson Liked With All Of Man's Heart appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VYCH)
Astronomers have discovered over 100 additional moons orbiting Saturn, bringing the gas giant's total to 274. What do you think?The post 128 New Moons Found Orbiting Saturn appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9A)
WASHINGTON-Failing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts while playing a French horn solo, sources confirmed Friday. The stage curtains reportedly rose to reveal the vice president, an amateur horn player, standing by himself behind a music stand, a [...]The post JD Vance's French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9B)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer. If you contract measles or suspect you have contracted measles, I recommend immediately applying a [...]The post RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY9C)
The post Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY6K)
A Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo, got his paw stuck in the trigger guard of a gun, causing it to fire. What do you think?The post Tennessee Man Shot By Dog appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY05)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Suggesting the reversal of a longstanding historical trend towards urbanization, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Harvard University revealed that more Americans were moving away from cities to pursue a rural life where they have an escalating feud with a beaver. Our findings indicate there has been a 15% increase in Americans who [...]The post Report: More Americans Moving Away From Urban Areas For Rural Life Where They Have Escalating Feud With Beaver appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY04)
WASHINGTON-Slumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when they could stop giving him blood. We're tired, Uncle Elon-tired and hungry," said Eric, the younger of the Trump boys, who began [...]The post Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY03)
As the trade war heats up, Canada has imposed 25% retaliatory tariffs on billions of dollars of U.S. goods. Here are all the other ways Canada is fighting back: Dramatically paring back supply of fictional girlfriends Going shelf to shelf to boo imported American groceries Selling us syrup from their worst-tasting maple trees Aiming all [...]The post How Canadians Are Fighting Back Against U.S. Tariffs appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VY02)
PALM SPRINGS, CA-Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get high with the bride-to-be's cousin. It's easy to lose sight of these relationships as time goes on, [...]The post Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Bride's Cousin appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VXE7)
The post CEO's Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VXE8)
WASHINGTON-Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. Any immigrant roughly Barron's age with similar interests may apply, with very little waiting time to get [...]The post Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX42)
WASHINGTON-Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man's property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman's residence. Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected [...]The post Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor's Residence appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX43)
The 2025 NCAA Division I men's and women's basketball tournaments kick off next week. In honor of the season, The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind March Madness. 7: Opportunities for Cooper Flagg's mom to embarrass him 15: Times per week your coworker who won the office pool last year says he doesn't [...]The post March Madness By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX44)
Rain showers following a massive Texas dust storm left buildings and vehicles from Missouri to West Virginia covered in a grimy film, a rare weather event known as dirty rain." What do you think?The post Dirty Rain' Falls Over Multiple States appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX47)
JACKSON, MS-Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies,the nation's egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that a dozen has always meant nine. While we have seen some temporary shortfalls due to the avian flu, I want to let all our loyal customers know that we will continue to sell delicious, farm-fresh eggs by [...]The post Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9 appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX46)
JOPLIN, MO-In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14 sacks of flour. For the next week, each of our seventh-graders will be in charge of [...]The post Pronatalist Sex Ed Class Requires Students To Care For 14 Sacks Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VX45)
The post Pills: Can We Get Some? We're Really Hurting Right Now appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VWDC)
Tesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over what protesters believe is Elon Musk's overreach in government. What do you think?The post Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VW6G)
CHICAGO-Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary among lepers. Several reports indicated that the handsome and fit Hall was drinking and eating alongside the outcasts [...]The post Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VW6F)
BATON ROUGE, LA-As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that the 2-year-old, who was admitted to Ochsner Medical Center after fracturing his ulna, will from this point forward [...]The post Hospitalized Toddler To Spend Rest Of Life Associating Mickey Mouse With Physical Pain appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VW6E)
PHILADELPHIA-Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident," Orcutt said of [...]The post Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VVGF)
The post Local Teen Invents Masturbation appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VVA1)
WASHINGTON-Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes [...]The post Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VVA0)
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA-In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant's alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America's middle school talent shows. Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that [...]The post Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nation's Middle School Talent Shows appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VV9Z)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA-In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot-things were looking a little dicey with [...]The post Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTP2)
CLEVELAND-Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. If you thought I was serious about my health before, just wait and see what another whole hour [...]The post Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTP3)
WASHINGTON-Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic period of transition," President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. Look, what we're doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic [...]The post Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTDC)
WASHINGTON-Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country's safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we need [...]The post DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTDB)
NEW YORK-In a continuedeffort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the company's weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to users' insecurities. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to getting healthy, which is why the Noom team is proud to provide specific and detailed put-downs [...]The post Noom Weight Loss Quiz Guarantees Personalized Insults Tailored To Users' Insecurities appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTDA)
WICHITA, KS-Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made a mistake and now she has to go bye-bye for [...]The post Report: Fun Aunt Has To Go Away For A While appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTD9)
The post Fried Days (and Nights) appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTD8)
A study published in the journal Science found that butterflies are vanishing from U.S. landscapes at an alarming rate, with 22% disappearing between 2000 and 2020. What do you think?The post U.S. Loses A Fifth Of Its Butterflies In 2 Decades appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VTD7)
President Trump's plans for tariffs, including on goods from Canada and Mexico, have left many consumers and investors uneasy. The Onion separates the facts from the myths. MYTH: Tariffs will revitalize the American auto industry. FACT: Only the second coming of the Ford Fiesta could do that. MYTH: Trump has imposed 25% tariffs on Mexico [...]The post Trump's North American Tariffs: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VSCM)
The Trump administration briefly listed over 440 federal buildings for sale online before suddenly removing the document, which included major properties like the FBI and Justice Department headquarters. What do you think?The post FBI, Justice Department Buildings Briefly Listed For Sale appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRX5)
The post Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKY)
Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what happens to their own bodies. Instead, we are treated as passive baby-making machines. Meanwhile, if it were the female seahorses who could get pregnant, there'd probably be an abortion clinic [...]The post If Females Could Get Pregnant, There'd Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral appeared first on The Onion.
|
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKX)
SAN FRANCISCO-Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world's erections at once. In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions [...]The post Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World's Erections At Once appeared first on The Onion.
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKW)
Q: Why is the Trump administration targeting the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration? A: To encourage forecast-obsessed Americans to live in the moment. Q: Why do we need NOAA? A: We're about to find out. Q: Why do Republicans want to privatize the agency's work? A: Conservatives believe a free market will provide the best [...]The post What To Know About NOAA appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKV)
Only Murders In The Building, Hulu: Yes, season four technically came out in August, but we've been busy, okay? Nova: Decoding The Universe, PBS: Tell everyone you're watching this one so they know just what a smarty pants you are. Tomb Raider: The Legend Of Lara Croft, Netflix: Lara Croft returns in this action-packed animated [...]The post Streaming Guide appeared first on The Onion.
 |
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKT)
The post Erewhon Defends $19 Strawberry: It's Made To Be Split' appeared first on The Onion.
|
|
by The Onion Staff on (#6VRKS)
Cheetozard," a 3-inch Flamin' Hot Cheeto shaped like the popular Pokemon character Charizard, has sold at auction for $87,840. What do you think?The post Pokemon-Shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840 appeared first on The Onion.
|